01x02 - Effects

[bunniefuu]

("Jambalaya" by the plainsmen playing)

♪ jambalaya and a crawfish pie ♪
♪ and a fillet gumbo ♪
♪ 'cause tonight ♪
♪ I'm gonna see my ma cher amio ♪
♪ pick guitar, fill fruit jar ♪
♪ and be gay-o ♪
♪ son of a g*n, we'll have big fun ♪
♪ on the bayou ♪
♪ son of a g*n, we'll have big fun ♪
♪ on the bayou. ♪

(crickets chirping)

(Toilet flushes)

♪ don't try to cross that river ♪
♪ that you cannot see ♪
♪ don't try to tunnel ♪
♪ through that mountain ♪
♪ that may not be ♪
♪ don't try to bear that burden ♪
♪ that would bring you ♪

Jesus.

♪ Sorrow ♪

(groans)

♪ just let tomorrow be ♪

Oh, my God.

♪ Until tomorrow. ♪

Hello? Who's there?

It's just me.

(Scoffs) You all right?

Yeah, I... broke a shelf.

Sorry about that, I'll fix it.

What are you even doing down here?

Is that a stun g*n flashlight?

It's 3:26 in the morning.

I thought you were an intruder.

Oh, I'm for sure an intruder.

I just need more toilet paper.

Did you look under the sink?

I put in six extra rolls yesterday.

Yeah, I'm aware of that.

Oh.

Look, you can clean this up in the morning.

I'll do it, rather, you...

You should go back to bed.

Did you put ice on Mom's head?

I suggested it.

She said to stop being such a nerd.

Was there a bump?

Not when I went upstairs.

She said she was fine.

I checked her pupils.

She stayed downstairs?

Yes.

To watch Jimmy Kimmel.

Because he was your friend.

I mean, I met him briefly once at a party.

Well, she thought he was your friend.

She watched him every night.

I went to sleep at 10:00.

It was just a regular night.

"Good night, honey, I'll just sit down here and bleed to death."

Tig.

I did what I could.

I'm not saying you didn't, I'm just trying to understand it.

No one understands death.

I... I'm not trying to understand death, I'm trying to understand her death.

♪ If I was ♪
♪ a cute little kid ♪
♪ I would show you ♪
♪ the painting I did for you ♪
♪ but I'm up in the air ♪
♪ I'm not here and not there ♪
♪ if I was ♪
♪ a sad-eyed 18 ♪
♪ I would cut all... ♪

"How was your stay at the hospital?"

"Were you satisfied?"

Or did things not go so well?

Because you d*ed.

(Song ends)

Woman (Over phone): That was "Who knew" from "You won't" because...

I'm wearing some seriously ripped jeans right now.

(Scoffs) Good God.

(Dialing)

(Sighs, phone ringing)

Dude, are you listening?

Yeah, Anja does not get the tone of my show.

She has great taste.

And then she talks.

(Over phone): There's no connection between the music and what she's saying.

It's just not my show.

What can I do, man?

You need your personal time.

I'll...

I'll record the story here.

Then I'll send a playlist to go along with it.

Okay?

Yeah, I guess.

Sure, knock yourself out, dude.

All right, peace out.

(Disconnects)

(Scoffs)

"Number two.

During this hospital stay, how often did doctors and nurses explain things in a way you could understand?"

I mean, considering you had zero brain activity.

"Number three.

After you left the hospital, did you go directly to your own home, to someone else's home, or to another health facility?"

Or did you go directly into the ground because we couldn't save you?

"Number four.

Do you have any suggestions for improvement?"

Such as...

Should we stop sending questionnaires to dead people?

Now go into "One of us is dead" by the Earlies.

♪ It said "one of us is dead" ♪
♪ he just looked me in the eyes ♪
♪ and cried ♪

Toss.

♪ some days I don't know ♪

Recycle.

♪ If I've grown too cold ♪
♪ grown too old ♪
♪ and left without saying good-bye. ♪

Keep.

