01x06 - Episode 6

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Crisis in Six Scenes". Aired: September 2016.
"Crisis in Six Scenes" takes place in the 1960s during turbulent times in the United States and a middle class suburban family is visited by a guest who turns their household completely upside down.
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01x06 - Episode 6

Post by bunniefuu »

Sidney: Allen, are you okay?

Yeah, I'm fine.

Geez, I've been waiting for you.

I'm so sorry, guys.

Oh, I'm so glad you weren't k*lled.

And it's not your fault the b*mb went off.

It was your first b*mb.

Yes, Kay, there's clients waiting for you here.

You took forever at the hospital.

They're, they're, they're piling up.

Oh, you're back.

We've settled everything. We're getting a divorce.

Oh, can you just give me a moment?

We've decided to have one last session with you, and if we can't resolve it, it's over.


Well, um, um...

Could we just go into the office and talk about this?

Oh, there you are.

We had a 10:00 appointment, remember?

You said you'd fit us in.

It's an emergency.

So sorry.

Lorna left me.

Oh, no.

Yeah, she, she walked out, left a note and, and I'm so upset!

Well, we're gonna break up too unless there's a major change.

But my wife already did. I'm gonna k*ll myself.

That's, come on, it's a lot of pain now but you don't k*ll yourself.

No, if she's gone for good, I'm gonna k*ll myself.

She wants to be a professional hooker.

She wants to be a hooker?

Wow, I wish I was so lucky.

Oh, thank you very much.

Kay: Let's have a group session, come on.

(doorbell rings)

Have you guys met?

No, not at all.

(indistinct chatter)

Oh, my gosh.

We came as soon as we heard. How are you?

Okay, you were probably right behind my wife in the car.

Oh, goodness.

I'm so sorry.

Allen: Hi, Mom, I'm fine, I'm fine.

Your mother and I were worried sick.

He's fine. Kay? Come on out here.

There's not a scratch on the kid.

You call this fine?

Well, you know he's, he's not d*ad.

Well, how did it happen?

It's obvious, a... a gas leak.

In his bedroom?

No, no, in the garage.

We have methane and we're built on a swamp here, so...

And the house explodes?

No, no, the house occasionally explodes.

This time it was the garage.

You get used to it if you're...

We haven't seen you in so long.

So sorry.

We were hoping we'd find you under better circumstances.

Oh, no, he's okay.

We're so grateful that you introduced them.

Can we get back to our problems?

He's called the lawyer now.

Wait, Lorna got a lawyer too.

Hey, Bernstein, that shyster!

He's always on TV. No...

Listen, it's my fault.

It's my fault you pay your wife for sex, my fault.

Now, now...

You pay your wife for sex?

Listen, I'm gonna take poison.

No, you're not.


Let's go in and talk this through.

We can work this out. We can work it out.

Allen: Mom, Dad, I'm gonna be perfectly honest with you.

It wasn't gas, it was a b*mb.

What was a b*mb?

It was a b*mb.

I was trying to make a b*mb. I screwed it up.

You were building a b*mb?


Why? I think I missed a b*at here.

I was making a b*mb and it, I don't know, the g*n, it went off.

Why were you making a b*mb?

To blow up something.


The statue of Andrew Jackson by the armory.


Well, what do you have against Andrew Jackson?

He was a sl*ve owner.

This was 150 years ago when everybody had slaves.

George Washington had slaves then.

The guy was a military man, and this was meant to be a protest against the w*r, against Vietnam, against all wars.

Since when are you a pacifist?

There are no slaves anymore.


I think what Allen is implying is that there are wage slaves.

Meaning what?

Meaning that your firm, it pays its employees the minimum, just enough to get by and remain a permanent underclass.

Are you accusing me of exploitation?

Are you ever coming in here?

My wife is walking up and down Eighth Avenue in shorts!

I asked you a question.

Do you think I exploit my workers?

