03x03 - The Thank-You Note

[bunniefuu]

You do not have my permission to die.

Your brother has perished.

Julius is dead?

My Uncle Julius was there always.

Are you gonna do something?

Oh, I'll do something.

I'm gonna f*ck up...

Cassie: Oh, my God!

I am not gonna press charges.

This is not up to you, Mr. Calloway.

The people will forgo prosecution.

I'd insist on therapy and community service for Mary Charles.

There was a dashboard video from the truck.

Your uncle ran the red light.

The accident was Julius' fault.

Hey, Reggie. It's Tom Werner.

Hey, Tom.

What do you know about hockey?

Nothing.

Listen, I'm coming down to Atlanta next week.

I think we should talk about getting into business together.

"With sympathy from Richard and Dihane Freeman."

Atlanta philanthropists whose names are on every museum in town.

♪

[g*nsh*t] MAN: Oh, yeah!

[laughing]

Missy: Nice job, baby!

Man: Ho! Hoo!

That was something!

Thank you.

That's what I'm talking about.

Thank you, thank you.

Beautiful!

Where did you learn to sh**t like that?

The playground.

Where he also learned facetiousness.

[laughs]

Hey, everybody, this Yankee over here got skills.

Yeah.

[laughs]

Here we go. [g*nsh*t]

What kind of people invite you sh**ting in a condolence letter?

Rich people with shotguns.

I thought I was coming here to watch y'all hunt some bears or something, not chase after some f*cking farm pigeons in the mud.

Hey, listen, these Freeman folks, they got to be important.

They got seven black people holding r*fles and I ain't seen one guy in an A*F jacket.

Inviting people hunting is how some folks make friends down here.

Stop acting like you knew that before they invited you.

Southerners hear about a death in the family, they extend their hands.

And their long-barreled weapons.

When in Rome, do as the Romans do.

When in Georgia, k*ll birds.

Duck, please.

Where?

No, as in your head.

I do not wish to d*ck Cheney you.

[g*nsh*t]

[cheering]

Almost touched up your fade.

You k*lled that bird like it owed you money.

US Treasury bills which are worthless.

Richard first took me here when we marched on Washington protesting the Vietnam w*r.

It's amazing how gripping a shotgun can help you cope with your anger in a chaotic world.

Oh, I'm quitting therapy and just doing this.

Ain't no amount of cognitive insight helpful as pulling a trigger.

If I sh**t in the ground, will I strike oil?

No, but you won't be the first person losing a foot trying.

Make sure I'm far away when you try that.

Hey, this family can't afford any ricochets.

You know, for hundreds of years, a black man couldn't even own a g*n in the South.

That was then, but this is now.

Cassie: Oh, here we go.

[g*nshots]

Dead bird dropping.

[Cheering]

Oh!

Hey, what are you doing?

Finishing the k*ll.

When you really get them spinning, they whistle.

[whooshing] [laughs]

Oh, yeah.

Thank you so much for having us.

Oh, you're very welcome.

♪

Well, well, well, Mr. Vaughn.

I think that went well, well, well.

Yeah. I would have to agree.

You were like Bradley Cooper out there.

You think? In the flick where he played the dude who won the w*r for America?

The sn*per one?

Yeah, no, no, he didn't win that w*r.

That w*r is still... regardless, great sh**ting.

Who knew?

It's basically just Call of Duty except the birds are helpless and they can't sh**t back.

We're gonna be tight with the Freemans now, Reggie.

[sighs] Well, that's a good thing because Tom Werner called me.

Hockey deal fell apart. f*cking Canadian people.

Much more devious than anyone thinks.

I mean, they will s*ab you in the f*cking back.

Okay, so the rich white guy let you down, but the rich black guy will not.

For the first time, I'm excited about Atlanta.

Because this Atlanta, the Freemans' Atlanta, is an octopus.

It's got its tentacles in publishing, finance, real estate.

The Freemans' Atlanta is octopus Atlanta.

The foundation Cam wants to start might have just bagged its first whale.

