01x09 - Hands on a Hard Vessel

[bunniefuu]

Previously on "Still the King"...

We're kicking you out, Walt.

Why?

Reggie: You sh*t a lumberjack in the neck... with a tranq dart, dude!

(Kn*fe SCRAPING)

Allison: Who are you listening to right now?

Right now, Party Break are my current favorite.

Thank you, we're Party Break, goodnight!

I'm Dallas. You must be Charlotte's sister?

You're good.

Oh, my god! I'm a porta-potty baby?

Tomorrow morning, hoards of boaters will bring... their watercraft out to that epic party in the cold.

As always, Beaman Boats is offering a chance... to take home one of these beauties... in their annual Hands-on-a-Hard-Vessel contest.

Vance Trecks is the reigning champion... with four consecutive wins under his belt.

Vance, how do you do it year after year?

Well, it takes two ingredients to make a champion... rock hard willpower... and red, white and blue American pride.

And those colors don't run.

Vance (on TV): Whoo! Fire it up.

Okay, so you're feeling pretty confident... about your chances again this year?

Vance (on TV): Oh, yeah, I'm feeling real confident.

If you step to me, darling, I'm gonna eat your [BLEEP].

Not your [BLEEP], just an [BLEEP].

Vance (on TV): Maybe just cut this part out.

Oh, is that right?

Vanessa (on TV): Uh, we're live. I'm Natasha Bansfield...

I got news for you, old Vance...

I'm coming for you.

This year, it's gonna be the classic overdog story.

I've been training for months.

And no one is gonna win my boat.

I'm in my prime. I could do anything.

I bet you can't kick off the ceiling fan.

Challenge accepted.

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

No, you literally just stand there as long as you can.

But you gotta keep your hand on the boat the whole time?

Yeah.

Hey, man, I got a better idea.

How about we forget this boat thing and let's uh... stay here and get our day drunk on, maybe bet on some dog races.

Yeah, but if you win the boat, you could probably sell it... and pay off a ton of your child support.

You know something, Walt?

Every now and then, something comes out of your mouth... that does not sound absolutely insane.

Thank you.

Oh, hey, hey, boys.

I was not expecting a slumber party last night!

Neither was I.

Dude, you fell asleep at like 10:30.

Ah, was it that late? Dang. YOLO.

All right, Pastor Johnson... what do you have in store... today for my favorite parolee and yourself?

Well, you know, the Pastor and I were just talkin'... about going down to the lake and being a part of this...

Hands-on-a-Boat contest.

Ah, the lake, wow, I haven't been down there in years.

I'm a little afraid of big bodies of water... after my buddy d*ed in the gulf.

Sorry to hear that. Was he in the Navy?

Huh? No, no, no, he managed at Chi-Chi's in Panama City.

They had spring break, belly-flop contest.

He went up way high and he came down and exploded.

Splat! Boom! Blood, guts, poop, toes, eyes... that whole pool became like mud.

It's crazy, I was starving about five minutes ago... but... I don't know.

I really am glad you guys insisted... on me tagging along today.

Did we?

I'll see you guys in there.

Okay.

♪ I'm a firecracker y'all gonna lit my fuse ♪
♪ I'm about to blow it up I can't lose I refuse ♪

Well, I was gonna put my hands on a boat... but now I got my sights set on a whole different kinda hard body.

I didn't know you were coming.

Well, it wasn't my idea, but I'm glad I'm here now.

Ladies! Come on!

I gotta get to my post and hydrate!

Come on, Char, he's gettin' crabby.

I'll see you in there.

Okay, have fun.

Bye.

Big D (over speaker): Welcome to the 11th annual... Hands-on-a-Hard-Vessel contest!

The question that is on everyone's mind... can four-time winner Vance Trecks do it again?

I guess we're gonna find out... because here he is now.

He definitely looks ready to put his hands on a hard vessel.

No doubt about it.

No one's impressed by your awesome, fingerless gloves... or your sweet theme music, pal.

You know, Ronnie, after I win that boat...

I'm gonna take it and the boat I won last year...

I'm gonna take them out on the lake... drive 'em at the same time, sun on my face, wind in my hair... babes on my hang-down.

