03x06 - The Open Road

[bunniefuu]

(WATER DRIPPING)

Leslie: Hey!

What's taking so long?

Ahh, there she is.

Whatcha got?

Prune juice and Neosporin.

You do love me.

Actually, I changed my mind, and I'm not gonna work at home today.

I'm gonna... I'm gonna go.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. You're not goin' anywhere.

You're gonna stay here.

You're gonna be my little nurse.

I have a lot of work to do, and I just can't do it here.

I can help you with that, just come on.

I mean, that's... I know, bring... I'll bring food.

No, please don't leave me alone with my thoughts.

Maura: Just relax and I'll be back.

Bye.

Okay.

Love you.

Love you, too.

Josh: How was your room?

Shea: Well, I'm pretty sure I didn't get bedbugs.

Oh, congrats.

Are you hungry?

Yeah.

Yelp says there's a diner with a strong waffle game about a mile up.

What makes a strong waffle game?

Well, honestly, uh, you know, a waffle is just a delivery system for the butter and the syrup, so I'm gonna go with the butter and the syrup.

(LAUGHS)

I've never actually called out before today.

Whatever. If he fires me, I'll just go somewhere else.

It's not like there isn't a million places I can go dance.

It's kind of like being a nurse.

I... I'm pretty sure what you do is a little more interesting than that.

It's actually way less crazy than everyone thinks.

It's mostly just sad guys with cocaine problems.

Sounds like the music business.

Come on, you guys probably sit in swivel chairs, and eat ice cream sandwiches all day.

We do not.

We sit in swivel chairs and drink coconut water all day, okay?

(CHUCKLES)

I like coconut water.

Me, too.

I don't know, I feel like when I was a kid I imagined a very different picture of success.

When I was a kid I was a terror.

I used to drive on mushrooms.

Drive, like, automotive vehicles?

I was out of control.

Um, I think I'm glad I met you now.

Oh, honey, I know you are.

Come with me on the journey to Shell and Back.

To Shell and Back.

Okay, now...

Which one's better?

Well, they were both wonderful.

Play with it, have fun, but listen, listen...

Okay, I... I'm having a little trouble.

My neck is getting a little...

It's okay, it's okay.

I have a little vertigo.

Now when I come around, say your line.

Come with me on the journey to Shell and Back.

Again.

Come with me on the journey to Shell and Back.

And...

And now I have to throw up.

Oy! Gotenyu. Buzzy, was that all right?

It was great.

Oh, good.

Oh, good. Good.

I'm sure we got good, good, good, stuff.

Good. All right.

Did it sound good?

Sounded great.

The best ever.

Oooh.

(LAUGHING)

Oh.

This is some camera.

Yeah.

How much did it cost?

Uh... a little over a thousand bucks.

Look, Shell, this is prosumer.

With a couple of good lenses, we can compete with movies in theaters.

Well, I don't see why we couldn't have just borrowed a camera from Sarah and Len.

They got that really nice one for Zachary's bris.

A few years ago, but still...

I mean, and I thought that trial take that we did on my phone, I thought that looked really great.

Babe, this is an investment in you.

You deserve this. You deserve this.

(TYPING)

Buzzy, sweetheart, I don't want to be a noodge, but, uh, you've racked up a lot of electronics on my credit cards recently, and I don't want to max them out and pay a lot of interest.

Relax, babe, I got a system.

Yeah, what system?

I enrolled you in a points program.

It's free to join and everything you buy gets you points.

And then we return the stuff, keep the points.

All these points are good for travel.

It's amazing more people haven't figured it out.

What if this stuff gets damaged and I'm stuck with it?

I'm not an amateur, Shell.

It's just so complicated.

You know what? I... I can't stand to see this...

This long face. Come here, come here.

Wait! What are you doing?

I'm gonna let you in on my... on my little surprise.

I'm working up to a big reunion, and I almost have enough points with everything we've got.

A big reunion with what?

Cruise tickets for the entire family.

Really? Oh, my...

There's that beautiful smile.

Oh, G...

