02x02 - Kessler Epstein Foundation

[bunniefuu]

(BANGING ON DOOR)

(GROANS)

All right!

What...

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Who is it?

It's Jamie Lee Curtis.

Who do you think it is?

(MOANS)

Hey.

(GASPS)

Billy, thank God. Where have you been?

What do you mean, where have I been?

I-I got a massage and I took a nap.

When did you get a massage?

Today.

Okay, what's today?

It's Tuesday.

No, Billy, it's Thursday.

What?

You've been sleeping for three days.

I slept for three days?

You slept for three days.

I slept for three days?

I was so worried about you!

You're worried? I'm worried. I slept for three days!

I'm gonna be one of those people who dies, and then no one comes to find you or check on you, until neighbors complain about the smell!

Not to put a point on it, but I don't think the body would start to smell at three days.

What?

That's... I think it would take at least five...

It just happened!

You're never gonna be left alone for that long.

I fell asleep for three days.

No one came till just now!

I got a massage and I took a nap!

Look, I know where this is going.

I think you should move in with me and Arthur.

No!

I'll shave the dogs.

No! Don't shave anything.

Ugh, I need a boyfriend.

But you have me and meaningless sex.

I know, but... (SIGHS) you have Arthur for when I'm not around.

I need someone for my non-Julie hangout time.

Someone to f*cking find me if I sleep for three days!

And wake me up, and if I'm dead, put me in a cuter outfit if need be.

Okay. I get it.

You want a boyfriend, we'll get you a boyfriend.

Thank you.

And I like that I'm not doing it because I'm emotionally ready.

Yeah, I like that too.

All right, let's... let's...

Yeah.

Go with me to get coffee and catch me up on everything that's happened.

Okay.

"American Comedy Story" got cancelled.

What? But Keegan made such a good Sinbad.

I know.

Oh, f*cking crowds!

(SIGHS)

Is the pope back in town?

She just can't stay away, can she?

Ugh, you know, I find if you just shove people, they never know that it's intentional.

Let's go this way. Here.

Barricade. All this construction.

f*cking condos... how many condos does one city need?

I know, right?

Sometimes I think we should move somewhere, like Boston or San Francisco.

(LAUGHTER)

Thank you so much for empowering this young woman today.

Thank you so much. Thank you.

Thank you!

Huh?

We need more escorts like you who won't let any crowd get in the way of reproductive freedom.

Safe and Legal women's clinic thanks you.

Huh?

Come on in.

We have a whole room full of baked goods just for volunteers.

I know it's a little early for a brownie.

Huh?

(DRIVING PUNK ROCK MUSIC)

Well, as far as swag bags go, this abortion clinic has the right idea.

This is $45 pomade.

I hope they give these gift bags to their patients too.

I feel like if you leave a little something behind, you should take something home, like...

"Leave a penny, take a penny," you know?

I like doing good, especially when it's by accident.

And you know what else: I bet charity people don't die alone.

Mr. Nathan Lane!

Oh, I love him.

Oh, he's a star.

It goes without saying.

What charity are you playing for?

Well, I'm playing for God's Love We Deliver in New York City!

We should totally volunteer there sometime.

Oh, we should do that!

Sometime.

Charity's, like, a really important part of being famous.

Oh, yeah, I mean, who needs a movie or TV show when you have a cause? (SNIFFS)

This pomade smells like sh*t.

What if we invented a charity?

Like Dan Savage did with It Gets Better.

I think he invented that with his hot husband.

Maybe if I invent a charity, I'll get a hot husband... maybe his.

That is a brilliant example because Billy, he has a f*cking TV show now.

And yes, many gay lives were spared in the process.

I don't know how many, you know...

Well, we'd have to ask...

both: Kevin Spacey.

Sure.

Yeah.

Our cause should be sad, but not too sad.

Yeah, like, it needs to have something fun people can do with it.

You know, like Ice Bucket Challenge or something.

That's it. That is brilliant.

We need to do our version of the Ice Bucket Challenge.

We can tag celebrities!

Yes!

Slam your bare breast in a refrigerator door.

I'm tagging you, Regina King! Ow!

Scotch tape your wrists together and pick up a slice of ham with your teeth.

(PLAYFUL MUSIC)

I nominate you, Barbra Streisand.

Put your foot in a hot toaster, William H. Macy!

Stand in a bathtub and hit yourself with a frying pan.

Don't let us down, Don Henley!

Make out with a garbage can, Tea Leoni.