If the shoe fits, wear it.

You know, I say that with love.

Oh, she says that, if the shoe fits wear, it's her expression.

Who? Not Ellie, not your fiancée.

And where is she by the way?

We want to meet her.

I'm not so sure Ellie is going to be my fiancée.

What are you talking about?

We put a deposit on the hall.

We hired an orchestra, caterers, we sent out invitations.

Don't take this personally, but we really do take advantage of our workers but we don't, we don't know it because we live a capitalistic existence.

I earned every dime.

I started poor.

I worked from 14 on.

Okay, okay, let's not hear about how you were delivering heavy packages down on Wall Street and some broker gave you a hot stock tip.

Can I help it if it's true?

"Buy California Fiber" she whispered to an associate.

I was within earshot, I borrowed $300.

You stole $500.

Borrowed, stole, everyone got paid back!

You always idolized military might.

I fought at Guadalcanal.

I'm proud to say I've got a Purple Heart.

You know that reminds me.

My blood work comes back today.

Yeah, you got a Purple Heart for being wounded while you were trying to k*ll other young men.

Young men with a different color skin than yours.

With yellow skin, and you called them Japs and Nips and meanwhile, we're dropping an atomic b*mb on their country while innocent Japanese-Americans here at home are being thrown into concentration camps and their land is being confiscated and stolen.

If I had my life to live over, I would live a more committed life.

I would have a more, a more passionate existence.

It's not passionate enough?

The passion's gone out of our marriage too.

But not for me.

Listen, I love Lorna.

I even get along with her pimp. Okay? So I...

Now has the passion gone out of our marriage?

At least I don't charge you to screw me.

Get them out of here.

Meanwhile you were nearly k*lled!

Well, you know, there's no statute of limitations on injustice.

Listen, I love Lorna.

No, no, I need help now.

(doorbell rings)

I'm suicidal. Why does no one care?

I do care.

No, you don't care.

Look, I do care. I care very much.

Let's go in, we'll have our session, and we'll talk about it okay?

We had an appointment.

I'm waiting for you here.

I'm waiting for you here.

We're the ones who had an appointment.

I'm going to go in with you, and then we'll have a session.

(doorbell rings)

Just a second.

Oh, my God.


Kay: Let me reschedule you. Hello.

I didn't expect you. Is this Thursday?

Hi, it is.

I don't even know my own name.

Come on in.

In we go.

This is the Brachmanns.

Brachmanns, this is my, my, my book club.

How do you do?

Oh, we, we, we finished the book about Karl Marx and we also finished the little pamphlet about guerrilla warfare.

And Lucy has become an expert on hand-to-hand combat.

And I learned how to take apart and reassemble an AK-47 blindfolded!

She did!

Yeah, isn't that wonderful?

My, my husband was so impressed.

We found a guy who smuggles them in from Russia.

I read all about how to k*ll a person with an ice pick without leaving a mark!

What is that vein, Rose?


Right, you stick the ice pick in the jugular.

Well, what kind of book club is this?


Chairman Mao says "An unarmed person "is like a sheep in a forest of wolves."

Chairman Mao, you're quoting Mao?

You know, Mao, he also said that "The laws of a nation are written in the street."

Karl Marx's biography was exhilarating.

I love what he said about the United States.

"We're gonna spend ourselves into destruction."

You know that was actually Lenin.

Oh, I always confuse the two.

Which, which one had the beard, Marx or Lenin?



And the little beard.

Let's go into the dining room, into the dining room, and then we'll have our meeting in there.


Nice to meet you, very nice.

(doorbell rings)


Oh, Ellie.

Hi. Oh, these are my parents.

Oh, Judy, yes, Judy. You must be Lou.

I'm Lou. Yes.

Oh, good.

Allen, look who's here!

Oh, my goodness, how are you?

Oh my God!

What happened to you?

I'm fine, I'm fine.

Look, they took me to the...

