05x15 - Unholy Matrimony

[bunniefuu]

Hi.

Whoo, flowers. Who are they from?

Peter.

Don't want 'em.

After you told me how he acted that night, the only person I want drunkenly passing out on the couch is Yolanda.

Actually, these are for me for me for writing that review for him.

Aw, well, he should have sent a maid for what he did to our bathroom.

Oh my god. Gabi... his editor thought the article was so good, Peter got me a gig! I'm writing an article for an indie music blog!

Here are the tickets! I can't believe it!

Now I'm the cool music journalist!

That's so great, look at you, with your words!

I know! And I had so much fun writing that review.

And turns out... I'm really good at it!

Sofia, maybe this is your thing!

Oh my god! I have a thing!

You have a thing!

I have a thing!

You're a writer!

Aah! Who knew?

My mom!

You know what, Gabi?

Maybe your mom wasn't leading you to your soul mate.

Maybe she was leading me to my passion.

Ohh... that's so sweet.

Still single down here, Mom!

(squeals)

What are these?

Hm, grapes.

Those are grapes, yeah.

Just put that in there and let them ferment, and then make Grandma some wine.

Hey, Mom.

(gasps) Oh. Benjamin Wheeler, you are going to drop to your knees and thank me.

There is literally nothing you could say that would make me do that.

Mm-hmm.

Emma is officially potty-trained!

Oh, my god, thank you!

Yes!

I never thought this day would come.

How'd you do it?

I didn't. That tip money you did on your dresser did.

Turns out, the kid likes cash.

(phone rings)

Where's my phone?

Uh, more importantly, where's Emma?

(toilet flushes)

Oh, no. Emma! Emma!

Emma... Oh, god... No!

My phone!

My bad, I couldn't potty-train her but I did teach her flushing things is funny.

(theme music playing)

♪ It's amazing how the unexpected ♪
♪ Can take your life and change direction ♪

Really?

Yeah, that's amazing!

Oh, no, I promise.

I won't tell anybody.

I have to tell somebody.

Oh, Emma.

You're not gonna believe what just happened.

Have you ever heard of Elena Rios?

Yeah, me either.

But she's a giant movie star in Spain and she's got a huge movie opening here.

And her manager thinks that it might help her get more press if she pretends to date a famous American athlete.

I guess they couldn't find one, so they called me!

Oh, I know what you're thinking.

You're thinking about Aunt Riley, aren't you?

Well, I haven't told you this, but we aren't dating right now.

Plus this whole thing with Elena is strictly professional.

It's just for publicity.

Hey, dude, what's going on?

Oh, um, Emma was just explaining her story.

So let me get this straight, he huffed, then he puffed, then he blew the house down?

Got it.

See ya, Ben.

It's nice that Danny has someone to talk to about literature.

Hey, Tuck, how'd it go?

Did your super hot producer Julia agree to go out with me?

She did. She did, but remember, man, I work with this girl.

Okay, so don't be too... you.

Dude, you have nothing to fear, okay?

I will be polite, mature...

What the hell?

Huh?

That's Danny.

On a date, with a movie star.

What? Read your phone, join the 21st century.

Hey, guys.

Yo, seriously, bro?

Elena Rios?

Why didn't you tell us?

So not a big deal.

Uh-huh, yeah it is!

Dude, look at the headline.

It says, "This is such a big deal."

God, I can't believe I thought Riley was the best you could do.

Congrats, bro.

How could you not tell me that you're dating a movie star, man?

If I ever want to make it on the entertainment desk, this is the kind of story I need to break.

Look, I'm trying to do something important with my life, okay?

Something that matters.

Celebrity news.

All right, just give me a piece of exclusive information, like how'd you two meet?

Oh, um... it's a long story.

I had it written down, I'll go get it.

Thanks for finally inviting me to the cool girls lunch, ladies.

I'm so tired of eating with those HR gals.

Apparently, everything I say is offensive or r*cist.

(scoffs) Narcs.

To being young and single.

Uh-huh, well, one of us is just young.

But not as young as my husband, Brad.

He's got a face that will make you believe in God, and an ass that will make you believe in the devil.

I hear the sizzle.

Where's the steak?

Show these chicks some pics.

