01x03 - Episode 3

[bunniefuu]

I just don't think in my life, I'm ever gonna do a drum solo.

Spider check?

Always.

What are you going to do if you found one?

Set myself on fire. Drive off a cliff.

Oh, you know I'm in the car.

What if it was a friendly one?

There are no friendly ones.

What if it was just coming down 'cause you had your tag sticking out?

It was coming to help? Like, "Hey, let me get "that for you, buddy. You look like a No. No, don't, tag dag. I just wanna help."

Don't... talk about something else.

Talk about something else.

Do you want to talk about the house again?

You mean the house I'm going to sell?

It's pretty nice.

It's a great house on a great block of land and the owner isn't asking too much. It's perfect.

I'm actually going to sell one before Mum gets back.

You could sell this house.

What's that supposed to mean?

Well, I'm just saying someone with as little sales experience as you, but who is still super cool...

Thank you. could easily sell this place.

Mmm.

Oh, I've already pre-written a text.

Mmm?

"Hi, Mum. Just made my first sale." That's it?

Yeah, well, that's the news.

This is better.

"Mum, I got an under-age girl pregnant.

"Just kidding, I sold a house!"

What?

Well, it's like double good news.

It's like, "He did what?!"

"Oh, he was kidding. Phew! and he sold a house."

Please don't send that.

I'm not gonna send it.

Okay. Well, just don't push anything that'd accidentally send it.

Now you're making me paranoid that I am gonna send it.

Well, just don't touch anything.

'Cause now I actually can't remember which button's back and which is send. Your phone is weird.

Well, just... don't touch anything.

Is that one back or send? Can you...

You don't have to push anything.

Just, take it away from me.

No, you made me.

No, no, no, don't push anything.

Worried that I'm gonna press it? How I'm driving? Just, put your thumbs up!

Can I not push anything?

Just, put your thumbs up!

I'll put it down. My thumbs? What? Like...

Like, now what?

Yes.

Hold it like that till we park.

I don't think I could sell this house.

♪ Yeah, we know ♪
♪ Even if we had so far to go ♪
♪ Oh, I'll be coming home to you again ♪
♪ If we find ♪
♪ Something to feel that we belong ♪
♪ If we can right all the wrongs ♪
♪ Well, I'll be coming home to you again. ♪

I just uploaded the photos he sent.

What, was I supposed to check they were real?

Yes!

They were photos of a house.

It's not like there was a unicorn out the front.

I know what you're going to say... I haven't mowed the lawns.

John... this is the photo we've used on the website and all of the marketing material.

What's the problem?

Well, did you doctor this photo?

No. No, my son did it.

He can also do memes, whatever they are.

Yeah, but, John, your house doesn't look like this.

Well, obviously.

Well, you can't do that. It's false advertising.

No, it's not. It-it-it's aspirational.

I mean, it's what the property could look like if you took the time to...

Take down the power lines.

Well, you know, that's just my son expressing himself.

It looks real.

It's not.

Hey, your mum said it was a fixer-upper, all right? I just wanted to show people, you know, what it'd look like fixed up.

It's like serving suggestions.

Yeah, but it's a house.

It's not a frozen pizza.

Yeah, but more people will come this way.

Angry people.

I'll talk to them.

Oh! No, John, y-you shouldn't be at the open home.

Why?

It-it's never a good idea for the owner to be there. It's standard practice.

Yeah, but, you know, what if they've got questions for me, like...

Where's the mountain?

[GROANS]

14. There's 14.

What?

Spot the difference.

Oh.

Do you want me to rewrite that text to your mum?

You may have broken the law putting that photo up.

We. I did it from your computer.

Why didn't you use your computer?

What? Yeah, it was sleeping.

You've got a computer.

Damien, hi.

Yeah, hi.

Hi, Emma.

How's it going?

Fine. Well, I mean... no, yeah, fine. I'll say fine.

Did you go round there?

Yeah, I told John I could give the place a quick paint job or do the gardens.

It's really all I could do to pretty it up by tomorrow.

Okay, well, at least that's something.

Can't do it, though.

John won't let me touch anything unless I buy the place first.

Do you want to buy it?

No.

Anything else I can do?

k*ll me.

No. Thank you, Damien.

Right. Bye.

Bye!

Maybe we could call one of those extreme makeover shows.

[Tsks]

I think he likes you.

No, he doesn't.