Nice to finally meet you.

Ellie, Ellie, Ellie, these are my parents.

Hello, hi, hi, I'm Ellie.

Yes, yes.

Oh, she's as beautiful as you said she was.

That's very sweet of you.

Hi, I'm Allen's mother.

This is his dad. You can call me Mom.

And me Dad.

We, we heard about the gas leak.

No, no, there was no gas leak.

It was a b*mb.

A b*mb?


Who b*mb you?

One of those crazy underground radical idiots, right?

No, he's joking.

Can I offer anyone an aperitif?

I'm your host. How are you?

How do you do?

How do you do?

Hello, nice to meet you.

This is a fun group, I hope.

Yes, yes.



I could use a scotch.

And, oh, and who are you?

My wife left me.

We got into a major fight because I wouldn't pay her enough to go to bed with me and now she's on the West Side stopping cars.

I'm, I need help now!


I, yeah.

This is my patient.

No, I'm not your patient.

I'm a client and I'm not your patient.

Are you never coming back in?

The more we wait, the more we disagree.

Let's get this over with.

I hope you all brought some paper and pens 'cause Rose is teaching us how to forge passports.

Why do you need to learn how to forge passports?

What on earth for?

Are you the girl's mother?

I am. How do you do? Judy. And you are?

Rita Needleman.

But you can call me by my new name, Rita Mohammed.

Girls, come on in, girls!

Girls, come and meet all these people.
(indistinct chatter)

Hi, hi, hi.


woman: I don't think my passport came out very well.

All right, look, everybody, look, once and for all, there was never a gas leak.

I was making a b*mb and it blew up in my face.

I'm sorry, did you just say you were making a b*mb?

Yes, I was making a b*mb.

I was making a b*mb to strike a blow for civil rights and make an anti-w*r statement in one gesture.

Eve, our son is having a mental breakdown.

I saw it coming on.

I think we need to reassess.

(indistinct chatter)

Excuse me.

You were making a b*mb?

Is this, uh, some sort of club?

The first thing to do in setting up a new government is to take control of the press and the radio and TV stations.


That's right.

Naturally, for a short period of time temporarily there will be suspension of civil liberties.

Actually, I, um, uh, I, I have an announcement to make too.

I'm pregnant.



Allen: I don't understand. You're pregnant?

I'm pregnant.

Judy: I think I'm gonna pass out.

How did that happen?

The usual way.

I mean I hope the b*mb didn't affect your memory.

Allen: You're pregnant.

Chairman Mao say "Death's certain, life unpredictable."

He got that from Charlie Chan.

Congratulations, Allen.

Thank you, it's, but, wait, I mean...

No it's okay. It's, it's okay.

If, if you want to go to Cuba and work for Fidel's revolution I'll come with you.

We can raise the baby there.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

What are you talking about?

You would raise our grandson as a communist?

These are all just labels, aren't they?

I mean we are all just human beings.

I don't believe in abortion.

Who said anything about abortion?

My grandson will never be a commie.

Well, we all know how you feel. Better d*ad than red.

Don't you think this calls for champagne?

God, you're pregnant.

I think some champagne would be nice.

(doorbell rings)


I'm expecting the Mormon Tabernacle Choir.

I'll be right back.

Who are you?

Where's Lenny?


Wait a minute, what, who are you guys?

Lenny said to meet her here.

We have something for her.

Wait, what have you got for her?

She needs this to get to Cuba.

The money for the pilot.

And some letters she needs to give to Fidel.


My God, did anyone see you come here?

Why is everybody going to Cuba?

Don't they know it's forbidden?

Man, the police been following us for days now.

I think we finally lost them.

The police have been following them.

Did you hear this guy?

The police have been following them, they...

Is something illegal going on here?

That's a very good question you ask.

Oh, look, girls!

Are, are you Black Panthers?

Girls, real Black Panthers!

We are with the Constitutional Liberation Party.

