03x03 - You're All Going to Diet

[bunniefuu]

Previously on The Last Man on Earth...

I just grazed him. I mean, Pat's gonna be fine. Right?

He dead.

Todd: Tandy, I k*lled someone.

Pat is alive.

Carol: Pat's come for us! But Tandy will save us.

Pat is dead!

What possible reason do you have to lie to us like this?

I k*lled him, didn't I?

That's the nicest thing anybody's ever done for me.

Carol: How'd you get rid of the boat?

Oh, my God.

He gone.

How could Pat be alive?

I mean, I did all the tests.

The breathing test.

The tickling test.

The kicking test.

And all of them came back positive for death.

Wait, so I-I didn't k*ll him?

Oh, no, you definitely k*lled him.

It's just, he may be alive now.

Tandy, there's a trail of blood here.

Unless you were fooling around with your sriracha sauce...

Oh, no, that's blood. (spits)

It looks like it leads to the beach.

Look.

(spits)

(gasping)

Look!

(spits)

Well, Pat clearly came down here to get to his boat.

Okay, we're not safe here. We need to leave.

What? The boat's gone. We're safe now.

How do we know he didn't sail off to get a bunch of new k*lling supplies?

Yeah, maybe he sent the boat off to make it look like he left, but he's actually here in Malibu somewhere.

Hell, that hairy old turd could be watching us right now.

Oh, my God, there he is!

(all screaming)

Look out!

(Tandy laughing)

Had to do it. BT... bad timing.

Idiot.

Look, you guys know that I'm known for my rational thinking, right?

I'm telling you, we're getting worked up over nothing here.

Pat lives his life in fear, huh?

And he thinks the virus is still around.

So, he's not planning some bloody rampage where he comes back to s*ab us in our hearts, or to decapitate us in our sleep, or to carrot-peel our bodies and then pour vinegar on the freshly exposed wounds, or to, like, you know, rip into our eyeballs with a razor.

Okay, okay, we get it. What's your point?

Pat's trying to get as far away from us as possible.

Okay? Hell, he's probably already in Hawaii, toes in the sand, inking up some jorts.

That's the Pat I know.

(chuckles) Pat... good guy...

(stammering): at times.

(Tandy stammering)

Bottom line: Pat's way more scared of us than we are of him.

He's not coming back.

No, I got to admit, I agree with Tandy.

I spent a lot of time with Pat, and he really is a very fearful person.

And he eats cat food.

That doesn't really have anything to do with anything, but it was just something weird that I remember.

But, yeah, I think he's probably gone.

Thank you, Lewis. (chuckles)

You knew him best, Lewis.

Maybe we're overthinking this.

Shall we head back to the house?

Yeah, I guess.

I could eat.

Yeah.

Okay.

This is the right move.

We're safe here.

Hey, bud.

What you got there?

Hey, yeah. I, uh... you know, I know people are a little uneasy about the whole Pat situation, so I have created a little makeshift alarm system.

Todd: (laughs) Neat.

Hey, you want a little taste?

Sure.

Hey, Carol! Come here!

Fish: ♪ Jeremiah was... ♪
♪ Jeremiah was a bullfrog ♪
♪ Jeremiah was a bullfrog ♪

(laughing): Wow!

Isn't this something! (gasps)

(laughing)

(overlapping singing continues)

What do you need, Tandy?

Just wanted to tell you you look wonderful today.

That kind of talk is grounds for a kiss.

Punishment accepted.

(laughing): I'm gonna give it to you.

Mmm.

♪ Jeremiah was a bullfrog ♪
♪ Jeremiah was a... ♪
♪ Was a good friend of mine ♪
♪ Jeremiah was a bullfrog ♪
♪ Never understood a single word he said ♪
♪ But I helped him drink his wine ♪

Mmm.

Mmm, mmm.

♪ Was a good friend of mine ♪

Mmm.

Oh.

Whew!

I'll be in the bedroom.

♪ Jeremiah, Jeremiah ♪

Look, I'm 100% sure that Pat's not coming back, but on the one percent chance he does, this is a good safeguard, you know?

And plus, it's a fun song, so it's a double blessing.

Sure.

Oh, my God, did you notice how Lewis just totally got my back on the whole staying in Malibu thing?

I did see that.

Oh, it's so nice to see him coming on over to Tandytown.

Well, let me tell you, I've been living there for a while, and the weather is fine.

