03x04 - Taffy Days

[bunniefuu]

Thanks for coming, Mrs. Trundle.

Without you, the second shrimp platter would have gone completely to waste.

You know, having 50 old people say great things about your dad is exhausting.

Trying to convince them you're not the hired help is no picnic, either.

You didn't complain when they tipped you.

Money's money.

That Eunice was a hoot.

After we straightened out the kink in her oxygen tube.

I got asked out by your dad's 75-year-old cousin.

Of course, he kept calling me Esther and asking me what heaven was like.

(laughter)

We don't mean to laugh on such a sad occasion, Oscar.

Oscar: Oh, no, he would have wanted us to laugh.

You know how he was.

He was the best.

Yeah, I loved that man.

So, how are you holding up?

Pretty good.

I feel lucky that we were on good terms after we reconnected last year.

You're welcome.

And I made sure to call him a lot.

At my insistence.

And said all the things we needed to say.

Also me.

Felix, keep it up and you can be the next picture.

Oscar, just remember, the grieving process can be tricky and it can take longer than you think.

Yeah, Tuesday mornings are going to be rough.

That's when Walter and I had our weekly video chats.

Seriously, Murph?

Yeah.

We got real close last year.

He called it Tuesdays with Murphy.

(crying)

There, there, buddy.

I'm sorry my dad d*ed.

Here, have a sucker.

I love how you put your dad's candy all over the place.

Well, making candy was his life.

He would have wanted us to enjoy it.

It's like every holiday rolled into one around here.

(Teddy chuckles)

Oh, and death.

Oscar.

Need I remind you of your recent trip to the dentist?

And what did she say, hmm?

That you shouldn't be allowed in the exam room with me?

No, that your tooth was infected and to avoid sweets.

Luckily, I am here to make sure you follow her orders.

I believe her first order was, "Get away from his mouth, Felix, you're not a dentist."

Dani: Oscar, it's time for the video conference with your dad's lawyer.

Guys, why don't we give him some space and clean up.

(cell phone buzzes)

It's my wife asking when I'm going to be home.

"Gonna be a while."

"Very emotional day."

Ooh, I got dibs on the mini quiche!

(whispering): Hey!

I'm worried about Oscar.

He's putting on his brave face, but I can tell he's avoiding his pain... both dental and mental.

I think he's coping pretty well.

Yeah, he's holding up better than I would be.

I cry when my phone dies.

You can't see it, but as his dearest friend, I can tell you he is crying out for help.

I don't know...

Oscar: Felix, I need you!

Well, well.

What can I do for you, my fragile friend?

Make the lawyer face happen.

Nope.

(computer program beeps)

Lawyer (on computer): Oscar?

Stanley Barnes.

Nice to meet you, though I'm sorry about the circumstances.

I loved your dad.

Oh, thanks.

He was one of a kind.

So let's cut to the chase: your father was a very wealthy man.

Crazy, crazy wealthy.

What? Are you sure?

Yes, and he's leaving it all to you.

All $300 million and...

Oh, wait.

No, wrong... wrong file.

Ah, here we go.

Your dad had... next to nothing.

Yeah, that's more like it.

He did have one last request: that you scatter his ashes in the river behind his first candy factory.

I remember that place.

When I was a kid we used to swim in that river.

Until my eyebrows fell out and my grades started to drop.

What a touching memory.

So about the ashes... your dad asked that you scatter them with someone named Patty Dombrowski.

Really? His old business partner?

They haven't spoken in 30 years.

Ooh, mysterious.

What happened?

I don't know, but Patty's name was forbidden around our house.

We had to call our favorite mints "peppermint betrayals."

I'll email you Patty's address.

Again, sorry for your loss.

But congratulations on the $300 million.

Oh boy, I did it again.

Well, guess I'll have to find Patty and take care of this.

Maybe next week.

No... Oscar, Oscar, Oscar.

You can't put this off.

You need this closure as part of the healing process.

I have closure.

I'm moving on to the candy part of the process.

Fine.

I'm going to need you to empty your pockets.

And your jacket.

And the candy corn in your underpants.

Damn it!

♪

Okay, Pop, one last road trip.

Oh no.

First mate Felix Unger requesting permission to support.

What are you talking about, man?

I thought I would come along and help you with your tooth.

And any other pain you might be experiencing.

Felix, you don't have to come with me.

I'll be fine on my own.

Nonsense.

I brought along the antibiotics, which to no one's surprise you left on our kitchen table.

And plenty of lukewarm water for your temperature-sensitive tooth.

Felix, I don't want...

And a six-pack of pudding cups.

We should get in.

Oscar...

You will not regret this.

Two friends on the open road, one hurting, one helping to heal the hurt.

One wanting to hurt the healer.

Okay, well, that just sounds like a cry for help.

You know, in Mexico, they celebrate the dead with DIA de los Muertos...

What are you doing?

Oh, Dad's riding shotgun.

He talks less.

Did you really have to ask him all those questions about his family?

Toll booth operators are people, too.

Hi.

