01x00 - Pilot

Episode transcripts for the TV show "The Circuit". Aired: August 2016.
"The Circuit" takes a comedic look at the horror and hilarity of social engagement.
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01x00 - Pilot

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63. 65. Is this our area?

I mean, would you still call this where we live?

Gabe, are you all right?

Yeah, I'm all right.

Look, are we doing this? What?

I don't even know these people.

They've asked us to dinner.

We're new, we don't know anyone.

It's nice.

Yeah, but are they our kind of people? I don't know.

We're going to find that out, aren't we? Yeah, but then we're trapped over dinner, coffees, cocktails, then we have to ask them back.

And then what?

And then we're friends, friends with people who aren't our friends.


Is this about the Chinese lady?

I watched them take her away, Nat.

Yeah, kind of awkward.

They dragged her off the train just because she had the wrong ticket.

I mean, she doesn't know.

She doesn't speak English.

She's obviously here illegally.

I think this is the house.

I mean, she's halfway back to God knows what.

Interrogation, waterboarding?


Do they even do that in China? No!

I don't know, maybe. Don't let it spoil your evening though.


Are you going to bring that in?

What? The coffee. Yeah, of course.

I mean, are you going to do the thing where you tell them it came out of something's arse?

It did.

It did come out of something's arse. That's the point.

OK, well, if they're not interested, don't start sulking.


Are you going to drink tonight?

What? No, nothing.

It's just you said you might not want to drink, that's all.

All right. I'll... say I'm on antibiotics. Yeah...

Tell you what, let's have a safe word so if one of us wants to go, we say it and we can get the f*ck out.

Oh, shit, that's a great idea.

WOMAN SHOUTS ..try and make them feel comfortable in this f*cking house.

Welcome. Come in, come in.

Wow, such a beautiful...

Yes, yes, this is the hallway.

We're going to knock this all through. Come through.

It's all going to be one big living space. Come through.

We brought you some...

Sasha! Give me your coats.

I'll hang them.

Come through.

Come through. Sasha!

So glad you made it.

Such a beautiful area, so many people moving in like you.

Sasha, for f*ck's sake!

Coffee, we brought you some coffee.

Something smells nice.

Yes, yes, it's goulash.

It's Hungarian dish.

Traditional. It's pronounced goulash. Oh, goulash.


It's called civet coffee.

Yes, yes. This is Marty.

This is Angie.

Sasha, please, for f*ck's sake!

Civet's a type of weed. Yes, yes.

Sasha will be here in a minute.

He's my f*cking husband.

What do you want me to do with the...?

What is wrong?


They're just having a little barney.

There's a bit of tension.

There was some shouting and then I think Helene was crying.

I don't think she was crying.

Well, maybe we should...

No, I don't think it's a big deal.

I'm Marty. Nat. This is Gabe.


Hi, I'm Angie. Hi.

So, a bit of tension, then.


I understand you have some coffee... or something.

Yeah, well, it's just...

It's no big deal.

It's just that this is civet coffee.

It's actually a delicacy.

The civet is a kind of weasel.

So the civet eats the fruit.

What fruit?

The coffee fruit. So the civet eats the coffee fruit, leaving the bean which doesn't get digested in its stomach acid which it then excretes and... Shits?

Yeah, it's all clean.

It's traditional.

They've been harvesting it for years in Indonesia.

So this is a bag of weasel shit beans?

I'm not explaining what this is properly.

Because we drink Illy here.

It's a delicacy. Yeah, I get it.

It cost 27.50 a lb.

So you just moved to the area?

Yes, yeah.

We used to live in Strood.

We moved here about a month ago.

What's Strood like? Oh, it's great.

We loved it. Yeah, we loved it.

We had a lot of friends. Oh, yeah.

Yeah, and it was just one of those areas, really.

It was beautiful.

Yeah, kind of had everything.

So why did you move?

So here we all are.

We just have one more guest to come.

His name is Danny.

He's a very good friend.

A lovely, lovely man.

He's had a little bit of a difficult time lately so I hope you will be very kind to him.

