01x04 - Un-Dressed

[bunniefuu]

Both: Go, go, go, go, go, go, go, yeah!

(whoops)

Oh, this is the life, huh?

A couple beers, game on TV.

Yeah, I opened a bottle of wine in the kitchen for the ladies.

They should be good for an hour.

More like a half hour.

Yeah, I may need to feed the meter.

Change the channel, we want to watch that dancing show.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Daddy and Uncle Don are watching football.

So no talking.

Who's that guy?

Teddy, that's talking.

Commercial! Switch it to the dancing show.

No, no, if I switch it, it'll never go back.

I used that trick on your mother during the Royal Wedding.

Just watch the commercials.

That's right.

It's good for the economy.

Mm.

Hey, look, that old guy just took a blue pill.

And now that lady likes him.

What kind of pill is that, Uncle Don?

Oh, it's a magical pill.

What does it do?

And we're out.

Yep.

Okay, remember the blue pill.

We can use that again.

Oh, hey, we had a great idea.

We're starting a book club.

Yeah, you want to hear about it?

Keep walking, keep walking.

Well, this isn't so bad.

We can still see the game through our neighbor's window.

Yeah.

And old man Ferguson isn't wearing pants.

Neither is Mrs. Ferguson.

Maybe just go ahead and turn this way for a little while.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You know, I can't believe we're stuck out here.

We need a place to hang.

You know, nothing fancy.

Just a place with some walls where we can look in any direction and not be scarred for life.

Hey... why don't we fix up your garage?

It'd be perfect.

Don, don't even bother.

Our problem may be solved after all.

Looks like your wife's packing up to leave you.

No, she just... she just never throws anything away, ever.

All right, come on, let's just start throwing this junk out.

No, no, no, no, we can't.

Andi will lose her mind.

There'd be a lot of yelling.

But you won't hear it, 'cause you'll be out here.

Besides, you worked your butt off when she went back to work.

Where's your payback?

Well, my payback is supposed to be spending more time with the kids.

She made it sound like a fun thing.

Think about what we could do out here.

We could get an old motorcycle and fix it up.

Like we used to do in high school.

Yeah, come on, let's do it.

Tell Andi to get her stuff out of here.

Yeah, yeah, she doesn't get to decide.

No, sir, she does not!

No, I decide.

And I've decided we're doing it.

Damn straight.

Yeah!

Andi needs to know that the garage is a man's place.

What's that, honey?

Oh, uh, nothing, sweetie.

Drinky-drinky, love you.

Okay, Andi, when you look at this... how do you feel?

I love it.

These are our memories.

It makes me feel safe and warm.

It might make you feel warm 'cause it's a fire hazard.

I say we clean all this stuff out of here so Don and I can have a hangout and, I don't know, maybe rebuild an old motorcycle.

You have got to be kidding me.

You... you want me to throw out all my stuff so you and your brother can have a motorcycle fort?

Well, we're not calling it that.

Look, you told me when you went back to work I'd get more time with the kids, and that would be a fun thing.

Can we both agree that that was a lie?

Yes, that was a lie.

I just, I need a spot to decompress.

You already have the bathroom.

Every time I go in there, Emme sings to me through the door.

Now, whenever I hear "The Wheels on the Bus," it triggers something.

Look, Andi, I'm asking you to do this for me.

Fine.

Let's try and clean this place out, so you can have your dork fort.

Great, but we're not calling it that, either.

Okay, first up is, uh... okay, camping gear.

Huh? Only used once. Total disaster.

Teddy ate too many s'mores, and then he threw up.

Then Emme saw his throw-up, and then she threw up.

And then Katie fainted into the throw-up.

See, that is a great family story, which you remembered because you saw the camping gear.

It stays.

Okay, uh...

Okay, this should be easy.

No one could possibly care about a giant container of wine corks.

(gasps)

My corks!

Martha Stewart has all kinds of ideas for these.

I'm gonna make a wine-cork collage someday.

Is it gonna be a picture of you passed out on the kitchen table?

Okay, so, six hours of work, and the only thing that left the garage was a cricket that hopped out on its own.

