01x02 - Period

[bunniefuu]

Hi, Sam.

Hi, Dr. Akoya.

How are you doing?

I'm okay.

Been behaving yourself?

Well, you're about to find out.

You might find some evidence in there.

[laughing]

Gosh, you're so crazy.

I can see you haven't been behaving yourself.

You've got a belly full of dicks there, young lady.

Oh, God!

Sam, you must stop.

Sorry.

Okay, shall we take a look?

[exhale] Fine.

Okay. Anyway, I was just kidding. I haven't done anythi-ing.

Okay?

Yeah.

Right. Okay.

All good. All normal.

Okay. Normal, like... for my age?

How close am I?

Close to...

Like, have I shut down down there?

Am I a man yet?

Please tell me I'm close to being a man.

No more periods.

Sam, I hate to tell you, but you have the reproductive system of a 16-year-old.

Oh, my God.

Yeah. Your tubes are ripe and working.

Jesus, that's so weird.

Why?

I don't know. I just... Because...

Ew! Shut up. Stop talking about me.

Okay. All right.

Talk about you. When are you due?

Any bloody minute, as you can see.

Can I feel?

Yeah, of course.

Ohh!

Hello, there, baby.

Your mommy's a doctor.

And your daddy's a... Uh, writer?

Yeah, yeah. He, uh, well, he's trying to write.

Mm.

So this is so weird.

Um, I went to Dr. Akoya today.

She pregnant?

Yeah.

Really?

Oh, my God.

I know. That's annoying.

Why?

I don't know.

She should take a leave of absence when she's pregnant.

Why?

I don't know.

Oh, baby, are you pausing yet?

No. Okay, so this is the weird thing.

I assumed, you know.

I thought I was at the end of the rope here, and I was kind of hoping that she was going to say that.

But apparently I have the reproductive system of a 16-year-old. Like, my tubes are really good, and my eggs are still coming, and I'm fully functional and productive and just the reproductive system of a 16-year-old.

Hmm.

Did I fart? What's wrong?

But your eggs are... fried.

Right? I mean, they're... rotten.

It's not like you can make anything.

Um...

Do you want to have a baby?

No. I just...

Then why did you bring it up?

I just thought it was funny.

Oh. Well, it is. It's funny.

Um, okay.

I think I'm going to have the s'mores.

♪ Mother, you had me ♪

♪ I, I wanted you ♪
♪ You didn't want me ♪

As long as you're doing all this, can you help me out on the chin a little?

Do I have to be an alien who's also an aging lady with whiskers?

Don't women on the planet Zeepzop get electrolysis or whatever?

[laughter]

No, but seriously, can you...

Hi, Sam.

Oh. Hi.

So, um, this is just...

I'm sorry, but thank you so much.

What?

Uh, you can get out of that make-up and go home.

Home to the hotel?

No. Home to Los Angeles.

Oh.

Oh.

Got it. I'm fired.

No. Not exactly.

They decided that, instead of the Horvan Crystal getting destroyed and then having to come back to the planet to seek the source, they're just going to go straight to the Peevan Galaxy.

Oh. No. Totally.

Also, we, uh, would really appreciate it if you didn't divulge any of the story points to the public or post any selfies while still in make-up.

Copy that.

Hi.

Can we smoke in your cab?

How many kids do you have, Curtis?

[Jamaican accent] I got four kids, man.

Are any of them named Curtis?

Uh-huh. No, them all girl, you see, but I'm on working on getting me a Curtis, and I will not quit until I get me one.

[laughing]

So how many kids you got, darling?

I have three girls.

Is the daddy a good man?

Um... uh...

I get the picture.

That's why, cuz, I will never, never leave my children.

Never.

Yeah, so you get to tuck them in every night, right, Daddy?

Soon come. They live in Jamaica.

Yoo-hoo!

Hi, Mom.

Hello, darling.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

Hi.

Don't come over here.

Don't come over here. Don't come...

Have a good day, Mom.

What are you doing?

I got to go...

What are you doing?

I just got back from working in Canada.

Canada? You know, it's legal to be a prost*tute there.

Fascinating, isn't it?

If you're not a child.

It's illegal to pay for a prost*tute, but it's legal to be one.

Oh. Good. Well, anyway...

[sigh]... they let me go a day early, so...

Where are the girls?

Well, I assume they're here, although they don't answer their phones to t*rture me.

Susie's with them.

Oh. Why didn't you ask me to watch them when you were gone?

Oh, that's okay.

Well, anyway, it's impossible because I couldn't have done because we have a neighborhood watch meeting to discuss disaster response.

Mom, I want to go inside now.

Yes. I know.

Okay.

