01x08 - The Caribbean

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Hooten & the Lady". Aired: July 2017 to November 2016.
"Hooten & the Lady" follows the adventures of the hugely charismatic, roguish American adventurer Hooten and his fantastically feisty partner in crime, Lady Alexandra as they travel the world, from the Vatican to The Himalayas, the Amazon to Egypt, in their quest to save the world's lost treasures.
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01x08 - The Caribbean

Post by bunniefuu »

♪ ♪

Looking for Caleb.

Name's Hooten.


Great poker face.

Boss, Hooten.

You've got something for me?

Do I look like a vending machine?

I hope not.

You see, me and vending machines, we don't really get along that well.

They steal my money, then I need to kick the crap out of them to get what I want.

Meon told me you're a bad ass.


I'm working on it.

I can see that.

What's this guy to you anyway?

Does it matter?

He's got something I need.

I'll send someone to find you.

Hey, what can I get you?

Large scotch and a cold beer chaser.



It's always this hot, uh?

(SCOFFS) Mostly.

Alex: Do you have any mayonnaise.

Freshly made, though, I can't abide that ready made stuff.

So, a tad of balsamic, and mayonnaise on the side.

Thank you.

Oh, hello!

What in the name of... everything holly, are you doing here?

[EZRA FURMAN: "Restless Year"]

♪ I set up camp ♪
♪ in the center of town ♪
♪ Ready for freedom when it all comes down ♪
♪ Snapping my fingers, walking around ♪
♪ I'm a dusty jewel in the thrown-out crown ♪
♪ Got a bus pass to make my way ♪
♪ From hideout to hideout in the heat of the day ♪
♪ I got a talisman tote with the whole array ♪
♪ And when you catch my coat-tails I'll be miles away ♪

How in the world would you know that I was here?

You used the Museum credit card to book your flight.

You might have got away with it if you've booked economy.

First, I thought you did it in purpose, trying to get me here, and then I remembered you were just stupid.

Wait... I'm stupid?

You guys are the ones that payed for my flight.

Then I researched to see what could possibly have brought you here.

A man called Cassius Levine, found a map on a old wreck whilst diving with his son.

Then contacted the local dealer in Cuba, to get an evaluation on the map.

Which seems to show the whereabouts of the cask, buried on this island by none other than Captain Henry Morgan.

The dealer tried to rob Mr. Levine, and in the struggle that followed, the map was torn in half.

Ring any bells?

No, not one.

So you being here was just coincidence?

I find that very hard to believe.

You just can't accept the fact that I'm doing something that isn't about you.

That I have my own life.

That I get to enjoy...

Mr. Hooten?


Caleb says he found Mr. Levine for you.

Thank you, that's uh... that's very helpful.

Excellent timing, too.

Alex: I was worried about you.


You know why; Cambodia, Kane, what he did to your family...

He's d*ad.

That doesn't change what he did.

No, but I live with it.

How do you live with it?

Mostly by not talking about it.


You don't need to be sorry, Alex, you don't to worry about me, but mostly, you don't need to think you can try and help, or make it go away. You can't.

Of course not.

So now that you know that I'm not drowning at the bottom of a bottle, aren't you supposed to be getting married?

Two days.

Well, shouldn't you be there?

Applying spot cream, or... waxing your top lip? Oh.


Uh, yeah... except...

Except what?

You've got it, haven't you?

Got what?

The dealer's half of the map, the part that... tore off when he was trying to steal it from Mr. Levine.


I knew it! You do know what's in that cask.

Mid 1600s, Captain Henry Morgan captured the city of Porto Bello and held it to ransom.

At which point, the Governor of Panama sent him a written request asking him not to att*ck Panama, and included an emerald ring as a sign of good faith.

Morgan... replied by sending the Governor a p*stol and a letter saying, "I'll collect it from you when I'll get there in Panama."

Month later, once Morgan had taken Panama, John Ansell, his quartermaster on the run from the Spanish Man O w*r, took the emerald ring, and the p*stol, placed them into an old rum cask, and buried it to prevent it from being found if the ship was taken.

It's not like you to do your homework.

I loved pirates' stories as a kid.

No, strictly speaking, Captain Morgan was a privateer, not a pirate.

