01x05 - Guess Who's Comin' to Dinner

[bunniefuu]

Folks, temptation just ain't the name of five dudes... from Detroit harmonizin' on My Girl.

That's right. That's right.

No, temptation's around all of us, and it's everywhere.

Temptation don't make you a bad person.

No!

Temptation just makes you human, that's all.

Yeah, that's right.

'Cause I ain't the first one carrying the cross... to walk the line with prostitutes.

Oh... yeah.

Can I get an amen?

Amen! Amen!

Thank y'all for coming out.

Thank you, sir. God bless you. Thank you so much.

Thank you, Pastor.

That's a wonderful hat.

Yeah, thank you, sir. Thank you.

What the f...

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

So much for "going straight!"

I hope this doesn't give you "daddy issues."

Momma says that's how girls end up dancing for dollars... on the brass sin stick.

Uh, he's not my dad.

Hey, having a dad's not all it's cracked up to be.

Look at mine.

Ever since I snuck out to the Party Break show... he says I'm not allowed out... without a "responsible adult chaperone."

Maybe my mom could chaperone?

I love your mom... but she's an unwed mother living in sin... with her unemployed beefcake boyfriend.

Mom's words, not mine.

We don't need someone to actually go with us... just an adult willing to lie to your parents.

Thank you for coming out, halleluja.

Hey, man, you sounded like a real preacher in there.

Yeah, never underestimate my capacity for showmanship.

Attendance is up, Debbie's gettin' her mama money... and my parole officer thinks I hung the moon.

Have a great day, sir.

Should be smooth sailin' from here on out.

I hope so.

Hey there, Pastor. Nice to meet you.

Really inspiring sermon today.

I know you're probably pretty upset... but it's not what it looks like.

Looks like you're pretending to be a preacher.

That's pretty much it.

But you gotta understand...

I gotta make enough money to pay your mom that child support.

Oh, so this is my fault?

I didn't say that.

Although, if you look at it objectively...

Look, save the excuses, Vern. I don't need a dad.

But I do need a lying preacher.

(MUSIC PLAYING)

Ronnie! Do you believe this guy?

Why does he think it's okay to park his boat in my yard?

What are you talking about? It's been there five months.

It's not hurting nothing.

It's hurting my photo sh**t.

The photographer from Craft Craft Craft Magazine... is coming to take my picture in my studio.

Look, I'll take care of it.

Problem... fixed.

Problem not fixed.

Honey, I want it to feel airy and bigger, okay?

I want the curtains open.

Look, babe, I'm sorry, I gotta finish preppin' for my show.

You're gonna prep yourself to go over there... and tell him to move that boat.

Thanks, babe.

You don't even know it yet... but all too soon, you'll be all mine.

Somebody blew up your mailbox.

This isn't just God's house, this is my house.

These fools done knocked on the wrong door.

Smells expensive... like a nitro chemical mixed with a high-grade black powder.

How do you know that?

Eyes are busted, but I got nostrils like a DEA bloodhound.

See anything else?

Yeah, it's got a catfish logo on it.

Looks like these criminals... left their calling card.

Why are you talking like that?

CSI: Miami!

I'm pausing to put my sunglasses back on... before delivering a meaty line.

It's like, if you could see my sunglasses where they were... at the time, you'd understand what I was actually doing.

Look, I heard it takes a criminal to catch a criminal.

Which is why I need you.

And also, the sheriff has strongly suggested...

I stop attempting to drive.

Well then, looks like we're... I'm putting them back on... going catfishing.

Knock it off.

What do we got?

Typical small-time dealer.

Young clientele... couple college kids.

My guess is we lean on this punk... he crumbles like a piece of coffee cake.

Man, I love coffee cake.

It's incredibly delicious.

We need to focus up.

You want to be good cop or bad cop?

How 'bout we nicely ask the man who's sellin' the fireworks?

Copy that. You're good cop.

(MUSIC PLAYING)

Give you a good deal on a gross of 'em.

Well, let me know if you change your mind.

Hey, what can I do you for today, gentlemen?

Me and my partner here...

We're not partners.