Hold on a minute because what I wanted to tell you was that I'm building up my muscles.

And look. Look at my arm.

That's good. Good.

No, look. Feel it.

Nope.

Because what's interesting is that my nail is falling off, and that's disgusting.

No. Mom, I don't...

The muscles are really, really good.

Go on, feel them, Sam.

No.

Let me see yours, then.

No, Mom! I don't want to stand outside and compare bodies with you like we're grooming chimps.

I'm sorry.

Time to go home now, though.

You certainly told me.

Yes. Home. Now.

All right.

Ohh.

Oh, sh*t.

[gasp]

Oh, sh*t.

Hello.

[gasp]

[phone rings]

[ring]

[ring]

[ring]

No, Mom. I mean, you weren't even supposed to be home today.

We would have cleaned it all up.

This... This doesn't even count.

Sam?

[sigh] Hi, Susie.

Hi.

Susie, I didn't mean it.

I didn't mean hi.

Sorry.

Where is Duke?

Duke is sleeping at Lam's house, and Max...

I don't give a sh*t where Max is right now.

Mom, you're freakazoid.

Please stop freaking out so we don't have to send you to a mental hospital.

This is what I'm going to do.

I'm going to go upstairs and take a long nap, like Susie got to, and then I'm going to come downstairs, and all of this is going to be cleaned up.

Mom, I can't. I have soccer, remember?

Are you taking me to soccer?

I'll take her.

Hello.

Hi, Mom.

Hello, darling.

Uh, tell me about your muscles and the water thing.

You can do it now if you want.

Oh. Well, you know Marshall Sanders.

Uh, well, he's the watch commander, and his wife d*ed last year, and I don't know whether I'm making it up, but I think he's got his eye on me because do you remember how he looked at me in the grocery store?

And then I thought to myself, God, "watch commander"... Aptly named.

But I might be wrong. Anyway, but the thing is, I was very, very pleased that he chose me to be in charge of water because I thought it was quite a responsible position, don't you think? It is, isn't it?

And so I've got to be very on the ball in case there's an earthquake.

Uh, and then he'll be pleased with me, don't you think?

Anyway, so the doctor says I'm losing muscle mass, but he's a liar.

Uh-huh.

And he can't tell me what's happening to my body because I know.

So I'm trying to decide if I should sue him.

What do you think?

And then he'd stop.

Singer: ♪ There is a house ♪
♪ In New Orleans ♪

Phil.

Yes, darling?

Do you have any vodka?

I always have vodka.

Sam: What was the name of the man that you were dating when you met my dad?

[sigh]

[laugh]

Audrey.

That's right.

That's amazing. Audrey.

Hmm.

He swept me off my feet.

Then why didn't you marry him?

Oh, no, no. You don't marry the man who sweeps you off your feet.

You marry the man who pulls you back down and grounds you, takes care of you.

My dad.

No.

What do you mean?

I met Audrey in 1960, and I fell in love immediately.

And he took me to New Zealand to live by a vineyard while he picked grapes for about five cents a pound.

And then I met Joseph, and he was an American businessman.

He was very small and serious.

And he saw me in the Village, and he said, "I'm gonna marry you," and told me how much he made and he could provide for me, and so I grew up, and I said yes to Joseph.

What the hell?

What the hell, Mom. I don't know this story.

[chuckles]

What happened to Joseph?

Well, we were getting ready to go back to the States the get married, and I said good-bye to Audrey.

But then Joseph d*ed.

[laughing]

Jesus. He d*ed?

He drowned.

He got drunk and fell in a puddle.

Well, it was raining.

And so then I went back to Audrey.

And then two years later, I met your father.

[chuckles]

So why did you marry my dad?

[sighs]

I don't know. [sighs]

Why'd you marry him?

[trailing] I don't know...

Why'd you marry my dad?

[exhales, mutters]

[door closes]

[footsteps approaching]

[moaning]

[footsteps departing]

[sighs]

[sighs]

[moans]

So are you ever gonna say something?

About what?

Oh, my God. Nothing.

Are you ever gonna say something?

About what?

Oh! About my dad leaving.

What?

Yeah, I didn't think so.

Max, you had a party.

No, it wasn't a party. And anyway, you left.

I had to work.

God, you don't have to work, Mom.

What? How do you think we ever have anything?

You work because you wanna be famous.

Dad told me. You have tons of money in savings, and he is living like sh*t.

This is so unfair that I think I'm gonna pass out.

Oh, my God. Yeah, Mom, you're the victim.

Everything is unfair.

Max, I try like hell to be fair to your father and not put you in the middle.

I'm human, but I do try that.

