05x19 - Condom Conundrum

[bunniefuu]

All right, gentlemen, and I use that word quite sarcastically, it's time to lighten your wallets with a game called poker.

Poker!

Okay, let that be the only new word she learns tonight, got it?

Got it.

So, should we start with a little five-card stud?

Stud!

(laughs) Sorry.

All right, the buy-in is 20 bucks.

Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Condoms instead of chips?

Look, we are not giving you 20 bucks for condoms.

We can steal these for free from your room.

Well, I'm tired of supporting your habit.

From now on, if you wanna get laid, I've gotta get paid.

Hey, I don't think anyone should use this one.

There's a bunch of tiny holes in it.

Wait, same with these.

And this one. Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

They all have holes in them!

We've been using these condoms.

Do you know what this means?

Uh-oh!

You heard the girl, start panicking!

(theme music playing)

♪ It's amazing how the unexpected ♪
♪ Can take your life and change directions ♪

I checked them all, they all have holes in them.

So all three of our girlfriends might be pregnant?

See, man, this is what happens when you buy condoms in bulk.

You have babies in bulk!

Oh, I can't breathe!

Well, isn't this just perfect?

Sam and I are finally together, and now our next date is gonna be dinner, movie, and an ultrasound.

But what about me, man?

"Oh, hey, Renee, I wasn't sure what to get you for our one-month anniversary, so I got you a baby!"

What are we gonna do?

I guess we'll just have to tell them.

No, about my breathing!

Wait, wait, wait, wait. Why would we tell them something when there might be nothing to tell?

Right? I mean, it's only a problem if someone is actually pregnant.

He's right.

There might be nothing to worry about.

We just gotta find a way for them to take a pregnancy test without them knowing.

I'd help you think of stuff, but there's no blood in my brain right now.

Which is exactly how I got in this situation in the first place.

Is there a non-creepy, non-suspicious way to ask a girl to pee on a stick for you?

No... no, but look.

There is a test you can take using just saliva.

Oh, oh, saliva? I'm in!

Do mine first.

Yeah, he especially should not be having a baby.

Yeah, no.

No, Danny, I can't leave work in the middle of the day to help you lick envelopes.

All right. I'll see you tonight.

Love you.

Aw. I know you do.

Wish I could say it back.

So, why am I here?

Okay, so the partners finally gave me an assistant...

Here you are, Ms. Perrin, the affidavits for the Murphy case you requested, coffee, black, two sugars, and a reminder that your meeting starts in five minutes.

Uh, actually, I asked for the Torkelson file, I drink tea, and my meeting started two hours ago.

Right. Uh, the Harrison file, soy latte, and gather everyone in the conference room for your meeting.

Wow.

Does that kind of incompetence come with a helmet?

He has got to go.

I know. I know. All right, that's why I wanted to talk to you.

I just don't have your kind of cruel, heartless, go-for-the-throat...

Stop it, you're making me blush.

Okay, it's simple. You just have to be direct, okay?

Roger, can I see you, please?

Oh, no, no, what are you doing?

I can't.

Yes. You can.

Just pretend he's a cupcake, and eat him alive!

Roger, Ms. Perrin has some unfortunate news for you.

What is it, Ms. Perrin?

Uh, Roger, um, I just... I was just thinking that...

(muttering, whimpering)

Hey! You got a minute?

I'm just trying out some new appetizers. What do you think?

Oh, my God, it's disgusting.

Yeah, I thought it was gross, too.

Here, go ahead, spit it out.

All of it. Even the saliva.

(snoring softly)

(gags, coughs)

Huh? Danny... Danny, wake up.

What's wrong, babe?

I was just choking on this, this was in my mouth.

Well, you were snoring pretty hard, maybe you sucked it in from the bathroom.

(knocking)

Roger? What are you doing here?

Ms. Perrin has a client meeting this morning, and I gave her the wrong case files yesterday before she left.

Where's the meeting?

At our office.

Where are you coming from?

The office.

See where I'm going with this?

Oh, my God! I'm the worst assistant ever.

Roger, why don't you come inside, and we'll have a little chatty-chat about your work sitch?

Uh-oh.

Uh-oh? Why did the little girl say "Uh-oh"?

Oh, I knew it, I'm getting fired.

I don't know what's wrong with me.

Ever since I met the girl of my dreams, I just haven't been able to focus.

So, that's why you've been so bad?

You're in love?

Oh... Roger.

I've always struggled with confidence.

I try, but it's hard when no one's ever believed in you.

But I'm sure someone like you has no idea what I'm talking about.

Sure, I'm confident now. I mean, I could knock you down and take you right here on this couch if I wanted to.

But you know, Roger, it wasn't long ago that I woke up one day with no husband, no job, and worst of all, no one around to believe in me.

I don't wish that feeling on anyone.

You know what, Roger?

I am gonna help you find your confidence.

Just let me put my granddaughter down for a nap.

See, Emma? Sometimes we have to do the right thing, and open our hearts to losers.

There we go. Okay.

(gasps) My earring.

I've been looking all over for this.

