01x04 - Art Show

[bunniefuu]

Well, I've officially quit shopping for clothes in Westport.

No one stocks my size.

The only shirt that buttoned up was a men's extra large, and I'm pretty sure it's a pajama top.

So now I buy all my clothes online from a store in Kansas, because in Kansas...

I'm a medium.

Ah, Kansas. Wonderful state.

Their official bird is a western meadowlark, I believe.

Fun fact, babe... You just k*lled my shirt buzz.

So you working today?

I'm writing an article I am so excited about.

I don't want to jinx anything, but I'm 100% sure this will get me tenure.

100% guaranteed.

That is so exciting! What's the article about?

The title of the article is...

"John Stuart Mill: Victorian Liberalism and the Fallacy of the Harm Principle."

Sometimes when you say things, I just pretend that your hair catches on fire.

Make fun if you must, but history is huge right now.

JSM could be the new "Hamilton."

[Rapping] ♪ I'm Johnny Mills, I'm here to say ♪
♪ Victorian era liberalism is the only way ♪

[Laughs]

Are you ready?

I'm ready.

Begin the ritual.

Katie: Before Greg can write, he has to do this ritual. If we were rich, it'd be eccentric. We're not, so it's just weird. First he poses like Wonder Woman for two minutes to raise his testosterone, then he listens to jazz to activate his right brain.

[Jazz music plays]

[Snapping fingers]

Next he eats six almonds for energy. And finally, he has a glass of port to loosen up.

♪

[Sighs]

Now you're in the prose zone.

Sometimes I worry Greg's too good for me, then I remember moments like this.

Oh, Katie!

The hair, the rack, the shirt...

I don't know which to compliment first.

The rack.

Yes.

Thank you.

I'm feeling really good about my purchase, but I still have some residual Westport hate.

I can sue those shops on Main Street for discrimination, right?

Fat lives matter and whatnot?

Okay, labeling tiny clothes as large is evil, but it isn't grounds for a lawsuit.

Doris, what do you think?

Uh-huh. Sue all the lesbians.

What?

Katie, do you have any plans for this expired turkey?

Doris, you are rich. You can afford new food.

Yeah, but I hate waste.

This is sealed, and sealed meat is good for 11 years, like a Twinkie.

You know what I love about you?

You say nonsense with such authority.

Good morning, ladies.

Hey.

Are you drinking scotch?

Beside the fact that you're 12, it's not even noon yet.

It's just iced tea.

I'm practicing my power swirl for when I'm a trader at Goldman.

Of course.

[Chuckles]

Maybe you're confused on how a dishwasher works, because I get it. It's tricky.

Step one... put the dishes in the dishwasher.

End of steps.

Mom, I'll get around to it, all right?

Unh-unh.

When your mother tells you to do something, you do it immediately.

Ooh, if I was your mom...

But you're not, though, okay?

Ah, the look. Every mom gets it. Doris is imagining choking Oliver to death with her bare hands. Now she's remembering jail is a thing, so she shoves the rage down and saves it for when someone thinks she's Japanese.

Let's just avoid any bloodshed.

Hey, who put all these juices in your meat drawer?

I did.

At soccer practice, Emily said she had the best juice the other day.

Em's the goalie, and her stories are always super funny.

So then Ashley... Ash is the equipment manager... and she's awesome.

Her clothes are so cool, and her hair is like...

You tell stories just like your dad.

Get to the point.

The soccer team is doing a juice fast together.

A juice what?!

A juice fast is when you don't eat for a couple...

I know what a juice fast is.

Put down the juice and pick up an ice-cream sandwich now!

Mom, you can't make me eat dessert.

Keep this up and I will make you eat a sleeve of Oreos for breakfast.

That's legal! I've checked.

Today's my art show!

Sweetie, I'm excited for you, but Daddy is working, and Daddy has this ritual, and whenever somebody interrupts it, well, then he just has to start it all over again.

I had my art teacher e-mail you my drawing, so print it out.

Okay, well, Daddy has to write to get this thing called tenure.

The saying goes, "It's publish or perish."

Perish is the word in all my Titanic books.

It means die.

Are you gonna die?

Never.

Well, eventually, but not for a long time.

Am I gonna die?

