01x09 - Neighborhood Watch

[bunniefuu]

♪♪

Ta-da! It's a focus wall!

Chic Urban Design says if you wallpaper a single wall in your home, it really draws the eye.

That's fantastic.

I didn't even notice that wall was there.

Oh!

I also baked these brownies for the professor for when he gets in from Humboldt.

Mm, nope.

Now that he's finally forgiven us from buying all that Hufflepuff from another grower, I really want things to be nice.

Paige, the professor has been high since 1986.

We could put out week-old Cinnabon.

I home you told him to bring a lot of weed, though, because our supplies are really low.

(banging in the distance)

Awful neighbors again?

What is with this?

I thought we were supposed to be the ones who were loud and obnoxious.

They finally moved in last night.

(gasping)

Let's go downstairs.

We can be the first to complain for once.

Hello, upstairs neighbors, anyone home?

(man) Come on in!

Oh my God.

(Jordan) Where the (bleep) are we?

Hi, neighbors!

Hi!

My God.

Oh, oh, we're hugging.

That's happening.

Nate, I see you.

Paige, hi.

Hi, Paige, Toby.

Jordan, hi.

Welcome.

Please, please excuse the mess, we're still getting organized.

We kept our place in Brooklyn, but we sold our house in the Hamptons, and there's just way too much furniture and still more coming.

We're probably gonna have to throw most of this stuff in the dumpster.

Starting with this garbage sofa.

Oh yeah, total trash.

See?

People in LA are so much more honest.

I told you, Nate.

We're so in love with this neighborhood.

(Toby) It is just about to happen.

Oh my God, is that a Yeti, a real one?

This guy, he gets random groups of people together and gets them on roller coasters, then gets them to take off their clothes and he photographs them.

It's like two of my favorite things in life rolled into one: thrill rides and public nudity.

I want to be in one of these photos... so badly.

Well, that's one of Nate's pieces.

He's Nate Yeti.

(Jordan) You're Yeti?

Wow, I can't... I can't believe that.

I can't believe how much work you guys have done on this place.

I mean, it's a rental.

I know, but we just can't live in a place without making it our own.

We did it in our New York apartment, too.

Oh my God, I love New York so much.

I mean, the restaurants, the theater...

Oh, you know, we actually have an extra ticket to the LA premiere of "Hamilton" and I have heard that Lin is gonna be in the first show, but nobody's supposed to know, but he's a friend, so...

Oh my God, they call him Lin.

Oh, Nate, we have got to get this sofa outside before that next truck comes.

Can we continue this later?

So nice to meet you.

I mean, we have things to take care of upstairs as well...

(Toby) All right, lift with your legs.

(Nate) Legs.

Not your back.

(groaning)

One, two, three.

I mean, how great were they?

Even I like them.

When they said extra "Hamilton" ticket, they meant me, right?

How else would you interpret that?

We live upstairs from Yeti!

They can never come up here and know that we took their couch out of the dumpster.

I mean, that is a given.

I feel like our whole lives are about to change.

Already have.

♪♪
♪ Say baby what's your name? ♪
♪ Are you the one Mary? ♪
♪ Are you Jane? ♪♪

No, this is our new dumpster couch!

No!

No, get down!

Get outta here.

Okay, so we didn't have enough cash in the cash box to buy Nate and Toby a new housewarming gift, but... what if we gave them the candle we bought for Jaime's daughter's wedding?

Yeah, but Jaime's like family.

I mean, he gives us such a great deal on all our pot-yatas and he like paints in the bloodshot eyes.

No, I know, but the wedding's not for another month, and once the professor gets here, we'll have enough cash to buy another one.

Come on.

♪♪

Wow.

So, Nate, how do you cast for your photos?

Like do you have an open call or let's just say there was someone who had like a super like slammin' bod, and were totally down to go meet some strangers and... and show her pubes in public?

Oh, I mostly cast people from my church.

Oh, your chur... your church?