He is a keen rock climber, Gabe, so you will have very much to talk to him about. I don't...

Marty and Angie are our very best friends in the area.

They really are lovely, lovely people.

Until you get to know us.

Adult rock club?

She's joking. Of course, she really is so funny.

Ah, she used to be in a rock group.

Do you know Barananama? Bananarama?

You were in Bananarama?

Yeah, for a bit, yeah.

Whoa. You're kidding? You know this rock band? Barananama.

When were you in?

What, after Jacquie or after Siobhan? After Jacquie and Siobhan.

This was a long time ago.

Oh, that is mad. Do you miss it?

Do you miss the biz? No, it's full of backstabbing c**ts.

Good times though.

Would you like to see the rest of the house?

Sasha, will you give them the tour, please?

I've just got a drink.

f*ck's sake. We've done the tour.

You've seen the new bathroom?

This is the utility room.

It's where the washer dryer goes and the combi boiler.

That's the washer dryer.

And that's the combi boiler.

This is the kitchen.

This is Italian marble.

The cooker's German.

And there's this.

I like that.

'There's storage there, storage there, some storage there, that's storage.'

Bedroom one.

Bedroom two.


What the f*ck is going on?

They've had an argument, it's fine.

What's the safe word? What?

The safe word.

Oh, all right, look, if I say...

What are you doing?

She was...


That's a two-person shower.

That's the toilet, or, as is known in Gabe's house, the coffee machine.

It's traditional, it's an Indonesian tradition.

It's delicious.

You have a lovely house.

Thank you. Thank you so much.

Yes, this is a lovely house which is why we don't need another one.

But that is another matter and I'm not going to talk about that and embarrass you with our personal problems.

We're going to have a lovely, lovely evening.

Danny will be here soon. He has had a bit of a difficult time.

He is a su1c1de.

Excuse me? Yes, he tried to k*ll himself but only a little bit.

It is all in the past.

Gabe, you can talk to him about mountains and rocks and suchlike.

But I don't...

Let me give you some alcohol so we can all get a little bit pissed.

Oh, not for me, thank you. Oh.

Will you be able to relax without alcohol?

I'm on antibiotics, I'm afraid.

So I better not.

My uncle used to always say he was on antibiotics any time anyone offered him booze but he was just trying to stop drinking.

I mean, he was an massive alcoholic.

(She laughs)

He always drank in the end.

Mmm. Well, this is delicious. Yes, they are really delicious prawns.

Are these king prawns or tiger prawns or just normal prawns but big?

They're just prawns.

There's no need to get excited.

They're just ordinary prawns.

He's just asking a question, Helene, OK?

He's just asking about the f*cking prawns because he doesn't know what to say.

I'm glad you like the prawns.

Thank you for asking about them.

I don't know what kind of prawns they are but there are more prawns if you'd like.

Are you not eating yours, Marty?

Oh, no, I'm highly allergic.

I mean, even if I so much as touch a prawn, that's it.

Game over. I'm d*ad.

I mean, you wouldn't even bother calling an ambulance because I'd be gone before they got here.

Your only chance would be to cut my throat open.

But even that wouldn't work, not really.

But why have you got them on your plate, then?

I didn't want to cause a fuss.

So, Angie, what is it you do?

I make b*ll*ts.

Sorry, what do you mean?

Oh, sorry, no, I mean, I work for a company that makes b*ll*ts.

(They laugh)

What do you mean when you say b*ll*ts, like, do you mean...?

Yeah, like, that you f*re out of a g*n.

And are they for hunting or...?

Yeah, we do hunting b*ll*ts too.

Oh, so you make b*ll*ts for combat?

w*r b*ll*ts? Well, they don't call them w*r b*ll*ts but, yeah.

Oh, right.

What's that like?

Everyone is lovely.

We have a lot of fun.

In my country, we don't talk about the food. We eat the food.

I did not mean to be rude to you, Gabe, but won't have a lovely, lovely evening when the prawns are for eating, that's all I'm saying.

For f*ck's sake, Helene.

No, you, for f*ck's sake. You.

I'm trying to create a lovely, lovely evening for these people.

