01x07 - Duke's Chorus

[bunniefuu]

I'm going home with you!

Oh.

Well, uh, today's not really good for a playdate, Morgan.

Oh, you have to. My mom said you were going to.

You don't have a ride home?

Was she counting on me to take you with us?

Uh-huh.

O... kay.

Well, just wait here, I guess.

I gotta go get Duke.

[engine starts]

♪ Mother, you had me ♪
♪ But I never had you ♪
♪ I wanted you ♪
♪ You didn't want me ♪

Hello. Trinity?

Hi, yes. Is this Samantha?

Oh, it's just Sam.

Uh, did you tell Morgan that we would take her home with us today?

Oh, could you? That would be great.

She said you already told her that I'm going to, so now she's expecting me to.

Is it a problem? I am nowhere near there.

So if I have to come, it's gonna be pretty difficult.

I'll have to rearrange my day.

Uh...

[sighs] Yeah, it's fine.

It's just... [sighs]

Can you please pick her up at my house, please, before six? Okay?

Six? Oh.

Well, you know what? That's fine.

I can make it work.

Oh, good.

That's great for me.

Thank you so much.

♪ Sunrise, sunset ♪
♪ Swiftly flow the years ♪
♪ Seedlings turn overnight to sunflowers ♪
♪ Blossoming even as they gaze ♪
♪ Sunrise, sunset ♪
♪ Sunrise, sunset ♪

Hi, Stoopie-foo! Did you have so much fun?

No. Mom?

What? Do you hate it?

I can tell. You wanna quit?

[sighs]

Okay, good, 'cause it's right in the middle of traffic anyway.

And you shouldn't come if you're not into it.

Also, I'm really excited you're quitting chorus.

Also, hi, I love you.

Also, Mormon Morgan's coming home with us.

Wait, what? No! You didn't even tell me.

I know! No one told me, either.

She and her mom trapped me into it.

Honey, I know the rules, but this was, like, a force majeure.

We're both screwed.

Sorry.

Well, hi.

Hi.

I'm Ned. Nellie says Duke's her favorite kid in chorus.

Dad!

That must be Duke, right? Your daughter.

Uh, yeah. Hi, I'm Sam.

You're tall.

[chuckles] Yeah.

Well, I think a playdate is in order.

No.

Yes, that would be...

Well, I have a free afternoon now.

If you want me to take Duke home, you could pick her up later.

Oh, sh*t cock!

You know, I can't, because otherwise I'd be alone with her Mormon friend Morgan, who we both hate.

Um, we have prior commitments, unfortunately.

Okay, so another time.

Yeah. Duke?

Duke! Duke.

Come here.

Are you excited to have a playdate with Nellie?

Don't you wanna have Nellie over to our house to play sometime?

Uh-oh, looks like the feeling's not mutual.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

She's just r*cist.

[laughs]

♪ I got a beautiful feeling ♪
♪ Everything's going my way ♪
♪ There's a bright golden ♪

I love singing. I get to sing in my church.

Really? Wow. You like church?

Yeah, you're supposed to love church.

Also, the singing is good, and I'm getting really good at it.

Mom, Morgan says that her church is really great.

Did you know that Mormons are really into music?

No, honey, I didn't.

Did you know that Mormons are really into hating gay people?

Mom, don't!

What?

Well...

Be nice.

Kind of they do.

Not kind of.

Sam: Hi.

Trinity: Hello.

Oh, Come on in.

Hi, Morgan. What are you wearing?

Hi, Mom. We're pretending the Grammys, and like we're on the red carpet.

She won Album of the Year.

Okay. Please take that off now.

We have to get home.

Well, I thought it was pretty cool that she won Album of the Year.

Yay!

So, um, are you guys going to the evening event?

No, we don't got to those.

Why not?

Well, we don't drink or gamble.

No hot drinks or caffeine.

Oh, bummer.

Well, you could always drink air and eat paper?

[chuckles]

Anyway, Wednesday is family night.

Oh, that's nice.

What do you guys do for family night?

We just stay in, and we all cook together, and we watch CSI.

You let Morgan watch CSI?

It's based on real-life stories.

No, totally. Duke?

Tits out for the boys!

Tits out for the boys! Tits out for the boys!

Morgan!

Sorry, Mom.

Oh, that's from a show. It's just silly fun.

I didn't show them the show.

Mom, Duke says she wants to come to church with us.