How exciting.

Which one of you is Abbie Hoffman?

Abbie Hoffman is white.

Are there White Panthers?

In India, Rose Epstein saw a white tiger.

No, I think you're thinking of the Detroit Tigers.

Man, what did we get into here?

Where's Lenny?

These people commit criminal acts.

Allen: No, these people are freedom fighters.

Right. (shouted agreements)

You know, Chairman Mao said that "One man's criminal is another man's freedom fighter."

That's right.

Thank you.

Wait, wait, you know what?

I'd like to get you all something to eat.

(doorbell rings)

All right, everybody, stay calm all right?

We don't need no fireworks.

No, we should, we should appear like a normal group.

I don't understand, Ellie.

How can you be serious about living in Cuba?

Because I love you, and you're gonna be the father of our child.

(women exclaiming variously)


Thank you.

And you said that Havana was romantic.

That there are palm trees and beaches and anything is possible if you're in love.

Unless you're in love with someone else.

He's not. He's not in love with me.

He wouldn't last a weekend in Cuba.

He's just in love with what I symbolize.

His inner radical has come out, which is a step up.

I'm sorry, Allen.

(indistinct chatter)

She's that woman on TV.

Oh, my God, that's the escaped fugitive!

(cheers and applause, doorbell ringing)

Kay: For God's sake, Sid, answer the door.

Oh, yes, that's right, could be the Marx brothers.

We're from the gas company.

We understand there was a gas leak reported.

Sidney: No, no, that was a while ago.

It's okay.

Who are you two?

Gas company.

How do we know you're not undercover agents?

For who?

The FBI.

We're here to check a gas leak.

Who are you?

They're members of the Detroit Tigers.

Really? Baseball players.

The gas is, the, the, the basement's over there.

I need to get to this spot just right up here.

man: The roads are not safe.

man: She's gonna have to get out in the trunk of somebody's car.

Somebody's gotta drive her.

You two guys can take her.

Are you kidding?

We'll be stopped and searched by every trooper on the highway.

I'll drive her.

No, you will not.

You will not!

No one in this house is going to help a wanted criminal escape.

Are you crazy?

No, look, I said I'm gonna take her.

I'm gonna take her.

I said no.

Let's go.

If you don't get there on time, he'll get nervous and leave.

I'll drive you!

You can't, Helen. With your eyesight and sense of direction, you'll wind up in Brooklyn.

But she's a sister revolutionary.

Listen, if you miss this plane we can't set up an escape for another month.

You could wind up stuck here God knows how long.

I'll take her.

No, yes, I'm gonna take you.

Are you crazy? You'll drive her?

She's not gonna be here another month because she eats my sturgeon, she eats my navel oranges.

She's out, I want her out.

Hey, you don't have a gas line that extends out...

Hey, aren't you the...

You're that escaped criminal the FBI's looking for.

Okay, you two, up against that wall.

Go up against the wall. You'll be fine.

Just stay against the wall.

Let's go, Lenny. Time's running out.

Wish me luck.

Don't want to miss your plane.

I know what you're thinking. You're thinking you were never prouder of me in this moment.

Hand signal, please. You're a terrible driver.

She's right, she's right.

Okay, get into the trunk.


Get into the trunk.

You want me to get in the trunk?

Yeah, unless you want me to put you under the hood.

Oh, Jesus Christ.

Get into the trunk.

Try and get comfortable.

It's a little tight in there, but you'll make it.

Oh, God.

I need help now, I need help.

Allen: Would you have really gone to Cuba with me?

I said I loved you.

And you do know that, even after we're married I still plan to be very active in helping our country reach its full potential?

That's fine, but no more expl*si*n okay?

No, no, no.

Now that I'm going to be a father.

And we can move to San Diego.

Yeah, sure, you know.

As good a place as any.

And you won't get too radical.

Only in bed.

(growls) Come here.


