06x03 - Single and Sufficient

[bunniefuu]

I am so excited about this glamping trip.

Sleeping bags are for hobos and children.

Winston: I am so pumped for this trip.

Aly and I figured out how many times we would have had sex since we've been apart, and it's a whole bunch.

And we're gonna play catch-up on all of it.

All 52 times.

I am about to take Aly to Mount Smushmore.

Know what I'm saying? [laughs]

Aw. That's lovely.

We need to invite other people.

What about Nick?

No, he can't.

He has some big writing weekend.

Wants me to give him notes on his novel.

He has all the pages in some large freezer bag.

It's a hard presentation to get excited about.

You know who would really want to come?

[groans]

I am in!

Do you want me to bring my retractable s'mores pole?

Is that the car antenna that you've been putting in the dishwasher?

That is a low-level mystery that is driving me insane.

Making him crazy.

It's really handy.

All right, Jess. So just a quick warning, okay?

This is a pretty couple-y's trip, and... you know, we just don't want you to feel like a third wheel.

Yeah.

Oh. I have people I can bring.

You...

I joined a singles group.

You're meeting new people.

I think that's great.

[quietly]: Oh, my.

It's actually... a group of all singles dedicated to keeping each other single.

Wow.

I think they could probably come on the trip.

Emotionally, they may not be available, but socially, they're available as hell.

[quietly]: Just talk to her really quickly.

You know what?

Oh, you're already texting people.

They're probably not...

They're in!

Oh!

All of them! [laughing]

Honestly, they would have gone to the DMV with you, if you had asked.

[laughing]

♪ ♪

[inhales] [yells]

How long have you been standing there?

[whines]

What happened to you?

The Pepperwood Chronicles, that's what happened to me.

So it's really that bad.

Nick.

This book... is magnificent.

What?

Julius Pepperwood?

A hard-boiled Chicago cop turned New Orleans detective, racing around on fan-boats, drowning that two-faced DA in a bucket of jambalaya.

Yeah. Right in the jambalaya.

Finding John F. Kennedy... alive?

That wasn't too far?

It's a masterpiece, Nick.

Is that my whiteboard?

You said I could have it.

Well, we both know that's not true, but if it helps you get more of this story out, then, yes, you are welcome to it.

Well, all right, Schmidt, hit me; I want your notes.

No notes!

No notes?

No notes.

No notes?!

No notes.

No notes!

No notes.

No notes!

No notes. It's perfect, Nick.

I want another chapter by the time I get back on Sunday.

Then I guess it's time for me to get to work.

My little wobbly-nosed Michael Chabon.

[both laugh]

Hey, congratulations.

Thank you, man.

I, uh... Thank you. I needed it.

I'm a writer.

[shrieks] 'Sup?

[both laughing]

[smooching] ALY: I love you. I miss you. I love you. I miss you.

You clearly didn't get my text, because your pants are still on.

[grunts]

[whooping] So excited about this.

Hey, Aly! Oh!

Your bra's already off. Okay.

We're out the door.

None of this in my car, please.

I just had it shampooed.

Jess.

I called ahead and got us an early yurt check-in.

Oh.

Beep-beep.

People about to have sex coming through.

Winston: Look out. Aren't you coming?

Actually, I'm gonna go with my group.

We rented a van. It has a built-in microwave.

We're all really stoked about it.

You're not making me feel any better about this group of strangers.

Well, it's not all strangers.

Some of them are friends! [laughing]

Robby?

My Robby?

Yeah. I got here way too early, so I've just been standing outside, kind of waiting for my opportunity to enter.

How'd I do?

Robby, are you in this group?

[snorts]

[laughing]: Is he in the group?

Robby is the founder, president, and secretary of the group.

I formed the group after Nadia dumped me.

I always use two sugars.

My mom says 'cause I'm so sweet, you know.

Oh, whoa!

I didn't want to be alone, but I also didn't want to be in a relationship.

And that's when he got the idea to bring people together to help each other stay single.

Yeah, we meet weekly for non-romantic companionship.

