02x12 - The Mike Gaffigan Show

Episode transcripts for the 2015 TV show "The Jim Gaffigan Show". Aired July 15, 2015 - August 21, 2016.
"The Jim Gaffigan Show" is about a stand-up comedian husband and his wife trying to raise their five children in a New York two-bedroom apartment.
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02x12 - The Mike Gaffigan Show

Post by bunniefuu »

[thunder rumbles]

[background chatter]

[man beatboxing out of sync]

♪ ♪ ♪ ♪

[man beatboxing out of sync continues]

♪ ♪

[thunder rumbling]

♪ ♪


Jim. Thank God you're home. The kids are still awake. They're going wild!



I'm like 30 seconds away from ordering a tranquilizer g*n on Amazon.

Why are they still awake?

They're freaked out about the storm.

[kids screaming]

I need you to go in there and tell them go to bed... I'm done.

I'm gonna go and take a long, hot bath. You're on.

All right, I'll deal with it.

[kids chattering]

[overlapping chatter]

What the hell's going on in here?

I want it quiet!

[rain pattering]



[loud thunderclap]

[kids screaming]


[shouting, chatter]

Daddy. Daddy!

Can you cuddle us?

We're scared.

Well, maybe for a little bit.

Could you tell us a story?

All right. I'll tell you one story.

Can it be a good story like Mom tells?

Not one of your boring ones?

Okay. Well, what kind of story do you guys wanna hear?

Uh, Avengers?

Paw Patrol!

Uh, Spider-Man? Superman!


Did your daddy cuddle you when he wasn't at the comedy club?

Well, it was different. My dad wasn't a comedian.

He was a banker.

What's a banker?

A banker is... someone who lends money.

I think.

Anyway, my dad would come home every night right before dinner.

I have a feeling this is gonna be a boring story.


[bright music out of sync]

♪ ♪

Kids, your dad's home!

Turn off the TV. Get out here. Greet your father.

[ice cubes clinking]

[Scotch sloshing]

Jimmy, your father is home.

Get out here!


No, Jimmy, stop eating. You won't be hungry for dinner.

[clears throat]

[mouthing words]

[door thuds shut]

Good evening, Mike.

Welcome home.

Thanks, honey.

kids: Hi, Dad.

[clears throat]

(Deep voice) That yard looks like it went through Vietnam.

You're gonna get out there and clean it up.

But first... let's eat.

Pineapple upside-down cake?


Get out of the g*dd*mn way.

[ice cubes clinking]

[Scotch sloshing]

[Scotch still sloshing]

Kids, it's time for dinner.

["Tie A Yellow Ribbon" plays out of sync]

♪ ♪

♪ I'm comin' home, I've done my time ♪
♪ Now I've got to know what is and isn't mine ♪
♪ If you received my letter telling you I'd soon be free ♪
♪ Then you'll know just what to do ♪
♪ If you still want me ♪
♪ If you still want me ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Whoa, tie a yellow ribbon ♪
♪ Round the ole oak tree ♪
♪ It's been three long years ♪
♪ Do you still want me? ♪
♪ Still want me ♪
♪ If I don't see a ribbon round the ole oak tree ♪
♪ I'll stay on the bus, forget about us ♪
♪ Put the blame on me ♪
♪ If I don't see a yellow ribbon ♪
♪ Round the ole oak tree ♪

[clears throat]

Well, what are you waiting for? That yard's not gonna clean itself.

♪ ♪

[cutlery clatters]


Daddy, what's a yard?

A... yard? Well, it-it... it's a grassy area like a park.

Your dad made you take care of the park yard?

Well, I mean... yeah, but my brothers and sisters and I, we were always out in the yard.



We loved being outside in the fresh air.

[TV cartoon characters indistinct chatter]

I don't wanna talk to Father Mulcahy.

I've just got a sinus infection.

I came in here for like a Z-Pak or something.

You know, it's gotta be Z-Pak, 'cause I'm allergic to amoxicillin.

No Amoxicillin. I get a terrible rash.

all: Turn it!

[dramatic piano playing with rapid notes]

♪ ♪


I'm so happy to be here.

He's so groovy.

[playing rapid piano notes]

When I get older, I'm going to marry him.

[TV applause]

Turn it!


No installment payments for 60 days.

♪ 588-2300 ♪

kids and TV: ♪ Empire ♪

Why don't you call right now?

What are you all doin' in the house?

[TV channel changes with a clunk]

It's a beautiful afternoon, and your father's napping.

Turn off the TV.

But we're bored!

Just get out there.

Don't you have yard work?

[all moaning] Mom!

Do any of you have any idea what your father would do if you wake him up?

[man continues on TV]

I hate Dad!

There you go.

[kids moan]

Come on. March, march.

