02x06 - 100 Cows

[bunniefuu]

Alex: Previously on "Casual"...

He brought a date.

Jack: This must be so awkward for you.

Hi.

Hi.

Jack Briggs.

I spent the break in recovery.

I'm feeling better.

I'm excited to hang out with you guys again.

Morning, Alexis.

My name's Fallon.

Alex, whatever you're thinking, just stop.

Valerie: Nothing good happens in Burbank.

Alex: What'd you say to Sarah Finn?

You were unfaithful to her.

Why would you tell her that?

I loved her and Dad drove her away.

[gasps] Jesus.

You look like Clockwork Orange.

What do you want?

Best wedding gift you and Drew got?

I don't know. Cash?

Alex: Nothing more memorable?

Valerie: Who's it for?

Sarah Finn.

Why?

She's marrying my business partner.

It would be rude not to send a gift.

I very strongly disagree.

Oh, come on.

One small gift?

Mmmm.

It's a wedding!

It-it's a cause for celebration.

Okay. Okay. Fine.

But you're gonna stick to the registry.

Get him a potato ricer.

Or cups.

Cups?

No wonder you never get invited out.

[light music]

♪ ♪

Hey.

Quick question: how many cows would it take to really make a statement?

50? 100?

What?

Alex: If you were Sarah.

It's for her wedding.

Oh, like a dowry?

No, less contractual. More emotionally manipulative.

Leon: It's 7:30 in the morning.

Leon! Come on.

What's an undeniable amount of cows?

[coughing]

Are you okay?

Leon: [groans] I'm sick.

sh*t. I'm sorry.

Anything I can do?

Don't bother me today.

Leon: I need rest.

You got it. Feel better.

[phone beeps]

♪ ♪

[car beeps]

Look at me.

Jennifer: I've lost my mind.

I have two different shoes on.

Please. I do that all the time.

You do?

Yeah.

I had a red one and a green one the other day.

Oh, Christmasy.

You got plans this weekend?

Nothin' really.

No?

Mm-mm.

Oh.

You should call Harry. Wink, wink.

Yeah, I... I guess I should.

The title of my future autobiography.

[laughs]

Um, Jack also asked for your number.

Game night Jack?

Mm.

I didn't give it to him. He's not housebroken.

What do you mean, like, he'll pee on my rug or something?

Among other places.

Well, that sounds messy.

It is and not in a good way.

Call Harry.

Hi, Leia.

Hi.

Um, I'm doing a juice cleanse today, so I might be a little weird.

Just FYI.

Okay. Thank you.

Because I'm doing a juice cleanse.

Oh, okay. Great. Thanks.

Leia: And your 9:00 is here.

My 9:00?

He said that he was a new patient.

You didn't schedule him yourself?

No.

[laughs] Where is he, Leia?

♪ ♪

Come in.

♪ ♪

Alex: That a friend of yours?

Yeah.

She brings you coffee? How nice.

Yeah.

Okay.

Thank you.

Alex: Have a good day.

Mm-hmm.

Sup?

What's up with you?

Same sh*t. Different day.

We're cool, right?

Yeah. Why wouldn't we be?

Cool. Thanks.

Plane leveled out.

Made an emergency landing.

Everyone on the plane starts cheering and crying, but I didn't.

I realized my life was nothing.

I didn't care if the plane crashed.

Called Camille, told her it was over.

Called my boss, told him pretty much the same thing.

Three minutes, I had canceled my entire life.

One giant f*ck you to New York.

Never even went back for my dry cleaning.

Mm.

Now I'm happy.

Mm.

Make my own hours, travel.

I own a yurt.

Are you finished?

[sighs] Yeah, pretty much.

[laughs] Okay.

Well, I think you have a fear of intimacy, which is not uncommon in adult children of alcoholics.

You struggle with commitment and fear of abandonment, but... the fact that you needed a life-threatening plane ride to create agency in your life and the fact that you never went back to New York to face the choices that you've made in your life...

I'd say your real issue is with avoidance.

When can we do this again?

You can do this again, just not with me.

Leia will validate your parking.

Kicking me out?

Well, time's up.

All right.

So how much do I owe you?

Uh, don't take his money.

Jack: No, no. I insist.

Uh, it's fine.

Then I'll buy you dinner to make up for it.

Really, it's not necessary.

But still happening a night this week.

If I say yes, will you leave?

Yes.

Okay, fine.

Good.

[laughs] Okay.

♪ ♪

[door shuts]

What?

♪ ♪

Hmm.

