04x08 - Young & Sofia

[bunniefuu]

Woman on phone: You are a warrior.

I am a warrior.

Woman on phone: You are a goddess.

I am a goddess.

[Elevator dings]

[Phone rings]

A goddess who's really nervous, and really should've worn more antiperspirant.

Hi! [Clears throat] I'm Sofia Rodriguez.

Uh, I'm here to meet with Logan Rawlings for the assistant position.

I'm a little early.

Yeah, well, I'm a week late.

You're scheduled to meet her after the staff meeting, so, much like my diet... you're gonna have to wait.

That's... no problem at all. I am an excellent waiter.

In fact, if I don't get this job, I might have to be one.

[Phone rings]

[Elevator dings]

Is Logan here yet?

No.

She's not here yet, right?

Cool.

[Panting]

She here yet?

No.

Oh, thank God. Ooh.

Hi. Who are you?

Oh, hi. Um, I'm Sofia, I'm here to meet with...

[Snaps fingers] Logan Rawlings for the assistant position. Yeah, the blazer gave it away. It says, "I'm serious, but...

I'll still get drinks with Leo."

Who's Leo?

That's me!

Oh.

Leo Woods. Nice to meet you.

News editor. Logan poached me from The New York Times because of my fearless exposés.

She's here!

Oh, God!

[Elevator dings]

CJ? There's a BMW parked in my spot.

Have it crushed into a cube.

Hello, how was everyone's weekend?

[Employees respond]

Oh, who am I kidding? I don't care.

What I do care about is the graffiti artist, Rooster.

So... what do we know?

Well, just that he's the most talked-about underground artist right now, but nobody knows his true identity.

Last night he tagged his first mural in San Francisco in Dolores Park.

Yeah, I already know that. The problem is, every news media outlet is trying to get an exclusive with him, but we're gonna get there first.

Look, there's a reason why we're the fastest-growing media site in the country.

Because I hired the best of the best.

That's you!

Now, go get me Rooster! Go, go, go!

Oh, finally, my coffee.

Ooh.

Ugh! Why is there sugar in here?

Uh, actually because that's my coffee, see it says "Sofia." Right there.

Um... I'm actually here to interview for your assistant.

Yeah, ah, my dream is to be a journalist, and I've been following your career since you left San Francisco Monthly to start Clikd, your media empire and my favorite website.

One question. Would you k*ll for me?

What?

If BuzzFeed had an exclusive that I wanted, would you k*ll for me?

No? Oh, because it would be traced back to us. [Chuckles]

I'd do one of the three "B's"... bribe, blackmail or blow.

Oh, their cover.

Interesting, Maria.

It's Sofia.

Whatever, we're done.

[Phone rings]

Gabi, what are you doing up here?

Oh, hey! I was in the lobby waiting for you, but somebody said there was a free cereal bar up here, so...

Hey, so, how'd it go?

Well, I definitely made an impression.

I just don't know if it was a good one or a bad one.

Oh, great. Hey, who'd you do an impression of?

Gabi, I want this job so Ba-aad.

I mean, this could be my stepping stone to me having my own media empire and one day somebody answering my phones.

Mm-hm.

[Phone rings]

That's my phone. Aw, it's Clikd. It's Clikd, it's Clikd!

Answer it!

[Phone ringing]

Hello? Oh, it's not Maria, it's Sof... mm-hm.

Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

Okay, thank you.

Aww. Hey, it's okay.

You know, I didn't want to say anything before, but... like no one has ever heard of this website, and Logan is like a total bi...

I got the job!

[Gasps] Oh, my God!

You got the coolest job ever!

[Both screaming]

Yay!

[Sofia squealing]

[Elevator dings]

Hello, co-workers!

Just got my badge, I am official!

Oh! Hey! Congratulations!

Hi.

I wasn't, like, waiting for you right here or anything.

Thank you. I was so nervous, when I went downstairs to get coffee, I grabbed the wrong one!

Who the hell's Zoey?

[Laughs]

It's okay. Nobody likes her.

Uh, do you want me to show you where your desk is?

Oh. Isn't it... right there?

It is. Look at you.

Looks like my job is done.

And when yours is, I was thinking that maybe we could grab some drinks.

