01x04 - Puddin' Hood

[bunniefuu]

I've never made it with a preacher before.

Well, honey, then we got somethin' in common.

Hey, baby, just one second here.

What?

Just push pause.

Don't keep me waiting too long.

Hey, you keep the motor running, honey. Whoo!

Excuse me here, brother.

Agh!

Tina: What's wrong, baby?

I think I just saw a ghost.

For real? Should I leave?

Ah, I never let a little thing like a ghost... stop me from doin' what I do best.

Whoo-hoo!

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

(KNOCK ON DOOR)

(KNOCKING CONTINUES)

Coming!

A blessed morning to you, Pastor!

You may have seen me scurrying around here... like a little church mouse... but I just wanted to introduce myself formally.

I'm Laura Beth, head of the booster committee.

Nice to meet you, Laura Beth.

Uh, scurry around to your heart's content.

Are you feeling okay, Pastor?

Because you are looking a tad discombobulated.

Yeah, I'm feeling fine.

It's just these early mornings, you know... getting used to the time change from Tulsa and all.

But we're in the same time zone as Tulsa... and it is already 8:00 A.M.

Don't want to let the day get away from us, do we?

Exactly, which is why I have a few things to discuss with you.

Uh, let me finish my morning devotions, I'll be right back.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, if that's the case, you just... you take a couple of moments.

Okay.

I'll be right out here.

The Lord's work's awaitin'.

Okay, I'll be right here.

I'm just gonna wait right here!

I'm 99.9% sure we got the good kind of weird last night.

Well, if ya come back to bed...

I would be more than happy to refresh your memory.

Oh, unfortunately, honey, there's no rest for the wicked.

Fare thee well, my lady.

Can't I just go out the front door?

Oh, no, no, no, I figured we'd do something crazy... kind of like Romeo and Juliet.

I thought it'd be way more romantic.

Pastor Joe Johnson... you are a true gentleman through and through.

I know, I know.

sh**t me your number and remind me your first and last name... we'll do it again sometime.

Actually, my girlfriends are coming into town tonight... for the yoga convention.

We could all hang out, say around 7:00?

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Laura Beth: Pastor Johnson?

Coming!

(GLASS SMASHING)

And the Lord said unto the people... Amen.

Were you talking to somebody?

No, no, no, I wasn't talking to nobody.

I was just doing my morning prayers... for starving, orphan... Nigerian children.

Oh...

Come on in. Welcome to my humble abode.

Oh, no, don't wanna sit there... that chair right there has terrible lumbar support.

Here just sit in this chair right here.

Oh... thank you.

So... now, where were we?

Well, it is pretty self-explanatory... but with you being new and all...

I just wanted to make sure you didn't have any questions.

I only have two questions.

What is this and what does it have to do with me?

Oh, it's a list of your daily duties.

Duties? I thought this was a tight one hour... one-day-a-week type of gig.

No, Pastor Jenkins, he had me make him a list... of his pastoral duties every day... so that he didn't forget anything.

You talking about this guy right here in the painting?

Yes... after his health deteriorated it was...

It was just time for him to move on to a better place.

Okay, you got water, sunscreen, all that?

Mom, do I really have to wear this jacket?

Of course, you don't have to... you get to... because those tastefully studded rhinestones... are gonna pay for your college one day.

Fine, I'll put on the jacket.

Come on, babe, we gotta go.

And where is that?

You know where, it's the Craft-xpo.

I got us a booth to promote Debbie Does Dazzles.

Ooh, babe, gonna have to stop you right there.

My itinerary for the day is locked and loaded.

This man is gettin' code-blue day drunk... and watchin' Tattoo Nightmares on the Spike Network for men.

Oh, well, that sounds like a lot of fun.

You know what? That'll give me plenty of time to rethink... letting you sh**t your show in my basement.

It's your call, babe.

For someone so smokin' hot, you are ice cold, woman.

VERNON (OVER PHONE): Depending on who this is... and what you're after, you may or may not have reached... the voicemail of who it is you're lookin' for.

Oh, yeah, hey, buddy, it's me.

Uh, we got an appointment here in a few.

Just checkin' up on you.

Make sure you're on your way, and all that.

Coming up! Bake sales are like closing time at the bar.