But most of all, we just have fun.

Yeah.

Like last week, we shut down this Korean barbecue.

We paid with 13 different credit cards, and we were asked to never come back again.

It was epic!

That sounds awesome.

Oh, man.

It's a really cool group, and we have our own motto.

Both: "I'm single and I'm sufficient."

That's I-S-I-S. That's !sis.

Th-that's !sis.

Oh, my God.

You're asking people to join !sis.

No, n-n-n-n-n-n-no.

As communication czar I should have caught that.

Yeah.

Isn't this group just a painfully transparent stall until you meet someone?

Being single is a choice.

Yeah.

Don't single-shame.

What is single-shame?

No, honey. He was not single-shaming you.

I-I wasn't...

That was not his intention at all.

I don't even know what that is.

Couples always try to talk down to singles.

We can do everything that you guys can do.

I take myself out for a dessert date every Sunday.

Yeah, and yesterday, I had a backache, and I rubbed it myself, in a doorjamb.

This is bummin' me out.

Is this group gonna be a bummer? Be honest.

Absolutely not.

There's Brenda.

She's a circuit court judge who also teaches taxidermy class for kids.

And Hugh. He grows his own onions.

My former boss and current friend, Principal Foster.

His hip surgeon has okayed him for sex, but he hasn't okayed himself.

And of course, Robby, our leader.

Have you ever seen a group more ready to have fun with themselves?

[cheering]

[horse hooves clopping]

Just look at this view; we needed this so badly.

It's-it's perfect.

Is it, though?

[camera shutters clicking]

Can you stop hogging the vista?

There are other people who would like to take a photo.

I don't want to lose this light.

It's a traditional high-noon.

Don't couple-splain light to us.

It just seems like it would be easier if you guys took a group photo.

We actually need a picture for our web site, Oh, yeah.

So, all right, you can take a group photo.

All right, let's do this.

Now, I'm only taking one sh*t, so if the first one's a silly one, you're gonna have to live with a silly one.

Okay. One, two, three. There we go. Great photo.

I'm gonna need one, too.

Actually, we're all gonna need one.

What?

Yeah, we don't share phones like you people.

Who shares phones?

How would we call each other?

I don't know.

I can't do this. This is... Take these back.

You guys are ruining a perfectly good vista moment.

Can't you go someplace else and "enjoy being single"?

[gasps] Did you just quote-hands "enjoy being single" to us?

You guys are telling each other that you're happy being this, when we all know that you would rather be this.

No. This is jazz hands, the end of an expl*sive musical number.

This is O.J. trying to put on the bloody glove.

This is freedom!

This is flying!

This is praying that you can go back to this!

This is high fives for everybody!

All around! Yes! [chuckling]

Let's go to the lake, guys. Bye.

Foster: I call dibs on the slime-free part.

Okay.

Just enjoy the view. I mean...

This is O.J. putting back on the glove.

No notes.

Okay, just... just start and see what... Just start. No notes.

All me.

No notes. What does "no notes" even mean?!

No notes.

No notes?

Come on.

[chuckles]

Nick, I'm communing with nature, and I'm almost at peace.

What do you want?

No notes?

Seriously?

It is just so nice to get out of the city and watch TV.

What about this dumb thing? When Pepperwood just watches a block of local news.

Oh, I found that part to be gutting, Nick. I mean, the irony that Pepperwood's violent world is being translated into sound bites for mass consumption...

That's just me transcribing Channel 3 News!

I didn't even change the anchors' names!

It's called realism, Nick.

No.

Good-bye, genius.

No!

[groans]

Ooh, that was... Ooh.

Winston: Oh, my gosh.

13 times.

Yeah. It's a lot of times.

A lot of times.

[chuckles] I had a good time.

I had a great time.

I could've gone so many more times than that.

Yeah, that's actually nothing.

[both chuckle]

I could go all night, girl.

I could go tens of... so many more times.

Tens of... Ten... Yeah.

Cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool.

[sighs] Cool, cool, cool, cool.