I have an announcement before we start.

Spencer has gone back into treatment and it would be nice if some of you could put together a care package for him.

Laura and I can do it.

Seriously?

I mean, it sucks he has a problem, but... since when do people in rehab get care packages?

I mean, what are we gonna send him, some methadone?

Spencer's not in rehab. He has cancer.

Did you not pick up on that?

♪ ♪

Care package, right.

We're... we're on it.

So what is more popular, the goats or the cows?

And do you have any off-menu animals?

Hello? Hello?

[phone beeps]

assh*le.

[sighs]

Valerie: So the strangest thing happened to me at work.

Anorexic girl try to eat your Kleenex again?

No.

This man that I met at Jennifer's game night just showed up at my office.

Yikes.

Yeah, but not for therapy.

I mean, kind of for therapy, but I think just to flirt.

Oh.

That's both creepy and well played.

The point is, we're going out to dinner one night this week.

Wait.

One night this week?

Or did he pick an actual day?

One night this week.

[laughs]

Nope.

What?

Until he picks an actual day, you don't have a date.

"One night this week" could just as easily mean literally never again.

So should I call him and firm things up?

No!

It's a waiting game now. A battle of wills.

So I'm supposed to keep every night open until he calls?

Val, just double-book and go to the more fun thing.

Have you never used a calendar?

[phone chimes]

It's not him.

[phone chiming]

Hi.

Hi.

Yes?

Sorry. Um, are you around tomorrow?

I'm around right now.

Can I stop by after work tomorrow?

Sure, Drew.

Drew: Thank you, Valerie.

Hey, man.

Thanks for the cow.

Very, very kind of you.

You mean cows, right?

I donated 100.

Oh, well, they don't show us the number.

They just say, "so-and-so donated," but thank you.

Of course.

Anything for a good cause.

♪ ♪

[phone beeps]

[line trilling]

[phone ringing]

Leon: What?

100 cows did nothing.

Alex: I think we've got to go off-registry.

Where are you?

Leon: [groans]

Alex: Leon, did you hear me?

The cows were a bust.

Please, I need to rest.

Oh, good Lord. You're still sick?

Leon: [coughing]

Um, wait. I got to go.

I'll call you back.

Leon: Please don't.

Hey, Fallon.

He's busy, Alex. What do you want?

Uh, I'm here for you, actually.

I wanted to pick your brain about something.

Okay.

I need a wedding gift for the happy couple.

Something really special.

How about a livestock donation?

I was hoping for something more Sarah-specific.

Maybe something that's not on the registry.

What about something from her store?

Yes.

Yeah, good idea.

I'll get some chairs.

I can help you pick them out, if you want.

No, that's okay. Thanks, though.

Fallon: Seriously.

I just want to be helpful.

Yeah?

Absolutely.

Give me your credit card number and I'll take the order.

How many do you want? Four? Six?

Eh.

Let's do eight.

Eight?

Yeah.

Look at you.

I'm a partner.

If you were Spencer, what would you want in a care package?

Like, don't think about it.

Just, you get the package, you open it up.

What's in it?

Not cancer?

Ha-ha.

I don't know.

This all feels sad.

Books and movies?

It's basically a collection of other people's stories because yours is ending.

Make sure you write that on his card.

Hey, what are you up to on Friday?

Uh, I don't know.

I may have stuff.

Okay.

Well, if you decide to stop being weird, you should come with me to a party at USC.

The guy who's hosting it's a PoliSci major with an eight-inch cock.

PoliSci?

I know, right?

Might as well be ceramics.

Yeah, I guess that could be fun.

Aubrey: Cool.

You know, I think that's what Spencer would want.

He would want us to drink and dance and listen to music.

He'd want us to live.

Yeah. You're right.

I don't believe this.

I don't know why JoAnne would lie.

Because she's crazy? She walks her cats.

She said she saw two teenage girls hanging around outside my garage on the night my bikes were stolen.

Or you left the garage door open again, like you always do.

No.

Mae-Yi has a very sweet, very gentle way of reminding me to keep it locked.

Okay. [laughs]

Oh. Okay.

You don't think there's any possibility that Laura could have done it?

She doesn't seem angry or frustrated?

I don't know. She's a teenager.

Okay?

It doesn't mean she's out committing grand larceny.

There it is. The denial.

Like an old sweater that you put on at first chill of reality.

Oh, you're wearing a f*cking tech vest!

[bell dings]

Laura.

Hi, Dad.

Valerie: You know what? You're her father.