Honey, I think you might be like one of those people on that TV show you make me watch.

Don't say Hoarders. I am not a hoarder.

I love you too much to say the name of the show that describes you perfectly.

Honey, the other night, I was banished to the driveway.

And Don and I witnessed Mr. and Mrs. Ferguson making old, grey, surprisingly agile love.

Is your stuff really worth all that?

I know you want me to say no.

Oh, come on, Andi.

Most of it's just junk.

Okay, but... what if while we're throwing out the junk, we accidentally throw out something important?

You see, the junk keeps all the important stuff safe.

It's like padding.

Yeah. You know, uh... before we got married, your dad wanted to have a little talk with me.

And I never did it, and now I know what it was about.

Look, I want to do this.

I want you to have your own space.

It's just... it's really hard for me.

Then let me make this easy. I'll clean out the garage on my own, and you don't have to worry about a thing.

(scoffs) You would have no idea what to throw away and what to keep.

Well, don't you trust me?

No! Not at all.

I'm sorry.

Have I been unclear?

Wow. Hoarders are mean.

Honey, I'm sorry, okay?

Look, (sighs) I clearly have a problem.

We... Well, that's very brave of you to admit.

And I think the only way out of this...

I mean, as far as I can see... is that, uh, we meet back here in a year and continue this discussion.

If you have a minute, I'd like to talk more about this blue pill?

Let's meet back here in a year, and we'll talk about it.

So, Andi didn't want us cleaning out the garage, and we're doing it anyway?

No, no. She does want it.

She just doesn't know she wants it.

Like, when she threw out my cargo pants.

Oh, don't tell the cargo pants story again, please.

I love my cargo pants.

(groans)

So many pockets, and zippers, and snaps and Velcro, and I had them in every color.

I had them in light khaki, dark khaki, khaki.

I had them in tan, light tan, dark tan.

And then one day, Andi just threw them away.

And at first, I was mad. But then I noticed, I wasn't getting caught on doorknobs anymore.

Literally, the most boring story ever.

My point is she helped me, even though I didn't know I needed help, and now I'm helping her.

And if I'm careful, and I save the right stuff, I'm sure she'll be happy.

If you're so sure, why are we sneaking around while she's at book club?

Because I'm not sure.

I'm just doing it anyway.

Oh! Check it out!

Motorcycle's coming today. Wait till you see it.

A '61 Triumph, just like the kind Steve McQueen had.

Whoa.

Yeah?

You know what that makes us?

Exactly as cool as Steve McQueen.

Oh, spider web, spider web.

Oh! Spider! Spider! Don, get it.

Get it together.

We're motorcycle people now.

Yeah.

All right, we got a lot of boxes here with old clothes... what do you want me to do with these?

(sighs)

Keep or donate?

I don't know. This is taking too long.

We got to be done by the time Andi gets back, so just... donate, donate, donate and hurry.

I'm hurrying. If you didn't tell that cargo pants story, we'd be done by now.

I had cargo shorts, too, you know.

Oh, I'd love to hear about that.

Oh, yeah, they were great.

Oh, yeah?

Zip-off legs, yeah.

Oh, sweet.

You don't think this bike is me having a mid-life crisis, do you?

No! No, no. You're way past mid-life.

Oh, good.

Hey.

Hey, fellas.

Don, you know Lowell, right?

Sure, he's the dad from school who imprinted on you like a baby duck.

Your brother's really had a bracing, masculine effect on me.

Today, when my wife said good morning, I just grunted at her.

It was not well received.

Hoping I can hang here a while.

Sure. Oh, here comes Andi.

Start a wine club.

Both: Ooh!

What did you do?

Okay, before you freak out...

No, no. What happened here?

Where's all my stuff?

Let me explain.

No, no, no. You just... you threw it all out?

No! Well, yeah.

Look, I only did it because I felt like you couldn't, even though you wanted to, like our vow said, "In sickness, and in health," and honey, you have a little sickness.

I? I have a sickness.

I have a sickness? You throw away my precious memories...

Wait, just... and I have a sickness?