'Cause I don't have time for this.

[TV audience laughs]

Tonight, on "Creature Features," a bloodthirsty psychopath roams the countryside in search of his next victim.

[warning tone]

Here is a special weather report from NewsCenter 5.

Good evening. The National Weather Service has just issued a tornado warning for a portion of our viewing area.

[rain pattering gently outside]

When you played in the yard, did you and your brothers and sisters ever fight?

Well, occasionally, there would be a disagreement.

You're a bundle of sticks.

No, you're a bundle of sticks!

You called each other a bundle of sticks?

No! Uh... I mean, yeah, well... something like that.

The important thing is that we all generally got along.

Why don't you come over here and say that?

[brick rustles bushes]

I'm gonna k*ll you!

What the hell's going on out here? God damn it!

Are you done with your yard work?

Don't you know there's a g*dd*mn storm coming? Clean up this crap!


Where are these ball less wonders?

It's a g*dd*mn tornado!

Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!

Why was your dad wearing a coat and tie?

Was he going to a funeral?

My dad always seemed to be wearing a coat and tie.

Mike: There ya go. [chuckles]

[bright music playing out of sync]

♪ ♪

[bright music continues playing out of sync]

♪ ♪

I used to imagine he slept in a coat and tie.


TV ad voice-over: Let me finish.

Boo Berry! My ghostly good blueberry-flavored
[snoring continues] cereal, Boo Berry... [giggles] is part of this complete breakfast.


What the hell's going on in here?

Your dad sounded mean.

Well, I think at the time I thought he was mean.

But now I realize he was just trying to teach me and my brothers and sisters about discipline.

Is that why you're mean?

He's not mean, and his dad wasn't mean either.

I told you to turn off the g*dd*mn television!

Get outta my den! Jesus!

... radar. This has been confirmed by the National Weather Service...

g*dd*mn kids! Go!

I would suggest the persons in that area follow the safety precautions and seek some shelter.

What we have to do at this point is watch for any other developments, listen to the radio, and watch television for any other reports...

[loud thunderclap]

[kids giggle nervously]

Ha ha.

Were you as scared of storms too, Daddy?

Ah, normally, I was a brave kid and not really scared of anything.

[light music out of sync]

♪ ♪



Jimmy, I have a surprise for you.

♪ ♪


Aah! Aah!

[kids laughing]

♪ ♪


Yes, I was brave.

But this storm was a particularly scary one and took a turn no one expected.

I knew this was gonna be a boring story.

[man beatboxing out of sync]

Man, I wish I had Rick Monday.

I thought you had that one.

No, you know what?

You can have my Dave Kingman card.

Oh, thanks, man.

No problem.

What happened to my José Cardenal card?

There's Cheez Whiz on it.



Yeah, what the hell is this?

I didn't do anything.


Cheez Whiz... so that's why Jimmy's always cutting the cheese.

Pfft! Ha ha.

Aren't you guys worried about the big storm?

Hey, look outside.

There's a tornado every other day, you baby.

Yeah. I'm worried about the storms in Jimmy's butt.

[boys laugh]


What are you doin'?

I don't want any of this stuff to get blown away by the twister.

Don't touch my stuff! You bundle of sticks.

Yeah, get the hell outta here.

Come on, get outta here, baby!

How many bottles of Cheez Whiz do you think he's on?

[boys laugh]

Yeah. He's so foxy.

[continues on phone in background]

Pam, are you worried about the big storm?


Can I have a candy bar?

25 cents.

I don't have any money.

He looks like Michael Landon.

Still got that six-pack of Dr Pepper I got you for your birthday?

No. I drank them all that day.

How much is left in that Cheez Whiz?

A lot.


I mean, I wish I could. Mmm...

Isn't it time for little Jimmy to go to bed?

Yeah, sorry. What were you saying?

Where the hell is the Cheez Whiz?

[Marre hums]

♪ ♪

[quietly] Gimme that!

You better not eat my cereal again, or I'll b*at your butt, fart-face.

[continues humming]

Eat the coleslaw!

Mom, are we gonna get washed away by the storm?

Oh, honey, I'm just fixing sandwiches in case the power goes out.

[whispers] Don't you worry.

[continues humming]

Where the hell's my g*dd*mn flashlight?

[ice cubes clinking]

3 bucks!

Those bastards at Woolworth's charge 3 bucks for a g*dd*mn flashlight.

Dad, is the tornado really that big?

I don't know!

Is this the part where your daddy cuddles you during the storm?


g*dd*mn flashlight.

[crashing, clattering]

God damn it, Jimmy!

Jesus Christ!

My car, Jimmy!

What the hell?!

I wouldn't say cuddled.

Anyway, my dad was a good dad.

He may not have been perfect, but at least he tried his best.

