01x04 - Goodbye Charles

[bunniefuu]

This is North End Airport.

It may be small, but typically handles a shining example of UK life.

Its staff is made up of a wide range of cultures, genders and ages.

For one of Borderline's younger and more excitable agents, Clive Hassler, this is a particularly significant day.

Do you know what day it is?

It's my birthday.

Welcome to the UK.

(Flushing)

Last year, Tariq forgot my birthday Last year, Tariq forgot my birthday but this year, he said he would remember it, so it's today so it's gonna be a big surprise.

(He sniffs)

'Did you hear?'

You didn't hear? It's my birthday, so...

I thought you could hear.

At Borderline, special announcements are the remit of Chief Inspector Linda Proctor, so agent Hassler may be in luck, as she's just called the team in for a briefing.

Over the years I've worked here, I've been privileged to work with some wonderful people.

You're all lovely people, but today is about one very special person.

Over the weekend, one of North End's best mechanics, Charles Hedley, d*ed.

He was 63.

(Clive laughs)

Oh, my gosh! Very good.

You almost got me.

But come on, guys.

Clive, what are you doing?

Are you being serious?

Sit down.

Charles, man, he was such a sweet guy.

Yeah, he always had a big smile and... Yeah.

Wow, sounds like you guys were really close.

Shut up, Tariq. Were you guys friends?

Yeah, Charles Hedley was the best.

'I have no idea who Charles Hedley is.'

I don't know half the people that work here, you know, cos I just think about myself half the time.

I mean, 63 years young. Two more years and he could have enjoyed his pension. I mean, why would you not hold on for that?

I mean, just stay alive that little bit longer and you're there, man, you're there.

I wanna say something now, if that's OK?

Any day that you lose a co-worker or a friend is a tragedy, but... let's not get caught up in his death... today.

Let's remember Charles Heddy...

Hedley.

Hedley, the man, tomorrow... or the next day... or any other day.

As agent Hassler demonstrates, finding the right words in a situation like this can be tricky, but it's agent Grant Brody who's taken today's news the hardest.

I don't think we're supposed to be drinking at work.

Ah, not normally, no, but where I come from, when a man dies, the first thing you do is you take a drink, send him on his way.

So, to Charles.

Oh, aye.

Get that down you.

Oh, Grant, I can't. To Charles.

No. I don't really think...

It's out of respect. OK.

It's just the rules.

Ah, you see?

That's better, eh? Sure.

You know what's even better, is sharing a wee memory.

Right.

Charles had such a lovely smile.

Oh, come on, Andy.

No, I'm talking about a real memory.

You know, like, I mean, three years ago, Christmas party, you know, he's out there, he's on the runway, he's got his trousers at his ankles.

For agent Church, remembering this particular colleague is challenging.

Her approach to this problem is simply to pretend they weren't that close.

He was a mechanic, he worked out there and I work up here, so I guess we didn't really see each other.

What was it, what was it that he called you again?

D-dabby, Dandy...

Dandy Andy, that...

Dandy Andy, that's... that's brilliant. Dandy Andy.

I don't think he called me Dandy Andy. He did.

He thought the world of you.

Grant, come on. You're trying to make me feel guilty.

Oh, come on, Grant.

That's... No, listen.

If you cannae share a memory, then you cannae share a drink.

Next, please.

It's my birthday.

Yep.

Ah!

During a coffee break, agent Mansoor is also trying to avoid admitting not knowing Charles Hedley, whilst agent Hassler is preoccupied dropping subtle hints about today's personal significance.

Big day today.

Big day. Yeah.

Poor Charles, eh? Yeah.

Charles.

I... I do remember Charles.

He helped me up once, when I fell over... on the tarmac and... he just...

Sorry.

It really hurt.

Really hurt my knee.

Charles.

Such a surprise.

Surprise!

Did you hear? Proctor's getting us all together later for a drink, you know, to commemorate today, make it special for Charles.

Yep.

Cos he's dead.

Today's unexpected news has affected everyone.

Even the normally srunny Chief Inspector Proctor is in a reflective mood.

It's funny when somebody dies and it unsettles everybody, makes you think, you know, "What would happen if I drop dead right now of, like, a heart att*ck or a stroke or embolism."

Just... Could just be... spontaneous combustion.

I don't really mind.

With the atmosphere in the office still heavy, she decides to clear her head with some fresh air.

Tough day, right, guys?

Why?

Because Charles Hedley d*ed. What?

Charles Hedley d*ed?

Oh, God.

Don't tell me you didn't know.

Of course we know.

Like family to us, man.

Oh, yeah, of course.

So, I wanted to invite you guys to a remembrance that we're having later for Charles.

Hold on a second. You're inviting US to a remembrance of OUR boy?

Suj, what was Charles like to me?

A father. Like a father.

Suj, what have I been doing all morning?

Crying.

Crying like a damn baby.

Suj, who's giving the eulogy at his funeral this Thursday?

You. Me.

'Charles, man. You know what?'

He just had a real zest for life, man.

