03x05 - Miss England

[bunniefuu]

Before we sign off, I want to send good wishes to Mets pitcher Matt Harvey, out for the season with a bad shoulder.

Been there, buddy... it's painful.

Oscar, you sprained yours buttering a pancake.

That butter was right out of the fridge.

It was like a brick!

All right, that's our show. I'm Oscar Madison.

And I'm Dani D, your lady-o on the radio.

Sounded so cute in the shower.

What a show!

I wish I could go back in time and listen to it again.

Well, they replay it at 5:00.

Yeah, one of my kids has a thing.

So, who's your favorite agent?

Ooh, you're my favorite agent.

What did I win?

Well, I've been talking to the executives about you, and they know that you're more than just Oscar's assistant.

You're on the air, you're screening calls, and they think it's time for you to be rewarded.

Am I getting a cookie cake?

No!

They decided to make you the producer of the Oscar Madison Show!

Oh, Teddy!

Hold the phone.

There will be no cake?

Oscar, did you know about this?

Yeah, Teddy gave me the heads-up.

Congratulations.

Oh, thank you.

Ah, that's my buttering arm!

You're going to have more responsibilities... booking guests, dealing with the sponsors...

Oh, I've got to call my family.

My mom is going to be so proud, and my sister's going to be so jealous.

Suck it, Denise!

Oh, sh**t, I should have asked Dani for some coffee.

Dani! Whoa, whoa, whoa!

She's not an assistant anymore.

She's a producer.

Well, that's just a title, right?

I don't have to do my own stuff now, do I?

I don't know how to cook coffee.

There's money in the budget to hire a new assistant for both of you.

I don't want a new assistant... Dani was perfect.

Quit being a baby... Dani's earned this.

I mean, she put up with your nonsense and managed to stay sweet and humble.

And another thing, Denise.

You remember in '87 when you called me Dani the Dummy?

Uh-huh, who's the dummy now?

We've got a lot of applicants.

Gwyneth Paltrow wants to be our assistant?

That's People magazine.

Guess who just bought three new dresses?

This should be easier.

It's so cute you go shopping together.

I told him he didn't have to come.

Oh, I wanted to.

Someone thinks overalls are still in fashion.

I'm going to grab a glass of water.

Okay, hurry back, love.

Oh, my God, did you see that?

See what?

Emily... she's so distant and out of sorts.

When she came back from London, I thought we would fall right back into our groove.

But no, no... something is off.

She seems fine to me.

I actually decided to make some tea.

Does anybody want some?

None for me, thanks.

Oh.

You had to see it that time!

Well, I know what will jolt her out of her malaise... a patented night of Felix Unger romantic enchantment.

(knock at front door)

Ooh, that's our first applicant.

It's so exciting.

Can't we just use this guy?

His resume is long, and he's bilingual.

That's a takeout menu for a Thai restaurant.

And that's why I thought I'd go into assistanting.

Fascinating, Amber.

I see you started as a dancer.

Do you have a specialty?

Modern, jazz... pole?

This is such a thrill, Mr. Madison.

I'm your number one fan. You're a legend.

I'm only one man, Jared.

I've taped every episode, I write an Oscar Madison blog, oh, and check out my tattoo!

Look, Oscar... his nipples are your eyes.

So I think the hallmark of being a good assistant is keeping things running smoothly in the background, so my employer can shine in the spotlight.

Very impressive, Margaret.

What do you think, Oscar?

I think the authorities should check out Jared's blog.

He's got pictures of me from my last vacation.

Pictures I didn't take.

Thank you, Margaret... we will be in touch.

It was lovely to meet you both.

Here's one of me snorkeling.

From underneath!

Oscar, Margaret was great.

Why didn't you like her?

I don't know... she had kind of a weird speech impediment.

She's British!

All right, let's just see more applicants.

No, no, no.

I know in my gut that Margaret is the right one for the job.

And if I'm going to be your producer, you have to trust me to make decisions.

Fine, it's your call.

I hope you know what you're doing.

This is your first big decision.

You won't regret it.

I better not.

Because I think we saw a lot of good people here today.

(exclaims)

You don't have to pay me.

In fact, I could pay you.

In backrubs.

Everything all right?

Are you enjoying your Linguini served "Unger" the moonlight?

(chuckles)

But you really didn't have to go to all this trouble... making dinner, picking out my outfit, trimming my hair.

You think this is impressive?

What?

What's happening?

Take a look at the building across the street.

In three, two, one...

And now.

Oh, my God.

The lights in the windows spell out "I love Emil""

Damn it!

I knew those "Y" bastards were going to screw me over.

This did not happen at the 4:00 or 6:00 rehearsals.

Well, it's still nice.

Nice.

I was hoping for a slightly more amorous reaction.

In fact, I kind of promised one to the creepy guy in the middle of the E.

I'm sorry.

I guess I've just been in a bit of a funk lately.

A funk... I knew it!

And you know how I feel about funk...

I don't like it as a smell, as a musical genre, or an emotional state.

