04x02 - Porridge

[bunniefuu]

Previously on "Please Like Me"...

Hannah said you had a fight.

(EXHALES EXASPERATEDLY) I don't know why she's being so mean to me.

Rose, I-I think I should just move out.

I just don't think we're very good for each other.

I didn't want her to leave, Josh!

I wanted her to change, now what the hell am I supposed to do now?

I don't know.

Alan is a... bad guy!

I'm a good man!

Ah, everyone's goods, okay. All tops. Tops people.

I'm sorry... about your family?

(LAUGHS) Yeah!

Yeah.

♪ Doo wah, doo wah ♪
♪ Doo wah, doo wah... ♪

Josh: Oh, God.

Josh: Tom.

What are you doing?

Pretending to help by standing in various parts of the house, but you're not actually doing anything.

I just saw Arnold pack his guitar.

Oh, no.

Hannah: Uber is not my fault!

Happy birthday! Sorry I'm late.

Someone called me fat in Year 3.

Ella: Look what we did to the van! Oh.

That's great. Great.

♪ One, two One, two, three, four ♪
♪ Ooh ♪
♪ Yeah, I'll be fine, yeah, yeah ♪
♪ Ooh ♪
♪ Ooh ♪
♪ Okay ♪
♪ Ooh ♪
♪ Oh, the good Lord knows it ♪
♪ Ooh ♪
♪ Oh, the good Lord knows it ♪
♪ Ooh ♪
♪ I left better behind ♪
♪ I'll be fine, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪
♪ Make my mamma turn another blind eye ♪
♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪
♪ I left better behind I'll be fine... ♪

Josh: Maybe we should call my mum.

She'll still be pretending to be asleep.

Recorded message: This is Rose. I can't come to the phone right now.

Please leave your message and then press the, uh, hash key.

(BEEP!)

Hi, Ma!

Uh, we're just on our way camping for Hannah's birthday.

I would put her on, but she is having too much fun.

Isn't that right, Hannah?

Mm, fun.

Uh, what else? Arnold's here. Just miserable.

I'm not miserable.

Just miserable.

He just will not stop talking about how much weight you've put on.

Not this again.

Not in a mean way.

In, like, a nice way. Like, he likes it.

Mmm! Mm, delicious. Here, I'll let him explain.

Sorry. Hi, Rose.

I don't have any opinions about your figure.

I think we both know this.

Just give her a compliment. She needs your support.

You're very independent. Like a Destiny's Child.

I mean, that's a lie.

Obviously that's a weird lie that he's told me, because you are very needy.

What else is happening?

Ella's here. She's driving the van 'cause she's a feminist.

Hi, Rose! We wish you were here!

Maybe you should drive down when you wake up!

Hmm... Uh, Tom's... Is Tom wearing headphones?

(LAUGHS)

What a creep.

Every time I think I can't be more surprised by him, he goes and does something more weird.

Arnold, maybe you can pretend to be Tom.

Hi. I'm Tom.

I think I'm interesting, but actually I just have a beard.

I don't call my dad enough.

(LAUGHS)

What?

Nothing, Tom.

Uh, and... now I guess we'll sing you a song.

Um...

♪ It's Friday, Friday, gotta get down on Friday ♪

Others sing: ♪ Everybody's looking forward to the weekend ♪
♪ Friday, Friday ♪

Rebecca black sings: ♪ Gotta get down on Friday ♪
♪ Everybody's looking forward to the weekend, weekend ♪
♪ Friday, Friday ♪
♪ Gotta get down on Friday ♪
♪ Everybody's looking forward to the weekend ♪
♪ Partyin', partyin', yeah! ♪
♪ Partyin', partyin', yeah! ♪
♪ Fun, fun, fun, fun ♪
♪ Looking forward to the weekend ♪

Arnold: Um, babe, I think...

I think the poles might go through these holes.

I've set it up before.

Yeah.

It's just that I think it might not work if you don't put the right poles in the right holes.

I used to be a Scout, remember? You know, I did Scouts for a bit.

You weren't patrol leader, though.

No.

You were just a regular Scout, just a junk Scout, like a peasant.

Yeah.

Tom: Hey, Ella?

Yes, Thomas?

Did you get that washing out of the machine?

No, I did not.

Mm, good.

I was hoping you wouldn't do that.

Yeah.

Yeah, I thought, "Do you know what would be less predictable "than doing the thing I said I would do?"

Doing the opposite.

Yep! Yep, the opposite.

And I thought, "If we're lucky, by the time we get home, "your clothes will be completely ruined."

Perfect, yeah. Do you know what I didn't do?

Um... get the bag with all my special food in?

Yeah, all the food for your special diet.

Good, good.

I think maybe we'll try the poles in the other holes.

Yeah.

Got nothing to say about how wrong you were?

No.