You talk to her.

[sighs]

I'm not your go-between.

What's up?

You didn't, uh, borrow me and Mae-Yi's road bikes last Saturday, did you?

No. Why?

Because they've gone missing from the locked garage.

Look, I just found out that my friend has cancer and it's a little hard for me to think about bikes right now.

Okay?

But I didn't take them.

♪ ♪

Cancer?

How convenient.

Oh, shut up, Drew.

♪ ♪

[computer chimes]

♪ ♪

A f*cking form letter?

♪ ♪

[footsteps approaching]

So, did you get the chairs?

Uh, yeah. Thanks.

What'd she say? Was she super touched?

Don't think she even noticed.

Sorry.

Well, I thought it was a thoughtful gift.

Yep.

I hope someone pays that kind of attention to me someday.

Mm-hmm.

Alex?

I like chairs.

[upbeat rock music]

[both moaning]

♪ ♪

[moaning heavily]

So any word from the new patient?

No.

Please don't call him that.

Makes me feel so unethical.

Hmm.

What other plans did you make?

I didn't make other plans.

Why do you willfully ignore me?

Because I'm not gonna fill my calendar with things that I don't want to go to.

He's right, though.

When Patient Guy calls, you want to have other plans.

That way, when you do see him, it seems like he's inconvenienced you and he'll try to make up for it.

♪ ♪

Okay. Okay.

I'll text Jennifer.

Good.

I miss the old chairs.

These are better for your posture.

She's texting back.

It's a dot, dot, dot.

This is riveting.

Don't you just love talking about other people's text messages?

Laura: Mm.

She says to ask... ask Harry.

Laura: Mm, competition. Even better.

See?

Someone's been listening.

Not to you.

Oh, please.

♪ ♪

I'm having dinner with Harry tomorrow night.

So there.

That was easy, wasn't it?

Yeah.

It really was.

♪ ♪

[sighs]

♪ ♪

Hey.

Fallon: Good morning.

What is this?

Our Relationship Disclosure form.

Our what?

Basically, it acknowledges that we've entered into a consenting romantic relationship.

We f*cked once.

And I have every reason to believe we'll f*ck again.

We're in the middle of a merger.

My counsel advised me to take precautions.

Your counsel?

Just sign it by the end of business.

I've already informed Jordan and HR, so...

Jordan knows about this?

Fallon: Of course.

He's my boss.

We're very honest with each other.

Should I set a lunch for us?

No!

No. I do not consent to lunch.

♪ ♪

Hey, it's me.

Please don't hang up.

I know you don't want to hear from me right now, but I would not be calling if this weren't a matter of life and death.

Alex: Please.

♪ ♪

Valerie: Where are you off to?

Party at USC. With Aubrey.

♪ ♪

I'm glad you're making friends at school.

Right?

So normal of me.

Aubrey... is she the one with cancer?

No. That's a boy.

Spencer.

Valerie: Okay.

Everything else good?

Nothing's troubling you?

Nope.

Have fun tonight.

Valerie: Wait.

Safe sex. Drinking in moderation.

UberSELECT. Home by 1:00.

Good girl.

[hip-hop music playing]

♪ ♪

Hey, you.

Thanks for the text.

I always text.

Not during daylight.

Fair enough.

Hi. I'm Max.

Laura.

Well, grab a beer.

They're playing Kings.

Hey, come on.

[giggles]

You good?

Yeah.

♪ ♪

Uh, Darren Sharper.

Patrick Kane!

Um, Jameis Winston.

Uh, sh*t!

Drink! Drink!

[laughter]

Uh, it's categories.

Basketball players?

Athletes accused of r*pe.

Ah.

Um, sit.

That's okay.

No, no.

This works out better for me.

Now I can... hover over you creepily.

See?

Ah, yes. Very creepy.

Yeah.

I'm Laura.

Uh, Daveed.

Pretentious spelling of David.

Hey, save it for later.

Come on, we got a game to play.

All right.

Let's go.

So how do you know Jennifer?

Uh, through Mark, her on again, off again.

We were at Stanford together.

Mm.

Thank you.

She tells me, um... you have a daughter.

I do.

She's at a USC party right now getting moderately f*cked up.

Oh. Okay.

How about you? Kids?

Nope.

But I'm a pediatrician, so my whole life is kids.

Uh, our clinic specializes in early detection of autism and we have a wonderful community outreach... oh, God, I'm boring you already.

Hmm? No!

Uh, you were talking about... autism?

[sighs]

Sorry. Go on.

