01x04 - Mistress

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Loosely Exactly Nicole". Aired: August 1, 2016 to February 2018.
"Loosely Exactly Nicole" is the vaguely autobiographical tale of Nicole, a foul-mouthed and impulsive aspiring actress on the margins of showbiz.
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01x04 - Mistress

Post by bunniefuu »

Nicole: I never get tired of watching that booty flippity-flop as you walk away.

If I paid for it, would you get my face tattooed on there?


Nicole: [laughs]

Ah, that booty, booty, booty.



Oh no, is your pee-pee hurt?

No, I b*rned myself on your hair squisher.

My tool hurt your tool.

[laughs] Hey.

If you're taking a dump, can you use the hall bathroom?

Why didn't you tell me?

I'm not ready for this!

Oh relax, I'm not pregnant.

Wait. Then whose is this?

It was a gift from Crackhead Kenneth.

I was sick last week.

He thought it was a thermometer, he found it in the dumpster.

Oh my God!


I'm saving that.

For what?

Lots of things.

You bring that into work, and everyone is so excited for you.

You come in three months later, very sad, crying, saying, "I don't wanna talk about it."

You get the rest of the week off and free cupcakes.

That's not just a pregnancy test.

That's a g*dd*mn golden ticket.

But someone peed on it.

Here. Gimme, gimme.

Just give it to me. [sighs]

It's a small price to pay.

♪ La, la, la, la, la, la, la ♪♪

Nicole: Hey, you wanna go to one of those Korean day spas?

Devin said he found this really great one last week.

And he says he hooked up with this guy, but like I don't believe him.

Aren't those things like 20 bucks?

Yeah, but you get to stay for the whole day.

Yeah, but... 20 bucks.

I mean, if... if you're paying, you know?

Just go home.

Excuse me, Raymond?

Thank you for helping me get these invoices in.

It's no problem.

No, it's not officially part of your job.

I really appreciate it.

Okay. Then I guess you owe me.


Uh, you... you wanna... go out for a drink?

You're paying, right?

Yeah, sure.

'Cause you make more money than me.

And also, it's a date?

Wh... yes.

♪ It's you and me in different ways ♪

Okay, so this concert opens, and they're throwing yellow lights on a ballad.

And I'm like, "No, you gotta go with blues and greens."

But everyone, they're just dancing, they're into it.

And I'm like, "Come on, does no one else see this?"

You know a lot about stage lighting.

Yeah, uh...

'cause I was in AV Club in high school.

Yeah, yeah.

I did all the lighting for the plays, the assemblies.

You impressed?



Our AV guys were gross.

They always smelled like barbeque chips.

Not me. I was the one cool AV guy in America.

[laughs] And I was the one popular theater girl with braces and lice.

Neon green rubber bands on those braces?

Uh, my brands were seasonal, thank you.

How long did you have braces?

Six years.

And then the second they took them off, this tooth popped out again.




So, who is this guy?


He's really cute.

He works in accounting.

He's a manager.

People like him.

He seems really fair.

I like his taste in shoes.

That's good.

Let me see a pic.

Oooh, yes, yes, yes, yes.

He's cute.

Most importantly, does he have a big one?

It's fine.

Is it?

It's a good size.

Mm, I think you're lying to yourself.

Okay, it's not one of those ones where you like... you know, he takes it out, and you're just like, "Uhh!"

I have never been like, "Uhh!," when I see a big, old penis.

A huge one?

A huge one, I'm always like, "Yes, Daddy! Yes!

Jesus has blessed me tonight!"


So, when's the next time you're gonna see him?


Nicole: Oh.

At the quarterly party.

Nicole: Oh.

Which you are also going to come to.


I need him to see that I have friends, so he doesn't think I'm like this weird loner lady.

I am so sorry.

I have so much business to do.

Open bar.

Yes, please.

♪ I'm just kicking cans ♪
♪ Kicking cans ♪
♪ Kicking cans, all right ♪

Wait a minute.

So the party's at your office?

It was either a fancy restaurant with no booze or here with an open bar.

It was a unanimous decision.

I'm gonna go to the bar.

No! Nicole, wait. Nicole!



