01x03 - Episode 3

[bunniefuu]

Hi. Who are you?

I'm a friend of Kay's. Who... who are you?

I'm Allen Brockman. It's so nice to meet you.

I... You took me by surprise' cause I didn't think they were having a guest today.

Yeah, I dropped in unexpectedly.

Well, that's nice. And you are...

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God, wait a minute, you're...

I know you.

I know you... You're from...

Who are... You're that girl.

You're the girl from the papers, from the papers.

I've seen you before, from the papers.

They're chasing you.

You're wanted.

Look, keep it down.

Nobody's gonna get hurt, okay?

Look, I got to say... Jesus, you're even prettier in person.

It's amazing. Your photographs, they don't even come close to doing you justice.

You're beautiful.

Wow, God, it's Lenny Dale.

You said she'd be out of here by now.

Well, she's not, and the police have traced her to New York, and she's hot as a p*stol.

She can't leave until the coast is clear.

Kay, we're gonna wind up in prison.

You know, and I'm the type that gets sodomized.

I'm fair skinned and, you know, rather shapely.

Yes, you are, but we're safe now, we are.

If the cops come, I got a rap sheet.

You got a what?

Remember when we were in Beverly Hills?

I was arrested for jay walking.

They... they threw me up against the car, they frisked me.

I only got out on a plea deal.

Listen, I can't turn her out.

I just can't turn her out.

Have you seen how much this woman eats?

I mean, do all revolutionaries eat so much?

Did Lenin eat so much?

She's been starving, starving.

She... she ate... First of all...

First of all, my Fig Newtons, she finished.

The chicken is gone.

I mean, you know, what... what's going on here?

She never stops.

Will you forget about the chicken and the Fig Newtons?

You'll live without the Fig Newtons.

We've got bigger fish to fry.

Yeah, she also ate all the fish.

You know, I bought sturgeon.

Don't you have any pity at all for her?

I have no pity.

Sturgeon is, you know how much sturgeon costs a pound?

Oh, you're still in the kitchen.

Yup.

I met Allen.

Did you?

I gave him marijuana.

Oh, great, that's great.

Can you believe that he's never tried it?

What a sheltered life.

dr*gs, what does he need dr*gs for?

Not dr*gs, grass, and don't worry, he's in his room trying it.

I told him not to smoke it here or you'd have a cerebral hemorrhage.

Hey, um, uh...

Are you gonna eat that last piece of sturgeon?

Why, do you want it?

Yeah, I... I have a little tradition here, Friday mornings.

Sure. It's all yours.

You plutocrats are lost without your high end luxuries.

Hey, don't give me the plutocrats routine, okay?

I came from a poor family in Brooklyn.

My father was a baker.

I used to... we had no money at all, you know?

I would... I would sneak into his shop after hours and suck the jelly out of the jelly donuts.

That was my dessert.

You sound like Nixon.

Yeah, well, I... I'm the guy that had to earn the money for the family.

I originally I wanted to be Chekhov or Salinger is who I really wanted to be, Salinger.

But I had to support everybody so I got a job on Madison Avenue writing commercials.

Oh, yeah, so you could sell people products that they don't really want or need with false claims.

No, never false.

Never, never false claims, you know?

Although I did have to use some ingenuity to persuade people to buy a musical toilet seat.

It's a disgraceful way to make money.

Well, you know, it's not robbing a bank like you do.

You know, I... I... I had a... a... a novel, my first novel was on the best seller list.

In what paper, the poultry man's journal?

Hey, don't give me that.

I'm sure you've never read it, of course.

It was called "Let There Be Light".

It was about a proctologist who finds God in the strangest places.

Hack claptrap.

Yeah, well, I still get plenty of royalties from it.

Of course, so you can buy all the stupid products that a capitalistic society has to offer its moron customers.

Possessions, possessions, status, you know just anything to create an illusion of happiness in life.

What the hell are you talking about?

You know, you rant and you... you babble.

What... what... what... what are you discussing here?

Like that.

What... This is my waffle iron.

You're politically against my waffle iron?

And this?

That's a blender.

Yes, I have appliances.

And what the hell is this?

It's a hot fudge machine.

Do you understand that... that people are starving?

For hot fudge?

No, you boob.

Families can't feed their children the essentials of life.

Here in America, do you know the malnutrition rate?

And while kids are starving, you stand here and d*ck around with waffles and hot fudge.

Yeah, and you make bombs.

And it's not that you're stupid, which you are, it's just that you're like millions of other passive Americans.

You're a mindless, cowardly follower.

A stooge with herd mentality.

Out, get out.

I want you out.

I want you out of my house.

I know.

No, no.

Nevertheless, I have to stay here for a while.

I'm... You have to stay?

You have to stay?

