02x06 - The Trial of Geoffrey Quinn

[bunniefuu]

I suppose you heard that Principal Quinn was arrested earlier today.

Apparently, he exposed himself to a group of students in some sort of a school prank.

Aah!

[Students screaming]

I've been b*rned before. Literally.

T-the combustion point of crème de menthe is 88 degrees Fahrenheit.

88?

That's the most dangerous of all the apéritifs.

[Dog barks]

♪♪

Andy: What if Quinn gets the electric chamber?

Oh, you're thinking of a microwave again.

Oh, right. The gas chair.

What if Quinn gets the gas chair?

[Sighs]

Hey, you two do realize that Quinn could get 20 years for this.

20 years?

He won't serve a single day!

Not a single day! Ha!

Except for the time he's already served, but that's Dave's bad.

Whoo! It is my bad. It is my bad.

But in my defense... who's ever heard of a bail hearing? Am I right?

Yo. Dave. Ha ha.

I'm Zack.

Holy... Quinn hired The Law Bros?

Dude!

I pee on your guys' urinal ads all the time.

Tight!

Tight!

Enh! Enh! Enh!

Unh! Unh! Unh!

Ga-ga-ga. Whoo!

Hey! Hey!

[Both laugh]

Now I'm gonna have to warn you.

You may not recognize Quinn.

Prison has a way of changing man.

♪♪

Ooh.

Whoa.

Carl! Hey, I think you're in the wrong courtroom.

This is my trial. Yeah, you're in 17. Good luck.

Remember, the truth will set you free.

Or it'll get you 9 years.

Guys! Hey! [Cackles]

Oh, my God! What have I missed?

You got to fill me in on everything!

Obviously no "Bachelor" spoilers.

Did he really say he loves two women?

He did! He did!

No, don't tell me!

Don't tell me!

He's a dog.

Ha ha! Trial.

Hi.

Brought my wife's briefcase.

♪♪
♪ Quit wasting my time ♪
♪ I ain't here for you ♪
♪ I'm just putting in work ♪
♪ Till my day is through ♪

Now, Leslie, you and I are cut from the same cloth, wouldn't you say?

Actually, no.

You're a country-club shrew with a silver spoon up your ass, while I may or may not have once worked for the Miami mob.

Well, I can tell by your tone that you're tenured, so I'm just gonna cut to the chase.

Now, because of Quinn's indecent-exposure trial, a reporter is coming to Smoot.

And my time here hasn't been exactly smooth.

Ha! I'd call it a g*dd*mn train wreck.

Call it what you will, but I can smell a smear campaign a mile away.

Ooh, sounds like you've got an expensive problem.

That's what I like about you, Leslie.

You have a price.

And, you see, I need to make this place look like a... A good school?

No, a perfect school.

I need well-behaved kids, modern classrooms.

Ha! Here?

[Laughs] That's impossible.

Ladies, with enough cash, nothing is impossible.

Follow me.

Behold.

Cattie: Now, Leslie, this is exactly what I don't want them to see.

Are they making iPhones?

Kids! iInmigración!

♪♪

[Bell dings]

Good work, kids.

And for the right price, I can do this for the entire school.

Now, now, what... now, what are we talking about price-wise to put lipstick on this turd?

All right, well, I got a three-tier conformity package.

Uh-huh.

Uh, Salt Lake City...

Mm-hmm.

... Google campus... and then my top tier, my crème de la crème...

Give it to me.

... Pyongyang.

North Korea?

Uh-huh.

Well, that little guy does run a pretty tight ship over there.

They can turn a famine into a halftime show, but it's gonna cost ya.

Three grand.

That's outrageous!

Do you know the actual good we could do with three grand?

Oh, please, is actual good gonna get you the Supreme People's Orchestra?

And where are we gonna put an orchestra?

Rod's room. Nobody's seen him for days.

He's probably half-dead in a Tijuana brothel.

So, what do you want, huh?

Pyongyang it is.

All right.

There it is.

Done.

Unh! Ha ha!

Yeah! Whoo!

Hey. Hey. Great news.

You can all go home, because we just got a sweet plea deal!