Associate here looking to do a little celebrating.

Oh, yeah, well, you come to the right place.

Lord, we got everything you need.

We got snakes and twisters, and poppers and snappers.

And we got anything you want. Just pick your poison.

It's not gonna cut it, mister.

See, we're in the mood for more of a big bang... if you know what I mean.

Big bang.

Now, my friend here... was asking about some of your top-shelf product... your bottle rockets, your cherry bombs, the good stuff.

Oh, no, cherry bombs, no, no.

I don't know what you fellas have heard... but these things are illegal around here, see.

Now, take these sparklers for inst...

We don't want no sparklers, punk!

Okay, all right. I hear ya'.

Um, now look, you fellas didn't hear this from me, okay?

But, uh, you need to find a fella named Rico... down at the Shrimps-n-Such.

Now when you find him, just ask for the "lunch special."

Lunch special.

One more chance on these, fellas.

What happened to "nicely asking the man...

"who's selling the fireworks?"

I just kept thinkin' about coffee cake and got hungry.

I get a little irritable when I'm hungry.

Well... looks like this case just got...

Just drive.

Okay.

(MUSIC PLAYING)

You sure this is Mabel's house?

[VERNON] I never seen so many gingers in one place.

This is gonna be fun!

A little daddy-daughter, con-man kind of thing.

Dad, this isn't us bonding. Keep it simple.

You're my dad, you're a preacher.

You're taking us to a Christian music concert.

In and out, and no chit-chat.

Good afternoon, brother!

I'm Charlotte's dad. I'm a preacher.

Taking the girls to a Christian music concert... no chit-chat.

Nonsense, it's supper time!

Mother just setting the table, come on. You too, girlie.

Come on in!

Mabel will be in shortly.

She's just out composting the cabbage.

Mother?

Hey, y'all!

Martha, this here is Pastor Johnson.

Nice to meet you, ma'am.

I hope you're hungry, Pastor.

The show starts really soon, so I th...

Yeah, you like ham hocks?

I just butchered Kevin out back, he was our prime hog.

We really don't have that much time...

Would you prefer chicken?

I do love chicken now, I...

No, we'll pass on the chicken.

No chicken, Margaret!

Hey, why don't you come out in my "man cave"... we can chat in private?

Come on, son, you're gonna enjoy this.

Sometimes a man's got to get away from the missus... and do what any red-blooded American man... does when he's on his own.

Drink beer and watch por...

Reflect privately and pray.

Oh.

What was that, friend?

Same thing you said, the private prayin' thing.

Come on in... check this out.

This is nice.

(FLIES BUZZING)

Sometimes when I'm out here pumping weights...

I take my shirt off.

You're an animal.

I mean, you take a 27' Fountain Fever with a 540 injected...

That eyesore of a boat is still on my property.

I told you to have them move it like five times.

Deb, we're in the middle of a live broadcast here!

I apologize to all my loyal viewers.

Baby, it's cable access. I'm pretty sure no one's watching.

So what's the hold up?

It's my boat!

Look at this dirt knob rubbing my face in his radical boat... by parking it on my property!

You know, they say possession is nine-tenths of the law.

What is that, fractions?

It's called "eminent domain."

Basically, if that boat sits on your property for six months... to the hour on the final day, it's legally yours.

Is that so?

Look it up, if you don't believe me.

I think we both know I'm not gonna do that!

I told you, babe, I'll get 'em to move it... as soon as I'm done with my show... jeez.

Whoa! Y'all weren't filming that, were you?

(PHONE RINGING)

I told you there was viewers, babe!

Caller, you are "onboard" with your Captain Ronnie!

Caller (over phone): Yeah, hi, Ronnie.

I'm a big fan of the show, doing a great job.

Mm-hm.

Listen, you were talking about the 27' Fountain Fever earlier.

That's right.

I was wondering... if you've got a 540-injected engine on that... how many idiots does it take to host a cable-access show... out of his girlfriend's basement?

Argh! Damn you! Who are you?

I'm coming after you!

Still here, Ronnie. Argh!

Thank you.

I don't even want to know.

