02x05 - It's Been Months Since I Kidnapped You

[bunniefuu]

Previously on Blunt Talk.

I want you to get an exclusive jailhouse interview with Adler.

Is it my destiny to die alone, Harry?

Not as long as I'm around, Major.

Oh, Martin, I miss you.

I have a crush on you, Shelly.

Please don't hate me.

Drop it.

Are you really asking me to choose between you and Sylvia, Major?

I told you, Evelyn, I'm not a prost*tute.

You are now.

No, I'm not.

I know you miss Harry and I'm trying to make everything feel as familiar as possible.

You're very kind.

[grunts]

What is that I'm feeling?

My brass knuckle.

♪
♪ Blunt ♪
♪ Talk. ♪

Top of the ninth, three outs.

Herschel's pitched an almost perfect game.

The real World Series. America versus Britain.

The evil empire...

Herschel, get on with it!

Uh, all right.

[exhales]

Oh!

Herschel, I asked you to use the proper action.

I don't have any control that way.

You don't have any control this way.

[sighs]

Fine, do it your way.

Old grumpy-ass British.

[exhales] All right.

[exhaling]

[grunts] Oh! Damn it, Herschel!

You know what? I'm sorry I'm not as good as Harry.

You know I'm American, right?

Oh, is that an excuse?

Well, we need to be playing a real sport like basketball.

Walter: Basketball's a game for girls.

Herschel: You would know.

If you hadn't fallen in love with Georgette, we wouldn't be here. Wouldn't have to...

Will you stop reminding me of that?

Here I am trying to forget and you keep talking about it all the time.

[laughs]

Now here's another day wasted.

Well, maybe you don't try hard enough.

If you can't forget, why don't you try and pretend to forget?

How can anybody pretend to forget?

Well, I know if it was me, I'd sit down and... and relax.

I'd close my eyes and I'd concentrate and I'd think of nothing.

Wouldn't be long then. That's what I'd do.

[TV continues]

[sighs]

Oh, wow.

Mmm. Mmm.

[grunting]

Oh, no!

[gasps]

[grunts]

Excellent reflexes, Herschel.

What are you, Henry VIII?

You almost took my head off and we haven't even discussed benefits.

Walter!

Shelly.

What are you doing here?

You haven't been answering your phone.

What's up, girl?

Hi.

Herschel, you forgot to charge my phone again.

Walter, I'm sorry, okay?

Uh, I'm not good at this servant stuff.

My mother waited on me hand and foot for 36 years until she couldn't take it anymore.

I hate myself!

Stop it. You're doing fine.

You keep the house very clean.

I'm supposed to clean?

Walter, I'm here because I discovered something about Duncan Adler.

Oh, uh, that's right. I have that damned interview at the jail today.

Yeah, but check this out.

Duncan Adler has been writing letters to the LA Times for years accusing Rudolph Global of cock-blocking water recycling in Los Angeles.

Now, that is very interesting.

Yeah.

Yo, speaking of cock-block, if you can give us a moment, Walter.

Shelly-shell.

Herschel.

Herschel.

Harry?

What are you doing?

You have to let Walter go. He has Herschel now.

I am trying, Sylvia.

Are you?

How many times have you snuck over there to dust and vacuum?

I don't think that's trying. I'm not a faucet, Sylvia.

I can't just turn off my heart like that.

I know, Harry.

It's just hard when you're a girl.

You want to be number one in your man's life.

Hey, you are number one.

What have you got there, darling?

I'm off the waiting list at Tisch.

I got into the film school.

What?

Well, this is amazing! You see?

And you'd given up hope.

Yeah.

I'm finally going straight.

But it means moving to New York.

Will you come with me?

New York?

♪

Oh, thank you.

Mm-hmm.

Any mail for me, sunshine?

Nothing.

But I like your Steve Jobs look.

Very Michael Fassbender.

Have you seen Shame? He's enormous.

Really? Didn't seem that big to me.

Good morning, Mr. Stone.

Good morning to you.

Or Morgen as they say in Munich.

[chuckles]

Oh.

Mm-mmm.

Good morning, Jim.

Good morning, coworker.

[crying]

[sighs] Walter will be here any minute.

Did you all see this memo from HR about not smoking marijuana on the premises?

I heard that the new head of HR only has one testicle.

I heard the same thing.

h*tler only had one ball.

Okay.

♪ h*tler, he only had one ball... ♪

Oh, I love that song.

I'll start again.

Join me.

Okay.

♪ h*tler, he only had one ball ♪
♪ Goering had two, but very small ♪
♪ Himmler had something similar ♪
♪ But poor old Goebbels had no balls at all. ♪

Morning, everyone.

Morning.

Good morning, everyone.

Wait in my office, Herschel. Thank you.

Oh. Yes, Walter.

Do you need anything? Some coffee? A corn dog?

