01x05 - Episode Five

[bunniefuu]

Well, what a brilliant array of candidates we have for the leadership.

So, who will you be supporting, Tony?

Well, uh, Boris would be the most accomplished leader.

As would Theresa May, of course - those fantastic shoes.

Steve Crabb - working-class, how lovely.

And from Liverpool.

Andrea Leadsom's brilliant. Nicky Morgan's superb.

Then there's Jeremy Hunt, who is...um...

He's also there.

Well, thank you, Tony, for clearing that up.

Oh, Oliver, that anonymous Tory source saying that there should be a special place in hell for Boris, that wasn't you? No.

But you could easily narrow it down to 10 or 15,000 people.

Because we are still the Unity Unit.

Well, look on the bright side - we could be the Labour Unity Unit.

(He chortles)

The final question in this round of famous Scotsmen - which Scotsman founded the Labour Party?

Um, yeah - isn't it Tony Blair?

Tony Blair didn't found the Labour Party.

How old do you think the Labour Party is?

Pretty old, like...

25 years?

The answer... Shh, shh, shh!

(It's Keir Hardie.)

Ladies and gentlemen, we're going to take a short break for you to fill your glasses and empty your bladders.

Aw, this is great, isn't it?

Us back together, the three Brexiteers.

Aw...thanks for turning out.

Yeah, pleasure.

Oh, it's been the best week of my entire life.

All the people I loathe have been forced to step down.

All I need to cap it now would be for Jean-Claude Juncker to be filmed buggering the Archbishop of Canterbury and Richard Branson live on Chris Evans' last-ever edition of Top Gear.

I felt quite sorry for Cameron.

I'm going to pretend you didn't say that.

So, who do you think will get the Tory leadership?

Do you know anything about this Stephen Crabb bloke?

Man's an idiot.

How do you know that?

Gerry, any man who wants to be Prime Minister at the moment is an idiot.

Hello, Mr President.

On behalf of President Putin, may I convey our congratulations to the footballers of Iceland?

You played them off the park.

Yes, I know it was only England.

You are right, they are no Austria.

Still, your manager did a great job.

No, no, we still can't find ours.

OK. Goodbye.

Oh, and the President says "Hi" to Bjork.

(Alarm bleeps)

No, the President was very particular - he wants you to walk the dog, now.

It's just not a very good use of my time.

So, you're saying you bet money on the English football team to win.

I know it sounds really stupid when it's said out loud, but...

Did you watch it? Mm.

The England players...

Do they practise?

Yes, they practise.

Lots? Yes!

Do they practise getting it in the goal?

Yes, they practise getting it in the goal.

I think it was bad luck it was that blond one's turn to be in goal.

No, he IS a goalie. It was sad.

Did you see that old one in charge?

Roy Hodgson?

Did you see his resignation?

Throughout the tournament, yes.

They're saying the new manager might be Glenn Hoddle, for a second time.

God, he must have done something really horrendous in a previous life to deserve that.

So, what's with the case, Rubes?

I've got to meet up with Daddy and sign some papers at our place in Southwold.

Apparently, I own this company in Panama.

Southwold, eh? Have you got some massive second home?

Actually, our second home is quite small. Ah...

Our third and fourth homes are enormous, though.

Right.

So, who's Daddy backing for the leadership?

Of what?

The Conservative Party.

Oh, I've no idea.

Mrs Gove asked the same question.

What? When did you see her?

Last night, when they came to dinner at Daddy's.

So, is Gove going to stand?

Or was he lobbying for Boris as Tory leader? I... Ruby?

Um...oh...

The Tories and the Conservatives, they're the same thing, right?

So, who do you think will be the best leader right now?

Right now? Caligula.

Michael? No, he's got leader written all over him.

I mean, he'll know how to sort out the crisis as he...

W-Well...he caused it, so...

So, what other celebrities are endorsing Mr Tr*mp?

Cheney.

Kid Rock.

Hulk Hogan.

Tila Tequila.