Well, he could've just called. He didn't have to come in here.

He doesn't even like leaving his house.

He likes you.

Maybe he likes you.

[PHONE RINGS]

Probably. I'm a likeable guy.

Well, I hope you're happy together.

We will be.

What's your favourite thing about him?

Daniel...

His eyes.

Barbara's on the phone for you.

[SIGHS]

Hi, Mum.

Daniel, what took you so long?

Just, uh... working hard.

How are you?

Fine.

I've been in rehab all morning, yelling at my physio.

She's very handsy.

Yeah, I think that's their job.

Anyway, I'd better get back to work.

Do you have everything ready for the open home tomorrow?

Yep.

Oh, so you've moved the mountain, have you?

I can explain that.

Can you?

'Cause it seems like you've ruined any chance we had of selling that property.

No, no, it's... it's like, um... serving suggestions.

I've taken the images down and posted a message that it's cancelled.

I'll reschedule it when I'm back.

[PHONE DISCONNECTS]

Well, Mu... [SIGHS]

Love you.

She knows?

Yeah.

Does she think I did it?

You did do it.

Yeah, but does she think I did it?

She saw the website and she... cancelled the open home.

[SIGHS]

Can't people have spinal surgery without checking their computers?

Well, something else'll come up.

She's not gonna give me another chance.

Do you... do you know how many houses I sold on the mainland?

Three?

No, z-zero.

I really thought I was gonna sell my first one.

Well, sell it, then.

She cancelled the open home.

She cancelled it online.

The people who got our leaflets won't know that, and it was in the paper. People might still turn up.

What, furious people when they don't see a...?

Is that a hedge maze?

I have two ideas.

What's your second idea?

Okay, well, when you're in a bad mood, what always cheers you up?

There's an interview with Bruce Lee where he talks about honestly expressing oneself.

And when I watch it, I-I get inspired to do...

[BLOWS RASPBERRY]

Free stuff!

You can't stay mad if you're getting free stuff.

Right.

In Melbourne once I was walking past this auction and they had an ice cream stand and they were giving out free ice creams to anyone.

And do you know what?

What?

I bought that house. Most expensive ice cream I've ever had.

You didn't buy the house.

Uh?

No, but you can see how that could happen.

Em, it's pretty common practice to give stuff away at these things.

We just don't have any money for it.

Shops will donate stuff. Small town people are generous, right?

I guess we could say it's good exposure.

I mean, it's free advertising for them.

Well?

It's worth a sh*t.

Yay!

To Bruce Lee, the greatest singer...

No.

Guitarist...

Not music.

Astronaut. Good guy.

Come on!

We're technically still at work.

Ready?

Okay, you take the shops on the left side of the street and I'll take the right.

Okay.

Does that help?

What?

This.

Is that how I look?

Sorry, Mrs Marsh.

What does it do?

I don't know. I get nervous.

It shakes off the nerves.

Oh, you'll be fine.

Just relax, speak confidently. Oh, I keep forgetting to ask you, why doesn't anyone here talk like you do?

What do you mean?

In Rosehaven. Like, in your hometown, I thought everyone here would sound like you but they don't.

Like your mum says "balls".

When did she say "bowls"?

Well, I don't know, but when she says it, she says "balls" and you don't.

Emma, I don't know what you're talking about.

You have an accent.

No, I don't.

Say "balls".

"Bowls". I said "bowls".

No, "balls".

You're not. Say, "It's wall to wall balls."

Well, I would never have to say that.

Just say it.

It's woll to woll bowls.

What's that thing you put soup in?

Bowl.

The round thing you play catch with?

"Bowl".

Do you not hear that?!

Say, "Put this ball in this bowl."

Put this "bowl" in this bowl.

[LAUGHS]

That's just how I say it.

I always thought you had an accent, but you just can't talk properly.

I am talking properly.

Oh, I've got one.

Say this.

Actually, it might k*ll you. I don't know if you're ready.

Bowling "bowl".

I am going to get you the help that you need.

Well, I don't need help because I've got this.

Oh, you mean this?

That's what you do!

Oh! Got me.

[LOUD POUNDING]

Hi, uh...

Cathy.

Uh, I'm Daniel from McCallum Real Estate.

I'm hosting an open home tom...

Oh, you're Barbara's boy.

Yes.

Thought you were on the mainland.

I was.

Couldn't hack it?