♪ ♪

(SIGHS)

I am exhausted.

And we still don't have a cause or a cute video idea.

But we do have the desire to get famous and a husband by helping people, and that's what it's all about.

Well, the hokey pokey is what it's all about, but I don't have time to get into that right now.

I have a date night with Arthur.

Speaking of charity, I let him pick the movie once a year.

Honestly, that is so generous.

If I have a fictional husband, I would never let him pick the movie.

And he's gonna find me dead one day.

(UPBEAT MUSIC)

Jesus Christ, Arthur. I know it's date night, I know you're allowed to choose the movie, but this place? Really?

I f*cking hate this place.

These stupid armrests are like the size of breadsticks.

I can't fit my arms on these things.

I need space.

Oh, well, speaking of space...

No, I'm not moving into that apartment, okay?

I can't live near Central Park.

I'm too punk rock.

Says the woman who's seen Barbara Eden in concert four times.

You never know what you're gonna get with her!

It's more space, it's dog-friendly, and rent-controlled.

This apartment becoming available has been the only upside to Gwen Ifill suddenly and mysteriously fleeing the country.

Arthur, I'm at a revival house, okay?

This is the extent of my sacrifice for you.

Okay, how about this?

You don't have to do any moving yourself.

And I'll let you get a third dog.

Third dog, two cats, and the animals get the second bedroom.

You're not allowed to go in there.

The co-op board interview is this Saturday.

Fine.

Thank you again for this date night.

Ah, I've been waiting so long to see "Lorenzo's Oil" again on the big screen.

By the way, the answer to that word jumble is Ingrid Bergman!

Billy! You're okay!

Hi. Oh. Okay.

All right, well, hug's too long, but...

Hey, we thought you quit when you didn't show up for three days.

So we hired Lola.

Oh, quit? No, no, no.

I was just in a very deep sleep.

Yeah, like the rest of the country.

Lola. And yeah, I'm trans.

Oh. Okay.

Oh, is it "okay"?

Mr. Biological Essentialist?

Do I have your cis-gendered permission to be who I am?

And you know what else? Bush did 9/11 and jet fuel can't melt steel beams.

Well, now seems as good a time as any to have that conversation.

Yeah, I'm a trans truther, m*therf*cker.

Denise tells me you're a comedian.

Got any jokes about me?

No, no, no. No, I do not.

Please don't protest me. I'm an ally.

I know Jeffrey Tambor's niece. (LAUGHTER)

sh*t, Billy's still alive?

Oh, f*ck. Ah, well.

Don't bring around a cloud to rain on my love parade.

Tell them the news, Denise.

You tell them.

No, you.

Me? Okay.

Matthew's engaged!

I'm engaged!

Hey!

I'm engaged!

You're getting married? Jesus f*cking Christ.

Personally, I share Caitlyn Jenner's views on gay marriage.

Like Caitlyn Jenner, I'm gonna die alone surrounded by old Wheaties boxes.

I can't take this anymore. Something's gotta give.

Oh, like that Nancy Meyers movie.

You know, that is the only truthful depiction of the creative process I've ever seen?

I mean, who among us has never cried over a typewriter in the Hamptons while wearing summer layered whites?

Mm.

I have to do something bold.

I need to take risks.

I'm gonna ask out the next person that comes through that door.

Well, the next man that walks through that door.

Well, the next gay man who comes through that door.

Who's hot, and, you know, my type.

No.

Nooo.

Holy sh*t.

It's fate.

Hey. Uh, sorry.

I never do this. I'm Billy.

Would you want to go out sometime?

Better make that a table for three.

Oh, sh*t, I'm sorry.

No, no, no.

We're not dating.

I'm his interpreter.

Uh, this is Doug.

He's deaf.

And he says yes to dinner.

(ROCK MUSIC)

Jesus, Mom. This place is a mess.

I thought we had another good five years before we became Big and Little Edie.

Well, Esmerelda's working now for Aunt Bonnie, that traitorous bitch.

Now I have to find a new housekeeper.

Got to buy a metro card, take the A line all the way to the end.

That's how you found Esmerelda?

Yes, I got off at 207th street and then I grabbed the friendliest face I could find, but now with DeBlasio, who knows!

Inwood could be all condos.

I'm sorry about your terrible problem, but Arthur and I are applying for a new apartment, and I need I. D.

Do you have my birth certificate anywhere?

I don't know, honey. Look in the coupon folder.

