04x07 - Young & Bowling

[bunniefuu]

[gasps] Good morning, Josh.

Morning? It feels more like afternoon.

I've been up since 3:00 a.m. on a conference call to China, and now I'm all grumpy... Mmm!

A smoothie.

Good morning, Josh.

Mm. Can't talk, Sofia. Smoothie.

Gabi, a package came for you. It looked important, so I brought it right over. But don't worry, I did not open it.

Congratulations!

What?

How would I know? I didn't open it.

[gasps] Oh, my God!

I won the San Francisco Examiner's Recipe with Relatives contest, and there's a...

Five thousand dollar prize!

I opened it.

"In order to collect the prize money, you must submit a video of the two relatives baking together."

Oh well, there goes that. I submitted Aunt Chris's blueberry sour cream pie recipe.

Well, Gabi and her aunt are estranged.

Nup. I don't want to talk about it.

They haven't talked in like ten years, and now nobody knows where she is.

Give me her name. I'll find her in two seconds.

We live in a digital world, Gabi, and in that world, I'm a god!

I just told you, Josh, I don't want to talk about it.

As you can see, it's a touchy subject.

And even though $5,000 is like a million dollars to us, and it sure would be nice to be able to afford nice things, like two-ply toilet paper, I totally understand why she doesn't want to find Chris Zarckaedes, with a "Z."

[gasps] Sofia, what are you doing?

Gabi, it's just so sad. You guys were so close.

Yeah, until she abandoned my family and didn't even come to my mom's funeral.

I don't want to see her, I don't want to talk to her, I don't want to find her. [gasps]

Found her.

Oh, my God. She's alive? Where is she? I don't care.

Uh... It says there is a Chris Zarckaedes who plays on a bowling team called The Pin Crushers.

Oh, she did like to bowl, remember, Gabi?

She always used to say, "My mind is in the gutter, but my balls never are."

Hey, I just got that!

It says The Pin Crushers play right here in town.

Wait. My aunt's in San Francisco?

I don't care. Where does she play?

The Alley.

I don't care.

The one downtown or the one on Third? You know what? It doesn't matter, because I don't care.

Then why do you keep asking so many questions?

'Cause I kind of care.

[theme music playing]

♪ She in the spotlight ♪
♪ And she turn my head ♪
♪ She run a red light ♪
♪ 'Cause she bad like that ♪
♪ I like that ooh, baby, ooh, baby, baby ♪

Oh, my God. Did I forget about a dinner Josh is having tonight?

No, relax.

Josh said I could have my Gambler's Anonymous meeting here.

Wow, between that and Overeater's Anonymous, do you even know any of your friends?

[singsongy] Who's excited to go bowling?

[singsongy] Not me.

Well, you will be when I tell you this.

Bottomless pitchers for five dollars.

Uh, Sofia, I may be seeing my aunt I haven't seen in 10 years.

Do you think beer's gonna help me? I need tequila!

And look, check it out. I found these old photos of her.

Oh, you can really see the tattoo I picked out for her in that one.

Aw, it's a slice of pie with the words "Cutie Pie" around it.

Mm-hmm.

All right, I'm off to apply for jobs, just to see if I can get 'em.

Hey, uh, Gabi, good luck finding your aunt.

I'm proud of you. It's important to face your past.

Thank you.

Hey, do you want to come with us?

No. Never.

Never, never, never.

Josh doesn't do the bowling.

Why not?

It's too painful to talk about.

I was a bowling prodigy.

I was 12 years old, bowling better than men three times my age, I was scouted to go pro.

Could've been one of the greats, like Herman Lapuce.

(Both) Who?

The point is, I was great... bordering on legendary.

Okay, how is that painful? That sounds really good.

Good? It was epic.

Until tragedy struck.

I can't even talk about it.

It was the state finals.

It was the last frame, and I needed a strike to win, when Pam Dorsey, the prettiest girl in school, came up to me and she said... Josh, if you win that trophy, I'll be your girlfriend.

No!

Haven't been to a bowling alley since then.

Never want to relive that part of my life again.

I'm sorry. W-w... Didn't you just say it was important to face your past?