No, no, I'm fine, I'm fine.

You know how fast you were going?

Let me guess. Too fast, right?

What, are you a wise guy?

Let me see your license.


You're not gonna believe this.

Office, this has never happened to me before.

I left it on the table in my foyer.

I've never once been out without my license.

Okay, okay, can I see your registration?

It's, it's not in there.

Okay, step out of the car please and open your trunk.

The trunk?

The, the, the trunk of my car?

Yeah, where you heading so fast, huh?

I, I, I'm, I gotta catch a plane.

Yeah, well, there's no airports around here.

Yeah, I was gonna take a private to the airport.

Well, you know, shouldn't be driving without a license.

I know, I know.

I've never done that before.

Have I seen you somewhere, huh?


I don't think so.

You look familiar to me.

Maybe you know me from my... maybe you read my book.

You know me from my book jacket.

Yeah, who are you?

S. J. Muntzinger.

You're S. J. Muntzinger?


The S. J. Muntzinger?

Yeah, you know my books?

My God, you're, you're, you're, you're, you're a genius!

Well, you know I, I try.

What are you doing out here?

I thought you, I thought you lived in Manhattan.

No, no, I'm up here in this area.

Ah, I gotta tell you I loved your book and my kids did too.

They're the ones who actually turned me onto it.

It's great!

Oh, well, thank you.

Thank you very much.

A real genius.

Although I have to say, I thought you'd be much younger.

Well, I, you know, nothing I can do about that.

I, it's my haircut probably.

Yeah, so this is what you look like, huh?

Yeah, for better or worse.

Yeah, well, let me ask you a question.

I mean, where do you come up with a character like Holden Caulfield?

Where does that come from?


And where do the ducks in Central Park go during the winter?

Where do they go, to the Hamptons?

I gotta tell you, man, it was a real pleasure to meet you.

You know, I haven't read a book like yours and enjoyed it in a long time and I'm not a big reader.

You know what I mean?

But it's just, the way you used the words and then did jokes, it was just so funny.

Look at that, S. J. Muntzinger right here huh?

Yes, in person.

Is that you're supposed to be some sort of a weirdo recluse, huh?

Well, I, you know I get out now and then to you know shop for groceries and, you know, my colonoscopy.

Oh, yeah? I had one of those once.

You know my throat was k*lling me and the doctor took it right out.

Hey, look, I'm not gonna give you a ticket.

Your book gave me so much pleasure, but, uh... would you mind giving me an autograph?

Oh, sure, but, yeah, come over here.


Yeah, just step...

As a matter of fact, if you like, what I'll do, I'll personalize it for you.

Okay yeah, yeah, Trooper Mike.

Trooper Mike.

Mike: My good friend.

Sidney: My good friend.

Who's not giving me a ticket even though I was driving like a lunatic.

Okay, I can't do it all, Mike.

I'll just say "My good friend trooper Mike.

"God bless you", and... "S. J. Muntzinger."

Wow, what a pleasure. I really, I appreciate it.

It's a real pleasure to meet you.

Oh, thank you.

I mean, what a thrill.

Thank you, you too, God bless you, Mike.

Kay: What a day.

What an experience.

And we were out of little frankfurters.

Do you think she made it?

Oh, I think we would have heard if anything happened.

Hopefully she's in Cuba now.

Well, you're not gonna say you, you miss her?

I, I never liked her.

You know, "Beware of fanatics no matter how just their cause seems."

Oh, who said that?

That was Chairman Sidney Muntzinger.

Back to real life.

You can go to work on your sitcom now.

Let me ask you a question.

Do you think that it's in me to write a novel as good as "The Catcher in the Rye"?

Why do you ask that?

I was just thinking maybe I should dump this whole idiotic television series thing and, you know, give one last sh*t to writing the book.

I, I, I...

Hey, I'm not getting any younger.

Well, why not?

You're amusing, and I always said you could be another Salinger.
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