Oh, you could've gotten hurt.

Okay, come here, sweets.

Oh... and a condom. Nice.

God.

Emma... did you poke holes in this with Grandma's earring?

No, Emma. Never do that.

Unless he's a billionaire or a movie star.

Holey condoms, Emma! You turned these things into sprinklers!

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no...

Okay, I'm ready for my first lesson.

Oh, first lesson.

Right, um... Oh, it's babysitting!

(shrieks)

(elevator dings)

Oh, hey, Mom.

Big problem. Have you... Did you... Don't panic!

I'm gonna take care of it.

(muttering) Oh, yeah. They're sprinklers, they got holes...

Must've run out of wine again.

I can't believe we all struck out on the saliva test.

What are we gonna do now?

I vote for nothing.

Look, if they're pregnant, they'll tell us eventually, and we'll just pretend we don't know how it happened.

I like it. I'm really good at not knowing anything.

For example, I don't know who this guy is.

You're probably all wondering why I asked you here.

Not me. How much do you need, 40, 50?

Thanks.

But that's not why I'm here.

Have any of you used one of these condoms from Ben's room?

Yeah.

Definitely.

I think so.

Well, that is a problem then.

Why, is something wrong with the condoms?

No, I'm taking a survey. Yes, something's wrong with the condoms.

You all might be pregnant.

(all talking at once)

(timer dings)

Oh, thank God!

Perfect!

Negative!

Not pregnant!

Dodged that Tucker b*llet!

I'm on the pill, but you never know.

Well, I say we celebrate with a drink we almost couldn't have for nine months.

And I know right where Ben keeps the good stuff.

Ah!

Which is right next to a saliva pregnancy test.

Oh, my God, they knew.

All right. I woke up last night with a cotton swab in my mouth.

Unbelievable!

You think you know everything about a person after four dates, and then he pulls something like this.

Well, then maybe they should know what it's like, if we were pregnant.

Sorry, Danny, I just don't feel like lunch today.

Yeah, I've been nauseous all morning.

(retches) Oh, no!

Here it comes again! I gotta go, bye!

Now it's your turn to feel nauseous.

Hey, hey. So, what's the verdict?

Not to dramatize, but are you fertilized?

Nope, negative.

Yeah, which is right in line with how I feel about men right now.

So you know what I'm gonna do? I am going to fire one.

Roger, get your sweet little ass in here.

Whoa whoa. You know, Riley, sometimes people just need someone to believe in them.

They just need a word of encouragement or two.

I cannot believe you're drunk in the middle of the day.

All right. I am f*ring him.

No... No, you can't. He's the boss's son.

What?

Yeah.

My God, really? How did I not know this? Thank you so much. You just saved my career.

Hey! Hey you!

Is everything okay? Am I getting fired?

Fired? You?

No! That's... That's hilarious.

(laughing)

So funny!

No, you and me, we're a team.

All right? We're partners.

Speaking of partners, I would really like to be one one day.

But I'm gonna go to my staff meeting, which is in room...?

You know what, I'll find it.

Oh, and by the way, I love that sweater. So handsome.

Oh, my God! I get to keep my job!

And... I think she might love me, too.

Yeah, yeah. I wouldn't doubt it. Wait, what?

Riley is the girl you're in love with?

Yes, I thought that was clear.

Did you tell me it was a girl at the office?

No.

Did you tell me it was Riley?

No.

See where I'm going with this?

Aren't you hungry?

Or are you one of those girls who eats before a date so you can look like you hardly eat?

(laughs) I do that!

I'm just feeling a little... nauseous.

Nauseous?

You feel nauseous?

Yeah. It usually only happens in the morning.

I hope I'm not catching a bug.

It might be a bit bigger than a bug.

Hey. What do you feel like doing after work today?

I think I'm just gonna go home and lie down.

I don't know what's wrong with me, but my back hurts, my ankles are swollen, and even my boobs are a little sore.

If I didn't know any better, I'd say I was pregnant.

Pregnant?

Ha!

'Cause that calls for a "Ha!"

Ha...

Oh my, God.

I'm glad you're feeling better.

I'm starving.

But you know what I would really love?

A peanut butter and pickle sandwich.

Weird, huh?

So you'd say you're having a craving?

Yeah! Yeah, I would.

Riley's pregnant.

So is Renee.

I think Sam's pregnant, too.

Okay. Are we about to high-five or freak out?

Because I'm leaning towards freaking out.

Freak out.

Okay.

Okay, let's review Danny, you're going to have a child with the girl of your dreams.

Ben, you're having your second unplanned child with a cheerleader you've been in love with since high school.

And I've knocked up a girl whose name I'm not even sure is spelled with two "E's" or three.

Well, then, we're just gonna have to tell them the truth.

No. No, no one is telling anyone anything.

Riley and I just got back together, and if she finds out I was lying to her and didn't say anything, then there will be no more back together.

Wait. We wouldn't even be in this mess if the girls found out about the condoms at the same time we did.

I get it. We just keep using the condoms until they notice the holes in them.

No.

We just redo the poker game, and this time we invite them.