Oh... actually... see, my roommate Gabi started dating a guy she works with, and it's a total disaster, so, actually, I have a policy that I don't do that.

Yeah.

Even if there's a hot, hot guy and I am totally single.

Hey, Kendrick. Entertainment news.

Hi.

All right, everybody. Just got off the phone with Big Sean, who gave me a lead as to who Rooster might be, so it looks like... we have a winner.

Yeah, we do.

Because my contact at Sotheby's... got me information that I'm sure will be better than yours.

So, looks like I will be, in fact, the winner.

I have a Pulitzer, so...

It's his only friend besides his mom.

[Laughs]

Assistant, follow me.

Good morning!

We don't assume my morning's good.

Sorry.

And don't apologize.

It's a weak move. Makes me look weak by association.

[Snaps finger] Show some confidence.

Noted. Oh.

Uh, I just wanna say it is a real honor to work for such a strong woman.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, lucky you. Here's the deal.

Answer my phone on the second ring, the first seems too desperate.

Each night email me my next day's schedule, oh, and on Fridays I have a court-mandated anger management class, so... you need to be there by 6:00.

Done.

Hey, Logan, these came for you.

I don't get it.

You get flowers after a date, and I wake up stuck to a beanbag chair in a frat house.

[Sighs]

They're gorgeous!

Read me the card.

[Clears throat]

"Congratulations on being honored tonight at the Digital Media Awards.

"You are light, you are love, you are Logan."

That's so profound.

Wait, uh... nobody signed it.

Ah, who-who sent these?

Me!

I sent them to myself.

It just makes me feel better about not having a date to the awards dinner.

You know, for some reason, women are so intimidated by me.

My great job, my Michelle Obama arms... and God knows how many journalism awards.

92.

So, um... do you want me to go with you or...?

[Laughs] Oh, no... I date girls with pictures on the side of buses, not ones who ride in them.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God!

What?

Okay, so, in prepping for this job, I made a list of all the hot lesbians I know.

How would you like to go to the awards show with... neurosurgeon, marathon runner, and semi-pro golfer Whitney Harper?

She sounds ugly.

Yet looks amazing.

I'm gonna call her right now 'cause... you know, I got your back, I got your front, and I got...

Will you just call her?

Yeah.

Hey, guys.

Hey.

We're havin' a late night book club meeting.

Gabi: Hm.

What are you reading?

The labels on the wine.

Hey, how was your first day?

Let's just say, I did something that will guarantee I work at Clikd for many, many years.

Oh, you slept with Logan.

Close. I set her up with power lesbian Whitney Harper.

Don't you mean "Whip Me Harder"?

[Laughs] What are you talking about?

[Angrily] What are you talking about?

She's known for being kinky.

She wines and dines women, then takes them home, and goes 50 Shades of Gay on 'em.

What?

Girl, relax. It's a first date.

Yeah, they're not gonna hook up.

Yeah, not everyone's like Gabi.

[Phone rings]

Oh, my God. [Sighs]

Hi, Logan.

I'm in a cage.

[Sofia panting] Oh!

Oh, my God, Logan. I had no idea.

I have never been so humiliated!

I don't know who I hate more, you, or that crazy bitch you set me up with.

Did you bring the bolt cutters?

Yes. Just out of curiosity, what led you getting in...

Oh, just open the frickin' cage!

Right. Right. Aha! Ha! [Laughs]

Uh! All right, let's get you out here...

Get away! Get away!

[Sighing]

Thank you.

You're fired!

What, what? No. Look, I realize you're upset, but you have to give me another chance.

No, I don't.

But, ah, I'll do anything. Um...

[Gasps] I'll-I'll find you Rooster!

You? Ha! You can get me Rooster?

Am I not Sofia Maria Consuela Rafaella Rodriguez?

I have no idea.

Ha, but if you can somehow get me an exclusive by Friday, you can keep your job.

Thank you. Thank you. I swear to you, on my abuelita's grave, I will get you that interview.

And my award! It's in the house.

Next to the nipple clamps.

Hi. Can I please get a triple vanilla latte with almond milk, extra hot. No sugar. Not even a dot.

Ooh... I know that order. [Gasps] And that look of fear. You must be Logan Rawlings' new assistant.

