02x09 - Cedar Cove

[bunniefuu]

Mmm.

I know coming here was inconvenient, but they really do have the best cookies in the city.

Well, they better.

It couldn't be any more out of the way.

Hey, lady, keep 'em coming.

If you can find a vein, you can find more high-glucose cookies for your favorite volunteers.

Oh, "volunteer." I'm not allowed to give blood... because I'm gay!

So f*cked up.

Everybody should be allowed to give blood, not just boring straight people.

Well, I actually think we can now, as long as we haven't had sex in the past year.

And then before that, the law was as long as we haven't had sex since 1978, so you can be a crystal meth addict and waltz in here, and as long as you haven't eaten ass in the past year, it's blood-ahoy!

I hate this place, and I hate this whole h*m* country!

Sex before 1978 seems like it was very magical.

Well, we'd have to ask Truman Capote.

Hmm.

Oh, but at least they have this week's "Time Out New York."

The magazine for the loneliest people in the world.

I think that magazine is left behind more than actual su1c1de notes.

Oh, Shelley Long is going into "Fiddler on the Roof" on the 6th.

That'll work out.

Yeah, beautifully.

Oh, and it's Fashion Week!

Oh!

I better put my Crocs in the dishwasher.

Oh, listen to this: Christian Siriano is debuting his new clown-inspired couture at a runway show, and instead of using models, he's using female comedians.

Hey, you should be in that show.

[muffled] Yeah, I should be a fashion model.

Yeah. Oh, sh*t. I gotta go.

I have my audition.

What's it for?

It's to play an animated beaver who teaches kids how to use the toilet using song and dance.

Oh, I thought "Hannibal" was canceled.

Animation's great, though.

They never see your face, so you may as well do something humiliating, as long as it's lucrative.

The good news is, this gig is union, so I would get my insurance again.

That's the only reason I'm doing it.

It's 'cause my shoulder's still f*cked up.

I'm sorry, Billy. That sucks.

I'm falling apart.

I wasn't even that good to begin with.

Like "Scandal." Good-bye.

Break a leg!

Enjoy your cookies, my little blood diamond.

Ma'am.

Now what do you want?

Can I have some milk?

[driving punk rock music]

Hey, look, a line of overdressed dumdums.

It's definitely Fashion Week.

Me-ow.

Who recast "Reservoir Dogs," and where do I send a thank-you note?

Oh, yeah, those are the Ten Tens.

What?

The Ten Tens.

It's that group of, like, super-hot gay guys that go to parties that become orgies and orgies that become parties.

Seriously?

I'll bet nobody in there has ever heard an episode of "Serial."

Oh...

Heaven!

Jealous.

We have to try to get in.

Should we do, "I left my purse in the bathroom"?

I think we should do Donatella.

Hey, Donatella!

Donatella!

[both mimic speaking Italian]

Why'd we want to go to this party again?

These people... ugh.

Somehow fashion people are more superficial than entertainment people.

Oh, and even meaner.

All you need to do is be rude to the right person, and suddenly, everybody wants to be your best friend.

Watch this. Hey, bitch.

Are you too stupid to eat a sandwich or too drunk to keep it down?

Hey, queen.

I am living for her.

Wow. That works.

Oh, my God. I am so f*cked.

Now Tig dropped out. What am I gonna do?

How am I gonna go back and tell Christian we lost another lady comic?

I'm sorry, are you talking about Christian Siriano?

'Cause I'm a lady comic.

You are?

Yeah, of course she is, you coke straw.

This is Julie Kessler, the comedian's comedian's comedian.

Oh, totally.

You have to do the show. Okay, don't move.

I'm sending my assistant over to get your info.

Ah! Oh, my God, Billy!

Did I just become a model?

Yeah, I think so.

You'll be falling asleep listening to Leonardo DiCaprio talk about the environment in no time.

Okay, now you try it on the Ten Tens.

It's your turn to be one of the cool kids.

Be really mean, okay?

Okay. On my way.

If I don't come back...

I know. I know.

You're either high, getting f*cked, or dead.

This ain't my first rodeo.

Wow.

Didn't know they tested prep on the cast of "Jersey Boys."

[rock music]

Oh, f*ck, my shoulder.

Finish the story!

[sneezes]

So it's 5:00 a. m.