Does a Patty Dombrowski live here?

Well, she used to.

I'm her mother, Mrs. Dombrowski.

You can call me Mrs. D.

I'm Oscar Madison.

Oh, I'm so sorry about your dad.

Such a lovely man.

He and Patty used to test their candy recipes right here.

They always created the sweetest-smelling kitchen fires.

Please sit down.

Oh, thank you.

I'm Felix Unger.

The pleasure is mine.

Ooh, a charmer.

I like him.

You wanna keep him?

So your daughter and Walter worked together out of your kitchen, the sweet aroma of sugar mingling harmoniously with a generous scoop of entrepreneurship.

Okay, he's beginning to annoy me.

So, Mrs. D, if you don't mind my asking, why'd Walter and Patty stop speaking?

Well, you'd have to ask Patty.

I'm sure she would love to see you, Oscar.

I'll write down her address.

Oh, thank you very much.

Now, Oscar, let's take a quick water break.

Remember what the dentist said: more hydration makes inflammation take a long vacation.

She didn't say that.

She easily could have.

Is he always like this?

Oh...

You have no idea.

So, how are you holding up?

Tooth-wise and... otherwise.

Would you stop asking me that?

I'm getting tired of hearing your voice.

Voice of Felix: Oscar, Oscar, Oscar.

How'd you do that?

Oscar, Oscar, Oscar...

How are you doing that?

It's your mobile device.

What the hell?

It's an alarm I made to remind you to take your medication.

I took your phone and recorded it while you were sleeping.

How did you get the password?

I took a sh*t with 1-2-3-4, and what do you know?

Well, I'm going to change it now.

To 5-6-7-8?

Damn it!

I'm not taking that pill.

That's okay, I understand.

I understand completely.

I would not force you to do something that I would not do my...

Oh, look, how about just a snack though?

Hey! Peanut butter on a cr*cker!

Wait, is there a pill in here?

(shushing)

Swallow.

Who's a good boy?

I am. I'm a good boy.

Can I help you?

Yes.

We're looking for someone named Patty.

Oh, Patty's my sister, but she's not here right now.

Ah...

Has she gotten herself into another one of those three-way-affair thingies?

No. This is Oscar Madison, Walter's son.

Oscar?!

Oh, Oscar, Oscar.

Oh, your dad was the sweetest guy.

He gave me my first job... babysitting you.

Wait a minute, Viv?

Mmm-hmm. Yes!

Of course.

Babysitting for Oscar.

I would ask what that was like, but I have a pretty good idea.

He used to do the cutest little dance when he had to pee.

We called it his pee-pee dance, didn't we?

Oh, I don't think we have time to...

Please, Viv, tell me more.

He would eat anything that wasn't nailed down: orange peels, dirt, handfuls of the dog's fur.

But I was adorable, right?

Not what I'm saying at all.

You were less like a child and more like a young, chubby goat.

(laughs)

I like you, Viv.

If you want to talk to Patty, she usually spends Saturday afternoons hanging out at McConnell's bar on 5th.

Thank you.

Shall we, Oscar?

Oh, pee-pee dance!

He's been forcing me to hydrate all day.

Do you have a...

Yeah, yeah.

Is there a way I can...

Is there a room that I could...

Right that way, yes.

Oh, keep your hands off the dog!

She's not here.

Let's just go home.

I'll do this some other time.

Oscar.

What? Like my dad's in a rush?

Stop avoiding... you're doing this.

Bartendress!

Hey.

So, can I get you boys a couple of ice cold beers?

Hell yeah!

Absolutely not!

Oscar, no.

No alcohol while you're on the antibiotics.

I need something to dull the pain.

Of you.

I have plenty of fluids here in my Manny sack.

Wow, an even creepier way of saying fanny pack.

Oscar, that is not a good idea.

Okay, how is that cold sensitivity going right about now, huh?

(high pitched): Not a problem.

Miss, do you know a Patty Dombrowski?

Oh, yeah, she just left here a little while ago.

Why, who's asking?

I'm Felix.

This is my adult roommate, Oscar Madison.

He's Walter's son.

No way!

Grubby little Oscar Madison?

Yeah.

Oh, my God!

Your dad used to bring you here when you were little.

One time you ate a whole package of urinal cakes.

It said cake.

You were always eating.

You were like a little...

Goat.

Goat.

I loved Walter.

He had the greatest stories.

He really kept this place laughing.

You guys talking about Walter?

We used to work at the candy factory.

Back in the day.

Walter was the best boss.

Oh, yes, some of our happiest days were working for that guy.

Before he and Patty stopped working together.

Do you know what their fight was about?

No, but it got ugly.

I heard he tried to strangle her with some licorice rope.

I heard that she licked a candy cane into a sharp point and stabbed him.

Then he gave her a chocolate egg filled with cyanide.

Now I'm just making stuff up.

So, do you guys know where Patty is?

Fred: Gee, I don't know.

But maybe if you were to buy us a beer, we could...

She's at the factory.

Dude!