How can I help?

There's nothing that you can do.

I think that I just...

What?

You can tell me anything.

I think I just miss England.

I mean, for three months every day it was one new adventure after another.

I would... I'd wake up, I'd walk to a different part of town, I'd find some cool little pub, I'd play a game of darts.

That sounds wonderful.

It was.

But the farther away that it gets for me, the more it feels like it was just a dream.

Some places just stay with you.

I feel like that every time I leave The Container Store.

I'll be okay, Felix.

And thank you again for tonight.

But I think what I need right now is just some time to figure things out.

Absolutely.

How much time are we talking about?

I don't know.

It's already been a month.

So are we talking, like, another month?

Because then we're in the holidays, and...

I said I don't know!

I'm sorry.

I think I'm just tired.

I'm going to call it a night.

Are you guys done with dinner?

Or can I fight the pigeons for it?

Dani: Seriously?

That is fantastic.

Tell him if he has any questions, he can call producer Dani Duncan.

Do you say that every time?

No.

Sometimes I sing it.

♪ Produ... ♪
♪ Stop. ♪

So guess who I landed for my very first booking?

Hint... it's two-time NBA champ Chris Bosh!

Seriously?

Uh-huh.

Dani, that's great... that's a real coup.

I know... some may call it a "Slam Duncan."

Some.

Not me.

Good morning, Ms. Duncan.

I have Mr. Madison's coffee.

Oh, thank you.

Two sh*ts, one sugar, right?

Oh, poo.

I got one sh*t, two sugars.

Oh, well, no worries.

You just go downstairs and get him another one.

Can I grab a snack first?

I need something to eat every two hours.

Yeah, but Oscar's show starts in 20 minutes.

Oh, no, they think it's a tapeworm.

Okay, fine.

It's your first day, so I'll go back down and get it.

But tomorrow, I'm going to need you to step up.

Oh, of course.

Not literally, right?

Because steps aggravate my knee rot.

Where are you going?

Is that my coffee?

No... I'll be right back.

Hey, Felix.

Nice rack.

Courtesy chuckle, ha ha, moving on.

I had a genius idea.

Emily misses London, so I am going to bring London to her.

Where did you get all this stuff?

I am the wardrobe master of my Gilbert and Sullivan Society.

I'll never forget my debut in The Mikado.

I made an incredible Nanki-Poo.

Why, were you nervous?

I plan to surround Emily with reminders of her days across the pond.

Perhaps she'll meet a London bobby, hmm?

(Cockney accent): Or a right cheeky chimney sweep.

Felix, when a woman has a problem, just listen... don't try to solve it.

Sometimes the sexiest part of a man is his ear.

Charlotte left a Cosmo in my bathroom.

I don't know, Oscar... I mean, I have to do something.

I can feel her pulling away.

Well, just give her some space.

Maybe she'll sort out her issues and you two will be stronger than ever.

Worked for Charlotte and me.

Backing off isn't exactly my thing.

Well, that's all I've got.

Unless you want Cosmo's top ten exercises for a bun-tastic summer.

You want that?

I do. Okay, I'll go get it.

Look, I'll find the money.

Just please don't shut off my service.

I won't survive the winter without it.

Thank you.

(growls): Netflix.

Oscar: Say, Margaret?

Quick take this stuff for Oscar.

Yep, yeah, it's okay, it's okay, Wow... dry-cleaning, groceries, and coffee, all before noon?

Your wish is my command.

Do you think you have enough energy to make me lunch?

I'm in the mood for something healthy.

How about a hoagie?

I'll get straight on it, sir.

"Straight on it."

It's like "right away," but special-er.

What exactly is a hoagie?

I'll do it.

(phone rings)

This is Dani.

Oh, hi.

What time do we want Chris Bosh?

Let me think about it.

(screams)

Noah!

I told you to crouch in the pantry until Grammy Margaret gave you the all clear.

You brought your grandson to work?

Well, I couldn't very well leave him on his own.

He's a bit of a firebug.

I am sorry for the screaming.

I'm just so thrilled that he's coming to do the show.

Oh, step away from the stove, you devil child!

No!

No, not you, you sound lovely.

You know what?

Can I just call you right back?

Um, Margaret, this is is not working.

Are you letting me go?

No, I can't fire you.

(whispering): Fire.

I went out on a limb for you.

I need to show Oscar that I made the right decision.

So I am stuck with you.

So could you please just, I don't know, focus, and learn how to make this damn sandwich?

Did you hear that, Noah?

They can't fire Grammy this time.

Fire.

Mmm-mmm.

Mmm!

Oscar: How's that sandwich coming?

Oh, it's bloomin' lovely!

Almost there.

Don't you find it alarming that a man can drag a blindfolded woman through the streets of New York and no one stops to help?

Ta-da!

Oh.

An English pub.

Because I told you that I missed England.

Yes, and I heard what you were saying.

Really? Because I also said...

And that is why I have planned an entire day of British surprises.

