04x05 - Scoundrels

[bunniefuu]

So Charles Ponzi goes, I come from Italy. I try to make-a money, but they tell me I can't make-a money here. Hey, this looks very [bleep] fishy.

Does that make any [bleep] sense?

Sadie is just head-butting them in the stomach.

I'm Sadie the Goat!

(Laughs)

Lord Gordon-Gordon was a con man. He's [bleep] stealing from me!

(Yells)

(Patriotic music)

♪♪

(Brooding music)

I'd like to present you with some sh*ts.

Cheers to scoundrels.

Scoundrels.

To scoundrels.

What was the big scam? Like, um...

Biggest scam ever growing up? Um...

"Blame It on the Rain," who are those [bleep]... Milli Vanilli.

I still to this day, love those songs.

They, like, ten...

But it's not their...

Yeah, right.

"Blame It on the Rain."

"Blame in on the Rain." He's... lip... he's lip syncing in heaven.

Never forget.

Never gonna.

Hello, I'm Chris Romano, and today we're gonna be talking about the man who Di... hello, I'm Chris Romano, and we're... toda... hello, everybody.

I'm Chris Romano, and today we're gonna be talking about the man who brought down the Ponzi schemes, William McMasters!

(Orchestral music)

So in 1919, Charles Ponzi the Italian immigrant arrived in the United States. (Laughing) So he gets to Boston, and he's like, man, what am I gonna do in Boston?

I love the city, but I need to make the money!

Right? So he goes, uh, what can I do? I'm... a... I'm not a good person. I... I love money. Um. I got it. [Bleep] stamps.

(Laughs)

So Charles Ponzi creates the Securities Exchange Company.

So he goes, I'm gonna tell people that I...

I'm going to invest their money in, uh, postal coupons.

So he gets these [bleep] idiots in Boston to go like, here, here's a hundred bucks. Go get me some [bleep] stamps.

This is gonna be great.

I'm gonna be a millionaire from stamps?

It's f... yeah, let's do this.

So people started giving him money.

He gets person after person after person.

So Charles Ponzi never bought any stamps.

He was just like, I'm just giving people money from other people's money.

I'm giving the person who gave me the money the second to the money who gave him... to the people who gave me money the first time.

I'm giving people money who gave me the money the third time, giving them the money for the second time.

Does that make any [bleep] sense?

(Laughs)

Sì, sì, sì.

So eventually the editor of "The Boston Post,"

Richard Grozier was like, this sounds crazy.

We're gonna write a story about it.

So the editors of "The Boston Post" are like, "To who it may concern, All you idiots in Boston who are buying these stamps, You're morons. This is a con. Charles Ponzi is scheming you."

The next day, Charles Ponzi opens up this giant paper and goes, holy sh*t.

These mother[bleep] are onto me.

He goes, I know what I'm gonna [bleep] do.

I'm gonna get a [bleep] publicist, and I'm gonna [bleep] refute all these [bleep] charges.

Guess what. I'm hiring a guy named William McMasters.

So William McMasters comes in and goes, all right, I'll sit down with you.

He sits down with Charles Ponzi and Charles Ponzi goes, I come from Italy. I try to make-a money.

They tell me I can't make-a money here.

And he's like, don't you [bleep] worry about it.

William McMasters is on the [bleep] case now.

So William McMasters goes to the [bleep] "Boston Post" and goes, guess what, you mother[bleep].

I'ma invite you down here tomorrow.

And I'm gonna show you that Charles Ponzi's the real [bleep] deal.

The next day, "The Boston Post" comes in to write an article about Ponzi.

And Ponzi charms the pants off "The Boston Post".

And they, in return, write a very favorable article about Ponzi and his, um, Ponzi, um,

Ponzi. (Laughs)

(Laughs)

I'm trying...

Then... and... and... and the next day, there's a [bleep] line around the block.

In that one day, Charles Ponzi makes $3 million.

William McMasters sees that and goes, hey, this looks very [bleep] fishy.

So he decides to investigate more as what's happening.

So eventually, William McMasters is going like, oh, [bleep].

I think that the [bleep] "Boston Post" was right.

This is all a scheme.

So he says to Charles Ponzi, hey, I got a [bleep] great idea.

I'm gonna [bleep] get the [bleep] Boston district attorney's office down here tomorrow because I think that you're the [bleep] real deal.