Hey. Um.



Uh, yeah.


Is that like our secret handshake now?

[laughing] No, because I already forgot what we just did.

Veronica, Raymond... I got dessert first.

I'm nasty.


One cup of vodka, please.

Come on, buddy.

I'll have one of those, too.

Do you work here?

No, do you?

Oooh, Jake Vander.

What are you?

Like Employee of the Month or something?

Yeah, something like that.

Well, if you're connected, can you like do something about this music?

And the food?

I'll see what I can do.

You have until the bottom of this vodka.


All right, I like a challenge.



Pretty great spread, huh?

Yeah. Yeah, it's not bad.

So, how long have you and Veronica been banging?


I knew it.

No, no, no.

It's not... true. It's not.

Relax, I'm not trying to keep you two from getting it on.

I just need a declaration of relationship form.


A signed declaration of relationship form means the company's not liable for any... freaky shenanigans.

You know, harassments and whatnot.

Okay, um... I wanna follow the rules.

Get that on my desk, and you two can keep on keeping on.

But if someone finds out before I get the form, oooh, you could get fired, boo.


You're good.

You wanna dance?

Can I eat the burger while we're dancing?

Only if I can have these nuggets.



♪ 1 Imagine she came here to get away ♪
♪ Well she don't want nobody ♪
♪ Nobody to stay ♪

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

♪ She was up ♪

Both: [moaning]

I tell you, Gary, you gotta start moving those three-quarter-inch catheters.

And you gotta do it quick, because they start to yellow in the warehouse.

Not that matters, but...

b*at it, Gary, b*at it.

Come on, get out of here.

You're not gonna believe what I just did.

We all heard you making out.

I know, you were supposed to.

I'm fun at a party!

Ooh, I really like him.

Sweetie, he's married.

To his job?


To God?


To the sea?


To a monkey?

Are you done guessing the least likely things that he would be married to?


Oh boy, this isn't good.

You know he does this all the time, right?


Has affairs.

They won't even let him hire a female assistants anymore.

Oh, relax.

I'm just gonna let him take me on a very expensive dinner, and then we'll just go our separate ways.

That's actually a pretty good plan.

Where's he taking you?

Well, I suggested Red Lobster.

But then he was like, "I'll take you somewhere fancier than Red Lobster."

And I was like, "Ha, ha, impossible."

Ooh, cheddar biscuits.


Both: Yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yumm.


I know.

Where's Raymond taking you tonight?

He is actually cooking for me at my place.

Ooooh, he gonna pull that puddin'!

I hope so.

I hope he pulls my pudding.

You know, the first time was fine.

But it was kind of like that first pancake that you make before the skillet gets to be the right temperature.

It's a throwaway.

The second pancake, that's a good one.

Oh my God, look at us.

Two grown-ass women doing grown-ass women things.

Both: Yeees!

Hey, B-boy.



Uh, ballad, blue lights.

Yep, you get it.

Yeah, I'm pretty great.


Uh, uh, wow.

Uh, that was a nice welcome.

Uh, so I had an interesting conversation with Bernice.

Did she show you her FUPA tattoo?

No. No, she offered, but I politely said no.

Uh, so the problem, um... it's not really a problem, it's more of a concern.

Um... Bernice kinda guessed that we've been hooking up.

Yeah, no surprise.

I mean, we're the two best-looking people in the office.

I mean, Jasmine used to be kinda hot, but she's really let herself go.


Wait, are we in trouble?


No, we just have to fill out a declaration of relationship form.

You know, just your standard, run-of-the-mill DORF.


What is a DORF?

Well, it just protects the company against sexual harassment.

Just says we're in a consensual, um, thing.

It's for liability purposes.

You know, this is very unsexy, so... bye-bye.

Let's make some pancakes. Huh?

That's what I call sex.



This biscuit is pretty good.

On a scale of one to Red Lobster, it's an eight.

Actually amazed they made it for.

Well, I am very charming.

Yes, you are.

I'm glad you came out.

You know, a lot of women aren't comfortable with this kind of arrangement.

Oh boy.

Am I gonna have to pay for half?

No, no, no, no.

I mean in an arrangement between us.