I'm the master of this house and...

Oh, God, give it a rest.

Kay makes the rules around here and she understands my problem.

All right, I'm setting up your room.

Now, what do you like to sleep on, foam rubber or feathers?

What are you nuts? Don't set a room up for her.

Have you no conscience?

Didn't your parents ever teach you that social injustice is wrong?

That everything that you believe is America the beautiful is just a fantasy?

That it's not the place that it purports itself to be?

But it can be, if everything's just scrapped and we start over.

My parents taught me how to make ice cream sodas without soda water using Alka Seltzer.

Look, I'm gonna leave the country soon.

I just, I need a little bit of time.

I... I can't be a law breaker, I can't.

I'm sure you cheat on your income tax.

I never cheat.

I just don't declare everything.

Allen: Wow, I feel so relaxed.

Just good and loose and nice.

And... Lenny, I have to thank you.

I feel so good, like I'm surfing in Acapulco Bay.

Just mellow.

Hey, you hear that, Kay? He's surfing.

She... she... she gave him a cigarette.

Mellow is for cheese.

Listen, Allen, Lenny's gonna be staying with us for a while but you're... you're not to tell anybody 'cause it's top secret.

Okay, my lips are sealed, you know?

This woman, she's a gift from God.

Oh, you read Job too.

I got to confess something though.

I was a little awash in guilt on meeting this creature.

Guilt, why?

Because I've always had this crush on her and then you meet her and even sexier in person, you know?

Would you two guys want to be alone?

I could open a bottle of wine.

Look how well they get along.

I would never have guessed it.

I introduced him to his fiancée.

What a beautiful revolutionary.

It's just a mellow combination.

Well, this corrupt system needs to be changed.

I mean, by any means necessary.

Yeah, here, here. I agree with her.

See, I see where she's coming from.

The Constitutional Liberation Army, the Black Panthers.

They want action.

Not rhetoric.

No, and they're willing to go to jail for what they believe in.

So, am I not gonna stay in that same room I was in last night?

No, that's my office and it's on the first floor which is not a good idea.

I'm gonna put you on the second floor in the guest room as soon as Sid clears out the cartons.

No, no, no.

This is not... I invoke the Napoleonic code.

You will not stay here.

Sid, stop ranting.

It's just treason, Kay.

It's worse than treason.

It's barratry, it's barratry.

It's arson at high sea.

I'll get your room ready. Come on, Sid.

No, Kay, this is arson at high sea.

Thanks for sticking up for me or... or are you just high?

Yeah. (laughing)

But I feel... I feel good, you know?

I feel good and I do believe America needs radical change.

And how do you think those goals are gonna be achieved, by writing irate letters to the New York Times?

Well, there's such a thing as passive resistance.

You can't make an omelet without breaking eggs.

I know, I get it. Life is a choice.

Yeah, but real change comes at the barrel of a g*n.

It also comes in the voting booth.

What? I donate.

Okay, you're thinking all easy no risky stuff right?

Yeah, talk talk talk while people die.

Allen: Okay, fine.

Talk is cheap, talk is cheap.

So what do you do?

Will you let me explain?

Oh, God, why are you getting defensive already?

Do you manufacture arms or something?

I come from a banking family.

It's a long tradition I was born into.

It doesn't bother you that this... this country is run by corporate oligarchy?

Allen: I'm not saying I agree with everything my father says.

That very few people control the wealth.

Look, life isn't fair.

Do they have any dessert?

If Washington and Jefferson just voted and donated you wouldn't even be here.

I mean, don't you think I'd like to do what you do?

Something that would make a difference in the real world?

It's just I'm not sure the only way to achieve that is with the barrel of a g*n.

v*olence is the sire of all the world's values.

Do you know who wrote that?

Robinson Jeffers, he's one of my favorite poets.

Next time you go down to the city, I'm gonna give you a list of books to read.

You can get some for Kay, too. I know she likes to read.

Yeah, that's a great idea.

She has that book club, so... I don't think they really do political stuff though. It's mostly novels.

Fiction is just fairy tales.

Jeez.

How did you get radicalized?

Actually it was a guy that I fell in love with at college.

There were actually two guys I fell in love with at Berkeley.

A Jew and a Black.

That's a lethal combination.

Abe Cohen.

He was a radical Marxist.

And then there was Elton Crawford.

He used to write the most beautiful sonnets about blowing up the White House and poisoning the reservoirs.

I used to sleep with the Black in an effort to kind of absorb some of his political rage and then the Jew to help me get some of that anxiety and guilt over being middle class.

Sexual intercourse can be very enlightening.

Yeah, I had a shrink at the time who was a strict Freudian.

He never talked, never moved.

You know, I came in one day and laid on the couch.