Hey, guys! I've got a surprise.

Tom: Oh, my God!

She has fireworks! She has fireworks!

How long have you had those?

Oh, not long.

They've been illegal for eight years.

Oh. A while.

We absolutely cannot light 8-year-old fireworks.

We just definitely can't.

Tom: Yes, we can!

Yes, we can.

They might explode.

Yeah.

No. No, sorry.

We just can't.

Fine, we won't light the f*cking fireworks, then!

Just gonna go over there and sit on a log.

Josh: You seem upset.

You seem observant.

Hannah, we should set up your tent.

Yeah, bit of a problem there. I did not pack a tent.

I thought I said to bring a tent.

Oh, you definitely did.

I just definitely forgot to pack a tent.

When did you realise this?

When we got here.

What was your plan?

I'm still working on it.

Why didn't you say anything?

Oh, my plans never involve chitchat.

And you thought, maybe with a bit of time and thinking, you could materialise a tent?

Thought I could sleep under the van.

You did bring a big bag of old fireworks, though.

(OTHERS CHUCKLE)

Yep.

But not a tent.

No tent, just fireworks.

You can sleep with us, Hannah.

Oh, thanks. That's very kind of you, Arnold.

Just heard that you guys weren't very good at threesomes.

(TOM AND ELLA LAUGH)

Hannah, you can sleep on the floor of the van, like a sleepover.

Tom, can we braid your hair?

Yeah.

I've decided the fireworks are safe and fine and actually very thrilling.

Yes!

I think Tom should film them, so if something does go wrong, we become viral internet sensations.

Arnold: Hey, guys, um, I brought my guitar and I thought maybe I could sing Hannah a song.

Okay.

(STRUMS GUITAR)

♪ Shine bright like a diamond ♪
♪ Shine bright like a diamond ♪
♪ Find light in the beautiful sea ♪
♪ I choose to be happy ♪
♪ You and I... you and I ♪
♪ We're like diamonds in the sky ♪
♪ You're a sh**ting star I see ♪
♪ A vision of ecstasy ♪
♪ When you hold me I'm alive ♪
♪ We're like diamonds in the sky ♪
♪ I know that we become one ♪
♪ Right away ♪
♪ One right away ♪
♪ At first I felt the energy of sun rays ♪
♪ Light inside your heart ♪

Okay, so I've invented a game.

Ugh!

'Ugh'? Why 'ugh'?

(LAUGHS) I don't know.

You've just started going 'ugh' at the end of my sentences.

It's become habit.

I'm so sorry.

So the game is called 'Let's All Compliment Hannah'.

Hannah: Oh, I don't like this game.

No, yes, but if we designed all activities around what you liked, we'd be in your bed eating savoury snacks, okay?

Was that an option? Why wasn't I told that was an option?

So, we all compliment Hannah and then Hannah has to give us an insult.

Okay, then. Fine.

Yes! I will go first.

Hannah, I think you have Hollywood cheekbones, like Eddie Redmayne, or Johnny Depp, or like a woman, any woman also.

Cate Blanchett.

Yes!

Ooh, I'm so jealous of her cheekbones.

Okay, so now, Hannah, you have to insult Josh.

Josh, you are a bully to Tom.

Is that an insult? I don't know if that's an insult.

Tom likes being bullied.

No, I don't!

Okay, well... well, this is shocking.

(OTHERS LAUGH)

But fine, yes, I guess that's an insult. Arnold?

Uh, Hannah, I think you are really strong-minded and independent.

That's nice rephrasing for 'lonely'.

No, Hannah, you're not allowed to insult yourself, okay?

You're only allowed to insult Arnold.

Pretty sure that's exactly the same compliment you gave Josh's mum.

Okay, Arnold, I preferred it when you were more scared of the world.

Hey, I'm still scared! I don't mean it.

I hate this game.

Thomas, your turn.

Hannah, I feel like you and I have a lot in common.

Ugh, I feel like that's an insult for both of us.

I agree.

Tom, how could you in any way think that's a compliment?

Bully! Bully!

Hannah, I think that you are fantastic and hilarious, and I think you're a really good friend to Rose, and you're beautiful.

I think you say things you don't mean to make people like you.

(JOSH LAUGHS)

That is such a good insult.

Oh, my God, do you think someone d*ed?

Like in that movie?

Maybe someone drowned.

Tom: Well, that's our night ruined.

Ooh, I wanna go see.

No, no, let's not use a potentially dead man as entertainment.

No, let's not be those guys.

If I was dead, I would absolutely not care if someone looked at me.

Yeah, I'm gonna take a look.

No!

What if they need our help?

How could they possibly need our help?

What if they've been stung by a jellyfish and they need someone to pee on them and none of them need to go?

Josh could do it. He always needs to pee.

See ya later, sucker.

Arnold: No. No, no, no.