Ah, I'm actually here about an exciting cross-promotional opportunity that will, uh, raise awareness of your brand.

Meat?

Yes. I was hoping to expose your business to a... to a wider audience.

What is it you want, exactly?

Sausages?

How many?

40?

Fine.

Great. Thank you. I'm hoping this can be the, er, start of an ongoing relationship between our businesses...

That'll be $22.50.

Sure.

This was a great idea!

What did you get?

Free clothes from the Op Shop.

Clothes? Em, we can't say, "Welcome to the open home. Please accept this old jumper."

Why not? They're from a shop. They're still good.

Yeah, but if the Op Shop didn't want them, what do you think they're like?

Have you... have you opened the bag yet?

Nah.

Eugh! Oooh...

It's just a bit mothy.

What'd you get?

40 sausages.

Score!

I paid for 'em.

Okay, strike one and two. We're still in the game. Come on.

Okay. Okay, here we go. Here we go.

Uh, Em, I don't think that plant is getting any shinier.

Do you know I was thinking, maybe I can't do this.

What?

No, actually I'm fine.

Em, what... what's up?

Nothing. I'm fine. I just, um... I'm just feeling a lot today. But I'm fine. So let's do this!

Yeah. Uh, it's just that you're saying you're fine a lot.

Because I'm fine.

Em, what's happened?

Nothing, I'm totally fine. I mean, Josh texted me, but it's totally fine.

Okay. But he-he's been trying to contact you for ages, hasn't he?

Yes, but he calls... he calls and I hang up. But this is the first message that he's gotten through.

"Please answer my calls." What does that mean?

Uh, answer his, um... You know what?

Maybe now's not the time...

I just don't want to talk to him.

I don't want to be insensitive, but can we go back to when you were fine?

There might be a cry, or a yell. I'm not sure yet.

No, no, no, Emma, I need happy Emma to help me talk to strangers and keep me calm today.

We can... we can both have breakdowns tomorrow.

I was thinking maybe I should go back to uni.

No.

I mean, all my ideas are dumb, Dan.

All we got yesterday were 40 sausages that you paid for and a bag of rubbish from the Op Shop.

They were just a bit mothy.

There was a dead fish in one of the hats.

Okay. Well, you made chocolate crackles and they're excellent.

I did. I just... I-I'm holding you back.

No-no, you're not. See, in fact...

I-I read that a man and woman team sell more properties. So you know, just...

Be a woman?

Yes.

Y-you can do this.

Hi.

Hi.

Am-am I in the right place?

Oh, I hope so.

If you're not, neither are we. Come in. Um... here's an information sheet.

I'd probably start with the master bedroom. It's just down the hall.

And by the time you get back I'll have a pot of tea ready.

Oh, thank you.

No worries. I'm Emma, and this is Daniel, if you have any questions.

Hi.

Hi.

Oh, and please help yourself to a chocolate crackle?

Thanks.

***

Em, that was... that was brilliant.

Oh.

Was it?

Yeah, that... that was perfect.

Really? It felt fake.

Well, to me, it felt like someone honestly expressing themselves.

Bruce Lee?

Yep.

Smart. I hope to meet him some day.

Well, he's dead.

Oh... then we've lost a great netballer.

I know you know who he is.

Ah, the backyard. Great for... entertaining.

Does the master bedroom get morning sun?

Uh, yeah, probably.

I put this, uh, pond in a few years back.

I mean, happy for you to keep the fish for a small fee.

Where's the water feature?

Uh, it was stolen by robbers who said they'd never come back.

John, can I borrow you for one second?

Ah, yeah.

Told you more people would come.

Yeah, I thought we agreed it's best if you're not here.

Yeah, but then I thought it would be.

[WOMAN SCREAMING]

Oh!

Are you okay? What's happened? Huh?

Someone threw a spider over the fence.

Oh, where?

Oh, give it a rest, Susan!

(SUSAN) You started it!

I can't help where they go once I release 'em!

You release them over my fence!

Argh!

Sorry, Susan!

Well, it won't... won't happen again!

John, what's going on?

Oh, look, she's caught me throwing one over her fence once or twice.

Now she's convinced every spider in her house comes from me.

Great.

Hey, mate!

It's all freshly laid, all this.

So sorry.

Well, it's mostly fresh.

(MAN) Did you concrete over the marble?

