02x07 - No Good Deed Part 3

[bunniefuu]

[phone ringing]

[sighs]

Hello?

Please hold for Dave Marks.

Jim, where are you?

I'm at Katz's.

I've been waiting here for 20 minutes.

Where are you guys?

What are you doing at Katz's?

We agreed we weren't working there anymore.

We discussed this at the production meeting.

What production meeting?

The one yesterday.

The one you decided to blow off.

You know, Will Ferrell was in town. He was not happy.

But I didn't know about it.

Look, whatever. We're at Cherche Midi, all right?

Look, Dave, I don't know how to tell Will this, but I don't think I can work on this "Weatherman" show.

It... that was my idea.

Jim, you really got to come to these meetings, okay?

"Weatherman" is not happening. It's more of a fat guy role anyway, all right?

Will wants to do it next season with you.

He does?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Look.

But in my show, he wants me to be a private investigator.

And you're supposed to be writing with us, so get over here. and don't order anything.

I won't. Ah, I'm on my way.

Oh, jeez. Um...

I hate to be a pain, but could I also get fries?

[man beatboxing]

[man humming and beatboxing]

Hi, I'm supposed to...

Excuse me, do you have an appointment with Mr. Marks?

An appointment? Who... who are you?

I'm Dave's assistant, Foshay.

L-look, Foshay.

Foshay.

Foshay. Uh...

Mr. Marks is in a meeting right now.

I thought we had a writers' meeting.

Thanks to your discourteous regard for our time, the writers' meeting has been postponed.

We have a tight schedule.

Right now, he's casting the role of landlady.

Land...

I don't have time for this.

Uh-uh.

Jim.

John. Uh...

[sighs]

What are you doing over here?

Waiting for Dave.

This is ridiculous. And who's Foshay?

It's actually pronounced Foshay.

That's what I said. Foshay.

No, you said it differently.

All right, look, can we just start on the script?

Apparently we can't do any writing till Dave's free.

What are we even doing here?

Tell me about it. Plus, he basically sh**t down every idea I have now.

Well, have you and Will talked to him about it?

I was wondering if you would talk to him.

Me?

Well, you're friends.

Plus, you already have a reputation for being difficult.

I do?

Well, you blew off the production meeting.

But I... I didn't know about it.

I'm not hungry. Thank you. You know what?

Um... I'll get the steak frites.

You want something?

No, thank you.

He'll get the fries. Get the fries.

They have this mayo that's, like, amazing here.

Is it mayonnaise?

Yeah.

[man humming and beatboxing]

♪ ♪

[plate clatters]

(Dave) Terrific.

Finally. Let's go.

Come on, Foshay.

What now?

He's talking to Dave.

I know.

Why?

Hmm.

Dave, isn't this supposed to be a writers' session?

Relax, Jim, okay? This is your lucky day, all right?

Both Louie Anderson and John Goodman passed on the Jim Gaffigan role. I know.

No.

Oh, damn it.

I know. It's okay.

Did you try Bruce Vilanch?

Oh. Can he gain weight?

He could gain weight.

You think after you rejected me for playing myself you can just offer me the role and I'll accept?

No, I don't think that. But I do think I can offer you the opportunity to audition for the role.

You want me to audition to play myself.

It would be fun to see what you'd do with the part.

I'm not auditioning to play myself.

You're perfect for it.

Of course I'm perfect for it.

Where the hell's my phone?

You have to go in for it.

Do you really want some unknown actor to play Jim Gaffigan just because you were too proud to audition?

It could destroy your career.

[scoffs]

Obviously they should just offer it to me.

Ugh. Here it is. Why is it there?

It's like I'm sure this audition is just some sort of a formality.

Jim, we're so close to being able to do our "Weatherman" project.

Can you imagine getting paid to be a writer and an actor?

We need this. We're in a bidding w*r on our dream apartment.

What bidding w*r?

Just... just play ball.

You auditioning for Jim Gaffigan will totally change your reputation for being difficult.

I don't have a reputation for being difficult.

Ooh, I could help you with the audition.

I'm, like, an expert at this character. I live with the guy.

I am the guy. And you know, this guy has a wife.

Aren't you a little concerned how Dave Marks is gonna portray you on national television?

You said he's trying to get Kelly Ripa to play my part.