Wow! Wow!

Really? That's amazing!

What's the plea deal?

Check this [bleep] out.

All Quinn has to do is plead no contest misdemeanor to littering and pay a $200 fine. He's free!

That's nothing.

That's amazing.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Do I look like Charles Manson?

Littering? I would never litter.

You took your clothes off in the hall.

Those clothes are 100% biodegradable.

I did nothing wrong. No deal!

But you're facing 20 years here, bro.

Not guilty.

Ohh.

Oh. My. God.

All right. Not to worry.

Because we arranged the perfect jury for you.

Zack: These no way these dudes are gonna find you guilty.

Billy: Oh. My. God.

Abbey: Whoa. [Laughs]

That is the royal flush of juries. Wow!

You're absolutely right.

This entire jury is biased in my favor.

[Chuckles]

Damn you, rigged system!

Your Honor, I would like to waive my right to a jury trial.

[Gasps]

Billy: What is he d...

You realize, by waiving your right, I'm the only person who will decide your fate?

I defer to your judgment.

I'll allow it.

Wow.

Yes!

Well, this sucks.

Sucks.

Hey, silver lining... we get to go to trial ... for the first time.

Hell yeah, boy!

Hell, yeah. Hey, first-trial selfie.

Yeah, man, I'm gonna do a duck face.

Pam, I'm so glad you could join us here today.

Well, I wanted to see for myself if the fixer could actually fix Smoot.

[Chuckles] Oh, no!

Who put that mural up, y'all?

Come on, now! This is embarrassing!

Who did it?

The students made this?

Aren't they gifted?

Well, let's go.

There's so much to see, so little time.

This way. Hey, y'all.

Students: Hello, Principal Goodman.

Hello, writer Pam.

Now, Pam, as you can see, Smoot is on the cutting edge of technology.

We're always looking towards the future.

That's why I developed my Imagine 2025 campaign.

Sure does look like you have righted the ship.

Well, I don't want to give myself all the credit.

I'm gonna leave some of that up to you.

[Chuckles] Ooh, Pam, you okay?

Yeah.

[Gasping]

Crème de menthe!

[Gasping]

[Crow caws]

My God.

What happened here?

[Coughing]

It's... it's so clean!

♪♪

What the hell?

♪♪

What are you doing in my classroom?

Answer me!

My God. He's really playing.

This is insane.

Where is everybody?!

What's going on? Where's Loren?

Students: Please. Thank you. Please. Thank you.

Holy [bleep]!

I exploded myself into the future!

Aah!

[Students screaming]

The defense will try to show that this was an appropriate reaction to a senior prank.

But let me ask you... when was the last time you were so scared, you took off your clothes?

I gotta get out of these. I gotta get out of these!

Not here. Not here. Not here.

The prosecution will prove that this was the work of a... sexual deviant preying on the innocent youth of our community.

Wonderful, Miss Donovan.

Mr. McCleese?

Dude, it's "Zack." Mr. McCleese is my stepfather.

Uh, that was a pretty tight opening statement, except for one problem... everything she just said was total bull...

The defense rests its case.

You can't rest your case after your opening statement, you assh*le!

[Bleep] Quinn is gonna get 20 years.

The prosecution would like to call its first witness, Abigail Marie Rabinowitz Logan.

Rabinowitz?

I never dropped my husband's last name.

It was so much paperwork.

Abbey, you have to let it go.

Donovan: Miss Rabinowitz Logan.

In your estimation, do you think Mr. Quinn knowingly exposed himself to students?

Uh, no, definitely not.

But how would you know?

Oh, right, you were involved in the prank.

Well, I don't like to brag, but the kids look up to me because I'm the coolest teacher in school.

Not cool.

That's not true.

So you believe the students think you're one of the coolest teachers?

Uh, yeah, definitely.

But the fact is, you've never been cool, have you?

I am cool.

[Chuckling] I've always been cool.

The prosecution would like to introduce Exhibit B.

Sorry. Gotta go, Britney Spears!

Oh, okay. What... what... what is... what is that?

Hi!

Oh, hi!

This is the true story of a proud virgin from D-town.