Look at me, with my hand in the toilet, like some fool.

Oh, my God! That's it!

It's visual, it's humiliating... it's perfect.

What is perfect?

(PHONE VIBRATING)

I'm gonna take this so that you know what you're getting into.

Sorry.

Hey.

Billy! I figured it out.

What if we got people to send in videos of themselves sticking one hand in the toilet?

Yes. But no gloves.

And their right hand because it's the right thing to do.

I love it.

Watch out!

The Toilet Hand Challenge is about to take America by storm.

What did I raise?

I'm so sorry.

I'm like crazy into charity right now.

So is the proper protocol on a first date with a deaf guy that I pay for you and your interpreter, or just...

You're really funny.

Most hot guys don't have a good personality.

Well, I'd say the same thing about deaf guys, but you're my first.

I really like you.

I really like you too.

Sorry...

I really like you too.

So, is the best part about being deaf that you don't have to hear any Lady Gaga/Tony Bennett duets?

Whoo! Sorry, um...

I'm going to the bathroom.

You don't read lips, right?

No, of course not.

That's just a silly device they use on TV shows to make it easier on viewers.

Like a character talking to himself.

So you got cockblocked?

Yes.

And who knows what Mickey's telling Doug about me.

He could be representing me as a mediocre wit, or r*cist, or someone who watches "Dr. Who."

Ugh. Okay, meanwhile, let's focus on our careers.

What are we gonna do to launch the Toilet Hand Challenge?

No, I don't want to do "Kinky Boots."

Oh, look at these beautiful Bassets.

Hi, there.

Nathan Lane?

No f*cking way.

Yes f*cking way.

Oh, my God. This is it. This is a sign.

Nathan, we are such huge fans.

Crazy huge.

A gay guy and his best girlfriend are huge fans.

What are the odds?

(FORCED LAUGHTER)

Um, I have to ask you something so stupid.

Would you be interested in participating in a charity stunt that picks up where the Ice Bucket Challenge left off?

Oh, boy. Will I get to be on YouTube?

Mama, my dreams are comin' true!

(LAUGHTER)

And where do the profits go?

The...

Home... food...

Gods...

AIDS...

Deed...

Love...

The God's delivery service.

Wait.

God's Love We Deliver?

both: Yes!

Oh, well that's my charity. I just dropped off a check.

It's ours too. We love God.

We love food delivery.

Great.

So, Nathan Lane, will you go with us to a public restroom and record a video?

For charity? Of course I will.

all: Yeah!

So, uh, what do I say?

"I'm Nathan Lane"...

Yeah, I got that part.

And this is for the Toilet Hand Challenge.

Yeah, and then you stick your right hand in the toilet.

Because it's the right thing to do.

And after that, you challenge five of your most famous friends to do the same thing.

And please aim high, okay?

No Paul Reiser, Jesse Tyler Ferguson bullshit.

Oh, that's a good point.

You were a lot nicer in the park.

Um... oh, explain to me again: how does this make money?

both: We told you.

It's for God delivery.

It is for food.

(SIGHS)

And... action.

(SIGHS)

Hello. I'm Nathan Lane.

And... actually, cut. Cut.

Sorry, is there a problem?

Do you need a line reading?

No, I don't need a f*cking line reading.

This doesn't make any f*cking sense.

I followed two strangers into a public toilet, and based on personal history, that's never worked out.

Plus, I'm starting to feel sick, and my hand is going numb.

But... it's for charity, so...

So maybe you should be less selfish?

Maybe think about the charity.

I know.

I'll send a check. Listen.

You'll have to excuse me.

My husband is waiting for me at home.

What about the fact that I don't have anyone at home waiting for me?

Yeah.

I need you to do this so that I can have someone at home waiting for me.

That's not my problem.

That was rude.

You shouldn't have mentioned your husband.

Billy doesn't have a husband.

That was rude.

You people are not seeming to understand my point of view... I... we don't know each other. We're not friends.

It must be crazy that this isn't about you.

Yeah.

That must be a shock.

That's probably why you have a problem with it, is you're not the star of the show.

Yeah, put your hand in the toilet!

Listen, I have to go home!

I don't want to put my hand in the toilet!

You put your hands in the toilet!

We're not famous enough! That's the whole point!

Stick your hands in the toilet!

I'm not putting my hand in the toilet!

I'm filming!

We're not famous!

If we were famous, then...

Ah, f*ck you!

What an assh*le.

I saw "MouseHunt" in the theater, you schmuck!

