♪ Da, da, da ♪
Nicole Byer, Stackwell Management, reading for Restless Leg Sufferer.
Whenever you're ready.
Now I only have to take one pill instead of three.
That was good.
But... do you think you could try it sassier?
Yeah, you know... urban.
I... I don't know if I'm following.
Okay, um... I'm just gonna say it.
I want it blacker.
Do you understand what I'm saying?
Uh, I think so.
Okay, good, from the top.
[in urban accent] Now I only gotta take one pill instead of three.
A little blacker.
Daaamn, one pill's gonna do me, not three.
Church lady black.
Oooh, child, oooh, yes, Lord, Jesus, I only gotta take one pill, not three no more.
You get a pill! You get a pill!
You get a pill-l-l-l-l!
Thank you. We'll be in touch.
Ooh, okay. Well, ha-ha, I hope you call me on my phone.
That was snapping black.
I... I gotcha.
Oooh, baby, I'm gonna get in my car and zoom-zoom home.
That was a mix of a Mazda commercial and Monique.
I've very black.
♪ La, la, la, la, la, la, la ♪♪
Oh God, who the hell's calling me at... oooh... 10 a.m...?
Uh, hi, Avi, is that you?
How's my favorite client?
Am I really your favorite client?
Anyway, I have good news.
[gasps] I booked that restless leg thing.
No, Jenny Stein got that one.
You booked a national commercial for Swedish Slumber Pillows.
Yes! I'm going to Sweden!
No, they're sh**ting it on a soundstage.
Yes, I'm going to a soundstage.
I just wanted to give you a heads up about the director.
Her name's Nora McNab.
She's done a bunch of commercials, a few features.
You're gonna love her.
There's just a few things.
Ooh, what things?
Just follow her rules.
She directed "Resurrection Day."
I love that movie.
Liam Neeson's all like, "What it's gonna take for you understand that my daughter belongs to me?"
And then he jumps out of that window to save her when she falls out of that helicopter.
Uh, classic Liam Neeson.
Uh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
So, yeah, just follow her orders, and you'll be $6,000 richer in four days.
Six thousand dollars!
Oh my God, oh my God!
What do rich people do with $6,000?
I'm gonna buy shoes!
Okay, but after taxes and my commission, it's really not $6,000.
Lots of 'em.
I'm an actress.
Ooh, thank you.
Is this for free?
What is this?
Uh, it's a call sheet.
And that is?
It's a sheet of paper that lists everyone's names, jobs, what we're sh**ting today.
Let me guess, you're Mohammed?
No, he's our key grip.
See, I'm right here under boom operator.
What is a boom operator?
I hold the microphone while we sh**t.
[laughs] I knew that.
I didn't think you worked in expl*sives.
I mean, that would be... that would be crazy.
Um, I don't see my name on here.
You're Nicole, right?
So you have your own little section right here under talent.
I'll see you on set.
Oh my God, every single person here knows I am talented. [laughs]
Is that Nicole Byer?
Nora McNab, director.
Glad to have you.
I'm so happy to be...
This is gonna be a fun four days.
Have some melon.
It's fantastic, good for the eyelashes.
Did you know 400 people auditioned for this commercial?
Welcome to the majors.
Now, hair and makeup is outside in that trailer.
Meet you in 20 on the set.
Oh, I hate it. Uh.
On your mark.
When you lay your head down on a Swedish Slumber Pillow, you can count on a visit from me!
That's a wrap on day one.
Big hand for Nicole, everybody!
Also, is someone recording this?
If so, can you please send it to me?
You crushed it today.
How many actresses have you worked with?
Probably like a couple of hundred.
Oooh, am I the best?
Uh, top five, for sure.
But like top of the five, right?
Yeah, but you're gonna have to tell Demi Lovato she's number two.
I don't know who that is.
Wait until I leave to read this.
Also, don't read it out loud.
It's very sexual in nature.
"Dear Danny, I know we've only just met. But I could feel a strong connection growing between us... as two people who work together, but also in a sexual nature. Since you pointed out my name on the call sheet, mm, I can't stop thinking about you. And how when we were sh**ting, people would yell at you, 'Boom in the frame!' Because I want you to get your boom in my frame. Okay, so if you feel the same way, check the box below that says I like you and return it to me tomorrow, or just talk to me. Whatever's easier. Sincerely, Nicole."
Hi, hi, hi.
Hey, how was your first day?
Ooh, so good.
Devin, I talked to the director.
And she said I can't have an assistant, even if he works for free.
But I'm not gonna give up.
I made a very valuable discovery.
I think you should have a seat.
Okay. Well, let me get some wine.
But let me get a glass.
So, I was doing my normal Internet perusing, pipping to that site, popping to this site.
And I pipped across this.
[laughs] What? Bone Bus?
You just discovered that?
No, I've known about Bone Bus since I was 13, okay?
Raymond as in Veronica's boyfriend Raymond.
I know who Raymond is!
Oh my God, who's the girl?
Nicole: No way.
