01x07 - Four Christs

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Previously on Four in the Morning...

Don't be in love with my girlfriend.

I can't! I'm sorry!

I'm desperately in love with her.

Do you think we should have sex?

(COUGHING)

I love Mitzi.

And I used you to make her jealous!

Don't let it happen again.

I'm having Bondurant's abortion.

What?

I'm not pregnant anymore.

Mitzi: I was.

But I'm not anymore.

Whatcha got there?

Just my boyfriend's 900-page cutting appraisal of all my fatal flaws.

(WHISPERING) I slept with William.

But don't tell Bandercamp.

Shh!

(THUD)

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

(TIRES SCREECH)

(MUSIC PLAYING IN DISTANCE)

(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)

(SIZZLES)

You incredible bastard.

She told you?

She told me.

Good. All this secret-keeping was making my skin break out.

Why, William?

Suppose it's a hormone thing.

I meant, why did you sleep with Mitzi?

Like I said.

A whiff of something warm and wet, huh?

That's the going rate of best friendship these days?

Don't act all hurt.

I don't have to act, I am all hurt!

Have you been crying?

(SNIFFLES) No.

Sit down, Bondurant.

I just drove 23 hours from Manitoba.

I'll stand.

You're leering.

It's making me uncomfortable.

Oh, let me tell you how much your comfort level means to me right now.

Please just take a seat. This is Jamie's first day.

I don't want to cause any problems for her.

What?

Bondurant.

Jamie?

I didn't realize that you...

Worked here?

I know, right? I can barely believe it, either.

Obviously, it's not the most glamorous gig in the world...

(COUGHS)

But last night I'm talking to Coralie and she tells me that one of their dishwashers has just d*ed of dysentery on his honeymoon in Mexico.

That's fantastic!

Look!

Professionally pruned!

I shouldn't be showing off like this.

Oh, your girlfriend's a natural, William.

We're all very proud.

Yeah, well, considering my complete lack of work history and all those felony convictions on my record...

Hmm?

... I figure it's a start, you know?

Where's Mitzi?

I imagine she'll be by in a sec.

Okey dokey.

(SIGHS)

She got a job...

I've been trying to dissect it all night.

What did you do to the poor girl?

Straight?

What?

You drove straight here from Manitoba?

Yes.

And where's Mitzi?

In the car.

cr*ck the window at least?

She's sleeping.

Don't you think she should be here for this?

Well, she just looked so peaceful, I didn't want to disturb her.

I looked peaceful, didn't stop you from disturbing me.

It's different.

How's that?

I understand why Mitzi did it.

I don't understand why you did.

Woman: The fuse has blown.

We did it for the same reason.

I don't treat her very well.

You don't treat me very well.

(CACKLES)

So that's it? You're punishing me for being a bad friend?

I'm punishing you for being a bad person.

Strong words!

Well, you earned it, buddy.

Care to expand?

Rack your brain, see what you come back with.

Oh, you're upset because I'm better-looking than you?

No.

Smarter?

No.

More charming then?

No.

Are you sure it's not the better-looking thing?

You f*cked Jamie.

What?

(TIRES SCREECH)

(CRASH)

(WOMAN SCREAMS)

You f*cked her behind my back.

You're the incredible bastard, not me, you are.

Behind your back? No, no, it's not true!

You've been misled!

I've been misled by the sack of sh*t sleeping on my couch and my girlfriend.

It's a lie, William. I would never...

You sat there, in that booth right over there at the beginning of the season.

The season?

Yes, the summer season. We all sat right over there and you confessed your love for Jamie.

Oh, that never happened.

It happened.

Go ahead, show him. Roll the tape back.

The tape, sir?

Yes, the security tape?

Sorry, sir, our security system was stolen by bandits.

I remember it very specifically.

We broke into Massey Hall later?

Oh! You mean the night we were high on peyote?

A-ha! So you admit it, you sack of sh*t?

No, no, no, you have it wrong, William. It was a ruse.

I made it all up.

You're caught.

Admit it, already.

I was trying to make Mitzi jealous.

That's why I said what I said.

Mitzi saw you two sleeping together.

What?

She told me. She saw you bang my girlfriend.

Well, I would never bang Jamie. I'd make love to...

I swear to God, if you start this sh*t again...

It's not important!

You slept with Jamie and you've been lying about it ever since.

