02x03 - Ugly

[bunniefuu]

[man beatboxing]

♪ ♪

[man humming and beatboxing]

♪ ♪ ♪ ♪

Good morning, Jim.

Hey, how do you manage to keep that "just rolled out of bed" look working the entire day?

Oh, it's some skill and a whole lot of, "I don't care."

Well, in that case, you're killin' it.

Why are you in such a good mood?

Did you find a few more Dalmatians for your coat?

Not yet, unfortunately. No, I am happy because I just got some great news.

Oh.

Don't you want to hear my news?

Nah, I'm good.

Okay.

You know how I'm friends with Andy Cohen, right?

I-is that the good news?

Andy just recommended me for "Million Dollar Listings."

No way.

What's "Million Dollar Listings"?

Bravo, Jim, Bravo.

Are you sarcastically praising me or talking about the network that features drunk women in their 40s?

Ooh. Hi.

Jeannie, "MDL."

Oh, my God, they want you on "Million Dollar Listings New York"?

Ugh!

How'd you get that from that?

Well, of course they want you, Daniel. You're a brilliant, savvy, stylish New York realtor.

Oh! No, no, no, no, no.

How long has Daniel been trying to find us an apartment?

But wait, aren't you dating Andy Cohen's ex-boyfriend?

I mean, yes, and it was a little tense in the beginning, but you know what, Andy's fine with it, and honestly, he's Andy Cohen.

I mean, there's a lot of pirates circling that booty.

So are they actually considering you to be a series regular?

Uh, no, Jeannie, they're not considering me.

Andy said they're making me an offer.

What?

Oh, my God, you look hot.

Thank you.

The guy at the construction site across from Whole Foods thought so too.

You got catcalled? Jim, did you hear that? Your wife got catcalled.

Huh, congratulations, honey.

No, Jim.

Somebody objectified your wife.

Are you sure they were talking to you?

I mean, b-b-because you're so hot.

You're like a bright, shiny...

I love you, honey.

I love you in that coat.

Anyway, I saw the guy.

He was up on the scaffolding wearing an orange hoodie, obviously a total perv.

I hate pervs.

Well, I, for one, think catcalling is always wrong.

I agree.

Unless it's a guy catcalling me 'cause he saw me on "Million Dollar Listings."

Oh, Jim, you don't have to go and defend my honor.

Okay.

Then I guess I'll just meet Dave for lunch.

But if you want me to avenge your honor, you text me where, but I'm going east, and Whole Foods is west, so...

Oh, Jeannie, I forgot to tell you.

I'm gonna be famous!

Ah!

Whoo!

[iPhone ringing]

Hey, Stevie.

You watched "Making a m*rder*r," right?

No, I haven't seen it yet.

Amazing, right?

There's a janitor here that looks just like him.

I'm, like, freaking out.

Wisconsin is so creepy.

I feel so sorry for you growing up there.

Ah, I'm not from... [sighs]

Why did you call?

Oh, I called because I have amazing news.

Are you sitting down?

Yeah, I-I'm sitting down.

I have a movie audition for you.

You would play the former boyfriend/childhood crush of a very sexy female lead that ends up being a passenger in the cab you're driving.

Our female lead would look at you, notice you've totally let yourself go and realize she doesn't want to live in the past anymore.

The character has two lines.

I played that same character in "13 Going On 30."

I know; that's how I got you the audition.

Why would I want to audition to play the same humiliating character I played in another movie?

Why would people live in Wisconsin when the judicial system is obviously corrupt?

Err... look, I'm gonna pass, all right?

Ah, I gotta go.

Um, okay. I don't want to push you Wisconsiners.

I don't want to get m*rder*d.

[chuckles] Just kidding.

[man beatboxing]

♪ ♪

Why wouldn't you audition, man?

I don't understand when you became such a snob.

I mean, you-you played a guy who pooped with the door open on "Sex and the City."

Did you audition for that?

Yeah, I did.

Really?

How do you audition to go to the bathroom?

That probably contributes to me not wanting to go on this audition.

Ah, don't be such a baby. It's two lines.

Two Sandia, please.

It's the principle. It's humiliating.

Why do they need me to audition for a character I've played?

I don't know.

Auditioning's like stripping, except nobody gives you a dollar.

A dollar? What kind of half-rate strip joints you been going to?

Whichever one your mom's working at that week.

You only been giving my mom a dollar?

When I feel generous.

All right, listen, you know, you're lucky you're a character actor.

I never go on auditions. There's more roles for character actors.

Character actor. That's just code for Yeah.