Yeah, that's 'cause when you're there, there's always sunshine.

Let me give you a hand with these fish, huh?

Hey, why would I need a hand?

I got two of 'em already. Boom.

(laughing): I'd love your help.

Don't move!

Ah!

Oh, hey, Lewis!

Did I scare you?

Yes, very much so.

(chuckles)

Uh, what is this?

Just a little sn*per's nest.

Want to take a gander?

(sighs)

So, this is just your standard slit trench.

Or as you probably know it, spider hole.

Sure. Sure. Right.

Uh, this is my primary vantage point.

What do you think?

Love it. Yeah. Yeah.

Good, uh, vantage point.

Slits seem appropriately... slitty.

Good trench depth. Yep. Sure. Sure.

(whispering): Ooh, there's Erica.

So, let's imagine she's charging at us with evil intent.

Okay.

(Melissa imitates g*nsh*t)

Brain stem sh*t.

Brain stem sh*t?

Base of the brain. One sh*t, thr*at over.

And this nest here gives me, uh, great brain stem possibilities from every angle.

Okay.

Here, follow my finger.

All right.

Brain stem sh*t.

Brain stem sh*t.

Brain stem sh*t.

Brain stem sh*t.

Brain stem sh*t.

Oh. Hey, Erica!

I just sh*t you.

Oh! Oh, okay.

You were a bad guy.

It was a simulation. It was fun.

Glad I could, uh, be of help.

(yelling)

(screaming)

Hey-oh! (laughing)

Couldn't resist.

Got it out of my system. (laughing)

Just wanted to say, uh, great first day back at the house.

Uh, a-and by the way, let's all give Carol a hand for this amazing redesign. Huh?

Carol.

Carol: Oh...

Guys... stop it.

You know, it was just a classic "turn the frown upside down" deal.

Here, I'll show you.

Oh, so I took all the b*llet holes and I turned 'em into daisies.

Watch your back, Martha Stewart. Rest in peace.

And rather than get rid of all the angry messages, I thought maybe we should reclaim them, like, you know, how you turn sewage water into delicious drinking water.

So, instead of, "We're all going to die,"

I wrote, "We're all going to diet."

Tandy: Great idea, Carol. You know, I've been looking to shed some LBs, so, uh, that's gonna serve as constant motivation.

Yeah, well, I think you look great, Tandy.

(chuckling): Thanks, bud.

You got it.

Now, if I may have the floor for just a few more... huh, inadvertent rhyme there... uh, I've been, y-you know, thinking about some general safety measures that will protect you treasures... advertent rhyme.

Okay, um, are we allowed to boo throughout your little speech, or do you want us to just hold all our boos to the very end?

Yeah, probably at the end.

Okay.

Uh, anyway, to put everyone at ease, I've decided to give little self-defense lessons each night at dinner.

That's actually not a bad idea, Tandy.

Thank you, Lewis.

I... I actually need a volunteer.

Would you mind, uh, helping me out?

Um, sure.

Yeah.

All right.

Now, this is a Taser.

Wait a minute.

Uh... are you gonna tase me, Tandy?

No, I'm not gonna tase you, Lewis.

Okay, now just come at me like you're a m*rder*r. Okay?

(sighs) Okay. Okay, fine.

Um...

I'm a m*rder*r, I'm coming for you right now...

Okay, just... Lewis, come on, what are you, like, the friendliest m*rder*r of all time?

Get back there and act like a m*rder*r.

You want to m*rder me! You want to k*ll me!

I'm nervous that you're gonna tase me.

Lewis... trust me.

(yelling)

Okay, so you'd just press the button...

(Taser buzzing) Oh!

Tandy!

Oh, no! Tandy!

Oh, oh, oh, oh...

Oh, oh, oh.

Ooh...

Uh-oh. Still going.

(gasps)

Wait, what do I do? What do I do?

Try taking your finger off the button.

(buzzing stops) Oh.

Oh. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You just take your finger off the thing.

Uh, oh... God... sorry, bud.

Wow, this thing really works, huh?

Uh, somebody set a timer so we can see how long he's incapacitated.

(quivering)

You okay down there, bud?

(sighs) Okay, well, good first day.

Why don't we eat?

He can join in progress, right?

(quivering)

Hey. Oh, Tandy. Hi.

Take a look at this, huh?

What do you think?

I love it! What is it?

Oh, here, get on all fours and I'll show you.

All right.

Okay.

