01x01 - Episode 1

[bunniefuu]

man: The 1960s, American society is brought to the verge of revolution, and in the midst of this social turmoil is Sidney Muntzinger.

Just, you got to trim a little and take a little off the top.

You know, right here would be very good.

There's not too much on the top to begin with.

Yeah, no, I know, but you know, here, I tore a picture out of a magazine, and I thought, you know, if you could do this, just shape it like that.

That's James Dean.

Yeah, and if you could do that, you know, I'd like that kind of cut there.

I can't make you look like James Dean.

No, I know, I don't expect that, obviously, but, you know, come as close as you can.

I can work on your hair for ten years Sidney, you're never gonna look like James Dean.

I understand Dominic, I get it, but you know, give it your best sh*t, is all I'm asking.

Okay, all right, all right.

So I finished your last novel.

Mm-hmm, okay.

Finally, took all winter.

Why? It was just a novella.

It was not even 200 pages.

Well, I kept dozing off.

Well, you know, you know, you get up early, so those hours...

I thought I might have a sleep disorder, like narcolepsy, you know?

But my doctor said it was the book.

See when I read in bed, my eyes get tired unless I'm really gripped, or at least somewhat interested.

I really... Don't trim the ears.

Leave my ears full, same size as when I came in.

At least if I care about the characters, you know, even one of them.

Well, you know, literature is a very personal taste.

I wouldn't exactly call it literature, although I liked it better than your last one.

Sidney: Mm-hmm.

This one was at least coherent.

My last one was postmodern, so...

Yeah, it was totally incoherent, totally.

I wouldn't exactly call it incoherent, Dominic.

Oh, come on, it was like the ravings of a madman, a lunatic, or let's say a guy with limited intelligence.

Uh, yes, well...

I saw a lot of you in that character.

Yeah, can you just cut the hair?

So you're writing another?

Or did I read your publisher went bankrupt?

Um, I'm working on an idea for a television series now.

Ah, probably an easier medium for you.

But don't make the TV show incoherent.

No, I'm gonna do my best to keep it rational.

So, you know...

What's it about?

It's a family thing, you know.

Oh, I see, the usual dysfunctional family with the wise-cracking wife and kids and much-harassed husband kind of thing?

Uh...

Yeah? Yeah.

Good idea. You know what?

Stick with what works for other people.

Let 'em say cliché, what do you care?

You'll be humiliated all the way to the bank.

I didn't say cliché. It was...

Look, there's no stigma, you know?

Just because a TV series is considered lowbrow compared to a book, come on.

Yeah, well, it's, you know, very lucrative, and, uh, there's not a lot of money in novels, so...

No, not unless you're Salinger, which you're not.

Your wife still work?

Oh, yeah, she sees people up at the house, but limited, you know, not as much anymore.

How do you decide if someone's marriage goes bad, between a marriage counselor and a shrink?

Well, they're very different, you know.

Kay, Kay is a marriage counselor.

A shrink is a completely different thing.

I love the picture you showed me of your house, by the way. It was really beautiful.

I'm a very lucky guy, you know, when I think of it, I got a lovely wife. I got a great marriage.

I got great grandchildren. I, you know...

I just live... I don't know.

I'm blessed. I'm blessed.

Yeah, so was Job. Then one, two, three, God f*cked him over.

So tell me, Mr. and Mrs. Bellman, exactly what marital difficulties bring you here today?

We argue.

We don't argue about material things.

For instance, he wants to live in the city; I want to live in the country.

He doesn't want me to work; I want to work.

I love sports; she hates sports.

I love movies; she hates movies.

I love restaurants; she likes to eat at home.

He hates my cooking.

I can't stand his snoring.

I can't stand his terrible jokes.

I hate her laugh.

I hate that she loves to shop and runs up the bills.

I can't stand that he's frugal, a cheapskate, and yet an embarrassing over-tipper, plays the big sh*t.

She sleeps with the window open.

I need air-conditioning.

He refuses to travel. He isn't romantic.

He doesn't remember my birthday or anniversary.

She doesn't find me sexually appealing.

Uh, he can't stand my family.

She hates classical music and must have a dog, and I hate dogs.