Me and the Ten Tens end up at Marc Jacobs'

"Good-bye Grindr" party, and then all the sudden, it turns into an orgy.

[huffs]

One guy tied up a bunch of John Varvatos slacks and turned it into a f*ck swing.

You deserve to be part of New York's seedy gay elite.

Thanks. I totally see why we can't give blood now.

Oh, and one of the guys there is gonna be the DJ Christian Siriano fashion show.

You mean the fashion show where I'll be making my modeling debut?

Oh, that reminds me, Christian's coming over later to measure me.

Should I serve snacks?

Maybe.

Hey, Matthew, what do twinks eat?

Ass!

Oh.

Oh, Julie, hold on. I'm getting another call.

It's probably the audition.

[groans]

Hold on. Hello?

[groaning]

Ma'am, are you choking?

[groaning]

You're not... I can't hear you.

You're sort of eating your words.

Are you choking? Oh, my God, she's choking!

Well, give her the Heimlich!

I don't know how.

You do it.

Oh, God, don't look at me!

I'm terrible in a crisis.

Uh, the poster!

Go to the poster!

Uh...

Lay the victim on his back.

Of course they would assume it was a man.

Forget that part. Just tell me what's next.

Face the victim, and kneel astride his hips.

Okay, is this astride? Or, no, that's a side saddle.

Hey, did you know we're entitled to paid vacation?

I want to see Belize.

Woman: Get off of me! I can't breathe.

Oh, my God! I got it! I'm an animated beaver!

Julie, I'm a beaver!

Shut up, nobody cares!

We're saving lives here.

Ma'am, ma'am, are you okay?

Listen, dessert's on the house.

We don't have any cakes, but I will spread jam on anything you'd like.

Oh, oh, oh, oh. Astride.

Oh, they should just call it "Mary Martin pose."

[cawing]

Mom, remember that Columbian shape wear you give me every year for Hanukah?

And you refuse.

And then you rewrap it and give it to me again?

Yes, yes.

I need it.

Oh!

Well, let me see if I can find this year's batch.

What's it for?

I'm going to be modeling in Christian Siriano's fashion show.

Seriously?

Yes, yes.

A real fashion show? You?

I know, it's for Fashion Week and everything.

I'm so excited.

Oh, my God.

Julie, this is huge.

I knew you'd be proud.

No, this waist shaper. It's huge.

Well, that's Siriano's problem.

Maybe the boning will help.

You know, I used to model.

Lord and Taylor, 1978.

Taylor, 1978.

I was a living model, and even though my metabolism skipped a generation, you now get to wear haute couture!

I'm happy that you're happy.

Oh.

[coughs]

Are you getting sick?

Oh, no, I'm fine. My throat's a little... I'm fine.

All right, you can not get sick.

You stay right there.

I'm gonna get you a Cipro.

I have a whole suitcase upstairs.

Let me see.

Oh, you feel fat.

I meant warm.

Did you?

Yes.

I'm keeping you tonight because none of you guys know the Heimlich Maneuver, and we almost got sued.

So we have Marcy here to teach us CPR.

Hi, guys. Who here hates choking?

Oh, yeah, not for me.

One time, a guy asked me to put a belt around his neck, and I was like, "Slow your roll, Al Pacino."

Well, I know all about autoerotic asphyxiation.

I used to teach CPR at the women's shelter, so I've met my share of sex workers.

f*ck you, Marcy.

Just because I'm trans, you think I'm a sex worker?

The closest I've come to working the streets is the summer I spent with Greenpeace and a clipboard.

Oh. Okay.

Well, this is Choking Chucky.

Choking Chucky by day, maybe.

Kevin Spacey's pool boy by night.

Well, Chucky was enjoying a nice taco salad when a little piece of tortilla went down the wrong pipe.

Uh-oh!

Uh-oh!

Okay, now let's save his life.

First, wrap your arms around his waist.

Oh, my God.

What?

Did you realize no one can reach around your waist?

One of the Ten Tens d*ed.

[gasps]

They were doing a photo sh**t on a Ferris wheel for David LaChapelle.

It was very windy.

They all fell off, and one of them d*ed.

Oh, my God!

Now they want me to be one of the Ten Tens, now...

'cause they're down to nine!

But you're barely a two!

