01x13 - How to Survive Your Birthday

Episode transcripts for the 2015 TV show "Cooper Barrett's Guide to Surviving Life". Aired January 3 - June 26, 2016.
"Cooper Barrett's Guide to Surviving Life" follows recent college graduate Cooper Barrett, his friends and family while exploring what we all go through on our way to figuring out what life is all about.
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01x13 - How to Survive Your Birthday

Post by bunniefuu »

(owl hooting in distance)

When you're in your 20's, there's a lot of pressure to have memorable birthdays.

Of course, some birthdays are more memorable than others.

(whispering): Is he gone yet?

(whispering): No, and we're supposed to be d*ad.

d*ad things don't whisper.

That sounds like anti-ghost propaganda, and I refuse to be a part of it.

Neal: I told you guys, playing d*ad doesn't work.

You're supposed to climb a tree.

(bear growling, Neal gasping anxiously)

(growling) I stand corrected!

I was a fool to trust The Jungle Book.

My name is Cooper Barrett. My friends and I are here to mess up our lives so you don't have to.

(alarm beeping)

Some people wake up on their birthday smiling, ready to have a good time. I am not one of those people, because I'm pretty sure my birthday's cursed.

Crowd: Happy birthday!

Happy birthday, Cooper!



Cooper, it's me, Grandpa.

Worst birthday ever.

Mr. Barrett, your test results came back.

You have Ebola.

Oh, and happy birthday!

Worst birthday ever.

(partiers cheering)

Happy birthday, Cooper!


(groaning, gasping)



Never gets old.

So, if this birthday would just fly under the radar, I'd prefer that.

But with my friends, that's not possible.

Morning, guys.

Hey, Coop.


Dude, you're not going to believe this.

There's a police standoff at the bank on Windsor.

You know, the one with the free pens.

Mm, those pens are not free, dude.

Why do they have them with the free necklaces that's attached to the counter?

Apparently, these four guys in baby masks held up the bank and the police think that one of them got away.

Barry: What if those aren't masks?

And they're just big aggressive babies.

Well, if nothing else is happening today, I'm going to go have a business lunch with Ramona.

Oh, you mean Ramona, "I'm a horrible person that Cooper "unwisely decided to make his business partner" Miller?

And they say black people give their kids weird names.

Tell her I wish her the best... therapist... money can buy.



(Kelly laughs)

Kelly: Nailed it. Hey... maybe don't tell her that, she scares me.

Anything else?

Oh, yeah...

We're not going to be here later, so you've got to be back by three to feed James Franco.

Barry: Here, use my pen. Write it down. Don't forget.

(cell phone rings)

Hey, Josh.

Hey, hey, hey.

You've also got Leslie.

Hey, we're calling to tell you...

Aw, you guys are so nice.

...to be safe, because there's an armed standoff at a bank, two blocks from where you are, and one of the robbers is on the loose.

Josh: Can you turn it up? She's about to say they have no new information.


Because of the distinctive baby masks, police are calling the suspects the Baby Face g*ng.

Cooper: Yeah, I already knew about that. Uh... anything else you want to tell me, or...

Yeah, actually, your brother and I are thinking of having another baby.


We are actively not thinking about it.

Leslie: No. We are thinking about it, because as our couples counselor said, if you don't consider it, then you're not considerate.

This conversation is making me sterile.

Okay, I'm going to hang up now.

Leslie: Be safe.

Thanks for meeting up to go over all this stuff on a Saturday.

No problem.

But first, I have something for you.

Happy birthday.

(both laugh)

I can't believe you remembered.

Well, you know, it's not that hard.

There's Facebook.

I have an assistant with a calendar.

That book totally transformed how I run a company.

"Business Before Pleasure".

Yeah, it helped me realize that without friends, family, and personal time, we're all just robots, who are incredibly efficient and make lots of money.

Hmm, that's very thoughtful.


