02x01 - Career Goals

[bunniefuu]

man: Sound, speed?

Okay, Chelsea will be here any minute, I promise.

It's gonna be really embarrassing when we see her and she doesn't know who we are.

Hey! Oh, my God, Chelsea!

How are you?

Hi.

Hi. What is this?

Oh, don't, don't worry about it. Don't worry about it.

I saw your show and I love it.

Thank you!

It's so good.

Thanks.

I would love to be on a show like that.

You could also... I would love for you to be on our show.

You guys have...

'Cause we have a show.

Oh!

It's like, sort of like your show.

We were like, oh, our show was on first, right?

Oh, yeah, we were.

Your show was on before my show?

Is that right?

Yeah, yeah.

That's funny, 'cause I had a show for seven years.

Oh, different show, though.

I just meant we're both doing the same thing, you know.

Just three blond comedians.

No, we're not.

Is this what's happening right now?

Am I being filmed?

No.

These aren't even working.

You are being filmed. You are being filmed.

I don't want to have, like, drama with Chelsea.

We would love for you to be on our show.

I... I... No.

Is that a...

Just... just a no?

Is that like when no really means yes?

Yeah, I'm sorry.

What's the conflict?

You.

♪♪

I'm gonna go.

I need your number.

Chelsea? I...

God, you were, like, so aggressive with Chelsea Handler.

I-I just panicked.

Why'd you panic?!

Now I'm never gonna be on her show.

(bleep) you guys.

Season two.

Well, first of all, let's just deal with the obvious.

Sara's new boobs.

(film crew clapping)

Thank you.

Oh, God, Season Two.

I gotta be honest, I was... a little negative about doing a reality show, but really, I'm just now a full-fledged celebrity.

man: How was the experience for Season One for you?

Here's the thing. I really do know now that I want a career as a writer.

No one seems to be taking me seriously now that I did a reality show.

I'm not getting the kind of opportunities I'd like to get.

Weren't you offered, like, "Celebrity Rehab?"

Yeah, that's not a job, though.

That's, um, just like a criticism of my life choices.

♪♪

Naomi, what's up?

Erin. How's it going?

Good.

Good to see you.

Good to see you, too.

Okay.

Okay, so...

I'm just, like, so ready for the cameras to stop, you know, being the writer that I am.

(clears throat) Okay, well, if you want to be seen as a writer instead of as a reality star...

Yes.

You need to get a writing job.

Okay. That's great.

That's what I want to be doing anyway.

So how do I do that?

Jessica Alba.

She's got a new show coming out on Hulu and she's looking at staff.

That's amazing.

Oh, my God, you're really good at your job. Jeez.

I've, like, never had a manager who's, like, done anything.

What do I do to get on that show?

Well, I'll set you up with a lunch meeting.

You're gonna wow her.

Okay.

You're gonna show her your voice and what you can bring to a writer's room.

My voice is, like, loud, funny, relateable, L.A., single, urban I'd probably say.

Absolutely not.

Oh.

Absolutely not. I would definitely not say you are urban.

You are the opposite of urban.

Suburban. Are you sure?

Very, very sure.

My friends, all of them, like "You're really urban."

Are your friends white?

Yeah.

There you have it.

She is the height of class.

You can't mess this up.

She's a writer is the truth.

I mean, look at this face. She's a writer.

Thank you for that. That was sweet.

She really believes in me.

She's very supportive.

But for me, it's not enough to just be a movie star anymore.

You know, you have to be more.

So, I'm about to unveil my lifestyle brand, and everyone is really going to benefit from my brand I am bringing to the universe.

Your boobs are just, like, falling out.

It's almost like the dress is being worn backwards.

Is it backwards?

♪♪

(chuckles)

What are you doing?

You look like the beginning of, like, a really bad p*rn.

Okay, hold on.

Which one is, like more believable?

Gentlemen, this meeting, it is adjourned.

Nope. It's like this. It's like...