It's just like you, Brits, to suck the joy out of everything.

This... is very very important part of our naval history.

The Museum wants this very badly.

No, can't do.

The emerald alone has got to be worth more than a million dollars.

You take the p*stol and the Morgan providence, I can get five times that.

Hooten, you cannot sell them.

I already have a buyer.

Without talking to me first?

Hey, this was a solo trip, you're supposed to be marring Farquhard.



You can't do this on your own.

Why not?

Because this is not like in the films.

This is not... "Yo ho ho and 20 paces across the beach, so then you start digging where the cross is."

This is... this is complicated.

Uh, hum.

There are gonna be puzzles and clues to solve, and I'm better at this than you are.

Since when?

Since always.

Are you kidding me?

You can't outsmart me.

A chicken could outsmart you.



Let the best man win.


And chickens are very smart by the way.


All that... pecking.

I'd like to see you lay an egg.




Call me back!

Mother: I don't know why you put up with it, dear boy, I really don't.

I'm not her keeper.

Well, you bloody hell should be.

And that means what exactly?

It means, grow a pair!

No, no, no, they're too close together!

Look, she's had her fun bouncing around the world with all these... ridiculous travels.

Now it's time that she settles down.

She's her own woman.

It's the 21st century. Men don't control their wives anymore.

Well, maybe in this case, they should.

In the way Lord Antony controls you?

That's different! Look...

I want you to telephone Alexandra, and tell her to come home immediately.

Start as a need to go on, Edward.

Put your foot down!


Trust me, you'll thank me for it later.



Do I have to do everything here?

Sanctimonious, condescending know-it-all!

Patronizing British!

Always right. Looking down on the rest of the world.

She thinks she can outsmart me.

I'll outsmart her, a clam can outsmart her.


You did what?

I gave it to your partner.

She's not my partner!

She seemed to know a lot about you.

She knows nothing about me.

I want my money back.

You payed me to find Cassius Levine.

I found him.

Yeah, and you gave the address to the Wicked Witch of the West.

Maybe. If you told me why you wanted him so badly...

I didn't tell you because it's none of your damn business.

How long ago was she here?

Ten minutes.


Nice, huh?


Where am I going?

♪ ♪

No, no, no! You can't do this!

I already have.

I give you double what she has.

I haven't given him anything.


You're too late! Mr. Levine has kindly agreed to loan the Museum his half of the map, in return for what his finders fee.

This gives me the start point.

How much?

More than her.

Alex: I'll able to work out the rest from there.

Who the hell is this?

Alex: My guide.

Your guide?!

Coconut Islands Tours.

Lay back and let us take the strain.

This won't do any good, I have the other half of the map.

Oh, the smaller half you mean.

Size isn't an issue here.

My half gives me everything I need, thank you.

Have fun with your friends, Hooten.

Maybe you could play Scrabble together.

Hooten: You don't recognize this coast line?

Caleb: It's only half a mark.

It could be anyone of a dozen places.

Hooten: I've no idea where this starts.

I need to get up high.

You've got a helicopter?

Small plane?


I've got Raheem.

What's a raheem?

[MASITTI AND BARROW: "Strings Of My Heart"]
♪ A million dollar red lights the sky ♪
♪ Judge* ♪
♪ Some beautiful leaves make me wanna fly ♪
♪ I... I... I ♪
♪ I can't stop myself ♪
♪ Thinking of her ♪
♪ It's not quite the same, but... ♪


We're looking for someone.

Caleb and Crief.

It's alright.

That's me.

Then I believe you can help us.

Woman: Nobody steals from me.


[PROTOJE: "Answer To Your Name"]
♪ 1971 inna England ♪
♪ Fresh off the plane to my damn inna Brixton ♪
♪ No she never ask 'bout flight ♪
♪ Two month now, no telegram write ♪
♪ Hey, she send taxi fi I ♪
♪ She gone a some house party tonight ♪
♪ So call me artical like ♪
♪ Make a few call get a couple invite ♪
♪ Inna the place me gone ♪
♪ Never leff Yard from the day me born ♪
♪ Right up front who me staring pon ♪
♪ You can tell say a she by the way she gwaan ♪
♪ Christine, Cristina, Crytal ♪
♪ Try all a dem and she still never respond ♪
♪ Understand catch a pree from a distance ♪
♪ Man hand gone inna pants fi a six-pance ♪
♪ Whoa! Tuff guys beside her She naa repli when... ♪

Alex: If I've got the first clue right, the next point in the map is a mile or so North of here.

