01x09 - Hair of the Dog

[bunniefuu]

As a matter of fact, it is very European.

You know?

I just don't...

In France, they don't.

You know, the kids aren't shaving now, either, which is amazing because they've finally caught up to me.

Yeah, well...

They shave everything.

All of Max's friends, they shave...

I don't like it.

Everything off the down...

I don't like it.

On the front bottom.

The downstairs.

And they're armpit hair... Mine is nothing compared to theirs.

Theirs is like this.

Oh, really?

Yeah.

Legs, armpit hair, everything they keep, and no bushes.

They all look like Barbies.

You used to walk around, and it was upsetting to me.

(chuckling) Did I really?

Yes. I have images that are b*rned into my head.

Oh, please let's not talk about it.

I don't like the things...

Shall we not?

Oh, dear me.

Well, you know, you could have thrown on a skirt once in a while.

Your father liked it, though.

Oh, can... No.

No, no, no.

La, la, la, la.

♪ La, la, la, la, la ♪

Fine lady, ride a cock-horse.

Ride a cock-horse.

Both: With rings on her fingers and bells on her toes, She shall have music wherever she goes.

There we are.

♪ Mother, you had me

But I never had you

I wanted you

You didn't want me ♪

Did anything happen?

Did you two do stuff?

Sam: No, we just hung out.

Honey, (chuckles) you did things.

There's no way you didn't.

Well... yeah, we did stuff.

Man: You said you weren't going to.

Sam: I know, but I realize that

I was using him for sex.

I knew what I was getting into. I know about it... Him.

I want to...

You know, I want to have something real with you.

Really?

(chuckles)

It's a mutual thing, I don't care about him, he doesn't care about me.

(moaning)

(chuckling)

(moaning)

But wait.

Do you...?

Do you have a condom?

(exhales) Uh...

No.

(laughs)

We totally used condoms.

(chuckles) No, you didn't.

No, you didn't, Sam.

(scoffs) Yes, we did.

Okay, you want to keep pretending you did, go ahead.

Thank you.

What's going on with you?

With, like, Grant's-his-name?

Ugh, nothing.

I got rid of that loser.

Good.

Honey, no.

Let me suck your d*ck, I'll get out of your hair.

Sam: I miss you. When are you coming to see the girls?

I miss you, too.

Girl: Sam, this is totally awesome.

I can't believe we're gonna see Joe Walsh live.

I am...

Both: Freaking our tits off!

I know!

Did I do good? Did I do good?

Yeah, you did good.

Yes, my sweet.

Yes!

Hi, hi.

Hi.

We have these, so can we please?

Okay. Go on in.

Thank you.

They can't drink.

Yeah, we know.

Ooh, we can't drink!

We can't drink.

You can't drink.

Sam: You can have a sip of mine.

I'm gettin' a beer.

Oh, we're fine, Mommy.

Thanks. You guys should go get your beers, though.

Sam, you are my second mom. I can't believe this.

I've literally been obsessed with Joe Walsh since I was, like, seven.

Thank you, thank you.

Oh, honey, you're welcome.

Oh, also, my parents want you guys to come over for a family dinner soon.

Oh, my God, yes, Mom, we have to. Please.

Who are you telling? I want to more.

This is nervous.

Oh, it's okay, honey, just breathe.

Yeah. Okay.

Hi.

Hello.

Hi, can we get on the floor with these?

Uh, no, you need a bracelet.

Oh. Can you maybe make an exception and just be nice?

Mm, I'm sorry, love.

Really? Okay.

You know what? I totally understand.

You're doin' your job.

Yep.

Yeah.

Respect that.

Okay.

Hey, hang on.

Ain't you that lady from that therapist show?

Yes.

Right?

This is her.

Yeah. Couple years ago. Yeah, that was me.

That was crazy sh*t.

Oh, cool. Thank you.

Nice.

So, still no on the floor?

Yep. Still no on the floor. Sorry, love.

Okay, bye.

See ya.

I'm sorry, you guys.

I really wanted to get you on the floor, but this is cool, right?

This is nice.

Yeah. You're so sweet, and you're really cute, but we're gonna try and get on the floor before they start.

(cheering)

You guys have fun, okay?

I love you guys. I'll see you after.

But they're not gonna let you on the floor, honey, with those.

Man: Thank you. Thank you.

(cheering)

I was never that.

Huh?

I was never, never that.

No.

I didn't even know how to try to get into things.