So, um, are there any things that you agree on?

Neither one of us likes guacamole.

Okay, that's a beginning.

I mean, it's really obvious that the two of you love each other, and I think we can build on guacamole.

Kay?

I'm home.

Kay: Uh, in the office.

How do you like my haircut?

Oh, you got a haircut?

Yeah, you can't tell?

Who do I look like?

What do you mean?

What actor do I look like?

What actor do you look like?

Mm-hmm.

Um, let me think for a minute.

Franklin Pangborn.

Who?

Franklin Pangborn.

Who is Franklin Pangborn?

He seems sort of a mincing, effeminate little actor who plays a floor walker in movies, and he's just great.

He really is. He has only minor roles.

But he has a silly mustache, W. C. Fields makes fun of him in a lot of movies.

That's not what I had in mind, Kay.

Look, look more closely.

Elisha Cook Jr.?

Forget it. Forget it. Forget it.

What's new? Anything happen today or...

Uh, there was a m*ssacre of civilians in Vietnam.

There was a riot in a college in Michigan.

And in San Francisco, there was a bombing and a jailbreak by the Black Liberation...

Yeah, but did anything happen at home, any good news, anything interesting, or...

Yes, they fixed the television set.

Oh, great.

So right in time for the baseball season, terrific.

Yes, baseball all day long today.

Oh, the girls.

Who's that?

The girls, the girls are here.

Oh, God, not that silly book club.

Oh, it takes only an hour, and Jane and Doug are coming over and they're gonna bring steaks, and you can grill on your new barbecue and work it out.

Hello, hi. Come on in!

Hi.

Hello.

Hi.

Good to see you.

Hi. Hi, sweetie.

Hello. Hello.

Hello.

Hi.

Hi.

So...

Yeah.

He wakes up one morning, and he's turned into a giant cockroach.

I hate science fiction!

It's not science fiction. It's supposed to be symbolic.

Right? Or am I reading this wrong?

No, but the author has already left me behind, I mean...

What does the insect symbolize?

The insect obviously suffers from low self-esteem.

From guilt.

Could it be from original sin?

Um, have we ever considered the relationship of Kafka to his father?

Is he the one who kills his father and marries his mother?

God, listen to her. That's Hercules.

Oh, Jesus, this is a state-of-the-art machine, and I can't work it. It won't work.

Here, here, look at these steaks.

We got 'em shipped in from Nebraska.

You know, I think we're gonna get a storm.

Let's go in and make 'em in the stove.

Oh, God, why can every mental defective barbecue, and I can't get the barbecue to go?

I didn't even think you ate steak.

Yeah, I read an article in a magazine that said you can add years to your life if you avoid anything pleasurable.

Jesus, I can't get this thing to work, It just... no matter what I do, it doesn't work.

S. J. Muntzinger, he's a brilliant author, brilliant, but he can't change a fuse.

Is it true that you began as a writer for an advertising agency?

He wrote the commercials for Stillman's Orthopedic Ice Cream.

Yeah, they were trying to play down the sugar and fat content, so I came up with the idea that if they called it Orthopedic Ice Cream, it'd be a big seller.

I remember those!

Yeah!

Oh, for starters Allen and Ellie are gonna be having dinner with us tonight.

Who?

Allen, the boy who's staying with us.

Oh him, oh, well, I wouldn't call him a boy.

He's kind of a boy. I mean, he's young, and his parents are very good friends of ours, and he's taking his master's in business.

So, uh, they're very conservative, and NYU is way down in Greenwich Village, and they're afraid... they don't want him to meet any hippies or druggies, so...

Yeah, he's a very straight kid.

And they're coming down in about a month to meet Ellie, who... his fiancée, and she's a lovely girl, lovely girl.

Hey, tell 'em who introduced the two of 'em.

S. J. Muntzinger introduced them.

Yeah, I was downtown at art gallery and there's this pretty blonde there, and I'm talking to her, and she's educated and rich.

You know, I figured this is it for Allen.

She's a debutante. She came out.

That's all the parents had to hear, you know?

They think that he's marrying Grace Kelly.

Oh, that's so great.

So they fell in love?

Yeah, completely.