It's probably why he got ladi so much, as well, innit?

He's gonna be missed, man, by a lot of vulnerable women.

Shouldn't you be putting this baggage on the plane?

Yeah in a minute.

After this cigarette.

For Charles.

It seems that today's news has got everyone at the airport considering their future.

Hey, yo, Suj, you all right, bruv?

'Yeah, I'm not gonna be working here forever, I've got plans, you know.'

I think... I think I'm a really funny person, so I'm gonna be... I can do com...

I can do, like, stand-up comedy I think, cos, I mean, it's very similar to baggage handling, in a way.

Try and push me, like. Go on.

(He laughs)

'There's just more people around if you're doing stand up comedy,' you know, and you get to speak to more than one person all the time which is what I really want now.

Shall I push you? No.

Are you sure? No, I don't want to.

Having avoided admitting they don't know Charles Hedley, agents Mansoor and Church confide in each other in a corridor, away from people who might judge them.

Hey, do you... ?

Not know who Charles Hedley is?

Thank you. Thank YOU.

Not knowing who this guy is driving me crazy.

You know, I pride my... myself on being a good person.

I can't picture his face.

He called me Dandy Andy so we must have talked or chatted or something.

Dandy Andy.

Oh, my God, maybe we flirted.

What if I flirted with him?

He was in his 60s.

Right, OK, yeah.

No, I wouldn't have done that.

I'm a terrible person.

We're terrible people. Right.

We're sorted?

Yeah, we're terrible people. OK.

Meanwhile, agent Brody finds himself in a deeply philosophical mood.

Isn't it funny how death just reminds us of life and how we should live out our lives, our dreams, our hopes?

Yeah, everything to the fullest.

I love life.

I love it a lot.

You be safe, my friend.

Welcome to the UK.

Welcome to the UK.

Next, please.

It's, uh...

It's my birthday. Oh.

It's not yours.

The unexpected death of their colleague Charles Hedley has the agents paying their respects in their own unique ways.

Some dig deep and try and evoke a memory of him, any memory at all.

For agent Hassler, the tragedy comes in another form - everyone forgetting his birthday.

Outside, he tries to mask frustration...

That's cool, lock the door.

If I hear you, I'm going to punch you.

And then, so she came over...

...with, it has to be said somewhat limited success.

She was getting into it and it went upstairs and my bedroom's like two bedrooms away from my little brother's and, um, all of a sudden...

(Clattering)

Clive.

OK. Bye.

Back inside, agent Brody has been called into Chief Inspector Proctor's office, because of a serious breach of conduct.

This is Proctor's chance to show her authority as a disciplinarian.

I can't have you drinking at work, Grant.

How did you know?

I saw you having a beer at passport control.

I should have hid it in a Coke can.

Yeah, that's not really the point I was trying to make.

Charles always hid his in a Coke can.

Yeah, that's cos Charles was an alcoholic.

Charles Hedley was always jolly, always very jolly.

Merry, even, perhaps.

He was often, yeah, completely plastered at work.

Struggling with the news a wee bit, to be honest with you, Linda.

Couple of drinks just help knock the edge off, you know?

I do understand, but just please not at work, OK?

They didn't find his body for three days, you know?

He d*ed alone.

I don't want to... die alone.

Dying alone.

Sounds like bliss.

Tell you what.

Oh, I've got one here in my pocket, actually.

To Charles. To Charles.

Hey, I got some of this stuff you wanted.

Thanks, Clive.

Did you get the candles?

Yep. What you got candles for?

Oh, for the remembrance.

I thought it would be a nice idea if we all lit a candle.

What are these?

Birthday candles?

They're birthday candles.

Well, why did you get birthday candles?

In case there was a... birthday cake.

But it's a memorial service.

Why would there be a birthday cake?

Mm-MM-mm!

My family are religious, so when they think about death, they have that to comfort them.

But me? What comforts me?

I just don't want to be forgotten.

No-one's gonna remember a guy that stamps passports, but DJ Merlin, they remember my hits.

Like Rain, Between The Sheets.

Between The Sheets is a banger.

(He beatboxes)

Music people can f*ck to.

With the memorial starting soon, Proctor takes a moment to herself and is immediately joined by agent Hassler.

With his birthday forgotten, he's feeling a little upset and turns to a rather-destructive idea.

I'm thinking about maybe starting to smoke.

Oh, yeah? Why?

Apparently if you smoke, if you smoke them for long enough, then you start to really like them.

Trust me, you don't want to start smoking.

It's a... It's a mug's game.

I started when I was 12.

Might just have one, then.

Why would you do that?

Have you even smoked a cigarette before? Yeah, of course.

Were you sick?

No.

Sure? Yes.

Do you wanna go ring your mum? No.

Well, just go and ring her and see what she says.

No, I just want one cigarette.

I'll ring your mum.

Please don't ring my mum.

She'll be really cross.

She doesn't need to know.

Meanwhile, agents Church and Mansoor discuss appropriate ways to pay their respects at the memorial service for a man neither of them can actually remember.

