03x04 - Citizen Jessica

[bunniefuu]

Louis: Oh, yeah, that looks good. Perfect.

The curtain on this voting booth is broken.

I have a shower curtain at home... has an octopus on it.

Uh, Jess, fix this.

I want Election Day to run as smoothly as possible.

Our way of life depends on it.

What do you need our help with?

Setting up the polling station.

In just one week, voters will use our humble restaurant to choose between Bill Clinton and Bob Dole.

Well, at least we're getting paid for this.

Only in civic pride. I volunteered.

[Softly] Divorce.

Are you gonna register to vote this year, Mom?

No interest.

American politics is so boring compared to Taiwan.

[Indistinct shouting]

And those people were in the same party.

Well, I believe in voting.

Who we pick as president matters.

There's so many issues at stake.

Please. It's not as if your vote counts.

Of course it does.

Evan.

The Electoral College violates the rule of "one person, one vote."

It was made to benefit sl*ve-owners by distributing votes.

That means the candidate who wins the popular vote can still lose the election.

And that is extremely undemocratic.

But you get a sticker.

[Groans] Why are we talking about stuff that no one cares about?!

Tupac is dead!

S03E04 - Citizen Jessica

♪ Fresh off the boat ♪
♪ I'm gettin' mine everywhere I go ♪
♪ If you don't know, homey, now you know ♪
♪ Fresh off the boat ♪
♪ Homey, you don't know where I come from ♪
♪ But I know where I'm goin' ♪
♪ I'm fresh off the boat ♪

[Brakes squeal]

[Groans] This light always takes forever.

Evan, write to the city about this.

Sure, but they're getting tired of hearing from me.

Are you in a rush, Mom?

I'm late to close a deal I've been working on for months.

This house will be my biggest sale yet.

Please drive the speed limit. You don't want to hit someone.

You're right.

Then I would really be late.

[Sighs] Did you guys watch the news this morning?

Yes! The Dow Jones is at an all-time high.

Nah, man! I said the news... MTV News.

They're trying to pin Tupac's assassination on Biggie!

Biggie didn't do it!

This is just a big distraction so we don't ask how his k*ller obtained a Glock anyways.

We need better g*n control.

Which is why everyone should Rock The Vote for Clinton.

I like Bob Dole. He seems like a nice, old man.

He has a zero chance to win.

Evan, I had no idea you were a Democrat.

I belong to no party. I believe in numbers.

And the electoral math doesn't work out for Dole.

Then I guess I just have to work harder spreading the Dole message.

Is Bob Dole the one that keeps falling off stages?

[Sighing] Yeah.

Raul Rúiz!

Hey!

I just closed on my first mini-mansion...

4 bedrooms, 10 baths.

Very strange ratio, I know, but I made it work.

I know... It's a very big deal.

Mm-hmm.

How's the condo market?

Ohhh.

Well, I'll try to send some business your way.

You know...

I remember when I sold my first big house.

Practically my whole commission went to taxes.

Based on the amount of time I spent making the sale, I actually wound up losing money.

Congratulations on your success.

[School bell rings]

We've wanted her since sixth grade.

The second-best table in the cafeteria.

And it's right next to the gym door.

If you want to go play some ball, it's right there.

And there's finally enough room for all of us.

None of us have to sit on the floor.

You mean I don't have to sit on the floor.

There was no rotation, Dave.

I still can't believe we got her.

Our only real competition was Ned and his friends.

Thank God he got into Morrissey.

Singing, frowning, wearing a flower in his back pocket...

Now he eats lunch all alone.

Guys, can we agree we're k*lling it in eighth grade?

[All cheer]

Just like how Biggie k*lled Tupac.

[Thud]

One... East Coast/West Coast rivalry sells albums.

Biggie needed 'Pac to get paid.

Two... Puffy loves Biggie too much to let him do something stupid like this.

Three... Biggie travels by train.

So you mean to tell me that Biggie traveled from New York to Las Vegas, saw the sunrise over the Grand Canyon, and he still had enough anger inside him to sh**t Tupac?

Biggie's innocent.

Okay. If Biggie didn't do it, then who did?

Oh, I have my theories.

♪ I'm so sad ♪
♪ I'm so lonely, lonely ♪
♪ Lo-o-nely ♪
♪ I was sittin' at a red light ♪

Oh. Hey. Check it out, boss.

I've repurposed some of our Halloween stuff.