For two of our best friends in the world and for two people that we don't even know.

And all you're doing is making everyone feel f*cking uncomfortable.

Yeah? Well, I didn't even want them to come. You see?

You see what a charming man I'm married to?

Look, maybe we should go.

I mean... No, no way.

Just eat your prawns.

Yeah, we have goulash next.

She makes a lovely goulash so let's just change the subject and f*cking relax.

So did you move here for work?

Oh, no, not really.

I source promo material for a phone company so you can do that from anywhere.

And I actually had a pretty good job in Strood as far as jobs go.

I'm not actually working here at the minute.

You know, I just need to find my feet cos in Strood I knew the lie of the land.

You knew a lot of people. Yeah.

You knew everyone. Yeah.

But we're happy to be here.

Oh, yeah, it's a great area. Yeah.

There are some lovely areas in England.

Yes, there really are.

Yeah. I have been here for some time and it's a very beautiful country.

It is, not everywhere though.

Have you ever been to Dorset?

For f*ck's sake.

Because I have been to Dorset and let me tell you something about Dorset.

I hate Dorset.

Oh, you hate Dorset?

Yes, and I was talking to Nat.

How can anyone hate Dorset?

It has coastline, it has villages, it has countryside, there's a butcher there that knows us by name.

Nat, would you excuse me for a minute? You f*cking bastard.

You f*cking bastard.

Don't do this, Helene.

You sneaky, lying, dirty little bastard. Don't do this.

You all want to know what this f*cking bastard did?

You all want to know what a pile of rat-shit puke I am married to?

You all want to know? No, stop, please. This is just nuts.

What the hell is going on?

What are you doing?

We've just walked in the door.

We don't even know you and you're at each other like snappy dogs.

I mean, I don't know what Angie and Marty think but what do you think this is like for us?

Look, you've obviously got something going on so if you want us to go, we'll go.

Just let us walk out the door.

But if you want us to say, then, please...

..start talking to each other like human beings.

I am very sorry...

..if I have offended you.

It was not my plan.

My plan was to give you a lovely, lovely evening but apparently I'm holding you and the best friends in all the world prisoner.

Oh, no, Helene. No, no.

Apparently, I'm a snappy dog, with a husband I hate and terrible hostess instinct.

But let me tell you something, if there is one thing I am guilty of, it is of loving too much.

That is all.

Not cool, buddy.

Not cool at all.

I'm just going to pop to the loo.

(Door closes)


(Phone rings)

Hello? Pretend I'm someone else.

Pretend you're talking to someone else. Hello...



Doesn't matter. Let's get the f*ck out of here, now.

I've thought about it.

I'm going to say the sitter's called and somebody's got a temperature.

No, let's say she's found a lump.

No, no, temperature's fine.

Let's say it's high, though, so we can get the f*ck out of here now.

Yeah, I'm afraid I can't agree to that, Timberlake.


Think I can pull this back.

What are you talking about?

Yeah. I need to stay and pull this back.

Let's stay.

Let's stay in the country, unless your mother comes up with another plan.

(She sighs)


(She slams it down)

Sasha has put a deposit on a holiday home in Dorset, without asking me.

So, there you have it.

You can now smell our dirty sheets.

I think I will have a glass of wine after all.

I mean, one can't hurt, right?

(Doorbell rings)

OK! Danny is here.

Let us forget all the hurtful things that have been said tonight, and let us try to get along for his sake.

Yeah, of course.

He is a su1c1de, after all.

But that is all in the past.

So in fact, forget about that completely.

But just try not to say anything cruel to him, Gabe?

Just talk about rocks.

I'm going to get f*cked.

And the thing that got me was the look of fear on her face, you know, like I could see...

I could tell that she didn't have her papers.

And suddenly, I'm thinking, "is this what people felt like when the Gestapo came?"

I mean, you can't compare it, it isn't the same.

It's the transport police.

But in a way, isn't it exactly the same?

And is this little old Chinese lady who came to this country fleeing God knows what, is she now on her way back to some kind of horror?

Is anyone thirsty?