Yeah. Okay, fine.

You were boring me.

I'm sorry, that...

No, it's okay.

I am boring.

I mean, I'm not, but on first dates I am.

Because they're awful, right?

I mean, pretending to be this better version of yourself.

It's so transparent.

Would it be so bad if we just told the truth?

I don't know. Should we try it?

Okay.

You go first.

Okay.

Um, I have a fear that the valet will scratch my car so I street parked two blocks away.

That's why I was late.

Your turn.

I hate this wine.

I think it tastes like dirt.

Let's get a different bottle.

[laughs]

Okay.

[coughing]

This stuff for your head.

No, thank you.

Okay.

So lemon tea, then? Or chamomile?

Just let me read.

Of course.

This is scary, right?

Do you ever deal with these kind of contracts?

You know I'm not a lawyer.

What do you do, again?

I'm a composer.

Really? Of what?

Commercials.

But my real passion is classical composition.

Hey, do you know Hans Zimmer?

No.

Oh.

I like him.

Well, this is designed to protect you and, um, Fallon from wrongful termination.

It creates a paper trail in case either of you is accused of impropriety.

Impropriety?

She's pursuing me. I'm the victim here.

[hip-hop music playing]

Ah. Fourth king.

Make a rule.

Okay.

My rule is, anytime someone picks up a face card, you two kiss.

Yeah.

Oh, my God.

Why is it always two girls kissing?

What's our cultural fetish with lesbianism?

No fetish.

Girls are pretty and we just want to see pretty people kiss.

Okay. Daveed's pretty. You're pretty.

Why can't you guys kiss? We'll gawk at you.

Max: I...

I-I don't look at Daveed that way, so...

Laura: Double standard.

He's pretty.

Thank you.

Come on.

Prove it's not gender-specific.

We just like to watch pretty people kiss.

Okay, fine.

♪ ♪

[laughter]

Come on.

That was so weak.

What, should we do it again?

Yes, please.

Yeah.

Uh, fine.

♪ ♪

[laughter]

♪ ♪

Valencia or Mayfair?

Man: Uh, no filter.

Man: Man, that was... that got the... that got the blood flow going.

Max: Shut your mouth.

Daveed: It was all for you.

Man: Oh, thank you, man.

♪ ♪

Close the door.

♪ ♪

Whoa, there.

Spencer's care package.

A bra sh*t?

He can see p*rn anywhere.

I encourage imagination.

Okay.

Get good angles.

[camera clicks]

[giggles]

[camera clicking]

It's good.

♪ ♪

f*ck it.

♪ ♪

[clears throat]

♪ ♪

[camera clicking]

[giggling]

Nice.

Okay. That's a good one.

[laughs]

Really good.

Okay. Uh, one more.

For cancer.

♪ ♪

[camera clicks]

♪ ♪

Jennifer?

You too?

What should we say?

Um... six out of ten?

I think I'm delivering seven.

Possibly eight?

Measured confidence. I like that.

Thank you.

[insistent knocking on door]

What's your problem?

What?

First, you give me cows.

Then you buy $10, 000 worth of chairs from my store...

$10, 000?

And then you f*ck Jordan's assistant?

Will you just...

Stop!

Just stop.

Okay, stop with the... the grand gestures and the... and trying to make me jealous.

It's not gonna work.

I'm not that girl anymore and nothing you do is gonna bring her back.

♪ ♪

Just stop.

♪ ♪

Holy sh*t. It worked.

What worked?

She's jealous.

Give me those papers.

We got to lock this Fallon girl in.

[moaning]

Oh, God!

[both moaning]

[both panting]

[chuckles]

[laughing]

Wow.

[sighs]

Oh, Jesus.

[sighs]

You want some water?

Uh-huh.

Yeah?

Yes, please.

Okay.

Thank you.

[sighs]

[phone buzzes]

[faucet running]

[faucet running]

Thanks.

[The First Edition's "Just Dropped In"]

Man: ♪ Yeah, yeah, oh, yeah ♪
♪ What condition my condition was in ♪

♪ ♪

♪ I woke up this morning with the sundown shining in ♪

♪ ♪

♪ I found my mind in a brown paper bag within ♪

♪ ♪

♪ I tripped on a cloud and fell-a eight miles high ♪
♪ I tore my mind on a jagged sky ♪
♪ I just dropped in ♪
♪ To see what condition my condition was in ♪
♪ Yeah, yeah, oh, yeah ♪
♪ What condition my condition was in ♪

♪ ♪