That's what's up. That's what's up.

[phone ringing]

That's what's up.

Oh, it's the phone.

[breathy]: Hella?

Winston, are you...

Hey, Winnie, are you okay?

You sound like you're being chased up a hill.

Oh, no. Aly and I are just breaking each other off basically nonstop. It's Nick.

I told him we were breaking each other off basically nonstop.

I know. I can hear you, honey.

Oh, you heard everything? Okay.

What does he want?

I'm in crisis right now. Could you read my book and give me notes, please?

Oh, man. I don't want to take a break.

Mmm. Mm-mm.

I'm like a freight train right now.

I can't slow down.

Me either.

This is crisis!

But...

Guys, supporting our friend's artistic endeavors is also insanely...

Hey, guys. Guys, pay attention.

It's sexy.

This is crisis.

But I was thinking the same thing.

Oh, thank God.

Hello? Winston! Winston, We could easily just both read the book you're supposed to be my friend.

At the same time, and then when we're done, just get right back at it.

Right?

Yes, yes, yes, yes.

Great. Now, do y... do you guys want a PDF or do you want 100 individual JPEGs?

JPEGs, JPEGs, J... JPEGs.

Uh, 100 individual JPEGs, please.

Yeah! This is gonna take forever.

[laughing]

[groans]

Five-three.

[grunts]

Hey. Oh, I was just... just playing a little single and sufficient badminton.

Well, I hope you worked up an appetite, because I'm gonna make my Singles Sliders.

Oh, yeah?

Okay, so what I do is I take the meat from three different sliders, and then I just sort of mash 'em into one big boy that stands on his own.

Oh. So, like a burger.

Yeah, it's like a burger except it's bigger.

Oh. Well, if it isn't Schmidt.

Or should I call you Schmidt-tata 'cause you have so much egg on your face?

You little Italian egg omelet.

[laughs, snorts] Nice.

Jess, what's happening in the lake over there?

Wait, is that a jellyfish?

Come over here.

Oh, please, that's so much less sexual than the stuff that you and Nick do on a regular basis.

[chuckles] Ow.

[sighs]

It's happening.

Okay, Robby...

I'm on it.

[Hugh and Brenda laughing]

Guys, guys.

No, no, no, no, no. What are you doing?

You guys know that you can only be in this group if you're single, right?

It's tough.

I'm very horny.

I want you guys to be strong.

Let's do the motto.

"I'm single I'm single and I'm sufficient."

"and I'm sufficient".

Didn't sound like you meant it. One more.

Both: "I'm single and I'm sufficient."

Yes.

One last time.

"I'm single and I'm sufficient!"

Yes!

Foster: Well, I just hope we don't see a repeat of that kind of behavior with me later on.

You were amazing out there. Your ability to dampen sexual chemistry is astounding.

[chuckles softly]

Uh... [clears throat] Thanks.

Foster: Hey, guys!

I just caught a fish with my hand!

Wow. Nick's book is astonishing.

I thought it was gonna take forever, but... it was perfect.

He really brings you into the world.

Every minor character is so well thought out.

The newsboy? You could see his whole life.

And am I the only one who thought that the m*rder*r's name was in the song?

The m*rder*r's song was in the song!

Ah. So good.

No notes.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Well... sex?

Yes!

Yeah?

Sex.

I'm ready if you're ready.

Yeah. Yeah.

All right.

Just a short walk to our yurt.

Unless we take the scenic route.

Oh. Nothing gets me in the mood like scenery.

Mmm?

Let's do that.

Yeah, let's go that way.

Yeah, let's do that. The scenic way.

Perhaps you could find the perfect bun if... I don't know... You had your glasses.

Oh. Oh, you know... you know who else has glasses?

Six out of ten people in the developed world, including Robby and I?

Jess, just give over to it. We're happy for you.

Use your yurt. You have a world-class yurt.

Yeah, and if this is about me and Robby dating years ago, trust me, it doesn't matter.

Mm-mm.