Do you know that everyone else forgot it was my birthday?


Even that short lesbian girl with the glasses?

You mean Neal?

He's a guy.

That's what I thought at first, based on the name, but then, I second-guess myself.

No, it's not like I wanted them to make a big fuss out of it.

It's just, you know, I thought they'd remember.

At least Kelly.

Right, because you two are dating.

We're not dating.

Hooking up?


Oh, I get it.

She's dating that Neal girl.

Again, Neal's a guy.


I think it's the hair.


So what is the deal with you and Kelly?

There's no deal.

We're just good friends who forget each other's birthdays.

Well, I would never forget your birthday.



You didn't have to walk me home.

I'm not drunk-drunk.

I'm just doing a day-drunk.

Well, I could care less about your well-being.

I really just came back here to seduce you.

(laughs) Well, I came back to feed my pig.

And that is not a euphemism.

You're not kidding about the seducing thing, huh?

This is not what typically happens on my birthdays.

A lot of notches in that thing.

(grunts, mutters)

Group: Surprise!

(horn toots)

H-h-how did you...

Barry: Kelly's been organizing this for weeks.


See, this is the kind of thing that typically happens on my birthday.


Woman: Oh, get over here.

I happy to celebration your born day, Cooper.

Have a good time.



Barry: So you literally just heard about the party today?

Cooper: Hey.


Who's that guy?

That's Arvid, dude.

He's Airbnb-ing Asexual Tony's spare room.

The guy on the first floor?

No, that's Sexual Tony.

Asexual Tony lives on the second floor.

He's right over there.

Hey, Tony.

Yeah, look man, Kelly worked her ass off to make sure everybody was here for your birthday.

(sighing): Yeah.

I gotta fix this.

Hey, Kelly, I just, uh...


I just want to apologize.

For what?

You organized the whole party, and then, I-I-I-I came in...

Making out with the worst person in the world with your pants around your ankles?

(forced laughter): I didn't notice that.

Besides, I barely did anything.

No, no, no, don't do this, girl, you need to lean in, okay?

She worked her tail off for three weeks.

It wasn't three weeks.

Neal: Girl, stop. Dude, she sent out the invites, put up the decorations, and she got us all tickets to see Boyz II Men in Big Bear via a party bus that she booked with her own money.

It wasn't just my money.

Yes, it was.

Our offer to chip in was a empty gesture.

I have no money in my bank account.

I'm broke as hell.

Look, other people contributed.

Yeah, like Neal. He made these Japanese burritos.

They're called sushi.

No, "sushi" is Japanese for "burrito," and "burrito" is Mexican for "delicious."


Herring is a little fish, which is best pickled.

Many things are good pickled. (laughs)

You're a very boring person.

Look, I'm really sorry.

Cooper, you have nothing to apologize for, honestly.

I was a little thrown; that's it.

Come on, uh, if I threw you a party and you came in making out with some girl with your pants around you ankles, I mean...

I'd be super into that, so that was a bad example.

Look, j-just so you know, I'm not going to bring Ramona to the concert.

What? No, bring her.

Cooper, I-I just wanted you to have a good birthday with people you're comfortable with.

This doesn't bother me.

You sure?

(forced laughter): Yes, I'm fine.

Jell-O sh*t, anyone?

What do you think, Cooper?

Should I do a purple one... or a green one? Or maybe a red one?

Just take a freaking Jell-O sh*t, Ramona.

Fun, so much fun.

Mmm! Mmm!

(inhales deeply)

Oh, I love the smell of a rented party bus.

The idea that you can party on your way to your party.

One of man's greatest inventions.

Wheel, f*re, party bus.

Let's do this.

(all cheering, whooping)

Josh... what are you doing?

Just getting on the party bus, baby.

No, honey, we have to relieve the sitter at 10:00, so we're going to take the minivan, and follow them.

Josh: No, no, no, no, no... B-Baby, it's a, it's a party bus.

