04x10 - Amends

[bunniefuu]

Marc: All right, so what's happening, Gerry? What am I... What am I doing?

[Muffled] Not eating your pie.

Come on, man. I need help here.

I'm not interested in show business anymore.

It's all I've done for like half my life.

I mean, it's just like the... the spark's not there anymore.

You need to take the focus off yourself.

Yeah, no sh*t, man.

You gonna eat that?

You need to make amends.

Ah, g*dd*mn it.

I knew you were going to say that.

Yep.

So, uh, how many pies do you think you're gonna have to make an amends to, Ger?

♪

So, what's on the agenda today?

You gonna go to stare at strangers in the park?

Maybe, uh, lie in bed and look at the ceiling?

Funny. No, I'm starting my amends.

Oh.

I can't think of anything I would rather do less than apologize to everyone I know.

That's not long enough.

I'm not done yet, man.

You are clearly missing someone very important.

Oh, yeah. You're not getting one.

Okay, see, that's the kind of attitude that'll lead to a relapse.

Mm-hmm.

I'm trying to be helpful.

Uh, you should put down every comedian you met from '85 to '98.

And, uh, all your managers and your agents.

And, uh...

Oh, that mailman. You remember that?

That guy.

And then you made that waitress cry at the Fog and Whistle.

Hey, can you...

Do dead guys... Can you make amends to graves?

Okay.

♪

Jeremy.

Wow. Marc Maron.

Um, I'm newly sober again, and I'm working the steps... again, and, uh, I'm making amends.

[Laughs]

Wow. What a p*ssy.

You're weak.

Dude, you know how much blow I did last night, and here I am, ready for work.

Okay.

You've just got to learn to maintain, man.

Okay, okay. Fine.

[Stammers] Just hear me out, all right?

I-I-I didn't treat you right.

Okay, I-I invaded your space when I came to watch your one-man show and I... and I laughed at it.

Also, uh, I shouldn't have said what I said in your class, you know, when I said, uh, y-you like to tighten women's vaginas so you could have sex with them.

And buttholes.

Yeah. And buttholes.

Yeah.

Don't forget about the butthole.

Yeah.

It's called a yoga doughnut.

Okay.

Well, you know what? I actually have to thank you for outing me, because, uh, I just started my tantric yoga certification.

Oh. Good. Congratulations.

Thank you. Yeah.

I can suck my own d*ck now and everything.

Really?

Mm-hmm.

If you want to check it out, I can send you over a link.

No, dude. I don't... No.

You sure?

Yeah, all right, yeah, send it to me.

Send it to me.

Same number?

Yeah, yeah.

Just curious, yeah.

Jeremy: Yeah, you are.

♪

Hey.

Ooh!

Hi.

Wow. Hi.

Yeah.

Gosh, you scared me there.

Yeah, I-I tri... I tried to get into the building, but security wouldn't let me.

Right. Yeah, I know.

I-I said to security to not let you in, so, you know.

Uh-huh, well, that makes sense.

Yeah.

Well, so, what can I do for you? Yeah?

I-I-I want to make amends.

Oh, yeah, well, you know, I don't need it, so...

No...

No, it's fine.

Just hear me out.

Yeah, it was really... It's... Thank you, though.

Please? Please? Please?

Fine. Yep. Go.

Okay.

Okay, I'm sorry that I let you down with the show.

Right.

Yeah, you worked hard for me and I compromised, you know, the trust you had in me.

Mm.

I'm sorry that I borrowed all that money...

Yes.

...and you were a great manager.

And I just... I didn't hold up my end.

Well, thank you.

Uh, well, I'm British, so... [laughs]

...we... we feel very uncomfortable like this.

I'm just gonna slide by.

Ooh. There we go.

[Chuckles]

♪

[Door opens]

Hey.

Hi.

Did you bring a bodyguard with ya?

Oh, cool, racism.

This is my fiancé, Tom.

Really? Engaged?

Wow. Hey, Tom.

Congratulations. I had no idea.

Uh...

[Jen mimes "Hey, baby"]

Yeah, um, the amends is usually a one-on-one thing.

He's staying.

He knows everything that you did to me.

We don't have any secrets.

It's not like the shitty relationship that you and I had.

Okay.

I'm pregnant.

He put a baby in me.

Wh... Wow.

Well, great. I-I'm happy for ya.