Oh, your past, not mine.

Why do I have to face my past if he's not gonna?

Uh, because we have $5,000 on the line.

I don't care. If he's not going, I'm not going.

Well, I guess neither one of us is going.

What? No, no, no. Josh, you have to be supportive. Okay?

Gabi hasn't seen her aunt in 10 years.

This is the last connection she has to her mom. How could you not go?

Well, when you put it that way, I guess my only option is... to be a hero.

Yolanda!

Hi, Elliot!

I-I-I thought you went home.

I thought you were hosting your Gambler's Anonymous meeting.

Uh, I am! Um...

I would introduce you to everybody, uh, but it's anonymous.

Okay, fine you caught me. It's a damn poker game.

You happy?

I will be, when I have a drink in one hand and your paycheck in the other.

Deal me in.

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

It's not strip poker, is it?

No!

Good. I'm willing to risk my money, not my eyesight.

[bowling pins clatter]

Oh, boy. Here we are.

[sniffs]

The smell of the shoes, the glare of the neon, it's all coming back to me.

Hey, I'm gonna go throw up.

Oh, there they are, the Pin Crushers.

Oh, thank God! They're all guys.

I don't have to face my past. Let's go.

Hold it. Not that one. Look at her.

She's blonde and she looks like she could abandon her family for no reason.

Chris? Chris Zarckaedes?

[singsongy] Hello!

[gasps]

Oh, hello.

Are you talking to me?

Oh, we were.

Until you were black.

Excuse me?

Oh, oh, no, no, no. It's nothing like that, you know. I'm brown, I'm down.

No, no. We're looking for someone who's, ah, related to this super blonde, super white girl.

Did I hear you say Chris Zarckaedes?

Yeah.

He's right there.

Oh. You're Chris Zarckaedes?

Gee, thanks. You sound like my blind date last night.

Oh, I'm sorry.

We're just looking for someone who has your same name, but you're definitely not her because, you, sir, are a man.

And you are in my way.

I hate to be rude, but I have a big tournament tomorrow, and I got to get a few frames in here. So...

Okay, um, I'm sorry.

Let me just get out of your way.

Okay! Okay.

[gasps] Cutie Pie?

Cutie pie.

Hey.

I'm sorry that woman wasn't your aunt.

Yeah, but I think that man might be.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God!

Gabi, calm down.

Just because his name is Chris Zarckaedes and he has a blueberry pie tattoo that says "Cutie Pie" on his left arm, doesn't mean...

Holy crap! That man is your aunt.

That man is my aunt.

That man...

[whispers] is my aunt.

Actually, I think he's your uncle now.

[gasps] That man who was my aunt is now my uncle.

Mm!

Seven ten split on lane six.

It's a tough break.

Are you gonna rent the shoes or not?

Oh, no. No, no, no.

I gave up dancing with the pins a long time ago.

What's my story, you ask?

Did you ever hear of a young bowler named Josh "King of the Turkeys" Kaminski?

Nope.

Some say he could've been the best.

Tragically, his career was cut short.

Let me guess.

He was a loser kid that sucked at everything but bowling and choked when it was all on the line?

So you have heard of him.

Okay. I'm gonna go talk to him. I'm ready.

Not ready yet.

I get it. You know, you're freaking out because your aunt is now your uncle.

No, no. I am surprised that my aunt is now my uncle, but I'm freaking out because before my aunt was my uncle, she completely abandoned our family, and I always had this fantasy that if I ever saw her again, I would hug her or I would punch her or I would do both, but now, I am so confused, I don't know what to do.

Well, what's your heart telling you to do?

It's telling me that I should go over there and talk to him and connect with him and tell him who I am.

Then do it.

Okay.

I'm gonna do it. Except one more thing.

Hi. Can we get another pitcher, please?

Whoa, Elliot. You've lost a lot of chips.

[gasps]

Maybe you're right.

This is probably my last hand.

I might as well put in all my chippies.

I'll raise 200.

But I put in all my chippies!

Looks like you have to fold.

No!

Uh... uh...

I call!

Your wedding ring?

Damn, this is getting good!