A sexual arrangement?


And what are the details exactly?

Be very explicit with your words.

Well, twice a week, my wife thinks I'm out playing squash.

So, I'd like to spend that time with you.

So what do you think?

Oh, um, I don't know.

Is that a no?

It's... it's a maybe.

Okay. Well... if that maybe turns into a yes, meet me tomorrow at the Belmonta Hotel, Suite 301, in the Ventura t*wers at noon.



How to see ya there.

Excuse me.

I have enough money for another cheddar biscuit.

Uh, the gentleman's already ordered one for you.

Oooh, he's good.

HBO, panoramic views of Sherman Oaks, fitness room, two treadmills.

Oh, is he a Belmonta Rewards member?

'Cause if he is, you get two free bottles of water and a fresh baked cookie when you check in.

Oh, wait a minute.

Do you get to choose which cookie?

Nicole, are you seriously considering having an affair for the cookie?

First of all, he's having an affair.

Second of all, depends on what kind of cookie.

These things just always get so complicated and messy.

Oh, come on, let me just do it once.

And if I actually feel bad, and it's bad, I won't do it anymore.

And if I feel okay about it, then I'm just like, "Okay."

You just took a very complicated emotional situation and put it into words that I can understand.

I support you 100%.

Oh, thanks, Boo-boo.

And why is there no popcorn on the tables?

People eat at tables.

It's unbelievable.

I just don't want you to get hurt.

I'm not gonna hurt.

This is like the same thing as Derrick, except in more expensive locations.

This is exciting!


Weird how there are so many men who don't want to commit to you and just wanna have sex with you.

[giggles] I know, it's great, right?

That's me and Nicole's popcorn.

You are literally the rudest.

I'm leaving anyway.

Oh, no, bye.

And I'm taking this.

Devin: Oh.



Mr. Vander regrets to inform you that he will not be arriving until 6 p.m.

You are free to order whatever you like.

But, please, start your stay here with pleasure and enjoy das fruit and da wine for you.

You wanna take a peak?

Just for a second?

Thank you.

[phone buzzing]


Hey, Vander's late.

Get your ass to the hotel.

Devin: [panting]

Are you okay?

I'm ten minutes away!

I'm ten minutes away!

♪ I just wanna party ♪
♪ P-party, p-party hardy ♪
♪ I just wanna party ♪
♪ P-party, p-party hardy ♪
♪ Shake my hair, bite my lip ♪
♪ Shake my hair, bite my lip ♪
♪ Shake, shake, shake, shake, shake ♪
♪ The last call ♪
♪ Rumba, rumba, rumba, rumba ♪
♪ Tell the clerk we on our way ♪
♪ We [unintelligible] ♪
♪ And a bottle of some gonna make me say ♪
♪ I am in the building ♪
♪ I'm in the building ♪
♪ I'm in the building ♪

Nicole: [laughing]

Devin: [laughing]

If these walls could talk, what would they say?

Welcome home, Devin.

Stay as long as you'd like.

Oooh, yes, Queen, even I would bed that.

Get out!

Right away.

Nicole: Come on!

I'm going.

Come on, hurry up.

I am so glad you decided to come.

[giggles] Me, too.

Also, you're very cute.

And I am truly very excited to have hotel sex with you.

I hope you ordered room service.

I did not know that was real.

I thought it was only in movies.

[chuckles] You're funny.


There you are.

Oh my God, Erica.

Ah, help me, I'm making bad choices!

Relax, sweetie, I don't care what you're doing with my husband.

I just need him to sign this tax form.

Erica, I can explain.

I don't need an explanation.

I know you've been cheating on me for years, and I'm fine with it.

Sex with you is a chore.

Now, could you please sign this form before we get a penalty from the IRS?


Thank you.

Oh, before I forget, eat something before you come home.

I'm having Ethiopian food with Samantha.



She seems nice.

I'm a mistress!

Okay, the weird part about it is, I think I have feelings for him.

I didn't think that was gonna happen.


You're the first person in the history of affairs to catch feelings.

Oh, shut up!


So how did round two go with Raymond?

It was good, until it was over, and I had to think about signing that dumb contract.

Wait. Why were you thinking about work after sex?