All right, I'm just... I'm just gonna get started.

Um...

I think I'm gonna go get a coffee.

I feel like this is gonna be awhile, so...

You got to help me, man.

What?

How do I get out of this?

I-I don't know.

I mean, I don't... I don't know, man.

I mean, there's a baby involved now.

You're... You're... You're attached for good.

She scares me.

I know.

Here she comes.

Okay.

I'm... I'm just gonna get into it.

So... So, Jen, uh, I-I'm sorry for...

Okay, great. So, you're sorry?

Can we just pretend that that's for everything?

I just realized I don't actually want to look at your face anymore.

Usually it takes a little longer.

Bye, Marc.

[Whispers] What do I do?

I don't know. She seems worse.

She's terrifying. Glad I'm not you.

Tom!

Yep.

♪

sh*t.

Well, there he is, the guy who ruined everything.

You had everything. I used to be so jealous.

I guess the apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

What's he doing here?

Oh, I-I called him and told him to come.

Why would you do that?

Hey, hey, hey. I'm here to help.

Relax.

A storage locker?

Well, that is something, you know?

I thought... I thought it was bad enough living in my RV.

Yeah, yeah. It wasn't that great.

Any of your cult friends come to visit you?

Cult?

You know, your, uh, alcoholic religious cult thing? People.

Oh, AA. AA.

Uh, no, they did not come by.

Oh.

Well, that is something.

I guess, what, are you done with that now?

No, no, actually, I'm not. I'm working a program again.

Okay. So, what's the rate of success?

How many end up living in a storage locker?

[Chuckles] I just want to say this is going really great.

So, uh, what are you doing now with this little program?

Oh, he's, uh... he's making amends.

What? You don't apologize to people.

They'll all think they're better than you.

You'll just upset 'em anyway all over again.

It cleans up the wreckage I caused so I can open up my life and I don't have to avoid people.

All right, fine. sh**t.

What?

Amend me. Lay it on me.

Aren't you the guy that just told me I shouldn't apologize like one minute ago?

You were sitting right there.

Well, then, show me, uh, that amends aren't stupid.

[Sighing] Oh, my God.

All right.

You want to see what an amends is like, drive me around tomorrow.

I had to take the bus today.

You know, I actually made a list of more amends for you to make.

What's the matter with you?

I'm very helpful.

[Paper rustles]

"Kyle." Kyle?

That's that gremlin kid that used to work for you?

Yeah, I texted him.

What'd he say?

[Sighs] I'll read it to you.

Oh, thank you.

He said, "Hey, I got a job acting on an HBO show.

Very busy. Good luck."

Yeah, it's "Silicon Valley."

Mm.

I actually tried to get him on my show, but HBO said no.

We had to rewrite our whole script.

"Lesbians who had your baby"?

What? Wait. W-What the hell is that?

You... You couldn't just put their names, really?

It just wasn't as hot.

You know, I wanted to go with, "Rug munchers I got to put it in," but that's...

Hey, hey, hey. What's going on here?

What... What does that mean?

I'm gonna take a nap, okay?

It's been a long day.

No, no.

Wait, wait, wait. You can't walk out after that.

You're a father?

You had sex with lesbians?

I mean, who does that? I never got to do that.

Okay. I'll talk to you when I get up.

Very tired.

Don't do that.

All right, the first place we have to go i...

Wait, wait, wait. I-I'm not driving you anywhere until you tell me about those lesbians.

Now, a-are you a father?

Who are these lesbians? What was the sex like?

I'm... I'm not a father, all right? I'm a sperm donor, that's it.

What do you mean, that's it? You made a baby.

Yeah, but I have no rights to it.

No, it's not that simple.

I mean, there's a bond. It's DNA.

There's a kid out there who needs his daddy.

That kid's got two mommies. It'll be fine.

You know, fatherhood is a wonderful thing.

You can't just walk away from it.

You did.

What is that, your amends? Because they're terrible.

Just drive the RV.

[Groans]

[Engine starts]

This is a bad omen.

It's Cal...

This rain is a bad omen.

It's California. It'll... It'll pass.

I'm gonna go anyway.

It'll pass in 10 minutes.

Yeah, okay, watch.

Just be careful.

Is that your dad's RV?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. He's driving me around, all right?

Can we just do this, please?