Hey, girls, we were going to call you.

Oh, we brought you a housewarming gift.

Oh...

Oh...

Oh my God, is that a Veronique poncho?

Huh? Oh, yeah.

Veronique and I grew up together.

She'll always be Ronnie to me.

But I guess there's like a huge wait list for these things.

They're like the "Hamilton" of ponchos.

(laughing)

Well, Veronique is coming tonight.

Nate, did you invite the girls?

We're having a thing.

Oh.

Should we open this together?

Our first housewarming gift.

Oh, wow!

It's a bird candle!

Thank you!

We'll have to find a place for that.

Mm-hmm.

Anyway, so tonight, you should definitely come.

Oh my gosh, thank you so much for inviting us.

Good, I mean, you've been here so long, obviously, you know so much about the neighborhood.

Oh, it's one of the perks of running a delivery service.

See, you're the perfect people to help us ferret out those drug dealers.

Who... what?

Apparently, this neighborhood is crawling with drug dealers.

I mean, talk about just the lowest form of human life.

What did you girls say you deliver?

Flowers.

We deliver flowers, we are florists.

Florists.

So anyway, tonight, neighborhood watch meeting/dinner party, you'll meet all our peeps, we'll figure out who these dirt bags are and get them out of town.

And maybe we can order some flowers, too.

(cell phone chiming)

You betcha.

Oh no, this won't work.

Nate, the upholsterers are saying they're picking up the new sofa today and it's either today or next month.

We probably should have held on to the garbage sofa.

The meeting.

I know.

Aw, sh**t.

Yeah.

Really wanted to have that meeting tonight, get those drug dealers.

Or... what if we had it at your place?

Our place?

If you're offering.

Are we?

Thank you!

See you then.

See you then!

See you then!

♪♪

Well that's it.

All the weed and weed paraphernalia are hidden.

What's... can we...

I left a message with the professor, told him to abort, so there's nothing to suggest that a drug dealer lives anywhere near here.

Oh, we forgot about the brownies.

Crap, I don't... I'm out of hiding spaces.

Um...

Ah, I'll put them in there.

If anyone asks, the oven is broken.

Whoa.

I know, right?

Had to drive all the way to Beverly Hills, sneak into a bar mitzvah and steal those.

There was no way we could afford anything that nice to impress Nate and Toby with, and you saw how much they hated our bird candle.

Listen to this.

You know how Nate said he cast people out of his church?

He's a member of P.E.A.K.

So I go to the personality center and I picked up a copy of this book.

I took a test, I signed a thousand-year contract.

The book was free.

Um, that kind of seems like overkill.

I have to get off on the right foot with Nate.

Once he believes I'm a member of the P.E.A.K. church, he'll totally put me in a nudie photo.

(sighing)

Do you think it looks nice enough?

It looks amazing.

DDL, off the couch.

(doorbell ringing)

They're here.

(gasping)

Ho, ho, ho!

I come bearing gifts!

And by gifts, I mean weed that I've grown.

No, no, no, you can't be here.

We left a message!

Oh yeah, I got that.

Here I am.

I'm so sorry, Professor, you can't come in.

We're having a party.

I spent seven hours in a car to bring you guys product and I can't be a guest at your party?

You know, all this and the Hufflepuff incident?

I'm beginning to think that you don't want to be in business with the professor.

Oh, no, no!

No, no!

You're absolutely invited to our party!

Hey, for the next two hours, could you just promise me you won't like get high or talk about weed?

Yeah.

Ooh.

That'll be an interesting experiment.

And could... could you go to the bathroom and just look a little more... or just look less...

Just go hang out in there.

(sighing)

(doorbell ringing)

What are we gonna do with all of this?

What... I...

Wait, Jordan!

We're coming!

(sighing)

Hello.

(Nate) Hi. - Hello.

Oh, look at this place.

It's so...

BoHo millennial chic.

Thank you.

This is Veronique.

It is such a pleasure to meet you.