We both know that's physically impossible, pal.

Hey! Don't you Iceman-from-Top g*n chomp me.

I invented that move.

All right, this is it, guys! A boat, who's gonna win it?

Now here's the deal, keep it clean... find your spot on the boat, all right?

And here we go! On your mark, get set!

Go!

Go!

Pole position again this year, Ronnie.

Oh, is that right?

Yeah... I'm gonna give you some ad-Vance warning... you're about to lose.

Great day for little friendly competition, right?

Why are you asking so many questions, huh? You a cop?

Matter of fact, I am... in law enforcement.

I'm a parole officer.

Well, in town, you're the law. Out here, it's me.

Are you quoting Rambo?

No, it's not from Rambo.

That was Rambo.

No... it's not.

It's Rambo.

Charlotte!

Charlotte, come on, we're going to a Summer in December party!

Uh, hold on for one second.

Excuse me, sorry. Oh, I'm sorry, sorry...

Pardon me.

I'm so sorry.

Hey, Mom, can I go to a party with Mabel and some friends?

Young lady! You're not going anywhere!

I didn't raise no quitter!

You didn't raise me... and you are the biggest quitter I've ever met.

Give me one example.

You quit high school junior year.

You also quit countless jobs, reading of any kind... ah, those karate classes?

All right, all right, you done your research.

But that's ancient history!

Baby, you should just try and finish the competition.

So, I can go when I lose?

No! Don't you dare! Keep your hand on that boat!

(AIR HORN SOUNDS)

Good to go?

Wear a life jacket... and don't do anything I would do.

Okay.

Thank you, Miss Debbie.

Have fun.

Charlotte? Where you going?

Uh, I'm going to a party with some friends. I'll see ya later!

Did you see that? Debbie just let her run off.

I don't know what the big deal is?

Did you see the guys she left with?

Excuse me. Excuse me. Pardon me.

Excuse me. Excuse me.

Are you just gonna let our daughter run off... with those rocker-looking dudes?

She's just going to celebrate Summer in December... with her friends on their boat.

She's walking into exactly the kinda place... where a girl could get her V-card punched... by some shiftless musician on a pontoon!

Hey, Doily, you're gonna have to find another ride home, man.

I gotta go deal with a family issue.

Okay, I'll keep my eyes on the prize!

If I win this, we'll share it. We'll call it the S.S. B.F.F.!

Huh?

Whatever you say, partner.

(AIR HORN SOUNDS)

Good luck, Walt.

I'll catch you on the flip side, man.

Flip side of what?

Oh, now you're the concerned father!

Ronnie! Did you see that?

Ssh!

He has no right to boss her around... like she's a piece of property! That's my job!

Babe, you're bringing me down with all this family talk.

I gotta keep my eyes on the prize!

Winning this boat.

Water bottle me!

Fine, I'll take my family drama elsewhere.

Damn it, Deb!

(AIR HORN SOUNDS)

Well, nine hours have gone by, and only the heartiest... still have a hand on that hard vessel.

Who will be last.

(PHONE RINGING)

Hey, Kenny, what's up?

Walt! We found it, a Sasquatch nest!

What? Really?

Yeah, you gotta get out here, this is it, man... this is the big one!

Is there any law enforcement involved yet?

No, of course not! Now look, I know there's been some... bad blood between us, but come on, man, help us out!

All right, I'm on my way.

Thanks, man, we really appreciate it.

Guys?

(AIR HORN SOUNDS)

Hey, I may not know much about parenting... but I do know how these guys work.

If they're half as slick as I was when I was their age... it's probably too late.

Hey, friends.

Hey partner, you seen a couple kids go by here?

Yes, they were headed out to Party Cove, I believe.

The only place worth going. Ain't that right, cool breeze?

Marj-arita?

No... thanks.

Oh, look... my pineapple turned upside down.

Vernon, an upside down pineapple is the sign of a swinger.

Just call me Tarzan. Argh-argh-argh...

I don't know how to do the Tarzan thing.

Oh, look, here comes Jane.

No Cheetah.

These are progressive times, we can't say no to everything.

Vernon, come on.