We only did hand stuff, per his neurosis, [groans] so you totally have my blessing.

Blessing for what?

This.

That.

Guys, I am not into Robby.

And I could never date a guy who wears glasses because of the clown from my dreams.

The clown who wears glasses.

Oh, my God, that clown is me.

I'm not dating Robby, okay?

Hey.

Oh, Robby.

Oh, hey, Robby.

I heard my name a bunch of times. I mean, I could tell that you weren't trying to call me in here, but, uh, my curiosity kicked in, so... A couple of us are gonna wander down and, uh, you know, tell some stories and, uh... [plays guitar] sing a few songs.

That sounds great. Actually, you know who loves to sing?

Actually, I've really been hating music lately.

Come on, Jess, you're a whore for singin'. Please.

♪ ♪
♪ I hear the drums echoing tonight ♪
♪ but she hears only ♪
♪ whispers of some quiet conversation ♪
♪ ♪
♪ She's coming in, 12:30 flight ♪
♪ The moonlit wings reflect the stars ♪
♪ that guide me towards salvation... ♪

[phone ringing]

Damn it!

Nick, if this is about notes, so help me God.

I'm sorry, but I'm not gonna stop bugging you until you note me, Schmidt.

All right, Nick. Here's a note.

Stop cutting yourself off at the knees like a selfish coward.

Okay, great, great. I love the direction we're going.

We're getting more critical, but can you refocus to the writing?

No, Nick, I cannot, and you want to know why?

Because you are a writer.

And a damn good one at that.

But you're just too scared to admit it to yourself.

Goodbye, sir.

No! Damn, you raven-haired dandy boy.

Yeah, thought carving our names in the trees would have taken longer.

Yeah.

[owl hooting]

So... do you want... want to have sex?

Yeah. I think that's... Yeah, let's...

Listen, Aly, I got to admit, I'm pretty tapped out.

I-I'm sorry to say it like that, but, you know, I'm...

No. Me, too! I know!

We've had too much sex too fast!

Why didn't we pace ourselves?

[sighs]

I'm so exhausted.

Oh, my gosh, I think this whole ordeal just illustrates why three months isn't three days.

So happy you said that.

[laughs]

I'm just happy to be in the same place as you.

Me, too.

And, you know, we did do it 13 times.

That's a lot.

That's a lot of times.

But you know what my favorite time was?

11? [laughs]

11. You knew.

Oh, I knew. 11 was great.

Mm. Maybe we should do 11 again.

But this time... I'm the mermaid.

Okay. I'm the mermaid.

[laughing]: No, I'm the mermaid.

Kind of, uh... Yeah, right there.

Perfect.

Get your butt down there.

[sighs]

Come here!

Ooh!

[laughs]

Both: ♪ It's gonna take a lot to drag me away from you ♪
♪ There's nothing that a hundred men or more could ever do ♪
♪ I bless the rains down in Africa... ♪

This is electric.

♪ I bless the rains ♪
♪ down in Africa ♪
♪ I bless the rain ♪

Both: ♪ I bless the rains ♪
♪ down in Africa ♪
♪ Gonna take some time ♪
♪ to do the things we never had ♪
♪ Had. ♪

Wait! Stop!

I can't!

You can't what?

I can't ignore what's going on with Brenda and Hugh!

We weren't doing anything!

I hope you guys were behaving, all right?

Because you know what happens on strike two.

Strike two and...

Strike... You're not out on strike two, but, you know, strike two, you're on thin ice.

Jess should be on thin ice.

Ugh!

She took us on a couples trip!

Yeah, that's like taking alcoholics to a brewery!

Nobody here wants to hear from you, Hugh.

You Hugh.

You... Hugh.

You made us hang out with your lame couples friends!

How are we lame?

There is no reason to att*ck us.

And when singing Toto, why is it always "Africa"?

They've got a deep catalog!

Robby: Okay.

Look, I think we can all agree that Jess is a very important member of this group.

You hypocrite.

Before you cast aspersions on anyone else, you need to take a good long look at yourself, Robby!