I... I think you broke your wife.

I just, I can't believe it's all gone.

Well, no, not all of it.

No. Like, see that section over there?

That's all corks.

Really? I'm-I'm supposed to be happy about corks, right now?

Are you?

A little.

Look, yeah, and over here, I made keepsake boxes for all the kids.

You should be even happier about that, hopefully.

I guess that's not a bad idea.

Yeah, yeah, tiny clothes, tiny footprints, tiny teeth.

You name something tiny, I kept it.

I do like tiny things.

That's...

Shut up, Don.

Oh, Kate's first ice skates.

Oh, I haven't seen these in years.

That's because they were buried.

Look, I-I'm not taking away your memories, I'm giving 'em back to you by getting rid of all the junk.

Okay, well, I'm starting to picture my life with you again.

Good. 'Cause I was prepared to make a run for it.

I got $200 bucks in my pocket and I already kissed the kids good-bye.

Marie: Hey, good for you guys.

I believe I was promised wine.

Oh, and I-I found a bunch of stuff from our wedding.

I know you like that day, 'cause that's the day you got me.

(both chuckling)

How'd he pull that off?

Adam Burns... he's all balls.

Oh, my God.

Look at these wedding pictures.

(gasps) Oh, ladies.

Paste on some fake smiles, I found something more boring to do than reading.

Oh, wait, wait.

Uh, what do you want me to do with this wedding box?

Um, just put it with my wedding dress.

Your wedding dress?

Uh, will do. (chuckles)

What wedding dress? I didn't see a wedding dress!

Did you see a wedding dress? I bet you threw it away.

Hey, you were the one yelling, "Donate, donate, donate!"

Yeah, because you said it was just all old clothes.

Oh, you're not taking me down for this.

If Marcy sees Andi yelling at you, she's gonna want to yell at me.

It's animal instinct.

Like a wolf hearing another wolf howl.

Guys, guys, stop fighting.

It's not helping anything and it totally excludes me.

This is bad.

This is very, very bad.

That wedding dress isn't in here.

Well, then, it must be at the thrift store.

You're right.

Okay, we got to get down there before someone else buys it.

All right, Lowell, you tell Andi that Don and I had to run an errand.

Yeah?

Okay. Yeah.

I'll tell her you went to get some loose tea.

What?

No!

Hardware store?

Yes.

I did it.

Hey, uh, hi. Uh, where are your wedding dresses?

I don't know.

Do you even work here?

Yes, but it's not my passion.

Listen, buddy, do you have wedding dresses or not?

Some lady's in the dressing room trying one on.

You could've led with that.

But then we wouldn't have had this.

That's it.

That's the dress.

Okay, I got this. I got this.

Uh, ma'am?

Hi, I'm a little bit of an expert on wedding dresses.

And I got to say, if I'm at the alter, watching that thing come at me, I'm gonna throw myself through a stained glass window.

Excuse me?

Yeah, uh-uh, look, I have to apologize for my brother.

What he meant to say was, you're way too pretty for that dress.

Well, you're too ugly for that shirt.

Hey, I-I said something nice.

Look, sunshine, you seem like an unhappy person in general, you throw marriage in the mix, it's only downhill from there.

Okay, ma'am, look, I-I made a terrible mistake.

First of all, I brought my brother here.

Hey, what's up?

And-and-and second, I accidentally donated my wife's wedding dress and you're wearing it.

And it means the world to her and she means the world to me.

So I-I need it back.

Oh, that's so sweet.

I mean, I'd be happy to give it you for $500.

You really think extortion is gonna work?

How do you think I got this ring on my finger?

I take back what I said.

You're going to enjoy marriage very much.

Oh God, I forgot how much I love that dress.

Oh, I could show you a picture of what I wore to my divorce.

Or I could just put on a bathrobe, and you'd get it.

Hey, do you guys want to see my dress?

Uh!

Lowell, are you okay?

Never better.

Okay, well I'll go get it.

No, no! You can't go out there!

W-What are you doing?

I'm just going upstairs to get my dress out of the closet.

It's in your closet?