And I think you should show them you're the real deal so they can [bleep] leave you alone.

And Ponzi's like, that's why I hired you, McMasters.

You're the [bleep] man.

Thank you, a-so much... (Laughs)

Thank you so much.

William McMasters only worked for [bleep] Ponzi for ten days, and in those ten days, he figured out that Ponzi was a [bleep] scam artist.

The district attorney's office gets there, and they start to interrogate him.

They go, we know that, uh, you're not [bleep] getting the [bleep] coupons from [bleep] Italy.

He... he... he reflects all their questions, says, look, I can't give you the details about my investments 'cause I don't want to give the... the big banks of Wall Street my secrets.

Charles Ponzi convinces the [bleep] dis...

Boston district attorney's office and the attorney general's office so much that he's doing nothing wrong that as... on their way out, one of the district attorney's office little minions says to [bleep] Charles Ponzi, if all this sh*t is true, you're the most successful Italian-American to ever come to America.

And Charles Ponzi says, me?

I think you're forgetting about Christopher Columbus.

And the [bleep] minion goes, like, oh, sh*t, yeah, [bleep] good one.

And he walks out the [bleep] door.

After the [bleep] meeting, Charles Ponzi knows exactly what William McMackster...

William McMaster was trying to do, You tried to [bleep]-a get me.

I get you fired.

You're gone.

Greg Masters is like, I'm about to break open the biggest postal coupon case in the history of Boston!

William McMasters goes to Richard Grozier, he goes again and says, you need to [bleep] write an article about this mother[bleep].

He is trying to [bleep] scam everybody.

You need to [bleep] write an article about him to expose him.

And meanwhile, Charles Ponzi's going like, holy sh*t.

I got a [bleep] line out the door now after everybody [bleep] found out about this [bleep] meeting with the [bleep] attorney general and the... and the [bleep] district attorney.

Everybody wants their [bleep] money back.

(Dramatic music)

And he's goes, oh, no.

I don't have enough money to pay everybody.

So he starts walking down a line, going like, here's your money.

Thank you very much for all the [bleep] money for the coupons.

Here's your [bleep] money.

Thank you so much for all the [bleep] money for the [bleep] g*dd*mn coupons.

Here's your [bleep] money.

Here's all the money for the [bleep] coupons.

Looks at his [bleep] hand goes, all right, well, uh, that's about all the money I got.

The rest to you, thank you so much for coming here.

I don't have any more [bleep] money left.

Goes, [bleep] leaves, [bleep] takes off.

That's when the [bleep] "Boston Post" goes, holy sh*t. You were [bleep] right.

The next day, "The Boston Post" runs a giant article.

And Richard Gross takes all the credit and never mentions William McMasters at all.

And they end up winning the [bleep] Pulitzer Prize for it.

And William McMasters' name is forgotten in the... in this case, the Ponzi scheme.

The saddest story in the history of Italian-Americans, besides "Rocky III."

(Laughter)

Stay tuned for more "Drunk History".

You're not gonna believe what you see, but you're gonna believe what you hear.

(Chuckling)

Oh.

This is Name That Song.

'Kay.

It's exactly the right note, by the way.

Oh, are you saying you have perfect pitch, Derek Waters?

Pretty much.

(Scoffs)

All right, ready?

♪ Baby! ♪
♪ Na-na Na-na Na-na, kissed by a rose ♪

Whoa!

How'd you know that?

I'm extremely talented.

(Laughter)

Hello, I'm Hillary Anne Matthews.

And today we're going to talk about Sadie Farrell, AKA Sadie the Goat.

(Dramatic music)

So the year is 1860-ish.

We're in Manhattan, in the Lower East Side, which is a grizzly locale.

So Sadie pitched a male accomplice.

And she was like, hey, dude, what if a guy comes out of a bar and I will run up to him and just head-butt him in the stomach and disorient him?

And he was like, cool.

I will take a slingshot and from a distance, knock him out.

And that's how she earned the nickname "Sadie the Goat."

Because news flash, goats head-butt things.

And Sadie is just running at them and head-butting them in the stomach.

Slingshot!

(Imitates popping)

And they made a lot of money.

They... like a decent living.

Like, it was like an honorable living.