Look at all this stuff. Lookit... stripper pole.

No, Josh, we gotta go.

What? No, no, no.

We gotta go.

Josh! Josh!

Guys, help me out here.

I am not going to pull you off...

No, no, no, no, guys, gotta get some...

...of a stripper pole again.

It's a party bus! (wails)

No, no, no!

Not today, Josh.


Come on!

Go! Come on!

All right!

All: Bye! Bye, Josh!

Go, just go, go, go, it'll be fine.

We'll follow you in the van.

Oh, cheer up, Josh.

This van's about to get turnt.

I brought us a little piece of the party bus to make our trip extra fun.

Is it the black light? Please tell me it's the black light.



♪ Hello... new friends, now it's time to... ♪

.. party! (laughing)

♪ Peeka-peeka... Party! ♪
♪ Be the party, beep, beep! ♪
♪ Be the party! Boop, boop-ba-doop. ♪
♪ Group at the crib and the grooves in the monkey ♪
♪ Packed up my trunks and my drawers say funky... ♪

Ramona, do you know that, uh, Kelly also used to play volleyball in high school?

Yeah, she actually does know that because I told her when she was pretending to be my friend, so she could sabotage your business.

Remember that? That was fun.

Grudges give you wrinkles, Kelly.

(nervous laugh) Okay.

Oh, look, it's Barry and Neal, I'm going to g... you, uh, you guys keeps talking.

Hey, birthday boy.

Hey, hey, hey.

Guys, I can't spend the next five hours with Kelly pretending she's not mad at me.

This birthday is turning out to be worse than my Ebola scare.

But they made you live in a box and they gave you all new blood.

(giggles) All because they switched your test results with that other guy.

Poor Cooper Bartlett.

(stomach gurgling)

Speaking of vomiting uncontrollably, I don't feel so good.

The only thing I had was Neal's homemade sushi.

Which I prepared with the highest quality fish and stored at the perfect temperature 6 1/2 weeks ago.

Barry: Six and... oh, my God.


Did anyone else have Neal's sushi?

Thanks, guys.

Stop the bus!

(brakes screech)

Man: Oh, my God! Oh! (groaning)

Barry: Get the hell out of my face!

Neal: Oh, what's the Japanese word for barf?

(partiers coughing, gagging, vomiting)

There's one thing missing.

(retching): There it is.

And for the record, if we had a second child, that's 18 more years of being denied the pleasures of awesome stuff like party buses.

Yeah, my mind goes more towards years of priceless family memories, but your mobile bus thing is important, too.

Why you only make one child?

Do you have the broken penis?

No, my penis is fine.

I'm just not convinced that I need a second child.

But every child needs another to play with and to blame for stealing the neighbor's cat for the practice kissing.

It's very sad to grow up alone.

That is so true; that is so true.

Hey, check it out, Arvid... moon roof.

Told you we should have made cupcakes.

Ah, I knew the tuna from the mini mart wasn't fresh.

Hey, would you get your ass back on the bus?

You're ruining your birthday for me.

Can you just admit you're mad so we can move on?

Fine. I'm mad, okay?

The only thing worse than Ramona is you being with Ramona.

Look, she just happened to kiss me at a moment where I was feeling bad about myself and I went with it, all right?

It-it was a mistake.

I could not be less into Ramona.
Bus driver: Everyone back on?

Yep, that's everyone.

But damn, that sushi was delicious.

Agreed, I would not change a thing.

Cooper: Where are they going?

Kelly: Hey!

Come back!

Kelly: Wait! Wait!


Anyone got anything remotely resembling a bar, yet?


This is the last time I let a cute girl from a phone commercial seduce me.

I say we keep walking until a car comes by.

We've been doing that for 45 minutes.

We need a new plan.

Okay, I saw we stay here, start a whole new society governed on the laws of nature.

Also, there's a Thunderdome.