I trust you, here.

There's some point to this, sure.

This is so if anyone comes into the house, they will be unable to locate and m*rder the cow.

Wow.

I call it "cow-moo-flage."

(both laughing)

I love it. You could open a store.

I'd like to.

Hey, Carol?

You don't think that Lewis was upset that I tased him, do you?

No, I think he understood where from which you were coming.

You sure? 'Cause I noticed a look when I zotzed him.

That might have just been his body seizing.

I-I just really regret the way that I treated him.

And, uh, I don't know... just hope that one day, we can, you know...

You want to be his friend?

Yeah.

Well, your heart's in the right place.

Why don't you just ask him?

I'm so bad at these things.

You just speak from your heartmouth and you can't miss.

I'll do that.

♪ Jeremiah was a bullfrog ♪

Oh, God, do you think that's Pat?

Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh. Just follow me.

♪ Was a good friend of mine ♪
♪ Jeremiah was a bullfrog ♪

(shotgun cocks)

♪ Was a good friend of mine ♪
♪ Never understood a single word he said ♪
♪ But I helped him drink his wine ♪

(screaming)

(all screaming)

Oh!

Oh!

Erica, you put the fear of gosh in us!

Geez, guys, cool your jets.

I just had a bout of morning sickness.

(gags) Oh, don't say morning sickness.

(gagging): Oh, now I've got it.

Obviously, we need to do a better job at figuring out who is setting off our singing wall fishes.

Tap shoes?

And there's whistles in there, too.

So, I propose that when we walk around, we wear these tappers and we blow these whistles.

That way, when we hear our singing wall fish, but we don't hear this...

(whistle blowing)

(shoes tapping)

(whistle blowing, shoes tapping)

.. we'll know it's someone that needs to be terminated.

Okay. Well, I'm with you in theory.

But I guess my only problem is that I'm not gonna wear those frigging things, and y'all can suck it.

So, a maybe from Gail.

Okay, now, before you leave, FYI, I got a few extra Tasers and I placed them at what I like to call "tasing stations" throughout the house.

Th-They're all very well marked with these signs that, uh, Carol made.

I'm doing something similar, but with axes.

Uh, I didn't put up any signs or anything, but it's... basically just a bunch of axes around the house... pretty self-explanatory.

There's one over here.

So, what you do is you just take the a*, swing it through the person.

And then wipe off the blood and put it back in its station.

Speak from the heartmouth.

Speak from the heartmouth.

Oh, hey, Lewis!

Thank you so much for joining me here.

Uh, I'll get straight to the point.

Uh, you ever heard the story of the lion and the mouse?

Uh, yeah. I think so. It's been a long time.

Okay, well, then, why don't I give you a little refresher.

So, there was this fierce lion, he lived in a beautiful savannah.

He had many brothers and sisters... he was the middle lion of 11.

Uh, Freddy was his oldest sibling, then came Robert, and then Lewis, then Taylor...

Hey, Todd.

I've been thinking and I'm...

Shh...

Tandy's asking Lewis to be his friend.

Oh, Lord. Everyone's crazy.

And then there was Tabitha, and then Glendon, and the youngest sibling was called Mouse.

A weird name for a lion, and also a little confusing as an actual mouse figures prominently into this story.

Anyway, this mouse... not the lion named Mouse, but the actual mouse... was an only child, but married into a very large family.

His name was Tetracles and his wife was Patricia. Now, Patricia was one of 21 mouse children.

Their names, by height, were Debra, Daniel, Dorothy... all Ds... Dominic...

What's going on?

I have no idea why I'm watching this, but apparently Tandy is asking Lewis to be his little buddy.

Oh, my word, it's happening!

And then their mother, she had a brother Terry, who, uh, d*ed shortly after mousebirth.

Anyway, so this story has something to do with, you know, this mouse and this lion, and, you know, there's, like, a-a thorn in a foot. Right?

Uh, long story short...

Lewis, will you be my friend?

Uh... fine. Yeah.

Yes? Really?

(imitates expl*si*n)

(gasps) He said yes!

(squealing): He said yes!

Hey, bud, so you want to, uh, chuck around the pigskin?

Lewis: All right.

Tandy: Go out.

What are we doing?

Ah, nothing. Tandy and Lewis just became friends.

You know, I gave it my blessing. Whatever.

Wait, down on the beach?

Yeah.

Hey! No! (whistle blowing)

Oh, back to pass.