Let's just print it out.

Yay!

Yeah.

My assignment was to draw a family portrait, and tonight it'll be on display for everyone to see.

[Mouse clicks]

[Computer chimes]

Is that the way you drew Mommy?

Mm-hmm.

Um...

It's just a juice fast.

It's not like we made a pregnancy pact like the basketball team in Norwalk.

Whoa.

First of all, you are never going to Norwalk again, and, yes, this juice fast is a huge deal!

When I was your age, I wasn't juice-fasting.

I was protesting Prince's name change and smoking clove cigarettes.

Yeah.

Don't smoke. That's a horrible example.

Katie, can I talk to you for a sec?

Not now, Greg. I'm about to say something important, and I'm glad that both of my daughters can listen.

Taylor, Anna-Kat, look at Doris, Angela, and I.

Notice we all have very different body types.

And all women's bodies are beautiful.

Yes, we get it. You love the lady flesh.

Doris, children.

Oh, please, they know.

You do not need to do anything to be beautiful except this.

Be proud of your own body and never, ever care what anybody else thinks.

Don't give in to the vanity of this town, and you, my lovely daughters, will always be perfect.

[Cheers and applause]

I crushed that.

I was like Winston Churchill in there.

Better than Churchill.

I'm better than Churchill.

It was an excellent speech.

Now, I want you to remember that and don't overreact when you see Anna-Kat's drawing for her art show.

Oh, my God. Look at me.

Remember, the crayon adds 10 pounds.

♪

"Because of his friendship with Auguste Comte, John Stuart Mill's effect on positivism cannot be understated."

I am on fire.

My oldest daughter is juice-fasting, probably because she's afraid she's going to be fat like me.

Meanwhile, my favorite child...

Can't rank them like that.

...draws me like a beach ball with gloves.

Is this how Anna-Kat sees me?

It's really not that bad.

Says the guy with broad shoulders and a full head of hair.

Well, I've been taking the stairs more and experimenting with mousse.

Maybe that's what she's picking up on?

It's a drawing of a 7-year-old.

You can't take it that seriously.

I am not the problem. The Westport mommies are.

Tonight they're gonna whisper about me and laugh and walk by me and they'll be nothing but like, [Shrilly] "Hi, Katie!"

[Normal voice] And their stupid fake smiles.

I'm not sure I can handle it.

But you just told our daughters not to care what other people say...

I remember the speech, Greg!

Why don't you go down to the art center?

Ask Anna-Kat's teacher if she'd be willing to swap out the drawing for another one.

Can I do that?

I can do that. Excellent idea.

Why can't you think like this when you're deciding what to write about?

[Door opens]

[Heroic music plays]

Taylor, I'm heading out.

Dad's posing like Wonder Woman, so you're in charge.

Heat up some leftovers for Oliver and Anna-Kat.

Mom, uh, I-I'm not allowed to make lunch after the soup-can incident.

[Microwave beeps]

♪

[Gasps]

Oliver! What did you do?!

You know, I could stay and make the kids lunch if you want.

You don't mind?

Yeah, it'd be my pleasure.

What about your kids?

They're fine.

They're overachieving as we speak.

[Cello playing]

I'm watching you.

Mom, don't be so naive.

Can't you see what's happening?

And what do you think is happening?

Doris is playing you.

She only wants to stay because she wants to mess with me.

Whoa, whoa. And Taylor.

You see? She even admits it.

Oh, Oliver, you're cute. You think I'd take your side.

Kids, Doris is in charge. Teach them manners, Doris.

[Door opens]

All right, children.

Welcome to Koreatown... the sketchy part.

♪

Mrs. Campbell.

Mrs. Campbell is my transgender father.

Please call me Maggie.

Hi, Maggie.

My name is Katie Otto. I'm Anna-Kat's mom.

I was wondering if I could talk to you about her drawing.

Of course.

What seems to be the issue?

Well...

Crap! She's a fellow fat. How am I supposed to tell her I'm ashamed of my body without offending her?

The truth is Anna-Kat's dad doesn't like how he's drawn in the picture.

Oh, my.

There's kind of like a bald-spot issue, and he's very sensitive about what the other parents are gonna think.

People can see the bald patch on his actual head, right?