That must have been before the implants.
Yeah, They're so, so small.
They're very small.
I feel like mine are bigger than hers.
Yeah, yours are definitely bigger than hers.
What about mine?
Anyways, I've been dying to watch this.
Shall we get to business?
Let us never speak of this again.
Devin: Where are you going?
I gotta tell Veronica.
She's gotta know.
It's too much to text.
Wait... would you take a picture of her face when you tell her?
Don't drink my wine.
[knocking at door]
Uh, I was d*ad asleep.
This is just too important.
Where's your laptop?
What's going on?
Raymond is in a p*rn.
Raymond is not in a p*rn.
Check it out.
Veronica: Oh my God, that's him.
Nicole: Yeah, it sure is.
I can't watch this.
Nicole: Yeah, but...
No, I said I'm not watching it.
Are you okay?
Uh, can we just drop this?
Let's just not talk about this.
But I know...
Look, Nicole, I'm trying to be the cool girlfriend who doesn't care about his past, okay?
I haven't asked about his ex-girlfriends or when he lost his virginity, because I'm cool with that stuff.
Besides, we all do dumb things when we're younger.
Like when you hooked up with that guy Aaron.
When he [bleep], he was just like, "Ooooooh, booooy!"
Yeah, that was a stupid thing that I did.
That's a stupid thing that Raymond did.
Doesn't change who he is now.
Listen, I just think you need to see the end of it.
No, Nicole, please don't bring this up again.
I'm just gonna leave you my password just in case you change your mind.
You can use that password for all of the p*rn on that site.
Six years of research went in this Swedish Slumber System Pillow.
So you can go to sleep knowing you're not laying your head on a pillow, you're laying it on science.
Director: And cut!
Sorry for the waiting.
That's just a little prank I like to pull on the last sh*t of the day.
That's hilarious. You're hilarious.
Uuuh, this is hilarious.
That's a wrap, everybody!
So, I read your letter.
You made a lot of assumptions about my penis.
How far off was I?
I told you I was talented.
You wanna get a drink?
Yes. But first, I have to make a dainty number one.
I'll be right back.
I'll be waiting.
And I'll be thinking of you.
Danny, your father's in town, and he wants to take you to brunch at Shutters.
I'm busy, mom.
I'm just busy.
He's here like three times a year.
Love you, too.
I thought of a drinking game.
Every time you buy me a sh*t, I drink it.
You know you're a natural in front of the camera?
Tell me more about how I'm a good actress.
Ooh, hey, can you bring us six sh*ts of your finest, cheapest vodka, please?
That sounds great, but I have to drive home.
I live around the corner.
Do you not get what I'm putting down?
Ooooh! That was nice.
It was fun.
Oooh, I like that. Okay.
Oh no, there's a red thing on your b*lls.
It's just an ingrown hair.
I shave 'em, so it happens all the time.
It looks like a herpe.
No, it's not.
Ah, herpes is clusters.
That's just one little bump.
So, can we get back to it?
Nicole: [mumbling] Uh, you learn something new every day.
So then the IT guy, the one with all the tattoos, he just came and told me to restart my computer.
And then he just looks at me like I'm some little, tiny baby.
Oh no, uh, I forgot it's Tuesday.
Alfie's is closed.
All right, hey, well, I went to George's Taco a while back, it was pretty good.
Do you wanna go to George's Taco?
I went a while ago, it was pretty good.
You went and you didn't tell me?
It was before we started going out.
Yeah, but why wouldn't you tell me?
Did you not think I'd be cool with it?
Do you ever see me as someone who's not cool with that?
Oooh, George's is fine.
I'm just stressed from work.
Hey, don't apologize.
I should have told you.
The walk there should be plenty time of time to cover every place I've eaten since 2004.
Hi, hi, hi!
Oh, hi, Lester.
I brought you half of a banana.
Where's the other half?
Inside of me.
Damn, girl, you're nasty.
No, no, I mean, I just ate it.
Hi, Gladys. Good morning.
Everything looks delicious.
Oh, good morning, Nora.
Shall we go have a chat?
I would have never slept with him if you told me he was your son.
This isn't about him being my son.
I accept my son as a sexual being.
I accept my son as a sexual being.
I accept my son... it's unprofessional behavior on the job.
It sets a bad example for the crew.
I completely understand.
I was working at this warehouse this one time, and everyone was like banging everyone.
It was such an unprofessional environment.
We got like no work done.
I'm truly very sorry.
I accept your apology.
But I only give warnings once. Okay.
Is that clear?
So we're clear?
Clearer than water.
I won't bang him again.
Hey, why aren't you ready?
The movie starts in half an hour.
I don't feel good.
My head hurts.
Oh, you want me to get you an ice pack for your head?
Okay, that's it.
I am done pretending to be cool about this.
How could you not tell me that you're in a p*rn?
So it really was you?
Yeah, oh God.
This is so humiliating.
You think it's humiliating?
How do you think I felt when Nicole showed me the video?
Nicole showed it to you?