So wait, is it a whale or is it an octopus?

I just had a small climax just saying that.

Well, I got some wet wipes in my glove box.

I'm just saying that.

♪ Hey, hey, oh, I'm blind ♪

♪ To all those women, girl... ♪

[laughing, chatting]

♪ But I can, I can only see you... ♪

Why would she do it?

So, we've got honey roasted pheasant, pheasant in orange sauce, pheasant hash, and Mother Hubbard's White Lightning.

What's in that?

Pheasant.

They've been hung at 50 degrees for three days for best taste and texture, then plucked, gutted, and prepared.

Bridget, can I just get some chicken, please?

Oh, sure, much more humane.

It's not like a chicken is raised in a river of its own filth, then hung upside down by shackles connected by a rail that conveys it to a k*ll machine where a blade cuts its throat and it bleeds to death.

And bon appétit, everybody.

[all laughing]

I don't understand how it can be enjoyable to take life.

That's because in your line of work, you save life.

But you in a bubble, so it's hard for you to see points of view.

Actually, she's an MRI tech, so technically she scans life.

Well, I ain't in that bubble and I don't understand hunting either.

Or fishing, as a matter of fact.

Fish don't feel no pain.

How do you know? Are you a fish that has a hook in its mouth?

They don't cry or whimper or scream and sh*t.

They might. I mean, underneath water is muffled. You can't hear it.

No, I saw a TV show. Their brains are too small for pain.

If their brains are so small, then how come those TV fishermen need to have machines to help them find the fish?

So you don't fish, but you watch fishing shows?

No, I flip through on the way to something that ain't about death.

Good for you, Mr. Sport Fisherman.

You outsmarted an animal with the brain

the size of a marble.

Nobody fished here.

You know, people don't like fish because they can't see the humanity in its face.

In fact, it's impossible for you to see a fish's whole face at once.

This is true.

May I go?

Oh, yes, Bridget. Thank you.

Allison: Hunting, fishing, all they tell me is humanity hasn't progressed in 60,000 years, which is sad.

I hate to contradict, but cavemen were stumbling around eating bark and bushes until they figured out how to k*ll sh*t.

Cavemen didn't k*ll for sport. They honored the animals.

Native Americans thanked the buffalo for giving them life.

Yeah, then they put hot sauce on that sh*t and ate it.

Part of our job in the 70 or 80 years that we're given is to nudge the boulder of human evolution a few inches up the hill.

Up what hill? Where?

No, no, Ma.

This is her TED Talk. Go ahead, Allison.

We do this by making ethical choices.

We're kind to strangers.

We're fair in our minds. We say please and thank you.

We don't k*ll things that aren't trying to k*ll us.

You know, this is a good topic for my podcast.

Julius and I were gonna do a podcast, but I'm gonna do it in his memory.

I... I purchased all the equipment.

You need to come on and talk about this.

She just talked about it and, trust me, more people are listening now.

This is gonna be big, you watch.

My eyes are peeled.

[laughing]

What'd you say in your thank-you note to the Freemans?

What thank-you note?

The thank-you note...

You didn't write the Freemans a thank-you note?

No, all I did was... was thank him.

I hugged him thank you in the field, and then dapped him thank you at the lodge, and then I pounded him thank you in the parking lot.

The man was... was thanked. It was a thorough thanking.

You don't know what you're talking about.

Yes, and he said, "You're welcome."

Then he said, "The pleasure's all mine."

Then he said, "Don't mention it."

I thank him again, he's liable to sh**t me.

[all laugh]

We didn't send a thank-you note.

A: shocking.

B: I ain't worried about you.

When I bought you that stationery...

I said thank you, yeah, and you were satisfied.

I didn't have to write a thank-you note for the thank-you notes.

And that upset me.

Then why didn't you tell me that then?

Because last Christmas you gave me the photo of the cat that said, "Don't sweat the small stuff."

Reggie: Right, so don't sweat the small stuff.

This isn't small stuff.

Then you write the thank-you note.

You're closer by blood to the deceased.