♪ And amber waves of [Zombie voice] brains! ♪

You're going to ruin Election Day.

[Door opens]

Hey! Did you sell the house?

Yes.

Congratulations!

Where's your celebration dance?

Are you okay?

No!

Raul Ruiz said that this big commission I earned is going to push us into a higher tax bracket.

I looked into it, and it's true.

I'm going to end up losing money on this sale to pay more stupid taxes.

Well, you know, taxes aren't all bad.

They pay for stuff we need, like roads and schools.

Whose side are you on...

[Engine revs]

It's outrageous that I should have to...

[Engine revs]

[Engine revving]

[Engine shuts off]

Hector?

Is this your car?

Ye-e-ah!

I'm into street racing.

I have a body for drifting...

A perfect 50/50 weight split.

Lucky you. My body's dumb.

Jessica: Look at this paint job.

It's like a blue car drove through a gold waterfall and then the wind just started blowing the gold away.

Hell yeah.

Check out my exhaust, too. Cost me about 1,000 bones.

$1,000?

I dropped 10 grand under the hood, too.

You can't be part of the Brown Rice Car Club without coming correct.

How do you afford all this? You're a cook.

And I'm supposed to split my tips with you. And I don't.

It's all right.

I know you and Herb are saving up for a gazebo.

Yeah. I always have a little extra 'cause I don't pay the taxman.

I took this business seminar by Wesley Snipes.

It really opened up my eyes.

Yeah.

[Sad music plays]

Male announcer: Jimmy just wants to fly a kite. Where are the children supposed to play? Support the Clean Parks Initiative. Vote "Yes" on Prop B.

Hm. I'm definitely voting for that.

All these political ads... you know they're just using that kid to manipulate you.

Female announcer: This is Sarah.

[Groans] Here we go again.

What's wrong with Sarah?

Sarah has a dream... that voters will pass a bond measure for a new mixed-use sports arena.

That's just another thing that my taxes are going to pay for that Hector will get to use for free.

Is he an illegal immigrant?

It's "undocumented immigrant."

Saying "illegal" is kind of offensive.

And no, Hector's a citizen.

How do you know?

He has a Social Security number.

Well, then, doesn't the government take taxes out of his paycheck?

No, because he asked me to pay him through his corporation, Technotron Logistics.

Hector is incorporated?!

But it costs a lot of money to incorporate.

We're not even incorporated.

Yeah, and I keep telling you we should be.

Yes, it costs money now, but we'd be saving so much money in the future.

I stopped listening after you said "it costs money now."

Male announcer: Illegal immigrants keep coming onto our shores. The federal government won't stop them, yet makes us pay billions to take care of them. But the Wall Keepers want to stop that.

I'm Jack Clovis, president of the Wall Keepers and owner of a Blimpie Subs & Salads. I want to end illegal immigration by putting up a wall of Border Patrol agents on our shore. Enough is enough. Also, come down to Blimpie's. We've improved our crabmeat.

Such fearmongering. Can you believe this ad?

Put those back.

This is messed up.

Why?

You're a citizen, so... doesn't apply to you.

Jessica, these signs are a huge polling violation.

No electioneering within 100 feet of a polling place.

I thought you'd be happy.

I now see the point in voting.

But this proposition is anti-immigrant.

So?

You're an immigrant.

I'm a legal immigrant.

I did it the right way.

I went through the immigration process.

I waited my turn.

I didn't jump the line.

This is just about fairness.

Oh. Hector, come back.

He's the only one with the key to the freezer.

[Door closes]

[Engine revs, tires squeal]

[Whistles]

Tupac wanted to leave Death Row Records.

His k*ller is obviously Suge Knight!

Shh! Don't say his name, fool!

He's like a hip-hop Candyman!

Shh! Don't say "Candyman."

Man, screw Tupac.

Hey! Hey! Ooh!

Tupac wasn't really a thug!

He went to a fancy performing-arts school.

He studied acting and ballet.

He was in "The Nutcracker" and played the damn Mouse King.

"Thug life"? Try "hug life."

That's immaterial, homey.

Walter, stick to the question at hand.

Who do you think k*lled him?

Courtney Love.

That's stupid!

This has Tony Danza written all over it.

For real?!

I just read in Source magazine that Tony Danza used to write to 'Pac when he was in prison.

So? They're pen pals.

It's super-weird but not a big deal.

Yeah, but here's the thing about Tony Danza...