You know, it wasn't like a super fancy, really intense living.

Wait.

It was like...

It wasn't fancy?

It wasn't fancy.

The way they were living...

No.

Off head-butting people?

Okay.

So... additionally, simultaneously, there was a bar called the Hole in the Wall.

And there was a bouncer. Her name was Gallus Mag.

And Gallus Mag was 6-feet tall.

And additionally, she was a badass bitch, for real and for truly.

One day, our girl, Sadie the Goat, comes into the Hole in the Wall bar, and she, like, encounters Gallus Mag.

And here's the thing about Gallus Mag, she was British.

Here's the thing about Sadie the Goat, she was Irish.

Here's the thing about that time period, white-on-white racism.

So Sadie the Goat, who was, like, a very mouthy individual was like, umm, the thing about British people is that, like, they, like, are... like, always like, "Ugh. Big Ben..."

(Chuckling)

"Is, like, a big clock."

And Gallus Mag was like, please dial back what you're saying.

And Sadie the Goat was just like, well, additionally, beans on toast!

Gallus Mag was like, you're being too crazy.

So she took Sadie the Goat by the ear and she dragged her to the door.

And Sadie the Goat was like...

(Squeals)

(Squealing)

(Squealing)

(Laughs)

(Chuckling)

So Gallus Mag chomps off her mo-effing ear.

And she puts it into a jar of alcohol.

And it was like such a great trophy that she labels it,

"Sadie the Ears." Nope.

"Sadie the Goat's Ear."

And she put it on her trophy case.

At this point, Sadie the Goat is very em... embarrassed.

And she then witnesses this g*ng called the Charlton Street g*ng.

And they're trying to commandeer a small ship.

But they're doing a very, very bad job.

So she's like, you guys, you're doing not a good job, and because of me, I can make you do a very good job.

And if you want to work together, we can be more successful.

And they're like, okay, listen.

Sadie the Goat, that is your real name, we... we're on board.

So they start cruising up and down the Hudson.

And they are just, like, stealing things and pillaging small towns.

And she was like, (chuckles) obviously I need to start kidnapping people hardcore.

So she's kidnapping people and she's like, I don't care if your loved ones love you enough to pay your ransom. Like, I am gonna make you walk the plank right now.

And he's like, no, I'm so sorry I back-talked you.

And she was like, I'm Sadie the Goat!

And then she, like, drops him off the plank and he splashes into the river like...

(Imitates splashing)

(Laughs)

So they get the police involved.

And they lie in wait, and they're like, okay, we're gonna get Sadie the Goat.

And when Sadie and the g*ng members disembark, they ambushed them.

And they really did some damage 'cause they were sh**ting a lot of g*ns.

And so Sadie and her gentlemen suffered enough casualties that, at the end of it, Sadie was like, yo, I got to pack it in.

So Sadie the Goat returns to the Fourth Ward.

And she went to go visit Gallus Mag.

And she was like, hi.

Listen, I know I was, like, super crazy, and, like, I'm so sorry for that.

It was my bad.

And Gallus Mag is like, I have something for you.

And Sadie's like, what could it be?

And Gallus Mag presents her with Sadie's ear.

(Calm orchestral music)

And Sadie the Goat is like, regardless of whatever is between our legs, we are... mmm... really down to clown, and, like, we are, like, really down to, like, really tear sh*t up.

And, like, I will head-butt you in the stomach and I will chomp your ear off and, like, thank you for being a friend.

That's how we got the "Golden Girls" soundtrack song, Derek Waters.

♪ Thank you for being a friend ♪
♪ If you threw a party ♪

(Laughs)

Keep going.

I... I don't know...

Yeah, neither do me.

(Cheesy upbeat music)

One baby carrot.

Probably not what Sadie the Goat used, but...

All right, wait. What... what am I supposed to do?

Oh, oh, how many en...

Oh! [Bleep]!

(Slow-motion ricochet)

Sadie the Goat!

Do you want that in here?

Yeah.

Or do you want that separate?

Yes, please.

Thank you.

Mm-hmm.

This is nice.

If you do all this, it's nice.

And I have no problems with you.

(Chuckles)

(Laughs)

Hello.

I'm Rich Fulcher, and today we're gonna talk about Lord Gordon-Gordon.

Lord Gordon-Gordon was initially a guy named Hubert Hamilton.