Wait, there are rules to this?

The white people who wrote etiquette books had a great deal of time on their hands.

And blood, but at least they were polite.

What did you think the stationery was for?

For my birthday.

Write the note.

If it'll shut her up, I'll write the damn note.

[all laugh]

[chatting]

I love it when couples fight and I'm not in the couple.

♪

Dr. Roycroft: I'm glad that you've decided to start attending your therapy sessions, Mary Charles.

They have a much better chance of working when you're here.

Well, I want to feel better.

Also, it was either this or prison.

That pisses me off, but...

Well, tell me some of the things that piss you off.

Oh, we only have 50 minutes, right?

Okay... [clears throat] things that piss me off.

My mother, birds, podcasts.

What makes you think you're interesting?

Uh, my mother's boyfriend when he drops knowledge 'cause he... he thinks his money and... and success mean he's smart.

People who say I'm Cam's sister when they should really say he's my brother 'cause I'm older.

Public relations 'cause it sounded cool and it was actually my job until I turned into a public relations nightmare myself.

Which is a disadvantage in that career.

My brother 'cause he got the world-class talent and I got the neighborhood-class talent.

You know what else pisses me off? Being a girl.

Sometimes being a girl is just really shitty.

Because I get these periods and not these little dainty periods where it's like drip-drop, drip-drop.

I'm talking jugular-slitting blood flow.

I got to wear diapers to bed.

I'm not even 40!

People who say they don't judge me for being gay, but secretly they do. My mother.

People ask me why I have a Boston accent.

That f*cking pisses me off.

Do you... I grew up in Dorchester.

Sorry I didn't go to college and learn how to talk all proper like my brother Cam.

I f*cking raised this kid.

He tells me 50 cents for a Coke.

Who f*cking does that? Yeah, I'll give you a little tune-up.

This is the hand that God dealt me.

I'm a lesbian who speaks like she's actually from where the f*ck she's from.

I'm from Dorchester. This is the way we talk.

I hate women who stop being hot to me after I bang them five or six times.

My father, f*ck you, and also what's your name?

My mother. Having to say these things to you.

Myself. Is that enough?

Do you think your mother would consider joining us for a session?

No.

Ask her.

No, I'm good.

♪

What's taking so long?

It has been a while since I wrote by hand.

Everything looks like a ransom note.

It is not that hard.

Have you made a cursive Q recently?

They're f*cking intricate.

I could have sent 35 emails by now.

Yes, and that is the point.

What word are you using that has a Q?

This is the fifth piece of stationery, which based on the price per sheet, means that this thank-you note cost $7.92.

[sighs]

"We f*cked them birds up"?

Yeah, and?

"Get at me"?

Why not?

You're not talking to your homies.

True, because nobody has talked to their homies since 1992.

I knew it was retro when I said it.

No, you didn't.

How about "Yours warmly" or "With our very best"?

And don't forget to cross out your printed name.

And why would I do that?

Because it says we're friends who don't need our printed names on the notes we pass between us.

Why have the name, then? That's most of the cost of the stationery.

That's why you have the names.

Because it says we're refined and we know that in better homes there's personal stationery with raised letters and a watermark.

And trust me, they will check.

[sighs] Jesus.

It's just like having a piano in your living room even if nobody plays.

And a dictionary on a stand and original art. Never prints.

Well, I will go for the art and the dictionary, but f*ck the piano. That sh*t is expensive.

A used Bosendorfer is 60K.

How much is art?

It's all a language.

And people like the Freemans, they build a social set through an elaborate array of symbols and messages.

[stammering] The man was twirling a dead bird.

Yes, but with irony.

And in his position, he can do that.

He can be recreationally unsophisticated.

But we can't?

Around them?

Maybe one day, but not yet.

And never in a thank-you note.

Now, what stamp were you thinking of?

One that sticks.

Don't use the Louis Armstrong stamps.

- Why not?

Too on the nose.

Coastal birds.

Which bird?

I don't know what f*cking bird.

