01x07 - Angel Appreciation Day

[bunniefuu]

And this is where you'll be presenting the Fuller and Fuller line of skin care products.

Here at the Quality Shopping Channel, your pitch will be seen by millions of Americans, a tiny fraction of whom will be sober and not have frozen credit cards.

Well, we just launched the product three months ago, so this is huge for us.

So after some internal discussion, we've decided that we would like Allison to do the honor of the on-air presentation.

What? Me?

(chuckling): What? Her?

Nothing personal, Marv, we've just found that women tend to sell more to our demographic.

Also she's younger.

And more attractive.

And I'd just love for you to jump in and say you get it before I really insult you.

Oh, I get it. It's a no-brainer.

What do you say?

I don't know, Dad.

If you don't do it, we're gonna have to put your product on at 5:00 a.m. in between the duck calls and the novelty golf clubs you can pee in.

This is a “taking our hard work to the next leve” sort of opportunity, you understand that.

Talking about a level where we don't have to work.

Talking about Jessica Alba money.

Oh, uh... okay.

That's my girl.

Yeah, okay.

All right.

Listen, do you have any more of those putters you can pee in?

'Cause I have a guy in my foursome... bladder of a pregnant lady.

Is that Brad?

Yeah, it's Brad.

Ah, there's my top dog, huh?

Hey.

How's it going?

We getting any, uh... bites on this place?

Oh yeah, definite...

Uh, some nibbles, for sure.

Oof.

Little late to be seeing more cookies than plate, isn't it?

Those are not oatmeal-raisin, are they?

Come on, Trav, not selling condos.

You're staring down a plate of chocolate chucks there.

Well done.

Look, I realize it is no easy task selling a house where people have been so recently and, God, just brutally m*rder*d.

Don't you worry, I've been fending off the news vans.

They have come by several times.

That's why I trusted you with this listing.

I knew if anybody was gonna be able to sell the m*rder house, it was gonna be my top dog.

Oh, definitely.

(chuckles)

But listen, if you can't handle it...

Hey, I can handle it, and don't you worry about it.

I'm gonna k*ll it, even more than the previous owners did.

Okay, that's a little dark for an open house.

Uh... they're just... checking out the front yard.

That's all new landscaping.

And unrestricted street parking, by the way.

Except for Tuesdays and Thursdays.

And evenings can be a little tricky.

Aw.

Look at you, working away.

Hey, Amy, you know that rope-like thing on the side of your robe there? It's a belt.

Oh, well, I prefer to use it like this.

Boom, chicka-chicka, boom, chicka, wow.

Amy, cinch it.

Oh, you humans are so touchy about nudity, my goodness.

You want to see something crazy?

You should see my true form.

It'll melt your face off.

So, where have you been this morning?

I had to do the run-through for that QSC thing.

It turns out they want me to present instead of my dad.

Oh, well, that's fantastic.

You're a natural.

I could watch your face for hours.

No, I am not a natural.

I have only been on camera twice before, and both times I... underperformed.

Do you need me to repeat the question?

False.

Rwanda!

Pass.

Well, moving on to our next student and see if he can tell us the answer to the question, “What is your name”?

With us to talk about sun safety is dermatologist Dr. Allison Fuller.

Sun.

Lots of fun.

Safe!

Back to you, Rachel.

Now, if you're wondering where I was.

I wasn't.

For the quiz show, I was in Kansas City.

It was an angel convention. Bad timing.

Super-fun. We lit a car on fire.

Oh, and the morning show?

Oh, again I was in Kansas City because the Royals were in the playoffs.

Against the Angels.

Yay Royals, boo Angels.

Not what you would have thought, right?

(chuckles) We also lit a car on fire.

This is gonna be a disaster.

No, it's not, honey.

You're gonna do great.

And you know how I know that?

Because you are great.

Do you have any practical tips to help me with this presentation?

Yes, I do, I do.

Turn those negatives into positives, those frowns upside down, and when life gives you...

Do not say “lemons.”

...oranges, make lemonade.

Hmm.

(doorbell rings)

Hey.

Oh, hey, Brad.

Hi. Thought I'd stop by after the open house, say hi.

Tops.

Sweet kicks, dude.

Oh.

You noticed.

