01x12 - Only the Lonely

[bunniefuu]

Previously on "Still the King"...

You guys want me back Previoin the group.

The only way we'd let you back in, is if you walked... through the door with a living, breathing squatch.

Walt: If it's proof they want, it's proof they're gonna get.

Debbie: She cheated on you?

Let me show you what a real Pool and Spa Depot girl... can do to boost your sales.

Call my assistant next week... we'll set up a time for you to come in.

You've been treating me like a second-class citizen all day.

Sounds to me like somebody's a little jealous.

I thought we were friends, but it's clear to me... you don't need friends.

It's this Indy Music Fest. So you want to come with?

Oh, my god!

Someone named Charlotte says you're dead to her.

Vernon (V.O.): For the record... I guess I'm not that good a driver after all. It's true what they say... Déjà Vu ain't just a strip club in Nashville. In my defense, it's been a rough couple days. Now I know this looks bad. But at least things can't get any worse. Although I had been wrong before.

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

(KNOCK ON DOOR)

Oh, just great.

Hello, Vernon.

Hey.

How are you?

Thought I'd pop by and pay the pizza party forward.

You know what? Ah, it's really not a good time right now.

Oh, c'mon, any time is a good time for a pizza party!

My mother is upstairs sleeping... so it's not a good time.

Man, well, I've been going through a bit of a tough time... man, and I know you know how it is to go through a tough time... and all that, just... Mm-mm!

I don't know what flavor hand sanitizer you're using there...

D-Train, but it smells delicious!

Oh... I didn't realize we were expecting company.

Durwood, this is Vernon Brown.

He just popped by.

Mm, I hate pop-bys.

So do I! I hate 'em!

You and I are like identical twin brothers.

Might as well make the best of it.

This pizza ain't gonna eat itself.

It isn't.

Thank you, my friend.

Hey, Doily, you know, if your mom is sleeping... if you wanted to just take the pizza over to my place...

Ssh, ssh, hey, hey, hey, hey!

Tammy sleeps lighter than a box of feathers, just...

Let's just see what we got here.

Agh! No... no, thank you.

What is it?

As an American, I don't know why anybody... would choose Canadian bacon. Yeah.

You might as well walk up to... an American slaughterhouse worker... and punch his entire extended family right in the mouth.

Right in the mouth.

I'm not sure that's an accurate analogy... but that's more pizza for me and you, I guess.

Well, you know what? I'm not gonna eat it... I'm not gonna eat it. Yeah, I'm a patriot.

There we go... patriot.

Bah-bah-bah-bah. Bah-bah.

Here's to the U.S. OF A!

You know Debbie said she doesn't even want to see me no more... so I can really relate to all the heartbreak... that you went through with Sylvia.

Wha... Sylvia? First of all, it's Cynthia.

And my boy and Cynthia are like two cats in heat right now.

Come on, give me something, you stallion.

Yeah. Durwood here has been a real guiding light... to our inevitable reconciliation...

I'll tell you that.

Yeah, well, that's great, man, 'cause I kind of feel like...

I've lost all hope, to be honest with you.

Agh!

Doily's mom: Mitchell? Mitchell?

Great, Vernon, you woke Tammy up.

Eh... don't worry about it, Doily. I'll take care of it.

Thank you, are you sure? Are you positive?

Tammy?

Thank you so much, my friend.

Tammy?

I'm coming with your body pillow.

Okay, Vernon, that was fun, right?

Here we go! Here we go! Pizza party is over.

That was fun. Thanks for coming.

Um, can I have the pizza back?

You know what, no.

Ronnie, come on, quit stuffin' your face... and help me find a family size box of gravy barrels.

Sorry, babe, didn't come here to shop. I came to sample.

No... way. Pamela?

You know, I'm gonna go pretend I randomly ran into her... so I can brag about my life.

We'll split up.

We can sample more ground that way.

Our dietary powder is chock-full of fiber... but, it's absolutely delicious!

Oh, Pamela! Hey! Aw, look at you... peddlin' poop powder.

Did you need a sample, Deborah?

Might help unlodge that stick up your ass.

You know, why not?

I gotta get bikini ready... now that I'm the Pool and Spa Depot Girl.

Oh, looks like you've got your work cut out for you.

Thanks to your porta-potty passions... with some faceless carnie.

Vernon didn't seem to have any complaints.

What did you say?

Oh, he didn't tell you?

Looks like he got off of your merry-go-round... and hopped onto mine.

You think I care? I got a man.

Look, baby, I got 12.

Got your mail.

You can keep it, Carl.

But I got the DNA results you were asking me about... every single day for so many months.

Remember, you were like...

"Like where's my expletive, expletive DNA results, Carl?"

Like I'm the one that did DNA results... not just delivered them.

Oh, my god, do you know what this means?