How's it going?

Great.

I should have all this wrapped up by the year 3000.

Have you finished going through the jewelry?

Yeah, but I don't wear a lot of jewelry.

Hmm. What about your someday wife?

Do you want the engagement ring?

What about your someday wife? Would Brooke want it?

Oh my gosh, we've only been together six months.

And during that time I almost d*ed twice, my mother d*ed once, so it's kind of hard to assess that relationship.

I could never be so casual about living with someone.

Clearly.

'Cause you've never done it.

(Sighs)

I cannot get rid of these shirts.

They're just so Mom.

Keep 'em.

I'd never wear any of this, even if all of my clothes b*rned in a fire, and I had to walk around naked.

Charity.

But then we'll never see them again.

Oh, look at that.

(Chuckles)

(Both sigh deeply)

Don't you think it's weird that Mom just fell like that?

Why, you think Bill k*lled her?

(Remy chuckles, Tig scoffs)

If only he had the passion for a crime of passion.

Hey, look, you're getting molested right now.

Oh, come on, Tig.

What? I was.

At least let me joke about it.

We should just... we should just throw that out.

I'm gonna take this stuff to the car.

Yeah.

All right?

Just gonna load this in the back.

Great.

Uh, you're running out of room, Tig.

Are you driving back to L.A. by yourself?

No, I'm not driving at all.

Maxine's nephew Scoot wanted a free trip to L.A.

If I would've driven, it would've taken four years with all my required stops, so...

(Toilet flushes)

Look at these giraffes in Tanzania.

Aren't they just magnificent?

Oh, we have got to go there one day.

We never will.

Brooke get home safely?

Yeah, she's probably joyfully irrigating her sinuses right now.

Oh.

No.

How did that even get there?

She was bleeding.

When I found her in the morning.

I thought you said she was bleeding from her nose and mouth, though.

She was slumped over.

What did she even trip on?

Every night, your mother would cut through the chair and that lamp, and every night I said, "go around, you're gonna trip."

I guess you were right.

Well, I wish I weren't.

This time.

Why did she trip that night?

I think we should just throw it away.

No, I want it. It's mine, right?

It's stained.

It's morbid and unsanitary.

I'll clean it.

Even so, I don't want it in this house.

I'll have it shipped to L.A., then.

That would be terribly expensive.

I don't care. I don't want to throw it out.

Then move it to the garage.

And get Remy to help you.

No, I can do it.

Tig!

Tig.

Bugsy.

Are you all right? What happened?

I'm just tired.

(Chuckles)

What are you doing with a chair out here?

It's her beautiful chair.

Bill wanted the chair in the garage because it's got my mother's blood on it.

(Crying): Oh, Miss Caroline.

Miss Caroline.

(Sobbing)

She was like a sister to me. (Sighs)

She was?

Oh, we told each other everything.

All our secrets.

What secrets?

You know, you know... nothing much.

Was there anything wrong, or any reason she might've been unsteady or upset?

No, I mean, she worried about your cancer, but you were spared because we prayed.

(Scoffs)

My mother did not pray.

No, she prayed.

You don't know, when you have kids, honey, you pray.

I've always wondered, all the people who pray that don't get spared, what do they think?

It's the same God, right?

But he just cares about some people's prayers and not the others?

Oh, he cares. He's just got another plan.

So why even pray if he already has a plan?

Because he's more likely to take your wishes into consideration when you communicate with him.

He loves everybody, just like any father loves all his kids.

But he appreciates the ones who call him.

So he gives them more.

Oh, well, that makes sense.

I can get this stain right out with some ammonia.

No, I want it.

No.

Lord no, this isn't what you want to remember.

Remember her.

How she lived to give.

If I ever said I liked something she was wearing, she would take it right off and hand it to me.

Really?

Yes.

Tig, she loved you like life.

(Chuckles)

She loved everything you do.

Your dancing, your singing.

(Sobbing)

I can't sing.