She's, like, so adorable.

She's, like, perfect.

He's not gonna get Kelly Ripa to quit her daytime talk show to do a sitcom on TV Land.

And what about our kids?

You know. How are they gonna be portrayed?

Dave thinks that they're germ-infested monsters.

Mom, James is eating boogers again.

Ugh!

[sighs]

[man humming and beatboxing]

♪ ♪

Wow, you really did your research.

I didn't shower.

Oh, my God. You look exactly like him... but fatter. [chuckles]

But I am him.

M... me.

♪ Hot Pockets ♪
♪ Hot Pockets ♪
♪ Hot Pockets ♪
♪ Hot Pockets ♪

[muffled laughter]

I knew this was a waste of my time.

[paper crumpling]

[muffled laughter]

Wait, aren't you the punter for the Seattle Seahawks?

I'm also an actor.

Oh. Cool.

Do you have sunscreen?

[muffled laughter]

I mean, it's just fun to play a big fat slob.

And Raj loved you.

That's so exciting.

Can you gain 60 or 70 pounds?

Or, couldn't I wear, like, a fat suit or a prego pad?

That's a good point. Yeah.

Yeah. Awesome.

[mimics hammer tapping]

Nailed it.

Good luck, Jimmy.

Okay, next up is Jim...

Gaffigan?

Th... uh, that's me.

All right, you can just put your stuff on the chair.

I got this one.

Okay.

Uh, Dave's not here?

Oh, the executive producer never comes to initial castings.

You're going on tape.

Oh, I just figured, you know, I know him. I thought he'd be here.

Here's how it works. For the first round, it's just the casting director.

Oh, you're the casting director. [Chuckles]

No, I am the casting associate.

The casting director just left.

He has SoulCycle class. He'll watch your tape.

If he likes it, he'll show it to the producers.

If they like it, you'll get what's called a callback.

[Sighs] I... I understand. I've auditioned before.

Okay, can we get started?

Yes, please.

Okay, great.

Slate: your name and the character.

Jim Gaffigan auditioning for...

Jim Gaffigan.

Okay, we're just gonna get into it.

I will cue you. I will read as Dave.

And remember, you're a white-bread schlub trapped in a loveless marriage.

And...

"Jim, you turned down $1 million?"

Dave, I have five children that I have to feed...

Oh, that's an old script.

You're gonna need the new pages.

New pages? But, ah...

Yeah, those are, like, super old.

Don't even regard this anymore.

I'm... I'm a writer on the show. I...

All right, I'm just gonna keep the camera rolling.

And...

"Jim, you turned down $1 million?"

"Yes, um... I know I need the money, but I'm not gonna let those Jews in Hollywood tell me..."

Wha... okay, wait. I would never say this.

Could you just read the lines as written?

Okay, fine. Um...

"Your people, Dave. I'm not saying h*tler was right. I'm just saying..."

Wait a minute. You know, I... I can't say this.

Hey, it-it's not you saying it.

It's the character saying it.

Jim Gaffigan is saying it.

But that's me. I'm Jim Ga...

Lo... ah... you know, I... I can't do this. I'm sorry.

Not everyone can.

But, you know, stick around. I'd love to see you read for Doughy Waiter.

[man humming and beatboxing]

Okay.

Hey, John.

Hey, Jim. How are you?

We got to do something about Dave. These script rewrites are ridiculous.

Oh, you haven't heard? I'm off that project now.

I'm in LA.

Yeah, Dave's all your problem now.

LA?

Yeah, it's the best.

Why would anyone make a TV show in New York City?

W-why do you get to quit?

Aren't you afraid of being perceived as difficult?

Oh, Jim, people love me.

I'm John Mulaney.

I'm adorable.

Jim, I'm gonna hang up now.

Who... who's writing the script?

Apparently Dave's writing the whole thing himself. Okay. Okay, bye.

Dave is?

[sighs]

[man humming and beatboxing]

♪ ♪

b*at it. [snaps]

What do you want?

I'm sorry. Okay?

I should have asked you to run this show in the first place.

I just didn't realize it until I fired Mulaney.

I thought Mulaney quit.

Why do you think I fired him?

Listen. I need help with the script.

The table read is tomorrow.

Tomorrow?

No one tells me anything.