He wears a lot of hats.

Oh. Well, this is her only family portrait, but if you could get her to draw a new one, I'd be willing to swap it out.

Thanks for being so understanding.

You're welcome.

But tell your husband in my experience, children always draw the truth, so he should learn to accept what he looks like.

So... that kid has a dragon at home?

I don't think so.

♪

Kids, lunchtime!

Ugh! It smells like when our hamster committed su1c1de in the vents.

This is Auntie Doris' mixed meat stew.

And none of you can leave the table until you finish your entire meal.

But I'm on a juice fast.

Stew is meat juice. Eat.

Mom, I can't eat this. I'm on a juice fast.

Nope! Talk to Doris.

Anna-Kat, you're with me.

What?

That's fine. I didn't want the little one anyway.

Mom, can I be excused?

Cooper Bradford is having a party and there's rumored to be an Xbox One in a swag bag.

Talk to Doris.

You know what? Fine. I'll play your game.

[Slurping]

[Slurping continues]

Impressive stomach for a white child.

Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah.

And where do you think you're going?

Dude, I finished my stew.

But your sister hasn't.

And leaving the table before your sister has finished is not what little gentlemen do.

And I'm a grown-ass woman, so don't call me "dude."

This is unfair. Mom!

Shh.

It's no use, Oliver. I'm your mother now.

[Taps table]

Sweetie, Mommy loved your family portrait so much that I want you to draw another one, preferably one where Mommy is wearing her new shirt, which is a medium.

I'm not sure I can make it as good as the first one, but I can try.

That's all I ask. Now start drawing.

♪

I love it, but I have some thoughts.

You see how you drew Mommy as a circle?

Mm-hmm.

How about this time, you try a different shape?

Okay.

Okay. This one's on me.

You see how you drew Mommy the same size as the house?

Mm-hmm.

Well, Mommy is in the house right now, so that's not right.

Why don't you try to draw Mommy inside the house?

Okay.

Okay.

♪

Oh, come on!

We're playing hide-and-go-seek.

You lost because everyone can still see you behind the tree.

Obviously, I'm going to have to take things into my own hands.

I have a fun idea.

How about we do this next drawing together?

You draw everyone else and I'll draw Mommy.

Okay.

Let's draw my high-school body with my now boobs. Heck, let's make them slightly bigger, because why not?

Oh, my God. Hologram Tupac just started a second set at Cooper Bradford's.

Taylor, if you have any love for me, you will break your juice fast right now.

No! I'm doing this for the both of us.

Remember when Mom had trouble waking us up?

Yeah, she tried everything until she invented throwing that frozen washcloth at us.

It is a beautiful day!

Go outside and play!

Exactly.

If we cave, Doris will be the new Señor Freezy.

You know what? You're not as dumb as everyone thinks you are.

Thank you. Aah!

Mom, please!

Mom, I fell again.

I'm not your mom. Doris is.

That's right.

Just a heads-up... I'm going out and Doris is in charge.

[Sighs]

♪

[Sighs]

Anna-Kat drew this?

She drew it so much.

What is that?

It helps me see the children's art more clearly.

Mm-hmm.

These are not Anna-Kat's crayon strokes.

Yes, they are.

No, they're not.

Are you calling me a liar?

I'm saying that you're lying right now, and you do it so naturally, probably other times, too.

Okay. I'm gonna level with you, fatty to fatty.

Fatty to fatty?

My husband doesn't care how he looks in the drawing.

I do.

You know how, here in Westport, people judge girls like us for the way that we look?

No.

Well, they do.

I'm sorry. I cannot accept a forgery.

What will my students think of me?

They'll think nothing because they're 7!

Look, I'd get this moral stance if you were a real teacher.

[Gasps]

But aren't you taking this job at the community arts center a little too seriously?

I thought fat people were supposed to be nice.

You're fat! We are both two fat people!

You know what? I'm taking this.

♪

No.

I'm sorry, Mrs. Otto.

But Anna-Kat's original drawing will be displayed tonight.

And for your information, I don't think of myself as fat.

Well, people who sit next to us on airplanes do.

♪

One of the strangest things about being my size is you don't think about it all that often.

See you at the art show, Katie!