What you got?

Straight flush.

Queen high, and I'm not just talking about my cards, what!

Unbelievable.

I know.

I won! I won!

Not so fast, Queenie!

Straight flush. King high, or as I like to call it, "King, hey!"

Oh, my God, my ring!

You mean, my ring?

Look, Yolanda, I can't lose my ring.

Alan will k*ll me.

Aw, as wonderful as that might sound...

[singsongy] you're not getting it back.

Yolanda, please. I'll do anything.

Fine. I'll give it back to you, if you do all my work for one week.

You mean drink scotch and pretend to vacuum?

Done!

Hi, I'm back.

I see that.

Don't you want to know why I'm back?

Not really. Like I said, we're in the middle of practice.

Okay, got it. I'll talk fast.

My name's Gabi Diamond, my mom's name is Sarah.

Well, I grew up in Florida, and moved to San Francisco to pursue my dream of being a chef, which was inspired in part by baking with my aunt as a child.

So much so that I entered her blueberry sour cream pie recipe in a contest and won $5,000, which I would really like to share with my aunt if you would just tell me that you are him.

Excuse me, my buddies are waiting for me.

Cool, cool, cool. So, here's the thing...

I saw your tattoo... your "Cutie Pie" tattoo?

I was with you when you got it, and I don't mean to make you uncomfortable, but I was so angry at you, and now that I've seen you, I just miss you. Don't you miss me too?

What I'm missing is my turn.

You can't take your turn without your ball.

Are you serious?

Just tell me you're my aunt.

[sighs] Give me my ball.

Tell me you're my aunt.

Give me my ball.

Tell me you're my aunt!

I'm your aunt!

They don't know?

That there's ants!

Ants, ants, everywhere! [gasps]

Oh, my God, they're on the ball! Eww!

Aah! Aah! Aah!

Oh, my God, I'm sorry.

I'm so sorry, Uncle Chris.

Did you hear that? Uncle Chris!

Oh, Gabi, don't look so down.

Why not? I ruined the one chance I had to reconnect with my uncle.

And then I dropped a bowling ball on his foot and I broke his toe.

I made a mess of everything.

[knocking]

Not everything.

Oh, my God! You contacted Uncle Chris and you told him how horrible I felt and now he's here to patch things up with me.

Not quite.

But Lil' So-So don't let go of five Gs without getting some backup.

We may not have your aunt, but we have an aunt.

Meet Sigourney Simone, regional theater actress.

My headshot and... [rolls "R"] résumé.

Really, Sofia? You think we can just hire someone to play my aunt?

Not just someone. You're talking to the thespian who recently played the role of "Confused Older Woman" in a Life Alarm ad.

My line was, "I've fallen, and I can't remember my name."

I'm sorry. It was last minute, on Craigslist.

So, what can you tell me about the role of Aunt Chris?

Well, first of all, I don't do this.

You're Aunt Chris?

This could be my greatest role yet!

Well, thank you so much, Sigourney.

W-we'll have our people call your people.

Oh, if my manager sounds like me, don't let it confuse you.

Okay. Uh... So, I'm gonna take down that ad and give you two some privacy.

Uncle Chris, what are you doing here?

I didn't like the way things ended between us.

You know, with me spending four hours at urgent care and all.

I'm so sorry about your foot, but after I almost outed you, I guess I was just trying to "in" you.

And I'm sorry, but after 10 years, I had a lot to say.

I get it.

Do you?

Yeah. I left without saying goodbye, and you're mad about it.

Mad? [laughs]

Yeah, yeah, I'm mad.

I mean, I get that you wanted to move away and start a new life, but you didn't have to cut me out of it!

My mom was sick and you disappeared from her life.

And you didn't even come to her funeral. How could you not come to her funeral?

I was there.

No, you weren't. I looked all over for you.

Really? We're you looking for this?

Good point.

I sat in the back.

Had I come as the new me, we would have had another funeral the next day for your grandfather.

Believe me, I wish I had spent more time with your mom before she passed away.

I regret it every day.

You look so much like her.

Oh, thanks.

You don't.

You know how many times that I've looked you up on Facebook?

