03x02 - Food Fight

[bunniefuu]

Can I have some of your fries?

What do you have to trade?

A bite of my kale Caesar salad?

Kale. Caesar. Salad.

Not a chance.

First day back at work.

Thank you for walking me, Felix.

Of course, you've been in London for three months.

I didn't want you to look the wrong way before stepping off the curb and getting your pwetty wittle head cwushed by a bus.

Aww.

Oscar, can I have your tomato?

Sure.

Oops!

I missed.

And that's how it's done.

I didn't want to have to do this, guys, but...

Mine, mine, mine, mine, mine, mine, mine, mine, mine, mine, mine, mine.

Well, I see that nothing's changed.

Must be so hard to come back to being a waitress after spending so much time pursuing your passion.

This job is perfect for me right now.

The hours are good, and it's never busy.

So I can save all of my energy for my jewelry business.

That is an excellent rationaliza... realization.

Oh, hey, Maureen, I'm back!

You were gone?

Ah, Oscar Madison!

My favorite customer!

You fry it, he'll eat it.

Well, it's your fault, Freddie.

You've got the best French fries in the city.

The secret is we haven't changed the oil in 30 years.

(laughter)

I love that you think I'm kidding.

Anyway, enjoy 'em while you can.

I'm thinking of closing this place.

Why are you thinking that?

Don't think that!

That's not a thought to have!

Well, the broiler's on the fritz, the freezer's on its last legs.

I got to decide whether it's worth sinking more money into this place or just calling it a day.

Well, you can't close Langford's!

It's my home away from home!

This is my lucky pick-up table, there's my make-out corner, and everyone knows my dumping table.

And I've had so many first dates here.

So many.

I celebrated my tenth wedding anniversary here.

Man, my wife was mad when I got home.

Well, of course if any of you clowns has 20 grand lying around for upgrades...

Ah, I'm kidding.

If you did, you wouldn't be eating here.

♪

(humming)

Oscar, why are you in a suit?

I wanted to raise some money to save Langford's, so I went down to the bank and asked for a loan.

(howling laugh)

That's what they said.

So I guess that's it.

My favorite hangout spot, Langford's, will be no more.

May she rest in grease.

I'm sorry, Oscar.

I know how much that place means to you.

I just wish I knew someone with the money to put into a rock-solid investment.

A hero who's willing to swoop in and save the day.

And not just for me.

Think of your dear sweetheart girlfriend, Emily.

She'll be out of a job.

I mean sure she's got that red hot jewelry business to fall back on.

Are you finished?

Can I be?

Okay, so when I first heard about the Langford's situation, I must admit, I was a tad intrigued.

Can I tell you a secret?

Safe space.

I have always thought about dipping my toe in the restaurant "biz."

Ever since the third grade, when I served my classmates a perfectly fired white chocolate crème brulée.

Was it a hit?

Let's just say, there were no atomic wedgies for Felix that day.

So investing in a restaurant would kind of be like your dream come true.

Well, I was thinking about something more upscale, but it could be a start, yes.

It could be.

Felix Unger, restaurateur!

I like the sound of that!

You can't not do it!

I cannot not!

You know what I'm going to do?

I'm going to call the bank and laugh at them.

This is going to be great.

English.

Representative.

I have to say, when you agreed to kick in to upgrade the kitchen, I didn't expect this.

Well, when you get into business with Felix Unger, you get Felix Unger in your business.

So, the table bottoms have been de-gummed, the ketchup bottles have been de-crusted, and now I'm off to repaint the men's room, which has become a veritable museum of graffiti penises.

Well, thanks, Felix.

I feel like a weight's been lifted off my shoulder.

As a matter of fact, I'm taking the weekend off, I'm going to visit my daughter.

How nice.

Yeah, she went to an all-you-can-eat sushi buffet and her lap band finally gave.

Eel everywhere.

While I have you, would you mind if I correct a few spelling errors on the menu?

I'm assuming you didn't mean to say "jalapeño poopers."

Clearly, you've never tried them.

But, sure, correct away.

And would you mind if I tweaked the menu a little bit for tonight?

You see, I've invited some of my foodie friends for dinner, and I'd like the specials to be really special.

Whatever you want, Felix.

Whatever I want.

You know what?

Before you repaint the bathroom, there's a phone number I want to write down.

A hearty bison stew with rosemary dumplings and a dollop of crème fraiche.

Lady and gentlemen, I give you pub food, elevated.

Bon appétit!

Who are those nerds?

They're just Felix's annoying foodie friends.

They keep saying stuff like "organically grown" and "farm-to-table."

I'd like to serve them some fist-to-face.

They seem intrigued, but we cannot become complacent.

Emily, keep their wine glasses full.

Maureen, remember, you're never fully dressed without a...

Bra?

No... well, yes, let's remember that for tomorrow.

Emily?

A smile.

Exactly.

So might we see one of those from you tonight, Maureen?

Usually the corners go up just a bit more in a traditional human smile.

(gasps) Felix, look!

They're taking pictures of their food!