New Jordan Dub Zeros.

Got 'em for a steal, only four hundy.

And a three-hour wait in line.

Ugh, doesn't seem worth it.

Totally worth it.

I needed a little pick-me-up.

Been bummed.

I haven't been able to sell the m*rder house.

Maybe you should tie them?

What?! No.

That's not how you wear them.

(insect buzzing)

Oh, bee, Brad.

What?

A, Allison. Ooh, this is a fun game.

Watch out!

No, it's fine.

I avoid them, they avoid me.

You know you are highly allergic.

You could die.

Go get your EpiPen. Where is your EpiPen?

It's in the car.

Well, get it.

Uh, okay, okay.

Allison, be careful of that bee.

(insect buzzing)

No.

(gasps) Oh, sweet mercy, no.

What? It's just a bee.

No, no, no, no, Allison.

No, no, no, no, no.

It's not “just a bee”"

Oh, is it a magic bee?

Amy: This bee is Brad's guardian angel.

Frank.

Angels come in different forms, based on the type of guidance each human needs.

Does somebody up there think I need to drink more?

'Cause that's the guidance I'm getting.

Oh, Allison, relax. Have a glass of wine.

Look, I am the perfect guardian angel for you.

My unwavering positivity balances out your inner negative voice.

As a bee that Brad is allergic to, Frank was the perfect guardian angel.

He was like a shock collar that stopped Brad from doing stupid things.

Brad's gonna be fine.

(clattering)

Brad: Ow! I fell off the porch!

Seriously?

Brad, are you okay?

Brad: Yeah, I just twisted my ankle.

Nope, I scuffed my Jordans!

I still can't believe you assassinated Brad's guardian angel.

Stop calling me an assassin.

Now I'm gonna have to pull double duty... angel rules.

If your human kills another human's angel, you have to step up and be the surrogate until that angel gets a new body.

Ah, and what is the wait time on new angel bodies these days?

Oh, for a bee, probably a week.

A whale, two days.

You make sense out of it.

I'm done trying to figure out corporate.

Listen, while Frank is being refitted, I'm gonna be slammed, angeling both you and Brad.

Wow, you're gonna be working two pretend jobs?

They're gonna be so impressed at the pretend bank when you're cashing those pretend checks.

Are you done?

Look, I am just super-busy preparing for this QSC thing, so if you want to spend more time with Brad, great.

Don't sleep with him.

Oh, I can't make any promises.

People do weird things on heavy painkillers.

I only gave him aspirin.

I'm not talking about Brad.

I'm talking about me.

I'm on heavy painkillers.

This sucks. How am I supposed to get to my open house with an injury like this?

I got to put out food.

I got to tell people to help themselves to said food.

Yeah, I guess I could probably do those, actually.

Well, of course you can, because I will be helping you.

Oh, would you? That would be great.

I'll be watching over you, get you through problems...

Man, she's like my own little guardian angel.

Whoa, let the record show I did not say that. (chuckles)

♪ ♪

This neighborhood, by the way, is becoming one of the... one of the hottest in L.A.

No, it really is an incredible house.

So, about the murders.

The murders.

Yeah. I-I knew you guys might ask about that.

That's... which is great, because I... I don't know if you guys know this... it actually wasn't a m*rder.

It wasn't?

No.

What a relief.

Yeah.

It was m*rder-su1c1de.

And the kids were in their 20s, so it actually wasn't that sad.

Okay, well, we'll talk about it.

♪ ♪

I'm never gonna sell this house.

Hey, you stop that. You're gonna do great.

You know how I know?

You are great.

You really think so?

Yeah, you're motivated.

You're determined.

Your eyes are both warm and beady.

Which is the perfect combination.

You just got to grab the bull by the horns and make lemonade.

That is amazing advice.

Really?

It's “amazing” advice?

Yeah, I am great.

I'm the best real estate agent I know. (chuckles)

I just needed you to remind me of that.

You could sell this house with your eyes closed and the bodies still in it.

God, I love your relentless unearned optimism.

(both laugh)

Ooh, pardon, folks, I got to get to the mortgage store so I can buy this amazing house.

Marv: Hey, sweetie.

How's the presentation going?

Do you know how many videos there are of people messing up on QSC?