It's not work.

It's this thing I have to sign for work if I want to keep working and having sex with Raymond.

Oooh, a DORF!

Oh, that's no big deal.

Who cares? Just sign it.

I sign everything people put in front of me.

We've only had sex twice, and now I have to sign this form that just commits me to him?

I can't make a decision like that after only two bones.

You know I'm a four-bone girl.

Yeah, you are.

And what if I sign it, and then we have some messy breakup?

Then do I have to sign another form?

And what if we have to split the office in half?

I know Bernice will be Team Veronica, but I can't get a read on anybody else.

Girl... you think too much.

Sometimes you need to just like jump in and see what happens.

Hey, Bernice, you got a second?

You got that DORF?

You got that one-way ticket to pound town?

About that, what happens if I don't sign it?

Oh, you do need to sign the form.

If you keep hitting the skins without it, baby boy could get fired.

Or he could end up in a big old lawsuit.


Wow, I always thought it would be Jasmine that would end up with the first DORF.


What's that?


Scented necklace?

Ooh, I've never seen one of those.

No, I'm just wearing perfume.

Come on.




Do a little twirl.

Where's Daddy Warbucks taking you tonight?

Le Pepe Muse.

Why does that sound so familiar?

Oh, because it was on "g*n Beach."

Steven would take LC there every time they had something serious to talk about.

Of course, of course.

Very elegant, but California casual.

[doorbell rings]


Hi, hi, hi.

So excited for dinner.

Bad news. No go on the restaurant tonight.


So... we'll just go straight to the hotel?

Actually, that's not gonna happen either.

Why not?

Well, wifey found out about our little arrangement, and she... you know, she's kinda tightening the purse strings.

No more fancy stuff.

But I like fancy stuff.

Well, you know that that was just a garnish, right?

But I'm so hungry.

Well, we can order in.

I guess that's like room service.


Let's, uh... let's go to your room.

Nicole: Okay.

Hey, Sport.

Is this happening?

Nicole: Mm-hmm.

Hey, hey!

Uh, I talked to Bernice.


How come you didn't sign the form?

God, I feel like I'm in a movie where everybody wants me sign the form.



So, you're not gonna sign it?


So what's different?

Do you not like me anymore? Or...

No, I do.

It's just, you know, once I sign it, we're kinda officially in a thing.

Yeah, yeah, kinda.

Start of a thing.

Once this officially starts, if it ends, you know, the whole office is gonna know.

It'll be really messy.

And I don't wanna have to quit.

I like this job.

What if it doesn't end?

Did you just propose to me?


No, I just wanna keep seeing you.

So, if I sign this, it is just for pancake purposes.

I really do like making pancakes with you.

Oh, it's not good when you say it.

I know. I regretted it instantly.

I did.

And if we break up?

Then we will handle it like adults.

Because that's what we are.

Two mature adults in an official sexual relationship.

Oh, a relationship?




I like that.

Oh yeah, get it, sister!

[tires squeal]


Tonight was great.

Erica never lets me order pizza.

Yeah, okay.

Actually, she never lets me do a lot of the stuff we just did.

Yeah, okay.

Oh, I gotta go.

We still on for Thursday?

Yeah, okay.

Man, this is... dope.

Am I saying that right?


Nicole: Bye.

[vibrator buzzing]

Oh, this is so much better.


Ugh, if you take away the restaurants and the hotels, it's just having sex with an old dude.

How old is he?


Ugh, I thought he was like 35.

Ugh! No, he's way old.

Well, you need to something.

On his way out, he came into the living room, he watched "Drag Race" with me for an hour.

Well, maybe...

A full hour!

Okay, I'm sorry.

Maybe if I act like I'm bad in bed, he'll break up with me.

We both know that won't happen.

Even my bad is good.


Uh, man, affairs are messy.

Veronica was right.

Don't you ever say that!

Don't your lips ever say that!

Okay, fine, how do I get out of this?

I think it's time we turn it up to 11.


Jake, I need to talk to you about something.

What? What is it?

You're not trying to end this, are you?

Far from it.

I want you to leave your wife for me.

[door slams]

I'm not a mistress!
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