01x08 - Mother Trucker

[bunniefuu]

So there's Dottie, she's the oldest, then there's Lottie... the troublemaker.

And finally there's Barb, she's kind of shy, but real smart.

Curtis, I didn't even know you had three daughters.

Daughters? Those my girlfriends.

Pastor Johnson?

Oh, I'm sorry, I did not mean to interrupt.

I have some top secret info that I obtained from my "C.I."

Oh, "Church informant."

Well, as you know, Saturday is the Parade of Churches.

Uh... parade of what now?

Parade of Churches... it's a lovely spectacle for others to see.

Pastor, it's been on the calendar all year.

Oh, well, unfortunately...

Saturday's not gonna work for me.

I'm going to the premiere of Slap Fighter 3...

The Legend of the Slap Master.

Agh!

Oh! That's the one where the man kicks the head... off of the other one's body.

I can't wait to hear that.

Yeah, that's been on my calendar all year, too.

See it right there?

Oh, Pastor Johnson, your sense of humor, it just... it really tickles me sometimes.

Anyway, my C.I. informed me that last year's winner... is doing a Noah's Ark float this year, with real animals.

This means we have got to step up our build!

Build? Why don't you just use the same one you used last year?

Not sure why we keep losing.

(RUMBLING)

What on earth...

Hold on to your butts.

Hot damn! Give your mom a hug!

Ma, it's been a while!

Wow!

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

I really love what you did with the place, Ma.

Thank you.

These seat massagers are strong and unusually centralized.

You're welcome. You know, when your Uncle Wayne told me... that you was preachi" and daughterin'...

I thought bull[BLEEP]!

And I'd just come see it for myself!

Can't wait to meet my lil' angel.

Well, there she is. Hey, let me go talk to her first.

Takes her awhile to warm up to new folks.

She's pretty.

What are you doing here? And whose semi did you steal?

Well, you see, my mom dropped by unexpectedly... and she insisted on meeting you.

But I know you're not good with surprises and it's sudden...

Wait, that's my grandma?

Hi, baby.

No way.

Oh! Look at you! Oh!

(TRUCK HORN HONKS)

[DALE] You said you special ordered the right size!

I told you I have a big foot.

You just lost a customer.

24EE... and that's too small?

That's a sizeable foot, Dale.

Ruthie, why don't you stay and have dinner with us tonight?

Oh, no, your grandma, I'm sure she's got...

Eh-eh! Dinner? You bet your sweet ass!

I could use a home-cooked meal.

Well, if you're gonna stick around... just take it easy on the road stories.

Debbie's a tough one to please.

I'm not sure you two will get along.

Ruthie, you are such a riot! My God, I love your mom!

Thank you!

Okay, here's cheers to my grandbaby, my grandbaby-mama... and my handsome son, mm-hm.

Ma!

Okay, now, you gotta tell us what Vernon was like as a kid.

I'm sure he was a real pain in the ass.

Nah, you don't want to hear that boring old stuff.

Oh, yes we do.

Oh, yes we do.

Oh, yeah, wait 'til you hear.

Okay.

Vernon here... he loved art class.

No kidding! Charlotte did, too.

I bet not as much as lil' Vern.

Vernon, is there something you need to say to Miss Lewis?

How about a second coat?

Steak-umm? Why didn't ya tell me we were having guests?

I would've put my socks on.

Um, this is Ronnie... he lives here, too.

Ronnie, this is Vernon's lovely mom.

Oh, Vernon's ma... I bet he was a real pain in the ass, huh?

Not as much a pain in the ass as you're about to have.

Whoa, lady.

I'm just kidding you.

Look at him!

Ooh!

Walt (V.O.): 24EE... that's a sizeable foot, Dale.

And that's too small?

Dale (V.O.): I told you, I have a big foot.

You just lost a customer.

This ends now.

This good a cook and this good-looking?

You let a really good one get away this time, Vern.

And she's got great taste, too!

I have got to make you my famous home-cooked chicken someday.

Why, I'd love that.

Well, how 'bout this week?

Does that mean you're sticking around?

Course it does!

You are?

Well, don't be silly, I just met my grandbaby.

How can I leave, gotta teach her how to drive my truck?

That'd be amazing.

You know, I could teach you on the road, if you wanna... come with on my next haul to New York City.

Really?

I bet you'd love it there.

That's great. Uh, Charlotte... could I speak with you outside just for a quick second?

Dude, Ruthie is so freaking cool.

You're so lucky she's your mom.

Yeah, she's something, all right.

I'm glad you two are hitting it off, but I kinda gotta give... you a head's up about something with her.