I guess three minutes into it, he had a quiet heart att*ck and d*ed.

I had no idea, I kept talking for 55 minutes.

I really think it's probably my most productive session, actually.

You know, I had a shrink too.

Why?

I have impulsivity problems.

The shrink thought it was from having two strict hovering parents.

But, you know, I love them though.

Why am I telling you this? I just...

Look, I just mean that I believe in shrinks, that's all.

Incidentally, do you have any more of that grass?

I'm upset, Kay. I've got to call into my lawyer.

Oh, you don't you dare tell your lawyer.

Please don't leak this.

She's here for a few weeks and then she'll go unless you just spoil everything with your nervousness.

Yeah, but she's bound to be caught and then she's gonna implicate us.

Oh, she's gonna implicate us.

You know that? She'll never talk.

She'll talk. They'll get, they know how to get it out.

They'll b*at it out of her with nightsticks.

They don't use... It's in the movies they do that.

In real life, they use rubber hoses.

Jesus, they won't have to use anything.

You know, she talks in her sleep.

They'll bug her cell and she'll say, "Thank you, Kay and Sidney Muntzinger, for helping me betray my nation."

I'm so nervous.

Hello?

No, no, not necessary to send anybody over.

I hit the wrong button on the alarm.

We don't need a repairman.

No, no. No, no, no.

But... but thank you for the concern.

No, everything's fine.

Yes, God bless, God bless you.

Hang up.

God bless your children.

You're crazy.

What are you doing?

For God sakes, what are you fussing so much over the room?

It's not a hotel.

I'm surprised you don't put, you know, two little mints down on her bed.

Will you go to work?

Just go... just go pitch your... your TV show.

Come on.

Sidney: Basically it's... it's a kooky family and, you know, it's a father, mother, and a son and two daughters.

And, you know, one of the daughters is very beautiful.

The other one is, you know, let's say on the plump side.

You know, 'cause that way we can get in a certain amount of fat jokes.

Not... not cruel jokes, but you know there's a rich vein of humor to be mined with... with the overweight jokes and, uh, and I'll give you what the basic idea here is.

It's that they don't really live in a beautiful house.

They live in caves. They're Neanderthals.

We go back a million years and there's fires in the cave and they have loincloths and clubs and they have a pet tyrannosaurus, and...

Don't we have a meeting at noon?

Well, let me tell you the plot. Let me tell you...

The plot is that the son is kind of sensitive and he wants to draw.

He draws, he draws bisons on the wall and other, you know, but basically bisons.

I think mostly that's what they draw on the wall and he's in love with a girl from another cave and she's evolved higher.

She's not a Neanderthal, she's... now I don't know what the hell they were, Cro-magnums or something.

Cro-magnons, I can never follow it, but she's higher.

So you can see the comic possibilities.

I mean, Mel here is great at jokes, absolutely fabulous at jokes, and I'm very good at texture and the comic possibilities are myriad.

Mel: Thank you.

Oh, and you know what, I'll have a... a cup of coffee.

Thanks.

How, how, how do you think it went?

I think you told it well.

But you know I sensed, I don't know, maybe they were looking for something more contemporary.

I don't know.

How's everything at home by the way?

What do you mean how's everything at home?

It's fine, absolutely fine.

Why would you ask that?

Okay, what you get so jumpy about?

I'm not jumpy.

I'm, you know, I'm not jumpy.

I just asked how everything was at home 'cause I know you have a house guest.

She'll be out quickly.

Oh, she? Oh, I thought it was a guy.

It is a guy.

It's, it's, what do... It's a guy.

Okay, all right, well, you said "she."

Okay, but it's a guy.

His name is Allen. It's, it's a, you know...

Hey, you want to meet him?

I can let you meet him if you want.

Okay, he's a male, I got it.

Can we change the subject?

Look, I know you're a little nervous today but you know, you should just relax.

You know, I mean, look, you made the presentation.

There's nothing you can do. It's up to the network guys.

Please, everything is completely normal at home.

Okay, you just said you want to change the subject.

So bring up a topic.

Okay, how 'bout those guys who sh*t their way out of jail?

Huh, you hear about that? That revolutionary group?

You following that manhunt?

(groaning quietly)

One of them's a girl.

You see that? Good-looking chick, but apparently hard as nails.

I hear she comes from a decent home, you know?

But, uh, yeah, that's the papers said.

But you know what it is?

These people, they look around and they don't like the w*r.

You know, the way the poor people, the negroes, are getting shafted and all of a sudden they decide they want to change the government.

They want, you know, like a whole revolution.

Yes, but what... they... have to work within the system.

That's the way to do it.

'Cause otherwise, I was telling Lenny, it's chaos.

Who's Lenny?