At the end of the night, you wanna go home with somethin'... you ain't too worried about looks.

Hey, yeah, I don't want to be a nag here... but if your butt doesn't walk through my door... in about two seconds, I'm gonna have to like...

Oh, man! Wow!

Dang it, Vernon! Be responsible!

Hey, Terry. Terrible coffee today, I tell you.

Oh, Lord, one, two, three!

Oh, yeah... what the hell is this?

That's no wild animal... that's Fat Dog.

Come on, Fat Dog, let's get you something to eat.

How's the Lord's work, Pastor?

Oh, it's coming.

I've gotta finish up with the youth group... then I'm done for the day.

Oh, that's so good!

Okay, 'cause that means you're gonna be free later!

Because we are having a program... to try and attract new parishioners... because we sure could use some more tithing.

Oh, I'm all for drumming up business, honey... but some ladies have fallen from the Lord... and I'm gonna do my darnedest to bring 'em back.

Oh, I do not envy you, Pastor Johnson.

I mean, that much goodwill, that could take all night.

I hope so.

Vernon: How old are you guys, anyway?

15.

Well, y'all might be able to help me with a personal problem.

See there's this amazing teenage girl... that I'm having a heck of a time getting to like me.

Any thoughts?

Doily: Vernon Brown!

Vernon Brown...

Hey. Hey...

Hey, man, what brings you out here?

You missed a scheduled appointment... and you forgot to turn in your court card, you know?

And I'm now obligated to report this... and send a really good friend back to jail.

I'm so sorry, man.

I guess I got caught up in my community service out here.

You know, I know this is gonna sound silly... but I guess I really just wanted to prove to you... and society as a whole, that I'm a changed man.

Why don't we just forget about this hiccup, okay?

Let's do our business over a nice, long brunch, huh?

d*ck's Drawn Butters has got bottomless mimosas all day long.

Let's go.

Oh, Doily, I'd love to, man... but I've got some young lives to change here.

These guys are counting on me.

What do you got here?

Like a "scared straight" situation or something?

Something like that.

I'm good at this, I got this.

Hi, kids. How you doin' today?

Yeah, you like the woods? I bet you do.

Okay, don't smoke dr*gs, and stay in school, okay?

Oh, yeah.

Don't let anybody ever tell you that marriage is forever... because, spoiler alert, it's not!

Women take your heart out of your chest cavity... stomp on it and spit on it!

You'll see! You'll all see!

Hey, have a nice day.

Let's get those mimosas, kiddo!

Oh, yeah...

Oh, hey there, Pastor Johnson.

I'd like for you to meet my parole officer.

Hi, there, my name's Pastor Johnson.

Oh, how you doin'? Mitch Doily.

Hey, watch out for my buddy here, huh?

Just 'cause he's a celebrity... don't go givin' him the celebrity treatment or nothin'.

Hey, while I have you here, Pastor Johnson... would you mind signing my court card?

I'd be happy to, Convict Vernon Brown.

Right, that's a great idea. We can get this done right here.

Whoops. You ever sign someone else's name by accident?

No... never have.

Oh, boy, okay, that's great.

All right, see you later! Hey, let's go.

Let's go, let's go, let's go. Bottomless mimosas.

Take it easy, Pastor.

Do you think you could maybe help us?

Hey, Ronnie... you see they're filming Flea Market Fortunes here?

I know you'd never sell... your "totally authenti"" boat wheel prop... but you could be sitting on a gold mine right now.

You messing with me?

No.

(MUSIC PLAYING)

(CROWD APPLAUDING)

Oh, no. Here we go...

Well, if it isn't Dazzlin' Debbie.

Well, if it isn't Dania Twang.

Still using your low-rent Shania impersonation... to hock your De-Dazzlers?

I figured she would have sued you out of business by now.

My performance is considered 100 percent legal parody.

Oh, really? They ruled you a joke?

"Debbie Does Dazzles?"

That don't impress me much.

So, I woke up buck naked on the back of a flatbed truck.

A half empty bottle of whiskey on my left... and two out of three of the Mandrell sisters on my right.

Oh, wow! Your stories are the best, man, I swear.

Gimme it all, the who, what, where, how, when.

Where were you were born, where'd you lose your virginity?