Don't move.

(LAUGHING)

(LAUGHING)

Give me your glasses.

Take my glasses, babe.

(CAR ALARM CHIRPS)

All right. (SIGHS)

Thank you.

Man: I'd just like to say I saw an old woman walking the other day.

Hunched and hunched.

Oh, dear, this mean world.

How the wind tried to blow her down.

Um, I need some coffee. Some coffee.

Yeah.

You here for the open mic?

No, we're just driving through.

So...

Cool.

So, yeah, two coffees?

Yes, please.

Um...

(UTENSILS SCRAPING)

Man: Gripped the walker in defiance of the gust.

They didn't get the memo about sun dried tomatoes.

Mm.

I used to work at Wrapped It Up in high school.

And we put this nasty pink sauce in everything.

And the manager used to run around going, "No dry bites."

(LAUGHS) "No dry bites."

Over and over.

I do hate a dry bite.

Yeah, I do, too.

And it said, brother, you gotta understand.

We are the brave men.

Brave like boulders battling the sun each day.

Our faces the hardened son of warriors, battle and battle to keep safe.

I'll be right back.

Man: And the boys went off to w*r.

(DOOR CLOSES)

And the w*r went on.

And on.

And on.

And on.

(APPLAUSE)

Man 2: Give it up for Ron, everybody.

Yeah.

Okay, I guess that's it for today.

I want to thank you guys for coming out.

Oh, yeah, sure. Come on up here, bro.

Um, hi, everybody. Um, my name's, um...

Kevin Johnson.

Um, and I'm from Dallas.

Haven't played in a while, so hopefully this won't be too painful.

(CLEARS THROAT)

(EXHALES)

(GUITAR)

♪ We can make it in another world ♪
♪ Where money doesn't equal time ♪
♪ Time is not a number on the wall ♪
♪ Wall don't keep what's yours from mine ♪
♪ We can make it in another world ♪
♪ Where who we are is not the same as what we do ♪
♪ And what we do comes from love ♪
♪ Love is a language and the words are true ♪
♪ Make a map to another world ♪
♪ Set your clock for another time ♪
♪ The here the now is chiming ♪
♪ Do you hear it chiming?

♪ Make a map to another world ♪
♪ Set your clock for another time ♪
♪ The here the now is chiming ♪
♪ Do you hear it chiming? ♪

(GUITAR)

♪ Make a map to another world ♪
♪ Set your clock for another time ♪
♪ The here the now is chiming ♪
♪ Do you hear it chiming? ♪
♪ Make a map to another world ♪
♪ Set your clock for another time ♪
♪ The here the now is chiming ♪
♪ Do you hear it chiming? ♪

(GUITAR)

Sarah: You know, for someone who never has a Seder, you got a lot of Seder stuff.

Remember this?

Oh, you found the Seder plate.

Oh, I love that.

You remember that big, famous, hideous Seder of 1995. (LAUGHS)

Remember that?

With Aunt Brina?

Oh, my God, yeah.

Right? She was on OJ's side.

What did she keep saying?

Nicole was lucky to have him.

How many times did she scream that?

I mean, yeah.

(LAUGHING)

What is all this crap?

What are you doing?

Are you, like, starting a spy operation?

What is happening here?

It's all this electronic equipment that Buzzy thought was very important for us to have for my one woman show, "To Shell and Back."

This is super expensive.

I mean, who paid for this?

I did.

Uh-huh.

My show, my responsibility.

Uh-huh.

Does he pay rent?

What?

I mean, I know that he moved in.

Please tell me that he pays rent, at least.

He's paying you rent.

You're not taking care of him, are you?

Oh, that is a very sexist thing to say.

If I were an older man, and he was a booby blondie, nobody would think twice about my supporting him. Would they?

Okay, that is, like, completely irrelevant, not one thing of what you just said is actually what the situation is.

Well, you know what I mean.

No.

Actually, I don't know.

I mean, he's a fully grown man, and he... he's just spent thousands of dollars on equipment you don't need.

I am... happy.