I would quite like to go see.

You don't need to go and see, Josh.

You see, because, like, everyone else is going to see and I also would like to go see.

Okay, fine, you go. I'll wait here.

Yes? Is this a trick?

It's not a trick. Go.

Promise I'm not going to get in trouble?

I mean, it's just disgusting, isn't it?

It's not a fun Friday night.

Correct. Can't you just stay here and feel superior?

I'm going back to the tent.

What? What?

No, fine. Okay, fine. I'll stay here.

They can all go see and I'll stay here with Arnold, in trouble, again.

I mean, I don't know why you don't care if I'm involved or not.

No, that's not a thing.

That's not a thing, me caring... I wanted you to come, okay?

That's a thing you invented in your head and then got sad about.

No, it's like the boat all over again.

It is not the boat!

Yes, it is!

What are you talking about? You go on with this boat thing.

It's deranged!

Nah, it's just you and your dad taking a lovely little boat ride out on the seas and leaving me behind.

It's absolutely not my fault you get seasick.

I do not get seasick.

100%!

100% you said you get seasick.

I don't even know why we're talking about the boat again.

Hey, but you brought it up. It is the stupidest...

This is the stupidest, the stupidest...

f*ck, I just don't even know.

I just think probably that you just hate me.

No, you hate me.

It's just so clear, every time you have, like, a couple of drinks that you just hate me and I wish you would just break up with me so we didn't have to bother anymore.

Fine. We're broken up, then. Done.

(LAUGHS) Yeah? We're single?

Yeah, single, ready to mingle.

How was it?

I want to go back to the camp site.

Why?

Yeah, it was, um... it was pretty bad.

The, um, policeman asked us if we knew him, and when we said no, he asked us why we were there and none of us could answer.

Josh: Him?

The body.

Oh.

They kept trying to shut his eyes but they wouldn't close.

Just kept bouncing back open.

He had a tattoo of a child on his body.

Probably his child, I reckon.

Jesus Christ.

We just looked like the worst people.

Arnold, you were absolutely right.

Nuh, I've seen worse. This guy still had a face.

I feel a bit sick.

(LAID-BACK MUSIC)

(JOSH GROANS)

I'm sorry about last night.

It's just sometimes when you're drunk it's fun to pretend to be single for 20 minutes, but then you hate it and I'm sorry and let's never fight again.

(THUNDER RUMBLES, RAIN PATTERS)

(PLAYFUL MUSIC)

(OPERATIC SINGING)

(CHAOTIC MUSIC)

Ella: Silly string fight!

(OTHERS SHOUT)

(ELLA LAUGHS)

Arnold: f*ck!

f*ck! f*ck!

I think I'm bleeding.

Hannah: I just don't understand why you'd think I'd love an ambush for a birthday present.

Josh: You're doing so good, Arnold.

Just like a big brave man, a big brave strong man.

Ella: So brave.

I mean, I love being alone.

Why would you 'un-alone' me by surprise and think that'd be fun for me?

Good as new.

(JOSH MOANS SOFTLY)

I'm gonna come.

Yeah?

You're gonna make me come.

(ARNOLD MOANS)

What can I... what can I do to help?

Um, no, really, I'm fine.

No, no, no, we can make this happen.

Really?

Yeah.

Uh...

Maybe I'll just...

Yeah?

Yeah, I'll do it. Okay.

What are you doing?

I'm just...

Okay. Pants.

Okay.

(LAUGHS)

What's wrong?

Your... Just your forehead.

Have you got, like, a little tissue?

(ZIPS UP PANTS)

You okay?

Yeah.

Yeah, I had fun anyway.

(QUIRKY MUSIC)

(INDISTINCT P.A. ANNOUNCEMENT)

Excuse me. Sorry.

♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh... ♪

(REGISTER BEEPS)

I love corn chips.

You staying up to watch the tennis tonight?

No.

You don't like the tennis?

I... don't know.

I'd love to watch the tennis, except I'm stuck here.

Man's gotta eat!

Yeah, okay.

Josh: I have this memory of just loving him and the more I try and get it back, the more I strangle it.

And I just... Yes, I know!

We've been having this same conversation for six months.

I just feel like the amount of time I spend trying to massage this relationship, I could have learnt the clarinet.

Mm, and clarinets don't ruin 'Shine Bright Like a Diamond'.

Mmm... They probably would, actually.

Absolutely would. Sorry. Just trying to be supportive.

I mean, I just have to, don't I? Just have to.

I just have to break up with him.

No, no, no, no, just take a step back here.

Try and get some perspective.

Everything looks disgusting from too close, like skin.

No, it's been decided.

I think maybe he just doesn't like me anymore.

I've been trying so hard not to fight with him.

And then what happens?

Everything goes blank, and when I come to, we're arguing about the right way to chop an onion.