Yeah, who else is gonna show me bus p*rn?
Why would you ever do that?
I don't know. I was young, I was drunk.
It was spring break.
I'd just from this free t*nk concert.
Oh my God, it just keeps getting worse.
Can you just go?
We need to talk about it.
Is it okay if I still go see the movie?
I'm gonna go home, and I'm gonna think about what I've done.
You're not supposed to be here.
That's like 16 bucks a bottle.
You want some?
Uh, this is a bad idea, but yes.
And just to be clear, we are not having sex.
Danny: No problem.
I'll have one, please.
No, back to your room.
I'm dealing with adult stuff here.
Oooh, that is smooth.
No! God no!
This commercial is important to me.
I don't wanna blow it.
Come on, she can't tell us what to do.
Ah! Knock it off!
Oh my God!
I...I... I can help you help, no?
You just gonna leave?
Hey, don't take the vodka.
Talent got me here, Gladys.
Being professional's gonna keep me here.
Are there any more breakfast burritos?
Oh, Gladys, you're not gonna make it.
You boned my boy... again.
I got fired.
Me, too. Sorry.
Why'd you tell your mom that I banged you again?
I was mad at you.
Ooh, you were mad at me because I wouldn't sleep with you again?
Very, very cute.
If you had just waited two more days, I would have banged you to the moon and back.
Okay, all right.
You know what? Screw it.
I wanted to get fired. Why?
Because I needed a way out.
My mom wants me to follow in her footsteps.
I tried to quit like a bunch of times, and she wouldn't let me.
Okay, so you used me to get fired?
I just wanna be a chef.
I wanna open a restaurant that's like an artisanal take on snack foods.
German pretzels, Canadian potato chips, Japanese octopus b*lls.
So you risked my career for octopus b*lls?
I gotta follow my dream.
Hey, [bleep] you, I'm gonna tell your mom.
It's my word versus yours. And I'm her son.
Okay, both of you, time to go.
But Lester, you're my friend.
Please, Nicole, don't make this harder than it already is.
But we shared a banana yesterday, Lester.
[knocking at door]
You should have brought cookies.
Well, this is all I got now.
So we're cool?
It's just really hard to know that there's this video of you having sex.
Wait. You haven't watched it, have you?
I didn't have to watch it.
Okay, sit down. We're gonna watch it now.
Just trust me, okay?
I don't wanna do this.
What are you doing?
Nicole wrote her password on one of these pieces of paper.
It's "dicks." Capital D?
She screams it.
All right, here we go.
I need some tea.
This won't take long.
Man: Look how hot she is, bro.
Mm, yeah, man, she's... she's very pretty.
I wanna see what he's working with.
Whoa, whoa, hey, now, come on.
Come on, come on.
Woman: I won't bite.
I know, but I think I just wanna get off.
Me, too. Come on.
Man: Yeah, Raymond, she's hot for you.
Uh, uh, you know, I think you're a nice lady, but...
I don't... I don't like that.
Man: Are you crying, bro?
He's totally crying.
[crying] No, I just came from a very emotional concert.
So that's just going on.
Man: Stop the bus.
I forgot my T-shirt.
What was that for?
Because the reason is you.
It's t*nk's most famous song.
Oooh, so you do like them?
No, I was just alive in 2003.
I'm really sorry about that.
No, it's okay.
Your whole life is a punishment for that.
I get fan mail though every now and then.
Are you serious?
It's kinda like that weird fetish, you know?
Crying p*rn and stuff.
God, the world is over.
I'm a star though.
All right, your octopus b*lls.
A food truck, huh?
You gotta start somewhere.
Hey, you know, I kinda feel bad about how things went down.
Oh, no, no, don't worry.
I actually wanted to thank you.
Yeah, you made me realize that there's some people in this world willing to betray you to get ahead in life.
It was a harsh lesson, but it was one I needed to learn.
You were soup screen.
That's a strange phrase.
It's my phrase.
Hey, own it.
You know what?
Let me get a pretzel.
You sure you don't wanna try the octopus b*lls?
I've had enough of your b*lls.
No, this one's on the house.
Are you sure?
[knocking on window]
Daryl Montrose, County Health Inspector.
We got a report that you've been... mushing your junk into the pretzels.
Do you or do you not have a small, red lump on the right side of your testicle?
Uh, you cannot do this.
It's this girl, I hooked up with her.
She's trying to bring me down.
Well, it's your word versus hers.
And I like her more.
Come on, you don't even know me, man.
You can go to prison for putting your testicles in food.
You feeling any better, sweetie?
I think so.
What's in the bag?
A shitty pretzel.
That's a shitty pretzel.
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01x05 - Danny Boom
Episode transcripts for the TV show "Loosely Exactly Nicole". Aired: August 1, 2016 to February 2018.
"Loosely Exactly Nicole" is the vaguely autobiographical tale of Nicole, a foul-mouthed and impulsive aspiring actress on the margins of showbiz.
1 post • Page 1 of 1
1 post • Page 1 of 1