“QSC Panic att*ck.”

“QSC Butter Slip.”

“QSC Hand-Crank Pasta Maker Zipper Fiasco.”

There must be a thousand of them.

Well, let's not make it 1,001, hmm?

Would you like some constructive criticism?

Oh, my God, yes.

You tend to play with your hair, don't do it.

Your voice gets a little screechy, knock it off.

Also, I printed this out so you wouldn't get nervous.

“Six tips to overcome your fear of speaking on camera.”

Finally, some practical advice.

Right?

Hey, you want six real tips to overcome your fear of speaking on camera?

You're. Going. To. Do. Great.

Allison.

Is it just me, or does that advice have absolutely no substance to it?

It's kind of her thing.

We got this.

Oh, you and your “dad” got this?

Why are you using air quotes for “dad”?

He is my dad.

And the cocreator of the product.

Not just “a friend.”

And why are you using air quotes?

Your role in my daughter's life is muddy at best.

Snap.

Check on you later.

♪ ♪

Oh, it'd be much easier to double-angel if I could fly like a bee.

Or had a driver's license.

Ugh, damn you, DUI.

I heard a man k*lled his wife and her lover here.

Is that true?

Do you mean, is this house so awesome that it incites great passion, or that this house is so impressive that you could take on a lover?

Yeah.

Why don't you think about it?

Don't take too long, though.

I think, if this house has taught us anything, it's that life is so short.

Also I have three other offers on the table, and one of them is all cash.

Make that two all cash.

I look forward to your application.

How's it going?

We did it.

“We,” I love the sound of that.

I turned negatives into positives, just like you said.

I could not have done this without you.

Oh, I've never had this kind of feedback before.

(chuckles)

Bradley Middle Name Fuller, you just sold an unsellable, most likely haunted house.

What are you gonna do next?

Uh...

Well, actually I should probably use the commission to pay off some debt.

Or?

Or, uh... treat myself to something nice as a reward?

Oh, you're an excellent student.

Wow, you sound like none of my teachers.

Hey, what's the emergency?

Oh, there's no emergency.

You texted me to meet you here, 911.

That's 'cause I wanted you to move fast, like a Porsche 911.

So you could see the most beautiful person in the world on a wall of TVs.

Okay, why am I here?

Well, you are here to receive a booster sh*t of Amy positivity before you catch “negatitus C.”

And I'm also here for batteries.

I don't need a cheerleader.

Oh, you obviously haven't seen Friday Night Lights.

Oh, is it good? I heard it's good.

Oh, my God, so good. Skip season two.

Otherwise, amazing.

What I need is to be home practicing so that I don't get nervous and screw up.

Well, I've got a fix for that... if you're nervous standing in front of the audience, just picture them naked.

That's a bit of a complete and total cliché.

Yeah, but it actually works, because you humans are so weird around nakedness.

It took me so long to understand your rules.

You can see my elbow, but you can't see my boob.

You can see my forehead, but you can't see my butt cr*ck.

It doesn't make any sense.

Brad, what are you doing here?

Top dog deserves top TV and this awesome Auto-Tune microphone.

♪ Because I sold the m*rder house ♪
♪ With Amy's he... ♪

I'm already bored with it.

I'm gonna go grab some 3-D glasses.

Okay, look, I have a huge day tomorrow, so if you could please just stay out of my way until this QSC thing is over.

“Stay out of your way”... is that how you see this?

Because I'm, like, busting my butt pulling double duty all day here.

Yeah, well, your relentless enthusiasm and positivity is actually bumming me out. I need some practical help.

Like what your “dad” gives you?

Why are you air-quoting my dad? He is my dad.

Well, maybe I should just focus on Brad.

He's the only one who seems to be receptive to my guidance.

Well, maybe he's receptive to your guidance because you haven't told him that you're a 4,000-year-old angel.

I am a 3,700-year-old angel, Allison.

You know that I'm touchy about my age.

Okay, and you know what?

If you're refusing angeling for this week, I need you to sign a release.

It's blank.

Aw, crap, I forgot humans can't see the color thurple.

Listen, it's just a standard release.

Obviously, there's a clause that states if you're in danger of grave bodily harm or about to date a member of a jam band, I'll tag back in.