At least 'til Friday.

Oh, my God.

You're the one who got her locked in the cage! Ha!

[Laughs]

How do you know that?

I know everything that happens up there at Clikd.

[Laughs]

Yeah, well... I have two days to find some street artist named Rooster or I'm fired.

Uch, I hate Rooster! My ex, Carlos, is a tagger, and on my birthday, he left me at a mall food court, because Rooster texted him!

Oh, my God, you know Rooster?

I mean, that is horrible.

Right?

How about this? I'll email Carlos, pretending you and I are together, to make him jealous.

Ooh... I don't know if you can tell, but I'm gay.

I don't know if you can tell, but I am desperate.

Please, can I please have Carlos' email?

Well... all right, as long as you tell him I look really thin. [Giggles]

Logan? I am so sorry to interrupt you, but I just had a major breakthrough.

Me, too. I need a lock on my door.

I have found you Rooster's email address.

What?

Right here.

Oh, my God! Oh, my God, this is huge!

Uh... uh...

God, I wish I knew your name right now!

Ah, so when is he coming in, what did he say? Tell me everything.

Well, I emailed him, but he didn't write me back, so...

Wait, what?

You promised me Rooster.

Not some unverified email address. What are you thinking?

Well, since, uh... nobody else was able to find anything on him, this email is... something.

Oh, "something"?

Is that how I got all these awards?

For... "something"?

Is that why I mortgaged my house and sacrificed all my personal relationships to build this company?

So I could settle for "something"?

Don't pat yourself on the back for a job not done.

I need an interview! Not a piece of trash.

[Scoffs]

And showing me your underwear isn't gonna help.

But... nice try.

Oh, my God... did you all hear that?

And saw it.

The, ah... Th-the walls are glass, so...

Hey, I tell you what. Let me have Rooster's email address, I'll handle this.

Handle what? What are you gonna do?

What he always does... something unethical.

And then he'll get the interview and take all the credit.

You know what? I'll handle it.

Nuh...

What are you gonna do?

Uh, something ethical, Kendrick.

You guys, we all want this interview, okay? And...

So... why don't we work together?

Together, like a date?

Why'd you have to make it weird, dude?

Look, I still feel the same way, guys, all right? Reading somebody else's email is a breach of privacy, and I can't do it.

Okay, can we read it to you?

I guess I could be a bit of a bad boy.

Kendrick, um... have to say, I'm, really impressed that you got your hacker friend to do this.

Yeah, [Clears throat] he has a girlfriend, so...

Great.

Okay, so let's get back to work. [Clears throat]

Ugh, this Rooster guy is so boring, I just read an entire email about how he found the perfect bank. How sad is his life?

Oh, my God. Wait.

Did he, did he name the bank?

Yeah, Mutual Bank. Why?

Well... I'm just spitballin' with my Ivy League brain over here.

But nobody says they found the perfect bank unless they're robbing it...

Or tagging it. He's gonna tag Mutual Bank.

Which one? There are... three in San Francisco.

That's great, we can each stake one out.

Cool, I love stakeouts. Really gets my adrenalin going, you know?

[Phone rings]

Hello? Leo? Did you find him?

Oh, no. No, no, no, I'm still on my way over to the bank, I just wanted to call and say hi.

Oh, God, no!

Rooster was already here, his mural's up. I friggin' missed him.

I'll call you back.

Oh, okay. No, she hung up on me.

[Sighs]

Oh... excuse me.

Hi. Uh... did you happen to see who painted that mural, and maybe get a photo of him or contact information?

[Laughs]

Are you on dr*gs?

'Cause I got pepper spray.

Wait! How 'bout this? How 'bout $10 if you saw something.

I ain't see anything.

Wait! Why is there paint on your hands?

Girl, I'm a homeless person, there's a lotta stuff on me I can't explain.

Oh, my God. You're Rooster.

And you're a woman.

[Laughs]

I found you!

Wait, wait, wait, wait! Wait.

I work for Clikd, and we really wanna do an exclusive on you.

Hell, no, gimme back my paint!

No! I'm not gonna let you leave until you give me an interview.

Get outta my way, little girl!

No!