You know, she's got a way of winning people over... but then she also sorta has a way of disappointing people.

Hmm, that's a little ironic coming from you.

[RONNIE] Your arm rose off the table!

He thought he could b*at me arm wrestling... but he thought wrong! Baby Arms!

Great work, people! We are so gonna win this year!

What in the hell is that?

Mrs. Johnson! Hi! How do you like our float?

It's "Jonah and the Whale"... obviously.

What do you think?

Well, I think you might as well quit now... because that looks like [BLEEP]!

Ma!

What?

Well, you wanna win a float competition?

You gotta go big, baby, or you go home!

And if I remember my Bible stories correctly...

Jonah was swallowed by a whale not some little [BLEEP] minnow.

If you're gonna make a whale, baby, ya gotta go big!

And I mean big, big!

We appreciate your spirit, ma'am, but this is about... the biggest-sized float my tractor can pull.

I drive a rig for a living, and there ain't nothin'...

I can't pull, so we can just build that sucker... right on my flatbed!

Aw, Ma, that's awful kind of you, but Saturday's just... around the corner, so I don't think we need to be trying...

Let's do it!

Let's do it! Let's band together!

She's right, if we all band together, we can pull this off!

What do you say? Who's with me? You? You?

Yeah! Yeah!

The good guy's with us.

Let's do it!

(MUSIC PLAYING)

I'm about to embark on a dangerous mission.

If I don't make it back alive... my only request is to have a simple, humble funeral... and then to have my remains sh*t into space.

(MUSIC CONTINUES)

We're buildin' one.

There... there it goes.

Yeah, you definitely got a better thing...

Vernon!

What the hell are you doing here?

Look, man, since you dumped me, I lost everything.

Everything! Daddy even took the keys to the RV back.

I'm livin' out of a station wagon, Vernon.

It doesn't even have a proper bathroom.

I'm forced to pee into a Gatorade bottle.

I need you to let me be your manager again.

You asked me to take a dive for the King.

How could I ever trust you again?

What? I trust you!

Trust fall, hm?

Goodbye, Starman.

Oh, no.

You'll pay for this, Vernon Brown.

Hey, ma? Can I talk to you for a second?

What's up?

Hey, I'm really glad you decided to stick around and help out.

And Charlotte really seems to be having fun with you.

She's a helluva girl.

Ah, good job, everybody!

We are definitely gonna win it this time!

Still looks like [BLEEP].

Well, at least it's a big piece of [BLEEP].

Pastor Johnson, I just want to thank you so much... for all of your help and for bringing Ruthie around.

Here's your Jonah costume.

What's that? A dress?

It's a tunic, not a dress.

Now, Jonah can wear that tunic... or he can wear the Technicolor Dreamcoat... but I'm not one to rewrite the Bible.

I'll take the tunic.

Okay.

[VERNON] Thank you.

She isn't coming.

What?

"Dear Charlotte, I got a high-dollar haul I couldn't pass up.

Have fun with the parade and [BLEEP].

I left you some of my famous chicken.

Follow your mother freakin' dreams. Love, Ruthie."

So, no semi to pull the float means we're screwed.

Hey everybody, so unfortunately, something came up...

Ruthie had to cancel.

That means we're gonna lose again. Damn it!

I'm sorry.

Kind of a bummer no one's gonna take charge... and try and save the day, huh?

Yeah, I know, right?

Hey, hold on a second!

I mean, we may not have a semi... but I got my trusty blue cruiser here and you know what?

That baby's got 500 pounds of torque... nearly 300 horses at the wheel.

Anybody else thinkin' what I'm thinkin'?

Duct tape it to the top of the Caddy! Right?

I mean, am I crazy or what?

There you go! That ought to do it.

Great work, pastor. You did it!

We all did it. We looked adversity straight in the face..

And we said, "You can die and go straight to hell adversity!"

Amen!

Amen!

Now get on out of here.

You're gonna want a good seat... when our first-place float goes cruising by.

Here you go, Hot Rod.

Wait, you want me to drive?

Yeah, figure now's as good a time as any... to get in a good driving lesson.

It's probably the worst... but I'll never turn down an opportunity to drive.

Hey, just promise you'll be real careful.

I don't want anything happening to my baby girl.

See, that'd be kind of sweet... if you weren't talkin' about your car.

(MUSIC PLAYING)

Yeah!

Who is this blowhole cut out for, babies?

It obviously wasn't made for somebody with my muscular frame.

Let's get this show on the road.

Ah, so I don't matter huh, Vernon?