Ladies first!

And he made sure we were all safe.

[thunder rumbles]

After all, there were six of us.

Let's go. All right, everybody in!

[wind howling]


It's getting bad out there, but at least we'll be safe in here.

["Creature Features" on TV]

No... no... nooooooo!

...Grundy and Kankakee, Illinois.


Three funnel clouds were sighted just a bit ago at 8:22 this evening in the vicinity...



[static continues]



Nick? Mike? Joe?

[thunder rumbles]

Pam? Kathy?

[wind howling]

[rain pattering]

I'm all alone!

I'm all alone!

["That's the Way I Like It" plays out of sync]

♪ Do do do do do do do do do ♪
♪ Do do do do do do ♪

[thud, thud]

♪ Do do do do do do ♪
♪ Do do do ♪
♪ Oh ♪
♪ That's the way, uh-huh, uh-huh, I like it ♪
♪ Uh-huh, uh-huh ♪
♪ That's the way, uh-huh, uh-huh ♪
♪ I like it, uh-huh, uh-huh ♪
♪ That's the way, uh-huh, uh-huh ♪
♪ I like it, uh-huh, uh-huh ♪
♪ That's the way, uh-huh, uh-huh ♪
♪ I like it, uh-huh, uh-huh ♪
♪ When you take me ♪
♪ By the hand ♪
♪ Tell me I'm your lovin' man ♪
♪ When you give me ♪
♪ All your love ♪
♪ And do it, babe, the very best you can ♪
♪ Oh, that's... ♪

This would be a hell of a lot easier if I had my g*dd*mn flashlight.

Who's ready for sandwiches?

[tinny music playing]

Where's Jimmy?

♪ Do do do do do do do do do ♪
♪ Uh-huh ♪
♪ Do do do do do do do do do ♪
♪ Uh-huh ♪
♪ Do do do do do do do do do ♪
♪ Uh-huh ♪
♪ Do do do do do do do do do ♪
♪ Do do do ♪
♪ Oh... ♪

[Mike shouting distantly]

Jimmy! Jimmy! [clattering] God damn it!


Oh, my God, he's not here?

He's not here!

Don't panic, Marre.

I can't believe we left Jimmy in the house!

Jesus Christ! The boy's fine.

♪ Oh, that's the way ♪
♪ Uh-huh, uh-huh, I like it, uh-huh, uh-huh ♪

[ominous chords]

♪ That's the way ♪
♪ Uh-huh, uh-huh, I like it ♪
♪ Uh-huh, uh-huh ♪
♪ That's the way, uh-huh, uh-huh... ♪

[doorknob clatters]

[music distorts, fades]

♪ I like it... uh-huh... uh-huh ♪

[storm crashing]

[pounding on window]


[suspenseful music]

♪ ♪



[glass shatters and tinkles]

♪ ♪


♪ ♪


[thunder rumbles]

[footsteps approach]

[wood creaks]

[tense music]

♪ ♪







[wind howling]

There's my g*dd*mn flashlight!

[loud thunderclap]

And that's when I realized it was my dad looking for me and not a bloodthirsty psychopathic m*rder.

[rain pattering]


That's pretty impressive.

I didn't get to finish my story.

I'm listening.


[laughs] You're right.

The Cheez Whiz does taste good.


I was... I was worried about you, Jimmy.

I was worried about you, too, Dad.

Mostly because I thought you were a bloodthirsty psychopathic m*rder coming to k*ll me.


Before, in the garage, I...

I shouldn't have yelled at you like that. I'm sorry.

It's okay. I'm used to it. Everybody yells at me. Everyone except Mom.

Your mother. She's worried sick.

We should head back to the cellar, let everyone know the storm's passed.

Can we just stay up here together for a few more minutes?

Well... it is nice and quiet, huh?


Jimmy, I'm sorry we forgot you in the house.

You forgot me?

Well, I... [sighs]

We could never forget you.

I've got big plans for you, Jimmy.

You know... you and me are very similar.

Come here.

What did I do?

Are you that scared of me?

You're pretty scary.


You think I'm scary... you should have seen my father.

[chickens clucking]

What in the g*dd*mn hell are you doing, Michael?

[cans clattering]

[chickens clucking]


[Extra deep voice] You think I'm scary?

You shoulda seen my daddy.

Here we go... oh!

[kids screaming]

[Irish accent] Shilla McGharney! What in the name of Jesus, Mary, and Joseph is goin' on in this godforsaken hellhole? Huh?

You tink I'm scary, boy?

Well, you're lucky you never laid eyes on me pappy!

[campfire crackling]

[distant howling]


Yah! Hah...

[munching noisily]


[kids screaming]

Waaaaa... aaaaah!

[noisy crunch]
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