♪ Picked to live in a house ♪
♪ and have her life be taped. ♪

What?

Find out what happens when Abbey Rabinowitz stops being polite and starts getting real.

Is that you?

"Real World: Abbey."

[Cat meows]

Oh, and if I get picked, Meowthew Perry has to come because he's my favorite and we're a team.

"Real World: Abbey"!

Turn it off! Turn it off!

[Laughing]

This is an outrage!

Back then, those hairstyles were very cool!

Miss Rabinowitz Logan, let's be frank.

You're not very cool, are you?

Sometimes I'm...

Quinn thinks I'm... I'm cool.

And yet you said you were cool.

So we can't believe anything you say, right?

[Crying] I don't know.

Including what you said about Mr. Quinn's motives.

No further questions.

State your name for the record, please.

Andrew Crispin Fairbell, Your Honor.

Don't call me "Your Honor." You're thinking of the judge.

Uh, no, I'm thinking of an astronaut, but good guess.

Okay, uh, Mr. Fairbell, you were with Geoffrey Quinn on the night in question?

No.

No.

I don't know.

Um, uh... has Mr. Quinn ever mentioned the prospect of exposing himself to you?

I don't know.

You don't seem to know a lot.

Uh, is it because you're hungry?

Oh, did you want one of these?

Yes, please.

Oh Let's try this again. Um... [Clears throat]

Did Mr. Quinn ever mention nudity?

Definitely. Definitely.

Oh. [Chuckles]

How is she getting away with giving him candy?

Because they're not even listening.

Look, she is liking all of my Instas.

Nah, dude, I think she's a bot.

So you would call him a predator?

Definitely. We call him "Predator" all the time.

Just like in the movie.

Mm-hmm.

And so just to clarify, you would call him a sex... ophone... pre... preda... pressurer. Saxophone pressurer!

Sexual predator.

Saxophone predator.

Let the record state that he said "sexual predator."

No further questions.

Am I gonna go to jail? They told me I'd be home in time for "Raw Jam 4."

Tammy! You're alive!

Yeah. Where the hell have you been?

I think the question is when have I been.

That doesn't make any sense, Rod.

What's happening around here? Everybody's acting like robots.

Oh, that's the new regime. We went full Pyongyang.

Pyongyang?! The... The North Koreans won?!

Oh, my God!

What else have I missed in the last 10 years?

Rod, what year do you think it is?

2025. I saw the sign!

[Laughing]

Why are you laughing?!

[Laughs]

Oh, it's nothing.

Laughter's precious here in 2025 under the thumb of our new leader.

How widespread is it?

It's out of control.

If only we had a... a big, strong former Marine to fix the situation.

Tammy. That's mostly what I am.

[Whistle blows]

What the hell is that?!

Oh, it's a... it's a propaganda rally.

For the, uh, visiting press.

Rod: Not if I have anything to say about it!

I'm gonna need to borrow Old Glory here.

Time to suck stripes, you bowl-cut sons of b*tches!

[Laughs]

[Door opens]

Now, can you believe they just do this on their own?

It's like they're overcome with Smoot spirit.

Wow. This is incredible.

USA! USA!

USA!

Oh, that's Bob.

He's just one of our teachers showing his patriotism.

He's probably gonna teach them some new drills.

Have you seen our, uh... our advanced education classroom?

Wolverines!

You can pry it out of my cold, dead hands, you filthy pinkos!

Aah!

[Students scream]

The prosecution calls William Sonoma Shoemaker.

What?

[All laugh]

What? What are you laughing at? I was conceived in wine country.

Sounds like you were conceived right next to a Gap Kids.

Oh, ha ha ha ha ha ha. That's so funny.

All right? Now watch and learn.

This ambulance chaser is gonna get nothing out of me.

Like blood from a stone.

Mr. Shoemaker.

Do you need a moment before we being?

Huh? Uh, Yeah. No.

I... [Burps] I'm... I'm sorry.

Mr. Shoemaker, in your deposition, you said that Principal Quinn had done nothing wrong.

Nothing wrong. I mean, who really ever does nothing wrong?

Yet you also had kind of a wild night on the night in question, correct?