He was swindling all these jewelers in London.

He stole about $100,000 from them.

And he's like, come on, mother-sucker!

He was not only a con man.

He took it to the next level.

Hubert Hamilton moved to New York and changed his name to Lord Gordon-Gordon.

Which is like, what?

So his whole scam was he's pretending that he's Scottish royalty.

He wore a kilt and that was one of his big selling points.

He's like, I'm wearing a kilt, ya [bleep], ya.

Oh, by the way I'm a collateral relative of a Lord Byron and cousin of the Campbells.

This guy is like "Catch Me If You Can" meets "20/20".

I love that.

I can't... I want to know about that.

Lord Gord... (Burps)

Oh. Lord Gordon-Gordon is introduced to this guy named Horace Greeley, who was an editor of the "New York Tribune."

And so Horace Greeley said, hey, listen.

My friend Jay Gould, this guy... (hiccups) guy is the top of the New York business community.

Jay Gould was one of the biggest robber barons.

But... he's got a problem with the Erie Railroad.

So Horace...

(Hiccups)

Greeley comes to Jay Gould and says, hey, I think I know a guy who can help you out with your Erie... (hiccups) railroad problem.

His name is Lord Gordon-Gordon, which...

(hiccups) go with me, it's great.

He's, like, a real lord. He...

(hiccups) wears a kilt.

Underneath his kilt is his d*ck and balls.

(Chuckling)

(Laughs)

So the thing is this guy has convlin... convnnc... com... (Groans) convince.

Jay Gould was... (hiccups) so paranoid about Erie Railroad being taken over.

So Lord Gord... (hiccups)

Gordon-Gordon took advantage of it, and said, hey, I own, like, the major... (hiccups)

Majority of stock. (Hiccups)

(Belches)

And Jay Gould says, sh*t, you... you... you [bleep]!

The board of directors are [bleep] me around so if you could help me around.

Gordon-Gordon said, I can help you... (hiccupping) but I need some money to do this.

And Jay Gould gave him $160,000 in cash... (hiccups) and the rest in stock.

Lord Gordon-Gordon tries to sell the stock.

When Jay Gould realized he had been swindled, he's like, he's [bleep] stealing from me!

(Yells)

Oh, [bleep] actual... (squealing)

Mother[bleep]! God damn mother[bleep]!

He used his connections to have Gordon-Gordon arrested.

He is being grilled on the stan... (hiccups) stand by the judge.

He's citing off all of his Scottish relatives.

I am part of the Campbells.

I am a collateral relative of Lord Byron, blah, blah, blah.

And the judge is just eating this sh*t up.

Right? Like, he's going, (Obscene slurping)

Mm... nah, mm.

Mm, nom, nom, nom.

These stupid guys, they gave him bail.

So that night... (hiccups)

Jay Gould calls up England and says, do you know this guy?

They say, I don't know this guy.

And so Jay Gould goes, tomorrow at... at quat, which is court, I'm gonna say that he's not a nobleman or anything.

And it turns out that Lord Gordon-Gordon has gotten on the train to Montreal!

(Imitates train chugging)

He's on the... (hiccups)

He's on the run. (Hiccups)

Nobody can find him.

Jay Gould puts a $25,000... (Hiccups)

Ransom out on his ass.

Ah... ah... ah...

Um, the guy...

(Patriotic music)

Oh, so what happens was word got out to Lord Gordon squared that these guys were gonna catch him.

And he knew his number was up.

So he decided to throw a big Winnipeg.

(Laughs)

(Chuckles)

He decided to throw a big party.

He had a... the all the high-society people, and they're all, like, crazy.

Like, yes, this is great.

And then all of a sudden, lawmen show up, and they say, we're looking for Lord Gordon-Gordon.

And Lord Gordon-Gordon looks at them, and he says, hold on, I've got to get me Tam o' Shanter.

It's a Scottish hat.

(Dramatic music pounds)

All of a sudden, they hear a g*nsh*t.

(Imitates g*nsh*t)

Lord Gordon-Gordon sh*t himself in the temple and d*ed from the g*nsh*t.

So, anyway...

Oh, I thought that was the end of the story.

No.

(Blows raspberry)

(Blowing raspberries)

(Dramatic orchestral music)

♪♪