Oh, I bet they'll have a big wedding.

Oh it's so romantic when your kids fall in love.

You miss the kids not being home?

Oh, you should see our grandson.

He looks like Robert Redford, and he's brilliant.

Robert Redford.

You know who you look like with that haircut?

I just realized.

Who's that?

You know the actor Percy Helton?

Who?

Percy Helton.

Percy Helton, I see it.

Right?

Yeah, it's perfect!

You know, he always played a kind of cringing, squeaky-voiced little loser.

Let's go inside.

We'll cook the steaks inside, 'cause there's gonna be an electrical storm tonight, and this is not gonna ever work, and it's a catastrophe.

Oh, yes, there was turbulence in the stars.

You know, I did all of our horoscopes today, and it said that you and Kay were in for some kind of a shocking experience.

Oh, well.

So your parents haven't met hers yet?

Well, actually they've spoken to each other on the phone, and they hit it off well.

Oh, a wedding at The Plaza, it sounds so elegant.

What was the hotel that we got married in, in New Orleans?

The Scorpion.

The Scorpion.

Where will you honeymoon?

Um, Europe?

Mm-hmm.

Rome, Athens.

Oh, Doug and I are going on a cruise this fall.

Yeah, we're going to the Greek islands.

I know it's silly to ask if you want to come.

Well, um, Sid on a cruise...

Is the cruise on a boat?

(laughs) Definitely.

On water too.

It's a big boat.

I'm sure, and it doesn't rock, except as soon as you get on it, it rocks.

Um, let me say two words to you, if you're going on a cruise, two words: food poisoning, okay, inevitable.

And then you're out in the middle of the Atlantic, it's 12 midnight, your appendix bursts.

Well, they have helicopters.

They can take you right to a hospital.

You gonna go on a helicopter, with the little pin that holds the blades, the little tiny pin holds those blades?

And you want to be operated on in a hospital in some foreign...

You want open-heart surgery in the Cameroons?

Sid doesn't like to be any where but home and in his own little spot on the bed with a ball game playing on the television, and he likes his routine to be unruffled.

You know, I got to say I agree with him.

So what are you gonna do after you get your master's?

Allen's going to go into his father's business.

Oh, what's that?

Um, money management.

Oh, maybe I should talk to your father.

No, his father doesn't handle any client that doesn't have a million dollars.

A million dollars?

Sid: Yeah.

That's all right. I've got, uh, let me see.

It's like, you know, $50, $54, $54.

You guys have to... You got to excuse us.

We, uh, should get going.

Oh no!

We're going to see some great folk music downtown.

Oh, folk music, wow.

Yeah.

Yes.

Well, you're excused!

Thank you.

Thank you very much.

It was a pleasure to meet you.

You too.

Lovely to meet you.

So nice to meet you.

Congratulations!

Thank you.

There's dessert, right?

Well, so shall we go to the den and have coffee?

They make such a nice couple.

Doug: I know. Ha, to be young again.

Sid: Not me, I would not like to be young and get shipped off to Vietnam.

The news, the news.

Oh, no, don't depress me.

Oh, boy, did you ever think you'd see America like this?

So polarized, you know, these riots, uh, black versus white, uh, male versus female, young versus old?

man: These strikes will continue until the Vietnam w*r ends, and there is no end to this w*r in sight.

I hate this stupid w*r.

Oh, I know. You know, our friends' kids wanted us to go and demonstrate in Washington last week, but I don't know. I think I'm too old for that.

Well, I would have gone, but Sid...

Yeah, yeah, forget it!

You know, I'm allergic to tear gas.

Well, what about Allen the bridegroom?

I mean, isn't he worried about being drafted and sent over?

He's 4F. He's got a herniated thing.

Oh.

I was always 4F, proud of it.

I was psychologically unfit.

(laughs)

The draft board told him that.

No.

You know, I served proudly.

I, uh, have a Purple Heart.

I had a yellow streak.

man: The revolutionary group that calls themselves the Constitutional Liberation Army.

Riots broke out on half a dozen college campuses protesting the w*r and the present administration's policies.

(bright acoustic guitar music)

They're very nice people, Sidney and Kay.