I don't want to. I-I like to keep things superficial.

Honesty makes me uncomfortable.

I have to do this, Andy.

[Bell over door jingles]

What does "have to" mean, really?

Do you have to? I mean, do you want to?

Should you?

Whoa, whoa, whoa. What... What... What...

Don't worry about it.

What are you doing?

I just want to see how it works. Don't... It's fine.

We know each other.

Hi, Eric.

It's Andy.

Okay, all right.

You can stay, but just shut up.

O-Okay.

Andy, look, I'm sorry for, uh... for borrowing all that money.

I'm sorry for insulting your wife.

I-I-I will pay you back when I get the money.

I'd like to talk to your wife p-privately if I could.

Oh, come on. It's no big deal. I wouldn't apologize for that.

It's just something that happens between friends.

I feel bad about this stuff.

That's why I'm making an amends.

You don't get to tell me how to make an amends.

Now, look, everybody borrows money.

Everybody talks about wives and girlfriends.

I'll bet he doesn't even think about it.

You really care?

I don't even want to be here.

You see, huh?

So, let's just have a normal conversation, all right?

How... How have you been?

Well, actually, I just got a gig.

I'm gonna be the sidekick for Seth Meyers.

It's a big deal.

Congratulations.

Thanks.

It's nice to see somebody succeeding and not blowing it.

All right, okay.

That's it.

I'm gonna be in the RV.

Yeah. Okay. Okay.

[Door opens, bell over door jingles]

Seth Meyers? You and Seth Meyers?

Yeah.

Wow.

Who is Seth Meyers?

Hey, Ben, it's Maron.

Ben: Maron.

[Chuckles] Where you been hiding?

Well, I was in rehab.

Hey, can I swing by, man?

I can't toss you any Oxy, considering...

Yeah, yeah, no. I-I know.

I j... I just want to talk, man.

You want to talk?

Yeah, Maron, why don't you swing by? We do need to talk.

Oh.

Okay.

Uh, yeah, well, I'll see you in a bit.

[Cellphone beeps]

sh*t.

Okay, who's next?

Well, it's a little tricky.

He was my drug dealer.

Wait a... You do not apologize to that guy.

He's a criminal.

Look, just stop, all right? It is what it is.

I go to people I have wronged, all right?

Doesn't matter what they do, it's about me.

Yeah, all right, all right. I got it, I got it. Zip it up. All right, I'm done.

All right, the other problem is, my sponsor says I should bring someone with me, 'cause I can't be alone around dr*gs.

It's a slippery situation.

You want one of us to go with you to talk to your drug dealer?

No, thank you, but please tell Ben I said hi.

Okay, fine, fine. I'll do it.

Why? Because I'm your father.

You see, this is what fathers do.

Not sperm donors.

Feel like you guys are talking in code.

♪

Anyway, uh, yeah, I just want to take responsibility for some of the stuff I did.

Um, I broke your turntable, Ben, and, uh, I didn't tell you about it.

I don't give a sh*t about no turntable.

I just want my money.

Yeah, I can't give you the money, 'cause I don't have it.

You're gonna give me the money, Maron.

Maybe we can make a payment plan?

Now!

You don't deserve any money.

You don't even deserve an apology.

You got my son hooked on dr*gs. You're a little criminal.

Hey, shut up, old man.

Your precious boy was hooked on dr*gs before he even came to me.

Liar!

All right, Dad, not helping.

How much money you got, old school?

Okay, okay.

Just let me check.

How much you got?

Jesus Christ.

Oh, God.

Dad.

Easy, easy.

Come on, man. It's just business.

Is it, man?

Let me have your money.

I'd like a refund.

All right, Dad, just...

I can't give you no refund if you haven't made no purchase.

My boy did.

Now, give it to me right now, or I'll drop you right here.

You're making a big mistake, old man.

Let's go.

This is insane. We... We got to run.

♪

Shh.

♪ It always seems to rain ♪
♪ In New York City ♪
♪ Sidewalks have no pity ♪

[Tires squeal]

Stop!

We got to put distance between us and that lunatic.

You're the lunatic! Just stop the car!

[Groans]

Stop.

All right, all right. I think we're all clear.

What the hell is wrong with you?

Eh?

A g*n?

He had a Kn*fe. You're lucky I was packing.

He's 17. His mother let us into the house.

Yeah, well, they're the worst kind.