Yeah, anyone with a real name?

A Baldwin? Which one?

Stephen - oh, Jesus.

What I really need is a non-white female celebrity, ideally with a brain.

OK, bye.

Has Mr Tr*mp said anything about coming in here and seeing me dancing?

Not to me, Brad.

How do you feel, Lauren?

Pissed.

It's hopeless. I give up.

"Defeatism is the Devil's lullaby".

That's what my grandma always used to tell me every time we visited her in prison.

Hey, troopers!

How are we doing today?

I'm good.

Uh...is there something we can do for you, Bea? No, no.

I just thought I'd maybe, sorta, hang out on this end of the plane for a while.

He's in a bit of a mood.

The electrical storm's made his hair go all weird - sort of, like, candyfloss.

So the hair team have gone into Code Red.

Then the pilot wouldn't let him fly the plane.

Fly the plane?

Yeah - some idiot showed him Top g*n.

Jesus, I'm so tired.

Listen, you're ITV, respected British broadcaster.

You have a responsibility to respect the facts.

And the simple fact is there are no meerkats in Russia.

Yes, the meerkat is not a Russian mammal.

And yet, every night, you carry commercials which suggest this.

And you represent Russian-speaking people as not clever people, who say things like "simples", which is grammatically incorrect.

No, this is not a prank call.

I am ringing from the Kremlin and I will...

Probably just as well. What?

Alexi, if it ever got out that someone in President Putin's office had protested about puppets in a commercial, we would be a laughing stock.

But it is our job to interpret the wishes of our leader and he told me he does not like these talking meerkats.

Alexi, do you think perhaps you're getting a little carried away, hm?

You do not need to use a sledgehammer to cr*ck a nut.

I think you do, because then everyone knows you have a sledgehammer.

Is that something you heard the President say?

No, I thought of it myself.

Very pithy.

Come on, girl, let's take you back in to see Daddy. Come on.

Pithy...

All this chaos is lovely, innit?

Well... What?

I don't know that I like this atmosphere of aggression and division.

Did you see those cyclists giving Boris the finger?

Now that was appalling. Yeah.

I mean, what is wrong with the traditional British two fingers?

It's Americanisation gone mad.

Also, this is really hard to do when you've got arthritis.

(He laughs)

You're in a particularly sunny mood, Spencer.

And why shouldn't I be?

Next week, I'm going to marry the finest woman on God's earth.

Same again? Yeah. Lovely.

Cheers, Spencer.

Yeah, we have to tell him.

No. We don't.

His bride-to-be is shagging someone else.

We do not know that for a fact.

Gerry!

Her tongue was so far down the man's throat, it was coming out of his arse.

Is that an expression or did you come up with it yourself?

Secrets are toxic, Gerry.

You're young and you think...

The truth heals.

Look, trust me, the truth does not always heal.

(Phone buzzes)

Hi, sis.

Yeah.

Yeah, I got your latest ideas on Dad's funeral arrangements, yeah.

You've what?

You've contacted a soloist.

And what did Placido Domingo say?

Just a lot of shouting - right.

I've done what I was asked, but it's not a great list.

Hey, don't b*at up on yourself.

You got Mike Tyson on there.

He was a winner.

Yeah, on the upside, African-American.

On the downside, known for b*ating up women and biting off ears.

Whoa!

Oh...I do have a small fear of flying.

You have a fear of flying and you've spent the last six months on a plane?

Yeah - but I'd spend my whole life flying to be with Mr Tr*mp.

I would be a bird.

Like an albatross, or a puffin.

They're like flying clowns.

(Rumbling and chiming)

Ladies and gentlemen, please fasten your seatbelts as we have a couple of twisters, small twisters, reported in the vicinity.

Thank you.

(Rumbling)

Whoo! It's like riding a rodeo bull.

If this was Crooked Hillary's plane, she'd be all like, "Oh, global warming causes, boo-hoo!"

But this is The Donald's plane, so it's, "Call this a storm?

"Wait till Donald's the f*cking President!"