Well, screw your little parade!

(MUSIC CHANGES)

(SIZZLING)

(FLIES BUZZING)

I made some frittata.

You...

No... here.

Happens all the time.

Frittata in the moustache.

Thank you.

That trap back there, what kind of knot was that?

Monkey fist.

That might have been it.

My dad tried to teach me that knot when I was a kid... but then he d*ed.

Sorry to hear about that. My dad wasn't around much, either.

You know, now I don't even have pictures of him.

The ones I do have are real blurry and far away.

Well... more frittata?

Sure, that'd be great.

Yeah, eat up.

Ah, yeah, nothing like being on the open road!

You're doin' great, by the way, honey!

(HORN HONKING)

Hey, what the hell?

(HONKING CONTINUES)

Step on it, baby!

Vernon Brown... funny running into you here.

Ah... hold up here. Why the hell do you have a harpoon g*n?

Because the dude at your sporting goods store... said I had to wait seven days in order to buy a handgun.

So consider this a parting gift, or should I say de-parting gift.

De-parting, because I'm gonna k*ll you with it.

I understand the pun, but I just don't find it amusing... under the circumstances.

Well, they say that laughter is the best medicine, Vern.

Probably not for a puncture wound, though, huh?

Step on it, baby!

Son of a bitch!

(MUSIC PLAYING)

Whoo!

I don't understand. That is the Brennan County School... for Delinquent Teens marching band.

Our float is supposed to be between them and the Shriners.

Where the fudge is Pastor Johnson?

(MUSIC PLAYING)

What are you doing? We're in the middle of a high speed chase!

Mommy, is Jonah gonna die?

No.

Dad, are you okay?

What did you say?

[CHARLOTTE] Are you okay?

No, the part before that.

Now slow down, Starman. Give me a chance to say my peace.

You got 'til the light turns green.

You spent the last few years doing two things... one, ripping me off!

You noticed.

And two... helping me to reach my dreams.

Do what it is I love to do, perform.

Hey, you ever thought about it?

Maybe it's a good thing you did lose everything.

'Cause now that frees you up... to do what it is that you truly love to do.

What is it you've always wanted to do... you never got to do, Starman?

No one's really ever asked me that before.

I mean, when I was a kid, I always dreamed of being... an orthopedic surgeon for exotic birds.

Yeah, well, I'm not really sure that is a thing, but if it is...

I say go for it, man!

You know what? I finally realize why it is they call you Starman.

It's not 'cause you make men stars.

It's because you were born to be a star... man.

I am so sorry that I tried to sh**t you... in the face with a harpoon g*n.

It ain't the first time.

You are a great man.

And maybe someday, if the stars align... our paths will cross again.

Okay, see you later, man!

Dale (V.O.): My dad wasn't around much, either. I don't even have pictures of him. The ones I do have are real blurry and far away.

Damn, looks like we missed the parade.

Sorry about that and sorry about your grandma.

No, it's cool.

If she wouldn't have ditched town, I might not have gotten... to see your crazy ex-manager try to harpoon you.

That mean you had fun?

Maybe. Hanging out with you is certainly never boring.

Hey, I gotta go apologize to these guys. You gonna be okay?

Yeah.

Be right back.

Hey, guys, sorry I missed the parade. I took a wrong turn.

It's over? you guys gotta tell me these things.

I know how bad you wanted to win.

Well, the Lord truly does work in mysterious ways.

Laura Beth... did you steal that?

It turns out that First Methodist has been hiring... the Rose Bowl guys to build their floats all these years.

They were disqualified. Isn't that great!

I still don't understand how we won... if we didn't have a float in the parade.

Oh, I showed the judges a picture of the whale... that I had on my phone.

They said it looked good enough and they were "over it"... and they just wanted to go have lunch.

So, we're gonna go back to the rectory for some celebratory... punch and some refreshments, maybe some scones. Who knows?

That's awesome! All right.

Whoo!

Anyway, you kids don't get too wild now, have fun.

Thanks, thank you.

I'm proud of you.

Thank you, Pastor Johnson.

Lord have mercy.

Well, now that that's over, I got the rest of the day free.

I know Ruthie promised you a trip to New York... so if you like, maybe I could drive you instead.

I mean, especially since now you call me "Dad" and all.

I have no idea what you're talking about.

Aw, how'd you find that?

It wasn't too hard, because it was so obviously placed... on the driver's seat for me to find.

The worst part was trying to get it through the blow hole.

Mm, always is. You gonna listen to it?

I'll put it in my queue.

Be sure and check out track three.

Duly noted.