How many times I've almost knocked at your door?

Well, why didn't you?

[sighs]

Because it was hard.

This whole thing...

You think it's easy to just tell people?

It changes the way they look at you forever.

Not me.

Yeah, right. Like you haven't been sitting here, trying to picture me without this beard the whole time I've been here.

I think you look really good with a beard.

I take after Grandma!

I missed you, Gabi.

I missed you, Uncle Chris.

And I'm very sorry about your toe.

I forgive you, but my teammates aren't gonna.

The Pin Crushers are gonna have to forfeit the tournament tomorrow without me.

(Sofia) Not if you agree to do the video for the contest!

We happen to know an amazing bowler!

You haven't changed a bit, Sofia.

(Sofia) You have!

[singsongy] Josh!

Guess what time it is.

Smoothie o'clock for the best bowler in San Francisco.

Why did you say bowler?

Because I really need you.

The answer is no.

And there's nothing you can say that's gonna make me feel...

Gabi. Look, you don't understand.

Okay, I know this might sound silly to you, but that day I lost in the state finals was one of the worst days of my life.

Before that, I was this fun, outgoing kid. And when I lost, I became so insecure, I just locked myself in my room and played on my computer all day.

Yeah, and look how well that turned out for you.

What are you talking about?

Josh, look around!

You're a huge, successful millionaire!

Okay? And... and do you ever think maybe if you were happy and secure back then, you would have all of this?

And a personal chef who's willing to make you a smoothie night or day... and is a friend who really needs you.

[sighs]

[hoarsely] Smoothie.

Missed a spot.

[knocking on door]

I'll get it.

I know!

Hey, Sweetie. Ready for lunch?

I'll be right out.

Yolanda, can I borrow my ring, just for lunch?

I would... but I don't wanna!

Fine. I'll be back in an hour.

Thanks for pressing the button for me.

My hands are so tired from... hand stuff.

Since when do your hands get tired from hand stuff?

I knew it! You're not wearing your wedding ring!

I can explain.

You don't have to. I know why.

You do?

That cheap fake ring turned your finger green.

Let me explain.

When you went swimming in Hawaii and asked me to hold onto your ring, I was so distracted by the different blintz toppings at the buffet, I lost it.

And I didn't have enough money to replace it, so...

I got you a cheap knockoff. I'm so sorry.

You know what, honey?

It's gonna take a while, but eventually I'll forgive you.

I'm glad you told me the truth.

[elevator dings]

Me too. The lies were k*lling me.

It's really true what they say: the truth will set you free.

You have no idea.

So, where's the famous bowler you said could fill in for me?

Ah, he's coming. I hope. I used my charm.

Uh-oh.

[gasps] He's here.

The King of the Turkeys... is back!

You faced your fears, Gabi.

Maybe it's time I faced mine.

Maybe it's time you stopped talking like Batman.

Sorry, I can't hear you.

Destiny's calling.

[pins clattering]

[cheering]

Wait. What's happening?

Well, now we're down by a strike.

Which is kind of ironic 'cause that's what we were down by in the state finals when I totally blew it, but I'm not thinking about that. [laughs nervously]

I know you can do it, Josh!

I don't know if he can do it.

Here we are, old friend.

[whispered] Not too many people get a second sh*t, but here we are, we got one.

Roll strong.

Roll true.

Why is that fool talking to his ball?

He's not gonna do something freaky with it, is he?

I don't know. He did take it into the bathroom.

Yes! We won! We won!

We won! We won!

Thank you, Cutie Pie.

Any time, Uncle Chris.

You were amazing!

Finally, redemption.

Really? I thought after you faced your fears, you were gonna stop talking like that. No, it's fine!

A two hour lunch. What the hell were you thinking?

But, you don't have time to answer that.

Just get this place in shipshape.

Josh is on his way home.

Yolanda!

You want this ring?

You best make that vacuum sing.

I've got one for you.

Kiss my ass, that ring is brass.

Say what?

Turns out, Alan lost the real one in Hawaii.

Oh-ho-ho! Oh-ho-ho!

Happy cleaning, bitch.