Or, we take this path that leads to town that can't be more than like a mile away.

That sounds sketchy.

I-I saw we stay and wait for a car to come by.

I like Kelly's plan.

Did anybody hear what I said about the Thunderdome?

Let's go.

Seriously, guys?

Cooper, it could be hours before another car comes.

(bird calling in distance)

Damn it.

You really think Holden is pretentious?

Oh, yeah, it's like, "Look, everybody, I read book."

Get over yourself.

He's so right.

No, he's not.

We're not having another kid.

Yeah, because you have the broken penis.

Yes, Arvid, because I have a broken penis.

How did you break it?

Did you guys hear that?

What direction did we come from?

What kind of idiot builds a path that doesn't go anywhere?

It goes to the highway.

Cooper: We're the idiots.

This is like Naked and Afraid but without the nudity, and way more fear.

This is "Afraid and Afraid."

Okay, let's just keep going this way, this feels right.

Cooper: I feel like you're still upset with me.

Kelly: What on earth would give you that idea?

Kelly, can I ask you something?

Would you be this upset if I was just making out with some random girl instead of Ramona?

What are you getting at, Cooper?

You're not mad 'cause I was with Ramona.

You're mad 'cause I was with someone who wasn't you.

Admit it, you got a bad case of the Coopers.


Are you... are you kidding me?

Yep, definitely got a bad case of the Coopers.

Kelly: Hello.

You freaked out when I saw you with Ramona because you were worried that that would ruin your chances with me.

(Cooper scoffs)

I think you like me.

Barry: She's right, man.

You got Kell-orrea.

Guys, shut up.

Barry, mine sounds gross.

Neal: Please shut up.

I mean, could it not be Kelly-itis?

Shut up!

Barry: What?


Josh, you have to admit Arvid has a point.

Gracie needs someone to grow up with.

You're taking advice from a random Swedish guy who admitted to Frenching his cat.

Okay, he's a little eccentric.

A little?


But he is wiser than you give him credit for.



(startled gasp)

Arvid: Oh...

Oh, whatcha got there, Arvid?

Is that some kind of Swedish candy?

No, it's the crystal meth.

Please, take.


Oh, no.

I'm good. Thank you. No.

Okay, he's not so wise, Josh, do something, do something.

Do not smoke that meth in this minivan, Arvid.

Arvid? I will pull this car over.

Arvid, no! Arvid, put that down!

Josh: Put that meth down, Arvid!


I don't want that meth smell in my car!

Josh, pull over!

(bear growls)

Guys, if I don't make it out of here, there's a folder on my desktop marked "Yolo."

Whatever you do, do not let my mom open it.

It's going to eat Neal, what do we do?

Barry: He's not going to eat Neal. I saw this on TV.

If he's black, att*ck. If it's brown, lay down.

Okay, it looks really brown to me.

Barry: No, it... that is black.

Watch this.

Kelly: Barry!



(bear growls)

It's brown. It's definitely brown.

I told you!


Barry: Jump!


(both yelling)


(all gasping, screaming)


(all yell)

(bear growling)

Why don't you come on inside?

He won't be back for a while.

W-We can't thank you enough.

Yeah, you're a lifesaver, literally.

Trust me, I know what it feels like to be on the run.

You got trouble on your heels, the past is catching up with you, you're just looking for a place to start over.

Or just hide.



It's relatable.

What did you say your name was, again?

Doesn't matter.

(owl hooting in distance)

Uh, we're going to need another can of beans.

Take over the stirring, would you?

Excuse me.


(door opens, shuts)

I'm starting to get a weird feeling about this guy.

I know! Another can of beans?

The bean-to-meat ratio in this chili is already insane.

Uh, Cooper, that guy is not in any of these pictures.

Kelly: So maybe he took them.

Come on, guys, you're being suspicious for no reason.

I gotta pee.

(door creaks)

Well, there's a reason.

(Neal gasps)

He's one of the robbers that got away.