Guide: On foot from here, I think.

There's a cross here, I think we should head to that.

X marks the spot. Excellent.

Alex: I very much doubt it'll be that easy.




That way.

Oh, wait! I brought supplies.

Hooten: Wait! There's their jeep!

I see them!



Hooten: I think I saw which way they went.

Can you wait here?

I have bookings.

Lots of bookings.

Never been so busy.


Ed: I need you to be honest with me.

This... urgent trip that Alex has gone on. How urgent is it really?

Out of scale of 1 to 10?

Oh, it's nine.


Well, definitely a seven. I mean, a high six.

But she wants this weeding as much as you do.

She just can't deal with all the nonsense surrounding.

So she runs away?

She avoids confrontation.

With me.

God, no!

You... are the only thing about the wedding she cares about.

She loves you.

But you know, her mother's taking over completely, and you're not... you're not much better.


And you know, she just... She just feels suffocated by it all.

And you know, rightly or wrongly... she believes the best chance of getting through this, you know, it's... just to avoid the circus.

Then turn up the night before and just kind of get through the days...

It's her wedding day, I don't...

I don't want her to just get through it.

Well... don't sh**t the messenger.

Alex: Are you sure we're still heading North?

More or less. The local ramblers use this track.

It's a little convoluted, but believe me, you wouldn't want to veer off it.



Thank you!

Would you like some juice?

Yes, please.

Julian: Mango, pineapple.

Or a combination?

♪ ♪


Mango would be lovely.

I'm not used to it being this organised.

Julian: No?


Heaven knows what it would be like with my usual chap.


Julian: Why ever do you use him?

If he's so disorganised.

It all gets done in the end, I suppose.


That wouldn't do.

You fail to prepare, you prepare to fail.

That's my motto.

You have a motto?


Everyone should have a motto. That's my other motto.

♪ ♪


Thank you.

Alex: A church. that's what the cross must mean.

It doesn't help I have no idea what I'm looking for.

A hundred paces from me.

From the church?

Alex: I suppose, it just says, "Turn your back on me, and take one hundred paces to the rock."

In which direction?

It doesn't say.

It makes no sense.


St. Bartholomew's chapel, you're certainly from the right period.

Uh, although it hasn't been used for the past couple of hundreds years, as far as I can see.

Yeah, the direction from there must be on the other section of the map.

Which I haven't got.

Is it a good time to remind you that... this trip were only approved by the board because you... and I quote, "Guarantee to return with Captain Morgan's cask. From the sacking of Panama"?

No, it isn't, Ella.

Then let me give you something to take your mind off it.

Edward came to see me.

How is he?



I've left him to deal with all of that on his own.

♪ ♪

I'll call him as soon as I get back to the hotel, OK?



♪ ♪

Open your legs.

Excuse me?

Alex: John Ansell!

He was Henry Morgans' quartermaster A...A..."A hundred paces from me!"

No, no, no, wait, wait, wait.

"Turn your back on me, and take one hundred paces to the rock."

One, two, three, four, five, six, seven...


.. eight, nine, ten...

♪ ♪


♪ ♪

97, 98, One hundred.

Well, that must be the rock.

We're definitely in the right place.

So where now?

Hum, I don't know, this is where my... map... ends.

I thought I'd be able to work it out once I got here.


♪ ♪ ♪ ♪




How did you find me?

I told you, you couldn't outsmart me.

This is it, isn't it?

This is the beach!

My beach!

My part of the map.

Look, well now that we're here together...

Oh we're not here together.

We're on the same beach.

No, no, no, you're with him!

Okay, just have to pace into the sunset From...

Alex: From where?

You don't know?

Oh don't look so pleased with yourself.

What did you say?

"It's not like the films. Hooten it's not yo ho ho and 50 paces to where the X is"

Oh, look, it is!

Just like the movies.

You still don't know from where to start pacing.

And you do?

Ooh! So you do need me.

I don't need you.

Alright, fine, off you go. Pace away.