They're taking pictures of their food.

I didn't take that many photos when I went to China.

And I saw a panda riding a Big Wheel.

All right, lay off.

Felix is having fun.

And that's a small price to pay for him keeping Langford's open.

Now if you'll excuse me, I've got a freshly painted bathroom stall... to weiner.

I gotta hand it to you, Felix.

Last night you were a real groin pull, but tonight this place is jumping.

Exciting, isn't it?

And now would you show this lovely couple to table number seven, please?

Right this way.

Whoa, whoo, this place is packed.

Did somebody see the face of Jesus on a quesadilla?

My friend Balthazar tweeted a glowing review of his epicurean experience, and it reverberated through the gastronomic blog-o-sphere like wildfire!

Can you believe it?

Believe it?

I don't even understand it.

I'm living my dream, Oscar.

I'm living my dream!

You're not us.

It's okay, Oscar.

We can sit at the bar.

But my booth...

My booth...

Can we get three drafts?

Actually, Mr. Unger replaced our regular keg with an artisanal hard cider.

Cider?

What are we on, a freaking hay ride?

And where's the hockey game?

Why are all the TVs off?

Oh, Felix thinks they're a distraction.

He wants the customers to talk to each other.

Ugh... I don't want to talk to you.

Why would he? That's crazy!

You're complaining?

Felix has been running me ragged.

I haven't had a break in four hours.

Unless you count weeping out by the dumpster.

French fries, you'll never let me down.

No, no, no!

Felix, Felix!

What did you do to the fries?!

Aren't they divine?

I finally changed the oil in the fryer.

You changed the beer, then you changed the fries, and I don't know what it smells like in here, but it certainly isn't urine!

You've ruined Langford's!

Ruined it?

I've saved it from ruin, exactly as you asked me to.

I asked you to write a check, not Felix it all up!

He's got Maureen wearing a bra.

Monster!

Well, I do not have time for your ingratitude.

As you can see, I have customers waiting.

Fine, they can have our seats.

Dani, Teddy, come on.

And anybody who wants to watch the game at my place, follow me!

Fine! Go!

And don't think I don't know you're the one that graffiti-ed my freshly painted restroom!

I would recognize your weiner anywhere!

Bon appétit.

(cheering)

My man Carmelo!

Mmm, I would climb him like a redwood.

What'd we miss?

Knicks are back up.

And Dani needs a boyfriend.

(knock at door)

This where the game's on?

Dirty t-shirt, big beer belly guy... welcome home.

(quietly): We're really bringing in quite a crowd.

I put a post on Facebook telling real Langford's regulars to come up here.

Oh, that's a great idea.

I actually do have a background in marketing.

Wayne, I don't need your life story, man.

This is all we need, right?

We have beer, chips, sports on TV, just like Langford's.

(sighing): Yeah, I guess so.

Just I have so many memories there.

That's where I met my wife, signed my first contract, drowned my sorrows after my divorce.

Wow, there are a lot of people here.

Yeah, you off for the night?

Yeah, I was going to work on my website, but thanks to Felix, I'm too tired.

I have to keep reminding myself I am a jewelry designer, not a waitress.

Mm-hmm.

Hey, Emily, if you're going to the kitchen, I could use a beer.

Yep.

We could use a refill on the chips.

Oh, okay.

Yeah, I'll have a scotch and soda.

Vodka rocks?

Hang on, let me write this down.

Hey...

Welcome.

Beer's in the fridge, crapper's down the hall.

Don't forget to sign up for the basketball tournament.

What basketball tournament?

Ow!

Norman: Keg party!

This is going to be great.

Yeah, and when it's empty, we can roll it down the staircase and play Donkey Kong.

Oscar, who are all these people?

These are Langford's regulars who hate what you've done with the place.

Yeah, Mr. Madison filled me in.

Uncool, Unger, uncool.

Norman, as a building employee you should have denied this riff-raff access to the premises.

It's my day off.

Then why are you in uniform?

Chicks dig it.

Oscar, I am exhausted, and you don't even know half of these people!

What are you talking about?

These are my friends.

Teddy...

Blue hat guy...

Sally Big Boobs...

And Asian Mr. T.

Oscar, you're acting childish.

Ow!

Okay, you were in trouble and I stepped in and helped you, like I always do.

But do I get any gratitude?

For what?

Every time I find something I like, you swoop in and improve the fun out of it.

First you moved in, then you banned cigar smoke, and spitting, and kitchen nudity.

You were using a panini press.

It was for your own safety.

And now you're doing it with Langford's.

You took my home away, now you're taking my home away from home...

...away.

This is ridiculous.

Oscar, I want these people out of here!

No, they're staying.

In fact, we're doing this again tomorrow night.

And every night after that!

(cheers and applause)

We could call it Langford's North.

Langford's North, I like it!

Well, branding was sort of my specialty.

Wayne, seriously, stop it.

I do not have time for this tomfoolery.

I'm going to bed!

It's mine now, now I keep it.

Okay, okay, take 'em all.

Morning, Dani.