Ooh, maybe a scoop of avocado with a little salt and olive oil.

No, I'm fine, thank you.

Okay.

Actually, the avocado sounds good.

Ooh, all right. I'll be right on it.

Just got to find an avocado, salt, and oil.

Have you heard from Harry?

Martin, I've told you before, I don't want to talk about that.

So, Shelly came to my house this morning and she told me some very interesting things about our Duncan Adler.

Walter, you know we leave for the jail in 45 minutes?

Yes, and I am very keen to speak with Mr. Adler, pick his brain about Rudolph Global.

So, Shelly, fill them in on your research.

Okay, so what I discovered last night...

I was here, too.

Yeah.

What I discovered last night was that Duncan Adler has been linking Rudolph Global to the k*lling of LA's recycled water plant in 2001.

How did they k*ll it?

With a smear campaign funded by one of their shell corporations.

They labeled it "Toilet to Tap."

But they could have gone with "Ass to Glass" or "Fanny to Faucet" or "Shitta to Brita."

Yeah, or if we were in Israel, they could have gone with "Tuchus to Tonsils."

That's enough, Jim.

Shelly: Anyway, there's a vote coming up...

Proposition 68... to try to reopen the plant.

So the question is, why are they against recycled water when LA so clearly needs it?

Well, I made contact with Margaret Rudolph last night and I will see where that leads.

_

In the meantime, I think we should have an expert on tomorrow night to discuss recycled water.

A hydrologist?

Mm-hmm.

Yeah, let me handle this, Walter.

Great.

Jim and Martin, work on the Middle East package for tonight.

And Rosalie, Shelly, and I will go to jail.

Herschel, what's the meaning of this?

[hip hop music playing]

Martin, can you come here, please?

I'd like to talk to you about the tech segment on the Japanese robots.

Oh, oh, what's wrong with my segment?

I told my mother it would be on.

Oh, no, no, it's fine. We'll run it tonight.

Celia: Does Jim seem different to you today?

He does. It's mysterious.

It might be the turtleneck, but I feel drawn to him.

Me, too.

Really? Does this mean the break is over?

I could update the Jimelia Twitter account. We've plateaued.

I don't know if the break is over.

But please don't say anything to anyone.

Okay, Celia, okay.

I'm very discreet. You should know that.

Like, do you know where I live?

No, I don't.

See, very discreet.

Also, you've never asked me, which, now that I think about it, hurts very much.

Oh, Martin, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to upset you.

It's okay. I think I'm just having my male period.

I've been very emotional all day.

God, you must be in synch with me and Shelly.

We're also shedding our linings. Aw.

That makes so much sense.

The first thing we'll do is sh**t some footage to get a sense of Duncan's life here in jail.

What are you thinking?

He's initiated a drama group.

The Oscar Wildes.

So we'll film him doing that, then we'll have the actual sit-down.

Let's get the reunion for the B-roll.

Walter.

It's been months since I kidnapped you.

Mr. Adler, I... uh.

[whispering] I'm so sorry that I abducted you, but is there any chance that you could get UBS to drop all charges?

I'm losing my mind in here. I haven't even gone to trial yet.

Mr. Adler, there's nothing I can do about that.

Mr. Adler.

Yes?

You can let go of Walter now.

Oh, sorry. Damn it. Sorry.

I always hold on too long during hugs.

It's like I'm tone deaf when it comes to physical space.

Actually, Walter, can you guys hug again?

Oh... I want the camera to circle you like the kiss in Vertigo.

I think it'll tell our audience that you've truly forgiven Mr. Adler.

Here, let me show you.

That's not necessary, Shelly.

I don't mind. I don't mind.

Oh.

Oh, yeah. Oh, this is great.

60 Minutes would never have the balls to do a sh*t like this.

Mr. Adler, after our interview, I-I would like to hear what you think about Daniel Rudolph.

I'm investigating him for a story that I'm doing about the drought.

Rudolph? The overreaching water lord?

Yes, that man.

Okay. [clears throat]

Okay, the Shia-Sunni conflict, which dates back to the year 632 AD...

Jim.

What?!

Jesus, Harry.

You scared the sh*t out of me. How long have you been in here?

I snuck in five minutes ago. I don't want the major to see me.

Well, you don't have to worry about that.

He's at the county jail interviewing Duncan Adler.

Good.

I've come for advice, Jim.

Sylvia and I are finished.

She's moving to New York for graduate school.

She doesn't believe in long-distance relationships.

Oh, no. Harry, I'm so sorry.

What I'd like to know is how have you dealt with romantic pain?

I-I feel like a piece of my heart has been cut away and I want to claw at the sky.

Hmm.

Well, I've done a lot of thinking about this, and there are three possible solutions.

One, another woman.

No. It's too soon.

I understand.

Two, Laurel and Hardy suggest pretending to forget about the woman.