Oh, sure.

Mom, you have to come, too.

What?

Oh, sure! Everyone is welcome.

Yeah, you should come this Sunday.

Oh, Sunday we have a...

Frankie: We don't have anything, Mom. Don't lie.

That sounds great. Just text my mom the data points, and we'll see you on Sunday.

Great! See you all then. [chuckles]

Fun.

Okay.

Well, good night.

Okay.

Bye.

Bye.

Bye.

[door slams]

k*ll you.

I love you too, Mom.

[phone buzzing]

[sighs]

Hello?

Lyft isn't working.

Yep. I disabled the account.

Why?

Because, honey, you abused it.

Last month's Lyft bill was, like, $500.

So? That's not just me, Mom!

Honey, take a bus.

Oh, my God, Mom. I hate you.

Max, do you understand that every time you say "I hate you" to me, it doesn't mean anything anymore?

It, like, loses its sting, honey.

No, seriously, Mom, I hate you.

See? It just keeps getting less and less powerful every time you say it.

If you really wanna upset me, you gotta come up with something new.

Okay, well, how about this?

You're short, and you're getting old.

Okay. Good one.

[sighs]

Hello? Anybody?

Mormon Jesus? Anyone?

Just...

[phone buzzing]

[sighs]

Mom, please come pick me up.

I'm sorry I said that.

Why would I do that?

It's getting dark, Mom. I could get r*ped.

[sighs]

Max.

Max.

Hey.

Hi, Sam.

Hi, Defiance.

Where's my Max?

She's over there, I think.

Okay. Thank you. Say hi to your mom.

Okay.

Max!

Get off of the boy and come with me right now!

[sighs]

Max!

You wanted me to see that.

See what?

Max, what is it?

What did I do?

Tell me what you want me to do.

It's like you're fighting me every second.

And I don't even know what surrender looks like.

And I don't want this.

I really don't.

So tell me what you want me to do.

I'm trying... and it hurts me that you're not.

Oh, my God, Mom! Don't start crying!

Jesus!

What?

Yeah, it's like you said earlier on the phone, Mom, about me saying I hate you.

Yeah, well, same with you crying.

You're wearing it out.

So if there's no Lyft anymore, how am I getting to band practice on Sunday?

Hmm?

You're not.

What do you mean?

Because on Sunday, you're going to church with me and your sisters.

Okay?

Oh, okay, right.

Yeah.

Mm-hmm.

Going to church.

I didn't even know there was a church in here.

Oh, we don't really have churches.

We have meeting houses.

We share the space with an Episcopal brotherhood.

Oh.

Yeah.

It's very different from a lot of religions you might compare it to.

The bishop who's running the service isn't any different from any other member.

He's just the one who leads the service.

Uh, nobody really works for the Mormon church full time.

We all do it together.

Oh, Good morning, Bishop Allen.

Sam, this is my husband Mark.

Oh, hi.

How you doing? Nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you. This is my daughter Max.

Hmm.

Well, not really dressed for church, are we?

Shall we?

Hmm.

That's your husband?

[sighs] Yep.

All right.

Where's, like, the big cross?

We don't believe in having crosses.

Oh.

It's disrespectful to see where our father rested.

Why? Because he had nails and stuff in his hands and feet?

No offense.

We don't like to see him in pain.

Oh, I just thought there was always a Jesus on a cross in a church.

This is the way. We keep him off of it.

We don't need the reminders.

Oh, my God.

[spits]

Shh.

[knocks]

Hello?

Hello.

Man: Good morning. Good morning, everyone.

That's the one my sister's supposed to marry.

What?

And that's the one my other sister's going to marry.

Oh.

We're not gonna live our full lives.

What do you mean?

Well, He is coming.

Who?

The Lord, silly.

But why?

Can't we keep being alive even if the Jesus is coming?

Nope.

Oh, my God.

[spits]

Mom?

[mouths words]

♪ How firm a foundation ♪
♪ Ye saints of the Lord ♪
♪ Is laid for your faith ♪
♪ In your excellent word ♪
♪ What more can He say ♪
♪ Than to you He hath said ♪
♪ Who unto the Savior ♪
♪ Who unto the Savior ♪

[inaudible chatter]

[kids playing]

[huffs]

So that was...

Boring?

Yeah. [chuckles]

Sorry you were bored, Sam.

You sure did seem uncomfortable.