I wore my brother's hand me downs.

I didn't even give a crap how I looked.

I just like... I was a friggin' fat sh*t, and I just sort of shoved my tits in the faces of people who would look.

Or touch.

How come she didn't even want a sip of my beer?

Because, honey, they are vaping their faces off at the moment.

Oh, yeah.

I know.

Okay, fine, you want to get drunk?

Yes.

Oh, no, but I have this. Wait.

Wait. Hold, please.

I have devil.

Jesus, Macy, throw that away.

Stop it.

I'm not throwing it away.

Sorry, Mom.

(cheering)

Don't throw it away.

I'm not throwing it away.

It's great to be back here at the Avalon.

I love it here.

Uh, we-we've had some great, great times here.

I... I don't remember a lot about that, but, uh, my band tells me we just had a great time here.

And so here we go. Enjoy.

(cheering)

♪ ♪ (intro to "Life's Been Good")

Whoa. So sorry about that.

Oh, it's okay. That's what vodka is clear for.

At least we're sanitized.

♪ ♪

Hey. You look familiar to me.

That's 'cause I go out to clubs every night.

No. Do you know who you look like?

Jillian Michaels.

Ooh, yeah.

You have her vibe.

Oh.

♪ ♪

My name is Aaron.

Oh. Oh!

Hello, Aaron, I'm Sam.

Nice to meet you.

You, too.

Hello.

♪

I have a mansion, forget the price

Never been there, they tell me it's nice ♪

(cheering)

Dude.

Dude.

Dude!

Little dude!

It's funny how they come running to dude.

(laughs)

Hi. Hi.

What?

Isn't this great?

Don't I take you to fun things?

Yes, Mom, thank you. What?

We have really good spots right up front.

Well, I just wanted you guys to meet J.J., and this is his friend Aaron.

He said he knows Paisley.

Uh... yeah.

Hi.

Hi.

Um... We're gonna go.

Thanks, Mom, see you later.

♪ ♪

Where the hell is Macy?

Mom, don't even. I can't believe you.

What did I do?

Okay, I'm gonna say it.

Paisley blew Aaron.

Did Paisley blow Aaron?

I think Paisley blew Aaron, and I introduced everybody, and it was all very awkward.

Mom.

Mom!

So I guessed it. Right?

I think I'm right.

I know I'm right, too.

Oh, my God.

That's why you're upset. Paisley...

I am so sorry.

It's okay, Sam, but please don't tell my mom.

Of course not.

Honey, I'm so sorry, I get it.

And if it's any consolation, I see people I blew all the time.

We all live in the same town.

Really?

Oh, my God, I never thought about that.

Jesus Christ, Mom. Just stop.

No, it's okay.

I mean, you can either live with it, or not go out.

Or blow less people.

(chuckles)

But this is more fun, to go out, right?

Yeah.

Going out's fun.

Yeah.

Okay. Good girl.

Okay, the Lyft's here.

I think Macy's in the bathroom.

(whispers): Sorry.

Hey. Hey, Max, Max.

It's okay.

No, it's not okay.

Yes, it is.

Your mom's hard core, yeah, but she's so real.

Like, she talks to me.

And she notices things, and she cares.

Not like my mom would ever talk to me like that.

Like straight up without freaking out.

Or you can just talk to me.

No.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Come on.

(groans)

Eww. Yeah.

Eww.

Yeah, I know.

I'm gonna go now. Mom's calling.

Oh, Lordy. Right, goodbye, lovely.

Boys.

Bye.

Hey, I'll tell my dad you said hi.

That's so funny that you know him.

Don't tell him in front of your mom.

Aaron: Bye, Jillian Michaels.

Yeah, bye.

He was so cute.

Oh, Jesus.

Oh, they also definitely look a lot older than I think they are.

So that's the plus.

Okay.

They're very like all jobs-having men...

Yeah, Lyft is here.

I'm very, very confused.

Okay, but one thing.

Yes, one.

Did you blow that kid's dad?

Yes, sir, I did.

Yeah.

And yes, sir, I have.

Yeah, I thought so.

So you're, like, Eskimo sisters with Paisley.

No. I'm not.

That's awesome.

Not really, because we didn't touch the same d*ck.

I actually... Well, I touched its father's d*ck.

So I was...

So you're like...

You're like blowing Eskimo mother and daughter with Paisley.

Yeah.

You finally had a kid.

Good.