Wild? I mean... w-w-we were all wild that night, yeah.

We?

So you admit that you had a wild night with Mr. Quinn?

[Burps] Well, I... was not... naked like he was... not that he meant "on tentionally."

He didn't m-mean to do it on purpo...

May I have some more water, please? Thank you.

I'm hesitant to let you have another glass of water, Mr. Shoemaker, because I'm afraid you'll have an accident.

You have accidents, don't you?

In fact, you had an accident on the night in question, correct?

You know, I don't recall.

Do these look familiar?

[Burps]

Quinn: "Badonks"?!

You're, like, one of the most popular girls in school.

You know, I-I-I don't think I've ever seen those before.

Oh, well, then they probably won't fit.

Your Honor, the prosecution requests that Mr. Shoemaker try these on.

Objective!

It's "objection," you idiot.

Overruled.

I want to see what happens when he puts the shorts on.

Feel free to use my chambers.

Could I borrow your g*n?

[Door closes]

Billy: Well, there it is, Billy boy, you are caught.

I-I wore these shorts. It's so clear.

I'm guilty. What a disaster.

Accidents. What was I... Everyone has accidents.

I did it all, though. God. And the burping.

Plus I've never paid a single tax to the IRS.

What? XYZ?

My mike was on, wasn't it?

The prosecution rests.

Defense?

Uh, yeah, we're gonna pass.

This is ridiculous.

Yeah.

I know, right?

We're getting creamed right now!

We're your defense team, not miracle workers.

Yeah, well, guess what. Not anymore.

Your Honor, I move to defend myself.

[Gasps]

Sure. Why not?

Law Bros, you are dismissed.

Fine. At least we're leaving with some dignity.

Yeah.

[Both imitating engines]

Ow! Whoa!

Mr. Quinn, do you need a recess to prepare your defense?

No, I do not. This case is about intent.

There's only one person in this courtroom who knows what was in my heart that night.

Oh, God, no.

Because he always does.

Don't say me. Do not say me. Do not say me.

I would like to call to the stand, Loren Louis Payton.

Do not say me.

God damn it!

♪♪

[Door opens]

[Grunts] Well, they've all been brainwashed!

Okay, this... this is... this is getting a bit out of hand.

You're damn right it is.

Okay, look, we can't do anything about it today, but by tomorrow, everything will be over and we...

Over? Are you talking nukes? End of the world?

Oh, damn it. It's worse than I thought.

Okay, it's too late to do something about it today, but it's not too early to do something about it yesterday.

Goodbye, Tammy.

Till we re-meet again.

Your Honor, permission to hug the witness.

Come on.

At this point, why not?

Hey, come here.

No.

Come here. Come here.

Quinn.

[Sighs]

Doing all right?

Yeah, I'm fine. I'm fine.

You hanging in there?

Mr. Quinn, any day now.

Yeah. Almost done.

[Smooches] Okay.

Okay.

Would you say that we are... best friends?

We work together.

And?

We're best friends.

We're work friends.

Best work friends?

And may I remind you, you are under oath.

Fine. We're best work friends. Quinn, will you get to the point?

This is the point!

This has always been the point. Don't you get that?

Fine, okay. We're best friends.

Best.

And let me ask you, as your best friend... as we are best friends. We've established that.

Would I ever intentionally expose myself to children?

No. Absolutely not. No way.

[Laughs]

No further questions, Your Honor.

The defense rests.

Judge: Your witness, counselor.

Mr. Payton, do you know what perjury is?

Uh, is that like when, uh, somebody eats a whole sheet cake and then...

[gags]

That's purging.

Oh.

Perjury is when you lie...

Oh, like that dope-ass movie ... where everything's legal for like a day?

That's "The Purge."

Perjury is when you lie under oath.

Have you committed perjury?

No, I have not committed perjury.

And yet you testified that Principal Quinn is your best friend.

Yes. Sure. Whatever.

People's Exhibit C.

This is the visitor's log from the Denver County Jail.

Would you care to guess whose name is not on it?

Hey, objection. Uh, Loren is a very busy guy.

Overruled.