And we discover the bad condoms all together. It's genius.

As long as we're doing that, can we also redo the poker game from three weeks ago?

'Cause I lost a ton of money that night.

Roger! No!

I told you, Riley has a boyfriend.

A big giant boyfriend.

But I feel like she's seen the light.

Yeah, well, that light's gonna get real dark once he punches you out.

Riley is worth a thousand punches to the head.

Which clearly, you've already taken.

Listen, Roger. Danny and Riley just got back together.

But currently, their relationship is hanging on by a thread.

And I'm not gonna let you snap it by barging in there and professing your love for her.

So Riley's in there? And I have a chance?

Riley, I'm coming for you!

Oh, no, you're not! No, you're not!

No, you're not! I can do this all day, pretty boy!

You are going down!

Bring it on, Roger. Bring it on!

The roof!

Ohh, damn it!

Roger! No! No, no, no!

Well, this is a first.

You guys inviting us to poker night.

Where are the chips?

Oh. It's normally a $20 buy-in, but... we can make this a friendly game, right?

Condoms.

Wow, that's... pretty friendly.

Oh, you're not going anywhere.

(both grunting)

Damn, you're bony!

Ow!

Five-card draw, one-eyed Jacks are wild.

Riley, do you have enough chips?

Or do you want a couple of mine?

I'm good. Thanks. Uh, I'll take two.

What? This is weird.

Wow, this condom has a bunch of holes in it.

Wow, and... Oh, my God, you guys, here we are all just discovering it for the very first time.

Well, lucky you found it now, am I right?

I'll take one.

(stammers) Hey! Wait.

This condom has a couple of holes in it, too.

I wonder if they all do?

Oh, my God, Danny, you're right.

They must all be defective.

Then let's make sure we don't use those.

Three, please.

What if we've already used them?

Surely someone must be thinking that?

Anyone?

Aah! Pull me back up!

Only if you leave Riley alone!

Never!

Are you sure, Roge? You're gettin' pretty heavy.

Ben, so what if we all used your condoms?

I think we'd know if we were pregnant, right, ladies?

Of course.

Yeah, totally.

Ah! Full house! Read 'em and weep!

The cards don't lie.

The cards don't, but we do!

Riley, you're pregnant. You're all pregnant!

I really wanted to tell you about the condoms, but they didn't let me.

I'm so sorry, please, please, don't break up with me again.

Our child needs a father!

I liked it better when you didn't know anything.

I'm not pregnant.

Okay? None of us are.

That's not true, you have all the symptoms.

No, the only symptoms we have are dating a bunch of idiots.

Your mom told us about the holes in the condoms.

Thank God for her, she saved our lives.

(grunting, panting)

Oh, my God! You saved my life.

Yeah, that's right. So now you'll leave Riley alone?

Riley!

Dammit!

I'm sorry.

I didn't know what to do.

Well, here's a crazy idea: maybe tell the truth next time.

Eh, she'll be fine. I'll call her tomorrow.

Wow, Tucker, too bad your girlfriend isn't very understanding.

Thank God mine is.

Right?

You almost gave me a heart att*ck.

The last thing I want to do right now is have a kid.

Trust me, neither do I. Eventually, sure, but right now, no, thank you. Am I right?

So right. Not now, and actually, not ever.

Riley, I think you're right.

We should just forget this ever happened.

I never said that.

Could you?

Danny, you should've followed your instincts, and not let anyone... Ben or Tucker... talk you out of telling me.

We have to believe that our relationship is strong enough that we don't have to hide anything from each other, that there's absolutely nothing that I wouldn't tell you about.

Riley, I love you! And I know you love me!

Is there something you wanna tell me?

No, I'm good.

So, let's never do that again.

By "again" you mean the use of defective condoms, right?

Because if we're never doing the other thing again, I foresee some issues with our relationship.

Yes, I meant the condoms.

But let's maybe triple down from now on.

The whole kid thing is a little too much for me.

Yeah... about that. Did you really mean you never wanna have kids?

I did, it's just... not something I see in my future.

But... I have a kid, and she's definitely in my future.

Oh, and I will totally get used to that.

I can deal with Emma.

Yeah... see... "deal with" and "used to" are not exactly the words a father wants to hear about his little girl.

Plus... I want more kids.

Having a brother growing up was part of what made me who I am.

I'm sorry, Ben, it's just not who I am.

I can't believe I'm about to say this, but... if that's how you truly feel, then I don't think we have a future, Sam.

You're kidding, right?

After all we went through to get here?

But here without a family is nowhere for me. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, too.

Hey! Has anyone seen Roger?

Nope? You know... you two make a nice couple.

Well, it is a relief to know that I'm not gonna be a grandma again right away.

But you know, those tests are not always accurate this early in pregnancy.

Okay. Well, I guess I know what I'm doing in my lunch hour.

Here is your tea, your folder on Jonson case and I had your parking validated.

***

***

So, you still haven't fired him yet?

I can't.

Remember, boss' son?

Yeah, yeah, about that, hum...

You know what? Never mind.