I don't know what to do.

"The... The Weatherman" thing isn't happening.

You know, I-I-I'm no longer a private investigator.

F-F-Ferrell just told me to come up with something new.

You know, I-I-I don't know what that means.

I'm supposed to have been writing this entire time. I got... I-I got nothing.

[Scoffs] Well, I can't write the script for you.

Haven't you tortured me enough?

I just bombed at an audition to play myself.

Audition? What are you... We already cast that role.

W... with who?

Can't you stop talking about yourself for just one minute, okay? Can't you see I'm in a crisis?

I-I'm squandering the opportunity of a lifetime.

Ferrell's convinced that this show's gonna be epic.

Meanwhile, I'm... I'm... I'm just a fraud... I'm a fraud. I'm scared, man.

I'm scared. Y-y-y-you gotta help me.

Well, the... the reason you're struggling is 'cause you're trying to make this show about other people's ideas.

You got this opportunity from TV Land because they saw you at Carolines.

You: an edgy stand-up comedian from Jersey City who lives with his mom.

You gotta write what you know. Tell your story.

My story.

I don't know. You think I can do it?

I know you can do it.

I mean, I'm pretty sure you can do it.

No, you're right. I can do it.

You're... you're a true friend.

See you tomorrow?

I'll be there.

Okay.

I gotta go back to treating you like [bleep] now.

I understand.

Good.

[whistles sharply, snaps]

[man humming and beatboxing]

♪ ♪

[kids chattering indistinctly]

What's this?

Oh, Jim.

What?

My herb garden.

It's gone.

What herb garden?

We got outbid on our dream apartment.

Oh, I'm sorry.

[sighs]

[mouths word]

[paper rustles]

[clears throat]

[chuckles]

[space bar thudding]

[keys clacking]

♪ [Far From Over by Frank Stallone] ♪

[typewriter dinging]

♪ ♪

I'm diabetic, Ma!

♪ This is the end ♪

Ooh, ooh, ooh, look at the size of that.

♪ You made your choice and now my chance ♪
♪ Is over ♪

Just born that way. Come on!

♪ I thought I was in ♪

♪ ♪

♪ You put me down and ♪

And you got me...

♪ Say I'm goin' nowhere ♪

.. on my knees.

[typewriter dings]

[laughs hysterically]

♪ Save me darlin'♪
♪ I am down but I am far from over ♪

[muttering indistinctly]

♪ ♪

[muttering indistinctly]

♪ ♪

♪ Give me somethin' ♪

[laughs]

♪ I need it all 'cause I am runnin' over ♪

[slaps, sniffs]

[typewriter dings]

Ma, please, come on, the two of you!

♪ ♪

[muttering indistinctly]

[music crescendos dramatically]

[man humming and beatboxing]

♪ ♪

Hello! Hey, how's it goin'?

Everyone good?

Big day.

Can someone make me a cappuccino? Two sh*ts.

[laughter]

Ah, hi, Carol. There's Carol.

There's Trent from Marketing. Hi, Trent.

Hi. There's Jim!

Jim, can you...

Uh, o-okay.

Hang on, everyone.

[whispering] Hey, Jim.

Where's the script?

[chuckles]

You don't have the script?

I don't have it. No.

Uh... uh, well, you know, ah, I, uh, talked to Dave earlier.

He was just doing some finishing touches, and the script will be here in moments.

Okay, well, I'm just... I'm just gonna cover, okay?

I... I think everyone can hear us.

No, 'cause I'm whispering.

Uh, okay.

[regular voice] Welcome... everyone.

TV Land!

We are here, and we are waiting, uh, for a script.

Uh...

And that's the end of my speech.

[applause]

Thanks. Thanks for the...

Now, at this point, I would like to introduce the cocreator of the show, ah, Mr. Jim Gaffigan.

And, uh, Jim, why don't you tell everyone how we, ah, how we ended up here today?

Jim Gaffigan.

[claps]

Uh, uh, okay.

Uh... hi.

I met Will when I was, ah, pitching him another idea for a show.

It was, ah, about a, ah. weatherman who moves to New York.

Ah, the guy's from Gary, Indiana, you know, where they make the bathroom smell.

[laughter]

The bath.

Yeah.