Oh, my God.

How do you screw everything up?

Yeah, yeah, but now we got money.

No, we don't have money.

Now we got to go back and give the money back...

What? Oh.

...to the 17-year-old kid we stole it from.

You couldn't have made it worse if you tried.

I was just trying to help.

That's usually the problem!

For 50 years, you've been trying to help and it's never worked, not once.

You made your point.

♪

[Doorbell rings]

Hey.

What's up?

I-I got your money.

Okay, well, I can't let you in.

My mom's pissed you came running through the house with a revolver.

Yeah. I'm sorry about my dad, man.

He got excited.

He's insane.

Yeah. Least you got a dad.

Okay. Yeah.

W-What do you want me to do with this?

Just put it in the mailbox.

All right.

So, uh, sorry about the turntable.

And, uh, I stole some Oxy from you once.

That was wrong.

And I appreciate all the Oxy you gave me, kinda.

You know what I mean.

Yeah, okay.

We cool?

No. You should go.

All right.

I really hope you stay sober.

I appreciate that.

All right.

We got one more stop for today.

Oh, now we go see the lesbians, right?

So you give me a signal so I know which one you put the sperm in.

No. No, no, no.

You're gonna stay in the RV 'cause I don't want anyone to get sh*t or for you to talk.

[Sighs]

[Engine starts]

♪

No.

Hang on, hang on, all right?

I'm clean. I'm... I sobered up.

I went to rehab and everything.

Good for you. Why are you here?

I-I just want to make an amends, okay?

Just want to talk, that's it.

Fine.

Okay, is Shay here? Because I'd like to make it to... to both of you.

She doesn't live here anymore. We broke up.

She lives up in Chilton with her mom.

Chilton?

Jesus Christ.

Well, that's too bad. You guys were a great couple.

Oh, bullshit.

Baby thing was a Hail Mary pass.

And you didn't help things by having sex with her behind my back.

Th-That was nothing. That was... wasn't even fun.

That was for you guys.

Sure.

So... So what about the kid?

I haven't seen him.

Him. It's a him.

Yeah, she had him up there, like in a forest, some sort of natural birth.

Oh. Wow. So, like right on the dirt?

I don't know. It's a new fad.

What about bugs and stuff getting up there?

I don't know. It's some crazy sh*t. She's crazy.

So I guess that means you don't have any, uh, pictures or anything, right?

Oh, no, I... [chuckles]

I have pictures. She sends them to me to make me feel bad.

Uh-huh. And do you feel bad?

Yeah. Of course. I mean, I miss her. I just couldn't handle her.

Wow, look at this kid.

He looks like me.

That's weird. I wasn't expecting that, but, I mean, it makes sense.

Oh, look at that guy.

I'm gonna text this to myself, is that okay?

No.

Okay. Send.

[Cellphone chimes]

Okay.

So, do I need to be worried about Shay raising that kid?

Yeah.

sh*t.

Oh, yeah.

Uh, I'm sorry for breaking that stuff in your bathroom and having sex with your girlfriend.

But she didn't cum or anything, okay?

It was really sort of a deposit situation.

It was kind of like me masturbating into a person.

Okay, so, we good?

No.

We are not good.

♪

How'd it go? Did you see the kid?

No. Kid's not there.

No?

They... They broke up and the other one took the kid and moved upstate.

Oh.

You dodged a b*llet.

Ah, that's a screwy situation. Yeah, trust me.

Just check in with me in a few years, you'll see what I mean.

What... What about all that "being a father" stuff you were talking about earlier?

Look at us.

There's no guarantee.

Yeah.

Hey, look, you know...

I know you did the best you could, and you still are.

And if I did anything to make you feel differently, I'm sorry.

And, you know, I-I said a lot of things I shouldn't have.

Oh, I...

You know, I-I'm sorry.

Oh, oh, Okay. Oh, okay.

Look at that.

[Sighs]

Here.

What's this?

No, just take 'em. Go.

I'm just a donor.

No such thing.

Go ahead. You know what you want to do.

Mm.

What are you gonna do?

Don't worry about me.

I can take care of myself.

All right.

Well... thanks.

Yeah.

I love you, Dad.

Thank you.

I-I do... I do, too. I do, too.

[Engine starts]

♪
♪ 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8 ♪
♪ There's no s... ♪