Uh, Bea...?

After round four and in equal first place, it's Quizy McQuizface and the Three Brexiteers.

Someone will be around shortly to collect your answers for round five.

Ooh, it looks like Boris might be coming out for free movement.

Does all this backsliding worry you?

No, I knew this would happen.

I always knew the establishment elite would sell us out.

Boris, Gove, Ian Duncan Syndrome, Farage... Farage?

He's a committed anti-European.

Don't be naive, Gerry.

That's just his cover.

No, he's a lifelong...

He's a Johnny come lately.

He has campaigned against Europe for 17 years.

Yeah, well, where was he in 1972 when we were dumping cow sh*t on Ted Heath's doorstep?

The man's a fraud.

Spencer, I think there's something that you need to know.

Is it that my glass is empty?

Your shout, I believe, Gerry.

OK. I think you need to know that...

I think we got the last question wrong. What, number ten? Yeah.

I think I got my Kardashians confused. Oh, OK.

So now you're telling me...

I am telling you that the answer was Kim Kardashian and that your fiancee is shagging someone else.

So I won't be taking sides in the contest.

As leader of the Unity Unit, I have to be above suspicion, like Caesar's wife.

Jamie Oliver has said he'll leave the country if Boris Johnson becomes Prime Minister.

That's Boris's election slogan sorted out. Anything else?

Erm...Cameron's told Corbyn, "For heaven's sake, mango."

Oh, "Man, go."

You know how Tony's always describing himself as Caesar's wife?

Yes. So he's in a gay marriage.

No, it's an expression.

Jesus.

So he's straight.

What on earth are you asking me for?

Whatever makes you think I have any idea of his sexual preferences?

Still, I'm glad he's not in a gay marriage, cos I was feeling sorry for poor old Caesar.

Why? You know, Tony's reputation, all those nicknames he has.

What nicknames?

Casanova. Horn dog. d*ck man.

Right.

Boner Tony. Screw fit.

Thank you. Tony Pants-Downey.

That doesn't really rhyme, unless you said Tony Pants-DOH-ney.

Or Towny.

Stop now, Ruby.

There you go.

You told him, then. He's just taking a minute to process it.

Spencer...

We owed him the truth, Gerry.

Are you all right?

Oh, yeah, yeah. Oh, fine.

You deserved the truth.

Right. Thanks. Maybe you should go and have a little chat with...

No need. No need?

No, no, I'm cool about it.

But the man she's...

Yeah, I know all about him.

She told me about him.

We don't have any secrets.

A very open, very modern relationship. Oh, yes.

You see, me and her, we're just like a pair of mavericks.

That's why we're so perfect for each other.

Are you sure you're OK?

Gerry, I'm fine.

Let's talk about something else.

Did you see the England game?

Sorry.

A bit of a shock.

No, I knew that would happen. Why?

Because it always does.

Every time, the same thing.

We spend two years dominating some qualifying group that consists of Scotland, Ruritania, Narnia and Baffin Island, but once we get to the actual tournament, we lose the moment we come up against... Well, footballers.

Yeah, but Iceland did play well.

Oh, I see Gareth Southgate is in the frame to take over.

Yeah, I know. He's a moron.

Why do you say that?

Anybody who wants the England job is a moron. No, fair point.

Ed Miliband said if he was in Corbyn's position, he'd go.

Well, he was.

And he didn't.

Did I see Mr Tr*mp's daughter up front?

Ivanka sure is a tough cookie.

She's great. We get along just fine.

Oh, I love Mr Tr*mp's tweet.

"Yet another t*rror1st att*ck, this time in Turkey.

"Will the world ever realise what is going on?"

That man is so insightful.

So now Manafort's in charge, is there a new strategy? Sure there is.

There's a fantastic strategy.

Cos we've got to close this gap.

I mean, 7.5%? Donald just needs to double down with immigration.

No more Mr Nice Guy.

The anti-immigrant card plays well with everyone - Italian Americans, Irish Americans, Polish Americans, African Americans, Native Americans.