Your name isn't on it, Mr. Payton, because you never visited the defendant in jail.

But surely you would have called your best friend in prison, right?

You know, I don't remember.

I do.

Not only did you not call the defendant in prison, but according to these phone records, you've never called him at all.

Objection. [Laughs]

There's a lot of people who never call their best friends.

Overruled.

Mr. Payton, if you called a particular number 81 times, surely that person would be your best friend, right?

Yeah, right. It's probably just some sweet side piece I was working at the time.

Please, please be a video.

Okay, I-I'm just gonna call the number.

No, you don't... you don't have to actually call him. That's...

Yeah, give me a second. I'm just gonna call him.

No, it's good. It's good.

Cody: Yo, this is Cody. You know what to do.

And if this is Loren, stop calling, dude.

It's weird.

[Beep]

Do you want to leave a message?

No, I'm... I'm good.

You sure you don't want to leave a message?

Hey, Codes, what's up, bro?

Dude! Ha ha! Hilarious message!

Ha ha ha! How's stuff at college?

Are you taking those psychology courses?

Get at me. Love you, bud. Kickin' summer.

God.

[Beep]

No further questions.

A redirect, Your Honor?

Oh, why not?

Loren, I apologize that I am not the kind of friend that you would ever want to come and visit.

And I don't know who Cody is, but he sounds like a pretty lucky guy to me.

No further feelings, Your Honor.

Can I... can I be done with this?

Please. Please. Go.

I'm sorry, Quinn.

Bravo.

Loren: Shut up.

I'm ready to give my verdict.

Geoffrey Quinn, please rise.

All right.

I have witnessed here today a litany of perjury, poor character, and terrible fashion choices.

But thanks to the prosecution, I was able to view the tape.

Clearly there was no intent to expose yourself to students.

Now, I knew this, but I wanted to see if you could get there on your own.

Plus, I get paid hourly.

I find you not guilty. You're free to go.

Yeah!

[All laughing]

Quinn, that's amazing. Your nightmare is over.

Oh! I almost forgot!

Mr. Shoemaker, you'll be contacted about your tax evasion.

[Burps]

Well, color me impressed.

They don't call you "the fixer" for nothing, Principal Goodman.

Oh, go on.

Quinn: Tam! Tam!

Was that Geoffrey Quinn?

Oh, my God!

Pam, have you seen our side door?

Was he acquitted?

Oh, my God, Cattie.

This place looks incredible. What did you do?

Is that you as Chairman Mao?

No! That's... that's... that's Rachael Ray for home ec.

The only way back... is the same way I got here.

Well, I got to say, this place didn't look this good when I was principal.

Maybe Smoot is better off without me.

Well, there you have it from the horse's mouth.

Now don't be afraid to write down everything you saw here today, Pam.

Time to blow myself back in time and save the good old U.S. of A.

Yippee-ki-yay, mother...

You son of a...

Oh, God damn it.

[expl*si*n]

[Screaming]

Prison riot! Prison riot!

[Screaming]

Quinn. Come on. Come on.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

It's okay. It's okay.

Aah!

Oh, my...

Loren: Oh.

You four! You did this!

My bad-luck charms!

This school is cursed, you hear?! It's cursed!

Oh, can I quote you on that?

Get the [bleep] out of our school, Pam!

I got to say, with that kind of language, there's no way they're gonna take it easy on you in the press.

You angling to get your... your job back there, Quinn, huh?

Is that what you're trying to do?

'Cause nobody becomes principal here at Smoot without my say so.

No, no, no, no, no. I'm just happy to be out.

I'm... I'm eager to help out in any way that I can.

Yeah, well good. Good, good.

'Cause you can be the janitor.

Here. Yeah. Yeah.

Because I'm the principal of this school!

Cattie Goodman don't need no jailbird coming in here and fixing things, 'cause Cattie Goodman is the fixer, 'cause... 'cause Cattie Goodman fixes Smoot!

Pleasure doing business with you, silver spoon.

Bitch.

Crème de menthe!

Aah!

What year is it?!

Of course he's naked!

You guys got to help me defeat the North Koreans!

[Sobbing]

It is good to be back.