All right, sorry, partner.

No! Where you going?

Well, y'all come back, you hear?

This party is gonna be sick.

Last year, it was me, Fletcher, Chad, Payneler, other Chad...

Sick.

So what's your plan, just swim out and find her?

I'm gettin' an idea.

Fill 'er up, captain?

Yeah, she only takes super premium, bro.

You got it, skipper.

Okay, and don't try to screw me with regular.

Because if you screw me, I'll screw you.

No worries, chief!

And if you do a good enough job... the other half of this ten will be waiting for you.

Wipe down the seats, okay?

'Cause Straz puked some pinot noir. Classic Straz!

Okay.

You got it, amigo.

Wanna take a ride in my jet-boat?

I get to drive.

Let's go.

Okay, here we are at mile marker 12... just off River Road Highway.

We've gotten word of a living Squatch nest.

Kenny? Guys?

Got debris, shredded clothing, broken branches.

Definitive signs of a struggle between man and beast.

Guys?

Can't this thing go any faster?

She's probably halfway to teen mom by now.

I raised her better than that, okay?

I mean, what do you think she could possibly be doing?

Oh, I'll tell you exactly what she's doing.

Some white trash junky forcing drinks down her throat.

And he's all, "Yo, babe, what do ya say we all go downstairs... and make some poor decisions that will negatively impact... the rest of our once-promising lives?"

"Cool. Sounds smart"

Come on, don't be ridiculous.

I'm sure it's just kids having fun.

Oh, my god! Float-illa!

Hang on, baby! We're coming!

Punch it!

Guys! Kenny?

Whoa, whoa...

I can't believe this.

Walt... I'm your neighbor species.

We could be... friends.

(LAUGHING)

I can't... I can't do it anymore.

(ALL LAUGHING)

I can't do it...

Yeah!

Whoo!

We got you!

We did it.

I'm your neighbor species! We can be friends!

Kenny: You can't be friends with a sasquatch!

We read your dumb Son of Sasquatch theory.

What is that nonsense?

Kenny says it's the dumbest thing he's ever read... and he reads at a third-grade reading level.

It's six grade. Sorry.

Shut... Kenny, you're an idiot.

Just accept it.

I get it.

A re-initiation prank, you guys want me back in the group.

What?

No.

It's more of a you're-an-idiot, so-we-can-laugh-at-you prank...

'cause we don't want you in the group. Right?

Walt, the only way we let you back in... is if you walked through the door... with a living, breathing squatch.

Fall out, boys.

If it's proof they want, it's proof they're gonna get.

Talk to yourself much? Loser.

Okay, this ain't gonna be easy... if we're gonna get access to this madness, we gotta blend in.

That's gonna require a party attitude... and some heavy drinking.

Let's go get my baby.

Hell, yeah, I second the motion.

♪ I'm feelin' my perfect girl She got a dirty side ♪
♪ I'm talking about four-wheel out of this flirty side ♪

Her name's Charlotte!

We're looking for our daughter.

She's like this high.

Yes.

Break away!

Oh, this way? All right. Charlotte!

Excuse me, sir. Can I just get by?

I'm good, really, thanks.

It's a rite of passage.

Well, I'm glad you're getting such a kick out of this.

Okay, let's go.

Ah!

Woo-hoo!

Yeah! Oh, my god, we won!

All right!

Let's keep it moving, okay? Charlotte!

Charlotte!

Are all these damn boats startin to look the same to you?

Well, hey, friend. Come back to borrow a cuppa coffee, hm?

Why don't you let old Coy help you outta them... wet clothes.

Oh, hell, no, come on.

Oh... mm When my brothers at Ruby Ridge were under siege... sleep deprivation was their downfall.

But if any of these bastards think I'm just gonna pick up... my hands and say, "I...

Damn it! The same thing happened to me last year.

I gotta stop telling that story.

Yeah, I came out here to hang out with my best friend.

Who'd ever thunk I'd make another best friend, right?

We're not friends. I don't like you.

But damn it, soldier, I respect you.

Me, too.

(AIR HORN SOUNDS)

Agh!

Now that's a yawn!

What? No.

