01x03 - Let Your Love Groan

[bunniefuu]

[Indistinct conversations]

[Music plays]

Neal?

You must be Molly.

[Laughs]

Relax. Take your coat off.

Okay. Sorry.

[Clears throat] I'm a little nervous.

I've never gone out with someone I met online before, so...

You're kidding.

No. [Exhales sharply]

Well, I am on all of them...

[Exhales sharply]

Tinder, Hinge, Holefinder, you name it.

Although after tonight, I may be closing my accounts.

[Chuckles]

[Giggles]

O-kay...

[Gulping]

Uh...

[Exhales sharply]

You want to go screw in the toilet?

Yes. Yes, I do.

[Moaning]

God, you're amazing.

Tell me you love me. [Panting]

What?

Tell me... you love me.

Uh..

Mm! Mm!

I...I don't know.

Yeah.

Tell me you love me.

Uh... Oh!

Oh, you are a nasty little smurf.

I love you.

Yeah, yeah, oh, yeah.

[Demonic growling, screaming]

Good night, guys. See you tomorrow.

[Knocks on door]

[Door creaks]

All clear in here? Closing up.

Hey, buddy, you okay?

Bar's closed.

[Screams]

♪♪

Man on radio: We can expect temps today in the low 50s to upper 60s.

What's wrong, Jean?

Oh, Jesus.

Jean: I'm supposed to visit my Nana, but I'm up to here with old-lady stink.

You need Decay Away!

Decay Away? Tell me more!

[Exhales sharply]

Hungover?

No. [Inhales sharply]

I just... picked up Grace at her father's and his girlfriend was there.

I'm sorry, did I say girlfriend?

I meant "Fiancée." And how do I know that?

'Cause she has the ring.

His bitchy grandmother's diamond engagement ring... giant.

And she wouldn't give it to me, because my hands are "Too masculine."

Your timing couldn't be more perfect.

They're doing speed dating tomorrow night at Champs.

[Groans] Champs is for losers.

Also, what if they won't let me in, you know, with my "Monster hands"?

Come on, you're new to the area, you work all the time.

How are you gonna meet someone new?

Hey, I'm gonna be there.

I'll help screen out all the creeps.

No. You're not the best judge of crazy.

["Rollin' Coal [Me and My Crew]" plays]

No, I would... I would need someone really judgmental.

[Indistinct conversations]

Wow. That's... It's funny...

I-I don't see any boxing ring, and I don't see no bear.

In fact, I don't even see no Russian about to fight a bear.

All I actually do see is an ocean of boring with no land in sight.

Name tags!

I'm sorry.

I made up the bear stuff, 'cause I didn't think that you would willingly come to speed dating.

I'd willingly give a bear a prostate exam before I'd willingly come to speed dating, for Christ's sake.

Please? Okay. You know everybody in town.

Just point out the weirdos.

A bear fight...

It's the stuff dreams are made of.

You got to let that go.

You're a shining star.

[Exhales sharply]

[Clears throat]

So, did you always want to pull weeds at the cemetery?

T-totally. Yeah. Totally.

Her name is Maisy, and I have a cat tree for her, and it has a little planter that I made, and I just love just to hold her at night.

Cheers!

Hey!

Okay, s-sure, sure, sure.

Cheers.

Right here. [Chuckles]

Oh, eye contact. Right.

Yes.

Important.

We already met.

You remember?

I don't think so.

Yeah, you arrested me for peeing in a mailbox.

All these balloons kind of look like boobs to me, don... don't they?

What?

But she's the boss.

She keeps all the other cats in line.

Y'ever see a cat fight a snake?

What?

That's what I'd like to see. Or better yet...

You ever see a cat fed into an industrial chipper?

[Gasps]

It's a cat blizzard... cat.

Oh!

You like liquor?

It's fine.

Good.

I like liquor, too. Connection.

Bottoms up.

Oh, I have always wanted a pot-bellied pig, but they're very expensive.

I mean, I have "pig money," but not, like, "Pig Money," if you know what I mean.

[Sighs]

Go ahead and make this snappy.

I got to whiz.

No, you don't.

It's straight bourbon, if you want some.

All righty, then.

So, what are you, about 5'8"?

6'2", eyes are blue, sister.

Hmm.

Hey. I'm Sloan.

Uh, I'm Evie.

Nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you.

This is totally weird, right?

Oh, my God, yes. Yeah, really kind of is.

You know, you'd think they'd separate us into age-appropriate groups.

But then I guess I wouldn't have gotten to talk about catheters so much tonight.

[Laughs]

Thought I was the only one sitting...

Lucky you.

I know.

Yeah.

I... I know I just sat down, but you are, like, the first person I've met that seems kind of normal.

You want to... go somewhere?

I know. It takes a lot of work to be an alcoholic.

I'm in.

All right.

Sure, why not?

Let's do it.

Okay.

[Music plays]

So... this is me.

Oh.

Yeah. You really didn't have to walk me all the way up to my house.

You know, I'm... I'm the sheriff, remember?

Right.

[Laughs]

So, Sheriff, are you busy this week?