Of course, it's in a box on a shelf, where it's been for 15 years.

What? What is going on, Lowell?

Nothing.

Doesn't seem like nothing.

Is it something Adam did?

Something Don did?

Something Adam and Don did?

Nope. Nothing to report.

This man's a liar.

Yeah, are you gonna tell us, Lowell, or am I gonna let Marcy get it out of you?

Fine.

Adam thinks he donated your wedding dress while he was cleaning out the garage, so he went to the thrift store to buy your dress back, but I guess it's not your dress since your actual dress is upstairs.

Whew. I feel light as a feather.

So Adam lied to me.

I should go.

Um... totally unrelated... anyone know where the thrift store is?

I'll figure it out.

Okay, I got $282 here.

Is that enough for you?

Let's make it $284.

Sold... to the bad husband with the hot brother.

Accidentally hooked her.

I can't believe it... I got the dress back!

Hey, do you guys mind watching the store while I grab a taco?

Yeah, sure, man, okay.

Yeah.

I can't believe I pulled this off.

Yeah, it's a shame you won't get any credit for your hard work.

What?

Always remember, there's nothing more important in a marriage than keeping score.

(groans)

Hello, boys.

And that's game over.

Adam!

Did a handsome man come in here looking for a wedding dress?

You just missed him.

But I'll buy those red pants for two dollars.

What a weird day.

Let me get the chain of events straight.

So, you went behind my back and you did something you knew I didn't want you to do.

Yup, I-I did do that, but in my defense, you did the exact same thing to me with my...

Don't you dare say cargo pants.

Multipocketed trousers.

And then, when you thought you threw away my wedding dress, you lied to me.

Look, this didn't work out great for me, either, you know.

I spent $280 on the wrong dress.

That was my getaway money.

I could really use that right now.

See, this is why we need to keep our things, so we can be reminded of, oh, I don't know, what my wedding dress looks like.

I mean, does your... thrift store dress look anything like this?

No.

I can't believe I lost my wedding dress.

I am a hoarder.

Don't be so hard on yourself.

Literally everyone in this room has lost your wedding dress at one time or another.

Okay, wait a minute.

Now, if-if my dress box was full of corks, that means I took the dress out and I put it where the corks were... which was in the garage.

So... you did donate my dress and that means in this bag is... still not my dress!

How is this possible?

Ugh.

(sighs)

So, you don't have the dress.

Now, come on, it's just a thing.

Huh? And... things don't matter because we have our memories.

Huh? I remember everything about our wedding day.

You do?

How could I forget?

The way you wore your hair with those... little yellow flowers in it.

(chuckles) Mm, white flowers.

I remember our first dance.

"Faithfully" by Journey.

"Witchcraft," Sinatra.

I remember the way you smiled at me when your cousin dropped the rings.

(chuckles)

That was a movie.

We got married, right?

It's okay, you don't have to remember, I do.

Yes, yes, you do.

You remember everything.

That's why you don't need the dress or any of that other stuff.

Your brain is like our garage full of boxes.

All right? Come on, that's... that is pretty romantic, right?

It is when you say it, for some reason.

Oh, and here's another thing I know for sure happened on our wedding day.

You looked beautiful and I... was the luckiest man in the world.

I did.

And you are.

(rapid knocking)

She knows about the dress!

Run!

Okay, now, remember, lefty loosey, righty tighty and always always double-check Uncle Don's work.

He's right about that.

I've been turning the same bolt for about five minutes.

What can I do?

Uh, you can find Daddy a rag.

Okay.

This is gonna be a nice bike.

Yeah, yeah.

Now, guys that ride these are usually super cool and good-looking... and you're absolutely forbidden to date them.

Eh, I would never date a guy with a motorcycle.

But I do kind of like this one guy.

Mm-hmm?

He's the smartest kid in our class.

Ha-ha, nerd.

Keep turning your bolt there, Don.

Oh, thanks, honey.

So, tell me more about this boy.

Oh, well, he's really cool.

Yeah, he...

He's really ni...

(gasps)

This is Mommy's wedding dress.

Where did you find this?

In that box that says corks.