Excuse me... we're interested in the "lunch special?"

Follow me.

What happens if someone really wants to hear the lunch special?

Beats me, but check out this guy.

Classic bad-guy booth.

Excuse me, word on the street is you have a "product"... we might be "in the market" for.

I'm afraid I can't help you. I'm just a small-time businessman.

But what you're into sounds dangerous.

I'd be careful if I were you.

What if what we're into is "the lunch special?"

Don't happen to have catfish on the menu, do you?

No idea. I ordered the lobster.

Did you know that lobsters are autotomous?

Meaning they can regenerate body parts, unlike human beings.

Did you know there's a species of crustaceans... called gribbles, that lives on wood... and has actually sunk pirate ships?

Psst... hey!

I told you to follow me. We're going out back.

Why does this always happen?

And please receive Kevin into thy loving arms... as he's sacrificed his life that we might enjoy his savory hocks.

Amen.

Amen.

Amen.

Just follow my lead, so we can get out of here.

So, Pastor Johnson, what led you to do the Lord's work?

Hm.

These biscuits are delicious.

We were delighted to hear that Charlotte had a father... who's also a pastor.

Mm-hm.

And why haven't we heard about you?

Uh, the reason you've never heard about my father... before is because...

We just met. he's been traveling.

And... we just met.

I was traveling... on the road.

Uh, doing missionary work.

Mm-hm, yeah.

Healing, preaching... uh...

Food.

Feeding... feeding.

Yeah, feeding the needy.

Yeah, and boy, I'll tell you, there was some needy ones.

Sometimes they'd come back for seconds... and I'd be like, whoa, that is one needy m...

Anyway, he didn't even know he had a daughter... until a couple weeks ago.

Yeah, when I met her mom, I was on a different path.

A lot of booze, dr*gs, liquor, women... more booze.

I mean, it was a time period in my life... where I made a lot of mistakes.

Well, God forgives, Pastor. We all make mistakes.

Hm.

Anyway, I guess without those wrong turns...

I wouldn't have this little lady here... and that'd be the biggest mistake of all.

Sweetheart, you haven't even tried your Kevin.

He was my friend, Dad... not just some slaughter pig.

All pigs are slaughter pigs, honey.

You want the rest of my Kevin?

I'm okay.

You fellas best be careful where you go sniffing around... you might not like what you smell.

What's going on? Who is that?

A dishwasher and a busboy.

The busboy is holding a dead catfish.

You two don't seem like the fireworks type.

What makes you say that?

Well, he's blind... for one.

You listen here...

I see what I need to see!

Someone you sold fireworks to... made a mess of my church mailbox.

And no one messes with my church mailbox.

So, you can make it right and never see us again... or I'm gonna run your ass clean out of town.

Got it?

Got it?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, we got it.

See ya round, fellas.

Yeah, see you around, fellas.

What happened?

You were supposed to slap him with the catfish.

That was the entire reason we brought it.

He really has been phoning it in lately.

Agh, that took forever.

I hope the band is still on.

All right, I want to make it clear, lying is wrong.

You should never lie.

Unless it's to save someone else's feelings.

Or it helps you get what you want.

Or it just makes things easier for you in one way or another.

Otherwise, it's wrong.

Okay, great life lesson! You can pick us up in a few hours.

Thanks for the ride, Mr... Vernon.

Uh, what are you doing?

I'm coming in to hear the band.

You, uh, really don't have to do that.

Aw, have to? I want to!

Plus, I can help you pass out your little magazine things.

They're called zines, and I just leave them for people to grab.

Holy crap, man, I can't believe you wrote this.

That's a helluva lotta words!

Uh, yeah, well, uh... we gotta pee!

Hey, but nobody's ever gonna read these... if you just leave 'em laying here!

Here, man, check this out. You'll love it.

Read this... it's very cool.

(HUMMING)

Did you get them to move that boat?

Ronnie, if I look out the window, am I gonna see a boat?

Hm? Hm.

Damn it! He's outside now!

[DEBBIE] Will you get over there and tell him to move the boat?

Stan, I want to talk about...