Gentlemen, take your balls out.

So, can you explain to me why you're dressed like this?

Well, I am about to become a huge mogul.

My brand, it is all about casual elegance and effortless vitality.

Doesn't it just like sound so...

Fake.

Successful.

I always thought you'd be the kind of brand that sort of celebrates, like, the lifestyle of, like marrying rich and then just sort of, like, living off that guy's money, not doing anything.

What up, ladies?

Hi!

What's up?

Your manager's here.

I'm gonna let you guys do your fake business.

Great.

And I'll get out of your hair.

Hi, Erin. How you doing? Good to see you.

I brought back that Pyrex that you loaned me.

This is a contract.

You, my dear, now own your own energy drink.

Yeah!

Congratulations!

Thank you.

It's called Scoot.

Why is it called Scoot?

It's called Scoot 'cause we're on the go, but it's...

No, no, we're changing the name.

Exactly!

We're gonna change the name.

Scoot, Scoot!

I see it.

Not only does she own an energy drink, she's sh**ting a commercial for it.

Boo-ya!

Okay. I'm gonna go to my lunch with Jessica Alba, my new best friend, my new co-worker, my new boss.

Wait, you're having lunch with Jessica Alba?

Yep.

Are you gonna wear that?

Is that what you're gonna wear?

I'm gonna wear this. What do you think?

She would be amazing.

Who? Jessica Alba?

Hello!

I mean, this is...

This is who I'm, like, modelling myself after.

Erin, we wanna go to lunch with you.

Um, no, I don't think it's the best idea.

I think that, like, if I were to think about it, I'd probably say no, like, every time you ask.

What?

And I certainly wouldn't tell you where we're going.

Okay, well, have fun, 'cause she is very particular.

Just don't be yourself.

Erin: Thank you so much for meeting me.

Jessica: Yeah, sure.

As a writer, I always think it's important to, like, write comedy that is super relateable, and you know, like, has jokes but it's not hitting the jokes so hard.

Do you come here a lot?

Is this one of those places, like, the cool place to go to lunch or something?

'Cause it's kinda dark.

I guess so, yeah.

Like, where do you go these days?

What's, like, the hotspot?

Well, I mean, for me, I really focus on, like, in the writer's room, what kind of fun stories...

No, I mean, like, where do you go, like, if you wanna go boozing?

Right.

Or if you wanna, like, have a GNO.

Girls Night Out.

Girls Night Out.

Like, what do you do?

Well, I mean, listen...

I'm, like, locked in my (bleep) office...

Yeah.

Or I'm at home...

Yeah.

And I'm mom and I'm wife, and I'm, like... just so much (bleep) pressure.

Yeah.

And I just wanna, like, hang out.

Let's go out the back.

Here's the thing, guys.

Am I a really good time?

(whispering) Yeah, I am. Eh!

I'm aware of it. (hisses)

Most people know that about you.

But it's, like, time to clean up my act.

Lock it up.

Yeah, time to lock it up.

I'm trying to less think about, like, which crew guy I'm gonna (bleep) and think more, like...

I need to work.

So, what are we doing?

I just really need, like, a drink and some chill time.

Totally.

We should just probably pay the bill and then we can go.

(bleep) the bill. Come on, let's go.

Okay. Okay.

Are you ready for your first commercial as the boss?

Be amazing, right?

Hello.

Hey, how's it going?

I'm Grant, the brand ambassador.

Oh, perfect.

How you doing?

Good. Yes, I'm happy, uh, to see you.

Um, so where are we gonna be sh**ting?

Uh, right here.

Yeah, right here. Easy.

Mm-hmm. That's the minivan that you're gonna be driving.

Okay, cool, cool.

No.

That's not what we were thinking.

I was thinking a waterfall, me, you know, naked.

I mean, not full frontal but...

I mean, we could always do that as an option.

You know this is a commercial for Scoot energy drink.

Right.

Moms on the go. Scoot.