That kind of thing.

I got this. I got it.

Well, listen, I gotta get down to the church... and start chipping away at that mountain of community service.

One more thing...

You know who's a bigger fan of yours than me?

My mom loves you.

And it would mean the world... if she had an autograph or something.

Ah, hell, what's her name?

I'll put it right here on this napkin.

Well, I was thinking that maybe you and I could go down to the nursing home, and you could do it in person.

Oh, man, you know, I'd love to, but I got unbreakable plans... this evening and I'd actually just be a real bear.

No, I totally get it. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Tell you what'd be a bear, though... is if I had to tell the parole board... that my best friend missed his appointment today.

That'd be a bear.

Rrr... that kind of thing.

This is a really interesting piece.

I'm gonna guess it dates probably early 20th century.

Album? Who gives a hoot?

Oh, my God, lady.

Your halfwit kid make that coffee mug in ceramics class?

A freakin' leprechaun guitar? Are you serious, dude?

It's not even tuned. Rainbow's that a-way.

Oh, all right, dude, that's cool.

Like I was saying... you holding, bro?

All right, that's cool.

Well, this place is nice.

Yeah, thanks, thanks.

Oh, hey, they got tango lessons! We should join up.

You know what, LOL! I'm gonna go check on my mom.

Harold, no dice.

Please, just one puddin' cup?

Well, no puddin' except on Puddin' Wednesdays!

You know the rules.

I never was one for rules, either... outlaw.

Thank you.

Pastor Johnson!

Oh, for hell's sake!

Folks are gonna be so excited to see you!

There are so many prayer requests!

You know, honey, I think we might be able to cover... more of the Lord's work if we split up.

I still gotta get back to church for that Bible study in an hour.

All right, I'll see you!

Whoa! There you are! Thought you ran off.

I was gonna put out an A.P.B. for you or something!

Hey, Pastor Johnson, nice to see you again.

Hey, would you give my mom a blessing?

She doesn't have a lot of time left here.

Is she sick?

No, this place is too pricey.

Yes, I'd be happy to... I'll give her the Pastor Joe Jackson...

Johnson.

Johnson, ultimate platinum prayer package, platinum-style.

Oh, wow, thank you very much. Boy!

Burnin' Vernon and a man of God.

My mom's gonna be so excited, she's gonna have a heart att*ck.

Come on, I'll show you! Hey, Ma!

Go on, boys, fire up the De-Dazzler!

Ooh, look at those boys f*ring up the power.

Who's ready to test my Shan-aurantee?

Mom, you should do it.

Your Re-Dazzles are impossible to remove!

Believe me, I've tried.

Really?

Yes.

You think?

Yeah, go!

I'll test your guarantee!

Ooh! Step right up, Dazzlin' Debbie!

Ooh, I'm going to send these dazzles... where they should have gone long ago... straight to hell!

Then they'll see you there.

(DEVICE RUNNING)

(DEVICE WHIRRING DOWN)

Dazzles are here to stay!

Does that impress you much? Bitch.

Shania: I'll I need is a back-up.

So, honey, I dance up to the edge of the stage... it's the big finale.

I reach out and grab a hold of the harness and up I fly!

Over the crowd, like a redneck Peter Pan!

Well, about two months later, Garth Brooks stole my trick.

I think I remember seeing you do that trick.

Remember that night, Mitchell?

Yes, Mother, yes, yes, Knoxville.

That was the night they gave my ex-wife Cynthia... a backstage pass, sure, yeah.

They picked her right out of the crowd!

Oh, and she stayed out all night long talking to the band!

And your friendly drummer gave her a ride home.

God, yeah, she really liked concerts.

How about that blessing, huh, Pastor?

Let's do it.

Okay.

Uh... let's all bow our heads.

Dearly... dearly beloved...

Jesus came down from the Heavens... or some refer to it as the outer bound of our known galaxy.

His maker...

Praise the Lord!

Amen!

That's one theory.

Another is that angels, often refered to as the Anunaki... were in fact, an ancient race of aliens...

Amen!

Amen.

Amen.

Amen.

Pastor Johnson? Oh, there you are!

Ah... who might this be?

Hi, I'm Laura Beth.

Hi.

You might wanna go grab that pen... and let's do that thing we was talking about.