Oh, well, here's the thing, my granddaughter flushed my phone down the toilet.

Makes you wish for the old days when you could just pull it out by the cord.

Like you pulled that story just now out of your ass?

No.

No, I swear.

I mean, I would bring him to the office, but he's off traveling the world.

(laughing)

A spiritual quest.

Finding himself.

I think I'm gonna find myself the ladies room.

Yeah. I'm gonna take this, sometimes there's a line.

What did I tell you?

She is a compulsive liar. I honestly think that she's pathological.

Like she's got a hot younger husband, and I don't like cats.

But I guess when you have no self-esteem and you're just desperate to impress people, then you...

Excuse me, ladies.

Have any of you seen Bonnie Wheeler?

I'm her husband, Brad.

I'm back from traveling the world.

You're Bonnie's husband?

That is what I just said, isn't it?

We're Bonnie's co-workers.

I'm Judy, but you can call me any time you want to.

That's great.

She's told me so much about all of you.

Especially you.

She said you're the nicest.

Anyways, I should go find her. Enjoy your meal.

Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom.

What?

I think I just did something weird.

Oh, Riley. Yo, what's up?

Ugh, god, I don't know.

Work's just a whole lot of awkward right now.

I got assigned to this case with Ross, and I think he must have heard that I broke up with Danny, because he keeps suggesting that we have lunch and I don't know...

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

I didn't really need an answer.

But, you know, I am glad to see that you're thinking about dating again.

'Cause I'm sure you heard that Danny's dating the hottest woman on the planet.

Oh, my!

Tell me everything you know.

Wait, you didn't know that Danny was dating Elena Rios?

Elena Rios?

Who's Elena Rios? I've never heard of her.

Well, you will if you watch my broadcast tonight.

Oh, my god, I just... I just...

I just thought that Danny and I would have worked things out by now.

I'm waiting for him to finally apologize and admit that he was wrong so we can just fall back into each other's arms and go back to making other people feel bad about not being as in love as we are.

Riley, I'm sorry that I'm the one that told you.

It's okay.

I'll be okay eventually.

Yeah, well I'm not gonna be okay, you just broke my spine.

I just can't believe that Tucker set you up with me instead of himself.

Well, I think it would have been hard for him after I saw him strike out with the donut girl, the graphics girl, and the coffee girl.

But, if you miss him so much, he can come on our second date.

Oh, a second date.

Guess I didn't do as bad as I thought.

Or maybe I should have had that second glass of wine.

Hey, works for me.

Last chance to back out.

No, I'm definitely good.

Riley?

Ross?

Really?

What? Just a little date.

Dating. Me and Ross.

We're... on a date.

So feel free to share that information with everyone.

This is a date?

I would have worn a more exciting tie if I knew it was a date.

I'm excited about your tie.

Excuse me, can we get this to go?

Have fun, kids.

(chattering quietly)

Ben: Hey, Mom.

Sorry I'm late, but if it's any consolation, I just had the best date.

Yeah, I heard.

What you talking about?

I'm talking about the fact that I'm married to a cheater.

Brad cheated on you?

No.

You did!

Well, in all fairness, we never said we were exclusive.

Oh, yeah, and the flower?

Riley and Ross!

I just saw Riley and Ross on a date together. With each other.

Uh...

Yeah, man. Yeah, sorry about that.

Why are you sorry?

What? No reason.

You pushed those together, man, not me.

I did?

Yeah.

The newspaper, I mean, you moving on with Elena Rios.

Man, this is all your fault.

Okay, I'm completely off the hook here.

I mean, not with you, with something at work, but who cares?

Man, you're dating Elena.

Doesn't count, it's not real.

Wait a minute.

What do you mean it's not real?

Uh... did I say not real?

I meant to say not real fun yet, but you cut me off.

Stop cutting me off, dude.

Oh, no, no, no.

You are not changing the subject, man.

If you do not tell me the truth...

I mean, there's not much I can thr*aten you with, so please, man, just tell me the truth.

Fine.

The truth is it's just a publicity stunt.

We aren't really dating.

You happy?

What?

Dude, I'm covering this premiere because I told them that you two were dating.

And I could get a juicy interview, and now you're... now you're telling me that you're fake dating?

This is so much better.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. You can't tell anyone.