"not good-looking." You know Oh, come on. who else is a character actor? Gumby.

Hey, listen, acting is about types, you know. I mean, we're different.

I'm more like a funny leading man type, you know.

I-I lose roles to Ben Stiller and, ah, what's his name, Franco, James Franco.

Must be nice to be as delusional as you.

It isn't bad.

Anyway, you're gonna judge me?

You the guy who refuses to defend his wife against a catcaller? Not there.

Well, what could I have done?

What could you have done? You could've done something, you know. I mean, it's a... it's a heinous act, that catcalling, you know.

I mean, the guy's probably not a thr*at, right? But does she know that?

I never thought about it like that.

Yeah, yeah, man. I mean, women are, like, defenseless creatures, you know, especially the hot ones with the massive Zambonis, you know. It impedes their running.

You're joking, right?

Yeah, I'm totally kind of joking.

[man beatboxing]

[iPhone ringing]

[sighs]

Stevie, if this is about the cab driver audition, the answer is still no.

Agreed. You've done that.

You are not auditioning to play a cab driver.

By the way, did you ever see "Taxi Driver" with Jimmy Fallon and Queen Latifah?

That was "Taxi."

I know Jimmy has his own talk show now, but it would be so amazing if they did a "Taxi Driver 2," right?

I... I don't know.

The reason I was calling is I have an amazing opportunity.

You know Alex Baldwin?

Alec Baldwin.

He is doing a major motion picture, a drama, and they want to see you for one of the leads.

A lead?

Jim, this is the type of role that can change a career.

The director's been nominated for, like, every award.

I'm kind of obsessed with him.

His name is Philippe... something French.

A lead in a drama?

Er... this is more like it. [chuckles]

They haven't released the full script, but I'll send you your pages.

This is your big break!

Thanks.

[man beatboxing]

You know, I've been thinking about it. And Daniel is right.

It's just rude to catcall.

It's harassment.

What kind of world are we living in where a woman, where a mother of five, can't even walk home without being verbally assaulted by some creep?

Yeah. It's ridiculous.

You know what?

I'm gonna go back there.

And I'm gonna give that orange hoodie guy a piece of my mind.

I'm gonna humiliate him.

I-is that safe? Maybe I should... have someone go with you.

No, I can take care of myself.

Can't believe you might be a lead in an Alec Baldwin movie.

It's pretty cool.

But this scene, it...

Oh, here, let me read it with you.

Nah, I'm... I'm all right.

Which character are you? Are you Carl?

Uh. No, I-I-I'm the other guy, uh, "Ooglay."

Ugly?

Your character's name is Ugly?

Is that how you pronounce it? I thought it was "Ooglay."

U-G-L-Y, Ugly.

"A balding, pasty, repulsive troll of a man ambles into the room. Carl, disgusted, says, 'Jeez, Ugly, you really stink. Have you showered this week?'"

Do you think I should go in on this?

No, that's not your line.

You say, "Well..."

No, I know that's not my line.

Th-this is insulting.

Well, it's a character, Jim.

And it is the best acting opportunity you've ever been offered.

But I haven't been offered it. It's an audition.

And I don't know if I want to play a character named Ugly, and I certainly don't want people to know I'm auditioning to play a character named Ugly.

But if you get the role, you could be the lead in a major motion picture, a drama, Jim.

And if you don't, no one will know.

You... you really think I should audition to play a character named Ugly?

I think you could really nail it.

[man beatboxing]

Daniel, I'm Bart, Andy Cohen's assistant.

Hi, Bart.

You're Trevor's new boyfriend, right?

That's me.

Andy's not here, but he's so excited you're being considered for "Million Dollar Listings New York."

Eh, ah, considered... no-no, Andy said it's actually gonna be an offer.

Don't worry. The other guy's from LA.

Why would they put somebody from LA on "Million Dollar Listings New York"?

I have to run. One of the Real Housewives just got an ass lift.

It was Melinda.

[gasps]

That is so Melinda.

[lift bell rings]

[clears throat]

Hi. Hi.

[receptionist gasps]

Hi, Tyler, have a seat.

Thank you so much.

I'm sorry. Ah...

You just look so familiar to me. Are you in real estate?

Oh, God, no. No, I know nothing about real estate.

Oh!

No, that's why I was surprised that they wanted me for "Million Dollar Listings." Doesn't really make sense.

No, it really doesn't make sense for you.

To be honest, I've never even seen the show. But who doesn't want a free trip to New York City?

[laughs sarcastically]

Do you know where the M&Ms store is?

Excuse me.