That's right, you tell him!

I saw a squirrel over there! He ran over here!

Under your beautiful boat, which I love... which you keep nice and clean... then he ran to the top of the tree... and then all these nuts started coming down.

He's crushing nuts to the left, crushing nuts to the right.

Crushing all the nuts!

That's really something. Would you like a beer?

I would love to have a beer, Stan!

But I can't have one, now can I?

[RONNIE] Hey!

Watch out.

Hey! Hey, what's up, what's up!

Hey, like, what's up, what's up, what's up?

Dude, why are you so sweaty, man?

What? Oh, because...

Well, you guys left before I was done getting ready... so I just ran down.

Go stand over there... until you're not so gross.

Okay, I'll just... I'll be over here.

You gotta take one of these zines, they're incredible.

Hey! You've got my face on your chest!

Excuse me?

That picture, that's me!

Oh, yeah, I got this at a thrift store, it's retro.

If you want me to sign it, I will.

Oh, God... no, no...

Guys, check it out! It's Burnin' Vernon!

We used to get so baked to your song back in middle school.

Take a picture, will you?

I'm totally winning Instagram with this.

Great sh*t.

Comes with the territory.

Do you know this guy?

Uh...

Uh, no, I was just so excited about these zines.

Thought everybody should read one.

Anyway, I gotta get going, young lady who I don't know.

Here you go, last one left, your lucky day.

Hey, wait up, I know you! You're Burnin' Vernon.

Yep, that's me... the "guy from the nineties"... sang "that one song."

Hey, "that one song" may have been the only one to chart... but your whole album was pretty solid.

Wait a minute, you heard my whole album?

I've heard all your stuff. I'm a fan.

I'm also a bit of the music geek.

I work for Nashville Scene.

No offense, but I thought you were dead.

Seems to be a common misconception.

What's this?

Oh, my daughter wrote it.

Local bands she's listening to, stuff like that.

It's good, too.

So I guess a love of music runs in the family, huh?

I guess it does.

Well, if she is anywhere near as talented as you are...

I'm gonna check it out.

Lotta things being checked out right now, honey.

So, this is my studio... and I thought we could do the photo in here.

Sorry, babe, if you want, I'll march over there... steal the keys and move it myself... in two minutes.

Oh, don't worry, I told him to move the boat.

They acted like they didn't even know what I was talking about.

(ENGINE STARTING)

(HORN HONKING)

Where are you...

My boat!

What did you do to me, woman? My boat! No!

My boat!

Well, look at this. I guess Catfish is a man of his word.

What is it? You know I can't see.

Mailbox has been replaced.

There's a box inside with a note.

Sorry for the inconvenience, enjoy a big bang on me.

Huh?

Are you Charlotte? Did you write this?

Yes, I am. I mean, I did. Both.

You know, it's funny, I never pick these things up... but this one was handed to me.

Oh, God, I'm sorry. I told him nobody ever does that.

Don't worry, my dad embarrasses me, too.

At least yours is kind of charming.

I'm Allison, I work at Nashville Scene.

Oh.

I gotta say... this is really good.

Wow, thanks.

Who are you listening to right now?

Natural Child are great, so is Faux Ferocious.

And right now, Party Break are my current favorite.

Well, I'll look forward to reading about them... in your next zine.

You should send me a copy, if you get a chance.

Thanks.

Hey, I heard you talking about Party Break.

I'm the keyboardist from Party Break, I'm Val!

I got a solo show coming up!

If you're with the Nashville Scene, you should... just go.

Hey, my eyes are up here.

My eyes are down there.

Damn, I was a good-looking sonuvabitch.

One summer when I was a kid, I got holda some bottle rockets.

I'd fire them suckers off all night.

Meemaw said, "Boy, them bottle rockets are dangerous!"

But pride got the better of me and I just wouldn't listen.

And that's how you lost your eyesight.

What? No, uh-uh.

b*rned my thumb bad, though.

You know, Curtis, I think we made a pretty good team today.

It's too bad all this evidence is gone up in smoke.

That's a pretty good one.

Now go on and clean this mess up, convict.

Right.