Nobody has this story, man, this could be my big break.

No, Tucker, please, don't say a word.

I'm asking you as a friend.

Really?

The friend card?

You know you only get to use that once. You sure you want to use that now?

Yes.

Dammit!

Shouldn't have wasted mine on a sandwich.

Hey, Emma.

Can we talk?

I can't believe Ross is back with Riley.

I mean, I should probably just give up on us already.

Riley's obviously moved on.

I might as well move on too.

You agree?

Yes.

Great, I'm telling people it was your idea.

(sighs)

Riley! Ross!

Hey, man, how you been?

Hey, Tucker. Good.

Wow, that is a nice looking briefcase you got there.

I'm actually in the market for one of these myself. You mind?

Wow. Wow, it's nice, it's light, even.

Handles a little bit slippery though.

Oh, snap!

What the hell's wrong with you?

Oh, man! My fault.

Let me get the door, man. Whoops!

Okay, do you want to tell me what's going on or should I be working on what I should tell the police when they can't find you?

So, um, Riles, any chance you're dating Ross just because I told you that Danny's dating Elena Rios?

What? No!

That's so... what?

Hoo! Okay.

That is a relief.

Okay, 'cause, you know, their relationship's not even real.

What? What? What do you mean, it's not even real?

Oh, it's totally fake. It's all for the cameras.

What kind of reporter are you?

Oh, hello no!

(forced laughter)

I mean, it honestly happens all the time.

But that's life when you have a twin brother.

God made two of them.

That's us. I love this picture.

It's real... it's real.

Twin brother, huh?

Do you think he'd go out with me?

I don't know.

He'd definitely go out with you.

Oh! (forced laugh)

I think we need more drinks.

Brad, sweetie, why don't you get us some refills.

And feel free to take your time. Okay?

Great idea.

(both groan)

Mm, mm, mm, mm.

How's he in the sack?

Oh, he is amaz... (gags)

He is just awesome.

He is okay.

Oh, my god. Thank god. Ah, thank god.

It's my son, New York Ranger, Danny Wheeler.

Did I mention that he is dating rising star Elena Rios?

Are you really dating Elena Rios?

I love her!

Yep. I'm escorting her to her movie premiere tomorrow.

Hey, if you're such a big fan, why don't you come to the premiere with my mom?

I've got tons of extra tickets.

No, honey, actually I think...

Oh, I'd love to come!

All right.

Oh!

If you don't mind me third-wheeling with you and your husband?

Oh, is Brad back?

Cool! I love him.

He's like a brother to me.

And that's how you do a fake kiss.

But on camera, it will look muy real.

Felt pretty real to me.

Everywhere.

You know, we don't have to fake this, Elena.

I like you.

For real.

What was that?

"The sound of two souls crashing together."

It's a line from my movie.

I know it's not very good.

Oh, Danny, hey!

Uh, you remember Ross?

I remember punching Ross.

Ross.

Danny.

Ross.

Danny.

Take it you two are an item again?

You take it right.

But that shouldn't bother someone dating Elena Rios.

Really? Oh, my god, she's gorg... Ow!

That was my rib.

Well, I gotta go get changed for Elena's big premiere.

But, you know, I can get you guys tickets if you want to come.

Oh, no, I don't...

We'll be there.

So will I.

Look, is it me, or are you just dating me to make Danny jealous?

(sighs) Ross... if you're going to continue to be so insecure, I don't know if we're gonna make it.

Can't believe I have to do this.

Please. I saw your last girlfriend.

I'm so much hotter than her.

My last girlfriend was Riley.

Exactly.

Fine, whatever. I'll walk down the red carpet with you and Judy, but I got another date with Julie tonight, so I'm going to roll before the credits do.

When you walk into work on Monday, you can tell them you met someone else.

Who?

I don't know, how about your actual husband, Brad?

Oh, that's good.

Tucker! Tucker!

Just remember, you only get one question with Elena.

So it better be amazing.

Hey, yeah, I was just gonna, you know, ask her about the movie.

Maybe what's her favorite scene?

No, don't ask her about the movie.

No one cares about the movie.

People want dirt.

That means grab that little shovel you call a microphone and start digging.

Well, I...

I mean, I kinda do sorta know this one big secret.