I wouldn't think there was anything you could do, Gabe, was there?

I'm a little thirsty, is anyone else?

Do you know, I sometimes think that...

No. No, that just sounds...

No, go on. Go on, right?

Well, if the shit hit, what kind of person would I be?

I mean, God forbid, something happens and a fascist state is installed, and they come for our Turkish neighbours, what would I do?

Am I the kind of man that would hide them in our secret cupboard, or do I shout out the window, "There's two more upstairs, you missed them! They're hiding in the attic! Get them, get them, not me!"

Elaine, do you want one of them open?

Gabe, I'm sure she's OK. It sounds like a misunderstanding.

And look, people are generally good.

You're right, Danny. Good for you.

You sure you should be drinking?

Oh, no, he can drive.

With the antibiotics.

Oh, yeah, those antibiotics.
Helene: Danny, it's so good to have you here.

Makes me so happy to see your smiling face at my table.

Well, it's nice to be here, the goulash was incredible.

Oh, my God, the goulash!

The goulash was terrific.

Yeah, you have to give me the recipe.

No. No, why would I do that?

Then you can make my goulash.

f*ck that.

No, I was just saying...

Speaking of China, we actually do a lot of business with the Chinese.

A LOT of business.

Oh, so they buy a lot of...?

b*ll*ts, yeah.

It's mostly them and Texas.

Doesn't it bother you, though?

I mean, making b*ll*ts?

Yeah, well, the way I see it... those g*n need b*ll*ts.

Danny, would you like another drink?

Sasha: He HAS a drink, Helene.

You want to know an industry that really kills people?

The music industry.

What, more than the arms industry?

Girl bands, yeah.


Did you have a bad time in Bananarama?

Well, I got out in time, but you can't survive that shit twice.

Helene: Are you having a good time, Danny?

These are all lovely, lovely people.

Gabe is a rock climber.

I'm not.

How was work?

Danny, is everything going well there?

Oh, well, yeah, actually.

Because I just handed in my notice.

No, really? Yeah.

I was sitting there, staring at a spreadsheet, again, and I suddenly thought, "I hate my job."

So I got up, walked into Martin and just... handed in my notice.

Wow. Shit.

Gabe also doesn't have a job.

That's another thing you have in common.

It's the first thing we have in common.

Yeah, what did bring you guys here?

We said, didn't we? Yeah.

No. No, you didn't say.

Well, it's actually a funny story.

You want to tell it or...?

You go ahead.

So, we were looking for somewhere to go.

Yeah. Couldn't decide.

Yeah, we're looking at places and going, "is this us?"

"Is this us?" sort of thing.

And then we found this website.

Road traffic gov... Dot gov...

Dot gov sort of thing.

And it turns out that this area has the lowest incidence of traffic fatalities in the entire EU. Yeah.

(They laugh)


So we moved here.

Sorry, my English is not so...

Did you say this was a funny story?

Well, maybe not funny ha-ha, more funny... peculiar.

Danny, do you understand why this is a funny story?

Well, yeah. It's... interesting.


In my country, this would not be interesting, but then, we don't ask questions about prawns either, so I accept what you say.

Would you like some more strawberries?

Oh, no, no. But that was great...

Or some ice cream? I could get you some ice cream...

No, no, I'm stuffed.

We have a little rum baba?

Would you like a little rum baba?

For Christ's sake, Helene, he doesn't want any rum f*cking baba.

Stop dribbling down his neck like a f*cking vampire, and leave the poor bastard alone.

Nat, would you help me with the cheese?

What? Will you give me a hand in the kitchen with the cheese?

Oh, yeah. Yeah, of course.



Have you seen the new bathroom?

No. No, I haven't.

What? We'll go show you.

Yeah, yeah, it's nice.

It's nice. It's got... Taps and...


Oh, yeah. Course.


You know what?

I'll let you get on.

I'm not sure if that's such a good idea.

Nor am I.

But I know what I'm doing.

Bathroom's great, Danny.

You'll love it.

I have something to tell you.

There is no cheese.

Oh. Right.

Shit. Yes.