Oh, yeah, well, Sidney, he's one of my father's oldest friends, and they get along great, unless the subject of Vietnam comes up of course.

Sidney's a liberal?

No, Kay is a liberal.

Sid, he's an ostrich, lives his life with his head in the sand, you know?

And, Dad, he's that classic Orange County type.

Oh, God, I love the idea of living in California.

I've got so many friends out there.

What are you thinking about?

I don't know. Sometimes I just feel this tremendous guilt over not getting drafted, you know?

I mean, do I really want to go into my father's business?

Just, so many of my friends, they're politically active, and, you know, we're living in these exciting times where things are constantly changing.

Maybe I should go into law school, do constitutional law, I don't know.

Law is fascinating.

And so many of my classmates, they're over in Vietnam, and they're serving and fighting, and some of 'em are dying, and for what?

Well, you can't think about that too much.

It'll drive you nuts.

Be thankful you have a herniated disk.

I guess.

I do love that you struggle with those thoughts.

Struggle's right.

It's enough to drive you crazy.

I love you.

We have to name one of our kids after Sidney, or S. J. Muntzinger, as he pretentiously writes under.

He did introduce us.

Yes, uh, maybe.

He's a great kid, you know?

And his parents should give me a medal for bringing the two of them together, because the girl is exactly what they always wanted for him.

She's bright. She's lovely.

She's educated.

She's cultivated, you know.

She's not one of those crazy, dope-smoking hippies.

Young love, it's so romantic.

I know. I know. It's sweet to see them.

Do you remember when you were trying to get me away from Henry Goodwin?

You k*lled yourself trying to get...

The fat, the fat, stuttering guy that had the crush on you, right?

Yeah, he proposed to me. He proposed to me.

But what happened to him? My God.

He won the Nobel Prize for Chemistry and then made a billion dollars over some drug he invented.

Oh, well, you're lucky you didn't wind up with him then, because, you know, you got me instead, so...

No, I do have you, and I'm very, very happy to have the man, the man who wrote commercials for the ad agency.

That's right. It may not be a Nobel Prize, but I did win something for my commercial for the Earl of Sussex Frozen Fishbowls.

Yeah.

Let's now forget that.

You know, I always thought that it would have been much better if they were smaller fishbowls, because then that way, not so many people would have choked on them.

Yes, that was a little problem for the company for a while that we did.

Uh, all I know is that I wound up finally with the right woman, the right wife.

Oh.

Could not be happier.

We, we are very, very lucky people.

Shall I say my prayers in the event that there's a God and I've been wrong all these years?

Do you think we should've...

Do you think we should've gone to Washington to demonstrate?

Right, get some sleep.

God bless the Muntzinger household.

Yes, if you're listening, that goes double for me.

And if you happen to think of any new tax loopholes my accountant hasn't thought of, just slip it into my dream tonight.

Good night, honey. Sweet dreams.

Ah, good night, good night.

Hey, you know, you know who came up, whose name today when I was...

Ugh, so tired.

You know who my barber mentioned today in conjunction with me?

Job. Can you believe that?

Well, good night, honey.

Oh, good night, good night.

Jesus, oh, my God.

What? What happened?

I forgot to turn the alarm on.

How could you forget to turn the alarm on?

You've turned it on every night since we moved in here 26 years ago.

I know, but, you know, better safe than sorry.

Oh, don't, don't be paranoid.

Really, just relax.

God, I'm...

I'm not paranoid, but I'm so tired, I don't believe any... (mumbling indistinctly)

Honey, honey, don't be an old lady.

Lie back down again.

You're gonna survive one night without a burglar alarm.

Oh, geez.

I wish I hadn't read "In Cold Blood".

You know, they cut Mr. Clutter's throat.

Okay. All right.

Go downstairs and turn the burglar alarm on, because we're not gonna get any sleep until you do.

I'm not gonna do it.

Go ahead.

No, my shrink thinks I'm paranoid, so I'm just...

I'm too tired.

That's fine.

Did you hear that?

Did you hear that?

What?

Why are you waking me?

I thought I heard something.

No, it's nothing.

It's nothing. Leave me alone.

Go to sleep.

Believe me, there's nothin' doin'.