You know what, Matthew? You make me think Matt Damon was right when he told gay actors to remain closeted.

Are you guys paying attention?

Are you?

Because we're being lied to every day by our government, and you know what else?

Steve Rannazzisi from "The League," he was in the World Trade Center that day.

Don't believe everything you read.

So like this?

Oh, no, no.

Not like that, not like that. Just get off him.

Okay, don't yell at me!

I'm just trying to do what you said, Marcy!

This is my one free night. I have to listen to Marcy?

Get the f*ck out of here, Marcy.

f*ck you, Marcy.

We hate each other, but we all agree that, "f*ck you."

f*ck you; get the f*ck out of here, Marcy.

There's the f*cking door, Marcy.

Yeah. f*ck you.

Get the f*ck out of here.

Such gender-privileged women's shelter bullshit.

Give it a rest.

Yeah.

Take Choking Chucky, and get back on the bus, Marcy.

Yeah. Bus is that way, and sit in the back, by the way.

On the bus back to your cisgender, transphobic women's shelter.

f*ck you!

Yeah, I'm one of the Ten Tens now, bitch.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry, Marcy.

It's okay.

Nate: Thank you.

Push!

[eerie music]

[thinking] Oh, no.

Maybe I am getting sick.

[dramatic music]

♪ ♪

Truman Capote?

Sex before 1978 was the living end.

[dramatic music]

♪ ♪

Both: Come walk us, Julie.

♪ ♪

Forever... and ever... and ever.

[eerie music]

♪ ♪

Eyeshadow palette. Did you forget?

You have your fitting for the fashion show.

Hi, I'm Christian Siriano.

Thank you so much for doing this, Julie.

[scratchy voice] Julie's not here, Mr. Siriano.

Boy, I'm so glad my assistant ran into you at that party.

We've had so many comedians and female Muppets drop out.

I can't tell you what a fan I am.

Oh, that's so sweet.

No, I literally can't tell you 'cause I don't know who you are.

Oh, that's so sweet.

Hmm. Lunch?

What is that? Like a yogurt sauce, or...

It's curried brook trout, actually.

Ugh, that smell will wake you up.

Arthur, uh, will you open a window, please?

Sure thing, paint chip.

You have a lot of neck sweat going on.

Oh, thank you.

I hope you're not getting sick.

I already lost Whitney Cummings to a nasty back rash.

Oh, no, no, I mixed Cipro with high-glucose cookies and diet pills.

Ah, the Evangelista. Mm-hmm.

You're gonna have a fun night.

We have to get you to bed now.

Uh-oh. Bedtime.

My boyfriend can't wait to f*ck me.

I'm gonna be wearing Columbian shape wear, so cut those numbers in half, Chrissy!

[rock music]

Okay.

Now we're gonna mark this rehearsal.

Any questions?

Yeah.

So I wear the costume, and then you animate over it, right?

You draw over the footage, like in "Waking Life" or something?

No, this is live action now.

Didn't the casting director tell you that we might be going live instead because of budget?

Uh, no.

I'm sorry. I can't do this.

I'm really sorry.

I was doing it for the insurance, and my shoulder's on fire, but I can't be seen like this.

Relax.

They're making you a plastic foam head.

That's why they were measuring you before!

[laughs]

It's just not ready yet.

Okay, but you promise no one will see even a trace of my real face in this, right?

Oddly enough, what Sylvester Stallone told his plastic surgeon before sh**ting "Creed."

Know what I mean, kids? "Creed"?

Do you like Stallone?

Major comeback. Hollywood, right?

They bring you up just to rip you down, then they bring you right back up again.

[laughs] You're very funny.

You should be doing comedy.

I know.

Anyway, action!

[playful music]

♪ You know what I like even more than you? ♪

Both: ♪ Using the potty when I pee and poo ♪
♪ Wipe, wipe, wipe, till you see the white ♪

Come on, kids!

Come on, Billy.

Shake that booty like your diaper is full.

All: ♪ Wipe, wipe, wipe, till you see the white ♪
♪ What the hell happened to my life ♪

All: ♪ Wipe, wipe, wipe, till you see the white ♪

God, Julie, you are sick.

Here, I brought you some ginger ale.

All right, now let's find the Hallmark Channel so you can watch your "Cedar Cove."

"Cedar Cove" turns off the brain so the body can heal.