Isn't it the...?


He knows, doesn't he?

Julian, you don't speak to him. Don't event look at him.

Look, you're just gonna have to face it: that we like it or not, we are going to have to work on this together.


Show me yours You show me yours and I'll show you mine.

Both of use at the same time?



Hooten: The rock!


Hooten: I'll do it.

Alex: Why you?

Because Morgan's quartermaster was a guy!

He'd have bigger steps.

You don't know that. He could have been a dwarf.

Alright, fine, you do it. But I'm right behind you!

One, two...

(SHOUTING) Julian, get the shovel!

44, 45, 46, 47, 48, 49...


Right well.

As we're partners now perhaps we should strike some kind of a deal.

First if the Museum could exhibit whatever you find.

For a year or two...

How about I sell it, get my money, and you try to borrow it from the guy I sell it to?

I've already promised it to the Museum!

Well that wasn't very smart, was it?

I showed you my map!

I showed you mine!

Now we're even, so it's every man for himself.


All right, you leave me no choice. Julian, take that shovel from him.

Julian, you take one more step, I'm gonna take this shovel and I turn you into a popsicle.

I could fetch you another sandwich.

Hooten: Come on, baby.

You know Hooten, the British Museum, it's well within its right.




Alex: Come on, Come on, Come on.

♪ ♪



These were actually held by Captain Morgan himself.

Sent to prevent the sacking of Panama.

And now they're mine.


Jadran: Actually, they're mine.

Over my cold d*ad body.

Yes, I second that.


His cold d*ad body.

Looks to me like you're outnumbered.

No, there are three of us.

Julian: Please, count me out.

Much as I'd like to stay and help, not really my thing, you see?

I've got issues with my back.

Third vertebrae.


(WHISPERING) I've got this.


You didn't put up much of a fight.

There were three of them.

Even so.

Well, where were you?

I was shouting encouragements.

Sounded more like critique.

Really? I thought I was being very constructive.

You called me a wimp.

Did I?


Well I suppose... Out of context.

Still, we're all in one peace, it could be worst.



Alex: It could also be better.

We can try and sort of... paddle back with our hands.

Do you remember which way was land?

Hooten: Can you?



Alex: So... Sort of...

♪ ♪



♪ ♪

Edward, from afar: Alex! (COMING CLOSER) Alex! Alex!

Thank God! Alex!




Alex: (CHUCKLES) Hello.



Alex: You're my knight in shining armour.

I still can't believe you're here.

Well, it was meant to be a surprise.

It was!

But not exactly what I had in mind.

I got off the plane, thought I'd surprise you with breakfast, and then...

I find your guide here, organising a search party.


He said you were attacked.

Not... exactly.

Look, can I just explain this later on?

(STAMMERING) Sorry, hum...

I haven't really introduced you two properly.

Edward, this is Hooten.

I've heard a lot about you, Mr. Hooten.

Funny, she's never mentioned you. And there's no mister.

American sense of humour. He thinks he's very funny.

I see.

If you're manacling yourself to her voluntarily, you're the bravest man I've ever met.

I salute you.

Alex: Where are you going?

Where do you think?

Alex, n... no.

I haven't flown half way across the world so I can sit waiting for you in a hotel room. Whatever it is, it can wait.


Oh, you better turn around, boy.

There's nothing for you here.

It's the same all over the world.

Small town mentality.

You see, Caleb, where I come from, it's not about how much muscles you have.

It's about how far you're prepared to go.


Is that so?

Yes, it is.

Are you crazy?

Crazy enough to burn down your bar.

Where is my barrel?

I sold it.

To whom?

They came here looking for it. They knew you had the map.

But you're too late. The boat leaves tonight.

Which boat?

I know why you came.

To get away from our wedding day.

Are you having doubts?

No, not at all.

No, just all this stupid... pedantry.

Have I ruined everything?


Ed, we're supposed to be getting married tomorrow.

Well, to be more precise... we're gonna get married here.



Yeah, I organised it with the hotel before I left England.

Ed, we can't. Everything's ready in London.

What about my mother? What your mother?

I don't care.

I don't want you just putting up with your wedding.

Ed, we can't!

Can we?


I want this to be a day that you remember for the rest of your life.

Both of our lives.