Now Cassie, you say your OCD was at its worst when your husband left?

It got so bad I nearly scrubbed the surface off our tub.

Everything needed to be in its place.

So you wouldn't just clean, you'd organize?

Yes... I mean, even now, the slightest bit of disarray just eats away at me until I... fix it.

That sounds very painful, but I have an idea.

Cassie, I think it would be very beneficial to see your obsessive-compulsive cleaning behavior in action.

And this is therapeutic?

Absolutely.

Now, why don't we move our session into the kitchen, and why don't you give those cabinets a real once-over?

I think you're gonna feel a lot better.

Huh.

I agreed to go to this co-op board interview, but I did not agree to walk through Central Park to get there.

Oh, pollen count. It's lovely out.

So what? A walk without dogs is idiotic.

"Ooh, nature." f*ck you.

Okay, let's go over a few things we should say and not say at this interview.

I could talk about my charity.

Yes, perfect, good.

And that documentary I saw about the adult baby who strangled his lover with his own diaper?

Oh, damn it. I knew I forgot something.

The lover's safe word? It was "Ba-ba."

Anyway, now she's dead.

No, the wine.

We should bring something at the interview.

Well, there's a bunch of crap.

Why don't we just re-gift one of those bouquets or something?

Why is there all this sh*t around the "Alice in Wonderland" statue, anyway?

Uh, this is a shrine. PBS did a "Frontline" on this.

It's the 150th anniversary of "Alice in Wonderland."

Great, we'll take some of these flowers.

Oh, uh... (CHUCKLES).

Bell sleeve, I don't think you can...

Listen, this is a shrine to a fictional character.

This is a waste of flowers, and we need something for our co-op board, and besides, that Tim Burton movie was stupid.

Helena Bonham Carter's lips were way too small.

Lips too small, performance way too big.

This hurts no one.

O... kay.

Ah!

Oh, oh!

God, are you okay?

What the hell were you thinking?

You're under arrest for destruction of public property.

Yeah, that makes sense.

I can't believe with everything I've done in Central Park, you're the one that gets arrested.

What was the worst part?

When they weighed me.

But the judge was really nice. He gave me a choice between community service and jail time.

Mm, must be real nice to be white.

So I chose service. I'm gonna teach inmates.

I can't have a prison record if we're gonna get that apartment.

Right.

And besides, Arthur pulled all those strings to get us another interview.

I don't want to let him down.

In this particular way.

For a second time.

In the same week.

Matthew, Elmer, it's time to pick food for your engagement party... would you look at these two?

Hey, save some for your wedding night, you crazy kids!

All right, now here you go.

Daddy, we're going to gum food for our engagement party.

The first airplane goes "zoom, zoom"!

Mm!

And now the second airplane!

Z... z-z-z...

Mm! Yum, yum, yum, yum.

Third airplane goes right...

Into the Pentagon?

I don't think so, b*tches. That was a m*ssile.

And Tower Seven was brought down by a b*mb.

cr*ck a book, sheeple.

Doug. Sorry for just coming over.

I know that's a little creepy.

Woman: This app says what I write.

And writes what you say.

I'm glad you found me, Billy.

Oh, wow.

This is really cool.

Although it might put Mickey out of a job.

Speaking of, I'm a little concerned that Mickey doesn't always tell you everything that I say, and I really want you to like me.

Woman: Let's not talk about Mickey.

Now can I do something I've been wanting to do since I met you?

Yeah.

Woman: Suck my fat cock.

Whoa, whoa, whoa! No! No! No.

Woman: Choke on it, thirsty boy.

(LAUGHING)

I can't. I can't.

Woman: What's funny?

It's been a really long time since I've heard a female voice in this type of situation.

The whole thing's actually very weird.

Woman: So f*cking sorry.

I didn't mean to inconvenience you.

I'm so sorry. Let's do it again.

We can do it again.

Woman: My cock doesn't need to go slumming.

Get out of here.

You want me to go?

Woman: Did I stutter?

What?

'Cause of your phone?

I have to go 'cause of your phone?

Fine, I'll go. f*ck it.

f*ck everyone. f*ck your f*cking phone.

f*ck Steve Jobs, and f*ck Alexander Graham f*cking Bell.

I don't care.

(DOOR SHUTS)

Okay. The floor is done.

You missed a spot.

Well, you'll be back Friday.

I'm gonna get you more refills for the Swiffer too.