Jules, how'd you get so sick?

[light instrumental music]

♪ ♪

I have no idea.

Tell me about work.

Well, I sang about using the toilet to a bunch of children all day, which I think means I'm now OT VII.

How'd they go from animation to live?

That doesn't make any sense.

Well, we learned when Scarlett Johansson recorded an album of Tom Waits covers that literally anything is possible.

How are your new friends?

They're good.

We went to the Prada party and had another orgy, but I feel like I'm leading a double life.

On the one hand, I hang out with these ten hot gay guys who I've never said more than two words to in my life, and on the other hand, I'm walking around in a diaper all day.

Billy, what if I'm too sick to do the fashion show?

Oh, no.

You're gonna be a fashion model, and I'm gonna be a famous baby beaver.

Dreams are coming true for us.

They just don't happen to be our dreams.

Billy, listen to me, okay? This is important.

If I die, I want you to know you're the only man in my life that's ever been worth a sh*t.

Uh, Kleenex, I'm right here.

I've made you six soups from scratch.

Arthur, no soup! Soup stinks.

"Cedar Cove."

Yeah, soup stinks!

"Cedar Cove."

All right.

Julie, I gotta go back to the cafe for a meeting.

Are you sure there isn't anything I can do to make you feel better?

Cold compress, or...

I could read you one of Pauley Perrette's tweets.

Pauley, why did you block me?

Here we go. Here's one.

"Have unshakable image of real 8-year-old child I saw that had this tattooed on his forehead. Never forget his face."

And then she sketches a little boy that has a "666" on his head.

"Cedar Cove."

"Cedar Cove."

[soup splashes, pot clangs]

Arthur, I'm worried about Julie under your care.

You know not to let her suck on any lozenges when she's laying down; she could choke!

Can this wait until the commercial?

I'm watching "The Real Housewives of OC" reunion.

Well, Julie's father's right.

You are gay.

Marilyn, I'm not gay.

I'm trying to help Julie while she's sick.

Well, sounds pretty gay to me.

And please continue watching television while my only child is in there suffering.

Julie is behind on her recaps, and I don't want her to get fired.

I'm trying to write some on her behalf.

Don't you know that this reality television's fake, Arthur?

It's stupid. It's vacuous... wait.

Why are they all yelling at the one with no chin?

Her boyfriend faked cancer!

Oh, my God.

She deserves to be yelled at.

And if you ask me, Vicki put Brooks up to it.

How many recaps have to be in by tomorrow?

Four.

Never gonna happen with just you. Move over.

All right.

And then the hooker with no education pretended to cry in front of her gay boyfriend.

[laughs] You're a poet, Marilyn.

Well, Julie's job is very easy.

You know, we have been writing recaps together all night.

We haven't fought once. You can be a real treat.

Well, you can be a real charmer when you're not drunk.

[laughs] Joke's on you.

I'm drunk right now.

Oh!

Oh, Julie would be so happy to see us getting along like this.

Julie's never happy, unless she's got a mouthful of cake and something to complain about.

Do you know, she once told me my socks were too noisy.

You know what she said to me? I was a withholding narcissist.

[both laugh]

Oh, well, we should go check on her.

I hate to say it, but I think she's too sick to go to the fashion show.

Oh, it's gonna break my heart to tell her.

[gasps] Ooh!

"Vanderpump Rules" is back on.

Twist my arm.

Okay.

Future generations will rename STDs "Jax" and "Stassi."

Zing!

[upbeat music]

Uh, where's the rest of it?

There's a giant hole for my face.

You can totally see me.

This is it!

Jenny McCarthy and Have a Hunch Foundation weighed in yesterday.

Apparently it's important for ages 0 to 2 to see the face of the character they are interacting with so that they can learn to read facial expressions.

No way I am showing my face on this show.

I said it since the beginning.

It's literally my one condition.

You think you're too cool for this?

You think one of your cool friends is gonna see you hopping around like a big baby beaver, and they're gonna say, "Billy is not cool"?

Yes, that is exactly what I am afraid of.

Well, you are the one who keeps bitching about health insurance.

Do you want this gig or not?

Okay.

Okay.

Having a tough day out there?

Yeah.

Want a taquito?

No, thank you.

I just... this is the first time in my life I'm one of the cool guys, and now I'm gonna be what?