But I'd have to betray my friend.

Pfft, Tucker, you work in television.

You have no friends.

You need to be heartless.

Look at me. My grandmother just d*ed.

Nothing!

Paparazzi: Over here, please!

Just hold my hand and stop complaining.

You're the one that told them we were married in the first place.

Which isn't even believable.

Danny, I could see, but you? I mean, come on.

Ben, Ben, hey. Have you seen Danny?

Did she just call you Ben?

Oh, she calls everybody Ben since the accident.

You know, steel plate. (clicks tongue)

My name is Brad and I'm married to my mom.

Got it.

And I'm dating Ross for all the right reasons.

I mean, this is actually kind of fun.

This is the easy part. Get ready for the interviews.

And if you don't know what to say, just say, "What a magical night."

I know that's what everyone says, but I'm an actress, no one's expecting much.

Oh, my god. (scoffs)

Can you believe them?

Them, I believe. It's us I'm having a little trouble with.

What was I thinking, inviting Riley and Ross?

They look so in love.

Now I'm never gonna get back together.

Well, maybe she's just faking it with Ross the way you are with Elena.

I'm not faking it with Elena now.

But, do you think if she found out that Elena and I were definitely faking it, that she'd break up with Ross and get back together with me.

How would she find that out?

Because you're gonna say that our relationship's fake on TV.

Really?

You're gonna let me ask?

This could make my career!

Thank you, Danny.

When I become famous, I will not forget what you've done.

Yeah, I probably will.

Riley, this is ridiculous.

You haven't taken your eyes off of Danny and Elena.

Wh... (chuckles)

Look, I really like you, but this is obviously a rebound.

No! No...

Riley, Riley, I don't want to be that guy.

This is important. You mean something to me.

Okay.

Okay. I'm...

I'm not over what happened with Danny, but I really, really want to be.

So, if you just give me a chance, I promise I will move on and we could see where this goes?

I've always wanted to see where this goes.

And we are here with Elena Rios.

Elena, I just have one teensy little question for you.

Is it true the you're a fake couple set up by your managers just to help your career?

What a magical night.

Right, mi querido?

Uh, Tucker's right, we were set up for publicity.

But, it turned out to be so much more.

This is a hundred percent real.

Well, in that case, what's your favorite scene in the movie?

Danny! There you are.

Oh, whoa!

I can't believe I didn't think you could do better than Riley.

Congrats, bro.

Well, aren't you gonna introduce us?

Oh, right, sorry.

This is Elena...

Ben?

Julia? What are you doing here?

My job. What are you doing here?

You know when people say it's not what it looks like?

That's never been more true than now.

Brad, why does everybody keep calling you Ben?

Well, because that's his name.

He's my brother.

Brad's my step-dad.

Your brother's your step-dad?

No. He's not, right Mom?

No, sweetie.

You're pretending to be married to your son.

You're on a date with your mom?

Yeah, but it looks like we're about to break up, so...

Oh, my god! I was in a telenovela like this once.

Someone's about to get sh*t.

I knew you didn't have a hot husband.

I do, I do, I do!

She does. She really does.

Yes!

Look, I only told you I was my mom's husband because I heard what you said about her.

My mom's a lot of things, but she's not a liar.

Well...

Okay, she's a liar.

But not about this one specific thing.

Yes.

Look, Judy, all I ever wanted was to fit in.

And you know you're the office Queen Bee.

And if you say I'm cool, then I'm cool. So, what do you say?

Oh, is that all you wanted?

Why didn't you just ask?

Oh, okay then.

Can we be friends?

Hell no! You are so going down.

The girls in the office are gonna love this story.

Judy, wait.

I extended you an olive branch and you responded with an act of w*r.

(whispering) You have no idea what you've done, Judy.

This is all your fault.

(groans)

Don't you walk away from me, Judy.

Wow. Dad was a saint.

Julia! Hey.

So, about me and my mom, we're not actually dating.

Funny. Neither are we.

Does that mean you don't want to go...

No, I'm good.

Hey, how many guys can you say dumped their mom for you?

No? Okay.

So, guess I'm gonna change back into my weatherman tie.

How'd it go with Julia?

Bad news.

Remember when you said not to be me?

I was me.