So don't come in here wielding steaks and blame me for getting even. Right, Mitzi?

I'm so sorry.

Don't apologize to this idiot, you've got nothing to be sorry for.

No.

I'm so sorry, William.

(SIGHS)

Bondurant didn't sleep with Jamie.

But...

I thought... I thought we were cheat buddies.

We were.

Our significant others cheated on us, so we cheated on them.

Quite the little coup on our part.

Except we weren't actually being cheated on.

I suppose that takes away from it.

I'll say.

I honestly didn't mean to lie to you.

You said you saw them together.

I made a mistake.

You made a mistake about what you saw?

Yeah!

I mean, no.

I mean...

Oh, screw off, assh*le!

Screw off?

Yeah.

You're telling me to screw off?

Yeah! You, too.

Me?

What did I do?

You put it in my head!

I did nothing wrong. I'm the aggrieved.

This is your fault.

Oh, no, no, no, no. No! You're not getting out of this one, I don't care how fantastic of a sex partner you are.

Yeah!

Sorry.

It doesn't matter that you never actually slept with Jamie.

You made me think that you had or would, and that's worse.

Oh, but I have and did.

What?

Both: What?

"Have and did," start there.

Did you cheat on me with Jamie?

Of course not!

But you slept with her?

That was a long time ago, before we met.

I was the headliner at a charity event downtown.

She took me out for dinner after the show and then we screwed each other in a subway car for four hours.

What the hell, man?

I always assumed that she...

That Jamie had mentioned.

Never. Mitzi?

I mean, I knew she'd been working her way through the music scene for a couple of years but I never realized...

Of course you realized!

You were a part of it.

Huh?

Halloween, Olatunde's house.

Jamie was going down on me in the bedroom, you came in and shoved your thumb up my...

(GASPS) You were the Tin Man!

No!

Jack Skellington?

No!

Sloth from The Goonies?

No!

How many people did I sleep with at this party?

I was The Count!

(IMITATES BELA LUGOSI) And you slept with one, two, three, four, five...

Five people at the party.

Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah...

(SIGHS)

Do you ever just feel like sex has become the modern handshake?

Yes.

But it's not modern.

You had sex with Bondurant?

Yeah.

Like a year ago, before we met.

He was playing for change on the subway downtown.

I took him for a hot meal, then we screwed on the train for four hour hours.

Why didn't you ever tell me?

I offered.

What? When?

I offered to tell you about everyone I've slept with, you said you didn't want to know.

Thought we were talking about people before me.

We were. It happened before we met.

And you think that's okay?

That I slept with people before we met?

You told me he was a friend of a friend.

He was.

You... You told me that a friend of a friend needed a...

A couch to crash for a couple of nights. You...

If he wanted to stay at my place, would that have been better?

How did you do it?

What?

What positions did you use?

I don't remember, it was like a year ago.

Did he get you off?

Is he... Is he better than me?

Jesus, William!

I don't know, okay? It... It was...

It was just...

What? Huh?

What was it just?

It was fun, William.

It was just fun.

It's so g*dd*mn miserable with me, huh?

Oh, of course not.

You don't think I could do that?

Just... Just screw you on a train, or at a party or whatever?

You're really asking me that?

I'm really asking.

Yeah.

Then, no, William.

I don't really think you're like that.

(SCOFFS)

Look, I have to get back to...

I knew this was a bad idea.

We can talk when I'm...

Right from the beginning, I knew this was a bad f*ckin' idea.

What are you talking about?

I'm talking about slumming it with you.

You know what people said when we started dating?

You know what they said about you?

Are you done now...

You got me at a low point, that's all.

You got me when... When I felt like sh*t.

When I couldn't help myself.

You weren't good, you weren't special, you weren't anything, you were just there.

Okay?

You think I care about you and Bondurant?

Think I give a f*ck about any of this?

I guess I was wrong.

You really are a lot of fun, William.

Mom.

Mom, where's Dad?

I don't know who you're referring to.

(GROANS)

Susan.

Where's your husband?

(GROANS)

(SIGHS)

(SIGHS) I'm in crisis, Dad.

Depression again?

I don't think so, but, it's getting harder to tell.

(SIGHS) I'm about to lose all my friends.

Forget 'em.

Can you just listen for a second?

Go.

There's this girl...

Uh-huh.

Turns out she had a past relationship with a friend of mine.

Susan!

Susan: What?