He doesn't like it when other people succeed.

Tony Danza is the first person to lift someone up!

His letters were the only thing keeping 'Pac alive!

I have a question...

Who's Tupac, again?

I bet Lil' Kim and Faith Evans teamed up.

Naw, man! It was...

No, I know who did it!

It's my turn to talk, tricks!

No, I think it's your turn to shut up!

Your mom didn't tell me to shut up when I took her to dinner and a movie.

Oh, did you order the nuggets off the kids menu?

Ask her to cut up your hot dog?

At least Brian believes in Christmas.

We are Unitarian!

I can't listen to a guy who has a crush on the school nurse.

She's fine and she take care of me.

You know what? I'm not really enjoying this table right now.

Me neither.

This blows. I'm out.

Guys, come back! We could lose the table!

Did Tupac sing "Parents Just Don't Understand"?

Guys?!

Vote for Bob Dole?

Don't you want to vote for a sweet grandpa?

Vote for Bob Dole.

Are you voting for Clinton or Dole this year, sir?

I'm voting for the Green Party candidate.

Oh. Okay.

Well, I'll vote for this chair, then, 'cause it has an equal chance of winning.

Here, Emery. Let me help you.

Here you go. Vote for Dole.

Thanks, Evan.

I'm thrilled you've decided to join the revolution.

Oh, I haven't.

I'm just trying to prove to you that we can hand out all these buttons and it still won't make a difference.

Listen to the wind, brother.

Boys! No electioneering within 100 feet of a polling place!

[Crowd chanting in distance] What about Hector?

No! No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!

[Chanting "No al 187!"]

What the hell?!

I brought my car club to protest Jessica's support of Prop 187.

Don't worry. They'll be gone soon.

I called the authorities.

The police can't do anything. It's a peaceful protest.

I didn't call the police.

[Alarm clock rings]

Wake up! Register and vote! Rock the Vote!

Naw. My friends are irritating the hell out of me right now.

They all act like they're the smartest ones at the table.

I don't need to be around people like that.

But Biggie didn't k*ll Tupac!

Thank you.

VJ: And now for the posthumous premiere of Tupac's "Toss It Up," featuring Danny Boy and K-Ci & JoJo.

["Toss It Up" plays]

♪ Toss it up ♪

[Rapping] ♪ Lord have mercy, Father help us all ♪
♪ Since you supplied your phone number ♪
♪ I can't help but call ♪
♪ Time for action, conversatin', we relaxin' ♪

Oh, my God.

I can't believe you called INS to do a sweep.

If everyone is here legally, there should be no problem.

[Engine revs, tires squeal]

You can still get him.

There's a long, terrible light at the end of the street.

It takes, like, five minutes.

Ma'am, you'll have to come with us.

Why?

We ran a check on everyone here and found two illegal immigrants...

Hector Martinez and you.

What?!

Ma'am?

[Snaps fingers] Ma'am?

She's shutting down.

I've seen this before... When Connie Chung blew off her autograph request at Nordstrom's.

Again, we don't speak Spanish.

He was the only attorney I could find on short notice.

Plus, he gave me a free T-shirt.

Okay, here.

Just fill this out to update your Green Card and restore your permanent-resident status.

I thought "permanent resident" meant "permanent."

I didn't know I had to keep renewing my Green Card.

I would have found this out sooner if you'd ever registered to vote.

I'm a permanent resident. It's basically the same thing.

So you just plan to have a Green Card forever.

Don't you want to become a citizen?

I tried, but the process was so...

They interrogate you and they ask you a million questions, like you're a criminal, like they're trying to catch you in a lie.

Plus, you have to take a test, memorize the Pledge of Allegiance.

Why would I want to do all that?

To vote, to be on game shows...

It takes years, it's expensive, and it's all for a piece of paper that will make no difference in my day-to-day life.

Is that why you never wear the American-flag pin I got you?

No, I don't wear that because I don't like holes in my shirt.

I'll send you a bill.

And I will wait till the final-reminder letter to pay it.

Oh. Hector called.

He quit.

He's afraid to set foot in here now that the INS knows about him.

So he really is undocumented.

He said his folks came here from Mexico for a better life when he was a baby.

I bet he was a really cute baby.

[Sighs]

Well, I'm sorry about Hector, but the rules are the rules.

How could you say that?

Right now, you're technically an undocumented immigrant, too.

But my situation is different.

I just messed up some paperwork.

Hector is here illegally.