The emperor I don't even know has no clothes!

.. why we bothered coming here!

[overlapping chatter]

And you sexualized Toto.

No, you make a good...

I know those guys. They're good guys!

Know what? Enough!

Okay, I'm not, uh...

Guys, I'm not actually gonna smash my guitar to get your attention.

But listen, I don't want you to lose faith in this group.

Okay? Just... lose faith in me.

Because you're right. I have been a hypocrite. Uh...

I do have feelings for Jess.

Ooh.

[gasps]

Just... he didn't say what kind of feelings.

They're sexual and romantic feelings.

Oh, wow.

Oh, boy.

Brenda: Well, what do you know?

I'm really sorry about last night. Where's the group?

The group is kind of permanently done.

Robby sent out a final e-mail.

It was in Latin, uh, and it was in this gothic font.

I'm kind of worried about him.

Why don't you give the guy a chance, Jess?

[sighs] I'm not interested right now.

So, what, are you just gonna give up on love, be alone forever? Like...

No, you know me.

I love love!

Anything in pairs makes me choked up.

Shoes, socks, chopsticks.

I'm just in kind of a confusing place right now, and I think you guys know why.

It's about Nick, right?

Yes, of course we are talking about Nick.

I knew it.

Yes, I'm talking about Nick.

I knew it.

I knew it.

But, look, I want you to know something.

I'm really, really happy being single right now.

I'm sorry if my group ruined your weekend.

They're really cool people if you get to know them.

I'm sure.

[phone chimes]

Yeah. Oh, my God, I have to go.

Foster got a corn chip in his eye.

Schmidt: Okay, you know what?

We need to make a pact to befriend at least one other married couple.

Yeah, but how are we gonna do that?

We don't have a kid, and I refuse to take cooking classes.

I don't know. Maybe we just go to a Norah Jones concert, stand outside and look lost.

Well, Schmidty, you pulled a real Mr. Miyagi on the whole "no notes, tough love" routine.

Let me see it.

Ooh! Nick, there's a whole nother chapter here!

How did you make this happen?

I worked... because of you. And... who is this wise, denim-clad Jewish chaplain?

Sch-Schmith?

That was the big thing.

You helped me realize that Pepperwood needed a Schmith.

Okay. While it's an honor to be included in the world that you've created here, um... [sighs] the Schmith character seems, uh, grotesque.

Yeah, he's unlikeable.

I don't understand why, when we meet this character, he-he's kicking a puppy.

He's the bad guy... in Pepperwood's life.

He's mean, he's...

He's not somebody you want to introduce to Mom and Dad.

The cha... the character.

Schmith is a dirt bag.

I have no respect for Schmith, and neither should anybody else.

I think that's a mistake to say those things about the character.

I appreciate what you're saying, but I'm happy with what I have.

I don't need any notes.

Oh, now it's no notes?!

Nick? Nick?!

Sit anywhere?

What's up, Robby?

Hey, sorry. I'll leave. I was almost done..

No! You'll ruin your food!

Yeah, just like I ruined the group.

You didn't ruin anything. We're...

We're still hanging out.

Really?

Okay, so could you guys vote me back in maybe?

We voted to get rid of voting.

It's the same, just, uh, without the rules.

Jess, I don't really know what to say.

Don't say anything.

It's fine. I'm just gonna read.

Um, Winston gave me a copy of Nick's book.

It's actually pretty good.

Um...

[laughing]

Except the foreword says, "Best enjoyed with shrimp cocktail." [laughs]

You can go back to your crossword puzzle.

It's a word search.

Oh.

Hey, Robby?

Hmm?

Should... should we just share a table?

Is that crazy?

I don't think it's crazy at all. Do you?

No. I mean, I suggested it, so, no.

Yeah.

Okay.

Oh, thanks.

♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh ♪

[sighs]

♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh... ♪

Hey, Jess?

Um... I just found the word "locomotive," backwards and diagonal.

♪ Saint Laurent built in the '70s ♪
♪ No intelligent thing left to say ♪