I am very happy.

Let me be happy.

This the kiddush cup?

No. It's a vase from the Jewish Museum in New York.

It'll pass for a kiddush cup.

Shea: Yes, and that was the end of Jack.

Took me a month to find my cat.

He dumped her at the animal shelter, you know.

Which led to Doug.

Who I met at the animal shelter.

Dropping off or picking up?

Uh, no, he worked there.

Oh. At least he was gainfully employed.

Yeah.

You know, dating while trans is a real sh*t show.

If you don't get the p*ssy, you're festishized by a bunch of cock-hungry Johns.

And if you do get it, you know, you're still stigmatized.

It's like a no win situation.

All my girlfriends told me not to bother with bottom surgery, they said I'd be giving up my coin machine.

Jesus.

I even had a trans auntie tell me, "Miss Shea, girl, don't you go get that p*ssy, darling.

"You know what they say? A chick with a d*ck is always paid."

(CHUCKLES)

But that... That's assuming that you're gonna be, like, a sex worker.

Like, forever. Or whatever.

I mean, what about...

I don't know, maybe even having a family.

My foot's asleep. You wanna drive?

Yeah. Here. Pull up right over here.

All right.

My shift.

(CHUCKLES)

(WHISTLES)

Are you seeing this?

What the hell is this?

Um... it's a thing of majesty, I believe.

Should we, uh, investigate?

Of course.

(LAUGHS) All right.

Miss Pfefferman.

Hi.

How are you doing?

I'm good, thanks, how are you?

I'm really good.

So, I hear you're having some pain.

Well, let's take a look, shall we?

Wait, uh, I get a little nervous around this stuff.

Last time you gave me, um, some... some of that gas.

Yeah, last time we gave you 40.

How'd that feel?

Uh, good.

Good.

I mean, maybe, I don't know, I could use, like, 10 percent more, just 'cause...

Katrinka!

We'll get you handled.

Great, thanks.

♪ Her blood is our blood, too ♪
♪ I know♪
♪ And I feel all of it, too ♪
♪ You know ♪
♪ You know ♪

Did you just f*ckin' open that?

Yeah. (LAUGHS)

Wait, I'm like stuck.

♪ 1936 breathing ♪
♪ Garnet her stone ever gleaming ♪

Clean through.

Are you in?

♪ And Edith's hope is for love ♪
♪ But she doesn't hear of her grandchildren grieving ♪
♪ No, eldest raised by Al Ringling ♪
♪ Spirit granted from Sing Sing ♪
♪ And all of her heart is for dr*gs ♪
♪ And she doesn't care that everyone is leaving ♪
♪ Her blood is our blood, too, I know ♪

You're always trying to race me.

Not bad.

♪ I feel all of it, too ♪
♪ You know, you know ♪

(SCREAMING)

(LAUGHING)

♪ Her blood is our blood, too ♪

Ho!

(WHISTLES)

(SCREAMING)

Watch out!

♪ I feel all of it, too ♪
♪ You know ♪

(LAUGHING)

You're f*ckin' fast.

(PANTING)

I just had a notion.

What's your notion?

Um, like when a guy's having sex with a girl, he's like, always in the back of his mind, he's like, I might get this girl pregnant.

Not good.

But, like, with you, it's like... not possible, so, I don't know, you could just relax.

Like, go all out.

That's...

I'm just...

That's f*cked up.

Wait, why? I... It's like a positive.

I'm...

That's what you go to?

That's the positive?

It's a positive. I'm just tryin' to say...

It's like, I don't see why it would ever be a negative for anybody.

It's, like, great. I mean...

(SIGHS)

I'm sorry.

It's such a f*cking stupid thing to say.

I'm a f*ckin' idiot. Okay?

Hey.

(BREATHING HEAVILY)

So dumb.

(LAUGHS)

(GIGGLING)

(AIR HISSING)

Ready for lift off?

♪ Is there anybody out there? ♪

(CLACKING)

Woman: Spin the wheel!

Is there a P?

Is there a P?

Is there an F?