We were this close to getting free beers.

I didn't say candy factory.

So the candy factory is still open?

After your dad left, Patty kept it going.

Okay, let's go.

Voice of Felix: Oscar, Oscar, Oscar.

Are you kidding me?

Pill time!

You are driving me crazy with this thing!

Voice of Felix: Oscar, Oscar, Oscar.

How do you turn it off?

Take your pill and I will tell you.

Voice of Felix: Oscar, Oscar, Oscar.

You just broke your phone.

Totally worth it.

Hi, we're looking for a Patty Dombrowski.

If you're from the health department, my hair net's over there.

I can't believe your dad's gone.

Sorry for your loss.

Thank you.

He's in there?

Yes.

Hey, Walter.

Been a while.

You look a little ashen.

He always liked a good joke.

He sure did.

You know, I used to come around this place a lot when I was a kid.

Yeah, there's not a machine in here that you didn't lick.

Including the forklift.

It said fork.

It didn't say lick!

Thank God the government wasn't big on health codes back then.

Back then?

In 1980?

Okay.

So anyway, Mrs. Dombrowski...

You're a middle-aged man.

Call me Patty.

Okay, Patty.

Well, in my dad's will, he wanted you and I to get together to scatter his ashes.

Really?

That's odd.

The way things ended with me and your dad, I didn't think he'd want me part of this.

Want a taffy?

Yeah.

Actually, Oscar will have to decline.

He's having tooth problems.

Patty: Who is this guy, your butler?

He's a pain in my butler.

Oscar isn't minding his health.

Well, you are not minding your own business.

Well, you are acting like a child.

You heard the lady, I'm a middle-aged man!

Voice of Felix: Oscar, Oscar, Oscar.

Oh, you cannot be serious!

That's right, I knew that you would disable the alarm on your phone, so I put a backup on mine.

I should never have let you come on this trip.

Now give me your phone!

No, when you take your medicine.

Give me your phone!

When you take medicine!

Oh dear.

Oh dear? That's $200 worth of taffy!

And, you know... my dad.

What do we do now?

Well, this isn't weird at all.

Just a night at the river with a giant vat of ash taffy.

What flavor was it anyway?

Well, it was watermelon.

I guess now it's Waltermelon.

Okay, let's do this.

(clears throat)

So long, Walter.

Thanks for all the good times.

Godspeed, Mr. Madison.

I don't know what to say.

This is really hard.

Oscar, it's okay.

Take your time.

Dad, I'm really gonna miss you.

I hope that wherever you are, the New York Mets are on and it's always the '86 World Series.

I loved being your son.

I still do.

Okay.

Bye, Dad.

Well, I guess we're going to be here for a while.

While we're waiting for my dad to splash down, do you mind if I ask what the fight you two had was about?

Well, back in the mid-'80s, we invented a new flavor of taffy.

He wanted to call it Ocean Breeze.

I hated that name.

What name did you prefer?

Tropical Wind.

I mean, the choice was clear.

Ocean Breeze.

Tropical Wind.

We used to fight about all kinds of things, but for some reason we never got over this one.

What happened?

We yelled.

Then we stopped yelling.

Then we stopped talking.

Next thing you know it's 30 years later and his son shows up with his life partner to tell me he's gone.

Oh, we're not...

Let it go.

I wish I hadn't been so stubborn.

Well, maybe Dad sending me here was his way of saying the same thing.

Well, I'll let you finish up.

Enjoy the ocean breeze, Walter.

You were right, Felix.

This was a much harder trip than I thought.

I'm sorry I snapped at you.

I'm sorry I got overbearing.

It's what I do when...

Well, it's what I do.

Well, I'm glad you do it.

Thanks for coming.

Hey, let's make sure we don't end up like Patty and Walter, okay?

That's just what I was thinking, buddy.

Oh, look, hey, he's picking up steam.

Come on, Dad!

Keep oozing!

Keep oozing!

(taffy splashes)

Huh.

Taffy floats.

Your father is going to make that family of seagulls very happy.

Oscar, is that a police officer?

I think so.

Should we flee the scene?

Well, considering we are dumping a body, yeah, we should.

Flee the scene!

Both: Ah!

All: Ah!

I didn't eat a whole pie!

All right, fine, I ate a whole pie.

What are you guys doing here?

It totally wasn't because we started eating the leftovers and then passed out.

No, we wanted to be here for you when you got back, so you would know that we're here for you.

And now you're back, and we're here.

For you.

Sorry, I polished off all the leftover wine.

She tried to kiss two of us.

No, no, no, no, no.

So, how'd it go? Did you find Patty?

Yeah, it was a good day.

Felix: Yes, it was.

A lot of healing.

Speaking of which, it is time for your medicine.

Oh, buddy, can you give me a break from the pills for a while?

Yeah. You had a pretty big day.

You know what, why don't you just have this nice pie?

Mmm.

Mmm-hmm.

Thanks.

Mmm, that's really good.

You put a pill in it?

I did.

(shushes)

I'm a good boy.

Okay.