Well, the good news is Josh definitely does like you, so you can stop worrying about that.

Does he, though?

The thing is that you're assuming he doesn't like you, you know?

And I feel like maybe you assume that a lot of people don't like you.

So when Josh says to you you're chopping the onion wrong, what you hear is, "You're not the boyfriend I want," when really all he's saying is, "You're chopping the onion wrong."

No, I just want him to say, "You're doing a really great job. I support your decisions."

That doesn't sound like Josh.

(LAUGHS)

Don't know who that sounds like, to be honest.

Definitely not someone we would become friends with.

Man: Hey. Hey!

Excuse me. (CLEARS THROAT)

Hey, excuse me.

Yes?

Can I ask you something?

What?

Are you married?

(SNORTS)

Hey! Hey, wait!

You don't have to be rude. I'm just asking you a question.

Hey, excuse... excuse me.

You're being very rude, young lady!

f*ck off!

Oh, f*ck off! Leave me alone! All right!

Get lost! Leave me alone! All right, I'm sorry.

Crazy bitch!

Voice-mail: Hi. I'm Josh. I'm not here.

I'm sorry. Leave a message. Goodbye.

Uh, hi, luvvie. I'm sorry I missed your call before.

I hope you're having a really lovely time camping and I really hope that Hannah's having a good time too.

Um, uh, uh, goodbye. See you.

Fireworks are ready! Are you ready?

Josh just told me he's breaking up with Arnold.

What? No, no, no, no, no.

I am in love with Hannah for doing this.

Yeah.

Hannah: I'm using them all!

My whole stash!

Oh, sh*t, I really stuffed up.

What do you mean?

Thing is, once you light them, they require your immediate attention!

I just told Arnold that Josh was still in love with him.

Why would you do that?

Are you paying attention?!

I was just trying to be helpful.

Oh!

Oh...

f*ckin' light.

Oh!

sh*t! sh*t!

f*ck!

(MELANCHOLY MUSIC)

Yes.

(FIREWORK BANGS)

Oh! Ooh!

I love you.

I love you.

(MELANCHOLY MUSIC CONTINUES)

Yes! That was great!

Yeah, it was.

Yes, it was.

(LAUGHS)

(ARNOLD GRUNTS)

(SNIFFLING)

(THUNDER RUMBLES)

Oh, no, what's wrong?

(SOBS)

Um... (SNIFFS)

I think we have to break up.

Oh, no. No, no, no.

Yeah, no, I'm sorry. I just...

You wanna throw me away?

What? No. No, I just...

No, I just...

Oh, no, I really thought you saw this coming.

Honestly, I thought you'd be relieved.

(SOBS) Why here?

I just got overwhelmed. We're always fighting.

And... I mean, I did not think this through.

Morning! I'm making porridge.

You had to do this here?

Now? You couldn't pretend to like me until we got home?

I just got a bit overwhelmed and, yeah, I made a mistake.

Oh, my God, this is happening.

I can't believe this is actually happening!

Sorry.

f*ck you!

Seriously, stop crying.

He's crying in there?

Nuh, porridge is too cheerful for this sh*t.

Always worrying about your f*cking forehead.

It's not even your worst feature.

Mole on lip.

Tom, don't.

You are incapable of being happy!

Anytime everyone is happy and calm, you say something mean.

You're always trying to start a fight.

A pathological quest for stimulus.

Claire got out. She did it.

I should have taken the hint when your best friend left you that you're a sh*t guy.

I wish I could have taken the hint for myself. f*ck!

You are never going to be happy, Josh.

(SOBS)

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, Josh. I didn't... I didn't mean it, Josh.

I'm sorry.

Please. Please don't.

You don't have to do this.

He broke up with me.

He's such a jerk.

(GLUM MUSIC)

('LOVE YOURSELF' BY JUSTIN BIEBER PLAYS ON CAR STEREO)

Ooh, I love this song.

No, Ella, let's not turn this song up, yeah?

(TURNS UP VOLUME)

(BOTH SING) ♪ For all the times that you made me feel small ♪
♪ I fell in love Now I feel nothing at all... ♪

Ooh-hoo! This really is not ideal.

It's okay. It's fine.

♪ And never felt so low when I was vulnerable ♪
♪ Was I a fool to let you break down my walls? ♪
♪ 'Cause if you like the way you look that much ♪
♪ Oh, baby, you should go and love yourself ♪
♪ And if you think that I'm still holdin' onto something ♪
♪ You should go and love yourself ♪
♪ And if you like the way you look that much ♪
♪ Oh, baby, you should go and love yourself ♪
♪ Yeah! ♪
♪ And if you think ♪
♪ You think ♪
♪ That I'm ♪
♪ That I'm ♪
♪ Still holdin' onto something ♪
♪ You should go and love yourself ♪

(DOWNCAST MUSIC)