It's a great point. It's a great point.

I'm gonna change the name.

Yeah.

Scoot is corny. It's gotta go.

My name that I came up with.

It's a great name.

So it's not corny.

Okay. What?

With all due respect, you know I purchased the company.

Yep.

So we're doing a little overhaul.

No, you purchased 34% of the company, which leaves 66% for other people, not you.

That's something you should have probably told her.

My hands are so dry, do you have any lotion?

No, I don't have any lotion, Utkarsh!

Do I own this (bleep) company or not?

You own 34%, yes, you do, and it looks good on you.

Okay, so we're going with Scoot, right?

Moms on the go, energy drink.

Costco, burping babies, minivans.

I am not posing in front of that thing.

I'm not driving it, I'm not standing near it, I'm not endorsing it, I'm not... This is...

This is what we're doing. This is what you signed up for.

Yeah, I'm not doing this.

Scoot commercial, take one.

director: Action.

Scoot.

Get off that tush. (clicks tongue)

director: A little more mom-like, please.

Scoot.

Get off your tush.

Scoot.

Get off that tush.

I don't see the button to do the door.

director: It's manual.

Scoot.

Get off that tush.

director: We need to see the logo on the can!

Scoot.

Get off your tush.

director: Cut.

Down the hatch.

Okay.

Mm. Oh, my God.

Okay, so...

How long would you think the writer's room would go?

What are you talking about?

The Hulu show.

I don't know. I can't... I can't even...

You can't, right. I mean, literally.

Whoo. Ah.

That was, like, a little sweeter.

Ooh!

(laughs)

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Lunch meetings are a little tricky 'cause you're being social.

But you have to remember that there's this job opportunity looming over you.

I'm very excited to have a job where I work.

Wait, so you're gonna have two jobs.

No, this is not a job.

This is a reality show.

It's a job.

It's just 30 (bleep) dudes being around me, you know, all day long.

That's rude.

Maybe you shouldn't have slept with a few of them.

Two is not a few. A few is three or more.

Oh, my God.

I am a (bleep) good time!

Everyone thinks that I'm, like, Suzy (bleep) Homemaker.

Yep. I'm not.

I'm so fun.

Yeah.

And I just wanna, like, drink another sh*t.

Oh, my God.

Tequila!

Whoa!

Where are the dudes? I'm single.

What did you do? You're such a liar!

You're drinking this! You're drinking this!

You're such a (bleep) liar.

I didn't think you'd do that.

Okay. I'm drinking it.

(laughs) Mm.

Mm.

We're gonna (bleep).

(glass shatters)

We're gonna (bleep) up...

(bottle shatters)

(glasses shatter)

Yeah!

Let's go.

Okay.

♪ They see me rollin' ♪
♪ They hatin' ♪
♪ Patrolling, they tryin' to catch me ridin' dirty ♪

(spits)

Oh!

♪ Tryin' to catch me ridin' dirty ♪
♪ Tryin' to catch me ridin' dirty ♪
♪ Tryin' to catch me ridin' dirty ♪
♪ They see me rollin' ♪
♪ They hatin' ♪
♪ Rollin' ♪
♪ Patrolling, they tryin' to catch me ridin' dirty ♪
♪ Tryin' to catch me ridin' dirty ♪
♪ Tryin' to catch me ridin' dirty ♪
♪ Tryin' to catch me ridin' dirty ♪
♪ Tryin' to catch me ridin' dirty ♪

It's the same thing so many times.

Oh! (laughing)

(shouting)

♪ Tryin' to catch me ridin' dirty ♪
♪ Tryin' to catch me ridin' dirty ♪

Aah!

Sara, have you seen Erin?

Do you even know what I'm dealing with right now?

Your sister has not answered her phone in 24 hours.

And she's with Jessica Alba!

I have the worst life.

I literally have the worst life!

I have a launch party for my new brand today, and I have a drink called Scoot.

A drink for moms on the go.