And I rarely dance.

Well, she sure loved it when you did.

Excuse me.

Oh.

Sorry.

Sorry.

I'll fix the shelf after breakfast.

It's fine, Tig. I can call Handy Dan.

No, I can't have you living like this, with things out of place any longer.

I'm concerned about your health.

Trust me, I've been worse.

Hot plate's busted.

What's that?

It's a "pre-and-probiotic" supplement that Brooke's nutritionist wanted me to drink.

Is it good?

I mean, if you enjoy drinking a clay pot, then, yeah.

Would it help my hangover?

What? You're allowed to drink too much if your mother dies.

Brooke was quite passionate about the healing benefits of those shakes.

Oh, yeah? Did she tell you that nerd to nerd?

She asked that I remind you to drink one daily.

She was obsessed with this doctor, because he helped Kim Kardashian lose her baby weight.

Yeah, she really struggled.

(Scoffs)

I saw it on the cover of something.

Well, severe C. diff is a lot harder to cure than Jenny McCarthy's IBS.

And with that, I will be right back.

We got anymore cheese?

(Toilet flushing)

♪ ♪
♪ ♪

Remy, are you still here?

What? Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

Any idea where the drill might be?

Uh, yeah, I have it up here somewhere.

Um...

See you've been putting Bill's tools to good use.

Well, I...

I'm waiting on the black cherry wood for the floors, and I had to special order the window replacements, so...

Special order from which galaxy?

You've been working on this renovation for, what, five years?

Yeah, more like three, but...

I had to teach myself all this stuff.

I'm just surprised Bill hasn't kicked you out for breach of contract or started charging you rent.

I pay rent.

I've actually done quite a bit.

Uh-huh.

Oh, it looks like somebody needs some new jammies.

Oh, these are for my civil w*r re-enactment club.

No. You're kidding.

When did... when did you start doing that?

A while, Tig.

Years.

I'm sorry I never thought to ask if you did civil w*r re-enactments, but you're right, I probably should have.

(Groans)

Oh, I found it.

Oh, yes, of course, with the shoes.

Any idea where the drill bits are?

Maybe in your socks?

Actually, uh, I just remembered.

Yeah, it's broken.

Really?

That's surprising.

The drill's broken.

I've been doing some research.

I have found a world-renowned digestive disease specialist practicing in New Orleans.

Really?

And I was able to garner an appointment for him to see you today at 4:00.

I don't know if I'm up for all that.

I decided to work from home today, so that I would be available to escort you.

Bill, you don't have to do that.

That is the plan that I have made.

And here is a list of his qualifications for you to peruse before we go.

Given that Dr. Moreno's treatment plan has not resolved the C. difficile, I would strongly advocate for a fecal microbiota transplant.

This is a procedure in which fecal matter is collected from a tested donor, mixed with a saline solution, strained, then placed into the patient by colonoscopy, endoscopy, or good old-fashioned enema.

A fecal transfer?

Yes.

A fecal transfer.

(Wonka-esque music plays)

(Pump whooshing)

Dr. Griggs: Ideally, the donor would be someone you know, a friend or a family member who is in good health, and regular, but has no history of drug use, intestinal problems, or tuberculosis.

That is not happening.

I know.

I know, it sounds terribly unpleasant, but human excrement is actually an FDA approved experimental drug.

This is my area of expertise, and those of us on the forefront of fecal transfer are calling for it to become the first line therapy for C. diff.

No, thank you.

Did you know that was his area of expertise?

I knew he was considered one of the world's leading experts in intestinal diseases.

I just... (Laughs)

I am not inserting somebody else's feces into my anus.

I don't care how fun that sounds.

You can ingest it as a pill.

Did you hear him say that?

Oh. So I can just eat stool?

Now we're talkin'.

Approximately 40,000 people d*ed of C. diff last year, in the United States alone.

When did you become Bay St. Lucille's leading expert on C. diff?

I thought you were just thin because of the cancer.