I am a huge fan of your ponchos.

Thanks.

And this is Tasha.

She's a chef.

She owns Courtesy.

Oh my God.

That place is supposed to be amazing.

Well, you'll get to taste tonight.

That would be truly an honor.

Please, come in.

♪♪

Under this roof, we are still in the shadow of the mountain.

I didn't know you were a fellow climber of the P.E.A.K.

I open my eyes to you.

In the shadow of the mountain.

In the shadow of the mountain.

Wait. Paige?

Yeah?

These flowers.

Yeah.

They were at the Beverly Hills Hotel today.

You did the flowers for Pharrell's bar mitzvah?

Get out.

Yes, I did.

Um, that was an event that I did at a hotel in... in Beverly Hills.

Mazel tov.

I can't believe I didn't see you there.

I catered it.

You did?

Well, you know, it was just one of the events that I did today.

I'm sure you know how that is.

I was running all over town.

Veronique.

Paige did Pharrell's.

Oh, then you must know Gwyneth.

Gwyneth.

God, we are like...

I love her.

We should call her and tell her that we're together.

Um, I... I... I think she's out of town.

She is?

She didn't tell me that.

I wonder why she didn't tell me that.

God, I knew she was mad at me.

(doorbell ringing)

No, that new assistant is horrid.

I'm sure there's just been a misunderstanding.

Bentley, no!

We are having a neighborhood watch meeting.

But I live in the neighborhood.

Where they're trying to bust local drug dealers.

Why the hell are you having that meeting?

It is a long story, but the point of it is we're maxed out on weed dealers.

(sighing)

Hey, Professor, how... how you feeling?

Jordan, it is the strangest sensation.

I feel like I've been in a submarine, underwater for years, and now I've finally come to the surface.

All of my senses are super acute, my nose is filled with smells and I'm pretty sure that dog is trying to communicate with us.

(whimpering) _

Hello.

Ah...

I don't believe we've met.

Toby.

This is the Professor.

He's an old family friend.

Mm-hmm.

Oh.

What do you teach?

Economics.

At a college.

I actually have a PhD in economics.

And a family.

Oh...

Uh...

Academics, always eccentric.

Come on, buddy.

Do you have a phone that I can use?

Oh, hey, Nate, what are you doing?

What do you need?

It's 7:00.

Time for evening contemplations.

Yeah, it is and I do them over here, let's go.

But we need to be in a room that faces south in order to face the Great Mountain.

I know that, but I took my first level one in Australia, where north is south, so that's... may the Great Mountain God forgive me.

Give me one second and then let's do that thing you...

♪♪

Ugh.

Laundry day, it's so unholy.

Like I can't even contemplate when there's laundry about.

What are you doing?

Nate needs to go into my room so we can pray to the Great Mountain.

What are you doing?

I'm designing the flowers for Ariana Grande's Easter egg hunt.

Tasha recommended me.

Tulips are too obvious, right?

You know you're not a florist.

Says the woman pretending to be a fourth-level P.E.A.K.

Uh, I wish I was fourth level.

They get to go on the cruise.

Gotta go, late for contemplation.

♪♪

(humming)

I...

I... ascend... ascend... the mountain. mountain.

The summon...

The summon...

(Bentley) ♪ I kick it so beautifully uh ♪
♪ Ain't no one as true as me uh ♪
♪ I'm slicin' and dicin' and eating' the b*at up ♪
♪ Like it was charcuterie uh... ♪

Would you excuse me for just one second?

Great Mountain, forgive me.

♪ Yeah ♪
♪ You know I lose control of my soul ♪
♪ Every time I smoke a pig's butt whole ♪♪

Swag.

Uh, if you'll excuse me one second.

Thank you so much.

What's up?

Bentley, what are you doing?

I am spittin' hot bars and taking no "pris-nars."

What does it look like?

What?

You're not invited here, I told you that.

As a drug dealer.

You didn't say nothing about being a world-famous freestyle rapper.