Missy, nobody's looking at the damn stamp.

Reggie, this is the world I'm from.

I know the rules like you know basketball or the streets.

Everything is a test. We either pass or we don't.

Pass for white? No, thank you.

No, they can keep their Da Vinci Code bullshit.

Reggie, baby, come on.

We talk about this all the time, what we might do to accelerate our emergence into our destined lives.

And now we're here.

Do you want to be who you are or do you want to be who you want to be?

What about that Q, though?

Am I right?

♪

[laughs] I am not going to anybody's therapy.

It's a session. One session.

You call it a session, I call it an ambush.

I know you think I'm to blame for all your troubles.

Not all. Some.

I just... I just want to talk it through.

Talk what through? We talked it through. I'm through talking it through.

I don't have to go there and take it in the neck from this lady, too.

Why leave the house and pay for abuse when you can get it right at home for free?

Forget I asked.

See? Now that's what I'm talking about.

There's progress. Living and learning.

Maybe it won't be like that.

Excuse me? Were you saying something?

You know what?

I'm just following Dr. Roycroft's orders.

Everybody else is to blame, huh, Mary Charles?

Everybody else in this world is f*cked up except you.

Not the whole world.

You know, why don't you tell this f*cking Dr. Rycroft or Roycroft or whatever the f*ck her name is... that she doesn't need to work on you, okay? You're perfect.

All she got to do is invite everybody else on this earth into her office.

Good, yeah. I'll do that.

Ma, if she's asking you to go and the doctor thinks it's a good idea for you to go, then maybe you should go.

You know, I'm beginning to dislike your days off.

I mean, aren't you a... a role model or something?

Go talk to some f*cking kids.

Look, you got to go see this shrink because the judge said so.

Fine. Go. But if she's making you think too much about something, just stop thinking about it, okay? Pray it off.

Stop making it everybody else's business.

Look, Mary Charles, you got a new hairstyle. You look good.

Thanks. Okay.

Move forward, you know?

Okay, so we have pheasant chili, pheasant fajitas, and pheasant Parmesan hoagie.

How we still got pheasant left?

Uh, you k*lled a lot of birds.

♪

Hi, I'm Cassie Calloway and welcome to the world premiere of my podcast in honor of my brother Julius, Things We Think That You Should Think, Too.

With me I have my son, Atlanta basketball phenom Cameron Calloway, and his boo Allison Pierce, and captain of industry Da Chen Bao, who so happens to be my bae, and my proud lesbian daughter Mary Charles.

Okay, we'll start by... Cam, can you please pull a question from the jar and tell us what you think we should think, too.

Okay, Ma.

No, no, no, you could call me Cassie in this forum.

Not a chance. [Laughs]

"Tell us something you swear you'd never tell another soul."

Ooh, that's a good one.

Ooh, these some good ass questions I made up.

No, I'm not gonna tell you something I swore I would never tell another soul.

Again, no one's listening.

You're listening.

Not really.

Truthfully, I can't hear sh*t out of these head cans.

f*cking Japanese, they made good sh*t for five minutes in the '80s, they've been dining out on it ever since.

Okay, we'll... we'll come back to Cam.

Uh, he's being a podcast diva right now.

Allison.

Okay, Mrs. Calloway.

Oh, you can call me Cassie. Oh, my God, you're so cute.

Y'all should see her. She looks like a... a brown-skinned Care Bear.

[laughs]

"What's all this about... truffle butter?"

I mean, why did younger people like yourself ruin truffles?

Why are we doing this?

Oh, no, you don't have to discuss your own butter.

I mean, I respect your privacy.

Let's focus on the general public's butter.

When did the term "truffle butter" first be put into widespread use? Go.

Mom, are all your questions gonna be like this?

You know, my turn.

Mary Charles' turn.

Hmm.

When are we gonna talk about my father?

Um, that question was not in the jar.

We're gonna take a five-minute break.

Black five or white five?

A black five.

Okay, see you tomorrow.

Reggie. Reggie.

Mm? Is it a spider?