But you're 16 now, and that's old enough to know how unfair it is what you just said to me.

You know, it really disgusts me how you will sometimes say anything to avoid responsibility for your mistakes.

You had a party, and you wrecked the house.

You're not the first kid to do that.

It's not the end of the world.

Then why are you acting like it is?

Because you make me get this mad before you even look up from your phone!

And you act like your sh*t don't stink and you shouldn't answer for anything.

But you know what, baby?

Your sh*t does stink.

And your father lives better than I do!

And I pay for all of it!

[groans]

[phone buzzing]

Answer your phone.

Hello?

If you can meet me somewhere tomorrow at ten in the morning, then we can do it maybe even twice.

I have a meeting at noon.

Yes, I will be there then.

Bye.

[exhales]

20 years instead kids they never left, they let... It's like this amazing story.

So I asked if I could do my project, like, I have three of my friends stay in my basement for, like, a month.

And then we all write about it afterwards to see what it felt like.

And it was like... Mom, are you listening?

Yes. What? Tell me.

Ugh! Mom, listen.

Okay, go.

I'm telling you about this because it's important!

Frankie, don't speak to your mother like that!

Ugh! Anyway, my teacher was like, "No, you can't do that."

But I was like, "Oh, This is just so...

Mommy, I don't get what this is.

Oh, my God!

Frankie!

Hey!

Stop. Save it for later.

[growls] Oh, I wanna k*ll everybody.

Calm down.

Mommy, what is this ever gonna do?

It's this women and girls empowerment thing, and it's annoying.

Women and girls empowerment is annoying?

It is the way my school does it.

The people get up there and they talk and they ruin it.

Oh, well, I'll try not to ruin it.

Now, come on, we're here for your mother.

No, we're not.

Yes, we are.

Hey, Patty.

[gasps] Sam, thank God you're here.

Hi, Miss Donner. Donner, Donner...

Did you think I wasn't gonna come?

Well, two of my speakers flaked on me.

Oh, my God.

I'm gonna start.

Okay, so who's on first?

It's just you.

Oh, sh*t.

Darling!

Okay? I'm starting.

Donner, Donner, Donner, Donner.

God!

I am so happy you all could come to our women and girls empowerment seminar.

We have one guest speaker.

And tonight she's gonna speak about being a mom and having a career.

Nobody cares.

Please welcome our very own Sam Fox.

Oof.

[applause]

Yeah, Mom! Go, Mom!

[clears throat] Thank you, Patty.

Um, well... [clears throat]

I work and I am a mom.

And some of you might later in life find yourselves in the same situation, I hope.

Because you girls can be anything you want.

You know, when I was a girl, no one ever really said that women had jobs, except Marlo Thomas and Mary Tyler Moore.

[man laughs]

Thank you, Henry.

But, uh... we can do it all!

And we have to do it all, because in the end, the mom, the women, are the ones left watching.

Okay, this is...

Let me ask you all a question.

How many girls out there get your period?

Yeah, you heard me.

If anybody here has got their period yet, put your hand up.

Put your hand up. It's okay.

It's okay.

Who's cotton-holing?

I know, gross.

But we're all girls and women here.

It's just us.

So come on, Frankie, help me out.

Mom!

Come on, raise your hand.

Listen, Frankie and I went through it last week.

She was stealing her sister's tampons for half a year before she told me.

Mom!

Frankie.

Be a leader. Get your hand up.

Mom!

Help 'em out.

Good girl! There!

Anybody else? Who else here? Who's bleeding?

There you go! Good! So brave!

Come on, moms, let's hear it for them.

All right, who here has not gotten their period yet?

Wow! Okay!

Well, you girls are in for it. You really are.

But we all got your backs, right?

Who here is having their period right now?

I know I am! Can you tell?

All right! Thank you!

Mrs. Donner! Yeah!

Moms? Thank you! Hands, hands.

Sisters all!

Who here has stopped getting their period altogether?

Aunt Flo has left the station forever.

Mom. Mom.

Thank you!

Thank you for that! Thank you!

Look, we're all girls, and we're all women.

And we all bleed, and we all suffer.

And then the bleeding stops, and we still suffer.

But you're gonna find your own path, because we're tough, and we can take it.

And as long as you believe in yourself, and you take care of each other and watch out for each other, you just make the rest up as you go along.

That's all there is to it.

That's it! Thank you!

Thank you! Thank you, Detroit!

[cheering and applause]

Good job, Mom. Also, I hate you.

I know. It's okay.

Okay.

Yeah.

Do you have a condom?

No.

You need to use a condom.

You never asked me before.

I know.

sh*t.

Wait, wait. I'll be right back.

What?

Stay.