No.

Six percent undetermined.

It means... it means my theory is correct!

Oh... I was right!

Oh, this is unprofessional.

I was right! I was right!

Uh-huh.

They have to let me back in the PMS group now.

Okay.

I was right!

Whoo! I'm back, Carl! I'm back!

Whoo-hoo-hoo!

Is that him again?

Yeah, all morning.

I'm sorry, baby, you know I just...

I thought he'd finally gotten his act together.

I just wish I hadn't wasted my time on this stupid article.

It's literally eight pages of what a bastard he is.

Why don't you give it to him?

Let him read it, you know? He should know how you feel.

No, Mom, no, no, I can't do that, I just had to get it out.

I love you.

I love you, too.

Even if you don't want to see him...

I'll support that decision, okay?

And I know marriage is a roller coaster.

You know, sometimes there's highs, sometimes there's lows... but it's always a thrill!

You okay, Pastor Johnson?

Vernon: Where is he?

I need a word with you, preacher.

Maybe we just need a minute.

Oh, yup! No problem! Happy to leave!

You know, I knew you were a dog and a liar... but I didn't know you were a con-man, too.

I'm afraid I'm not following.

You wanna take a minute to calm down?

Don't tell me to calm down!

Well, it's hard not to with that vein popping out... of your forehead like...

You know, Charlotte wrote all about you in her article.

"What it's like to be the daughter of a one-hit wonder."

It's about my music?

No, jack ass, it's about all your lies!

I'm sure your P.O. would love to see this.

Did she turn it in?

No... because unlike you, she has a heart.

You know, you're nothing but a selfish prick... who only cares about his ego... and his cheap county fair meat-sundae tryst!

Hey, you are not a county fair...

Not me, idiot! That slut, Pamela!

Hey, well, wait a minute now.

That was just a momentary lapse in judgment... which I deeply regret.

And by the way, that was way before you and I... had our super meaningful boat sex.

You know, save it, Vernon, this is about Charlotte!

Now I might have fallen for your white-trash...

Prince Charming act once...

Twice.

Well, as far as I'm concerned, that night never happened.

Pastor Johnson, is everything okay..

Get out, Gidget!

Okay.

I want you out of our lives, forever.

You know, Charlotte didn't want you to see this.

But I think you should know what an ass[BLEEP] you are.

Hey! I don't need to read this to tell me what an ass I am.

♪ Where's your sense of good lovin' ♪
♪ Kick me out the door ♪

I mean, Doily's a pathetic dude!

So what the hell's that make me?

Don't mean to eavesdrop on you, son... but during my stay on this rock called earth...

I found a few truths.

You don't know how to get up unless you've fallen down.

And you ain't learn your lesson until your lesson get learned.

Wow... that's deep. Yeah.

Here's another truth for you.

You can't talk your silly nonsense... with my boot shoved up your ass!

You've had enough, gimme that drink! Get out of my bar!

Hey, you don't want my kind... then we're just gonna have to agree to disagree, sir.

Well, you just need to get the hell out of here.

Come on, let's go!

I'll take wh... you want... By god, I'll be glad to go!

All right, don't come back.

I don't want none of your damn bull[BLEEP]!

You know what? I don't give a [BLEEP] what you think.

I Don't...

Hi, there, how are you?

I'm Debbie, I'm the new Pool and Spa Depot girl.

Could you just let someone know I'm here?

Take a seat over there with the others.

The others?

I'm sorry, I think there's been some sort of mistake.

See, I am the Pool and Spa Depot girl.

Uh-huh.

Uh-huh.

You and everybody else.

Take a seat and fill this out.

Mm, just grow up so fast, don't they?

Which one's your daughter?

Oh, there she is! Hey, Deb.

There he is, hi!

Thank you so much for coming.

You know, in a million years...

I never would've thought of having these auditions... if it hadn't been for you.

Thank you, sweetheart!

I'm just happy to help.

Well, I'm happy you're happy.

Now, being a Pool and Spa Depot girl... is about a lot more than just beauty.

So, let's get started with round one, the pose-off!

Okay, come on, girls, let's do it!

Let's see what you got, girls!

(MUSIC PLAYING)

Ladies and gentleman, may I present... our ultra-relaxing fountain feature!

It's the ultimate way to tickle away anything that tingles!

All right, well, I guess we've got our two finalists!

Ladies, rest up... because tomorrow are the finals and then one of you... is gonna be crowned the new Pool and Spa Depot girl!

I can't wait.

Keep waiting, dumb ass.

Kenny, your initiation into the Paranormal Men's Society... is a great honor, but you must be prepared to be mocked.

Can I have the mocking stick?

Muz didn't bring it back.

Seriously... Kenny?

Gentlemen, I'd like to make a last minute... addition to the agenda!