Do you know who the original illegal immigrants were?

The Pilgrims.

This country was founded by illegal immigrants.

Like my porcelain Colonial mice figurines.

I know.

And I respect them.

This issue is too complex to be reduced to a sound bite...

Like that Wall Keepers ad that manipulated you.

Or that Clean Parks ad that manipulated you.

That's different. Jimmy needs to fly his kite.

[Sighs]

Look, people like Hector are stuck in a gray area.

His parents brought him here. He was raised in this country.

He loves America. He has a family.

[Sighs] What if it were you?

Besides, he's the hardest worker we have.

I mean, who's gonna do a better job... Nancy?

I've already dropped two taco platters, and I'm not even on the clock yet.

[School bell rings]

Eddie: Thank you for coming.

I'm sorry things got so heated.

That "hot dog" comment hurt.

I have to cut them up because my jaw has a weak hinge.

And we could've lost our friendship over what turned out was just us being ill-informed.

New information has come to light.

["Toss It Up" plays]

What are you pointing at?

Wait for it.

[Rapping] ♪ Lord have mercy, Father... ♪

He's wearing Penny Hardaways!

And when did Nike release those?

Like... a week ago.

Which is way after Tupac d*ed.

It's like this video was sh*t after his death.

So, are you saying...

Tupac is not the guy that sang "Parents Just Don't Understand"?

[Sighs] What I'm saying is that none of us are right about who k*lled Tupac...

Because Tupac is still alive.

Trent: It makes sense.

Walter said he was an actor.

Maybe Tupac staged his death to get out of the rap game.

Well, that's stupid.

He probably did it to boost sales.

Yo! We can disagree and still be friends.

It doesn't have to turn into a fight.

Like, we can insult each other, but just do it in a funny way.

Like how you're a baby who sleeps with a Gloworm?

Not like that, no.

Sorry.

It's okay.

I'm just saying...

Every time a rapper dies, their sales go up.

So it makes sense that Tupac would've thought...

Voting is about to begin.

I'm expecting long lines.

If you can't handle it, guess what.

You can.

[Door opens]

Hey, boss.

Hector. I thought you quit.

I did. But then, uh, Jessica called me.

We went to see that immigration attorney.

He figured out how to get Hector right with the law.

I have to pay all my back taxes, but if I sell my car, then I should be able to cover what I owe.

I'll have to return to Mexico for 30 days and, uh, reapply for my visa, but, uh, he said it shouldn't be a problem.

But when he comes back, Hector's going to help us incorporate.

He says it will cost money now, but we'll save some money in the future.

That is literally what I said. I said the exact same thing.

I think you put Hector through enough.

We are even now.

Please don't embarrass me by thanking me, and I won't embarrass you by apologizing.

O...kay.

I'm sorry for not being straight with you, boss.

It's all right.

I really thought you were a citizen, though.

You gave me a Social Security number.

I gave you the code to get directly to Mike Tyson in Mike Tyson's Punch-Out!!

007-37-3596.

Oh.

[Watch alarm beeps]

It's time to go live!

Unlock the doors.

Precinct 42 is officially open for democracy!

I can't believe only four voters showed up.

With voter apathy at an all-time high, this election had the lowest turnout in modern history. But break out the Cuban sandwiches, because Prop. 187 was stopped at the border.

[Chuckles]

What Gus is trying to say is that it was defeated.

It's a confusing, racially problematic choice of words.

Well, tell that to all the open mics where it k*lled.

Countywide early returns indicate all precincts went to Bill Clinton.

Hell yeah!

Except for Precinct 42, where Bob Dole miraculously won by a landslide!

Yes! You said that Bob Dole wouldn't win any precincts!

Yes, congratulations on your victory, Emery.

Who did you vote for, Dad?

Oh, no.

I was so focused on running the polling station, I forgot to vote.

I'm part of the problem.

You are also part of the solution.

I decided I'm going to apply for citizenship.

[Chuckles] That's fantastic!

I'm not going to let the process intimidate me.

Bring on the interrogation. I'm ready.

Mm. I want to be able to vote.

And to be on "Wheel of Fortune" one day.

Whoo!

Oh, no! Our table!

I'm depressed.

What do we do?

I'm not gonna tell him to move. It would devastate him.

[Scoffs] I guess we'll make it work.

Of course I'm sitting on the floor again.

Of course I am.

We'll do a rotation. I...

Oh, don't!