Lenny, Lenny is, you, Lenny is Lenny Lipshitz, my tailor.

We discuss politics and... and I'm explaining to him that the founding fathers have given us a way to amend the constitution.

You're right, can't have chaos.

You know, if I ever ran into somebody like that, I would sit her down and give her a good talking to.

I hear there's a reward out for the woman.

There's like some big reward 'cause, you know, she become a symbol now.

She's definitely a symbol.

There's no question that she's a symbol.

What, what... what is she a symbol of?

Come on, she's white, she's middle class, female, she's militant, uncompromising, known to be violent.

She's a radical.

Exactly. I got a thing about kids like her.

Why did they call it clam chowder?

There's, I don't see a single clam in your clam chowder.

This is false advertising.

You know, my theory is she’s just a punk, you know?

People like that, she grows up with all this personal baggage, you know?

You know, family gripes, hurt by one parent or the other, trouble with siblings, boyfriends, all this psychological garbage, you know?

This anger builds up inside and she's got to give it some kind of stupid noble justification.

End the w*r, help the poor, Black Panthers.

Why don't we just rage against the government?

You know, it's a rationale so she can express her own personal rage and give it some kind of patina of some kind of political do gooding.

But there are no clams in your clam chowder.

Does that bother you?

Did you listen to what I’m saying?

Do you hear? Hello?

Yes, I understand what you're saying.

You're saying that she’s... makes an omelet and she's willing to break eggs to do it.

What does that have to do anything?

(laughs)

It's a saying.

You can't make an omelet without breaking eggs, or legs, legs, legs or eggs.

Eggs, not legs, eggs. Eggs, okay, eggs.

'Cause I broke a leg making an omelet.

I was making a mushroom omelet in the kitchen, I slipped on some chicken fat on the floor, I broke a leg.

I mean, do you think it’s right for these kids to burn the American flag?

No, I think that’s terrible and, and what's really terrible is sh**ting a cop.

I, I don't know why I’m speaking so loud.

You're right in front of me.

Well, it's infuriating. These kids get drafted and right away, they got to take off to Canada.

Hey, do you know how cold it is in Canada?

Do you know how freezing it is in Canada?

When you got drafted, come on, did you try to get out of it?

I never would go near Canada.

I've never, never been to Canada.

Yeah, well, when I got drafted, I went and I did my time and I served.

I did what I was supposed to do for this country.

I went to the draft board and I threw up.

Really?

That was the sight of all those naked men.

I couldn't stop vomiting.

You know, well, naked, you know, naked men do it.

Not just the men. I mean if I go to Chinatown and they hang those ducks in the window, you know, they're naked, and I get sick.

Anything like that.

I mean my wife, I can tolerate.

There's no doubt they’re gonna catch this crazy broad.

They've got every cop in America looking for her.

You know, they got ways of tracking these people.

The paper said they think she might even be right here in New York.

Really?

Do they give an address?

They speculate she’s got contacts in the area.

FBI is checking everybody in her past.

(quiet groaning)

Well, yeah. She's...

This kid deserves to go to jail.

Oh, yeah, oh, yeah.

What do you keep looking at?

Do you see those guys?

Do you think that they’re checking us out?

No.

Do they look like agents to you?

One of them looks like a guy from William Morris.

I don't mean show business agents.

I mean federal agents.

FBI?

No, but so what if they are?

What do you mean so what?

Do you think that we should be under surveillance?

You know what, they don’t look like FBI agents and if they are, what do we care? We didn't do anything.

Can you just check the napkin thing there for a microphone?

For a microphone? You're kidding me. What, what are you nuts?

You're kidding me. What, what are you nuts?

No, just check it.

They put the microphones, they can plant them anywhere.

Check, check the napkin.

Give it just a quick check. What's the big...

I'm eating, I'm not checking out...

What do... What are you crazy?

Is, is, is, is that a blintz?

It's a taco.

Can I look in it?

You want to look inside my taco?

Yeah, can I?

Hey, hey, put down my...

They have wireless microphones and they can put them any place.

I just want to...

Miss, can I get a check quickly?

We got to get out of here.

(stammering)

Yeah, let me have this.

I'm still eating.

No, no, no, but don't, don't talk into the taco.

Here, here, miss, this is for you.

Whatever. Thanks for everything.

We have to go.

Okay.

We have to go. Let's go.

Thank you.

That's $60.

That's all right, it's all right.

It was good service.

Thank you.

Come, come, quickly.

Sid...

Thank you.

I've been working on this list for you.

It's some political books I think you should check out.

You'll really like 'em.

Hmm.

(laughs) Who's Chairman Mayo?

You say it Mao.

Mao. Mao, Mao.

You should have the ladies in your reading group read these.

They'll find these writers very interesting.

Oh, thanks.