You gotta stop coming to our secret locations... or we're gonna have to find a new bar... to be our secret location.

You wanted proof, there it is.

Dale is the son of Sasquatch!

What's this?

I tested his DNA. The results speak for themselves.

Six percent, undetermined.

But aren't all humans six percent undetermined?

Not now, Kenny.

You realize what this means?

I'm back in the group?

You're darn right.

Could we go back to my initiation?

Shut up, Kenny!

If this is true, all of America is gonna know about P.M.S... and what we are capable of.

We could take him on the road. We could make him fight bears.

We could breed him! I think my sister would do it with him.

Kenny, no one wants to do it with your sister! She's gross.

She's gross.

She's pretty attractive.

We are gonna be rich!

I hear Sasquatch toes go for big money on the black market!

After ivory and gluten-free meth!

Uh, I think we should be more responsible... with the way we deal with him.

I don't think we should just k*ll him right away.

I think we should be friends with him.

We could work with him, you know? Like, as a team.

Let me stop you right there.

I want to mount his head above my fireplace, right?

And then we pop his eye balls out and we juggle 'em... in a traveling road show.

Ha-ha! I was just messi" with you idiots!

Son of Sasquatch... it's ridiculous.

I-I'm sorry, I don't know what you're saying right now, Walt.

I was making the whole thing up, just to mess with you guys.

You guys are so stupid.

Oh, I know, we can breed him with my sister.

You idiots! You should have seen the look on your faces.

That's not funny, Walt! It's not funny when it happens to us.

You just got yourself re-kicked out of the group!

Kenny, make a note in the log book!

Well, Muz has that, too.

I hate you so much right now, Kenny! You get lost, Walt!

Gentlemen, it has been a pleasure.

Not.

That's it! New secret location, Fuddruckers Main Street!

Walt: Heard that!

Guys! Get lost!

Hey! Hey! Whoo!

Easy, ese! I could've k*lled you, man!

You do not know how bad I need a taco!

Me, hungry! You, taco!

You shoulda seen the way... my little girl looked at me, Taco Steve.

Then she wrote this.

It's all in there... right there!

She wrote it about what a crap ass dad I am.

I can't read it. I can't read it!

It is hard.

No, I mean, I really can't logistically read it.

I'm seeing double. Would you read it to me, Taco?

Okay.

"My dad... he has many talents... but being a father... is not one of them.

What it means, dead-b*at?

She's right about that, too.

Everything she wrote is right.

I have not been a very good dad.

You know, it's never too late to change.

I believe it was Arnold Bennett who wrote...

"The chief beauty of time... is that you cannot waste it in advance."

Wow, I was not expecting that, Taco.

That's some deep [BLEEP] there!

I know exactly what I gotta do! Take me to church!

You mean a different church?

You wait here! I'll be right back.

Ladies and gentlemen, what a nail-biter!

After yesterday's events... we are down to our final two contestants.

These two lovely, young ladies are neck-and-neck.

Not for long, bitch.

Dream on, trick whore.

Now this next question is for you, Miss Jackie.

Who was the original Pool and Spa Depot girl?

I think the original Pool and Spa Depot girl was someone... who knows pools and spas and depots, and it was someone... that that they um, they rea... people really liked!

Oh, sorry, that's incorrect.

That means, Debbie, that if you can answer this...

It was me! I was the original Pool and Spa Depot girl!

Debbie Lynn Cooke!

That is absolutely right!

Ladies and Gentleman, may I present... the new Pool and Spa Depot girl!

♪ And now here she is the new Spa and Pool Depot girl ♪

You gave that to me, didn't you?

Well, you worked for it, kind of.

(MUSIC PLAYING)

Well, I guess that makes us square.

The P.M.S. guys don't sell you for parts... and I'll pretend not to know who your actual father is.

Did... did you tranq me again?

Look, let's not make this about who tranq'ed who, Dale.

The most important thing is, your secret is safe with me.

You're free to go home now... live amongst your animal friends in the forest.

What are you talking about, man?

I have a house. I cooked you... I cooked you frittata?

Time for you to go, Dale. No.

You're finally home. Go! Be free!

I don't live here. I live like eight miles that way.

Just go, Dale! Go to your home!

I need a ride, man!

The forest calls to you!

No, no, no, no, really... where you going?

Come on, man!

Come on, Taco! We're getting the hell out of here!

Give me the keys! I'm driving!

(SPEAKING SPANISH)

Hang on.

Had about enough of this [BLEEP]!

Where are we going, ese?

Vernon: What's your thoughts on Mexico?

(LATIN MUSIC PLAYING)

Vernon (V.O.): Well, that about brings us up to speed. Charlotte may not have wanted anyone to read her letter. But I've hurt way too many people... and I gotta try to make it right. And there's only one man who hates me enough... to make that happen.