Tyler. Thanks so much for coming in.

Hi. Of course.

Andy Cohen was adamant that you are perfect for this.

Oh, God. [chuckles]

Is this your dad?

Aww, come with me.

Have you been to the M&Ms store?

No. Where is it?

[man beatboxing]

♪ ♪

Well, it's their loss. You would've been perfect.

Andy Cohen set me up. You know what?

He's jealous. He's jealous that I'm younger and I'm better-looking.

Didn't you steal his boyfriend?

Mm-mm.

Trevor is the thief. He stole my heart.

Come on, Daniel. Own it.

Okay, fine. I stole his boyfriend. And I'm glad I did it.

I didn't want to be in that stupid show anyway.

Besides, who's ever heard of Tyler Oakley?

Oh, I love Tyler Oakley.

He's a huge YouTube star.

And he follows me on Twitter.

Jim, aren't those the baby's teething cookies?

Uh, did the baby buy them?

All right, fine.

Speaking of men saying stupid things, what happened with your catcaller?

Oh, it didn't happen today.

And I had the best comeback.

Oh, yeah? What was it?

Okay, listen to this.

Hey, nice orange hoodie.

I hope you don't get sh*t by a hunter.

I hear it's stupid jerk season.

Oh, dear.

No, hunters... hunters wear orange, Jim.

Yeah.

Oh, Jeannie, it's good.

It's really good.

It's good, right? Yeah.

Yeah. No, it's good.

Good luck on your audition.

Thanks.

Yeah, Jim, you're a shoe-in for any character named Ugly.

I'm surprised they didn't just offer it to you.

Well, we all can't look like Tyler Oakley.

[man beatboxing]

[pops lips]

That... that means face.

♪ ♪
♪ ♪
♪ Ugly, ugly ♪
♪ La-la-la-la, la-la-la ♪

Jim. Hey.

Mulaney. [chuckles]

I didn't know you were auditioning for this.

Yeah, I just got the call from my agent. And, uh, you know, give it a ride.

Jim. You're here for Ugly. That sheet's for another audition.

Uh, are you sure? I think my agent said, uh, "Young JFK."

No, you're in here. I know 'cause I pitched you for Ugly.

The character is named Ugly?

I-I-I think it's pronounced "Ooglay," right?

There's my Ugly.

Come on, Jim, we've been waiting for you.

Father... Father... I can't...

This is Jim Gaffigan.

Hi. [chuckles]

Oh, Jim, why don't you take off your coat?

Oh, oh, okay. Yeah, sure.

Okay?

What did I tell you? Is he Ugly? [chuckles]

Hi, Jim, I'm the writer.

I got to tell you, I wasn't sure exactly what we were looking for here.

But the minute you walked in, I was like, "Oh, my God. He's Ugly."

He is Ugly. [chuckles]

Now, now, I know everyone here thinks this guy's Ugly.

But can we run the scene?

Ah, yes, all right. So, Jim, are you ready?

Uh, yeah.

Okay.

Here we go. [clears throat]

[clears throat]

Uh, jeez, Ugly, you really stink.

Have you showered this week?

Well, you know I sleep every night in the Penn Station men's room since my landlady kicked me out.

Oh, she had to kick you out, Ugly.

There were children that live in that building.

Besides, we have to get in our vintage car and drive across country to get you that face transplant you so desperately need.

You're a good brother.

I don't care how physically grotesque you are.

You're my brother.

And I love you.

[clapping]

[laughing] Right?

I like it.

Right?

Ah, oh, ah, but, ah, I have one question. Can you fart on cue?

What?

Ah, the character of Ugly is farting throughout the movie. He didn't get the whole script.

Can you, ah, fart on cue?

No, I don't think so.

Huh, really?

I would've thought that... Oh, anyway. We'll just lay it in in post.

I don't want to get too spiritual here, but I think that Jim was born to be Ugly.

Absolutely, absolutely.

And we'll save tons of money on special effects makeup.

(Others) Mm-hm.

Philippe, do you have any notes?

Jim, [clears throat]

I'm Philippe, the director.

Uh, nice to meet you.

Such an honor to meet you.

Ah, that was fantastic, huh?

I'm confident that you are Ugly. But let's improvise something, okay?

You're on a date.

Have you been on a date before?

Uh, yes, yes, I've been on a date. [chuckles]

Mm.

So you're on a date, pretend.

Your date is a supermodel. This woman is completely out of your league.

You know what, she doesn't even have to be a supermodel.

Maybe she's a five or a four.

Okay, she's a dumpy, unattractive woman.