One would think that you went in with all kinds of preconceived notions about what a Mormon is, and that you held on to them no matter what you saw.

Oh, my God, Trinity. I don't have anything against...

I mean, besides the fact that Mormons hate gays and black people.

That's...

That's ignorant and cheap.

Those are my two middle names. I don't care.

You're very judgmental.

And you're not?

Okay. I can be sometimes.

Yes, you can.

I feel you judging me and my girls all the time.

Okay, that's fair.

Well, maybe at times, some judging is in order.

Look at your oldest... Max?

What about her?

You think that's okay?

No, Trinity, I don't think that my teenaged daughter is okay, okay?

None of that is okay.

But wait until Morgan gets to be her age.

The problem with you church people is that you like to pretend that sh*t isn't the way it is.

And, like, that's gonna fix it?

That's a teenager, and, yeah, she's a mess.

And I'm failing completely.

And I don't need God or Jesus or you to tell me that.

And by the way, you wanna judge me?

How about you dumping your daughter on me on Friday without any warning, and then when I call you, you don't say sorry or even acknowledge the bullshit passive-aggressive power play you pulled on me, okay?

And whatever, Trinity.

But courtesy is something that you owe everyone, and you owe a lot.

I'm really sorry. I'm really sorry.

Oh, sh*t. What?

I'm sorry. I was gonna call you.

I was.

Trinity, it's not a big deal.

I was just titting your tat over here.

Friday was the worst day.

It was?

What happened?

What happened Friday, Trinity?

I was... I was at a meeting with Mark and the church leader.

Our marriage is not good.

Oh. Sure.

Sam?

sh*t.

sh*t?

Yes.

I envy you.

Being a Mormon, it's just about impossible to get a divorce.

There's all this pressure to make it work.

We have to keep up a f*cking front.

Uh-oh. I like this Trinity.

And he's so hateful.

We're both cheating, but somehow it's just me.

God.

And Morgan is so demanding.

And she has all kind of issues and...

I can't do it.

Honey, it's okay.

It's okay.

I can't do it, either.

You don't have to do it. You don't have to.

You just...

You get up and you do your best.

Trinity.

Hmm?

Dude.

[sighs]

Well, that proves it.

What?

There is no God.

Yeah.

He would have been there today.

[chuckles]

I'm so tired.

Was that so much fun?

Yeah.

Did you have a good time with Morgan?

Yeah.

See? Remember?

We didn't even wanna have a playdate with her, and look how nice.

You made a new friend even.

Yup.

So, like, maybe we should be more open about who, uh, we have playdates with.

Like, you know, what about that girl Nellie?

What?

I think it would be nice to have Nellie over.

Who's Nellie?

The girl from chorus, honey.

Which girl?

The black one, baby.

The one who asked you for a playdate on Friday.

No, they didn't. Her dad did.

No, he asked for her.

No, he didn't. He asked 'cause he likes you.

I'm tired.

What?

Wait. Why did you say that?

About what?

About Nellie's dad?

I don't know. Can I have my pet in bed?

No, Honey.

Honey?

What?

Where's your school roster?

I don't know.

You probably have one in your backpack. Where's your backpack?

Mom, you said my backpack is private.

Private!

I'm sorry.

Are you getting your period or what?

Wash your hands.

[footsteps departing]

[phone ringing]

Honey, can you go play in your room for a minute?

[sighs]

Quickly.

[ringing continues]

Sam. Hi. I'm really glad you called.

Really?

Yeah.

Can I just say I love you?

You're great. Thanks for coming today.

I've been feeling so much better.

Oh, man, you're so welcome.

You doing okay?

Um, wiped out.

I can't believe that tomorrow's Monday morning.

Yeah.

Hey, do you have the school roster?

Why?

Oh, well, you know, um, I want to get in touch with, um, that girl, uh, Nellie.

Yes. Nellie.

Yeah. Do you have her mom's number?

Oh, her mom d*ed.

Oh.

That's... Well...

Her dad?

You met her dad?

Oh, yeah.

Um, yeah, we met after chorus, and he tried to make a playdate, and...

I'll text you Ned's number.

Oh, okay.

Sure.

Sam?

Yeah?

Ned is very generous.

What?

With his cock.

I'm not saying don't.

I'm saying go ahead. I'm trying to save you time.

Just so you know, he's really fun, and he's good at going back to normal.

[clears throat]

Okay.

Thanks.

Sure. Bye.