This ain't my first time at the rodeo, cowboy.

That's a yawn.

News flash, pal, that was the face of a roar, a silent roar.

The roar of a champion, a legend, a winner!

A roar.

You best get your face out of my face.

You got that? Huh?

This is about the only boat we ain't been on!

She gotta be here somewhere!

Vernon, Vernon, Vernon, this is her purse!

Because see, look! This is the key chain from the fair!

Charlotte: Asher, please stop. You're making me uncomfortable.

Asher: Char, don't be like that. Just let me do it.

You're gonna like it, I promise.

Charlotte!

Seriously, Asher, I said no. Get away from me.

Hang on, baby! We're coming!

Wait, no, just sit still, I need you to feel this emotionally.

Gimme that!

Vernon!

Whoa! What the hell, bro?

He was just close-singing me with his terrible song!

Okay, it's a work in progress!

He's so misunderstood.

Hey! I know what's going on here.

I know exactly what's going on here.

You've been drinking. What's this? Is this rum? Vodka?

It's Coke, Mom. Oh, my god, are you drunk?

Hey! I'll ask the questions around here!

Yeah.

What's going on with you, Snoop Dog? Those pot brownies?

You trippin', man?

A litle weed?

No, man.

Yeah, bro.

Quit harshing our mellow.

What's this weirdo doing here?

No, no, I'm no weirdo. I'm a member of this band.

And I'm chaperoning.

This is a completely sober voyage.

We're all fine and safe here. This is a safe space.

This is so embarrassing.

They may not be doin' anything bad.

We may have overreacted just a hair...

Yeah, you think?

You punted his guitar!

So what now? Should we apologize?

No way. We can't apologize now!

We'll never get the upper hand back on her.

Right, right, right.

They'll never believe anything else we ever say!

No, no...

You gotta follow my lead.

Gotcha, go get 'em.

Let's go.

Oh, my god, you guys are wasted!

You didn't... you, da' lady... need to get your butt home.

So you are coming with me, now come on.

Mom, you're drunk.

Dallas, can you take me home?

Yeah, yeah, our boat's just over there.

Is that okay with you?

I will allow that.

Hey, just don't get all handsy, buster.

That's right!

What does that even mean?

I don't know, but it sounds amazing.

I'll tell you what it means, is this party's over!

That's right.

And just a little word of advice for you there, grasshopper... close-singing to a girl without her permission is never okay!

Now get outta here!

Come on, let's go!

Party's over! Now go on!

We are such awesome parents.

Woo-hoo! We should write a book is what we should do about it.

We should write a book.

Write a book.

Ah-ha.

Maybe we could just stick around, have one more drink?

I mean, yeah, sober up a little bit... just a couple of light beers.

Yeah.

What the... oh, damn raccoons.

Big D: It's been a long night here at Sid's Marina... and we're gettin down to the wire, folks, down to the wire.

I got some bad news for you, dude. I ain't even tired yet.

Need... sleep.

Yes! Yes!

(AIR HORN SOUNDS)

I'm the champion of boats! I'm gonna win them all!

Then I'm going after your Ski-Doo! Your snow mobiles!

I'm gonna win... no, no! Let's do it over!

Gonna do a redo. Reset the clock!

You took your hand off!

Nope!

I win!

No!

I'm the winner!

You're the loser!

I'm not no loser!

This is my boat now!

Security! Security!

My boat!

Oh, you better not touch my jacket, law dog, that's a mesh.

Hey! Hey! Uh-uh, uh-uh.

That's my boat! That's my boat!

(AIR HORN SOUNDS)

I am the champion!

Finally, after all this time, we have a winner!

Looks like you overlooked one small thing.

Who the hell are you, pal?

Why do you got your hands on my boat?

It is my boat now.

Huh?

Maybe you just didn't see me back there.

Well, congratulations, sir!

You are the winner of a brand-new SSX Luxury Chaparral.

And here is an extra set of keys in case you misplace those!

Thanks for listening, see you.

I already gave him the keys!

Well, two is better than one.

No, man, you're always copying me.

You have a good day now.

Vernon: Hey, uh... did we, uh, you know...

Debbie: Damn floatillas.