Let's get the hell up out of here.

Where's the exit?

I don't think that's such a good idea.

Ma'am, sit down.

I'm actually a guy.


Yeah, I'm calling it. It's official.

Worst birthday ever.

Please, just let us go, okay? We didn't see anything, so...

No, nothing.

No g*n.

No baby mask. I didn't see nothing.

I'm legally blind. These glasses are fake.


You boys are fun.

But I can't let you go.


(guys screaming)


Whoa, Kel, nice job! He's out cold!

(giggles) Thanks. Yeah, it's mostly muscle memory.

We do a similar thing in Crossfit.



All right, let's go.

Hey, wait, I think we're missing an opportunity here.

Come on, man.

We all want to put his hand in warm water to see if he pees himself, and then take a humiliating selfie, okay?

But this is not the time, nor the place.

No, there's a reward out for the escaped members of the Baby Face g*ng.

We can't. He could wake up any minute.

Yeah, let's go. There's a truck outside.

Neal: All right, fine.

This guy is worth $50,000.

Josh, meet us at the Big Bear sheriff's station.

Just do it.

I think I finally found a way to salvage this birthday.

Let's go.

So creepy.

Kelly: Did anyone bring the chili?

Hello, Officer.

I'm Cooper Barrett, and I'm about to make you and me very famous.

I can't wait.

Our sources confirm that this is the last of the escaped robbers picked up by police outside of Pasadena. In case you're just joining us, all of the Baby Face g*ng have been apprehended and are in police custody.

Oh, no.

Abort, abort, abort, abort!

That's not the guy.


Are you telling me we kidnapped an innocent man?

Yeah, and as*ault him with a frying pan.

And taped his mouth and tied him up and stole his truck.

Abort, abort.

(other agreeing)

Are they carrying a d*ad body?

I missed everything today.

Is this okay to leave him like this?

Uh, I'm kind of unclear on proper hostage release etiquette, but this seems pretty solid.

All right.


It's great. Okay.Okay.

Hey, you.

A lovely cabin.

It's cold. I'm sorry.

All right, baby.

All: Happy birthday, Cooper!

(all cheering)

Aw, look at your baby brother.

And I'm not using the word baby to pressure you, because I'm done with that topic.

I was just thinking about how much better my life is because of him.

It kind of bums me out that Gracie doesn't have that.

What are you saying?

Maybe it's time that we reexamined the topic.

Aw, baby.

On one condition...

You can keep the black light in the minivan.

Actually, I was going to ask for the stripper pole.

You know, the candlewax actually makes it more palatable.

You know, I, uh, I just wanted to...

Hi, Cooper. Kelly.

You missed an amazing Boys II Men show.

They did six encores.

And it was basically the coolest thing that's ever happened.

Oh, really? Because we were chased by a bear, so...


Uh, Cooper, can I talk to you for a second?

Sure, yeah.

(Barry laughing)

Barry: Right here's a real thin...

Mmm, mmm, mmm!

Candle cheese.

So what have we learned?

Boys II Men still tours; double-check before you turn in a fugitive, and never ever go into the woods.



You got out of there pretty fast.

What did you talk to Ramona about?

You don't have to tell me.

Nah, that's okay.

Uh, she told me that her feelings for me went beyond just professional, and I I told her that we shouldn't work together anymore.


That is so awesome.

It's not that awesome.

It's going to cost me like 15 grand to get out of the deal.

It's still pretty awesome.

Okay, well, good night.


Most importantly, don't let a birthday curse get you down, 'cause sometimes you got to get through a bad day to get to something good.

Hey, Cooper.


Um, what you said, in the woods, about me and, uh... well, you were right about that.

So were you.

You know, I, um, I do have Kell-orrea.

♪ ♪

Do it!

All right, all right.

I'm trying, I'm trying, I'm trying.

This is the best birthday ever.

Don't be weird.

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