They had me posing in front of a minivan.

I didn't even know they made minivans anymore.

Can we get back to the fact that your sister is missing?!

I owned 34% of a company that I thought I owned 100% of.

You do the math.

That means I don't own the whole company.

Okay, so just buy more of the company.

Don't you have some 90210 money leftover?

Oh, my God.

Naomi, you are a genius.

Naomi, thank you.

(sighs) You're welcome.

Why are you managing that loser?

You should be managing me.

Oh, no, I'm good.

(Jessica and Erin hiccup)

It feels right.

It feels so right.

We're like two peas in a pod.

We're obviously best friends. I mean, that's obvious.

We should go to Mexico.

Yes.

(coughing, retching)

Are you barfing? Oh, my God.

No, I'm good. I'm good. Oh, my God, Let's go.

Oh. Sometimes you just gotta get it out, before you start again.

Let's go.

Okay.

You want to go to Mexico?

Uber!

(people chatting)

Abbey, can you stop drinking all my samples?

They're so good!

I understand, but they're for the guests.

Personal space, Abbey.

Okay.

Jeez, she's just...

I feel so official.

And you should!

Like I am officially an actress slash...

Mogul!

Mogul.

You are the majority owner of your own energy drink.

Congrat-a-malations.

Okay, thank God, but the name is 100% changed, correct?

Oh, yes.

Because I could not say "Scoot, get off your tush."

Scoot is "kapoot."

Yeah.

Yeah.

Now the name is as you wanted it to be.

Voyage.

Voyage.

Yes, I love it.

Just like you want to take a trip into me.

I'm not sure how to respond to that.

How did you get it changed so fast?

You know, they were just so willing to give it up to me.

I think it was, like partly your brand.

For me, yeah.

And, uh, my Chung, you know?

We're a great team.

And we are in business.

Sara, Jessica Alba's here!

Oh!

Sara: Abbey, get out of the pool!

Utkarsh: Come on, Abbey!

Erin: So, question.

Do you know where my passport is?

Yes, your passport is in the kitchen, Okay, I'm not...

Why do you look like that?

I don't know.

Jessica!

How are you?

Hey!

I'm hungover.

It's amazing having you at this thing.

Oh, yes. Would you just mind holding...

Yeah, I'll hold it in front of her face.

... that drink and take a sip.

Oh, my God.

Ah!

Oh, that smells like... vomit.

What the (bleep) is that?

Voyage. It's our energy drink.

Is that, like, the final product?

This is just one of my, you know, thousands of products that I will be launching.

Yes, my energy drink.

What's inside of it?

Um...

If you really want to know, uh, that's our list of ingredients.

As you can see, all the dopeness.

Premarin?

Mm-hmm.

Why do you have Premarin in there?

Because we want...

Premarin is for, um, like, hot flashes.

Like, women who are going through menopause.

What are you talking about?

Oh, I don't think so.

Mm-hmm. And it's sourced from horse, like, horse...

It's horse piss.

It's what?

It's horse piss.

Premarin is not horse piss.

Like, like pee?

How would you even know that?

My mom had cervical cancer and she was on Premarin.

Oh, okay.

And they gave it to her.

All right, enough about you, Jessica.

Is there horse piss in my drink?

(yawning)

It says right here that Premarin...

Look, it's "isolated from the urine of pregnant mares."

It's horse piss.

Great.

We're gonna need to remove the horse piss.

We can, we can, it's just... Right.

So it's a good thing I only bought a few of the cases.

Uh, we got 75,000 cases.

Sorry, what?

Of, uh, Voyage, of your, your new drink.

We got 75,000 cases of it, so...

You can sell it to, like, doctors that help people who are going through menopause.

Be the face of... The horse piss.

Or-or menopause.

Definitely not the face of menopause.

I'd rather be the face of horse piss than menopause.

Wouldn't we all?

Just stop saying "menopause."

Yeah.

All right, we gotta go. I got my passport. Let's do it.