Oh, my God. You know, they should do a genealogy show about who blew who and who shtupped who, like... sexual activities connected through the generations.

Yeah. Wow, God, I have a cluster headache.

I do. It's woozy.

It's okay. It's okay.

We gotta get you home.

Hey, man.

Get her some chamomile tea.

With a lot of hot sauce in it.

It's the best thing for a double headache.

Sam: No one would take it.

The Jews, the vets, the gays.

They all rejected it and said it was too big for their, like, showrooms or stores.

Oh. The divorce table.

He had to have it.

I didn't want it, I paid for it, and guess who is now literally stuck with it?

Man: Oh, honey.

Yeah. This is too big.

(sighs)

And people don't really like, uh, shabby chic stuff anymore.

They can't turn it around.

What? This table is amazingly gorgeous.

It's not shabby chic. What even is that?

I can get rid of it for you. Do you want me to?

Yes.

200 bucks I'll take it to the dump.

What? Me pay you?

You want me to pay you $200 to take it to the dump, which you're not, I mean, what do you have, like, a warehouse where you take people's sh*t that they want to give away?

Yes, that's what's going to happen.

Oh.

So you sell it.

And you make crazy cash.

Well, that's really... I mean, wow.

Oh, you know what? I am so sorry to drag you guys out here for nothing, but I think I'm gonna keep it.

I don't want to part with it.

(speaking Bulgarian)

But, you know what? I have something for you.

You're here. I have something for you.

I have... Here.

I have books. I have some books.

Um, like, there's... Some of these are vintage.

And, uh, you guys can totally sell these.

You can sell the sh*t out of these if you want.

Here. Here. Take. Good. Nice.

There ya go.

Also, I... Oh!

I have a chicken.

I have a chicken.

Oh! I have three chickens in here, and I don't know how to defrost, and I would love to give you one. Okay?

Nice? Good?

(speaking Bulgarian)

Yes, we will take two of the chickens and the books.

That's great. I'm so happy.

I'm happy to give you these, because, seriously, I don't know how to defrost.

Uh, at all.

Okay, thank you guys. So nice to meet you.

Thank you. But can I just ask you guys one thing.

Where are you from?

I'm from Bulgaria.

Oh. Cool.

I don't know that part of the world at all.

North of Greece.

So, do you cook?

I have always been cooking. My father taught me.

So how are you gonna cook that, the chicken?

I have a way of cooking chicken that makes the meat fall off the bones.

Hi, guys. Hi.

Um, I was wondering... I just need two guys.

Two to do a little bit of work.

You know, for maybe, like, 50 bucks or something.

Two of you guys?

All right, great. How are you?

No, no, no, you can, uh, follow me.

In your car. Right?

No, señora. We don't have a car.

Oh, sh*t.

Hey. (whistles)

Hey.

I have a car.

I can follow you.

To where?

Your house?

♪ ♪ ("Life's Been Good")

Thank you so much.

Girls. Come down.

Help me carry things.

We're eating outside.

We're really eating outside?

Yeah.

Yay!

Yay!

Max. Frankie. Come on, dinner.

Mom, I have too much homework. Can I just eat in my room?

No. Please come down.

Get your sister.

(groans)

(door closes)

This is very annoying!

I made dinner and it used to be hot!

(groans)

Here, you want to take these?

Sure.

Thank you. Hello. Jesus!

What, Mom?

I made chicken. I got a new way to make it.

Mm?

Where are we eating it, out front?

No. In the backyard.

Go.

Here, you want to take these? You got 'em?

Don't drop 'em.

Oh!

I know, we did that when we were at Altared.

I've done that with my friends before.

Dry your teeth first.

Mom.

Who are those guys?

Sam: That's Herman and Paul.

They helped me move the dining table, they're staying for dinner.

(whispering) It's fine.

Mom, that's really weird.

No.

Mom, that's really sweet.

Thank you.

I'm excited. Hi, guys.

Hi.

Outdoor dining table. Isn't this fun?

Isn't it gonna get ruined out here?

Who cares? Let's live.

Yeah, whatever.

I'm sick of it being in the garage.

This is nice.

Nan! Hi.

I heard lots of voices and I thought...

I must just come and see what's happening.

Yeah. Join us.

How are you, Grandma?

I... I mean, I know I'm not asked, but I could...

I could maybe sit there, couldn't I?

Absolutely. I'm happy you're here.

Are you? Darling, look, look.

(man singing in foreign language)