I brought you in here because I don't want there to be any secrets between us.

And I think you will agree, we're going to be very close.

No, yes.

What would you say if I told you that Sasha had an ex-wife tucked away?

I'd say...


(Helene starts to cry)




Come on!

Sasha is very in love with you.

I know, I've only see you fight and shout at each other and call each other shit names, but you fight with a lot of passion. And you have...

You have a lovely home.

And your goulash is terrific.

So, come on!

Sasha has an ex-wife.

And his ex-wife lives in Dorset.

Oh. OH.

Oh, what a c**t.

I don't know if you think that I'm some kind of arsehole or not...

OK, we don't know each other.

But this thing with Helene, I mean...

You're on a hiding to nowhere, there.

I'm not trying to interfere, but if you just step back from...

Thank you for your advice.

Why don't you go and look at the bathroom?

Come on, mate. Mate? Come on.

Don't be all... You know, let's just...

Let's talk to each other.

You want to talk?

With me? Yeah.

I saw a little old lady get dragged off a train today because I didn't step in, now I just want to...

So why didn't you?

What? Why didn't you step in?

Why didn't you pay for her ticket?

Well, that's not my point.

Well, it's my point.

That lady, who is an illegal immigrant, by the way... Well...

Is now on her way back to Zhengzhou having her a**l cavity probed because you wouldn't shell out?

8.50? No.

It was peak, it would have been...

You see, you look at me, and you make a big set of assumptions.

Oh, works in the city, eats meat, big cock...

Actually, I hadn't.

I have an artistic side.

Did you know that?

No. Why?

Because you don't look.

You can't see past your own stupid nose.

No, I hadn't...

The world isn't nice, Gabe.

It's big bastards eating little bastards.

It's baby children in sweatshops cleaning out your MacBook Air with their little fingers, because you want them to.

I don't want them to.

Yeah, you do, you tight-fisted liar.

Look, have I upset you?

You ask what kind of person you would be if the Gestapo marched into town.

I'll tell you what kind of person you'd be.

You'd be kneeling on people's chests and ripping out their gold teeth with pliers so you can get a new iPhone.

No, I wouldn't.

You'd be a n*zi.

You're a f*cking n*zi.

I'm not a n*zi!

I've got Tony Benn's autobiography.

Yeah, but you haven't read it, have you?

You haven't read a single word.

You see this?

You see this? This is who I am.

This is me. Uh-huh?

I don't know what I'm looking at...

It's art. I do art.

Oh, what, that surprises you?

I make... I make these.

They're ashtrays.

And I make them.

But they're made of wood.

Of course they're made of f*cking wood!

That's the art bit. Uh-huh.

It's an ashtray that you cannot use, it's a f*cking statement.

How can I compete with what he has in Dorset?

What are you talking about?

You can compete. I can't.

It's too much of a pull for him.

He would rather be there, I know it, I know it in my heart.


Listen to me.

If that were true, I would be the first to say to you, "f*ck him."

You do not have to stand for that, you are a beautiful and powerful woman with some great recipes and a beautiful house, and if that piece of shit can't see that, then I'd say, I'd say, "f*cking pick up that bottle there, go in and smack him over the head with it," but...


No, wait, wait for the but!

Let's have a moment.

Let's talk. Let's talk!

Ahh! Aahh!

But! Listen to the but!

No, Nat. This is the best advice I have ever been given.

I'm going to k*ll him!

Helene! I'm bleeding.

I'm f*cking bleeding!

Oh, Jesus f*cking Christ.

You told her to do what?

To smack him with the bottle, but I wasn't... Jesus Christ!

I said "but"!

And you're drinking.

Yeah, I'm f*cking drinking!

Look at these people!

What are we doing here?

We shouldn't be here with these people. We should be in Strood.

We can't be in Strood.

Why can't we? You know why.

Let's just get the f*ck out.

OK. I'll call a cab.

I'll get the coffee.

What? The coffee. The civet coffee.

He threw it away. f*ck him!

Ten minutes, then I'm leaving without you.


This coffee...

You see, there's a thing like a weasel...