But then life figures out ways to remind you, like when joggers run around you or kids draw you or you knock over a stranger's drink with your hips.

Oh.

There's nothing good about this situation, so I am just gonna go.

[Keyboard keys clacking]

So, I'm trying to feed your kids and I was wondering if it's okay to put them in some stress positions.

Not Guantanamo, but Guantanamo-esque.

Doris, no.

Well, then I don't know how to feed your kids.

You know what? This is your fault. Yeah.

For not crushing their spirit when they were young.

I don't think breaking your kids down is the best thing for them.

Of course it is.

You tear them down and then you build them back up into who you want them to be, like Katie did with you.

Working from home is impossible.

What are you doing?

[Heroic music plays]

Where are you looking?

Oh, your crown moldings are filthy.

I do this ritual. It's the only way I can write.

Well, then stop writing.

It's not worth you losing your dignity like this.

[Heroic music plays]

♪

[Keyboard keys clacking]

Greg, I need you.

Oh, my.

Sweetie, I've got some bad news.

Mama can't go to your art show tonight. I'm not feeling well.

What's wrong?

Well, do you know what a gallbladder is?

No.

Great.

Mine is broken, but it'll be better tomorrow.

Don't worry.

Daddy's going to go to your art show.

But I want you to go.

Well, you'd think she'd be happy I was going with her, but no.

Her disappointment was very clear.

Honey, come here.

You got to snap out of this.

[Sighs]

I love you and you're beautiful and I love you.

Mostly, I love you for this body.

I love all this. All this body.

[Laughs]

Are you drunk?

Quite.

Right.

Mama, this is for your girl bladder.

Aww. Thanks, pumpkin.

Actually, I'm already feeling a little bit better.

I have a feeling you're gonna need this later.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Okay.

Mm. Well.

Oh, they're really rolling.

Yeah.

♪

Look, Mama. My drawing's in the center.

Katie: Isn't that neat?

Let's go see it.

Sure, honey. Just one sec.

Can you help me gain the confidence to face an entire room filled with women half my size?

Mm. Mm.

He's a quiet drunk.

[Sighs]

Let's go see your drawing.

Yay!

Suck it up, Katie. What's the worst thing they could be saying? "That drawing looks exactly like her." "Maybe now she'll start exercising." "Katie Otto is so fat." Okay, I just hurt my own feelings.

I do not drink that much.

Do I?

At least you're in the drawing.

That's my nanny.

Everyone in town is so self-obsessed that no one's even looking at Anna-Kat's drawing. They're all focused on themselves, and everyone already knows I'm overweight. All these moms have serious issues to hide.

Westport is awesome!

♪

[Sighs]

You guys having stew for dinner?

No. This is still lunch.

All right, this standoff ends now.

[Slurping]

Oh.

Oh, God.

That was pretty good.

Meaty. And stewy.

Go to bed.

That's a good idea.

Mm-hmm.

I just had another good idea.

Mnh-mnh.

All right.

Katie, have a good night.

Taylor and Oliver, see, your mom and I are friends, so I'll be seeing you again and again...

[menacingly] and again.

Bye.

Bye.

Mnh-mnh. I'm not done with either of you.

Taylor, I need you to tell me the truth.

What is this juice fast all about?

Mom, I swear to you, it's just something fun to do with the team.

So you're not dieting?

You're not doing this because you're scared you're going to become fat like me?

God no!

Honestly, I don't think of you as fat.

You're just... Mom. You're really not even a person.

This disturbs and pleases me all at the same time.

Now that you mention it, you're not that big.

It's mostly just boob.

It is mostly boob, isn't it?

Is that why you drew me big? Because I'm mostly boob.

No, Mama.

I drew you big because you're bigger than all the other mommies.

Got greedy there. Felt it.

Okay, as long as this juice fast is about having fun with your friends and you being healthy, I'm okay with it.

Do you even know why I'm mad at you?

Just a general overall thing?

Katie: Exactly.

Now go to your stupid friend's house before I change my mind.

Thanks, Mom.

Oh, and I think Doris might be a sociopath.

Little bit.

[Sighs]

♪

Now you're in the homework zone.

Doesn't this concern you?

Pretty sure it's a sign of genius.