Yeah.

Those Red Indians hated immigration.

We don't call them that, Brett.

Oh, Mr Tr*mp does, I heard him.

Quiet, Brett.

All these British politicians -

Fox, Crabb, Eagle, Sturgeon - it sounds like a Ukrainian Christmas dinner.

Boris Johnson is still favourite to be Prime Minister.

(He laughs)

Our security services are already talking about a honey trap.

What is trap? Any woman under 80.

Do you think this story about Jeremy Corbyn is significant?

Think about what you just said.

But so long as he's leader, shouldn't we at least bug his office? Why?

You saw the photo call, he just blurts his secrets into the nearest microphone.

I was talking to some of the other anti-Brexit demonstrators last night and we were all in tears, and the youth of this country are furious.

Not furious enough to stop photographing their food and walk 200 f*cking yards down the road to the polling station.

I've signed the petition to get a second referendum. Anyone else?

I haven't. No, you have.

So Cameron, Brown and Miliband have told Corbyn to go, oh, and the Parliamentary Labour Party.

Do you think he's dead and no-one's noticed?

I think what this country needs is a great, big group hug.

Well, I was racially abused this morning. First time in years.

That's awful. I tried to explain to him that I'd campaigned for Brexit.

I took him through the logical arguments, I explained all the complexities of the Schengen Agreement, and then I maced him.

D-did you? Mm-hmm.

Oh... W-well done. This slight irritability is just a blip.

I think David's right.

We can negotiate a positive outcome with our mates at the EU.

What, from our incredibly strong position?

Cameron is a man playing strip poker who hasn't realised that he's stark-bollock naked.

Well, there are lots of models we could go for.

Personally, I'm in favour of Norway plus.

You know what we'll end up with -

Zimbabwe minus.

Oh, please.

Now Mr Tr*mp is saying he wants to ban people who have bad thoughts.

Huh? Really? They can't tell if you have bad thoughts, right?

I mean, if people have bad thoughts, that's their own business, you know, cos maybe they're trying to fight those bad thoughts and they just bubble up and they can't stop them, even when they try real hard.

They don't have a machine that can tell if you're having bad thoughts, do they?

Mr Tr*mp doesn't have one of those machines.

They can't tell if you're having bad thoughts, right?

Not unless you put them on Twitter, Brett.

Let's take a spin through this list and see if we can find someone for Saturday's rally.

Oh, Azealia Banks.

She's African American and a woman, and she supports Donald.

She is, though she did go on social media saying Sara Palin should be g*ng r*ped.

Note to self, don't have them on the same platform.

She said, "Let's find the biggest, blackest N-words and let them run a train on her."

OK. Again, advocating g*ng r*pe can be off-putting to women voters.

There is, of course, Sarah Palin herself. Yeah, there is.

Tila Tequila, the reality star, big fan of Mr Tr*mp.

Latina, female, got a big Twitter following.

Yeah, though she is a n*zi supporter who believes the world is flat.

No, she does believe the world is flat.

So we're down to Sarah Palin or her.

Looks like it.

Maybe just run a check on Tila's availability.

Of course, we can bury any unfortunate news when the Chilcot report dominates the news cycle.

I'm surprised it's taken them so long to bring it out.

I think they were just waiting for Tony Blair to die.

Well, aren't we all?

He was the consummate politician of his generation.

Say what you like about him.

Smug, lying bastard.

Just saying what I like about him.

Oliver, have you been drinking?

I'm detecting some tension here.

Perhaps we should hold...

PREEYA AND OLIVER: A meeting.

No, the bear hunt on day two.

I told you he wants to sh**t a bear.

So, find a bear.

From a circus will be fine.

No, of course he won't sh**t it in the circus.

You take the bear to the woods and the president will sh**t the bear.

THEY SPEAK IN OWN LANGUAGE: Be very careful, Alexei.

I know what I'm doing.

That's what Icarus said.

Icarus...