I just learned that one today.

I like the sound of that one.

Yeah.

Clowns are always wise.

And three, some Native American traditions suggest dancing when you're heartbroken.

I do like to dance despite the chafing.

This is all very helpful.

I better go before the major returns.

Good-bye, Jim.

And thank you.

You're a good friend.

Good-bye, Harry.

♪

The play we'll be reading today is Chekhov's classic The Three Sisters.

And if you could please read the part of Irina, that would be great.

Some of the guys don't like to play women unless they have to for cigarettes.

Mmm, I wouldn't mind.

It's what they did in Shakespeare's day.

But I can't have the word get out.

I understand, dear.

Mr. Adler, why are you called the Oscar Wildes?

Because we're the unfairly imprisoned.

Also we're a theater group.

Okay, list of characters.

[speaking Japanese]

Well, I think all this robot stuff works really well, Martin. Good job.

Thanks, Jim.

Uh, so you've been very sad about Celia, haven't you?

Yep. You know what? Real sad.

Do you want to know something I shouldn't tell you?

Celia thinks you're sexy again.

She does?

Yeah.

Why?

No idea.

Oh, my God.

I-I think I know why.

Really?

Remember that Medicine Cabinet piece?

Uh-huh.

Women's noses can smell anything...

Immunities, disease, fertility.

Fear, money problems.

Right.

So I think what she's smelling on me is another woman.

Why is there another woman on you?

Because I got drunk last night at the fundraiser and this older woman, Evelyn, picked me up.

Now, wait, really? An older woman?

Was she as sexy as Rosalie?

Um...

Not quite as sexy, but sh-she was hot.

Oh.

She thought I was a prost*tute, which has never happened before.

Of course it hasn't happened before. You're not a whore.

Yeah, I know. That's what I said.

Anyway, I'm feeling really guilty about the whole thing, but also kind of good.

So don't say anything to anyone, okay?

Of course not. I'm very discreet.

Like, you don't know where I live, right?

Yeah, I do.

Really? How? I've never told you.

I followed you one night a few months ago.

I was in a really weird mood.

What?

"Where? Where has it all gone? Where is it? Oh, my God, my God. I have forgotten everything. Forgotten everything. Everything is confused in my head. I can't remember what is the word for window in Italian. Or for ceiling. I am forgetting everything. I forget more every day and life flies past and never returns. Never. And we will never go to Moscow."

I can't take this. Life's too sad.

I want to be free.

Up. Up! Up!

Rosalie!

Tiny, that's my toothbrush!

I'm sorry, Duncan, but I want out of here or I'm gonna ventilate this tomato.

Are you getting this?

Rosalie: Walter!

Stop that! Let her go!

[groans]

All of you down now. Hands behind your heads.

Are you all right?

I'm fine. It was thrilling.

I can't believe this, Mr. Adler.

This had nothing to do with me, Walter.

I thought they all liked theater.

This is great!

Line 'em up.

We're gonna have to nix the interview, Mr. Blunt.

I gotta put these inmates in lockdown.

I understand, Officer.

Listen, before you go to lockdown, Mr. Adler, tell me what you know about Rudolph.

Quid pro quo. You pull some strings to get me out of here, I'll get you something good on Rudolph.

Mr. Adler, I tell you, I don't have that kind of influence.

Mr. Blunt, I...

No, please. This is important.

LA needs water and this man Rudolph controls too much of it.

All right, forget the quid, here's my quo.

Look into the death of a councilman named Wadsworth in 2001.

He was pro water recycling.

I think he was m*rder*d.

m*rder*d? You got that?

Move along, let's go.

Shelly: Wadsworth, got it.

Don't forget about me, Walter.

And send vegan food.

And kosher. And low-salt.

I loved your Irina!

What took place today at the Los Angeles County Jail was frightening and disturbing.

But our own executive producer Rosalie Winter showed mettle and great courage.

You were so brave.

Mr. Adler, a well-intentioned, but...

This Councilman Wadsworth, his death is suspicious.

Oh, no, not again.

I'm sorry, Martin.

Oh, it's okay.

I'm incapable of monogamy.

Me, too.

Thank God Teddy's the same way.

Walter: Unlawful possession of a firearm and kidnapping.

Love.

Do you want to come over later and have dinner and discuss our breakup?

I do.

Walter: That's all we have for tonight.

I'm Walter Blunt right here, right now.

♪
♪

[moans]

Oh, mmm.

It's... it's... it's a little... a little too dark.

Oh, is it? Okay.

Uh...

I'll turn the lights on. Is that better?

Uh, yeah, a little...

No, it's... uh, now it's... it's too bright.

Too bright? Okay.

It's a little too bright.

Thanks. Oh.

Yeah.

It'll work. Better?

[moaning]

It's, um... Don't you think...