Oh, little high.

Oh!

Okay, so I think that most of us are aware by now, but, uh, Melissa has planted a series of land mines down here on the beach.

Yeah. That's normal.

I put up a warning.

Oh... it was in my pocket.

So, basically, I just decided to make the beach less of a hangout area and more of a protection zone.

So, there's a bunch over there.

A bunch over there.

That area has a few.

And then that area is loaded.

So... bunch, bunch, few, loaded.

Got it. Everybody got it?

Okay, this has gone on long enough.

Well, I think everyone should know where the land mines are, right?

No. I mean, what are we still doing here?

Okay, well, now I'm lost.

(stammering): We're down here on the beach, talking about where the land mines are.

Lewis: No.

I am saying, why are we staying here?

This beach is littered with land mines, a madman knows exactly where we are, this house is a complete disaster, and those fish... that song...

I mean, what are we doing?

We need to get out of here. This place is a nightmare!

Nightmare?

If anything, this place is a day-stallion!

Okay, but we can live literally anywhere in the world.

Lewis, it might be easy for you to just pack up and leave, 'cause you just got here, like, five days ago.

But we've been here for a long time.

This place is part of who we are, you know?

This is our home.

We've laughed here. We've cried here.

We've fallen in love, we've experienced the miracle of life and the pain of sickness. You know?

We've buried friends.

And somehow, against all odds, we became a family here.

It's gonna take a lot more than a couple friggin' land mines to make us leave it.

I would avoid that area.

Shh, shh, shh, shh.

It's nothing.

(fork clatters)

(screaming)

Sorry.

Oh, geez.

I'm gonna turn in.

(shoes tapping, whistle blowing)

(sighs)

(expl*si*n)

(gasping): Tandy!

(expl*si*n)

Oh, my God!

(car alarm blaring)

(whistle blowing)

(echoing): ♪ Jeremiah was a bullfrog ♪
♪ Was a good friend of mine ♪
♪ Never understood... ♪

(car alarm blaring)

What is happening?!

It's got to be Pat!

Oh, relax, it's not Pat!

Then who the hell is setting off those land mines?!

I don't know!

What are we gonna do?

(a*t*matic g*nf*re)

(screaming)

Hey!

(screaming)

(yelling)

No!

What are you doing?!

I don't know anymore!

(a*t*matic g*nf*re)

Who is sh**ting at us?

It's Melissa! She's not sh**ting at us!

Then who is she sh**ting at?

She doesn't know! She's sh**ting at random!

(screaming)

Oh, my God, we're all gonna die, aren't we?

Listen!

The tide came in, it triggered the land mines, the vibrations from the land mines triggered the car alarms! That's all!

Okay, see? I told you we're fine!

So, let's all just go back and get some sleep!

(explosions, a*t*matic g*nf*re)

(screaming)

My bad! I was laying some blanket fire, and one got away from me.

I can't live like this anymore!

Look, admittedly, we're working out the kinks.

But we'll get a handle on this!

No, I'm with Gail! It is not worth it!

Tandy, this is no way to live, man!

Guys, come on! There's nothing to fear but fear itself!

Did we learn nothing from Tony Robbins?

Lewis: All right!

I'm leaving tomorrow!

Anyone who wants is welcome to join me.

Count me in.

Me, too!

I'll go with you!

Tandy, we should go with them.

We can't just give up!

This is our home!

Tandy... we're friends, right?

You know that story you were telling me about the lion and the mouse?

Well, it ends with the mouse pulling the thorn out of the lion's foot.

I know you have a lot of memories here, but I think maybe it's time to pull the thorn out of the foot.

(expl*si*n in distance)

(shoes tapping)

♪ Jeremiah was a bullfrog... ♪

Good-bye, Billy.

♪ Jeremiah was a bullfrog... ♪

Good-bye, Billy.

♪ Jeremiah was a bullfrog... ♪

Good-bye, Billy.

♪ Jeremiah was a bullfrog... ♪

Good-bye, Billy.

Carol: I think I already know the answer to this, but I got to ask.

Can we bring Cher?

No, right?

Never mind. Delete.

(clicks tongue) Where to?

Hmm.

Guess we'll see.

(engine starts)

♪ Jeremiah was a bullfrog ♪
♪ Was a good friend of mine ♪
♪ I never understood a single word he said ♪

(expl*si*n)

♪ But I helped him drink his wine ♪