As the two teams are still tied, we have a sudden-death decider.

First one to shout out.

Who was the highest ever goal scorer in the Premier League?

Highest ever in the top flight?

Jimmy Greaves. No, that's...

Alan Shearer.

Is the correct answer!

But it's not. It's Greaves.

Jimmy Greaves scored 357 goals from 1957 to '70. I said Premiership.

You said top flight.

Didn't he? He definitely said that.

Clearly I was talking about the Premiership.

Oh, I'm sorry, I forgot that football didn't exist before Sky invented it in 1992.

Before then, we just used to kick severed heads around the streets.

It really doesn't matter.

Yes, it does matter, Gerry.

It matters a very great deal, because it shows what's gone wrong with this f*cking country.

Nobody gives a toss about their heritage any more.

Jimmy Greaves scored the most goals back when football was a man's game, played by real men who played with a ball like a rock and risked brain damage every time they headed it.

Men who didn't have ear studs or stupid zigzags in their haircuts, and who celebrated a goal with a handshake and not a Busby Berkeley dance routine.

But, no, you all think it's Shearer because you've been brainwashed.

Spencer! All you care about is, "Oh, my broadband is slow. Oh, look at house prices."

You think with your pockets.

Well, you've let yourselves down.

But that's all you can rely upon nowadays.

People will always just let you down. Always let you down. Always.

The bastards.

I did say Premiership, you just got it wrong.

I think we should leave. We should leave. Yeah, come on, Spence.

I'm buying this place in the morning, and then you're all barred.

I felt it would be positive for us to vent, air, share our feelings, obviously not mentioning the result.

So don't mention we won?

Sara is dead right.

As Tories in this marriage that we have, it's very important that we don't go to bed angry with each other.

Though it's hardly surprising if one spouse has been sleeping with lots of other people.

But you're right, of course, if we can deal in this room in a conciliatory way with our anger and resentment and bitterness and betrayal and sense of personal exploitation, then so can the Tory Party.

(Stomach rumbles)

What is that noise?

My stomach rumbling.

Oh. I thought it was the pipes.

Yeah, it's a bit worse today, I had a bad night, but it's entirely physical, it's nothing to do with...

Anyway, can I just mention, and it's not a big thing, but there was a carton of milk left out of the fridge again today?

Sorry. I am a prat.

Trigger word. Well, I must be able to use a trigger word about myself.

Sara, can I just say that I fully defend Oliver's right to call himself a prat?

The thing is...

Just stay out of it, Tony.

(Stomach rumbles)

Oh, for God's sake.

It's like being heckled by a drain.

Have a biscuit or something.

Ruby, for Christ's sake, give her a biscuit.

I'm not a...dog.

Don't worry, Sara.

Uncle had the same stomach-rumbley thing and no-one really minded.

And did they find out what caused it?

They thought he might be eating grass.

Was Uncle, by any chance, a dog, Ruby?

An Airedale. Very good with children and foreigners.

Right.

Is there anyone who hasn't compared me to a dog who would like to?

Ooh, looks like Elizabeth Warren might be on the ticket with Hillary.

Crooked Hillary?

It's bad enough having him insult one woman, now he's got two. Hmm.

We're going to have to come up with some new insults.

He's already used crooked, lying, low energy, not hot.

He has a nickname for her.

Pocahontas cos she's a...

Brett.

..Native American.

He does know it was me, doesn't he? Sorry, I'm... Mr Tr*mp.

He knows that I'm the one that volunteered to take the heat for that misspeak.

Brett, can you just let this drop?

Only he always used to say, "Go, fella", to me every time he saw me and he hasn't said that to me recently, or anything else for quite a while now.

Is Elizabeth Warren really Native American?

That's what she claims.

But what she really, really is is 100% 24-carat liberal.

She could wring her hands before she could walk.

Well, she's going to be Hillary's chief running mate.

Chief Running Mate.

It sounds like an Indian name.

OK, so...

Have you mentioned dancing?

Brett, go sit in the toilet.

OK.