[JOHN CHUCKLES] Yeah. Hey, come and have a look at the water feature.

What?

Hi, I'm Emma from McCallum Real Estate. I am one half of the man-woman team running the open home next door.

I'm the woman half.

What do you want?

I'm glad you asked. I've just been informed that there's been a bit of a spiders-over-the-fence thing happening.

Personally, I'm cool with it...

He started it.

Had one land in my drink once.

He thinks it's humane.

Do you think it's humane to fly through the air and drown in a Mai Tai?

It's how I'd wanna go.

Anyway, I was just wondering if you could not do that anymore.

[SIGHS] He's been doing it for years.

Just for today? And he won't do it either. Truce. All spiders down.

Look, it's going to be a lot easier for us to sell his place if we're not getting nightmare rain.

Fine.

Sweet.

Chocolate crackle?

Who says no to you?

What about the mountain?

Uh... erosion?

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, but, you're not... not... not... listening to what I'm saying.

It's completely different!

Yeah, but you're not seeing the potential of the place.

Well, I'm seeing a bunch of power lines outside.

Hi, I'm, ah, I'm Daniel. Yes.

Mate, are you... are you the agent?

Oh, wh-where do you get off advertising a place like this?

Well...

Chocolate crackle, anyone?

I've already spotted 15 things wrong with this.

Did I miss one?

Look, if you don't like it, just go.

You've wasted our whole day to come and see this piece of sh*t.

Hey, this house has been in my family for two generations.

'Cause no one would buy it!

Yeah, John, let's... let's...

My father built it with his own blood, sweat and tears.

Well, maybe if he'd used bricks it'd be in better nick!

John, let's... Um...

No, no, no. You know what?

You don't deserve it. Get out.

Excuse me?

No, you heard me. Get out. Go on! Nup.

John, not a good sales tactic.

It's a fixer-upper!

What are you looking at?

He doesn't come with the house.

I knew he'd mess this up.

Yeah, but you thought heaps of other things would mess this up too.

(WOMAN) Excuse me?

Hi.

Uh, thanks for coming.

Yes, I'm Carol, and this is Martin.

Hi. I'm Martin.

I just said that.

Um, Cathy told us there might be a sausage sizzle on today?

Yes. Um, I did cook some sausages last night. Ah, they're in the fridge.

I could put them in the microwave if you want one.

Oh, it's fine. We were coming anyway.

Now, these photos...

Yes. Uh, sorry about that too.

A bunch of great ideas here.

Uh... yeah. Yeah. No, we, um... we thought so too.

Oh, John. Good news.

They're right, you know.

It is a piece of sh*t.

What? Yeah? That's not true. It's...

Well, that's what they all said today.

No, no, John, your... your house is a r-renovator's dream.

Is it?

Yeah, it's got, um... charm.

Good windows.

Great windows.

Beautiful pond.

Beautiful pond.

It's a... it's a fixer-upper, right?

Everyone hated it.

They said my carpet was ugly.

Th-Th-the paintwork was all shoddy...

No, no, John, I've got a couple in there right now who love it.

We-we might have an offer.

They didn't miss the solar panels?

Nope, thought it was a great suggestion.

And we saved you a chocolate crackle.

Yes.

Now, can we please go inside and sell this house?

Argh! Oh, Jesus! Oh! Yes!

(SUSAN) Cop that, John, you bastard!

What's your favourite medication?

Um, Triaderm.

Of course. Sounds like a dinosaur.

No, I think I'm just saying that because I prescribed it this morning, and nobody's ever asked me that.

Ah.

Must be weird seeing Dan again.

No, it's nice.

You do know you're like the worst-case scenario?

A bit, like an ex that you never really got over who's now a doctor and who's lost 30 kilos.

Dan's changed a lot, too.

How?

He used to have an overbite.

[GASPS]

[GROANS]

Here he comes.

Hello!

Grace?

What happened?

A spider fell on your face and you fainted.

Because I was brave?

No.

Susan didn't go for the chocolate crackles because she's a monster.

Oh, where's John?

It's fine. He's inside.

Here we go. Come on.

How long was I out for?

30 years. We've got a lot to fill you in on.

Maybe 20 minutes.

I'm gonna head inside. Come in when you're ready.

Oh, did Em draw anything on my face while I was out?

No, your hand. But she felt bad and stopped.

Um, Grace, I've got to... run back in, but, um...