Yeah.

That's a good idea.

Hey, nice to meet you.

Oh, you, too.

Yeah.

And what do you do, young lady?

Oh, I work at the church with Pastor Johnson.

I'm the chair of the booster committee.

So I guess you could call me the booster chair!

You mean Pastor Johnson.

That strapping young man is the Burnin' Vernon... one of country music's biggest stars.

No disrespect, ma'am, but this man is a convict... on his way to reform through church service.

And this man is Pastor Johnson... the minister of First Light Church.

Mitchell! Mitchell!

What, Mother? What, what, what?

This young woman has me all in a tizzy!

She says that Burnin' Vernon is a minister... and Pastor Johnson is a convict!

What?

Oh, yeah, I think I know what's going on here.

Everybody like to step in the hallway... talk to me for a minute?

Excuse me, Mother.

She's a little drunk.

Doily, I can explain.

You know what? No need to at all.

I knew this day was coming. I knew it.

It's just sad when the mind slips... and one has to give in to the ravages of old age.

I can't believe she couldn't tell the difference... between Burnin' Vernon and a preacher.

It's the worst.

Well, we'll be praying for her.

Sometimes I even forget who I'm supposed to be.

On the plus side, hopefully her dementia will make her forget... about all my many, many failings, I don't know.

You see that?

Yeah.

Now this is a really interesting item... and you sya that you were told it's from the S.S. Minnow?

That is correct, sir.

Talked him down to $250.

Okay, well, I will say after looking it over...

I do have some concerns.

All right.

The first being, I see an inscription here... that says, Made in China.

Now we all know, in the mid-1960's... when Gilligan's Island was on the air... the U.S. actually had no trade agreement with China.

That didn't come until 1972.

So, I'm also a little concerned, because I see another... engraving here that tells me this is in fact a prop replica.

But not from Gilligan's Island.

Okay, so like The Love Boat or something?

Ah, no, it's actually from the beloved fast-casual... seafood restaurant, Shrimps-N-Such.

See, it says Shrimps-N-Such?

So how much is it worth?

I would value it at probably $10.

sonofab*tch!

Well, this is interesting.

That urn you just broke, early Prussian, valued at $500.

Oh, really?

Next.

Oh, well now what do we have here? You don't see these a lot.

This is Polly, the first doll with polio.

Well, this was spiritual, but I need to get out of here!

I mean, a pastor signing autographs.

You really do inspire the light in people, Pastor Johnson.

It's ghost pastor...

Okay, Pastor Johnson, this is Pastor Jenkins.

Now hold on here, I thought you said he was in a better...

That just seems deliberately confusing.

But it was nice ministering to you good folks... but I gotta get back to church for that Bible study.

I took care of that when I saw you were here.

I called the Senior's Bible Club... and they're gonna step in for you.

And that's how Jonah finally got out of the whale.

Now if you'll all turn in the good book to Matthew... chapter five, in verse 32... we can discover the true nature of the Lord's forgiving love.

That's mighty Christian of you.

Well, I'm gonna take you back to your room, Pastor Jenkins.

You'll get to talk with these fellas some more next time... because we're here every week.

Uh, I'm supposed to be here every week?

Yes, well, it is the best way to increase attendance.

We just keep coming back until we can convince them... that we are the little church that could!

Okay, let's go. We'll see y'all.

I think I'm getting an idea.

That's right... come on.

(MUSIC PLAYING)

That's right.

♪ Well here you go ya grateful geezers ♪
♪ Come on down and bring your tweezers ♪
♪ My name's Pastor Johnson of the First Light Church ♪
♪ I'll be puddin' the Lord in your life ♪
♪ Puddin' the Lord in your life ♪
♪ Puddin' the Lord in your life ♪
♪ Puddin' the Lord in your life ♪
♪ Puddin' the Lord in your life ♪
♪ Puddin' the Lord in your life ♪
♪ Puddin' the Lord in your life ♪
♪ Puddin' the Lord in your life ♪
♪ Puddin' the Lord in your life ♪
♪ Puddin' the Lord in your life sweet be ♪
♪ Puddin' the Lord in your life ♪
♪ Puddin' the Lord in your life ♪
♪ Puddin' the Lord in your life ♪