A cool guy with a bad shoulder and no health insurance?

[sighs]

I wish Julie was here.

She'd tell me what to do.

Julie, huh?

Does Julie have a big p*ssy?

'Cause I like it when the roast beef goes past the bread.

Woman: Last looks, models. Last looks.

Come on, guys. We got five minutes.

Woman: Rita Rudner to the stage, Rita Rudner to the stage.

Wait, we're missing one.

Where's the redhead with the sweaty neck?

I thought Louie was unavailable, so you decided to do all women?

No, the other one that no one knows.

I'm so very sorry I'm late.

I had the "uh-uhs" in a Dunkin' Donuts ladies' room.

[quietly] Oof...

But now I'm here!

You're q*eer!

Now let's wear some clothes!

Is there a... a toilet?

Marilyn, you dozed off during "Manzo'd with Children."

Dozed off? Girl, please.

My body just shut down to protect me from the combined stupidity of Chris and Albie.

[laughs] That's good.

Noodles, I brought you some dry toa...

She's gone.

What?

Arthur, how could you let her leave?

You were here too!

I know.

But I've been lightheaded ever since I went down a dress size.

Why do I keep forgetting to eat?

Hello, Billy?

Billy: Hey Arthur.

I went to check on Julie, and she wasn't there.

Give me the phone.

Arthur: Marilyn, I can handle it.

Marilyn: No, you can't. Give it to me.

Julie's gone, and it's Arthur's fault.

Okay. I bet she went to the Siriano show.

I know where it is. I'll meet you there.

Hey, baby boom boom! Where you going?

You cannot leave in your costume!

He's probably going to meet his friend.

I think she's got a big snatch. Huge.

[dance music]

♪ ♪

Woman: ♪ I just want you here ♪

Man: Comedian Judy Gold.

Woman: ♪ Like it was 1941 ♪

What are you waiting for?

Go, go, go, go, go. Come on.

♪ ♪

[music slows]

[sputters]

[coughing]

Woman: ♪ I can't get enough ♪
♪ C'mon, why don't you show me how to swing? ♪

Oh, my God.

She's choking on that f*cking cough drop.

[gagging]

Oh... Just like Carrie Bradshaw.

[gasping]

Not like Carrie Bradshaw.

Oh...

Good-bye, Ten Tens.

Julie, don't worry!

Choking Chucky showed me what to do!

[groaning, gasping]

All: Oh!

Billy, you're a beaver!

Yeah.

And you seem to have uncorked the bottle, old friend.

Oh, use my diaper. Use my diaper.

[retches]

Let's go. Let's go. Let's go.

Let's g... ow! Ow! Ow! My shoulder.

Oh, my God! I'm so sorry!

Are you okay?

[crowd clamoring]

I'm a pretty girl, Mama.

Yes, you are.

[sobbing]

"Clown Whore Pukes On Gay Beaver."

Which one am I?

I'm sorry you don't have health insurance.

Me, too, but hey.

At least when I picked you up, it weirdly snapped my shoulder back into place.

That's awesome!

I know.

But you're still fired, right?

Oh, yeah.

They decided they actually didn't want to debut the costume in a photo where someone's puking on my d*ck.

You know, I heard that's why they got rid of the original Captain Kangaroo.

Yep.

And you're not still part of the Ten Tens?

Oh, no way. Who am I kidding?

I had no business being one of the cool guys anyway.

And I have to admit, I'm a little bummed that I puked all over my chances to be the pretty girl in the cute clothes, but the bright side is I'm still pretty hot for a recapper.

How did you get your stuff in on time?

Oh, Arthur wrote most of them with my mom, and then they turned in one I wrote while I was sick.

It was just the words "Cedar Cove" over and over again, but it never affected my page views.

Oh, great.

Yeah.

Hey, I've got a hankering for four times the glucose of a regular cookie.

Let's find that bloodmobile and trick them into taking your blood.

We could tell them that you're a virgin.

Or straight!

Ooh, like...

Both: Kevin Spacey!

Man: ♪ Thought it'd be easy ♪
♪ Thought they didn't know ♪
♪ You thought it was the only way to go ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Another way out ♪
♪ Found on the way home ♪
♪ Thought you were living fast ♪
♪ But you were living slow ♪

♪ ♪