So... forget about London.

OK, tonight at sunset, it's just you... and me and the beach.

And a local vicar, and... some of the hotel staff as witnesses.

What about my dress?




My mom is gonna go bonkers.


♪ ♪


Ed: You're alright?

Yeah, no, I'm fine. I'm fine, I'm just, uh...

Alex: I'm so overwhelmed.


Then, uh, you need to relax.

Should I send up some champagne?

No, no, no!

We're gonna get married in a few hours, and I've got a whole beauty regime.

I've to do my top lip, and...

Oh, come on!

Ed: It's okay. Okay, but... (CHUCKLES)


Ed: Call me.

I will. I love you!

What the hell are you doing here?


Is that a f*re?


Listen, I need you to meet me in the marina in one hour.

I'll explain when you'll get there.

No, you will explain now.

No, no. No time. The marina. One hour.

And dress up!

I can't, Hooten!

♪ ♪


Hooten: You're late.

I can't actually believe I'm here at all.

Where is Farqhard?

Edward is at the hotel, I told him I was having a face pack.

Wouldn't hurt.

People on this boat are the people who took the cask.

They're having a sail away party, and we're crashing it.

Then what?

You create a diversion, I search the boat.

What kind of diversion?

Think of something.

Alex: What kind of diversion?

Hooten: I don't know.

What do you mean? This is your plan!

You think of a diversion.

Hang on, I'm gonna think of something, you're not gonna like it, then you'll start complaining...

No, I won't!

You sure?





Man over board!

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Alex: Ah!

Are you sure you're alright?

Yes, I think so.

How did it happen?

Uh, not really sure.

Let's get you home.

Get some coffee inside you.

I told her she could have one drink to celebrate the whole, you know, sailing away thing, but... (WHISPERING) when she gets the taste...



You do realise that I'm supposed to be getting married?

The bride is always late. Everyone knows that.

She's not supposed to be held prisoner, while her groom is waiting for her.

Clearly we don't go to the same kind of weddings.

If I get out of this alive, Hooten, I'm never speaking to you again.

Okay, but I want that in writing before we leave.



At last. Could we talk?

I feel there's been some... terrible mistake.

Uh, hum. Yes, there has.

The moment you came on the island to steal the map from us.

Funny, I though it started when you sent your gorilla to steal it off me.


The dealer who tried to get the map from Mr. Levine was supposed to be working for us.

Not my problem. We had the map, we found the cask.

And now we have it.

What happens now? You're gonna k*ll us?


You think because I come from Serbia that I'm a gangster?

Yes, Alex.

Don't be r*cist!

So, you're not?

My company manufactures domestic cleaning products.

But I'm a keen historian, I've a private collection of artefacts.

As a sailer, naval history is my area of expertise.

So an answer to your question, "What happens next?"

We're waiting for the police.


Well, if you're not gangster, why do you have a pet ape?

Jadran is my P.A.

He's your P.A.?

Hooten: He b*at me up.

Yes, he was party to that, but he stopped it from going to far.

It was my idea to put you on the dinghy.

He's just squeamish.

So you're... You're not violent?

Absolutely not.

Lucky for me and the blushing bride here...

I am!


You really had to kick that poor man?

I though you said you were never gonna talk to me again?

Alex: I didn't sign anything.

♪ ♪

Hooten: This way.





God, look at the state of me.

Hey, I saw this guy's face, he's already hooked.

All you gotta do is land him.


(FEBRILE) I can't.

Can't what?

I can't do this.

I can't marry him. This isn't fair.

No, it's not. But he probably deserves it.

What if he wants to have children?

Wait, you can't have children?

Yes, well... no. I mean, I think I can.

I just, I mean, what if he w...

What if he wants them sooner than I do?

You know I'm not ready for that. I love what I do.

He doesn't know where I am from one moment to the next, and he says he's fine with it but what if he's not, actually.

Look, I don't know how many women are out there. And, believe me, I've done some counting.

But I've yet to meet a single one that's as smart as you, as funny as you, or as loyal as you.

You're pretty.

You can kick ass when you need to.


You got a smile that could light up a room.

He's a lucky guy.

Stop being so nice to me. It's very... very disconcerting.

You want me to start with your bad points?

No, thank you.