All right. I'm not staying, We're going to Mexico.

What?

You're going to Mexico, Erin?

Gonna go margarita tasting through the country...

Erin, I just found out there's horse piss in my drink.

Whoa, you should tell people about that.

Erin, Erin, listen, you don't want to do that to your family.

You're my sister.

Mm-hmm.

Think about that.

Family's important.

Oh, okay, just though about it.

I'm gonna see you in Mexico.

I'll Facebook you, though.

Viva la Mexico.

Peace. Oh, I touched a boob, sorry.

Is she leaving?

I-I'm pretty sure that's what she meant by saying "I'm leaving."

Ugh.

Okay, so, do you have, like, a jet that we're taking to Mexico?

Like, how do we get there?

It's like, full service, right?

You know what? I don't... I don't know.

About what?

You.

What?

You're like... kind of a bad person.

I'm a bad person?

You can't just, like, bail on your sister.

That's your boundary?!

Yeah, I mean, that's, like, family.

I just don't surround myself with people like you.

My friends are, like, my writer guys, you know?

Yeah, yeah.

And that's not you.

I'm trying to ride and dine with you.

I miss my kids.

What? Hold on. Hold on, Jessica.

You can't... Wait, hold on.

This is...

How do I get out of here?

No, no, no, wait a second, no.

Peace.

Jessica.

You've got to be kidding me.

Oh, okay.

Okay, that's not even real, right? That's...

I don't even...

Hey, what's up?

Okay.

I knew you would come back.

Dude. That was crazy.

Dude, look at me. Yeah.

I'm there with you.

I know.

I just wouldn't.

But for a second, I though you were actually gonna... go with Jessica Alba.

Uugh! Barf. No.

Dude, you're, like, the worst, but at the same time, you're, like, the only sister I have, really, that's like...

I mean, we have other sisters, but you know what I mean.

But you're my only, like...

Pretty one.

Jessica, I think, was a little jealous.

I think it was a little intimidating for her being at another...

Yeah.

You know, launch thing.

Totally.

Hey, Sara.

Yeah.

Oh. I can't even taste the horse piss.

I'm proud of you. I'm proud of us.

Go sisters!

You don't look like you could be related to us.

All of us together again.

Huge height difference.

Can you go shower, please?

Yeah.

Good party.

You know, um, they say that the best job is the one you already have.

(laughs)

So I'm gonna lean into that.

Smart.

You think that you have what it takes to be a business mogul?

I mean, I have the looks.

You think that's all it takes?

Yeah, what else would you need?

I mean, like, an astronaut's degree?

Totally.

If you would get on board and not be so focused on "writer", you know, you'd be on my train.

Train has left the station as far as I'm concerned.

Right, well, you can go back to the station and get on the new train.

Have you ever been on a train?

No. That would be gross.

Is that rude?

To trains?

Yeah.

I don't think any trains are listening.

♪♪

I love the show.

Thank you.

Yeah, one my third or fourth favorite reality show.

Our characters have such great chemistry, right?

A close-up, in a movie.

And life is getting a lot better now that you're dating Zach Braff.

What wine? Red, white?

I'm not gonna drink today.

But you always drink so much.

It's not enough to be a movie star anymore.

I have been really looking at a bunch of different squads, ad this is the squad that I want to be a part of.

Like, time to clean up my act.

So... Whoa! Look at this! Look at this!

Drew Barrymore, part two.

I am a huge "Dancing With The Stars" fan.

Are you serious? I got fired from that show, like, two years ago.

Oh.

Joey?

Hey, Erin.

You know Joey Fatone?

Bye, bye, bye.

Before you go, though, I would love to do a selfie.

There a Cocker that might be mine.

Oh, great to see you.

How do you think you would feel is she showed everybody your naked body?

I actually wouldn't be bothered about that 'cause I have a great body.

They say when you have family, you have it all.

I don't buy that.

That's definitely not true.

Oh, God.