Well, what? Let's just not go.

What? No, we have to. We have to go. That'd be way worse.

OK, we'll go and we'll just say nothing. Oh, yeah, OK.

That's... Yeah, OK.

Stare at our drinks. Stare into our drinks and say nothing. OK.

Practise? Yeah. OK.

You just looked at me. No, I did not look at you. You looked at me.

How did you know?

You broke the rules, as well, then.

Oh, we should not be laughing at this. A man has d*ed. That's true.

We'll just... Oh, now I've spilled my drink everywhere.

Oh, do you want another one?

Just take that one.

Where's that from? Just the bar.

The memorial for Charles Hedley is underway.

First to speak are those who knew him best - the baggage handlers - straight-talking Mo Khan and aspiring stand-up comedian, Sujan Stevens.

So, yeah, the thing about Charles is that he was always there for us.

Everyone that knew him would say that he was a very reliable man.

'This is one of my comedy bits.'

I do impressions of Samuel L Jackson.

There's too many m*therf*cking snakes on this plane.

That's from...

Oh, what's it?

Snakes...

I suppose he'll just be up there, running through a field, like a pony or something.

He'll certainly be missed.

Thank you, Suj.

Thank you for those kind words about Charles.

And now, Mo from baggage reclaim would like to say something.

Yeah, thank you.

What can you say about a man like Charles Hedley?

He could fix your car, he could fix an aeroplane, he could fix you up with a lot of girls, as well.

And trust me when I say "a lot of girls", I mean a LOT of girls.

And not just normal ones, like...

OK, that's enough about girls.

OK, I'm almost finished.

Listen, you all know what I think about Charles, but I think in this moment we should hear from the person that he liked most.

Dandy Andy, step up, babes.

What? Yeah, just step up and talk about Charles, innit?

Come on. Just say a few words.

Oh, no, I don't think I...

Dandy Andy. Come on, just say...

No, no, thank you.

It's fine. No, I don't...

I don't think that I should say...

OK, fine.

I have no idea who Charles was.

Look, I can't lie about it.

I don't remember who he is.

I feel terrible about it.

Sorry.

You should be ashamed of yourself.

Yeah, you should.

Come on, how could you forget about Charles after he sent you all them love notes, as well?

I don't know. He... Sorry, what?

He was the man who was sending me all those cards?

Yes. You mean the pervy old man who used to wink at me all the time?

Oh! Charles Hedley, the sleazy old man.

Yes, Charles from the disciplinary hearing. Of course!

Yeah, of course.

I feel so much better.

Well, he d*ed.

Aye, well, we should...

We're here. We should raise a wee glass to him, anyway, you know, for respect for the dead.

To Charles Hedley - man, engineer, and alleged sex pest. Sorry, Andy.

To Charles.

All: To Charles.

Oh, that's great.

Well, this has been wonderful.

Has anybody got anything else they'd like to add?

(Guitar strums)

(To the tune of Happy Birthday):

♪ We're gonna miss you Charles ♪
♪ We're gonna miss you Charles ♪
♪ We'll never forget you ♪
♪ Cos friends never forget ♪
♪ Friends never forget. ♪

They forgot my birthday.

It's my birthday.

On the bright side, today's given agent Brody a new appreciation for life, as he's ventured out of the office, left his post unattended and called his girlfriend, Dasha, all while drinking his sixth beer.

Hey, Dasha, it's... it's me.

Well, I've had a little bit of a rough day, actually.

One of my mates d*ed.

Makes you think that you've got to live life to the fullest.

I was thinking, maybe, like, next time we go out, maybe we could go somewhere nicer than Nando's, like...

...I don't know, like a Bella Pasta or something like that.

No, no, I've not had a drink.

It's been a particularly sad day for agent Hassler.

Whilst everyone eventually remembered Charles, they all forgot Clive.

Is it your birthday, Clive?

Yeah.

Yeah. But...

Charles dying made everyone forget.

We did forget, but then that song you sang at the memorial was less than subtle.

Happy birthday!

Oh...

We clubbed together and got you these.

Oh, there's a card.

Oh, no, Nah, man.

"To our beloved team-mate. Never forgotten."

Guys...

This is too much.

It's been a difficult time at Borderline but, at the end of the day, life goes on for agent Hassler, the team, and everyone at North End Airport... except for Charles Hedley.

All that remains of him are treasured memories.

So, in the end, I did remember Charles, and he made me feel pretty uncomfortable.

Also, I dug out some of the letters that he sent me.

You know, at first, I thought that they were cupcakes, but it turns out, just a pair of tits.

Rest in peace, creepy Charles.

♪ No doubt about it ♪
♪ I'm on my way ♪
♪ I'm here to stay ♪
♪ One day you'll be looking ♪
♪ But this comes my way ♪
♪ Don't drop, don't tell me to stop ♪
♪ Cos I'll be taking over today ♪
♪ I'm taking over this whole place ♪
♪ I'm on my way to outer space... ♪