Yeah. thanks for... thanks for being here.

No problem. Feel better.

Oh, I faint all the time. Just, um, recharging the batteries.

Yep, yeah, step there.

Oh...

Oh, John. I am so sorry.

Ah, don't worry. Susan's got me a few times with a spider too.

Did you faint?

No.

You did.

[JOHN LAUGHING]

Carol and Martin. Did... did they leave?

They did. They're still interested.

Great.

Yeah.

Yeah, I-I've had a think about what you said.

Oh, okay.

Yeah, I think maybe I was being a little bit hasty about, ah, getting rid of the place.

Oh, no. No, no, no, no, I...

No, it-it's like what you both said. I mean, it's got charm.

You know, it's on a great block of land.

We didn't say that.

Ah, you know, got a beautiful view of the countryside.

Or that.

Yeah.

I think I might stick around a bit longer.

I don't want to sell anymore.

John, we only said that stuff to make you feel better.

I mean, you're lucky someone actually wants to buy this piece of sh*t.

Get out.

Hey, champ.

Look, you did your best.

He didn't want to sell. What can you do?

Not faint. Not talk him out of selling.

No.

Everyone faints for no reason and does the opposite of what their job is sometimes.

Have you called your mum?

No.

I can't call her. I'll text it.

I can pick out some tasteful emojis that might help soften the blow, if you like.

[MOBILE PHONE BEEPS]

I find the praying one is good...

Oh, sh*t!

Oh, Em, I sent your text!

What? My text? No, you didn't.

I sent your message.

You didn't. You didn't!

Yes! Why didn't you delete the draft?!

Did you? What'd you do that for?

You told me to hold my thumbs up!

What... At least get rid of...

Can I just get it back?

No, of course you can't get it back! It's fine. It'll be fine.

[PHONE RINGS]

It'll be fine. Well, maybe...

She's calling. sh*t. sh*t. maybe she'll be happy that he doesn't want to sell because... mo' money, mo' problems.

Hello?

You sold it?

Under-age pregnancy is no laughing matter, Daniel, but you did it.

There was some interest.

John decided to stay on a little longer.

what? what are you talking about?

It was his decision. He... he doesn't want to sell anymore.

Then why the hell did you send me that text?

It was a draft. Um...

I thought... I thought I was going to sell the house.

Mum, I'm... I'm... I'm really sorry.

Mo' money, mo' problems?

I'll see you in two days.

[PHONE DISCONNECTS]

Love you.

What can we do?

Go back to Melbourne?

I can't go back. I can't afford to go anywhere else.

Too old to backpack and I'm too scared to squat.

Em, you were the one who was wronged.

I replied to Josh.

What'd you send?

"This is the police.

"The woman whose phone this is is dead in a ditch.

"She d*ed of a broken heart and also she was pregnant. f*ck you."

Jesus.

I was really upset.

Yeah.

It's bad, isn't it?

Well...

I mean, he's the one... Yeah!

Yeah, he left you on your honeymoon.

It's full on but, yeah, he... he deserved it.

What are you doing?

I'm gonna... I'm gonna go for a walk.

Oh, okay, I'll get a jumper.

No, if that's okay. I... want to go by myself.

Why?

I'm just... Clear my head.

Oh. Give me your shoelaces.

What?

Just give me your shoelaces so I know you won't hurt yourself.

I'm not gonna hurt myself. I don't know how I'd hurt myself with my shoelaces.

Okay, then why do you want to be alone?

Because I'm upset. No, no, no! No!

Just give them to me. Just give them to me then you can go on your stupid walk, by yourself.

Em, no! Do what? No. No.

I'm not gonna let you do this.

Fine. Fine. Come. Come for the walk.

Give me this one.

Come for the walk.

Oh, your tag's sticking out.

No, no, don't. Don't.

It's sticking out. It looks dumb.

Stop it. Stop it. Stop it.

It looks bad. I'm helping.

Here we go. Stop it!

Someone else has been in here.

It's Bruce.

Are you mad?

This is where I came to get away from him.

I don't want to regret never standing up to him my whole life.

Let's do this!

Woo!

I don't want to do this.

He replaced my sunscreen with liquid paper once.

Do you want to stand up to Bruce or not?

"f*ck you."

No, no.

No, it doesn't... no, no...

Bruce is a piece of sh*t.

What?

The chimney!

15.