Is there an F?

Where are you?

All: 18, 36, 72.

Ali: The great mystery. Goddess. Chahina.

I'd like to solve the puzzle.

I'd like to solve the puzzle.

I'd like to solve the puzzle.

Do you know why Rita k*lled herself?

It's so sad.

Yes, it is.

I have a huge hole in my heart.

Of course you do.

Are you God?

Goddess.

Do you love me?

Forever.

Really?

Really.

Why is he lost?

I think you know, Ali.

Ali: Well, what do I do?

Doctor: What do you think you should do?

Ali: God.

Doctor: Goddess.

We'll be right back.

You're back.

Yes, I am.

You okay?

Yes.

I'm gonna let you hang out here for a few minutes. No rush.

Okay.

Wait, no, I'm sorry, I just...

So many things just became clear to me, and I just...

Can I say them out loud before I forget them?

Okay.

I just saw God.

Okay.

What... What'd he say? (CHUCKLES)

Uh, that she's a woman.

Uh-huh.

And she's black.

Uh-huh.

And she looked just like you, and told me everything is what it's supposed to be, and that it's gonna be okay, we're gonna be...

We're gonna be okay.

Mm.

And I can tell you're still not flossing.

Hi.

Hey, what's up?

(LAUGHS)

Hey, um...

What?

Wait.

Just...

What?

Can you just stop for a second?

Uh...

What?

There's just something I have to...

To talk to you about.

Okay.

Look, I'm totally healthy and... my viral load is undetectable, and there's really nothing to worry about, but I just have to tell you that I'm HIV positive.

I have to.

Just don't want you to find out later, and hate me or m*rder me or something.

I'm mean, we're... We're just kissing, I mean, you can't get it from kissing, right?

No, you can't get it from kissing.

Okay. Yeah.

Um, I'm not gonna... I'm not gonna...

I'm not gonna m*rder you. I'm not gonna hate you.

Um, it's cool.

So you okay?

Yeah.

I have some condoms in the car.

Um, are condoms, like, 100 percent?

They work?

Look, there's, uh... there's this pill called Prep, and it pretty much eliminates any chance of you getting it if you want to...

Um... pretty much?

Well, they're still researching it, so...

Okay. You have it here with you?

Uh, no, I don't have it here.

It doesn't work like that.

Okay.

It would be more like if you wanted to slow things down and figure out where this is going.

Maybe we could see a doctor when we get back.

Like, explore this more long term.

Long term?

(EXHALES)

It's just...

That's a lot of build up.

I mean...

Let's just go.

Are you mad?

Yeah, I'm mad.

At me? Why?

Why?

Yeah. I'm, like...

I've been totally cool with everything.

Yeah, you know, you deserve an award.

What a hero.

Okay, you just were about to f*ck me, and, like, probably not give me HIV. Okay?

I'm not allowed to ask some questions?

I'm not allowed to, like, pause, and, like, feel weird?

Why the f*ck did you bring me here?

What... I brought you here because it seemed fun.

Like, this is fun.

Fun?

Yeah, you seem fun.

Fun?

Like a sex worker good time fun, Josh?

No. Okay, well, now that you mention it, I did pay for all this.

f*ck you, Josh!

You needed a f*cking date to go tell your son his mother k*lled herself?

I see right through you, and I'm not your f*cking adventure!

I'm a person!

I'm not your f*cking adventure!

Grow up!

You f*cking child!

f*ck you!

Denver airport, please?

Hey.

I'm sorry.

I don't... I don't know what I'm doing.

♪ One golden light bleeding into the dark ♪
♪ Windows play movies out onto the yard ♪
♪ Pictures of people I don't even know ♪
♪ Living a life that I lived so long ago ♪

(INHALING)

♪ One golden light bleeding into the dark ♪
♪ Windows play movies that I know by heart ♪
♪ Who will carry you? ♪
♪ Who will carry you? ♪
♪ Who will be the one to? ♪
♪ Who will carry you? ♪
♪ Who will carry you? ♪

(LAUGHTER)