There you go.

Have a great week.

♪ You have a good week, too ♪
♪ Allison. ♪

No, he's right. It does get old fast.

Thank you for coming by to help me out with this.

Oh, please, I'd do anything for my daughter, who holds our future in her hands.

Look, I know I really need to nail this, so I will take all the constructive criticism I can get.

That's my girl.

So let's start with your glaring and obvious inability to focus live on air.

Show me what you got already.

Great, okay.

“Fuller and Fuller Dermatology has created an innovative line of skin care...”

Oh, oh, what is that?

That's a boom mic. Just checking your focus.

These distractions happen. You're on live TV, go.

Okay, yeah, uh, “Fuller and Fuller Dermatology has created an innovative line of organic skin care...”

There's a leak overhead. Ignore it.

“Organic skin care products to treat a variety of skin cond...”

Okay, seriously, nobody's gonna be shaking the table.

It's an earthquake... do you duck and cover or keep going?

Duck and cover.

Wrong! We got products to move!

(stammers) “Including acne, uh, eczema, psoriasis...”

Dad? Dad? Oh, no.

Oh, honey.

Oh... Oh, Dad, no, see, I don't know if this is a part of the drill or real.

Dad?

(groaning)

Dad! Dad!

Come on, a cameraman has a heart att*ck?

You got to power through that.

I'm a doctor. I took an oath.

Fine, save the cameraman.

But you got to drag him onto the set first.

It's good publicity.

Okay, this is, this is a lot.

I think I need to take a break.

Listen to me.

You're gonna do great.

Oh?

You know how I know you're gonna do great?

Because you have to.

Get back over there, come on.

Hey, Amy.

Oh, hi.

Uh, remind me how we know each other.

It's Allison, right?

Ha-ha.

Yeah, I'm off to the beach with Brad.

You'd like him. Maybe we could all grab coffee sometime.

I really want you guys to be friends.

Doesn't he have work?

He does.

But I told him he was too great to be shackled to his desk every day, and not only did he agree, he thanked me.

Unlike a certain someone I know.

You know, my big QSC thing is today.

Oh, oh.

You're gonna... make me late for Brad.

Good luck with your QSC thing.

What?

What?

You're a perfect human being, Allison.

Nothing.

Oh, man, I can't believe we're going to the beach in the middle of the week.

Allison would have an aneurysm.

And that's not a good place to do it.

Lifeguards aren't trained to handle that.

I, uh, may have spent a few summers bay-watching.

Oh.

Hey, this isn't the beach.

Oh, no, I got to pop in here real quick and quit my job.

All right, man. I'll wait here.

Hey, Brad, hold up, man!

All right, be confident but not cocky, all right?

Be quick but don't rush.

Enunciate but be conversational.

Smile but don't force it.

Okay, that's too many things.

Yeah, you're right. I'm sorry.

Have fun but take it seriously.

Ah...

Do you need me to repeat the question?

False.

Rwanda! Pass.

Thank you, Rachel.

Sun, lots of fun, safe.

Back to you, Rachel.

It's you.

Is everything okay?

I think you're the reason I get nervous on camera.

What do you mean?

Well, we both like constructive criticism.

Love it.

Yeah, and we tend to shy away from positive reinforcement.

Because it's for wussies.

Agreed.

But when I see you off to the side, I get your voice inside my head.

And I already have my voice inside my head.

And that is just a lot of constructive criticism.

Oh, my God, sweetie, no.

I never meant to put more pressure on you.

I've just seen how you are in the past on camera and how tough it is for you.

And as a dad, that's really hard to watch you go through.

I know it's coming from a good place.

It is.

It's coming from love and a desperate need to move product.

Dad?

Right.

You don't need me here right now.

Okay.

You're not gonna see this face until you're done.

You're gonna be great.

Thanks, Dad.

Hey, Brad, hey, hey!

You-you said something that was a little alarming.

What-What-What's that?

Yeah, I'm gonna quit my job, like you told me.

Cool beans, right?

I know I never said, “Cool beans.”

Yeah, remember, you told me that I'm so great that I shouldn't be, like, shackled to a desk.

Oh, well, I meant that maybe you could take a longer lunch break or watch a video or two in the handicap stall.