How did you spell Dihane in your thank-you note?

How did I spell... oh, Missy, are you sh1tting me?

No, I need to know.

For f*ck... I spelled it like you spell Diane. D-I-A-N-E.

sh*t! sh*t, sh*t, sh*t, sh*t.

Will you please stop saying sh*t? sh*t is bad.

It's D-I-H-A-N-E.

That's "Dehiney."

Don't put the paper in my face.

I'm still in airplane mode.

I knew that and I missed it when I saw it in your note.

f*cking rich people, they name their kid Diane and they say, "You know what? We got to rich this up. Let's add a H to it."

Because I had to deal with all your "get at me" sh*t.

Okay, Missy, it's done, all right?

Frankly, you add H to Diane, you're looking for trouble.

And anyway, things in this world ain't perfect.

It's the thought that counts.

It is not the thought that counts.

That is a well-known phrase for a reason because it's true.

The thought does not count in matters of gratitude conveyance because the human species does not have the ability to mind read.

Chen is working on it. He's got a lab in Eastern China.

They can tell when monkeys are about to jerk off.

There's an entire stationery industry, floral industry, greeting card industry that attests to the fact that the thought does not count.

The thought is nothing. Nothing.

Who... nobody sends greeting cards anymore, not even to their homies.

And anyway, we both made the mistake.

Which takes me to my third point.

We're doomed as a power couple. We don't communicate.

You know what? When you say communicate, you mean you tell me what to do and I do it and you tell me what to say and I say it.

That is not communicating. That is "ventriloquating."

Which you can't say because it isn't a word and you can't write because it has a Q.

Okay, well, I'm communicating to you that I no longer want to communicate about this anymore.

Good night.

If a thing is worth doing, it is worth doing right.

Missy, I never thought it was worth doing.

We're about to get divorced over a typo.

We'll rewrite the note, drive it to their house, intercept the mailman, then make the switch.

If by we, you mean you, good luck and don't get sh*t.

Hopefully they don't notice the uncancelled stamp.

Have you ever considered popping an Ativan?

Because you have lost your mind. It is fine the way it is.

It is not fine. It is a stain.

It'll scream insincerity. It'll say we don't know or we don't care enough to spell the woman's name correctly, that we're just social climbers.

It's a dumb name and we are just social climbers.

She can't know that.

Oh, she knows.

And who the f*ck invites somebody to sh**t birds they don't even know after their uncle dies?

Nobody knew those birds.

Those are just anonymous birds out there bred to be sh*t.

Enough, okay? f*ck the thank-you note.

f*ck Richard and f*ck Dehiney.

I'm going back to bed.

[sighs] Okay.

We can do it in the morning.

I am not rolling the dice on that.

Mail comes next day in high net worth neighborhoods.

Frequently early. And you took three hours to write the first draft.

[rattling]

Ma, it's 2:30 in the morning. What's up?

Oh, this fridge is gonna k*ll me.

Fridges don't k*ll people, Ma.

People with noisy parents in the middle of the night k*ll people.

I'm sorry, baby.

When I get too old to climb the stairs, we'll switch.

You can just take the elevator.

We got a elevator?

It's the door right next to Reggie's office.

Oh, I never looked in there.

[chuckles] What are you wanting?

Anything without game bird.

I hear you. Check the crisper.

There's probably a moose head in there.

[chuckles] Yeah.

Ma, I'm worried about Mary Charles.

Cam.

I know, it's not my business.

Except it is.

And I am.

Ma, we know my father is a deadbeat.

We don't even know who her father is.

It's a question worth answering.

No, it's not.

And I'm running out of ways of asking you both not to ask me.

Mary Charles been crazy her whole life.

Maybe because you've been calling her crazy all her life.

This feels different. Deeper.

And maybe more dangerous.

She's trying, Cassie.

It k*lled her to ask you to come to her therapy, but she did it.

I think you should go.

You should call me Ma now.

Good.

Yeah?

You don't sense rage in the penmanship?

No.

All right.

Current cost of the thank-you note experiment...