Bring the p*stol set.

What?

The p*stol set, Susan. Bring it to me!

Dad, I'm not gonna sh**t anyone.

Do you love this girl?

I... I mean...

Your grandfather loved a girl once.

She was engaged to marry a tailor.

So your grandfather challenged the man to a duel.

A duel?

That's incredible.

He demanded satisfaction.

And as soon as that tailor turned his back...

Bam!

He may not have been the bravest man.

That it?

sh*t a man in the back, how do you want me to spin that?

(SIGHS)

Forget it.

Sure you're not depressed?

I'm fine.

Because if I give these to you and you go blow your brains out, your mother is not gonna care.

Why would you tell me that?

How is that helpful?

It's not.

They d*ed an hour apart.

What?

Your grandparents.

They couldn't live without each other.

After 68 years of marriage, nine children, 32 grandchildren and one sweet deep-sea fishing boat.

Okay, I... I'm not sure what that...

Good things can come from ugly beginnings, William.

Lights.

Oh, yeah, right.

(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)

Man: You ever heard of the Three Christs of Ypsilanti?

What?

Yeah, it was this psychiatric case in the 1960s.

There were, like, three dudes who all claimed to be Christ and then some scientists brought them all together.

They wanted to document their reactions, right?

By the end of the experiment, each Christ came to the conclusion that the other two must have mental issues.

So each Jesus could, like, identify the insanity in the others, but then just not in himself.

That's right.

(expl*si*n SOUND)

I cheated on you with Mitzi.

Did you hear what I just said?

(EXHALES)

What's in the box?

Dueling pistols.

Saw your parents, huh?

Yeah.

I cheated on you...

I don't care.

You don't?

But...

I thought you were in love with me.

That's just something you say.

No, it's not.

(SIGHS)

I read this book recently, it said that we're not going to die.

Us, specifically, or...

Technology is going to advance so rapidly in the next 50 years that by the time we get to a good dying age, they'll have figured out how to, like, download us into new shells.

And then once people stop dying, well, that's when things are really going to take off, right?

Black holes, and time travel and parallel universes.

It'll all become just as commonplace as me and you sitting here smoking this dope.

And when that happens, William, you won't have cheated on me, because there won't be linear time. So, really, what's the use in getting all worked up about it now?

You read my book.

And it was really great.

But, I've been sitting here thinking about it and if I'm not gonna die, then there's just a lot that feels less important now.

So thanks for showing me that.

Roach?

No.

So are we, like, broken up then?

(SIGHS)

Hey, man, that's a pretty nice case you got there.

Thanks.

So how 'bout you hand it over?

Christ!

Go, go, go, go, go!

Faster! Jesus...

(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)

Oh, because I'm sure I'm the first guy to notice your issue with emotionality.

Yeah?

What's my issue with emotionality?

You lack it.

We could all just forget, you know?

Push it out of our minds. Choose a better version.

We do it with so much, why not here, why not this?

Because even I'm not that delusional.

But you could be.

We all could be.

I'm not saying it's a perfect fix but...

I love you guys, I want...

There's too much bad sh*t here.

Sometimes good things come from bad beginnings.

Thank you for that wildly reductive truism.

Then what's your solution?

Mitzi: There is no solution.

We burn the bridge.

And that's fine with you?

And you?

(SIGHS) Mitzi's pregnant. She tell you that?

Stop it, William.

Stop what?

If we're gonna burn this mother down, might as well do it right.

You don't know what you're talking about.

No, you don't know what you're talking about.

She's been emotional as sh*t lately.

She hasn't been smoking or drinking for months.

The smell of fish makes her gag and I...

I've seen her put an all-you-can-eat sushi joint into chapter seven.

You're just too self-absorbed to notice.

You're right, William.

I've been neglectful and inconsiderate and an all-around subpar boyfriend.

Perhaps that's part of the reason she's got rid of it.

She told me last weekend she was pregnant but she's not anymore.

Yes, I am.

What?

I'm so sorry.

When you blew up the moon for me, I wanted to...

Oh, I'm too tired to deal with this right now.

Bondurant, please.

Don't be at my place when I get there.

Yeah, like I f*cking would!

You know, I moved around a lot as a kid, different countries, different schools.

I got used to making friends, losing friends.

I actually thought this time was different.

That I'd finally found my people.

My lifers.

Does that make you naive or stupid?

It makes me sad.