It's gonna make you famous! It's gonna put you in the spotlight!

[Police siren]

Police officer: Put your hands up where I can see 'em!

See? It's already workin'.

Great news... so, uh, my boss is on her way.

So all you have to do is give her an exclusive, I get to keep my job, and we're both outta here.

No.

No, what?

No interview.

I'm sorry. Maybe I didn't make myself clear.

If you don't do this interview, I will lose my job.

Oh, well, you didn't say that.

So you're gonna do it?

No, but now I feel bad.

[Sighs] Look, Rooster...

I have spent years of my life trying to find my passion.

And I finally found it.

I wanna be a writer!

I wanted to be a writer. Now I'm a hooker.

But... if you don't do this interview, all of my dreams will be crushed.

I know a guy who likes things crushed.

I've spent years trying to change the world with my art.

And in one damn night, you crushed my dreams.

You're right. Uh! I made this all about me. I am so sorry, Rooster.

I'm so sorry, hooker.

You're sorry?

Logan.

Wait!

What did I tell you about "I'm sorry"?

Why are they letting you in here? Did you get arrested, too?

No. I know Kozakowski. I used to date his wife.

Hi. Logan Rawlings.

I know who you are, and I'm not talking.

I wanna stay anonymous.

Yeah, well, you can kiss that goodbye, because in 24 hours, your mug sh*t is gonna be on the front cover of every news site and gossip blog from here to London.

So you can either let those other sites distort your story, or you can express your truth... to me, in your own words.

How do I know you're not gonna distort my words?

I'll give you final approval on the article.

Do it!

Fine. I'm in.

Kozakowski! Open up.

I'm bailing these two out.

Hm!

Well, wait-wait, what about me?

I'll do stuff.

And her.

Logan. You were so amazing. I-I just can't believe it all worked out, I got you your interview, and I get to keep my job.

Actually, I got the interview.

You came up short. Again.

You're fired.

Hey, CJ. Guess you heard I'm fired.

I'm just here to pack up my stuff.

Mmm. I'm so glad it's you and not me.

Hey.

Listen, um... I'm really sorry for the way everything turned out.

But you are... very talented, okay, and I'm sure you're gonna land on your feet.

Thanks, Leo.

Yeah.

But... [Chuckles] you know, now that we're not working together...

You don't have to listen to him hit on you anymore.

Seriously, for what it's worth, I think it's really lame she fired you.

You busted your ass for her.

Oh, by the way, the story's generated three million views, broke all our records.

Yeah, well, I have a record, too... for fastest fired.

Woman on phone: You are a warrior.

You are a goddess.

You know what? I was about to walk outta here, and then I thought... "Why? Why am I leaving?

I did an incredible job."

I worked my ass off for you. I got you in a room with Rooster, which led you to getting the most viewed article in Clikd history.

If that's not closing the deal, then I don't know what is.

You know what? And I'm gonna leave you with one last thought.

This whole issue you have with "I'm sorry"?

I'm not sorry.

But you're gonna be. Because you are losing the best damn assistant...

You can have your job back.

Oh, God, thank you so much!

That's... the kind of confidence I've been looking for.

Except for that last part.

Now get up and get back to your desk, Sofia.

[Sighs]

She knows my name.

[Squealing] She knows my name!

♪ I'm feeling independent ♪
♪ I never felt so free ♪
♪ Whoa-oh-oh-oh! ♪

I'm home!

[Gabi gasps] Yay! Finally!

I can't believe I made it a week. And I'm still alive!

All right, well... cheers to being alive.

Oh...

Why are you wearing a name tag that says Logan?

Oh, my God... 'cause I had to go to anger management class as her.

Turns out, um... she slapped a meter maid, and her trainer... and Cher.

Wow...

Well... slap on some lipstick, because we are goin' out.

This whole week has been Logan, Logan, Logan, but now it's the weekend, and it's gonna be us, us, us.

We're gonna get down, we're gonna get...

Sofia.

[Whimpers]

[Phone rings]

[Grunts]

[Grunts]

[Panting]

Hello, Logan?

Oh, of course I'm up.

You saw James Franco at the Fairmont Hotel and you want me to find out what room number he's in?

I'm on it!

Oh! Good! So we are going out.