Yeah, I'm just... But, you know, just sheriffing, uh, and, you know, mothering.

You should call me.

We can... do something normal.

Great.

Great.

[Clears throat]

Good night.

Night.

Okay... um... bye.

Yeah.

Right.

[Keys jostle]

[Lock clicks]

[Electrical whirring]

[Stan hums]

[Doorbell rings rapidly]

[Birds chirping]

Oh! Oh, my God!

[Snorts]

It's a boy! [Gasps]

Thank you. Thank you for granting my wish.

We are soul mates. I just know it.

[Telephone ringing]

What? Yeah.

Well, of course I remember you.

I ain't senile, for God sake.

Yeah.

Well, sure.

Yeah, I know that place.

All right, then.

Yeah, I'll meet you for lunch.

All right. See you then. I look forward to it. Bye.

Denise!

[Thud]

♪ Lovey-wovey-wovey-lovey-dovies ♪

Denise.

♪ Lovey-wovey-wovey-lovey-dovies ♪

Did you eat my bacon?

I took it, but I didn't eat it.

♪ ...makes my heart skip a b*at ♪

[Pot-bellied pig grunts]

♪ Lovey-wovey-wovey-dovey, you're so cute ♪

You fed my bacon to a pig?

Everybody loves bacon... Oh.

It's unnatural.

Where the hell did the pig come from?

I don't know.

Last night, I was talking about wanting a pig, and then I woke up this morning and there he was.

I named him Murgatroyd. I think we're soul mates.

Remember this day, because soon I'm gonna tear my head off, throw it through the window, and escape out the broken glass.

Remember this day.

[Whispering] What are you doing?

Get back in here!

Well, it looks like someone got lucky last night.

I don't know what you're talking about.

Well, look at me.

I got a spring in my step, a rosy glow.

I mean, I didn't technically meet anybody, but I j...

All right. If you must know, I did meet a charming gentleman last night, and he walked me to my door and that was that.

You could have fooled me.

You look like you were out all night.

Now, I didn't meet anybody at the party, but after, this chick sent me the filthiest text.

Ah, let me read it.

"What has four legs and a hump?"

Oh, my God...

"You and me on a date." [Chuckles]

What the hell is happening to me?

I will have the number 3... the fried-shrimp double-bacon-egg and cheese burger, medium rare.

And I will have the garden salad.

And instead of what he ordered, he'll have the grilled salmon.

Thanks.

What would you say just happened there?

Stanley, eating like that is gonna k*ll you.

I want you nice and healthy.

It's hard to even imagine that you've been divorced.

Look, you're even losing your hair.

Ah, I think it just committed su1c1de when it found out what I was actually having for lunch.

Stick with me, and you'll live forever.

Hmm. [Giggles]

It already feels like it.

[Whistles tune]

♪ I'm feelin' light in the head ♪
♪ I think you put a spell over me ♪
♪ I'm walking on a cotton-candy cloud ♪
♪ And yet I'm going weak in the knees ♪
♪ I've got the lovey-wovey-wovey-lovey-dovies ♪
♪ Lovey-dovies ♪
♪ The lovey-wovey-wovey-lovey-dovies ♪
♪ Lovey-dovies ♪
♪ For you ♪
♪ You swept me right off my feet ♪
♪ Ooh, lovey-dovey ♪
♪ You took my breath away ♪
♪ Ooh, lovey-dovies ♪
♪ It's like you gave me a fe-e-ver ♪
♪ And I want it to stay ♪
♪ I've got the lovey-wovey-wovey-lovey-dovies ♪

So nice, so nice.

♪ The lovey-wovey-wovey-lovey-dovies ♪
♪ Lovey-dovies ♪
♪ For you ♪
♪ Lovey-dovey for you ♪

Here, let me help you, sweetie.

Oh! [Bone cracks]

Oh.

[Exhales sharply]

[Gasping] We did it.

Sweet relief.

Good work.

[Sighs]

Evie, there's something I want to say to you.

It's about how I feel, and... I hope you feel it, too.

Oh.

Oh, Evie, say you love me.

What?

Goodbye.

[Exhales sharply]

[Sighs]

[Sickly] I'm home!

[Coughs]

Hmm.

Oh! Aah!

Aah! Aah!

Aaaaah!!

Hmm.

No.

Denise: You know, we should probably put in a pig door for Murgatroyd, so he can come and go as he pleases.

Don't you think?

He ain't gonna stay little forever.

Before you know it, he's gonna be a big, fat, regular pig like everybody else.

Hey. There you go, buddy.

[Snorts]

Yeah.

Probably shouldn't offer you an apple standing this close to the oven, should I?

[Doorbell ringing, Murgatroyd squeals]

Right. I see your point.

Eh, we don't want any.

What the hell happened to you?

You used to be pretty, and now you look like the business end of a baboon's assh*le.

Thanks. Can I... can I come in?

Yeah. Want an apple?

No! No. God, no.

Can't seem to sell this thing.

Oh, Christ.

Well, look at the bright side...

Now you can say all the r*cist sh*t you want.

Hell, I... I can't wait to be your age.