You're not.

Well, I would be if I wasn't k*lling it slanging mad dope.

And that Chef Tasha, she is lovin' it.

She's gonna cater my South American tour.

Paige.

Oh.

Toby tells me that you wanted a poncho.

There's a very long waiting list, but I think you should have one.

Really?

Also, do you think that we could go in there and talk privately about Gwyneth?

Did she say something to you about me?

Hold on one moment.

Jordan, could you come over here, please?

Veronique and I have something very important to discuss in my room.

Do you think you could get your dirty laundry out of there?

My dirty laundry.

Oh, let me get... yeah, let me get my laundry, let me get...

Yes.

See, the thing about female friendships that I've always found is just...

Socks and undies coming through.

...sometimes it's just such a complicated...

Ah, Bentley!

What the (bleep)? I need you, Jordan.

We need to make love.

Control yourself.

I can't.

I control my wood with weed, but you won't let me smoke weed, so what's it gonna be, J?

Wood or weed?

There are no other options?

I don't know.

Come on, give me like a BJ or an HJ just to...

I don't know, just blow on it, flick it.

(cell phone clicking)

Here! DIY!

Finish as quickly as you can.

You'd be surprised how many people tell me that.

(gasping) Jordan.

I want you to be in one of my photographs.

In the shadow of the mountain.

In the shadow of the mountain.

Jordan.

I get a poncho.

I get to be in a Yeti.

This bullshit actually worked.

I started this equation 20 years ago, and now... I finally understand how to complete it.

Wow, you were right.

That focus wall really grabs your attention.

(doorbell ringing)

We're actually pulling this off.

I'm here for the drug dealers.

♪♪

I have the constitutional right to refuse a request to search.

I... I'm sorry, am I in the right place?

I'm... I'm a friend of Toby's.

I'm... I'm here for the neighborhood watch meeting.

Yes, yes, come in, come in.

♪♪

All right, so we in law enforcement really rely on close-knit communities of likeminded people who look out for each other and look out for criminals.

So right here, we have some footage from a traffic camera of a couple delivering dr*gs.

Right here you can see the man and his female accomplice.

I'm sorry, how... how can you tell it's a man?

Uh, Jordan?

Well, uh, uh, his height and the broadness of the shoulders, and... and here, you can see, he starts to relieve himself in the street.

What a dirt bag!

See, that's exactly what we're talking about.

This neighborhood is on the verge of a major renaissance.

We could be leading that charge.

Especially if we want to profit from it.

Buying property in a neighborhood before it gentrifies is like striking oil.

You will not believe the deal we got on this crappy piñata store we're replacing with our nap bar.

What's a nap bar?

Oh, it's like a dry bar, but for naps.

Wait, the piñata place on Mohawk?

I mean, that's been open forever.

We buy all our piñatas from Jaime.

We're actually going to his daughter's wedding.

Why do you buy lots of piñatas?

Oh, well, we fill them with flowers.

Jeez, Jaime's going out of business.

I mean, I'm sure you gave him a decent amount of money, right?

We paid him an appropriate amount for a neighborhood in transition.

Can we get back to the, uh, footage?

Oh my God, look.

My Camembert tart's congealing, I have to reheat this right away.

Oh, I can get it, I can get it.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

No, you can't, because our oven's broken...

Broken.

...and the new one's on its way from France.

But it got caught in customs.

Because we are not losers.

Uh, well, if you don't mind running downstairs, you can use ours.

I will do that.

I will be right back.

♪♪

Ooh.

Whoa.

(cell phone chiming)

"Toilet would like to sync with your phone."

Okay.

(woman) Welcome.

No way.

Initiating modesty music.

(classical music playing)

Would you like to try the bidet function?

I've never tried a bidet.

(water running)

Ooh.

Oh.

Oh...

(cell phone chiming)

What's a waterfall?

Whoa!

No phone is currently synced.

Yes, it is.

Yes, it is...

What?