Don't you... don't you think it's... don't you think...

What?

Don't... don't you think it's a little stuffy in here?

Stuffy in here?

Yeah.

Are you stuffy? Oh.

Yeah.

Ah, okay.

Sorry.

Um...

[grunts]

There, that's fine.

Ooh, sorry.

I'm just gonna use the bathroom.

Okay. Oh, God.

Hey. [sniffs] Oh, sh*t.

Ah! [sputtering]

That's okay. Fine.

[panting]

♪
♪ You are everything ♪
♪ In this world to me ♪
♪ You are everything ♪
♪ In this world to me ♪
♪ You are everything ♪
♪ In this world to me... ♪

Sh... sh*t.

Thought I'd make myself more comfortable.

And I meant to tell you that, uh, I cut myself shaving.

A deep wound.

[sighs] Who's Evelyn?

And why did she write "That was money well spent" and send you pictures of her feet?

[mumbling] Uh, this is... This is, uh...

I was ready to give you my heart!

What are you doing there, Herschel?

Just keeping the logbook updated. Harry asked me to.

Harry.

What's a 10-letter word for idiot beginning with an N?

Nimrod. No, no, that's six letters.

[doorbell rings]

Ooh, I'll get it, General.

Oh, yes, of course. I've got it.

Nincompoop.

Herschel: Yes, Officers.

What's going on?

Walter, it's... it's Harry.

Ah, Mr. Blunt, this gentleman says he lives here, but he didn't have any identification.

Yes, he lives here.

This is his home.

Well, good. He seemed like a nice guy.

Didn't want to have to take him to the drunk t*nk.

I appreciate that very much.

We'll take it from here, Officers.

Herschel.

Oh, my goodness.

Oh, God, Harry.

Come on, Harry.

Uh, careful, and...

Oh!

All right, Herschel, will you see the officers out?

Okay.

What happened, Harry?

Sylvia and I, it's all over.

She's getting an MFA in the Big...

Big Apple.

And Jim told me to forget and to dance.

And I quit working for Ronnie.

Oh, dear.

I think I need a bucket, Major.

Yeah, a bucket, Herschel.

Oh, sh*t, he's gonna puke.

Uh... uh... Hold on, Harry.

Just hold on. Herschel, quickly!

Herschel: Where are the buckets?

Harry, where's the bucket? Oh, Lord.

Herschel, hurry.

[Harry vomits]

Oh, my God.

Oh, no!

Oh.

Get a mop.

Wh-where's the mops?

With the bucket.

I... you didn't tell me where the buckets are yet.

Oh, Lord.

He's drifted off.

Herschel, what's going on?

I called my mother, Walter, and she said she'll have me back.

I don't think you need me anymore now that Harry's home.

She's really taking you back?

Yeah.

I can't thank you enough for everything.

I learned a lot being your servant.

I would hug you, but remember what happened last time with my brass knuckle.

[chuckles]

Herschel, may I tell you one thing?

Of course.

I don't think you're a sex addict.

In fact, I don't think there's anything wrong with you at all.

You are a wonderful man.

Just try not to forget that.

Can I hug you now?

Thank you, Walter.

[clock ticking]

Major, what are you doing?

I thought I should keep an eye on you, Harry.

You were in rough shape.

Yeah.

I don't remember getting into bed.

Here.

Drink that.

[fizzing]

[sighs]

You kept my room just as it was, Major.

You were only gone a week, Harry.

It felt longer than that, sir.

Oh, it certainly did.

[chuckles]

I'm very sorry about Sylvia.

I know how much you care for her.

Will I always be alone now, Major?

Not as long as I'm around, Harry.

[laughs]

We're quite the pair, aren't we, sir?

"We are the zanies of sorrow. We are clowns whose hearts are broken."

Oscar Wilde?

Yes.

Oh.

He's been on my mind today.

Would you like me to read you something, Harry?

Help you fall back to sleep?

I'd like that very much, sir.

Well, you have Tarzan of the Apes, The Island of Dr. Moreau, and 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea.

20,000 Leagues, please.

Very good.

Oh, I'll pick up where you left off.

Yeah.

"The sea is everything. It covers seven-tenths of the terrestrial globe. Its breath is pure and healthy. It is an immense desert where man is never lonely, for he feels life stirring on all sides. The sea is only the embodiment of a supernatural and wonderful existence. It is nothing but love and emotion. It is the Living Infinite."

♪ Nothing to do but walk around ♪
♪ Maybe out to the end of town ♪
♪ Leave it behind, you know, whatever ♪
♪ Straight through the night across the desert, honey ♪
♪ Sure, I see the sun ♪
♪ Another day is gone ♪
♪ Best to find a place where I can lend ♪
♪ Some kind of a hand ♪
♪ Won't return until I am ♪
♪ A better man. ♪

[vocalizing]

[vocalizing]