Oh, I'm gonna do all that and more, 'cause I'm gonna start my own real estate company.

What? When'd you start thinking about this?

You know, thank you for asking.

Probably since I got into real estate, really.

Okay, staying positive.

Um, do you have any kind of plan for this whatsoever?

Yes.

I'm gonna follow my dream.

Plan's kind of thin, Brad.

Well, as a hot, wise woman once told me, it's gonna be great, because I'm great, you know? (chuckles)

(bee buzzing)

Uh-oh, bee alert!

Frank!

(buzzing)

(Brad gasps)

Got me.

Just got me right on the neck there.

Yep, yeppers-pedeppers.

And I think it just mainlined right in there.

Yeah, you need your EpiPen, pal.

No, please.

I got a half an hour to quit before my throat closes, and I won't be able to resign in the dignified manner that Travis deserves.

You need to sit down, man.

There you go, there you go.

(groans)

There you go.

All right, maybe I should... just sit here and rehearse it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, okay.

Uh, uh, where's your EpiPen?

(gasping): In the car.

Okay, I'll be right back. Hang in there, pal.

Travis, we've known each other for too long for me to dance around this.

Ah, here it is!

In a burrito wrapper, of course!

Amy!

Get it in there, get it in there, get it in there, get it...

So, how you feeling?

Uh, like a complete and utter idiot.

I almost d*ed more tragically than the people whose house I just sold.

Now you're gonna blow past the fact that I just saved your life.

What was I thinking? I can't quit my job.

Guess so.

Can't start my own company.

I'm great but I'm not that great.

Well, you just need to have a plan with steps in it and stuff.

You know, like Allison would do.

You know, Brad, I've always been a big-picture, inspire-the-enthusiasm kind of gal.

You know, like Oprah or those cute honeys with the T-shirt cannons.

Yeah, that's kind of my thing, too.

Right.

So maybe you and me together is just... too much of an awesome thing.

(door opens)

Oh, sorry I'm late, Travels.

Oh, ooh!

Sick cowboy boots, bro.

Yeah, man.

Getting out way ahead of that trend.

This is an awful mess.

(stammers) It's casual Friday.

We don't do that.

Yeah, how you doing?

Hey.

You buying or are you selling?

Squatting.

Sexy.

Mm. Go get 'em, tiger!

(chuckling)

(Frank buzzing)

Hey, Frank! Oh.

So glad you're back.

I just wish I could help Allison.

(buzzing)

But, dude, she signed the contract, it's not like...

No, no, no. I know you did a stint in legal.

(buzzing)

Really?

My gosh, you're right!

She pulls out her hair!

That qualifies as “bodily harm”"

This is great!

I can go help Allison.

Thanks for the loophole, dude.

Hi!

Do you want beautiful, youthful-looking skin?

Then our next product is exactly what you need.

Hi, I'm Dr. Allison Fuller, and I am here to tell you about an innovative line of skin care produ...

Sun, lots of fun, safe.

(laughs) Yes.

But sun can also be damaging.

Which is why your all-natural sunblock is so effective.

False.

Rwanda.

Pass!

This is where we'd go to commercial if this whole thing wasn't one giant commercial.

But... we'll stay here and talk about Fuller and Fuller and how full your life will be with them...

(whispering): You're doing great.

In making your skin fuller and...

Fuller and Fuller Dermatology has launched an innovative line of skin care products to treat a variety of skin conditions.

Conditions include acne, psoriasis, eczema.

Fuller and Fuller's patented blend of all...

I hear you had a mild uptick in sales.

They're pretty much flat.

But I did get over my fear of being on camera.

Can we not pause it on the full frontal?

My fear of you being on camera is stronger than ever.

Or we can fast-forward to the part where I almost hurdle over the lotion pyramid.

Which, judging by the comments, is a fan favorite.

Okay, I need to say something before you make me regret it.

Sometimes I need your... relentless positivity.

Hey, this only works because of your crushing self-criticism.

So thank you for treating yourself like crap.

Now I have some new paperwork I need you to sign that once again gives me full liability for your beautiful humanness.

Of course.

Is this it?

Allison, that is a blank piece of paper.

My bee is drawing up the official document.

Of course.