[Sighs] All right. We got ourselves a succubus.

Stan, how you feel since you, uh, since you met Brenda?

Awful! She's always pecking away at me.

She won't let me eat what I want, and she...

Hell, she gave me a watch.

What? A watch is nice.

Well, it's not a watch-watch.

It counts your steps, and is that what we've become as a country, a bunch of nancies afraid to eat bread, counting our steps?

Tell you, the first thing I want to count is how many steps it takes me to run my head into a band saw.

All right.

So, it says that a succubus, uh, drains its life force from its victim, and, uh, its ultimate goal is to make that willing victim fall in love, and then it can shape-shift into its true form.

All right... Me, you... Where's Denise?

She's playing with her pig.

Literally. She... she has a pig.

Okay.

So, a succubus needs a willing companion, right?

So we just go to dump their asses.

Oh, breaking up with a woman is easy.

You just look 'em in the eye and you say, "I know you're pregnant, and I-I know it ain't mine."

Okay.

And even if she ain't pregnant, she gets so angry that she... she just goes nuts, and that's when you go, "Look, I'm out of here."

[Scoffs] "You're nuts."

[Scoffs]

All right. Okay!

Here it is... a Sumerian break-up incantation.

This is great.

Now, we have to do this one at a time... because you got to be wearing this amulet.

Uh... I am supposed to meet Sloan for a date in 30 minutes.

You sit tight. Don't do anything.

I'm gonna break up with the succubus.

[Bones cracking]

Oh, Jesus!

Don't... Don't offer to help.

[Coughs]

It never occurred to me.

[Inhales sharply]

[Music plays in background]

[Indistinct conversations]

Thank you.

[Door closes]

Hey, hey. There's my girl.

[Clears throat] Sloan, uh...

We need to talk.

Okay, sure. Everything okay?

Barra...

Babe, what is this?

[Groans] ...Darisam...

[Laughing] Okay.

Don't you say it, you old hag!

Not in this bar.

[Coughs] Galal!

[Demonic scream]

[Splattering]

[Laughs]

[Gasps]

Hey, nice work with that bat.

Although, since the victim has obviously disappeared, that leads me to believe that this was all just a dream!

Ga-lala-lala... Everyone just continue dreaming!

[Door closes]

We'll be back with more "Deadliest Chefs."

Woman: What's wrong, Jean?

Jean: I'm supposed to visit my Nana, but I'm up to here with old-lady...

Guys, it works! Huh?

Stan, we got to find Brenda.

[Slowly] Hey.

Denise, have you been dating anyone recently?

[Scoffs] No.

Or just, like, hanging out with somebody new?

No, nobody but Murgatroyd.

The pig.

Well, that's it. That's it!

Denise, you got to get rid of him.

[Amulet jostles]

I can't. No, I-I'm going to my room.

Murgatroyd.

[Panting] Why can't... I run? Why...

Oh, for Christ sake...

Do you not... Denise!

Denise! He's gonna k*ll you!

[Doorknob jostles]

Denise: He wouldn't do that!

He's just a pig!

That's it.

Tomorrow, I am taking this door off.

You have officially lost your door privileges.

I mean, why tomorrow. Why not today?

That's curious.

It's never quite enough for you, is it, huh?

[Electric whirring, demonic growling]

[Screams]

[Demonic howl]

[Evie screams]

Hey, guys. You remember Murgatroyd.

[Demonic howl]

[Tail cracks]

Aah!

Evie! [Screams]

[Howling]

[Splat]

Huh? Bacon for a pig.

[Snorting] Suck on that.

[Demonic howl]

[Grunts] Huh?

Okay. Okay, Denise, we'll put this on you.

Okay, now all you got to do is say...

sh*t!

It was really veiny when I wrote this!

Hammy!

[Demonic howl]

Uh... bar-nuf... bar... or deljib?

No, no, no!

Uh... ba-barra... barra, barra!

Barra.

Dar... Darisam! Darisam!

[Grunts]

Darisam.

[Grunts]

Gelal.

Ahh, pig!

[Weakly] Gelal.

[Splattering]

Gah!

Well... [Exhales sharply]

You guys might have been right about Murgatroyd.

"Might" as in, like, "Maybe."

Brenda: Why do I smell bacon?

Right on time.

She doesn't even bother to knock anymore.

She just... lets herself in like she owns the joint.

Whew. [Panting]

[Door closes]

What reeks in here, pork? [Sighs]

Stanley, I'm trying to keep you healthy.

Yeah, that's, uh, about enough of that.

Evie, let me... give me the...

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

Uh, how's the... How's the thing go?

Right here.

Oh.

Uh... Barra Darisam...

Gelal!

Yeah!

I don't get it.

Oh, God damn it.

Here, I thought you were a life-sucking succubus.

[Scoffs] So did my ex-husband.

Well, what... What do you call that?

Varicose vein?

Brenda, listen, dear, I, uh...

I know you're pregnant.

And I know it ain't mine.

[Whispers] Sorry. Really sorry.

[Whistling tune]

♪ Lovey-dovies for you ♪
♪ Lovey-dovies for you ♪