You know, the great thing about a pub is that you never know who you're going to meet.

Who you're going to meet!

(British accent): Flowers for sale!

'Allo.

Pretty as a daisy, you are.

Oh, look.

You've hired your friends to dress up as English stereotypes.

That no longer exist.

Isn't it whimsical?

Can I get your largest glass of alcohol, please?

Is something wrong?

Well, yes.

I mean, I said that I needed some space, and then all of this.

I'm not really sure how much clearer I could have been.

Aha!

I think I have a clue.

Glad someone does.

Actually, Sherlock, could you give us a minute?

Ooh, am I detecting some trouble in paradise?

Seriously, Derek, walk away!

I'm sorry, I'm off to a bad start here.

Maybe I should skip ahead to the big surprise.

There's more?

Two tickets to England.

We leave tomorrow!

I cleared your work schedule, I already packed your bags, and I have booked us a private tour of the crown jewels.

Felix, stop trying to fix everything.

This isn't about you.

Waitress: 'Allo.

Pint for the lady. Oh, my God!

Enough with the ridiculous accent and the stupid fake teeth!

This is Donna, she works here.

Thank you, Donna.

And that's how I found myself in a holding cell with Olympic gymnast Cathy Rigby.

Which brings us to the end of "k*lling Time Because Chris Bosh is Not Here."

Tune in tomorrow.

I'm sorry, Oscar.

I was supposed to call to confirm the time, but I got distracted.

By what?

You should have all the time in the world now that Margaret's doing everything around here.

Okay.

You can't slack off just because of fancy title.

Mmm-hmm.

Hey, you know what?

You should have Margaret help you with bookings for the show.

Got it.

And be sure to get her hoagie recipe.

She's not a good assistant!

She's very bad, possibly evil.

Oh, Dani.

Is someone jealous that her replacement is doing so well?

Margaret, do you have Oscar's post-show coffee?

Here you go, sir.

Two sh*ts, one sugar.

Ah, just the way I like it.

Ah.

This is mushroom soup.

Oh, fiddlesticks.

That's where my lunch went.

Ah.

Okay, bye-bye, Margaret.

Yeah, just go right straight through there.

I don't understand... everything else got done.

I know, because I was doing it.

Why didn't you just fire her?

Because I didn't want you to know how badly I screwed up, because then you would know the truth.

Which is?

That I don't deserve this job.

I don't know what you guys were thinking, but I'm obviously not producer material.

You might as well make me an assistant again.

Well, Dani, I thought you could handle anything.

Guess I was wrong.

Wait, what?

What are you talking about?

Well, first you messed up by hiring Margaret.

Then you couldn't fire her.

But that's okay, Not everyone's cut out to be a boss.

I guess not.

Sure, you're sweet and you're good at doing errands.

But sometimes a producer has to make the tough calls.

And maybe that's just not your thing.

Well I'm off to get my nails done.

Dani said it was okay.

Didn't you, Dani?

Well, what I actually said was you can take your tapeworm and your tiny arsonist and get your limey ass out of here!

You are fired!

And if you have a problem with that, you can have your lawyer call producer Dani Duncan!

She's the boss.

Come on, Noah!

(screaming)

You saw that, right?

It wasn't just me?

Well, looks like someone is producer material after all.

I know what you did there, Oscar.

And thank you.

Miss Duncan, May I make you a cup of coffee?

I would love that.

Will you show me how to make a cup...

Everything all right?

Well, I just drank a pint of beer on the toilet, so...

I've been better.

I'm sorry I've been so tone deaf.

And me with perfect pitch.

You know what?

I think that it's incredibly sweet that you wanted to give me England.

But I realized that it's not England that I miss, but the way that I felt when I was there.

My whole life, I've never been on my own.

I went from my parents to my husband to my sister to you.

Which was great, to be honest, because I've always been afraid to be alone.

Then I went to England, and there was no one there to make decisions for me.

I had to make them for myself.

And it was exhilarating.

I understand.

You got your first taste of independence.

Ironic it happened in England, where they frown on that sort of thing, usually.

And now that I'm home, I feel like I need to be on my own.

Okay.

I will give you some space.

I will coordinate our schedules so we don't run into each other, and then in two weeks we'll meet up at a neutral location...

I'm doing it again. I'm sorry, I can't help it.

No, no, it's okay, it's okay.

Look, you take care of people.

And I love that about you.

But...

I need to learn to take care of myself.

So this is happening... we're breaking up.

Should we get out of here?

Actually, if you don't mind, I think I might stay and finish my pint.

Not really sure where I am, since I was blindfolded, but...

Greetings, my loyal...

Walk away, Delores!

(knocking at door)

Hi, I'm Chris Bosh.

Is this where they record the Oscar Madison Show?

It is.

Sorry I'm late.

There was a mix-up with the time.

You ever have one of those days?

I'll be okay.

Hey, Chris, you made it!

You must be Oscar.

I see you've met Felix.

Is he crying?

No, no, I'm just allergic to your fabric softener.