I would help you clean up, but I'm refusing based on principle.

There's a tortilla chip by the table right there if you...

Wanted to make sure you saw it.

Yeah, I see it.

I see it.

Felix, can't you and Oscar settle this?

It's been four days.

Look what it's doing to your friendship.

I didn't mean to upset him.

He's my best friend.

You know, one of you is going to have to be the bigger person.

And I think we both know who the bigger person is.

I suppose we could find some compromise.

I could turn the TVs back on, or serve a... domestic beer.

Felix: Oscar, could we talk for a moment?

Not now. I gotta unload my supplies.

Corn chips, naked lady swizzle sticks, all we need for a wild night at Langford's North, a division of OscarCorp.

Well, I've been thinking about some of the changes that I made down at Langford's.

Yes, I've been thinking, too.

And we would like to use your bathroom as the men's room.

Mind if I install a urine trough?

You wouldn't dare!

I don't have much of a choice, do I?

Well, then neither do I!

And now if you'll excuse me, I have discerning palates to sate!

I hate it when he talks like a book.

I know.

But think about it from his side.

I mean, he's getting to live out a fantasy.

And remember, he did this to help you.

I know.

It's not like I enjoy having people trash my apartment every night.

That's supposed to be my job.

Well, one of you is gonna have to be the bigger person, and I think we both know who the bigger person is.

It's me, right?

Of course it is.

Hey, Felix, can you talk for a second?

Sorry, no, I've got to get these supplies down to Langford's.

Elderberries for our new signature cocktail.

A Terence Trent D'Arby CD for atmosphere.

And truffle oil.

For the fries.

Monster!

Oh, Emily!

Problem.

The swan is our weekend napkin.

Weekdays are rabbits.

Does somebody need another copy of the napkin calendar?

Felix, we have to talk, okay?

For the past four days...

Freddie: Is that Unger?!

Grab him!

Don't let him leave!

Got him, Chief!

What did you do?!

What do you mean?

Maureen, let go!

You've got gorilla strength.

I was gone three days.

The restaurant lost $3,200!

What are you talking about? The place was packed!

You spent too much on your fancy ingredients.

Bison?

Truffles?

I lost money on everything that came out of that kitchen.

The crowd that I was trying to cater to...

That's another thing!

Your crowd doesn't drink enough.

They're too pleased with their lives.

I want sad bastards with drinking problems!

I'm so sorry, Felix.

It's such a bummer to have to go back to paper napkins and me having time and energy to pursue my passions and whatnot.

Darn it!

I'm sure that we could find some sort of compromise...

Buhp-buhp!

From now on, you are a silent investor.

Do you understand?

I just wanted to...

Buhp!

Silent!

First my daughter explodes and now this.

(knocking)

Norman, you're here early.

Yeah, actually, I've got some bad news.

Mr. and Mrs. Kim downstairs complained about the crowds and the noise and someone dropping a potted plant onto their balcony.

That was you.

You did that.

You, me, either way, I gotta shut you down.

I'm afraid it's the end of Langford's North.

I'm sorry, Oscar.

Mr. Rogers.

Captain Kangaroo.

Felix, you will be happy to know that Oscar...

Dani, Dani, Dani, Dani!

You will be happy to know that I have decided to close down Langford's North for good.

For you!

I mean, you live here too, and you can't be unhappy where you live.

So, you're welcome.

That is such a coincidence because we were...

Because...

I was just coming to tell you that I am stepping away from Langford's.

Was I a stunning success?

Yes.

Does it matter if it makes you unhappy?

No, not a whit.

Well, that is a great reaction to the grand gesture that I made... first.

Not that it's important, but that is the order in which it went.

Why are we even arguing?

We'll never know who went first, or who thought of their thing in the elevator before they even came in here and you said your thing, so...

Yeah, I mean, who cares who thought of it first?

The important thing is that it was me.

How do you work for him?

How do you sleep with him?

I'm sorry, Oscar.

You know I get carried away.

Yeah, I'm sorry, too.

I didn't mean to call you a fun-k*ller.

You were just trying to help me out.

(knocking)

Let's get our drink on!

Sorry, guys, Langford's North is closed for good.

(groaning)

Wait, Oscar.

Why don't you do it one last time?

Really?

Why not?

(cheering)

I'll order pizza!

No, no, no, no, no, pizza is so pedestrian.

I know a hot new Ethiopian place that does a marvelous yesiga fit-fit.

Pizza it is.

So, Felix, we're good?

No hard feelings?

Of course.

Actually, it was exhausting maintaining such a high standard of excellence.

Well, those days are long gone.

Here they are... the first batch out of the fryer.

(crunching)

Nice, greasy texture.

I'm getting notes of smoke...

...and a hint of potato.

Yep, the fries are back!

(cheering)

Fred, how do you do it?

I got lucky.

I found the old oil in a 50-gallon drum back in the alley.

I didn't leave it there.

I took it straight to the recycling center.

Hm.

So where did this oil come from?

Who gives a crap?

It's delicious!