Actually, Dr. Kessler, I think our work here is done.

Excuse me?

Yeah.

At first, I was a bit skeptical of your treatment of my OCD.

It was almost like the opposite of exposure therapy.

That's what it is, it's anti-exposure therapy.

Well, it worked.

I'm all cleaned-out.

I don't ever want to touch another broom or tidy up another pile of coasters ever again.

I'm cured.

You can't stop therapy cold turkey.

There's a 6-8 week cool down period that's essential for your well-being.

Thank you for everything, Dr. Kessler.

Well, you're... you're making a big mistake.

A huge, huge... could you iron my shirts?

Esmerelda.

It's Marilyn. Hey.

Whatever that f*ck twat Bonnie is paying you, I'll pay you more.

Just barely more, but please come home now.

(SURF ROCK MUSIC)

Aw, I thought I was gonna meet some hardened criminals for my community service.

Nope. White collar criminals only.

Oh, well, that explains why I've seen at least three guys from Goldman Sachs that my mom used to try and set me up with.

So, this is our vocational program.

Right, yeah, no, they told me I was gonna be teaching inmates how to write TV recaps.

That's a skill you got? Sure.

But just so you know, whether or not these are white collar criminals, I am gonna sit backwards in a chair like Michelle Pfeiffer in "Dangerous Minds."

Knock yourself out.

Yes!

Remember, a recap is about the person who writes it.

An episode of television isn't the subject.

You are. Yes?

Can I recap a show that's cancelled, like "The Following"?

Yes, but make sure that you stick it to Kevin Bacon if you do, because he works too much lately.

It's not his fault... he has to take every role that's offered him since Bernie Madoff robbed him, but still.

Bernie's a real pig.

You should see him at breakfast.

Always takes a second milk.

f*cking prick.

Wait, Bernie Madoff is in this prison?

Yeah, he's my cellmate.

Can you get me five minutes with Bernie Madoff near a toilet?

I have to say, I can't think of a better couple for the building.

All your background checks are clear.

We just have to wait for one last board member to come and give his approval.

He's a bit under the weather...

(COUGHING)

Sorry I'm so late.

I was just...

Oh, my God.

It's you!

The toilet lady!

I'm sorry.

She is not to be allowed in this building!

You've heard of plague, pestilence, locusts?

Well, then there's this crazy bitch.

By the way, they're amputating my hand on Thursday.

Were you a righty or a lefty?

Get out of here!

(LIVELY ROCK MUSIC)

Everybody, everybody.

Time for a toast.

Marriage. It is a wonderful partnership.

I hope you guys are as happy as we are.

May your love shine as bright as the sun did on that fair September morn when George W. Bush pulled off the greatest scam in American history since the moon landing.

Wait, I want to say something.

Before I met Omer, I couldn't stand the taste of foreskin.

I...

Okay.

Cheers.

Oh!

Cheers everyone.

There was more, but okay.

Bernie: I'm Bernie Madoff, and I'm doing the Toilet Hand Challenge for the Kessler-Epstein foundation.

(DUNKING INTO WATER)

Both: Ah!

(LAUGHTER)

He did it! He did it!

This is gonna be so huge.

We have America's most famous villain representing our charity.

As soon as we upload this to the Internet, you and I are gonna be so f*cking famous, we're gonna have to wear baseball hats just to get iced coffee!

Hey, everyone! Shh!

Pat: Shocking news today from the entertainment world.

Tony and Emmy-award-winning actor Nathan Lane has d*ed from complications related to a rare disease humans get from touching toilet water.

In other entertainment news, David Blaine is no longer a celebrity.

Oh, no.

No one can see that video.

No one can see that video.

No. Never.

Do you understand that if people find out about this, we could be indicted for murdering Nathan Lane?

I can't go back to prison again!

Although, now that I think about it, on the bright side, maybe Bernie Madoff will die of Nathan Lane disease.

Oh, they won't even name the disease after us?

Aw!

Hi, Billy.

Hi.

Brought you these flowers.

Ooh, pretty deaf guy buys flowers at a store instead of stealing them, oh!

I'm not gonna interpret that for him.

Fair enough.

We wanted to say "Thank you."

After you told me what Mickey did, we talked about it, and decided that we can't really deny our feelings for each other.

So thank you, and love wins.

(LAUGHING)

Sorry.

Life is bullshit.

I know.

My apartment's as small as ever.

You're still single.

And we k*lled Nathan Lane.

f*cking charity!

♪ ♪