A-a-and everyone in New York is really condescending to the weatherman. They're like, "Oh, you from Indiana?

"Well, welcome. This is electricity."

[laughter]

A-and what's great about this weatherman Hey. Hey! I'm here. I'm here. is that he...

And here he is now.

♪ [Far From Over by Frank Stallone] ♪

Hi, Dave!

[applause]

The epic voice of a generation.

[applause continues]

Thank you, thank you. Hi, Will.

Ah, I'm, ah, I'm Dave Marks.

[music stops]

I'm a writer, director, executive producer, creator, star of the, ah, "Dave Marks Show."

Let's open our scripts.

Exterior. Night.

A crane sh*t swooshes down to dissolve to a hip downtown nightclub bistro, Cherche Midi.

The door bangs open like a clap of thunder and a French over sh*t reveals a casually sexy strapping youngish man in a tight leather jacket.

Every man wants to be him.

Every woman wants to be with him.

[music resumes]

There was a hole, a hole in his heart that only a mother's love could fill.

[music resumes]

Dave's beautiful date looks at him hungrily.

Doughy Waiter approaches.

Doughy Waiter approaches.

Jim!

Uh...

Uh, uh, would you like still or sparkling, madam?

[pen scratching]

[music resume]

♪ ♪

Dave's friend Jim enters the room.

Girl, I can't watch eight kids by myself.

Jim's hot but bitchy wife, Jeannie, follows him in.

She wears a giant crucifix buried in her alabaster cleavage.

Her sheer, almost transparent white blouse reveals totally natural zaftig breasts that could feed an army.

That Dave Marks is so sexy.

Jeannie and Dave Marks share a brief kiss.

That's not necessary. Save it for Well, I thought it would... the day. wouldn't that help you a little or...

[audience murmuring]

Begin... the animated sequence.

[music resumes]

You might want to treat your woman with a little bit more respect.

Oh, is that right?

Is that what they do in heimy town?

Heimy town? Come on!

[grunting]

♪ ♪

Pshoo!

♪ ♪

Jim, you give me the g*n.

It's okay, man.

[g*nsh*t sound effect]

Watch out!

[gasps] Oh.

[g*nsh*t sound effect]

[machine g*n fire]

Queue.

He's dead. Foshay, he's dead.

♪ Save me, darlin' ♪
♪ I am down but I am far from over ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Give me somethin' ♪
♪ I need it all 'cause ♪

♪ I am runnin' over ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Save me, darlin' ♪
♪ I am down but I am far from over ♪

♪ I'm runnin' over ♪

Hey, look. I'm just a simple edgy comedian who lives in Jersey City with his mom.

Trying to make this little blue marble a better place.

Dave and Jeannie kiss again.

[both speak indistinctly]

Must ha... have more tongue.

Oh, there's plenty more tongue to go around... and around.

[music crescendos dramatically]

And scene.

[all groaning]

God.

[clapping] Excellent.

All right, that's the end of act one.

Foshay, can you hand out act two?

[all groaning]

Wait, act one is over already? [scoffs]

Mr. Ferrell, who are you talking to? Have you taken your medication today?

What medication?

[chuckles]

What are you doing?

Mr. Ferrell, it appears you haven't taken your medication in over a month.

You get away from me, okay?

Or I'll report you to President Eisenhower.

Let's go, Mr. Ferrell.

Yes!

Unhand me, you cad. I'm the mother of dragons!

I'm a mother of dragons!

[man humming and beatboxing]

It's too bad about Will, right? I hope he's okay.

Network pinheads, man.

I mean, first they're all over me, right?

I mean, they're kissing my ass, right?

Now they... now they won't even return my phone calls, man.

I mean, they don't know how to deal with artists.

So, they pulled the plug, huh?

They canceled the whole project, man.

Hope it wasn't my Doughy Waiter line.

I think it's better for my career to have a show that's canceled.

My fans are gonna worship me like I'm a martyr.

I'm like Dave Chappelle.

What... didn't Chappelle have a really successful show that he walked away from?

Exactly. You know?

I don't care if they didn't like it. I told my story.

All right? Thanks for the advice, buddy.

Hey, what are friends for?

[chuckles]

Hey, so, ah, who's opening for you at Governor's next weekend?

[man humming and beatboxing]

♪ ♪