Oh, is that civet coffee?

Yeah. It's supposed to be delicious.

Yeah, it's the acid...

The acid in the digestive tract.


They threw it out! What is it, like, 25 quid a pound? 27.50.

Take it! Take it with you while no-one's looking. Yeah, I will.

Thanks, Danny. Thanks.

So, how's it going out there?

It's calmed down a bit.

I think they're all nuts. Nat told me about the ex-wife. That's crazy.

Buying a house just so you can be near your ex-wife - what's that about? That's not why he's buying the house. What?

It's not why he's buying the house.

It's not about his ex-wife.

It's about his daughter. Sasha has a daughter? Yeah, Molly. She's ten.

Lovely girl, really smart, funny.

I mean, I love Helene, but she's never going to let that girl be in his life.

Oh, that is... f*cked up! Love is f*cked up.

Sasha is right. People are bastards.

What do you mean? Well, you know, I see an old lady get carted off the train and I don't do anything.

I just go to a dinner party and pretend I care. f*cking hold court!

That's bullshit.

You cared about that woman.

That's why you needed to talk about her tonight. No, I know, but...

Do you think? Sasha's not right, Gabe. Sasha's angry.

People are basically good.

You want to know what sort of person you'd be in a crisis?

The answer is you'd be you. A person doing the best you can, getting by.

You'd just be you.

Yeah, you're right. I'll just be me.

Look, Danny, Helene told us that you'd had a hard time, that you'd...

Well, you know, and I must admit I was a little scared cos I thought you'd be a bit more Morrissey.

(He laughs)

But you're just so...sorted.

Thank you. No, I mean it.

You're the only one here who seems remotely happy.

I'm not always happy.

No, I know. I mean, sure, who is?

But if I'm honest, you're the first person I've met since I moved to this f*cking area that I've actually wanted to talk to.

You've got it figured out.

You're smart, you're calm...

Look, I'm just saying it's great talking to you.

Yeah, well, I suppose I am.

I am calm because...

Well, I've made a decision.

I'm doing it tonight.

Right. Doing what?

Are you serious?

I wanted to see Helene before...

She's been a great friend.

Wait, hang on a minute.

That doesn't seem...

What do you mean, like, k*ll yourself?


Pretty d*ad, yeah. But you seem so good. You're happy, you're fine.

I like you.

I'm happy, yeah, because I've made a decision, but last week, if you'd have seen me, I was screwed up in a ball of agony.

That's what my life's generally like - not tonight, not this.

And I've been through years of it - treatment and hospitals.

No, wait, hang on.

There are so many things, like, er, music and poetry...

Not poetry, but have you seen Boyhood?

I heard somewhere that a hot bath can really just... Gabe, Gabe...

A hot bath isn't going to cure what I've got.

Look, I get to do this now when I feel good. I'm making my own choice.

Isn't that the right way to go?

Yeah, all right. Look, don't.

What? All right? Because...

Well, just don't.

It was really nice meeting you, Gabe.

OK, cab's here, it's all sorted.

I've told them Sonia has a temperature and the shits.

I think that might be a bit too much, but I just panicked.

Either way, we are out of here and that is it.

We never see these f*cking people again in our lives, OK?

Gabe? Hmm?

What are you doing?

Well, our taxi's here so we're just going to...

I'm sorry it was a little bit of a dramatic evening. Well...

It's just Sasha and I had a few things we needed to sort out.

But we've sorted them out now, haven't we, darling? Yeah, yeah.

We're not going to get the house.

No, Dorset is, er...

Dorset is d*ad. Oh, that's great!

You made the right decision.

Good for you, Sasha.

Yeah, my life is here.

I don't know what I was thinking.

Yes, our life is here. Just us.

Sorry if I was a bit...

So, despite everything, I hope you had a wonderful evening and a wonderful introduction to our lovely, lovely area.

Oh! It was great. Thank you!

It was lovely to come round.

You're all great! We must do it again sometime.

OK, when?



Next week? Fantastic! Yeah!

Our place next.

You are one of us now.

(Singing in Spanish)
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