Will you come with me? You could give me away.

Don't be ridiculous.

How ever appealing that may sound.

Good luck, Lady Alexandra.

♪ ♪

Go and marry your knight in shining armour.

Maybe I'll see you around.

Where are you going?

There is this temple in Vietnam where just before the fall of Saigon, they melted all their gold into a single statue of Buddha.

Covered it in clay to hide it.

Sounds like a wild goose chase to me, with... with no historical or cultural evidence.

Exactly how I like it.

[ALABAMA SHAKES: "I found you"]
♪ This isn't sometimes ♪
♪ Yeah it's for always ♪
♪ If I'm gonna love you ♪
♪ With all of my heart ♪
♪ And if there is no more time ♪
♪ This always remains ♪
♪ Even as the world ♪
♪ Spins itself apart ♪
♪ Cause I remember them days ♪
♪ I waited so patiently ♪
♪ For God to bring someone ♪
♪ Who's gonna be good to me ♪
♪ And then He blessed my soul ♪
♪ Well, I traveled a long way ♪
♪ Traveled a long way ♪
♪ And it took a long time ♪
♪ Took a long time ♪
♪ But I finally found you ♪
♪ I remember all them lonely days ♪
♪ I traveled out on my own ♪
♪ Then you brought me everything ♪
♪ You made my house a home ♪
♪ But if it's not the real deal ♪
♪ Then I don't know it ♪
♪ 'Cause it sure does feel ♪
♪ And I think it sure does show ♪
♪ Ah ah, aah ♪


Lady: Thank you.

You look like you're headed to the airport.

Yeah, I am.

Mind if I catch a lift?

Sure, why not.

Allow me to show you to your seat.


Hooten: I have to admit, I'm a really nervous flyer.

Any chance you could hold my hand?

Way to go through some... emergency positions?



What's this?

Ed: I assumed you'd known, it was left at reception.


What is it?

It's from Hooten.

It's just a few knick-knacks.

That's sweet.

Yeah, it is.

Ed: - So, I've been thinking...

Alex: - Uh-hum.

Ed: Where do you want to go for... honeymoon?

What about Vietnam?


What could possibly go wrong?

Come on guys.

All this for what?

Because I stole your itsy bitsy tiny little golden Buddha?


Don't you think you're overreacting?

Shouldn't the punishment fit the crime?

Shouldn't you just steal something from me and then we're even?




What do you mean the bears are gonna eat me?

Is it because I'm American?

Alex: No, it's because you're annoying.

They were very probably letting us go before you started talking to them.

Hooten: That's harsh. I was trying to cut a deal.

Alex: By offering them something that was already theirs?

It was my starting position.

And how did that go for you?

This isn't real.

They'll be back any second with a conter offer, which I'll accept.

Hooten: Or that. That's just brinkmanship.

They're trying to scare us.

Alex: With some success!

There is no bears, they're messing with us.


What was that?

(FEBRILE) The wind?

Wind doesn't growl.

An angry wind?

(GASPING) Or a bear.



(WHISPERING) Okay. I read something somewhere about how to survive a bear att*ck.

Oh good, what do we do?

You're supposed to play d*ad.

You're laying your stomach up with your hands behind your neck.

Lay on your stomach. not so easy behing tied up, I guess.


OK, what else did they say?

I don't really remember. I got bored after the playing d*ad part.

There were pictures of women on the other page.

I'm supposed to be on my honeymoon.

Instead I... I'm tied up about to be eaten by bears while my new husband thinks I'm out shopping for a hat.

Now that your are married, what are you doing about the all name thing.

Alex: What?

You already had five names.

So are you now... (GROWLS)

Lady Alexandra Diana Elisabeth Lindo-Parker Fahquard?

Your credit card must be three feet long.

[EZRA FURMAN: "Restless Year"]

♪ I set up camp in the center of town ♪
♪ Ready for freedom when it all comes down ♪
♪ Snapping my fingers, walking around ♪
♪ I'm a dusty jewel in the thrown-out crown ♪
♪ Got a bus pass to make my way ♪
♪ From hideout to hideout in the heat of the day ♪
♪ I got a talisman tote with the whole array ♪
♪ And when you catch my coat-tails I'll be miles away ♪
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