But then it became apparent you're still quite unwell.

(Indistinct conversation on television)

Hey, can you have cheese?

'Cause this smoked cheddar is incredible.

No, but, um, would you mind making a tiny little fecal deposit on this for me?

(Remy laughs)

I wish I could. It's been days.

(Tig laughs)

Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.

Well, sadly, now you're off the list.

Well, fortunately for you, you live with a man who has a daily movement between the hours of 7:00 A.M. and 7:20 A.M.

Still? Same window?

Oh, rain or shine, without fail. (Laughs)

Daylight savings?

No... no impact.

It's like he's on a timer.

Do you think it's always the exact same amount?

Yeah, I do. I think it's the same shape.

It's... it's probably buoyant, and like a cylinder (Tig laughing) that's like a swim noodle, or...

Is that what they're so...

(Both laughing)

What's funny?

(Both laughing)

Nothing, nothing.

Oh, no.

I certainly hope you're not making light of your potentially fatal illness.

You may have survived cancer... that doesn't mean you're not gonna die of something else.

Well, we know I will.

No, soon, I mean.

You're not well.

You're not well at all.

It's not a joke.

It's your life.

(Caroline groans)

Yay, the bouncy ball!

Caroline, get down from there.

Don't be so uptight, Bill.

(Groans)

How did that one get up there?

Oh! Oh! Caroline!

You're going to k*ll yourself.

Oh, don't be such a nerd. I'm fine.

One more.

He's just upset about Mom.

Then why can't he just cry over her sweater drawer like a normal person?

He's not a normal person.

I mean, he feels responsible for her, and for us.

We're adults.

Despite all evidence to the contrary.

So was Mom, and she d*ed.

♪ Should have known better ♪
♪ to see what I could see ♪
♪ my black shroud ♪
♪ holding down my feelings ♪
♪ a pillar for my enemies ♪
♪ I should have wrote a letter ♪
♪ and grieve what I happen to grieve ♪
♪ my black shroud ♪
♪ I never trust my feelings ♪
♪ I waited for the remedy ♪

(door opens)

Hey, Bill, um, I don't blame you for what happened to Mom, and I'm sorry if it felt like I did.

♪ I'm light as a feather ♪
♪ I'm bright as the Oregon... ♪

Okay, well, I got the stain out of the chair.

You can't even see it at all.

Good. For you.

Are you sure you don't want to keep it here?

Not without your mother in it.

♪ No, I'm not a go-getter ♪
♪ the demon had a spell on me ♪
♪ my black shroud ♪
♪ captain of my feelings ♪
♪ the only thing I wanna believe ♪

It's just a chair.

Yes.

♪ I saw her face on the back of the door ♪

Bill.

Yes, Tig.

Have you ever had tuberculosis?

No, Tig.

I most certainly have not.

♪ ♪
♪ I should have known better ♪
♪ nothing can be changed ♪
♪ the past is still the past ♪
♪ the bridge to nowhere ♪
♪ I should have wrote a letter ♪
♪ should have wrote a letter ♪
♪ explaining what I feel ♪
♪ that empty feeling ♪
♪ don't back down ♪
♪ concentrate on seeing ♪
♪ the breakers in the bar ♪
♪ the neighbors greeting ♪
♪ my brother had a daughter ♪
♪ had a daughter. ♪
♪ The beauty that she brings ♪
♪ illumination ♪
♪ don't back down ♪
♪ there is nothing left ♪
♪ the breakers in the bar ♪
♪ no reason to live ♪
♪ I'm a fool in the fetter ♪
♪ fetter ♪
♪ rose of Aaron's beard ♪
♪ where you can reach me ♪
♪ don't back down, back down ♪
♪ nothing can be changed ♪
♪ cantilever bridge ♪
♪ a drunken sailor ♪
♪ my brother had a daughter ♪
♪ my brother had a daughter ♪
♪ the beauty that she brings ♪
♪ illumination, illumination ♪
♪ illumination. ♪