But the thing is, she is out of your league, okay?

Okay.

But she is blind, Jim.

She also has no sense of smell.

So you have a sh*t.

Now, you are physically repulsive.

But on the inside, you are also repulsive.

But because she is attractive, we like her, because it's funny, but she would never be with you.

No, no, no, no, no, no, et no.

Jamais, bon.

What do we do here?

I want you to tell her that you love her.

Tell her that you love her and that you want to spend the rest of your life with her, okay?

And go.

I love you.

I want to spend the rest of my life with you.

[laughter]

You're so good, so good. This guy...

I can't imagine anyone else as Ugly.

Oh, wow, that was great.

Thanks. Ah...

We'll be in touch.

Thanks.

We'll see you later.

Thanks again, Jim.

Thanks.

Or should I call you Ugly?

Ha!

Wow!

Really good.

[sighs]

Oh!

He says he can't fart on cue. That shocked me.

[man beatboxing]

♪ ♪

Oh. Wait, here it is.

This is where I got catcalled.

Well, now's your chance to do your comeback. Do your comeback.

But what if no one catcalls me?

You make sure they catcall you.

Mm-hmm.

That's it, lead with the boobs.

Shake that ass!

Pervert.

[indistinct conversations]

I don't know, I don't know. It's all good. It's all good.

A couple of wings over at Lucky's?

Hey, I love wings. I love wings.

Chill out? Couple of beers, huh?

Couple of, hey. We'll see, we'll see.

That jock over there. It's crap.

Hey!

Hey, hey, can I help you, ma'am?

Yes. Who is the boss?

That would be me.

I'm Nick, the foreman. Yeah Nick, I would like to report a catcalling.

I was catcalled right here yesterday.

You got catcalled by my guys?

Yes.

That is totally unacceptable.

I wasn't here yesterday, but rest assured, there is a zero-tolerance policy against catcalling, okay?

Well, good. Yeah, I mean, I know exactly who it was.

It was that guy right there in the orange hoodie.

Gomez? I'll take care of this.

Yo, Gomez!

Hey, get over here.

I don't think you should do your thing about hunting season.

Really? I thought you liked that.

Yeah, I just think it's a little...

Did you yell something at this lady yesterday?

Yeah, she's hot.

Sorry, Gomez, you know the policy. You're fired.

Thanks a lot, lady.

What kind of world are we living in when a woman can't express her appreciation for another woman?

And FYI, your husband's gay.

Excuse me, excuse me.

I am offended that you would assume that I'm her husband.

That's it. Gomez, get your stuff.

Get out of here.

Wait, w....

I-I don't want her to be fired.

You sure?

Yeah.

I-I didn't know she was...

I have decided I am not pressing charges.

Okay, Gomez.

You got a pass this time. But do not let it happen again, you hear me?

Yeah.

Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute. She gets a pass?

What kind of world are we living in where a man can't get That's right! equal treatment in the work place?

That's right.

That's ridiculous, man.

What are you talking about?

She doesn't want to do anything. What am I supposed to do?

She b*at me in arm wrestling yesterday.

[all talking at once]

Shut up, Hilary. No one wants to hear from you.

Whoa, whoa, hey, calm down. Calm down. Calm down, hey, hey, hey.

Get back to work!

Don't you even start with me.

She's touching me.

[all talking at once]

[man beatboxing]

♪ ♪

[man beatboxing continues]

♪ ♪

Get outta here!

Hey!

This just in, a riot has broken out at a construction site in Manhattan's East Village.

[all yelling]

What kind of world are we living in?

[iPhone ringing]

Hey, Stevie.

Big news.

Oh, yeah?

Tyler Oakley is moving to New York.

Is-is that why you're calling me?

No, the big news is that they still want to see you for the role of the taxi driver.

But... but... but what about the major motion picture, the lead with Alec Baldwin?

Alex Baldwin. You didn't get the part.

But they told me I was Ugly.

Yeah, they decided to go in a different direction.

They went with a good-looking guy.

Who? Mulaney?

John Mulaney.

He's gonna be amazing.

Obviously they're gonna have to use lots of special effects makeup.

He is so brave.

You know, he's also playing the Young JFK. He is on fire.

So do you want to go in for the cab driver?

It's two great lines.

[sighs]

Fine.

Email me the pages.

It's only half a page.

Page, whatever. [scoffs]

I got to go, okay?

♪ U-G-L-Y, you ain't got no alibi ♪
♪ You're just ugly ♪
♪ U-G-L-Y, you ain't got no alibi ♪