Sync!

Sync!

Ahh!

Un-sync, un-sync!

Stop!

(whispering) Hello, police?

Hi, I'd like to report a missing person in Silver Lake.

It's a young woman.

Uh, a white woman.

She's blonde.

(feedback blaring)

(woman on walkie-talkie) 5-5-7-4.

I'm so sorry, I've... I've got to run.

I've got a code blonde.

(cell phone ringing)

What are you doing?

Are you still downstairs?

(Paige) Jordan, Jordan!

♪♪

I bet I could fix that oven.

I used to have one like it in one of my kitchens.

It's a classic.

(dog whining)

Something's so familiar about this fabric.

Oh.

It's time for my mid-evening contemplation.

Stop!

Whoa!

What the...

Jordan!

Jordan, help me!

It's like "Titanic" in here!

Okay, give me... ahh... give me a minute.

No, Jordan, Jordan, don't leave me!

(coughing)

Oh my God.

Oh thank God.

That was really complicated.

I had to turn it off at the source.

They have an orgy shower?

I'm really glad we stayed so tight with these guys.

Yeah.

Still a little sad that they're putting Jaime out of business, though.

I know.

But maybe we can talk to them about it.

We did a really good job of convincing them that we're upstanding members of society.

I think they'll listen to us.

Yeah.

We wring you out first.

♪♪

Hey, guys, sorry that took so long.

Care to explain yourself, ladies?

I am shocked.

All this time, we're looking for the lowlife drug dealers, and it turns out the low-lives are right under our noses.

We should have known when they got us that gross candle.

Okay, you know what? You got us.

We deliver dr*gs.

But we are not dirt bags or low-lives or losers.

We are good people.

Yeah.

You stole our garbage couch.

No.

We repurposed your garbage couch.

The only thing that we actually did wrong is we tried too hard to make you guys like us.

And so we pretended to be people that we weren't.

But you know what?

It was awful.

I mean, yeah, do I want a better life?

Beautiful ponchos, expensive theater tickets?

Sure.

But I don't want to lie to get those things.

I'm proud of who we are and what we do.

And that bird candle is beautiful.

And it was meant for someone who was like family to us.

The only thing that I'm ashamed of is that we wasted it on you.

You know what else?

I like our neighborhood just the way it is.

I like it cheap and dirty.

I don't want to kick out families who've been here forever so you guys can put in, what?

A dumb nap bar?

(scoffing)

Not in LA.

You wanna nap?

That's what your car's for.

So now that this officer's gone, let's make it official.

You live downstairs from weed dealers.

Welcome to Los Angeles!

Well, now that that cat's out of the bag.

What the (bleep), Toby?

You said that we were taking down drug dealers.

We thought like heroin, oxy.

Weed?

Weed is cool.

It's like the new Internet.

We're buying land in Humboldt.

Ooh, welcome, neighbor.

Hey, somebody wrote on your wall, by the way.

We both have our weed cards.

I'm high right now.

So I'm assuming you're not a climber of the P.E.A.K., then.

No, I am not, unless they hold me to that thousand-year contract.

But I did sign it "Seymour Butts."

Mmm, good one.

Toby always did blow things out of proportion.

What?!

Oh...

Don't think we won't turn you in.

Go ahead.

I'm sure Officer Davis would like to know about your non-draught compliant bathroom.

Oh yeah, we saw it.

Made a big mess in there, too.

Seven showerheads?

Japanese toilet?

Bypassing the water meter at the install?

That'll be a fun demolition, and expensive, too.

You've just bought yourself the worst neighbors in history.

I hope you like 4:00 a.m. dance parties.

I just downloaded "Lemonade."

I... I do.

(clearing throat)

Oh, sh**t.

I didn't extort that "Hamilton" ticket from them.

Don't worry about it.

I still have a key to their apartment.

We can poop downstairs whenever they're out of town.

Who wants to smoke weed?

Oh, me, please!

Girl, you are singing my song.