2,050.

Hold the envelope for the wax.

Can't. Late for jousting class.

Just hold the envelope.

Ow! m*therf*cker!

I can't wait to mail this letter.

♪

Do you understand how much other sh*t I have to do?

And we are a go.

A go? Are you serious?

Sir. How are you doing?

Um, I wonder if we could ask a small favor.

We're friends of the Freemans and that envelope we sent and then realized it has an embarrassing misspelling.

Would it be okay if we swapped it out with this one?

No.

It's just a thank-you note.

Do you know how often people ask me for the mail?

Really? 'Cause where I'm from, most people try to dodge the mail.

Reggie.

No, no, listen, Officer.

Postal Officer. We hate to ask.

I mean, you have no idea how much we hate it, but thank-you notes are extremely important, apparently.

It's a federal crime.

Yeah, but it's a minor one.

Right? Like a felony thank you.

Theft of mail matter. I would lose my job and you would go to prison. You wouldn't flourish there.

Sir, that is our mail.

Not once you put it in the mailbox.

See, then it's the mail.

Okay, well, see how the handwriting matches?

The cursive like that of a little Russian girl.

Okay, I get it. This is your profession.

You are a man of mail.

So let's just say it's Christmas, huh? Merry Christmas.

And now we have conspiracy to bribe a federal employee.

No, no, no. This is just a Christmas gift for my letter carrier.

It's March.

An Easter gift.

And I'm not your letter carrier.

But that's my letter and you're carrying it.

So, hey, happy Easter. Look, Jesus has arisen.

Sir, if you stop now, I won't have you arrested.

Only because I like your suede shoes.

Missy, hey, hey, hey, hey, come here.

We tried. The opera is over.

We have lives. Let us resume leading them.

Hey, and if you even suggest that we go home and write an apology note for the f*cked-up thank-you note, I will never communicate with you again.

Go with the mailman.

No.

Come clean to Richard and Dihane.

Just throw yourself at their mercy.

Missy, they will think we are insane.

They will appreciate your concern.

So why don't you go?

Because it's cute coming from the husband.

Men are allowed to be befuddled by these things, but coming from the wife, it's just pathetic.

Now you're just making sh*t up and you're reinforcing a gender stereotype.

Do you like receiving oral sex?

[doorbell rings]

Hey, look, you need to ease back.

You all in my postal zone.

I can't believe you turned down two bills.

Frankly, moral choices are expensive.

Here you are, Mr. Freeman.

Hey, Richard.

Beautiful house.

Thanks, Jim. Hi, Reggie.

It's his now.

What's going on?

You'll never believe this, but I... forgot to put a H in your wife's name.

I feel terrible. Missy pointed it out.

Hey, anyone ever told you don't sweat the small stuff?

Hey, has anyone ever told you go f*ck yourself?

Oh, I just did. Good-bye.

But I'm embarrassed and this is probably completely unnecessary...

I'm glad you did it. I mean, it don't mean sh*t to me...

[laughs]

... but Dihane is very sensitive.

She thinks God is in the details, so this would have been worse than not getting a thank-you note at all.

May I? Here you go.

Yeah.

Thank you so much. And, hey... [laughs]

I will not let Dihane dwell on the lack of a postmark.

But look at that, coastal birds.

I think it's an osprey.

I have never sh*t an osprey. You?

Uh...

Just kidding.

[both laugh]

Missy's in the bushes, isn't she?

Yes, she is, Richard.

Ain't marriage grand?

It's a f*cking sh**ting party.

[laughs]

Well?

You were right.

That's all I'm saying.

♪

[door opens]

I expect to find two living human beings in here in an hour.

[door closes]

Dihane's voice: "Dear Missy and Reggie, just a short note thanking you for your lovely thank-you note.

The pleasure was ours. You're both great people and we look forward to seeing much more of you.

And once again, our deepest condolences at the passing of your beloved Uncle Julian."

♪ But you just can't win ♪
♪ But you just can't win ♪
♪ But you just can't win ♪